Don’t yell at me. I’m weak and fragile.

I’ve been sick as a dog for days and this post might not make sense because I’m still dehydrated and loopy.  If it makes you mad you should blame the bad chicken salad I ate.  I know I do.

The difference between men and women:

me: I feel almost human for the first time in 48 hours.

Victor:  Thank goodness.

Me:  And I literally lost two pounds...just by throwing up.

Victor: You sound unsettlingly excited about having had food poisoning.

me: Well, I think maybe that’s the difference between men and women.  Women are more optimistic.  About food poisoning.

Victor:  I think you have a problem.

me:  I did have a problem.  It was severe vomiting.  And it made me lose two pounds.  That’s optimism, Victor.

Victor:  That’s an eating disorder.

me:  It might be both.

 ************

And now, the weekly wrap-up of awesomeness:

madebyroundtablecompanies 2

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:  

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Blue Lizard Australian® Sunscreen. They’re one of the top sunscreens and delivers clinically proven, broad-spectrum UVA and UVB protection in a SPF 30+ formulation. From them: “Our patented BPA-free Smart Bottle™ changes color in the presence of harmful UV rays, reminding you to apply sunscreen.  Baby & Sensitive are paraben-free, chemical-free and fragrance-free. Face is also oil-free and all formulations are mineral-based containing Zinc Oxide. Sport & Regular are extremely water resistant, staying on in 240 minutes of whirlpool water. Blue Lizard is the brand most recommended by pediatricians, dermatologists, pharmacists, and moms nationwide.”  You should buy some lotion and rub it on your skin. Not in a serial killer way.  Just the opposite, in fact.  (Use the code P20BLOGG for 20% off orders over $35.)

84 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Should have come out and ridden the Red Poppy century (hundred mile bike ride) with me yesterday. I was still five pounds lighter AFTER eating two giant cheeseburgers for dinner!

    There’s nothing quite as wonderful as sitting down to a meal that satisfies all three rules of good food (too much fat, too much sugar, and too much sodium) and knowing that you’ve already paid for ALL OF IT.

    (That sounds like a much healthier, smarter and almost as painful way to drop a few pounds. ~ Jenny)

    Like

  2. 2
    ocularnervosa

    I was pretty happy that after a week of food poisoning I had lost 7 pounds but I am an overweight individual so…..

    Like

  3. Sorry to hear you are ill. It’s awful… I had food poisioning the week before I moved out after my split from my ex, and while it was the sickest I’d ever been, I was admittedly happy I lost 7 lbs in 5 days.

    Unfortunately, it didn’t last:/

    Like

    Ann St. Vincent recently posted When Don Draper and I share a moment.

  4. The first thing I thought of when you said you were vomiting for hours was losing weight. Comgrats.

    Like

  5. So glad that you are feeling better and yay for the weight loss.

    Like

    Sin recently posted learning to fly.

  6. Food poisoning is evil. But I agree with your optimistic look at the end. Glad you are feeling better. Hugs!

    Like

  7. The stomach flu was the best diet I ever had. I offer to make out with anyone who gets it, you know, to make them feel better😉

    Like

  8. I could almost say with certainty that my son will never give me that mother’s day card🙂

    Like

  9. I’m in the exact same boat right now. Minus the chicken salad. I’ll weigh myself as soon as I can stand.

    Like

  10. I think finding the silver lining is always good…and two pounds is two pounds. Maybe you could lick my keyboard or something and get my weight loss jump started .

    Like

    Michelle recently posted Listen To Your Mother Rehearsal Curtain Call.

  11. Two pounds lost means more chocolate can be consumed!

    (True story: Last night I was so desperate to stop being sick that I started looking for any cures I might have missed and I read that dark chocolate has flavanoids which help stop some of the symptoms. I took two – medicinal – pieces and I haven’t been physically ill since. ~ Jenny)

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    Cassandra Morgan recently posted A little help please!.

  12. Unfortunately, most of that weight loss is water. However, you have likely gone into ketosis, which is a good start for the Atkins Diet. But this means avoiding sugar and carbohydrates😦
    You can still eat bacon!

