All I want for Mother’s Day is Herbert and his two front teeth.

me: For Mother’s Day this year I want this teddy bear.  Or rabbit, maybe?  It has teeth and it’s adorable.

uncanny creatures

Via UncannyCreatures on Etsy.

Victor:  I…don’t think I want that in the house.

me:  It’s tiny and under $40.  Plus, I’m pretty sure you can’t say no to me on Mother’s Day.  I made a human out of my body.

Victor: Well I helped.

me:  Barely.

Victor:  EXCUSE ME?  Millions of my replicants were destroyed in the process of making our child.

me: “Replicants”?

Victor:  Yep. And I better get something awesome for Father’s Day. It’s like Remembrance Day for the millions of replicants who didn’t make it.

me: Oh Jesus.

Victor:  Never forget, Jenny.

me:  Well, I can’t now.

PS.  Vaguely related: Happy Mother’s Day to my mom who is the greatest woman I’ve ever met, and Happy Mother’s Day to my daughter because she’s the one who made me a mother.  And high-five to anyone who has weird, conflicting  or shitty feelings about Mother’s Day and wishes it would all go away.  Go get yourself a kitten and a waffle.  You deserve it.  Get me some too while you’re at it.

************

And now, the weekly wrap-up of awesomeness:

sid

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Darcy Perdu, award-winning humorist who loves to share her bodacious blunders and amazing adventures at SoThenStories.com. She’ll gleefully tell you about the Baby Book Debacle  – the hilarious reason her friend’s husband is mad at her, and why some people think she’s raising her daughter to be a stripper.  You can subscribe to her blog right here so you don’t miss a second.

82 replies. read them below or add one

  1. A kitten and a waffle, or a stick of butter and a beer – whatever floats your boat. Happy mom’s day!

    Like

    Manicmom recently posted Baby Daddy and the Sitter Dog.

  2. 2
    ocularnervosa

    He doesn’t look evil, just misunderstood.

    Like

  3. I love that Victor refers to his sperm as “replicants”🙂

    Like

  4. Maybe there should be a “Tomb of the Unknown Replicant” for Victor, but I’m thinking it would be so small as to be microscopic.

    Happy Mother’s Day, Jenny. Ya did good.

    Like

    TexasTrailerParkTrash recently posted This Always Cracks Me Up.

  5. All I want for Mother’s Day is to get Herbert out of my head. That and an emerald ring.

    Like

    notquiteold recently posted Happy Mother’s Day!.

  6. Happy Mother’s Day!! My son is with my ex and his girlfriend, this would have been my 12th wedding anniversary, and I was alone in my bed this morning. I think I need Herbert.

    Like

    Ann St. Vincent recently posted OH COME ON, life. Cut me some f*cking slack..

  7. This conversation explains why you & Victor work as a couple!

    Like

  8. We may be getting a Wallaby for Mother’s Day but no where near as cute as the teddy bunny.

    Like

  9. For me, spending today with Mother Nature takes some of the sting out of having an absent mom.
    Cherish what you can.

    Like

  10. No, That scares me. Make it stop. HALP HALP.

    Like

    itzybellababy recently posted Weirdest Parenting Advice.

  11. 11
    Stacy Franks

    It sounds like Victor has finally figured out how to properly argue with you.

    Like

  12. I need those lobster claws. Thank you for that.

    Like

  13. Happy Mom’s Day, Jenny.
    I know you’ve had your ups and downs lately, but you’re a survivor – and a kick-ass scribe.
    All the best.

    Like

  14. Haha, thanks to Victor, now Mother’s Day is about birth and death…but then, isn’t everything…

    Like

    yangjanice recently posted [TBT] A Photo Story for James: Hippo Adventures.

  15. 15
    Pointyhat :D

    Thanks for the conflicted/shitty emotions blurb. Needed that.🙂

    Like

  16. Oh, lawdy! I eat ALL cakes. ALL CAKES.
    But THOSE cakes? I dunno…maybe with a blindfold…?
    Feeling conflicted.
    But also feeling hungry for cake.

