Remember this week when I talked about Geraldo the Giraffe and a bunch of you encouraged me to make a kickstarter so I could buy him? Well, I can’t do that because it feels selfish to have people buy me a giant metal giraffe. Mostly because yesterday I bought something so awesome that it makes my heart hurt and I really want to show it to you but I also want to surprise you because that will make Victor less likely to cancel all of my credit cards before the payment goes through. Here’s a hint though…it looks like something straight out of Narnia. AND IT IS MAGICAL.
And speaking of magical, a lot of you asked for this.
If you buy one I promise that all profits will go to buying incredibly stupid and ridiculous things that will make people laugh and also make them extremely thankful they don’t live with me. Or if you want to make your own with glittery puff-paint, do that. That’s the awesome thing about being magical. Magical people make great t-shirts. Plus, even if the t-shirt looks fucked up it still works because it’s (un)intentionally broken.
PS. I’m taking my kid on a weekend mother-daughter camping trip because she insisted it would make for great bonding and that I need to get out of the house more. We’re assigned to stay in a cabin with strangers next to a lake. All I can think of is serial killer movies. I’m bringing my own self-defense axe.
PPS. She just told me they also have kayaking. I think I prefer serial killers.
So, what did you buy? I can’t stand the suspense – what can be better than an 11 foot giraffe?
Ugh… that t-shirt gives me all the feels. Dang it. So I’m going to focus on the more important questions – how does a self-defense ax differ from a regular ax?? And where can I get one? These are the things that keep me up at night.
PS. Thanks for making my world a more magical place, despite the brokenness. DANG IT FEELS, WHO INVITED YOU.
Centaurs are all the rage for Spring! I’m going to try and crochet that into a shawl like Charlotte, but not hang it from a barn.
Also – totally back the anti-serial killer packing.
If you’re running from a serial killer… DON’T HIDE BEHIND THE CHAINSAWS! Get in the running car and get back to civilization!
How about a t-shirt with Geraldo the Giraffe? Would Victor be okay with a t-shirt for cripes sake??
Whatever you do, when the power mysteriously goes out during a thunderstorm and the phone lines have been cut, be sure to go outside in the rain alone to look for help, but leave your common sense (and your axe) behind, no way you’ll be needing them. Think of the blog fodder.
I think that whenever you bring an axe (which, actually, is quite handy when camping) to a secluded lakeside cabin, the axe gets wrested from your hands and used against you by a psychopathic killer. Is pepper spray a better option? Perhaps there is no way to protect yourself from serial killers. According to Criminal Minds they are a wily and dangerous bunch. On that note, enjoy!
I figure that in any given group I’m the most likely serial killer, so if I leave the axe at home all should be well.
Perfectly serendipitous. Broken AND magical, yes. I. am. amen. 🙂
Also, you & camping…you do know there will be dirt, and bugs…and pack your life preserver & bear spray. xo
Today on the website Deal News I saw a “bodice dagger” for sale and I got all excited until I realized it was actually just scissors. Anyway, perhaps a bodice dagger what you need on your camping trip. You’d able to keep your weapon with you at all times. Later I realized I probably shouldn’t keep any weapons in my bosom because I’m likely to give myself an accidental mastectomy.
That’s so cool your daughter wants to go camping with you! I’ve been camping tons of times and have lived to tell many stories….I haven’t been kayaking and that does look a little scary…But you know what, I was just driving through the CO mountains and it was SNOWING and there were people getting in their kayaks…so it must be fun, right?!?
In my office, we refer to serial killers as “The Pantyhose Strangler.” Why we’re constantly talking about serial killers up here is anyone’s guess. Also, I need enough of those T-shirts to clothe a small army. Except I need them all to be mediums. So… I need enough to clothe a medium-sized small army? My head hurts now.
If you find a creepy book bound in human skin under the cabin floor, for the love of god don’t let anybody read it.
When I have to do something extremely horrible and tragic – like camping, for instance – I get through it by reminding myself it will make a great blog. If I survive.
