Better than bare walls

in Random Crap

I’ve been thinking that I needed to update the guest bathroom because it feels pretty 1970’s but I’m not good at design stuff so nothing ever happens.  But then I got a gift certificate for Walls Need Love, which specializes in removable wall decals and posters and I was like “Can you make me a full-sized bear sticker?” and they were all, “Yes.  Yes we can.”

So now my bathroom is renovated.  Victor says I’m using that word incorrectly but I don’t think so.  Plus, I think it’s only fair that we’re always saying “Does a bear shit in the woods?” and now there’s a bear in our bathroom watching you do your business.  It’s especially nice when we have visitors and they don’t realize they have company until they’ve closed the door and see an angry bear behind them in the bathroom mirror.  A lot of yelping happens and some people have claimed it was so unexpected they practically shit themselves, which I think it just another affirmation that I totally picked the right room to install a bear.

bear walls

PS.  Also, he’s perfect for taking selfies with because even if you look kinda blah no one notices because THERE’S A FUCKING BEAR BEHIND YOU.  So you look fierce and/or about to be mauled and no one says, “You should really start wearing make-up” because they’re too busy saying, “What is happening in your house?  Do you need help?”

PPS.  The bear has his paws down in front of his body and I thought I could get a cute picture of him playing leapfrog with me so I bent over with my hands on my knees like he was about to leap over my back.  Then I saw the picture and realized it totally looked like the bear was violating me.  No one wants that.  Do not play leapfrog with bears.  It doesn’t end well.  This is my advice to you.

PPPS.  This bear needs a name and at first I was thinking of “Bearnstein” in homage to those bear books I loved when I was a kid, but then I looked it up and turns out the bears were named “Berenstain” which seems weird because I always assumed those bears were Jewish and now I don’t even know anymore.  Then I thought I’d call him “Beowulf” because I once read that “Beowulf” is a kenning of “Bee” and “Wolf” and I always thought a Bee-Wolf would be the scariest animal ever.  (But last week someone sent me a link to a half-spider/half venomous snake and I reassessed.  Do not look at that link if you ever want to sleep again.)

PPPPS.  A “kenning” is an Old Norse compound that uses figurative language in place of concrete single world nouns.  Like, instead of using the word “sword” Old Norse poets would call it a “wound-hoe,” which is the best term ever.  “Can you pass me that butter knife?”  “You mean this wound-hoe?”  We need to bring this shit back, y’all.  From now on kneecaps are “leg-elbows” and colicky babies are “scream-satchels”.  A NEW LANGUAGE IS BORN.  THANK YOU, KEVIN BEOWULF.

PPPPPS.  His first name is Kevin. The bear, I mean.  I can’t relax enough to pee in front of a bear named Beowulf.  That’s way too much pressure.  “Kevin” is much more non-threatening.

PPPPPPS.  How many addendum’s can I add before this gets ridiculous?  Six.  Six is the answer.

PPPPPPPS.  Victor disagrees and says this was already ridiculous before the first PS.  Kevin and I respectfully disagree.

255 thoughts on “Better than bare walls”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. OMG that is fantastically awesome. When I re-do mine, I may have to consider that. Right now I have a wall full of mysognistic or just wonderfully old-fashioned advertisements from the 50s and 60s (how to keep a husband happy? buy a new mattress!!).

  4. Kevin is so friggin’ cool! I was going to re-do my bathroom in a Firefly theme- the show, not the insect- but now I may need to reconsider.
    ps. My dog’s name is Beowulf. Even at 95lbs, he does not live up to his name.

  6. This is so awesome I can bear-ly contain myself! How about ‘Sustinere’ for Kevin’s last name? It means bear in Latin and in no way sounds threatening.

  7. I thought his paws were down to hold his junk while he was doing his business. He’s mad ‘cuz you got there first. Kevin is a great name for an angry bear with a leapfrog fetish. Seriously, what else would he be named?

  8. Haaaaaaaaaa! For our Christmas party white elephant gift exchange this year, someone brought in a life size cardboard bear cutout. EVERYONE was fighting over it. It now lives in our office and dresses up for holidays. As it should.

  9. I think you should call him Pooh because that’s what you do when you see him.

  10. the bear is the best. startle-screaming on your way to the bathroom just makes everything better. 2. if you like kennings, you’ll LOVE german! even regular old everyday words like “gloves” can’t be gloves… they’re “hand-shoes” (handschuhe) and in austrian german, squirrels are “acorn kittens” (oachkatzl).