    Like

  17. Herbert looks possessed. Like I would expect weird stuff to start happening after bringing him into a home.

    Like

  18. I can honestly say I would never want Herbert any time of year, ever. Happy Mother’s Day.

    Like

    Sheila Blanchette recently posted LONG MAY YOU RUN.

  19. Happy Mother’s Day to Jenny and all the other RBVs* out there.

    *Replicant-Bearing Vessels

    Like

    Dave B. (@BuckyKatt) recently posted Is Your Late-Night Screen Time Keeping You From Sleeping?.

  20. Thank you for this post to lighten the mood on what for many is a very complicated and emotional day. Shared with others who are hiding under the covers with their cats & engaging is excessive retail therapy & such. Whatever it takes. So happy you’re coming to my city for your book tour!!!

    Alison

    Like

  21. 21
    alisonmarriott

    Whoops! Meant to leave this link in case it might help anyone else. Wine, food, friends & grieving: http://bonvivantdc.com/and-so-it-goes/

    Like

  22. 22
    Carol Anne Fusco

    Happy Mother’s Day, Jenny. Thanks for honoring all of us. You are such a gift.

    Like

  23. Thanks for the highfive and best summation of this tricky holiday for me. Off to find a kitten and a waffle.

    Like

  24. If I’m super emotional, can I have many kittens and several waffles? I’ll share with you, of course!

    Like

    Rachel recently posted Z is for Zoinks!.

  25. Haha. Victor fights dirty!
    Happy Mother’s Day, Jenny.

    Like

    Gabriela (@cluelesspixie) recently posted literary listings: abysmal authorities (fiction).

  26. ya know damn…if you can’t have the f’n giant giraffe, this is the only logical choice. and now with the possibly trauma based “memory” that your beloved freely gave you, I say foot the bill for Giraffe Victor and the damn biting brown fur ball.

    Like

    totherapynback recently posted LOVE TO ALL THE MAMMALS.

  27. I think that every woman in America wishes they had a Victor in the house – he is made of awesome.

    Like

  28. If Chucky and a chocolate Easter bunny had a kid, I think this is what it would look like

    Like

  29. My “Victor” (after I read this exchange to him): We honor our fallen heroes, Victor.
    Me: Dude, we decided not to have kids decades ago.
    My “Victor”: Well, yeah, so ALL of my replicants have fallen. I want some kind of memorial.
    Me: Oh Jesus.

    Happy Mom’s Day to moms of two-leggers and four-leggers alike! If this day brings on the dementors, arm yourself with chocolate and practice random acts of self-care.

    Like

  30. 30
    Lady Bird-Brain

    Haha! Reminds me of that scene out of Bicentennial Man.
    Robin Williams: “What happens to the rest?”
    Other guy: “They die.”
    Robin Williams: “That’s so sad.”

    Like

  31. Victor is awesome! There I said it😀

    Like

    Gary Lum recently posted Delicious baked salmon.

  32. This is fabulous… I can’t help but wonder what you are going to present Victor with for Father’s Day? Perhaps a flag for his fallen soldiers?

    Like

  33. Cut to Graham Chapmam yelling “RUN AWAY!!!”

    Like

  34. 34
    Jensownzoo

    “…instantly make you more lobstery…”

    Like

  35. Now that I commented on Darcy’s to be a stripper post, I’m afraid, very afraid, that I may get a job as a stripper. Do they still hire 52 year olds? I’d definitely need to wear an underwire bra to support my aging girls. Gravity is a bitch.

    Like

  36. that victor is a very wise guy. replicants indeed. remembrance day indeed.
    Oh, and Happy Mother’s Day, Jenny!

    Like

  37. The rabbit is creepy.

    Like

    Michelle recently posted Move Over Gwyneth, I Got Your 29.00 Right Here.

  38. Darcy Perdu is oh so awesome.

    Like

    Cary Vaughn recently posted If I Die In A Home Invasion.

  39. I have conflicted feelings about today, which is why my therapist sent my mom a card saying “Thanks for my new car!”

    Like

  40. Tiny, evil and cute. Like one of my kids.:)

    Like

  41. And this is one of those times we all remember Victor is just as weird as Jenny. Best match ever.

    Like

  42. I just reread your linked Mother’s Day post and as a childless by choice woman I feel the need to thank you and send all kinds of virtual hugs. This is the third year in a row that I’ve read that post and I feel like it hits me in a new way every year. This year has been a particularly tough Mother’s Day for me and I really needed it in a different way than I have in the past. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And all of the hugs.