UGH my boobs are too big for Zazzle’s shirts D:
I am SO broken (physically, mentally, emotionally) that I NEED one of those shirts.
Also, I call my handwriting “serial killer scrawl” font. Everything I write automatically looks like a ransom note. Isn’t it too freaking hot for camping already? Stay away from random VHS cassettes that you might find in the cabin.
You could always bring Geraldo with you for protection. After all, who would mess with someone with an attack giraffe?
Don’t do it. Kayaks are floating death tubes.
this is what a survival ax looks like: http://www.thinkgeek.com/product/f074/?srp=2
I kinda want one. A lot.
Kayaking? Paddle faster, I hear banjos.
That shirt is awesome. Camping? Not so much.
Amazing. I love this shirt.
OH MY GOD YOU FOUND A TAXIDERMIED LION DIDN’T YOU
(Better. ~ Jenny)
I loved this particular blog – it made me laugh out loud (lol) for quite some time. I am a serial killer afficiando – and I don’t know why….
Fortunately, bringing your own axe to a cabin near a lake isn’t a thing that can possibly be misconstrued by rural law enforcement officials.
My next and slightly less loud guess is Reepicheep
My ex-wife was a total rhymes-with-witch, but told me at least ONE thing that was real and true: the two things that married people should NOT do together are (a) wallpapering a bathroom, and (b) kayaking …
You stay with strangers? That will be interesting.
Have fun 🙂
Along withe the axe, don’t forget bug spray!
I don’t want to alarm you, but just now, reading that you were going to share a cabin with STRANGERS made the hair on my neck stand up. That is never a good sign.
If my kid wanted to go camping I would take him to a Motel 6. Stand up shower is roughing it for me.
Sticking with the broken theme, my suggestion is to ‘roll your ankle’ and save yourself the kayak. Instead, you and Hailey can make a shelter with your self defence axe should your roomies start to tell you kayaking stories on their return.
PS: the only stars I sleep under are 5 stars 🙂
I thought I was the only one with a self defense ax!
I do love the shirt.
Goodie, goodie — you get to pee in the woods! I won’t say look out for the rattlesnakes because then you won’t think of anything but rattlesnakes; however, I have faith that your daughter will defend you from everything. Have fun and Geraldo Giraffe made me laugh out loud. xox
Camping with strangers next door is straight out of a B movie plot from the 80’s. May the force be with you! 😉
You’re thinking serial killers, I’m thinking “oooh, great blog material.” I guess you say potato … I say glass half full… or something like that.
Bring any scent of AXE spray,, if you EVER had teen boy in your house, you would knoe that stuff is deadlier than a double headed axe with pepper spray on it!
Bring any scent of AXE spray… if you EVER had teen boy in your house, you would know THAT stuff is deadlier than a double headed axe with pepper spray on it!
You are so awesome, I love coming to your blog and if it has been a while I can find myself on it for hours. I have told many friends about your book and blog. When I read your book I couldn’t put it down.
Can you carve the end(s) of your kayak oar into an axe head? Both situations covered.
I definitely want one of those shirts. It’s made of awesome.
And also I really hope Geraldo goes to a good home where he will be loved.
Kayaking is cool. However(and this is the voice of experience talking) bring your own water bottle and sunscreen. Long story short, my first time kayaking I ended up tipping the kayak over(it was my mom’s fault, even she agrees with that) and nearly sinking it. I do know how to empty a kayak full of water now. Turn it over, lift it up as far as you can and let the water empty. DO NOT attempt to get back in. Just go to shore. Because the people on the jet ski can’t swim. At least the ones who tried to help me. It was a rough day all around.
Today left me feeling broken, but not very magical. Maybe I need one of your unicorns!
The only thing better than a stuffed Aslan is a Mr. Tumnus. I can’t imagine Victor cancelling your credit cards over Reepicheep.
It’d be difficult to top a giant metal giraffe.
