Facebook just suggested I wanted to see a story entitled:
“Man arrested for breaking into funeral home to perform sexual act on female corpse”
My first thought was, “YOU DON’T KNOW ME, FACEBOOK. That is NOT the kind of weird shit I want to know about and I really don’t appreciate what you’re implying.”
My second though was a mental image of a man performing a strip-tease while standing on a corpse, but I’d guess that’s not what happened. I don’t know for sure because I didn’t click through. I think it’s the wording that I find confusing. That and, obviously, the fact that someone thinks corpses are hot. That last part goes without saying, I hope.
I just think we can find a better phrase than “perform a sexual act on.” There are too many variables and too much subjectivity. Victor says there really isn’t, but I’m pretty sure if people are performing on corpses we can’t really rule anything out.
Also, I’m giving serious thought to cremation and to scrawling “FILLED WITH RAZORBLADES AND LEPROSY” on my stomach each night, just in case .
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And now, the weekly wrap-up of awesomeness:
Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
- EVERYTHING I WANT TO DO IS ILLEGAL A pocket journal for us all. Or at least for all of us who might need bond money.
- THINGS I DO NOT CARE ABOUT. The perfect pocket journal to pull out when someone is being awful but you still need to fake that you care about their stupid opinion.
- PEOPLE WHO NEED TO JUST QUIT IT. A pocket journal to jot down all the people who are annoying. The inside page says “Places to hide the body” just in case those people don’t quit it. Two in one!
- I’M PRETENDING TO TAKE NOTES BUT REALLY I’M PLOTTING REVENGE. Add a little mystery to your life. Well, less “mystery” and more “vague threats to keep jerks away.”
- PEOPLE WHO HAVE WRONGED ME. It’s always nice to keep notes.
Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:
- Kick-ass stuff I pinned.
- And just like that, Victor gained an appreciation for cross-stitch.
- I want to be Will Ferrell when I grow up.
Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:
- Compact Zombie Apocalypse Survival Kit. Does not contain chainsaw.
- At first you can’t see it. Then you can’t stop seeing it.
This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by the talented Claire Ashby, who wrote When You Make It Home, which you should buy RIGHT NOW because today it’s 99 cents. That’s less than I pay…everything, basically. Synopsis: Meg Michaels, a bookstore owner, has already walked away from two cheating exes. She’s learned her lesson and has her mind set on success—until she gets knocked up. Embarrassed and unwilling to discuss her situation with friends and family, she wears layers to hide the pregnancy. Theo Taylor, an Army medic wounded in the war, finds out her secret and agrees not to reveal her condition. The two forge a bond of friendship that blossoms into love. But can their love overcome all the obstacles that stand between them and creating a happy family?Go right now and buy it. I just did.
I second the self-protection idea. Good idea just in case.
And I was going to question your non click through but having followed the path of some search terms that brought people to my blog, I realize that you can’t un-see things.
Yep and with the messages of razor blades on your belly, add one to your back and make sure you add an arrow pointing up and down (front) and down (back). You don’t want to miss any loopholes.
It’s not Sunday until I read something about a person who wants to have sex with a corpse.
Necrophillia: that uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.
“My first thought was, “YOU DON’T KNOW ME, FACEBOOK.”
In Facebook’s defense weird corpse stuff does seem up you alley, just not the pesky little sex detail.
This blog is too disturbing to leave a comment………. awe crap…. stupid ‘Post Comment Button’.
The reception was a bit cold though… badumdum-pshh
It’s probably best that the headline wasn’t more specific, some people on the internet might take it as an advice column.
The razor blades and leprosy thing should do it. It’s a sad state of affairs when we have to think that far ahead. Thanks Facebook.
It is a family story that my mother’s cousin married a funeral director. Apparently she didn’t get to know him that well, but on their wedding night, he asked her to take an ice-cold shower and mentioned something about how he “likes them cold.” She escaped out of the bathroom window, never to see him again. Then, she got really really fat and lost all of her hair. So, there’s that.
My 76 year old father, a regular reader btw, would like to request you create a “Poor Victor” T-Shirt; because, every time he reads one of your conversations, he says aloud while laughing “poor Victor”.
Oh English language, how I love you so.
Hahaha! Thta reminds me of when I met you in Toronto and I asked yo to sign “necrophilia is bad” on my copy of your book because of one of the stories you told in the book that I related to. (Not the necrophilia but the blurting out of strange things in social situations.) You kindly signed it for me. Thanks!
So, when I clicked on the Will Ferrell link an ad for Clear Blue Pregnancy Test popped up, and I thought Will Ferrell knocked up Little Debbie???
Bury that poor lede. Sheeesh.
My daughter is looking for dorm room decor – wonder how this would go over with her new roommate?
I would go with the forehead, but that is just me.
There really has to be a better way to explain what that guy was doing. Because “performing” just doesn’t sound right. Was there an audience?
Is it just a weird coincidence that I was reading about Jeffrey Dahmer today (“research” for my latest post, of course)? He did things to corpses and ate some too. Eww…
First read about this “act” in a book I was reading when my kids were toddlers. I just steered them away from the mortuary business then on. Question, I get the male version of this, but how does it work if you are a female with that fetish?
