Eels up inside ya. Finding and entrance where they can.

in Random Crap

So last night was bleak for me.  Two people I adore are in a coma.  Another is in the hospital.  Another passed away.  Everything in the news makes me want to punch people.  My allergies are horrible and I don’t know if that’s what’s keeping me in bed or if it’s a touch of depression.   I’m not sure if I like my new glasses.  A lizard bit me.  It probably goes without saying that some of these problems are less important than others but they all seem to build up to a feeling of hopelessness and dread and anger that I’m too tired to vent, so instead of venting I’m restructuring.  My head.

I’m avoiding the news.  I’m thinking only positive, healing thoughts for friends and family who are struggling.  I’m reminding myself that feeling miserable and terrified does not help anyone and would be the last thing that any of the people I’m worried about or sad about would want.

I’m not focused enough to write a real post so instead I’m going to share a bunch of shit that makes me happy but that isn’t worth a whole post.  And if you like it you can share something that makes you happy.  And that’s how the world goes around.

My husband’s Facebook page this morning:

eels

*****

I pass this giant man almost every day.  I don’t know what he’s supposed to be holding.  Invisible iguana?  Delicious turkey leg?  Machete to slice up assholes?  Perhaps he’s in the middle of a three-way with two invisible people?  Half of him is all “I know kung-fu.  Come at me bro” and the other half is pouring out a 40 for his homies.  It’s times like these that I wish I knew photoshop.

Is he supposed to look menacing? Because that's what I'm getting from him.
Is he supposed to look menacing? Because that’s what I’m getting from him.

*******

Last month everyone was sharing pictures from this website that let you combine you and your partners faces to see what your baby would look like so I decided to see what it would look like if my cats had a baby and that’s how I found out that this website is a lie.

I named him "Little Bloopy" because he looks a bit bloopy. Don't know why I'm having to explain this.
I named him “Little Bloopy” because he looks a bit bloopy. Don’t know why I’m having to explain this.

*****

This showed up on my amazon page and I felt a bit insulted but then I realized that I really do want that unicorn mask.  Touché, Amazon.

Why is the guy in the fish mask wearing a business suit? Victor says the real question is "Why is the guy in the business suit wearing a fish mask." We're going to have to agree to disagree.
Why is the guy in the fish mask wearing a business suit? Victor says the real question is “Why is the guy in the business suit wearing a fish mask.” We’re going to have to agree to disagree.

The cats on the left are looking at me like, “You brought this on yourself really.  Look at your life.  Look at your choices.”

******

Hunter S. Thomcat stole my shoes.

bloggessslippers

Your turn.  Make me smile.  Pretty please?

355 thoughts on “Eels up inside ya. Finding and entrance where they can.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. I’m so sorry to hear about the lizard biting you. Oh, I mean – and this is sincere – I’m sorry about the people you adore being in comas. That’s terrible. The rest of that shit made me smile and giggle so thank you for passing on the happiness. Sometimes that’s all we can do when we are having an otherwise miserable time.

  3. I want to say “baseball bat”. The creepy man is holding a baseball bat.

    But his expression is faintly menacing, so I think he is holding a baseball bat to beat up people with. Or he’s frozen in a perpetual “slapping baseball bat menacingly on palm” pose?

  4. Why is the guy in the fish mask wearing a business suit?

    It’s Dress Like Jar-Jar Binks Day at work, and this was the best he could do.

  5. Someone I adore is also in a coma. I’m having friends send pictures of baby goats. And eating cookies for lunch.

  6. After a conversation last night, I am now obsessed with trying to decide if I have a fat tongue.

  9. When I need to smile I listen to the song “Light and Day (Reach for the Sun)” by the Polyphonic Spree.

  12. According to my daughter, I lack the very important drive-thru etiquette that all moms are supposed to possess. So, in response to her utter disapproval, I instead have decided to rhyme my order the next time like this: “Can I have Timbits in a box with a fox wearing sox? I do not like green tea and jam, I do not like that Swiss cheese and ham. Can I get a coffee please? Make that two with cream, no cheese.” Hope you smiled… 🙂

  13. Oh my gosh, Jenny – I’m SO sorry so many of your loved ones are in crisis right now. Sending hugs!!


  14. These are my hounds doing their “Family Feud” pose. 🙂


    Here they are begging for cheese.


    And here’s my mom, teaching her puppy the internet. Cause puppies need that information these days.

    My girls make me smile more than anything else these days so I hope they make you smile too.

  15. I am super sad because I don’t have a picture of this, but my old neighbor has that unicorn mask. Every Halloween we’d all set up out front of our townhouses, light a fire pit, and drink while we handed out candy. He did so in the unicorn mask. Watching him drink a beer in it was absolutely priceless.

  16. That is no ordinary fish in a suit – that is Business Fish! (He’s one of my favorite Facebook sticker characters)

    That sentence in parentheses proves that my husband is probably right – I rely too much on the Facebook stickers to communicate my emotions.

  18. So yea how about you go ahead and listen to Anna Nalick’s song “Shine” and then maybe venture over to more of her songs. Most people know “Breathe” but rough days also call for the darker ones too.. Lullaby singer, knots, catalyst, wreck of the day, in my head, California song, break me open, and personally her song Scars is brilliant if you’re in a dark place I reccomend one of her live performances with the backstory. 🙂

    Xoxo

  19. i’d like to be able to tell someone to “sit your shiny whiney hiney down” but i’ve not had the opportunity. mostly because i feel like unless i know for sure that their hiney is shiny, it’d be hyperbole.