I foolishly signed up for wordpress, but decided to stay where I was. Now wordpress demands I sign into that account with my email and won’t free the email from the wordpress account (even though I changed the email).
Could you add the google button to the accepted forms of identified comments?
Mother daughter bonding is not all its cracked up to be.
http://www.raisingtheuniquebean.com
I have a fireman’s axe, but I loaned it to a girl who is using it to chop wood (even though they aren’t very good for chopping wood). She seems to like it. I was spoiled by the double-bitted axes my dad used to get from the Forest Service. Those are the best. Not only are they good for wood chopping, but if you were murdering up some zombies or serial killers, you could get them on the back swing also.
Mother-daughter camping sounds like one of those things that should sound fun but really sound kind of terrifying. We’re rooting for you against the kayaks and serial killers.
Huh. I happen to also be going to a place where there are girls & mothers camping in cabins by the lake and kayaking this weekend. Although in our case we’re just coming in for the rifle class and leaving after. Imma be very surprised if we see you!
SO wonderful!! I’m buying it tonight. Hope you and your daughter have a wonderful trip
My curiosity is going nuts, just fyi.
I used to camp a lot with my kids. Unfortunately I was terrified of spiders and they always ended up on ME in the tent at night. Be glad you are in a cabin. Enjoy the weekend with your daughter, those are the best!
I recently went camping in cabins with strangers. The four year old child slept in my bed with me to protect me. The eight year old child slept in her own bunk. Sigh. My children are braver than me and having a snuggly wee girl say “I love you mommy” every time she turned over, even in her sleep, allowed me to make it through the weekend.
You don’t have to worry with Hailey there. She’s obviously a bad-ass.
I’ll be thinking of you both this weekend & wishing for a lovely time.
“Magical people make great t shirts.” That totally sounds like something a serial killer would say.
If Wil Wheaton happens to show up in the woods and says he has a motel near by, run……..he was a serial killer on Criminal Minds……just sayin since you are going into the woods.
You’ll be fine. You don’t have to run fast. Just faster than Hailey. After all, it was her idea.
I once had a discussion with my karate instructor about serial killers and people trying to chase you. His response, “Take out a kneecap. They would expect you to try to punch the face, but hardly anyone thinks to protect knees…yet if one or both were damaged, fight over.” It made sense to me.
Some of my happiest childhood memories are from being around a campfire with my family. Kayaking would be a wonderful bonding activity for you and your mini partner in crime. I haven’t killed my husband yet and we do it together all the time. (Kayak, that is…although now that i mention it, i haven’t killed him whilst doing any other activities together either.) If you go on the water, please be sure to wear a pfd. We’d like you to survive the trip. Victor needs someone to continue telling him what life is really all about.
Ok, I’m giving you major mommy brownie points. Because this: “We’re assigned to stay in a cabin with strangers next to a lake.” That is one level of hell for most of us. When do you get canonized?
I am you. or a random crappy give uppy version. I tried , as I have many times before over like the last 5 years? to buy something you created . from zazzle. I love the shirt . I want the shirt . but like any and every time after 25 min. I just give up take two Xanax , wash it down with red wine and give up. it’s a great shirt. but I’m not up to that many sign in’s and passwords and…sweet fuck all. just so I can buy a cool Tshirt , coffe mug , magnet etc….Amazon is simple this format is hard and then my chest hurts , and I need Xanax and blood pressure meds. as a result as a long time lover of your blog and rooter for you in life . and yes I buy your books in all formats. but zazzle is even harder than T-spring. so….whatever I guess -amy
If you get a giant girafficorn, it may finally be all worthwhile.
For reals Hindu goddess… Akhilanda… The goddess of never not broken. She rides about on the back of a crockodile. 🐊
Camping is awesome! If by camping you mean a luxurious room in a spa.
Ordered shirt. Can’t wait to get it. Can’t wait to hear what you did buy.
