Facebook just suggested I wanted to see a story entitled:
“Man arrested for breaking into funeral home to perform sexual act on female corpse”
My first thought was, “YOU DON’T KNOW ME, FACEBOOK. That is NOT the kind of weird shit I want to know about and I really don’t appreciate what you’re implying.”
My second though was a mental image of a man performing a strip-tease while standing on a corpse, but I’d guess that’s not what happened. I don’t know for sure because I didn’t click through. I think it’s the wording that I find confusing. That and, obviously, the fact that someone thinks corpses are hot. That last part goes without saying, I hope.
I just think we can find a better phrase than “perform a sexual act on.” There are too many variables and too much subjectivity. Victor says there really isn’t, but I’m pretty sure if people are performing on corpses we can’t really rule anything out.
Also, I’m giving serious thought to cremation and to scrawling “FILLED WITH RAZORBLADES AND LEPROSY” on my stomach each night, just in case .
And now, the weekly wrap-up of awesomeness:
Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
- EVERYTHING I WANT TO DO IS ILLEGAL A pocket journal for us all. Or at least for all of us who might need bond money.
- THINGS I DO NOT CARE ABOUT. The perfect pocket journal to pull out when someone is being awful but you still need to fake that you care about their stupid opinion.
- PEOPLE WHO NEED TO JUST QUIT IT. A pocket journal to jot down all the people who are annoying. The inside page says “Places to hide the body” just in case those people don’t quit it. Two in one!
- I’M PRETENDING TO TAKE NOTES BUT REALLY I’M PLOTTING REVENGE. Add a little mystery to your life. Well, less “mystery” and more “vague threats to keep jerks away.”
- PEOPLE WHO HAVE WRONGED ME. It’s always nice to keep notes.
- Kick-ass stuff I pinned.
- And just like that, Victor gained an appreciation for cross-stitch.
- I want to be Will Ferrell when I grow up.
Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:
- Compact Zombie Apocalypse Survival Kit. Does not contain chainsaw.
- At first you can’t see it. Then you can’t stop seeing it.
This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by the talented Claire Ashby, who wrote When You Make It Home, which you should buy RIGHT NOW because today it’s 99 cents. That’s less than I pay…everything, basically. Synopsis: Meg Michaels, a bookstore owner, has already walked away from two cheating exes. She’s learned her lesson and has her mind set on success—until she gets knocked up. Embarrassed and unwilling to discuss her situation with friends and family, she wears layers to hide the pregnancy. Theo Taylor, an Army medic wounded in the war, finds out her secret and agrees not to reveal her condition. The two forge a bond of friendship that blossoms into love. But can their love overcome all the obstacles that stand between them and creating a happy family?Go right now and buy it. I just did.