For some odd reason, this reminds me of a story I read about women carrying small pen knives after a war so they could pretend to cough up blood and thus avoid violence. (Coughing up blood was a well-known symptom of tuberculosis and no one wanted to get close to you if you had it.)
A day without you is like a day without sunshine. Thanks. A lot.
While I’d like for people to tap a keg, play some 80s hair band music, and dance at my funeral I would prefer they leave the sexual acts at home. I’m totally leaving instructions that I be cremated before being left overnight in the funeral home. Thanks for that tip!
I think it should be “Places to hide the bodies”…why just limit yourself to one…
In my younger years, I took a course in Herodotus in grad school, which required reading his entire history of the Persian Wars. It was made of awesome and win, of course, but mainly it included the note (in his section on Egypt) that embalmers there would leave the bodies of young hotties to decompose a while so that they would be a little less prone (well, less supine?) to abuse by the more desperate fellows in the trade. Just to show you that there’s nothing new under the sun. Or sand. Whatever.
I need the hypnotizing cat sweater. I would wear it everytime I needed my cat, Dumbass, to pay attention to me. Or to cluck like a chicken.
Good to know necrophilia isn’t going out of style.
Love the way your mind works…and I do think it is subjective and vague…LOL. And your post has given me one more reason to be thrilled that I run an extension in my browser that hides all of FBs suggestions…I would be frightened to see what they have for me. Thanks for the chuckle!
Regarding the suggestion you got, it reminded me that a couple of days ago Twitter suggested that I follow someone named “Dirt McTurd”. I didn’t know if I should be offended or if in fact, Twitter really does know me that well. Because honestly, I would follow that person just based on the name alone. Random thought– is McTurd Irish or Scottish I wonder?
If it had been a male corpse, I would have guessed pole dancing.
What an amateur! Whenever I break into a funeral home for some romance, I always have a backup excuse. . . . . “I lost my phone and thought it may have fallen into the deceased’s clothing in a moment of uncontrollable grief.”
Holy shitfuck. I can’t unsee that floral pillow in rainbow.
Now, I want a musical with singing necrophiliacs. Thanks, Jenny. :.*
Facebook doesn’t suggest without reason. It makes me wonder what you HAVE been reading, Jenny…
Why is it that all that gets suggested to me on Facebook is the Kardashian’s shoe dazzle shoes. I don’t even wear heals. I need to start searching thanatophilia just be more interesting.
because the first thing I’d grab out of my survival kit during a zombie apocalypse is a pencil, note pad and gum. Of course not forgetting my penis pillow.
I might be a little worried about Deborah.
I enjoy the fact that you object to sloppy grammar in the headline. Go Jenny!
As I recall in “Let’s pretend this never happened” you said the first time Victor showed you the internet you looked up corpses, albeit only because looking up porn would be embarrassing.
Clearly Facebook has read your book.
Facebook recommends the same kinds of stories to me, but only because I actually read them. Not because I have a corpse fetish or anything, but because I need to know the names of the people who do. Those people are not invited to my funeral.
Regarding the Zombie Apocalypse survival kit: Is the teabag so you can fix a nice cup of tea to enjoy with your favorite Zombie?
Just bought Claire’s book! Thanks–sounds awesome.
The floral dick pillow only gets more amusing when you realize the site’s current discount code is SURPRISEME.
I’m sure there’s someone who’s into corpses full of razor blades and leprosy, unfortunately.
Disclaimer for the penis pillows: Actual size may be an inch or two smaller than the listed dimensions. Also, will shrink if washed in cold water. Okay I’m done. :o)
I love the Will F. clip! I wonder what his wife’s everyday life is like . ..
Some of those pillows are awesome…just need to find a way to keep my dogs from destroying them.
I want to buy those pillows just so someone will comment on them and I can look dismayed and ask, “So, how often have you been seeing these … uh … penises?”
Now I know why I’m not on Facebook. They have effectively tricked you into writing a blog post about their suggested story. Clever buggers.
I love the pillows but I would love to get just the fabric to add into a quilt. Let’s see how long it takes to spot it……lol.
The Pillow, OMG the pillows, or you can get it for you phone. I can’t stop laughing, just the looks I would get while out. And I’m supposed to be a teacher. ROFL
I ordered 4 pretty mugs (different colors) in the pattern of that Pillow. So i can serve my friends tea when they come.
Heh.
What does it say about me that I saw the penis pattern right away?
there was a film at SXSW about that… it was really creepy
I think the first episode of better call Saul was about three teens that fucked a head at a funeral home..
Um….I kind of feel like maybe Facebook wanted you to watch Tosh.O
http://tosh.cc.com/video-collections/uwkcnc/tosh-702—highlights-playlist/nxwg1y
Unfortunately, cremation can have it’s unexpected (and expensive) complications too:
http://psb1969.blogspot.com/2013/09/such-gem.html
What an amateur! Whenever I break into a funeral home for some romance, I always have a backup excuse. . . . . “I lost my phone and thought it may have fallen into the deceased’s clothing in a moment of uncontrollable grief.”……..https://t.ly/m08J