    Like

  13. Optimism is looking at a horrible situation and finding the one good point. Puking for days and saying “at least I lost a couple of pounds” IS optimism!

    Like

  14. 14
    Ron Williams

    You might point out the the Blue Lizard folks that it’s impossible for a formulation to be “chemical free” and contain Zinc Oxide. Glad you’re feeling better.

    (Thanks! I thought it was just the “baby” and “sensitive” formulas that were chemical free but I’m not sure. It’s complicated because they offer a bunch of types. I thought zinc oxide was a mineral? No idea. I’ll leave it to the experts to answer. 🙂 ~ Jenny)

    Like

  15. “I’m just one good flu away from the perfect size.” I think that came from The Devil Wears Prada, and probably explains the majority of our first world problems. Sigh

    Glad you’re feeling better.

    Like

    Manicmom recently posted Running is Stupid and Other True Things.

  16. Yeah, how weirdly twisted is it that when we’re recovering from being sick, one of the first up-sides we think of is losing weight? Oy. I have had food poisoning, and it reaaaaaaally sucked. I was on college choir tour, and ended up in the ER b/c I was dehydrated. Consumed mass quantities of orange Gatorade the day after. (Can’t face orange Gatorade to this day.) Glad you’re feeling better!

    Like

  17. I felt almost human back in 1976.
    And like food poisoning, it didn’t last.

    Like

  18. Omg that is awful. I had the exact same thing about a month ago. Except instead of vomiting for 48 hours straight I had diarrhea for 48 hours straight, and aches, and pains, and a cough and sinus pressure and sneezing. So it was less food poisoning, and more the flu, BUT I did lose a few pounds, so I can relate to that part of your story.

    The point is, I’m glad you’re feeling better. I also went to a local actual bookstore in SF yesterday to buy a paperback copy of your book, because I have the e-book but I wanted to, like, feel your book in my hands in a tactile sense, and I told the checkout girl this and she looked at me like I was insane, and I felt like in addition to having another, physical copy of your book I was maybe also experiencing a bit of what it’s like to be you and that made me happy. So we’re basically the same person, is what I’m saying. Drink fluids!

    Like

    jknbs recently posted On writing.

  19. Oh man, food poisoning is the worst. Hope it wasn’t the Blue Bell ice cream! 🙂 Glad you’re feeling better & looking on the bright side!

    (I’m lactose intolerant so the symptoms would have been similar either way. ~ Jenny)

    Like

    The Dusty Parachute recently posted Thank You! But No ‘Thank You’.

  20. I have a serious genetic condition and have lost over 35 lbs in the past 9 months due to my illness. It was weight I didn’t need, and so I have been very happy about it. People don’t understand how I can be happy about it, but of all of the other symptoms I have due to my condition, this is a good one for me to have. It certainly beats the severe chronic pain, mental fog, and heart failure.

    I’m glad you are feeling better.

    Like

  21. I once spent about a week being able to consume only saltines and ginger ale in small doses, and lost 10 pounds. Alas, saltines and ginger ale is not a sustainable diet.

    Like

    Jen Donohue recently posted Something writers should keep in mind.

  22. I have this allergy called Alpha-Gal where I’m allergic to anything that comes from a mammal. So if someone touches a piece of sausage before they give me my eggs, I get really sick. I haven’t had red meat in over two years because it makes me stop breathing. So I feel your food poisoning/lactose intolerant pain. Glad you’re feeling better!

    Like

    Steph recently posted Shit My Family Says to Me, Part 98.

  23. That has to be the best Mother’s day gift ever…. But it would probably scar the relationship between me and my mum, she’s too Christian.

    Like

  24. In defense of Blue Lizard, which is the only sunblock I can use on my face that doesn’t make me break out in a horrible rash, zinc oxide provides a physical block to UVA and UVB rays, where most sunblocks work with a chemical block. For those of us that can’t handle the other stuff, Blue Lizard is worth it’s weight in gold. It is the only way I can go to the beach or be on the water.
    And if we’re nit-picking, water is a chemical compound, too…

    Glad you’re feeling better. Good to know about the chocolate!