  11. You’ve just created a new home rehab show for HGTV! Think of all the money people will save – “Don’t you think we need to push out that wall, and add double sinks, and have a soaking tub?” “Nah, just add this life-size bear sticker and it’s all good.” 🙂

  12. This made my day. And thank you for the warning about the half spider/half venomous snake. That shit is just wrong.

  14. Oh wow, the possibilities are endless. I’ve got to do something like that in my house. Can’t do a bear though, I heard there’s a blogger who already started that trend. I need something original. 😉

  16. Your posts are such a bright spot in my day. I literally almost peed. And not in the new way “literally” is being used, like, “I am literally dying right now”, but in the way God intended. Seriously, I almost peed myself. Now I’m going to have to get up and go to the bathroom. And I have no Kevin.

  18. I wish you had posted the image where the bear appears to be violating you. The version in my head makes me laugh. I’m sure the actual photo is much better. The fact that the bear’s mouth is open in an orgasmic (maybe) yell makes it even better. You know how it’s become popular to put up bulletin board at funerals with a ton of old photos of the deceased? Be sure to start a “funeral photo file” and include the bear-violation pic. People will laugh through their tears. Note– this won’t happen for 50-plus years of course.

  19. Now I really want to see the leap frog picture.

    I once sponge painted red alligators around the top of my bathroom walls. I may have had some adult beverages while doing so and some red alligators may have had paint dripping from their open jaws. Blood from the last person who left the seat up.

  20. We have a stuffed mountain lion in the living room. The yelping from friends and repair men is quite funny. Especially if the friend has been to the house numerous times and forgets every time the large cat is there.

  21. OMG, the selfie possibilities are endless! This is definitely the bathroom I’d want to hang out in with you during large events. P.S. I bet Hunter S. Thomcat could pee in front of a bear named Beowulf.

  24. you set the bar far too high…i thought i was doing REALLY well having just yesterday installed a new sink & toilet in our guest bath. now in addition to finding an appropriate mirror for the space i also have to find a bear! ugh, the work just never ends. also, i fear for the mermaids who are already in residence in that bath…i’m afraid that the bear will consume the mermaids as if they’re just so many salmon!

  25. WHY am I the first one to suggest the last name Bacon? Is it because I haven’t eaten breakfast yet?

  26. Oh my goodness, how amazing is that? How do you even come up with the idea to put a bear in your bathroom? I bow down to your genius.

    And pray that no one has a heart attack in your bathroom.

  28. In Stephen King’s Dark Tower Series, Shardik is the bear that guards one end of one of the beams… he is the guardian of part of the world so to speak… and so, Kevin Shardik Lawson seems like a fitting name for a bear guarding your bathroom and picturesquely (it’s a word) violating you…

  29. I love the decal idea! I’d like one of a mountain lion stalking whoever is on the toilet.
    PS There would never be a line for that bathroom. Everyone would do their business quickly.
    PPS It would keep my dog, Roxy, on her paws.
    PPPS I would name your bear Smokey only because he is smokin’ hot.
    PPPPS I love the term leg elbows! I just had one repaired and will have to drop this new (old) terminology.
    PPPPPS Victor is wrong.

  30. I like Kevin…but I also like Winnie the Poop. You could name your room “Winnie the Poop and the Renovated Bathroom”.

  31. Jenny’s funhouse. I’d actually expect a giant bear behind multiple doors.

    My neighbors corgy is named Kevin. I think it’s a much better name for a bear.

  32. But it still doesn’t answer the question of whether or not bears shit in the woods. I mean, he might be all princess-like and only go in your bathroom now. Not sure this is a good precedent for you.

  35. Twenty-three years of interior design and I’d never thought of decorating with bears. I do, however, have a feral cat on the loose in my house. Because that’s the kind of shit that happens at my house.

  36. There is an alternate way to look at the bear – it appears to me that he is startled by seeing the naked ass on the toilet in front of him. As if he he is gasping “Oh My God! I can’t look, it’s too painful!”

  38. Can I come tour your house? I’ll totally pay $5.00. Or $500.00. I don’t care. Just take my money!

  39. Also, in my family, we don’t ask, “Does a bear shit in the woods?” Nor do we ask, “Does the Pope wear a funny hat?” Instead, we ask, “Does the Pope shit in the woods?” (And, no, I don’t know the answer to that one. But you might want to add another wall decal in your bathroom, just in case.)

  40. OMGSH this is the best!! How are you so awesome?!?! How is it humanly possible?!
    I do believe whatever it is anyone does in there the bear seems to be going “OH DEAR… in the name of all things holy! What are you …?! Oh that’s nasty!” And appropriately horrified for any and everything that he is about to see. Lol!!!

  42. I did not know how badly I needed to laugh. Thank you for passing along the belly laughs this morning!

  43. When I first saw the link I thought you had managed to put a real taxidermied bear in your bathroom and was impressed with the size of your bathroom but this makes more sense and now I don’t have the feel jealous of your huge bathroom, and I can copy the idea. Win-Win!