    Like

  43. You know the urban myth kids tell each other that, if you cross your eyes and someone slaps you on the back, your eyes will stay that way forever? Herbert sort of looks like that happened to him, and is the proof that this person is looking for on Yahoo Answers: http://tinyurl.com/kgdx47z

    He also looks like, if you duct taped a broom handle to him, he’d be great at getting cobwebs off of the ceiling.

    Like

  44. Thank you so much for acknowledging that not everybody had, or is, Mother-Of -The -Year.
    There is no day for us, and really, nobody wants to hear us whine about it anymore. You are fortunate and your daughter is, too. That, BTW, is not a coincidence. Thank you for being who you are.

    Like

  45. Thank you for the shout out to those of us for whom Mother’s Day just dredges up a lot of crap we’d rather forget. I’m substituting wine for the waffle and my dog for the kitten, but I figured you’d be okay with that.

    Like

  46. I hope you bought Herbert. Then you can show your dad, “Look what I taxidermied!” and make him crazy with jealousy!

    Like

  47. 47
    Lady Macbeth

    I think Herbert would allow Victor to “never forget.”

    Like

  48. 48
    jeannette

    Thank you for acknowlaging the fact that mother’s day isn’t a happy holiday for everyone. Despite the fact that I never made a child with my body nor with legal papers but there’s a special little girl whose own mother doesn’t deserve the title and makes me feel like a mother every time she’s in my care.

    Like

  49. herbert looks disturbing but I can’t stop looking at it…I’m intrigued

    Like

    deliriouspancake recently posted The first published crap.

  50. Somehow I first left off the “and a” and read get yourself a kitten waffle. Lol!!! I will!!!

    Like

  51. Victor should be reminded that you too have sacrificed many replicants, on a more or less monthly basis, and I’m pretty sure it hasn’t been as enjoyable as the sacrifices he’s made. In fact I’m sure he’s sacrificed many replicants even without your help, or anyone else’s.

    Yes, this is getting disturbing, but I’ve purposely created an opportunity to tell you something you won’t hear because you only have a single child: HE STARTED IT!

    Like

    Christopher recently posted Some People Just Look Like That..

  52. I hope that you got Herbert. Thank you for the link to your 2013 post, mother’s day can be a bitch.

    Like

    Kattie recently posted Risks can be worth it.

  53. It’s one of those it’s so ugly it’s cute kind of things. I get it. And I’ve got to get my claws on those lobster claws. I don’t know if I have anything to wear with them though.

    Like

    kdcol recently posted The formal finale.

  54. My mother wasn’t a warm, hugging kind of Mom, but on this first Mother’s Day without her, I miss her very much. Thank you for the humor and kudos to Victor for the replicants imagery.

    Like

    Sue recently posted My sister's cat can sleep anywhere.

  55. thank you for the link to your 2013 post… so good to remember this… not just on mother’s day either.
    RIP sperm…um, i mean replicants, you fought a tough fight. too funny!

    Like

    jennifer niles recently posted guilt of a nimby.

  56. Shortly after my brother got married, my mom started demanding grandchildren, and my brother was all, “Well, I’m doing my part.” My mom thought that was hilarious and repeated it to anyone who would listen, which is why so many random strangers know when my brother has sex. Thanks for keeping the world updated, Mom.

    Like

    Sweeney J. recently posted You Say “Stalker”; I Say “Devotee”.

  57. “Replicants were destroyed”. I think you may just be rubbing off on Victor… ^_^

    Like

  58. I think I have a soft spot for odd looking things. I really want that animal. Or a collection of them. I find them adorable.

    Like

    Danielle recently posted Date Night Hockey Game.

  59. To: TexasTrailerParkTrash…Or it could be a microscope! (The tomb that is.)

    Like

  60. I just finished, lets pretend it didnt happen and I cried. U unlocked my mind of everything that i thought i had to hide. I will never hide my creativity again cuz if they dont like it,,,, Uck them. Thank you Jenny !!!!!!