    Like

  25. Victor just doesn’t understand the joy of being one stomach flu away from his goal weight.

    Like

    Sean recently posted Social Media Whore.

  26. A few months after I went into recovery, I got food poisoning from a bad cheeseburger, and I called my sponsor between heaves and was all, “HOW DID I USED TO DO THIS EVERY DAY?!” He was surprisingly unsympathetic. Later, I went to Walgreens to get Gatorade and fainted in the checkout line. Somebody called the paramedics, who barged in, took my blood pressure, and very kindly asked me how drunk I was. But on the bright side, they introduced me to Pedialyte which is the nectar of the Gods and honestly would’ve made an awesome mixer.

    Like

    Sweeney J. recently posted I Just Need a Pentagram Rug to Really Tie the Room Together.

  27. I am currently treating my flu-like symptoms with peanut butter and jelly, so I’m going to have very different results.
    I’m also currently writing a 4000 word essay on “Why was segregation so durable,” and I sincerely have no idea how the tutor figured “because people are assholes” can be said in 4000 words, nor why would that be a good way to spend my time.

    Like

    Gabriela (@cluelesspixie) recently posted literary listings: abysmal authorities (fiction).

  28. I’m so glad you are feeling better. Food poisoning is the worst, and I get migraines.

    Like

  29. Holy shit, this reminded me immensely of the time I went to Bali and got food poisoning in the middle of the night. The contents of my stomach went out both ways (you probably do not need to know that). It was… an experience. Then, still very sick and dehydrated, stubbornly went to snorkel, followed by an hour’s worth of very rocky boat ride, 4 hours in the jeep and 2 hours on a plane. I was solo and had to carry my backpack throughout the whole thing.

    Don’t you just hate it when the one good thing that happened (the weight loss) comes right back by the end of the week?

    Like

  30. At least it wasn’t alcohol poisoning. That’s not a very fun way to lose weight.

    Like

  31. Best diet I ever had was a parasite from Mexico! Victor does know dieting.

    Like

    Kristine @ MumRevised recently posted Why I Would Rather Be a Dance Mum Than a Hockey Mum.

  32. This is uncanny. My co-worker was just joking about getting food poisoning to lose 10 pounds. And then, she’d gain it right back.

    Like

    yangjanice recently posted Work Week Mornings.

  33. I’ve considered having a tape worn. They actually do that! The only down side is I’m pretty sure they can eat away at your brain. I figure I can deal with a little less brain if I could loose a few pounds.

    Like

    Bekki recently posted I’m a damn Saint.

  34. Glad you are getting better AND lost weight!! I’m curious as to how the blue lizard is ‘Australian sunscreen’? Not made in Australia, not SOLD in Australia, don’t ship to Australia. Only way is that they are possibly making it to Australian standards.
    Also, anything in this world which has anything in it has chemicals, so it makes no sense to call something ‘chemical free’. It’s all about which chemicals it is free from!

    Like

  35. I had a stomach bug for a week. I’d lost 10 pounds by not being able to eat or basically move for 6 days. When I returned to work the following week my boss said I looked great and maybe it would be good if I got a bug like that more often. -_-

    Like

  36. Stomach ailments are the worst. Water doesn’t stay down and you can’t trust a simple fart.

    Like

    Sandy the Fearless Scribe recently posted Signs to make you laugh.

  37. “I was so lucky getting mono. That was like the best diet ever.” –Romy

    Hope you’re feeling better! And I hear you on the lactose intolerance. I use ice cream as a laxative myself. It’s just as uncomfortable as ExLax, but hey it tastes great! Optimism. 🙂

    Like

    Annie McKinnon recently posted Short Story Saturday: Change Diapers.

  38. I’m currently on my eleventh consecutive day of food poisoning symptoms. I feel both your former pain and current weight-loss joy (though I’m pretty sure all my “weight loss” is just temporary dehydration. Lame).