  44. I especially love the pic where Kevin seems about to swallow your whole head any you are smiling sweetly, like Whatever, Kevin you’re such a tease. Also, I did NOT click on the link for the spider snake because I have a hard enough time sleeping as it is. Thanks for the warning.

  46. I totally agree you with and Kevin…. the P.S.’s are the best part of the post. And dude, I totally love the wound-hoe term. So good!

  47. My day is starting off brilliantly because I have a plastic (vinyl?) bathroom bear named after me! Best. Day. Ever.

  49. Why did I click on the snake spider link? Why?? I will miss sleeping. Until I can get my hands on a flame thrower

  50. I want one! Only, mine would be in the shower. The water bill would plummet and I could buy a larger monitor or a third monitor for my office and life would again be awesome!

  51. Was loving this post…..and then I went to the link. Why the HELL did I go to the link?!?! Fucking spider-snakes……my feet will be up on my chair all day now.

    Who am I kidding….all I have to do is read the post again. Scream-satchel….. snort

  54. Then I saw the picture and realized it totally looked like the bear was violating me. No one wants that.

    Actually, I think there’s a whole subset of society into “bear porn”. Maybe this is what they are referring to…

  55. Okay, you totally need to check out Black Forest Decor for more bath accessories to go with Kevin – it’s a catalog I get in the mail that’s full of rustic, cabin-type decor. I’d start with the “Bath” tab. Or the “Bear” tab.
    http://www.blackforestdecor.com/

  57. Thank you for the great laugh first thing this morning! I don’t think that anyone would be expecting a bear to be in a bathroom, so yes, that would be a great way to help people along with their “daily business”! I can’t wait to see what we find behind doors number 2 and 3!

    Bear names. Hmmmm, after reading the other comments, I would have to agree with the people who suggested either Pooh (because that is what he makes you do), or Kevin. But, he also looks like a Steve… Your call.

  59. I really, really, really needed this today. Thank you so much Jenny; I’m having a depression lies moment and every laugh helps me remember that a little bit more.

  60. The PPS is my favorite… the fact that this thought even occurred to you and what I can only imagine the images look like. I’m so grateful I was not drinking coffee at that moment. Tho one should know not to read and drink/eat here. snort giggles

  63. Teddy. I think he totally personifies a Teddy (bear)! You are so weird you are awesome. I can relate a little (a lot!) to that. Carry on….

  64. If you like compound you should start learning German. An ambulance is German is basically a car-for-the-sick 😀

  67. Seriously though he does need on a wrist watch or some sneaks or something

  68. Ha! seriously though he needs a wrist watch or a brief case or maybe some sneaks?

  72. Also, I just watched the snake-spider video, and the bird that gets eaten is a moron. She perches on the snake’s head to catch the fake spider, and the snake strikes at her, and instead of going, “Fuck, dude; these rocks are all bitey and I’m leaving,” she lands anyway and tries to catch the fake spider again, because rocks with teeth are like lightning and only strike the same place once. Apparently. Stupid bird. Evolution just did the world a favor.

  74. One of my friends has a Hulk Hogan cut out in their guest bathroom. I forget about it EVERY TIME I go in there. It’s one of those things where the eyes seem to follow you no matter what which really ups the creep-factor for me.

  75. Kevin is awesome! I just adore how your brain works sometimes (maybe not with the whole depression/anxiety thing – I wouldn’t wish that on my enemies, as I understand completely how that whole thing “works”) I mean, really, you surprised Victor with a huge ass metal chicken, then “staged” Beyonce in your yard with a TARDIS, you have a ever evolving haunted dollhouse, and you put a freakin’ ginormous bear in your bathroom!

  76. You were approximately 4 minutes too late with your definition of “kenning” – totally looked it up when you used it so casually, thinking I must have missed out on the learning of a very common word through childhood and youth and young adulthood and oh my gosh I’m in my mid-adulthood I’m having a midlife crisis all because there wasn’t any asterisk to clue me in that you were gonna cover that later. SEE HOW PUNCTUATION RUINS LIVES??

  77. Thanks for defining kenning. I was like, damn people who are smarter than men, now I have to go google that shit. Kevin is pretty cool.

  80. Kevin is amazing. And anything that can make you look that happy can’t be wrong. I would be dying anytime someone new came over, just waiting for their reaction.
    And can I add that I admire your brain? Who else would get a decal coupon and think giant bear?

  81. That spider/viper thing? I’ve just sworn off camping for life. May even consider giving up the outdoors entirely. That is the creepiest fucking thing I’ve ever seen.