    Like

  61. Gotta say, I’m taking Victor’s side on this one (about the bunny head….not his replicants….you win on that one.)

    Like

    The Dusty Parachute recently posted Apologies I Owe My Mom – The Scooter.

  62. I so love Victor. If I weren’t a man, I’d want to have his replicants. You lucky woman, you.

    Like

  63. I believe that what most ‘replicants’ REALLY look like. A wonder any of us make to it to Motherhood.

    Like

  64. I was just checking the Etsy shop and Herbert is still for sale! There’s only one available! You need to hurry and buy him before it’s too late! How many exclamation points can I possibly use in one post!

    Like

  65. So it’s the teeth that make it so scary. Nightmarish. I think you’ve got to give Victor a pass on this one so he does not wake up screaming in the middle of the night for months to come:).

    Like

    candidkay recently posted Motherhood and apple pie.

  66. 66
    Fabukabalabash

    He is cousin to Matt Groening’s denizens of Life in Hell.

    Like

  67. I can’t wait to see what V gets for Replicants’ Remembrance Day. Will you please make some cards for that? Oh, and maybe a sympathy card for after sex, letting him know you’re sorry for his loss of so many replicants.

    Liked by 1 person

  68. 68
    Anonymous

    I’ve been following your blog for a couple of years now. The first entry I read was when you brought Beartrum home, and I was hooked. Hopefully I’m not being presumptuous, but I was wondering if there’s a way to send you a private message or email. My hope is that you might have some advice for me. I don’t know if you even read comments this far down, but I couldn’t find another way to ask, except Facebook which would be a public post and… You understand.

    (Jenny@thebloggess.com is your best bet although I suck at email. I get overwhelmed and run away a lot. ~ Jenny)

    Like

  69. Line from THE GOLDEN GIRLS (re: daughter going to a sperm bank):
    “You have to pahy for sperm now? I remember when sperm was free! Hell it was EVERYWHERE!” amen

    Like

  70. Is that thing made out of human hair????? Awesome AND creepy.

    Like

  71. Happy mother’s day, but it’s not very funny to joke lightheartedly about genocide.

    (Thanks! You should probably stop reading now. ~ Jenny)

    Like

  72. I’m afraid I have to side with Victor on this one. That creature looks like the love child between Miss Piggy and Chewbacca from Star Wars.

    Like

    Musings, Rants & Scribbles recently posted The 6 Most Shocking Things about Having Adult Sons....

  73. I think it’s kind of creepy. You should get this giant cat head instead: http://twistedsifter.com/2015/04/giant-cat-head-you-can-wear-like-mask/

    Like

  74. That’s a review to be proud of at Kirkus. I didn’t know about the rheumatoid arthritis. The most spiritual (I mean that in the good way, not the silly way) woman I ever knew, a woman who was like a guide to others, also suffered from that. I wonder if there’s any connection between the illness and the gift. (I don’t intend that in a cheerful way, just wondering.)

    Like

  75. Dammit – now I want a kitten to hold while I eat my waffles…:/

    Like

  76. 78
    Princess Judy

    If you think Herbert is evil, you haven’t met my mother!

    Like

  77. I have to say, I’m a huge fan. But it is still nice to see Victor win (somewhat) once in a blue moon.😉

    Like

  78. 80
    physicsmom

    I think Herbert is adorable. I hope Victor went for it. If you want to use the lobster claws a gloves, I’d suggest that you buy two of the lobster claw oven mitts. They’re $7.99 a piece so two of them is still cheaper than the original, plus they are likely to be much warmer. Hope you had a great mothers day celebration.

    Like

  79. Victor gets points for this one. I can not let my Chris see the replicant comment or I will be so screwed. I think if you took the Victor stories and comments and regrouped them in their own book you could market to a whole knew audience in the romance genre because there is serious love here. And that way you can do a signing booth at the RT convention next year. On a side note do you still have the giant metal chicken you bought just for him?

    Like

  80. I hate to sa it but he has a point.
    You win this one Victor.
    Just this time.
    … As an early father’s day gift.

    Like

    Amy M recently posted 10 Things.

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