    On the plus side, since I have to eat something to survive, I’m just going to eat cupcakes until I’m better. Not like they’re gettin’ metabolized anyway!

    Like

  39. Urgh😦 Also had food poisoning recently, it was horrendous but I did lose 3 pounds (although mainly from the opposite end to vomiting…) and so while outwardly milking all of the sympathy I could from my partner I was secretly super excited to be losing weight. I get where you’re coming from completely!

    Like

  40. I hope you feel normal soon and can lose weight without vomiting.

    Like

    Gary Lum recently posted Crab bacon sandwich.

  41. I lost 7 lbs in a week on the Intestinal Parasites diet – ask me how!
    And I’m so glad that I’m not the only woman to think like that

    Like

  42. 42
    wombatcentral

    Oh noez! Wasn’t this camping weekend? Glad you’re feeling better. Chocolate fixes everything. Well, except my GERD. It really lights that shit on fire.

    (It was camping weekend so we had to cancel, but to make up for it we camped in front of the TV for an all-night Gravity Falls marathon. ~ Jenny)

    Like

  43. I love the squirrel magnets. The only accessory that’s missing is a flag. You know those little utility flags? A few weeks ago I saw a squirrel standing by the side of the road holding one of those flags; it was like he was watching a parade. I was like, “That is so freakin’ adorable”. Then I realized that it was actually just a beige plastic bag wrapped around the base of the utility flag. So that was kind of disappointing. The the magnets are still awesome!

    Like

  44. I managed to get food poisoning on the first night of a camping trip, so that was pretty grim. My main thought at the end of this post, however, was “do blue lizards really need sunscreen?”.

    Like

  45. 45
    Sillymagpie

    After being in the hospital for a couple of weeks for a really complicated gallbladder surgery, I was excited because I had lost 10 pounds.

    Like

  46. Prep for a colonoscopy is another horrible/optimistic way to lose weight. My husband kept the photos of his colon pinned to his bulletin board, which I think is another difference between men and women. (He also kept the pictures of the inside of my bladder.)

    Like

    Janet Coburn recently posted A Field Guide to Jerk Boys.

  47. Couldn’t resist… Hubby has me hooked on this awesome song. And in his words “it’s certainly not a “listen to it with the windows down” type song.”
    Enjoy! http://youtu.be/tDgS6qLsVM4

    Like

  48. Maybe you’re actually evolving into a new form of super-being?
    One that can do all kinds of cool things like communicate telepathically with lower lifeforms like mice or the Kardashians?
    Or maybe not.

    Like

    The Hook recently posted Overheard In The Hallway….

  49. Food poisoning is the closest I ever get to my IDEAL weight!!!

    Like

  50. Oh boo that sucks! But you’re totally right about the optimism thing. I’ve had a bronchitis-like cold and have been hacking up a lung all week, and I told my dude that by the time we go on vacation next week I’ll have great abs!
    Yay, optimism!

    Like

  51. Glad you are on the mend. I had the same at the one real vacation I have every year. Three days with my friends, quilting. More fun than one might think. Best and only good part..every time I woke up there was a pile of saltines, fresh ice and ginger ale, And the hotel staff cleaned the room. (I tipped big) As I got better the chicken soup started to arrive. There is nothing like a bunch of housewives taking care of their fallen comrade.

    Like

  52. Was this just a ploy to get out of camping? Glad you’re feeling better and congrats on the weight loss!

    Like

  53. If I wanted Always be a Harold, from your store as a mug? Is there a way to make that happen?
    Thank you

    Like

  54. So glad you’re feeling better! Vomiting is the worst — or maybe it’s the nausea — vomiting usually helps for a minute or two, at least.