  82. I neeeeed to see a picture of you feeding him Taco Bell…I don’t know why….but I think it might be amazing OR it might give the bear explosive diarrhea…which would be terrible.

  83. There is a stealth kenning that we use all the time: window, aka wind-eye. It’s why nearly every other european language has some form of fenestra, and we don’t. (Danish, is vindue–hello Vikings!)

  84. This post had everything: weirdness, bears, bathrooms, word play, absurdity, and kenning. So I guess I’m done w/ the internet for today. Many thanks.

  87. By far the best bathroom decoration ever! If Victor is still having an issue with it perhaps he could think of Kevin’s bathroom as the “helping bathroom”. Who needs a Fiber-One bar when you have Kevin! And he’s adorable to boot!

  90. Maybe you should put a TV in there so you & Kevin could watch Mythbusters together.

  92. Well, that’s certainly a different decorating approach. Too bad you can’t put a camera in there to see the reaction of people when they walk in.

  94. In one of my old apartments, my then-boyfriend and I didn’t discover until we moved in that the person before us left their old shower curtain behind. Said shower curtain was in a sort of toile-looking print, with line drawings of people all over it, but if you looked closely you saw that the figures in the drawings were actually all topless women.

    We kept it and would get a big kick out of it those first few months whenever we had people over and someone had to use the bathroom – they’d walk in, and we’d quietly count to three and then hear them say “LOVE the shower curtain!”

  95. Wait, is an asterisk considered punctuation? It must be, yet it’s making me doubt myself. Off to Google…….
    Okay so yes, some people specifically call it punctuation, Wiki calls it “a typographical symbol or glyph”……. but computer scientists and mathematicians call it a splat. A splat?!

    I think my respect for computer scientists and mathematicians just doubled.

    SPLAT

  98. First of all, Keven was also the last Merlin in Mists Of Avalon, so Keven is magical. Second of all, there is no such thing as too many post scripts. Lastly, and most importantly, why hasn’t anyone taxidermied a raccoon as Rocket Raccoon, and built a lifesize Groot for him to hang out on? No one has been able to answer me that.

  99. I’m very excited about this new word you’ve taught us all. I shall immediately start using it.
    Now that I know where I can order custom wall decals, my apartment is going to get a lot more interesting.

  100. Thank you, Kevin absolutely made my day!

    I like the name suggestions already made. Using some of the suggestions made:
    Kevin Loo De-Poohbear
    Kevin looville
    Kevin Poohgazer (the nice way of saying poo-stalker)

  102. I am in awe of your craftiness. And I don’t mean the sticking it on the wall. I mean what a great way to pull attention away from a tired-looking day in the mirror. You’re right. The bear is all we can see . . . and we don’t care if she is wearing makeup:).

  104. I always feel like our house needs a “Lyle”, so I named my daughter’s new hang-from-the-door-handle giraffe Lyle for her, but THIS… this just seems to have so much more potential.

    PS I love your addendums!

    PPS “Scream satchel” made me snort out loud. “Would you mind holding my scream-satchel for a minute?”

    PPPS Thanks for always making me laugh because I’m not the only one who still finds joy in the craziest stuff. 😀

  105. I’m glad I read this at home, it’s just too hard to explain to people who wonder why you are laughing so hard you’re crying.

  106. Those are the best selfies I’ve ever seen in my life. I’m seriously considering investing in a stuffed bear now just to recreate my own set. Personally, I dig the name Kevin de Pooh – as though he’s French. But this could just be because my mind is set on avoiding work and I’m out of booze.

  107. Holy Shit! I started laughing so hard, I may have busted stitched, and I definitely scared the people around me, because by the time i gotta the first PS I couldn’t breathe. Thanks for sharing!

  113. Bless you. My sweetheart, a.k.a. Kevin, I call him Bear. I kid you not. Thank you. This is perfect. Now I need one in my bathroom. The bear sticker that is. I’ve got a Kevin.

  114. He needs one of those word bubbles that says “ain’t nobody got time to shit!”

  117. What it needs now is life-sized tree stickers to go around and behind the bear, to really sell the joke. “Does a bear shit in the woods? No, but he watches you while you do it!”

  119. It would be so great to have a hidden camera to catch people’s reactions when they spot the bear, except that since it’s a bathroom that would be pretty pervy and most likely illegal…

  120. I am beyond jealous you have a life-size sticker bear in your bathroom. You are more than qualified to have your own design show now.

  121. That bear has an awesome stink face. Now I don’t want to be judgey, but maybe y’all need to change up your diet if you’re causing the poor bear such distress.

  123. Who doesn’t need a life sized bear staring at people in the bathroom? No one, that’s who. You have to post the picture of the leapfrogging violating bear, we all need to see that. Really.