All I picture whenever I hear about someone going camping is that episode of “Psych” where Shawn and Gus go to stay overnight at a friend’s summer camp and it then becomes a serial killer cliche situation and it’s hilarious as well as scary, so if you are attacked by a serial killer I hope it’s at least a funny one who employs all the cliches possible and then James Roday appears and saves you.
I have a pumpkin axe.
What about a kayaking serial killer? Who also loves to sing camp songs? Oh god…
Love the shirt but $35 for a t-shirt? Really?
You should get this awesome (and CREEPY) giant cat head: http://twistedsifter.com/2015/04/giant-cat-head-you-can-wear-like-mask/
Get Bear spray! Good for warding off bears AND seriel killers.
My daughter must have this shirt. Use the proceeds toward the metal giraffe. Please!
there is some Narnia speculation involving mannequin heads/torsos and fauns or centaurs
I assume you are talking car camping. Just leave room for Beyonce, the metal chicken. Her shadow should ward off the serial killers (I don’t think your travel-size version would help, unless you want to use it as a weapon…)
Oh, my god. I hope you don’t end up having to PUT THE LOTION IN THE FUCKING BASKET! This is unlikely, since you’ll be camping, but if a guy asks you to help him load a couch into a van, don’t do it. It won’t end well.
Also, I’m totally getting one of those shirts. But I’m a giantess, so if it fits me like a crop top I’m sending it back covered in dog hair.
Please excuse the engineer taking you literally:
If you really want a metal giraffe don’t talk to the clerk. And if you REALLY want a metal giraffe mention to the store manager that you MIGHT be a media personality that would be happy to write about the awesome people at [insert store name here] who gave you a giraffe, and didn’t even insist on naming rights.
YES, you are a powerful media personality. OWN IT. Heck forget the zazzle stuff, just go into baby onesies or something.
I LOOOOOVE camping. Only we do it in tents. And by “do it” I mean…camping…but also wilderness boinking is really super awesome. A few fun facts:
1. I can make a campfire like a motherfucker. I’m super rad at it and typically only need a few sticks and pinecones to accomplish a blaze like you have never witnessed.
2. My husband super sucks at making campfires. He will use every shred of newspaper to get his fire started – and when he runs out – he starts using my paper towels. This typically happens on the first night.
3. Took my dog camping one time and when we got home, she couldn’t lift her tail or wag it. Apparently dogs tails can get wagged out. Who knew?
4. We have a utility trailer now to carry all of our camping loot to the wilderness, only we have no trailer hitch on either of our vehicles. (We have had the trailer for 3 years…still no goddamned trailer hitch.)
5. I take my guitar to every campout and have never played it – basically because I can’t tune it worth a shit because I’m always drunk when someone wants me to play it…and tuning a guitar and being drunk are a bad combo, apparently.
Get tough or die! THIS IS CAMP(ing)!
You could do both, technically, though. Get tough, then die.
Good luck out there!!
Kayaking is not as difficult as you think it is. Do it. It’s going to be a special thing to share with your daughter. If you’re really worried, take a lesson first. And wear a PFD.
I once rented a room in CT on the shore of a large pond / small lake. Renting meant permission to use the owner’s boats, which included a rowboat and several kayaks. I had canoed a couple of times as a Girl Scout, and knew how to row, but had not done either in years. I had never been in a kayak before. I figured out paddling on my own, the first time on the water. The only hard part is getting in and out, and that’s because it requires careful attention to the balance of the boat. I am clumsy and frequently trip over thin air. If I can be graceful enough to climb in and out of a kayak, you can do it too. I kayaked often while I lived there. I loved every minute and miss it now that I’ve moved. I even broke ice with my paddle to go out on New Year’s Day. I never, ever capsized. Worst thing that happened to me was dipping one foot in cold water while climbing out onto shore. You can handle wet feet. Even if you manage to flip the boat over, you will be fine. If it scares you, it’s another chance to be brave.
Oh, my god. I hope you guys don’t end up having to PUT THE LOTION IN THE FUCKING BASKET! It’s probably unlikely, but if a guy asks you to help him load a couch into his van, don’t do it. It won’t end well.