    Enjoy your weight loss, and don’t do what I did after I recovered from a grim intestinal illness that resulted in a 15-pound weight loss. For 10 days I couldn’t eat anything, and from there went for about a month being able to eat only pho broth and rice noodles. The weight kept falling off, and I was so freaked out that I somehow convinced myself that I was going to starve or my hair would fall out of something if I didn’t eat whatever I wanted as soon as I could stomach it. And so I did.
    Needless to say I gained back all 15 pounds, and they brought friends. But my hair looks fabulous. Yay Optimism!

    Like

  55. When I had food poisoning I was in a hotel. At three am I vomited all over myself, tried to rush to the bathroom and only ended up vomiting over every surface in the hotel room. I called and Someone from the desk came and helped me move to another room. He wanted to call an ambulance but I was in Canada, and didn’t want to deal with that paperwork alone. A passerby came and was a first responder and she helped convince the night clerk that I should be okay because all the food poison was covering my other room. I spent the next day in bed and then doing laundry so that I didn’t have vomit infused items in my suitcase. Didn’t have to attend any of the rest of the conference. I couldn’t tell if I lost any weight because it was Canada, so I vomited kilos instead of pounds. The metric system isn’t actually compatible with whatever it is we use. Just ask any mechanic.

    Like

  56. I use food poisoning to kick start a diet. Totally female thing to do. My husband doesn’t get it either. Silly men.

    Like

  57. I called gallbladder disease “involuntary bulimia” until my doctor finally gave it a real name. Then I had surgery, and it went away, but not before I threw up some lesser organs, possibly my lungs and chunks of my spinal column.

    Like

    Laura Beutler recently posted Fox Mulder, Solve This..

  58. Friend of mine caught dysentery while deployed to Iraq. Lost fifty pounds and change. He found them though, when he got home.

    Like

  59. Reblogged this on G H R I M and commented:

    Doing it the hard way…

    Like

  60. Back in my twenties I got this really nasty sinus infection, had it for a couple weeks. Some guy at work told me I looked awful and looked like I had lost some weight. I was all like Really? I look like I lost weight? Who cares if I looked like s***. And the card is hilarious, Jenny. 🙂

    Like

    kdcol recently posted Free clutter!.

  61. It is the only plus side to a flu/food poisoning. You are just making some really weird lemonade.

    Like

  62. 62
    kathi wright

    if you dress up a squirrel, you will feel better for a good long while. I just had to buy 3 sets of squirrel fun….enough to share…..

    Like

  63. Yuk, food poisoning is the worst. No actually, worse than that would be giving food plague to other people because they came over to try your cooking. So, you didn’t take anyone else down with you, so that’s an upside too?

    Like

  64. Jenny, to respond to the question asked elsewhere, it is not really a selling thing, it is more that I am terrified of becoming homeless, so I am desperately trying to link my drive anywhere I can. If the link is not okay to link, then feel free to delete. It’s your blog, after all, and I don’t want to put anyone out.

    http://www.youcaring.com/other/help-me-with-my-eviction/343054/

    Like

  65. As I get older, I notice more than foods I like seem to make me sick. Or…go inside the ladies chamber more often.

    This sucks. I want my cheese pizza!

    Like

  66. May | April 26, 2015 at 3:32 pm Comment 44
    I managed to get food poisoning on the first night of a camping trip, so that was pretty grim. My main thought at the end of this post, however, was “do blue lizards really need sunscreen?”.

    Ha! My first thought was ‘How did they know blue lizards prefer to read Jenny’s Blog? Very specific marketing.’ Ah, Jenny’s tribe. Twisted in all the right ways.

    Like

  67. A friend of mine sent me a photo of her stomach after she’d been sick for a few days. I responded with, is it wrong that I’m a little jealous of your virus? We agreed it was wrong, but we are women and we all have those moments.

    Like

    AmberLynn Pappas recently posted A Mom Post.

  68. I’m so sorry you’ve been sick! But also glad I’m not the only one who gets all excited about “sick” weight loss. Unlike Victor, my husband gets excited about it too. And he gets food poisoning more often – that man has no respectful fear of Taco Bell or Mexican food trucks.

    Like

    Rebecca S recently posted AM News Update.