  124. I think Kevin is the perfect name for the bathroom bear. It’s a strong, yet non-threatening name. I was going to suggest Finnigan, but you’d have to put a bow tie or sweater vest on him. I’d really like to see the “leap frog” pictures, if that was really your intention…

  126. From now on I’ll be doing my business outside at your house. I mean, not ALL my business. I’m not holding it specifically till I get to your house, but if I do, well it will be outside. Just like a bear.

  128. How much will orders jump today for Walls Need Love? Because I want a bear too.

  129. I teach Brit Lit I at a university and of course that means teaching Beowulf. Next semester? Students are also getting this post to illustrate my two things. 1- use of kennings in modern language (which we already do with terms like “ankle biters” but as usual the Bloggess’s take is better) and 2- that learning about old literature can have value beyond the classroom, such as in enjoying wonderfully nerdy posts such as this one. (Last class I showed my students a tumblr post about the Earl of Rochester buttering a tree, so trust me, I’m being serious when I say I’ll be sharing this post.)

    Also, they’ll learn about Kevin the Bathroom Bear and that’s just a valuable life lesson in and of itself.

  132. My dad was fond of the kenning thing. Sort of. I grew up with hand shoes, foot gloves, and stink-purdy as what you gave your mom for her birthday or mothers’ day. Also? In the room with Kevin Beowolf? You need some brownie film. Lots of white rolls of brownie film.

  134. This is awesome! How about Kevin Accostner, since he looks like he is about to accost someone in your bathroom? Speaking of accosting, yea, we are going to have to see that violating picture. You know you didn’t delete it.

  135. Oh my sweet Lordisa, you just made me laugh so fucking hard I had to go pee. Alas, there was not a wall bear in my bathroom. Thank you for everything you do.

  137. My brother and sister-in-law have a full sized print of John Wayne on their wall. He stares right at you while you are in there. I actually don’t know which is scarier-the bear or John Wayne!

  139. Regarding your fourth PS – a friend of mine has a fear of elbows (yes, really) and once freaked out at a stranger who was wearing shorts by demanding that he put his leg-elbows away.

  140. I thought the bear looked fierce until the middle picture on the second row. That looks like the two of you are sharing a laugh. And now I can’t see anything but a laughing bear. Which might be really hard on some of your guests. If they think someone is laughing at them when their private parts are out. Kevin is kind of an ass hole.

  142. Not at work. NOT at work. NOT AT work. NOT AT WORK. People already think I’m crazy. And what’s wrong with Pooh, other than the original was a sweet little fella with a honey addiction? I’d go with Kevin “Don’t Call Me Charmin” Ursine.

  144. I totally grew up thinking it was”The Berenstein Bears” too!! Apparently a LOT of people remember that “incorrect” spelling from their childhood and it’s considered part of the Mandela Effect, which freaks me the fuck out. We are remembering an alternate history or alternate timeline in which the authors had a slightly different last name. One of the other ones that gets me is the fact that I remember watching Billy Graham’s funeral on TV and it was at his library, and it was attended by former U.S. presidents. … Long story short, in this timeline Billy Graham is still alive. I’m not the only one who remembers it. http://mandelaeffect.com/billy-grahams-funeral-on-tv

  145. I want you to know that I had Blue Planet on in the background as I read this. Suddenly, I realized that I had just heard the phrase: Herring sperm curds. Yes, David Attenborough said herring sperm curds while I read your blog. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

  146. When I saw the picture of a bear, I just laughed out loud. New fan Jenny, thanks for making my night (it’s 2am here on the 17th of April on the other side of the world).

  149. You are so fucking ON this week.

    I had an idea! since your bear is in the bathroom. Instead of having to use crass terms like “peeing” or “crapping” in mixed company, you could say “Ursa Minor” for a number one and “Ursa Major” for the number two. For instance:

    Someone refined who might be in your house: “Why are you hopping back and forth like that?”

    You: “No reason, I just have to take a MAJOR Ursa Minor with Kevin but I wanted to wait until you finished your story first.”

    See? Classy AND polite.

  151. I absolutely must remember NOT to have my mouth full of coffee when reading your blog. Somehow I managed to not spew mine all over my thankfully very brown family room furniture and rug (the throw pillows would have been stained, though).

    Thank you for a laugh out loud coffee break, or is that a break from my coffee. Either way, I adore Kevin. Is he originally from Yellowstone or Alaska? Unfortunately, California’s Kevin’s have all been killed long ago. I’m assuming he’s a grizzly. He certainly looks like one. I am an expert. I watch TV. Brutus is a grizzly raised by Casey and Ami. But don’t be deceived. Grizzlies can be dangerous. Or so I’ve been told. On TV.