Also, I want one of these shirts, but I am a giantess. If it ends up fitting me like a crop-top I’m sending it back covered in dog hair.
Babboo says I snore like a demon spawn, so I’d feel sorry for my camping-stranger-roommates. That and the flatulence 🙂
Everything horrible is blogable. Camping, kayaking, packing up your home and moving with your husband is unmanageable and stubborn and will not follow directions. i have been blogging about that last thing for the past two days.
Sounds like the beginning to a great B-movie. MOTHER AND DAUGHTER WENT ON A CAMPING TRIP. ON A SERENE LAKE IN THE COUNTRYSIDE, THEY DISCOVERED SOMETHING. SOMETHING WORSE THAN SERIAL KILLERS.
My first thought was that you bought a wardrobe, but it makes more sense for you to have bought a taxidermy lion, like Aslan.
Did you buy a bronze lion?
Kayaking? Serial killers? Whatever. As long as there are s’mores.
Anytime I need a chuckle I come here. Thank you Jenny
Reblogged this on Raising a Unique Bean and commented:
One of the funniest blogs ever!!
i confirm my broken-ness by the fact that i’m now in the learning curve for using my power chair. so…the wee service dog digs her nails into my leg and looks at me in fear, and i find out how fast that sucker can go. grins (i’ve only gotten it up to half-speed as yet. As. Yet.) i’m planning on wearing my newly ordered shirt as i go see my granddaughter next month. go you and your wonderful purchases!!
Whatever you do, don’t say “i’ll be right back”
Dear Bloggess, can you please help cheer me up? I had top surgery a week ago after 13 years of suffering and saving/waiting (YAY!) but not my wife is out of town for the weekend, I am sore, on weird painkillers which make me kinda loopy and I keep having scary dreams and shooting bolt upright only to grab my ‘burglar stick’ and groggily wonder why I am so convinced there is an evil monster/serial killer in the house.
I am quietly going loopy and surely at some point I will have to leave the safety of my bed and go pee. Save me from myself?
(There is no serial killer. Promise. I actually have had the flu for 2 days so I’ve been similarly loopy. There are no serial killers in either of our houses. ~ Jenny)
May I post a link here to have signal boosted, or is that not allowed anymore?
(Depends on the link. If it’s something awesome or non-profit it’s fine. If it’s “buy my avon products” then probably not so much unless it’s a post where it’s specifically cool. ~ Jenny)
Now I can finally look cool at the comic book store…
We Soooooo need a “like” button here – you guys are hysterical.
If we buy enough shirts will you get the metal giraffe as well as whatever you already bought? this could be a great motivator.
This shirt is fantastic! I think I’m going to have to paint “Broken and Magical” on the next ceramic dish that I paint. They always end up with some sort of chip in 6 months. This way people will think that it was planned!
Kayaking is awesome. Seriously! I’m speaking of the easy type where you leisurely paddle around a calm lake or slow-moving stream, not the crazy whitewater-rapids kind. It’s totally relaxing, in my opinion. Something that makes me feel a lot less broken and waaaaaay more magical.
Re: the taxidermied lion comment above. I used to work in a museum where we had the front half of a taxidermied lion…. I always wondered who had the back half of it :-/
Camping on a lake with strangers or with stranglers? Just clarifying….
I did the mother/daughter camping trip once…just once. At the end my daughter said thanks mom, can we never do that again. You can check out the sad pictures of me attempting to commune with nature here: http://anunscriptedlife.com/2013/11/02/split-personality-parenting/
I can’t wait to hear how your trip goes. At least you don’t have to assemble your shelter.
OMG, did you get a Mr. Tumnus??!! Because that would be the magicalest!
I love that font… what is it?
Yet, whereas most of these displays grab this paper hearts in most cases the bulk of each of our evenings, they are when wonderful perhaps you might think that.
smart sale https://www.smartselfbalancewheel.com