  69. This totally cracked me up because I was also sick this weekend w/ fun stomach ickiness and the first thing I did this morning was weigh myself to see what I lost!!😉 Hope you’re feeling better!

    Like

  70. I guess I’m a femininely optimistic guy, because I also thought of losing weight. And then I thought of the guy I used to know who talked about what a pleasant experience throwing up can be.

    I prefer not to think about that. If throwing up became enjoyable I’d be too tempted to use it as a way to lose weight.

    Like

  71. Glad you’re feeling better. Since everyone’s sharing, I once caught a bug that involved both ends and I lost an amazing ten pounds in three days. Yes, I was happy about it. Weak, but happy.

    And about those squirrel magnets in your shop, I can’t decide which I like best, the Zorro squirrel costume, or the samurai squirrel costume. It’s a tossup (ooohh, sorry, was that an inadvertent barf pun? too soon?)

    Like

    Nooce recently posted Cover Reveal, The Rooftop Inventor.

  72. Ha ha ha ha. I got comment number 69!

    Like

  73. I love your mother’s day card, but could you make one about babies who sprang from the mother’s stomach’s? That would be fantastic. Since my baby was ripped from mine, and not my vagina. Unfortunately? Or fortunately. I am not sure yet.

    Like

  74. I love your mother’s day card… but could you make one about babies who were sprung from their mother’s stomach’s? Mine was ripped from mine, not my vagina. Unfortunately? Or fortunately. I am not sure yet.

    Like

  75. My senior year of high school I got food poisoning from raw cookie dough (not that I let that stop me from eating it but anyway…). I got so hungry I willing ate an apple, which I normally hate and it was a big mistake anyway. At the end of the illness I had lost 10 lbs and my mother and then boyfriend/now husband commented that I looked great and should try to stay that weight. I was so crazy hungry and so ticked off…

    Like

  76. I actually love a good bout of food poisoning. It’s like doing a juice cleanse except you don’t have to drink all the stinky juice. I also feel very ripped off if I’ve been vomiting for days and I DON’T lose weight. What’s the point in that?

    Like

  77. I’ve been sick today though I’m not entirely sure if it was food poisoning or a virus. All I know is one should not pee from their butt and it’s awful.

    Like

  78. I think most women agree that one of the fringe benefits of an illness that makes you barf is weight loss, even if they won’t admit it. A couple of years ago, I got this horrible infection in my stomach…corkscrew shaped bacteria were burrowing into the lining of my stomach. Little fuckers. Just thinking about it makes me throw up in my mouth a little. I couldn’t keep food down for a MONTH. But guess what? After several weeks of taking handfuls of antibiotics that made me even sicker, I had lost 20lbs. In a month. At 36, it takes me 3 months of complete deprivation to lose 2 pounds. I hadn’t been that weight since high school. I took it as a win. And a damn good one.

    Like

    Megan Premo recently posted Help Me Kill My Husband’s Cat.

  79. What’s the deal with the suntan lotion?

    Like

  80. my grandma has that squirrel on her fridge…

    Like

  81. My best friend always says, “I’m just one stomach flu away from my ideal weight.”

    Like

  82. Horray for barfing weight loss! It’s been making it’s way around my neighborhood and it’s just a matter of time before our entire family gets it!

    Like

  83. I have the dress-up-your-squirrel magnets! They live on the filing cabinet next to my desk at work, and they are wonderful. (Though not quite magnetic enough at times — you can’t really layer them as much as you might hope. But still — squirrel!)

    ((I also have squirrel-themed magnetic poetry, on that same filing cabinet. These things are just a small part of my Work Squirrel collection — what, you don’t have Work Squirrels and Home Squirrels? — and were both gifts from different co-workers. You can never have enough squirrel-related things stuck to your filing cabinets, is what I’m getting at.))

    Like

  84. As a feminist I feel like this shouldn’t be my go-to reaction but imagining that I might have lost weight does cheer me up whenever I’m particularly sick.

    Like

    recently posted REVIEW of Zoya Lacquer in Kristen With SWATCHES.

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