  153. i agree with Victor, but then, you say ‘ridiculous’ like it is a bad thing. but it may actually be a ‘kenning’ as well, referencing the ‘ridding of an icky louse’. because what other kind of louse is there?

  155. Kevin is fabulous. I would have loved to have heard your phone conversation with the decal people.

  156. I feel no fear in peeing with a bear named Kevin in the room. It’s not like his name is Ted or Phil. THAT would be creepy. Of Vlad. VLAD the bear would make me get a bladder infection.

  160. I am only sorry that I didn’t think of renovating like this – I’ve lived here 17 years and haven’t done a single thing to the bathroom except change the shower curtain. I NEED A BEAR. Or a weasel. Only a big weasel. Like a tasmanian devil, only not the cartoon one. Or a wolverine! I need a wolverine, only THAT one I want in the bedroom and it should be in a yellow spandex suit and be Hugh Jackman.
    Wait. I forgot where I was going with this whole thing. Hugh Jackman. Huge Ackman. #NomNom

  161. You and Kevin need to take a photo posing like the cover of a romance novel.

  162. Should totally name him Beobear instead of Beowulf. Kevin Beobear has a nice ring to it.

  163. who needs laxative?! Epic!!

    I’d put a hook where his paws are, for a helpful towel, as if he was holding it. …or a spare toilet roll, although being behind the door might make it impractical.

    Victor is so wrong.

  164. @ Barbara: we say ‘does the Pope shit in the woods?’ as well! And Kevin is the PERFECT name! Jenny, I just love everything you do! And I am unanimous in this!!

  166. I kind of wish Kevin was facing the other way because then he could be yelling at people through the door for various bathroom transgressions.

    “Hey asshole, you hung the toilet paper the wrong way!”
    “Who left this towel on the floor?”
    “Go away, Hunter S. Thomcat, I AM BUSY IN HERE!”

  167. From the spidersnake article: “There are very few of these vipers left in the world, so the environment department of Iran is being encouraged to protect them from extinction. ”
    It’s things like this that are preventing Iran from respecting the west. It’s a poisonous snake covered in spines with a spider shape on the end. What part of that does not say “kill it with fire until the very memory of these creatures is vanished from the earth”?

  168. He just looks so fabulous. I can’t decide if he looks like he’s singing or if he’s like “HEY!! OH MY GOSH, HEEYYYY!! YOU LOOK SO AMAZING! WHERE DID YOU GET THOSE JEANS??”

  172. “Can you pass me that butter knife?”

    “Do you mean this hoe for wounding lumps of clabbered cow-juice? It is a certainty that I will.”

  174. What do you mean, “No one wants that”??!!?! WE ALL WANT THAT – not for it to happen, of course – but the picture. We definitely want the picture.

  178. Can you maybe rehang the door so that it swings in toward the sink instead of toward Kevin? That way, you can put a little shelf or short table in front of Kevin, one that comes up to where his hands are, and on the table, you could place an extra roll of toilet paper, some reading material, and Febreeze so that it looks like Kevin is suggesting maybe you should cover the smell and what the hell did you eat for breakfast? Carrion? (bears sometimes eat carrion for breakfast, so Kevin probably knows exactly what breakfast carrion scat smells like and that is why he offers the Febreeze)

    And, yes, I do realize re-hanging the door would take away from the surprise of finding Kevin behind the door but to my mind, smell-erasing Kevin is far more useful than scaring the crap out of guests Kevin.
    Possibly.

  179. So when my daughter was 3, our dog died and we had to tell her. Through tear filled eyes, she asked me if the dog was now in Kevin aka heaven. I know feel that much more validated in my answer, that yes indeed the dog is in Kevin.

  182. The term “leg elbows” reminds me of a term someone I know uses for the inside of your elbow: “the crotch of your elbow.” Just can’t get behind that one for some reason. I don’t even think that shiz qualifies as a kenning.

  183. So, I know you were all pleased you finished your book, but I think this post needs to be in it because it is literally one of the best things I have ever read. Maybe you can do an insert? Maybe I will print this out and take it inside the back cover so I can read this whenever I need to, which I think will be often.

    In other news, those bear books have both Christmas and Easter versions, so I don’t think they take that religious thing that seriously.

  185. My husband and I often considered naming one of our daughters “daughter” thanks to those Bernstein bears. Instead, we will name our next dog Grandma. That will be fun to yell through the neighborhood the time it gets away.

  186. I have a new line of work for you: bring constipated people into the bathroom blindfolded, have them sit down on the commode, and… instant poop. They’ll thank you, you’ll be a jillionaire. You’re welcome.

  187. Dear Bloggess,
    I have a feeling we could be related! My rather warped sense of humour seems to mesh with yours. I too have done the same things to my family. Sometimes they laugh…and sometimes they want to commit me.

