I’ve been thinking that I needed to update the guest bathroom because it feels pretty 1970’s but I’m not good at design stuff so nothing ever happens. But then I got a gift certificate for Walls Need Love, which specializes in removable wall decals and posters and I was like “Can you make me a full-sized bear sticker?” and they were all, “Yes. Yes we can.”
So now my bathroom is renovated. Victor says I’m using that word incorrectly but I don’t think so. Plus, I think it’s only fair that we’re always saying “Does a bear shit in the woods?” and now there’s a bear in our bathroom watching you do your business. It’s especially nice when we have visitors and they don’t realize they have company until they’ve closed the door and see an angry bear behind them in the bathroom mirror. A lot of yelping happens and some people have claimed it was so unexpected they practically shit themselves, which I think it just another affirmation that I totally picked the right room to install a bear.
PS. Also, he’s perfect for taking selfies with because even if you look kinda blah no one notices because THERE’S A FUCKING BEAR BEHIND YOU. So you look fierce and/or about to be mauled and no one says, “You should really start wearing make-up” because they’re too busy saying, “What is happening in your house? Do you need help?”
PPS. The bear has his paws down in front of his body and I thought I could get a cute picture of him playing leapfrog with me so I bent over with my hands on my knees like he was about to leap over my back. Then I saw the picture and realized it totally looked like the bear was violating me. No one wants that. Do not play leapfrog with bears. It doesn’t end well. This is my advice to you.
PPPS. This bear needs a name and at first I was thinking of “Bearnstein” in homage to those bear books I loved when I was a kid, but then I looked it up and turns out the bears were named “Berenstain” which seems weird because I always assumed those bears were Jewish and now I don’t even know anymore. Then I thought I’d call him “Beowulf” because I once read that “Beowulf” is a kenning of “Bee” and “Wolf” and I always thought a Bee-Wolf would be the scariest animal ever. (But last week someone sent me a link to a half-spider/half venomous snake and I reassessed. Do not look at that link if you ever want to sleep again.)
PPPPS. A “kenning” is an Old Norse compound that uses figurative language in place of concrete single world nouns. Like, instead of using the word “sword” Old Norse poets would call it a “wound-hoe,” which is the best term ever. “Can you pass me that butter knife?” “You mean this wound-hoe?” We need to bring this shit back, y’all. From now on kneecaps are “leg-elbows” and colicky babies are “scream-satchels”. A NEW LANGUAGE IS BORN. THANK YOU, KEVIN BEOWULF.
PPPPPS. His first name is Kevin. The bear, I mean. I can’t relax enough to pee in front of a bear named Beowulf. That’s way too much pressure. “Kevin” is much more non-threatening.
PPPPPPS. How many addendum’s can I add before this gets ridiculous? Six. Six is the answer.
PPPPPPPS. Victor disagrees and says this was already ridiculous before the first PS. Kevin and I respectfully disagree.