  189. Now I need a bear for my guest bathroom & I won’t sleep because I watched the freaky snake/spider video! 🙂

  190. And to be fair, once Kevin disagrees with you, you have pretty much already entirely lost.

  191. Amazing. You won’t have to do any actual renovations since now no one will even notice anything else in your bathroom. You saved money. Victor should thank you.

  193. Fuck. I didn’t finish reading this blog post and I tried to play leapfrog with a bear. Now I have no kidneys.

    Wait. That may not have been a bear. It may have been an organ harvester disguised as a bear. Fuck. I really fucked up.

  198. Here’s a word bubble to suggest for your bear: “Don’t forget to flush and wash your hands!”

  200. Jenny, that is not a photo decal of some random bear! That is Bart the Bear, I’m almost certain. His bottom lip is hard for me to miss; I’ve always been a fan. At least his name rhymes with something that happens randomly…in bathrooms….

  201. A) Where’s the post for us to vote on the fact that Victor is wrong?

    B) Shari wins. I think he should be named Pooh. That way when someone comes to your house and asks, “May I use your restroom?” You can say, “Sure. Just be warned, Pooh is in there.” Then they’ll be all, “Uh, never mind. I really don’t need to go.” Then you laugh and say, “Oh, not POO! POOH!” And they’ll be all, “Huh?” And you’ll say, “Pooh. Like Winnie-the.” And they’ll be all, “Ha ha! I thought you meant poo. Guess I’ll go afterall!” Then, because they’re expecting a sweet, cuddly stuffed bear, they’ll shit themselves and then you’ll really have poo in there!

    Oh, wait. Never mind.

    OK, plan C. Name him Schitzinthewudz. Then when people come out of your bathroom and are all, “Holy crap! There’s a bear in your powder room! What’s his name?” You just say, “Schitznthewudz.” And they’ll be all, “No. I didn’t ask where he GOES. I was wondering what you call him.” And you say, “Schitznthewudz.” And then if they yell, “Who’s on first?!” You’ll know you can be friends forever.

  202. If you aren’t totally committed to “Kevin”, how about Leonard Bearnstein, in honor of the composer?

  203. He should have three or four first names like: Kevin James Thomas Arnold….I work with a guy that has NO last name. Your bear should have NO LAST NAME…..unending firsts only.

  206. I guess there’s something wrong with me because Kevin doesn’t look angry. If I went into the bathroom and closed the door and he was there I’d think he was saying, “Oh, hi, how’s it going?” And I’d expect him to hand me a towel when I was done washing my hands.

    If you ever go in your bathroom and there’s a dollar in the soap dish it’s because I went in there and left Kevin a tip.

  207. I would worry about having a bear in my bathroom. Like he’d be there all silently judging me for cheaping out and not buying Charmin.

  208. I’d worry about having a bear in my bathroom. Like he’d be there, all silently judging me for cheaping out and not buying Charmin.

  209. Your bear is fan-fucking-tasic. I want one but don’t have the room. My husband would just die. Love it.

  213. I LOVE this! Might have to do this to cover up a couple of wall blemishes 🙂

  214. One time I couldn’t remember the word for the top half of my arm, so I called it my arm-thigh. I am in favor of the new language simply because SOMETIMES WORDS ARE HARD TO REMEMBER. Also we have the same phone case so I feel really connected to you right now.

  218. My son had an iguana when he was younger, we would let it roam the house but he loved to climb into the bathtub and just hang out (the iguana, not my son). I would warn people to not look in the bathtub but would they listen? Nooo, they would come running out screaming. I think it gave the poor iguana a complex.

  219. i name everything in my house “Kevin”. our internet service. the spatula. my inhaler. my husband has made peace with this and life is much simpler. because I’m right.

  220. I just read this for the second time (and laughed just as hard as the first time!) but just noticed that the title is “bare” wall. HAHAHA!! Thanks for the laughs!

  223. I think that in the interest of everyone involved, you should post the picture of you, egging the bear on.. all bent over and shit. (pun intended) Because…. obviously.

    ps. really, post it.

  224. Ha! You’re killin’ me with your header pun. I can barely stifle my guffaws!

  225. Colicky Babies are “Scream Satchels”; this is awesome. As is the rest, but don’t you think babies in general should be “scream satchels”? Or food-pits?

  226. My name is Bea Wolfe. I only sting when provoked and bare my teeth when necessary.
    Not scary at all.
    Could your bear be giving you the run around, could Kevin be female? We all know how difficult and or amourous sexing a bear can be.
    If your bear outs herself a terrific name is Bonny. Bonny Beowulf. It rings.

  227. Just found your blog. Love it!! But had to scroll down 226 comments…! just to say hi. But I’m wondering, does a bear shit in the woods if no one is there to watch him?

  228. I think I would struggle to pee with him watching me.

    Today in my creative writing class we had a pretty in depth discussion of what a bear would do and say. When stuff like this happens, I find it harder to defend myself against the people who think my degree is pointless. That said I was an active participant in the discussion. (I totally started it).

  229. I have been giggling over your second paragraph (because I’m too lazy to quote all of the several parts of it that are hysterically funny). Surprise! You have a bear behind you! Imagining your guests’ surprise is a good way to start my weekend after a long week, is what I’m saying.
    Also, I think V Power is your mind twin.

  230. Wall mirrors! I got wall mirror – birds and tree branches – all around my mirror… GORGEOUS! I wish I could post a pic to show you, but the bear is just as awesome. 55minutedrive.blogspot.com ~Jael

  231. On kenning: in my family we refer to the large toe on your feet as your “foot-thumb”.

  235. Kevin Bomb-bear-dier because he photobombs and bombards you , plus bombadier is such a jaunty-sounding word! this would totally get a Vivi Leigh scream outta me!

  236. Sad to say, Victor is right. The word you really want is remodeled. As in, ” I just totally remodeled my bathroom by adding a bear!”

  237. Berenstain Bears definitely not Jewish. Note this description from Amazon of “The Berenstain Bears and the Easter Story:” “The Bear cubs and Papa are candy-crazy this Easter! But Mama, with help from Papa, tells the cubs about Jesus’ resurrection and shows them that salvation is much sweeter than candy. Includes a colorful sticker set.” salvation=much sweeter than candy. If I were a pastor, I’d be saving that one for next Easter’s sermon notes. Anyway, I’m terrified of being eaten by a bear, and apparently I talk about it too much, because people keep sending me links this post 🙂

  238. i totally cried so hard when that bird got attacked by that mean ol’ snake. i’m also a 25 year old man. also, the video said that the viper was on the brink of extinction so i suppose it’s getting what it deserves… in my books anyway.

  240. Holy fuck shit pis WHY did I click the link to the spider snake. Which evolution was very cunning in that design but holy fuck shit piss fuck that noise! I’m seriously traumatized!

  241. That bear is amazing! Please come to my house and decorate my bathroom! Unless it involves one of those spider-snake things you were talking about, because jeepers those are creepy.

    Yes, I said jeepers ;p

  242. Yea but that big bird on the movie ‘Up’ is named Kevin which I totally loved (as a bird name). Maybe the bear should be Dennis?

  245. I really think we should have an update to this post with the “leapfrog” picture.

  246. How thoughtful to install a decoration that causes guests to shit themselves! Help them to get it done quick; nothing worse than going to the loo in a friend’s house and having to stay in there for ages because of a turd that thinks it’s a trapeze artist which swings from your arse forever. They’re out there thinking OMG it’s been 15 minutes, what is she doing to my bathroom?!
    (Any ideas for a decal that might have the opposite effect? That might aid constipation? Say, for less generous homeowners who’d prefer people to NOT pinch a loaf in their house?)

  248. Gah! I hope you play Dragon Age some time! You can get a ranger specialization and summon a bear to fight by your side. It’s really fun to amble through town with him/her. Except it works the opposite of the selfie scenario you mentioned, because people are too busy freaking out about the fact that you’re a woman or an elf or what have you to notice there’s a MASSIVE bear standing next to them…

    It’s hilarious. Or maybe I just need to get a life, I’m not sure.

  249. A couple of years ago, my wife and I went to Disney World. When I went to the bathroom, the shower curtain featured Ariel (the Little Mermaid). Not only were her eyes positioned so that she was looking at you on the toilet, but she was holding a big hour glass.

    Just what I needed. A mermaid staring at me doing my business and timing how long I was in there. No pressure. No pressure at all!

  250. I watched the video. Don’t tellpeople not to watch it becuase that’s exactly what they’re going to do. Holy shit, I will never look at snakes or spiders (even the occasional daddy long legs is now a viscious, blood sucking, flesh eating enemy of mine) the same!

  253. So I may have just woken up my adorable scream-satchel by snorting at this post while holding him. It was worth it

  254. My husband — whose name is Smokey because when he was a freshman in college he wanted to be a forest ranger — would adore me forever if I put a bear decal somewhere in our house. Maybe not a scary bear like Kevin, though. He’d want one that more closely resembled, say, Pooh.

  255. HOLY CRAP, I am just now seeing this… (Don’t judge me. I was literally in the hospital when this blog was posted.) And being named “Kevin” is very non-threatening. I mean heck, I’m a 4’10” girl and it’s my name. 😉
    -Heaven with a K

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