  20. A friend from college passed away, and I hadn’t even realized that he’d moved to my town before doing so. Other friends are losing their minds and wigging out on anti-choice insanity. And it’s getting hotter by the day. On the upside, Victor is right, and my wife and I get to go riding this afternoon. So, there’s that.

  23. Love ya, Jenny! I’ll email you a picture of my cat in a box, in a box.

  30. Was it a radioactive lizard? because that could be cool… or terrifying. Depending I guess if you read marvel or dc.
    I’ve been feeling bleh for the past few days too, so you aren’t alone there. Well, you are alone as far as being lizard bitten goes. I haven’t been lizard bitten for ages. Well, for at least one age anyway.
    Things get better. Unless you were bitten by a radioactive lizard.

  31. I’m sorry, I stopped reading at SEX MUCUS. Not to be confused with “sexy mucus” because that’s a whole other thing and only happens when…yeah, that would probably be TMI. Also the giant guy is clearly meant to be holding a club or tire iron that he’s tapping on his open palm, waiting for people to walk by and whack them on the head.
    Which is sort of cool and reminds me of the Paul Bunyan statue in the book “It”.
    I would like to be a giant and also whack people on the head. Currently I can do only one of those things at a time.
    Also I invite you to LOOK AT THIS PICTURE. It makes me smile every time I see it. That may be because it’s my kid. LOOK AT IT AND SEE WHAT HE DID. https://instagram.com/p/03HvOySDOL/?taken-by=shannonmerree

    (and PS I’m very sorry for your injuries and incidents and for your loss 🙁 I would love to say something inspirational but it always comes out sarcastic which is usually okay but probably not in this situation)
    (PPS. ♥ ♥ ♥ xoxoxox)

  32. My son has the mask that the cat in the plaid shirt is wearing. He keeps showing up with it on, just walking around my house like he isn’t completely creepy and insane. I changed his contact picture on my phone to be him wearing that cat mask and lounging on my couch in a cat astronaut shirt. No – really. It both frightens and amuses me whenever he calls.

  33. I’m sorry things are bleak right now, and I hope things get brighter for you soon. I’ve been having a tough week myself, but this made me laugh yesterday…

    Due warning, though, I am a lawyer, so I tend to find stupid lawyer tricks way funnier than other normal folks might.

    Also: I didn’t know lizards had teeth, but they must. Otherwise, you would have written that a lizard gummed you, right?? And if they do have teeth and are bitey, I am going to have to do something about the one that took up residence in my garage. Until now, I just thought that was cute. Yeah, cute until it chomps my toe.

  34. At one time there was a chain of muffler and/or auto shops that had giant men outside holding giant mufflers. They are now scattered about the country, frustrated and confused as their mufflers have taken from them.

  35. I just got new glasses and I hated them too. They made me look like an old lady and contrary to what my girls think, I’m not. The good news is that most places will let you do a “restyle” and pick a different pair and you pay the difference in the frame cost. I’m sorry that people you love are ill. It totally sucks. And the lizard only bit you because you looked delicious. 🙂

  40. So Victor is really James? Why?
    James and Jenny?
    That makes me think it should be Victor/Victoria which is a pretty awesome movie.
    Don’t dwell on sad things. People in hospitals don’t like others to be sad. I think we all only want others to be happy… I want us to be happy!!

  41. I like your glasses. 2. That’s a “muffler man.” He would be holding a very large muffler in his hands. 3. I have nothing funny. Sorry. I will point out that the new Pixar movie is fantastic (according to my brother–who works there). So there’s that to look forward to! 😉

  45. Why did the gum cross the road?
    .
    .
    .
    It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
    (always made me laugh when my four year old told it)

  47. So sorry about your difficulties! I hope all the comatose and hospitalised resurface soon, better and stronger!

  49. I love you.

    Does that help? It helps me.

    P.S. This is Phil and your blog won’t let me use my real name.

    P.P.S. How many Phils do you know? This may be fun. How many Phils will you text/call/email before stumbling on the right one? What sort of fracas will this engender?

  51. All I’m taking away from this is that Victor’s Facebook page says James and not Victor so I’m very confused. Is that so none of your crazy readers stalk him or something?

  53. Lizard bites? Coked-out eels? Look on the bright side, you’re not facing this…

    “Hellacious Eel-Like Fish Are Dropping From The Sky In Alaska”
    (That’s HuffPo, doing its best to exaggerate with a click-bait headline)

    Here’s a story on these dropping lampreys: http://www.cnn.com/2015/06/05/us/fairbanks-falling-fish/index.html

    As for what the tall Texan statue is doing, I’d like to think he’s playing “Banks of the Ohio” on hammered dulcimer. But since the dulcimer is either invisible or imaginary, it could be that both the dulcimer and the player are hammered.

  56. I got nothing really. But im right there with you. So you’re not alone.

  57. Follow Cutie and the Beast on Instagram. It never fails to make me smile, no matter how bad my day is!

  58. Today I was working on a blog post and googled searching for a picture of Elton John with no shirt on. I also used the phrase “Dan, the Human Loofah.” Well, I thought it was funny. And we have a new kitten named Toby, who arrived on a delivery truck at my husband’s job. We called him Toby because he ran away to join our circus. We also call him Toby-Wan Kenobi sometimes.

  59. My foster greyhound found a new home that he will go to today. Knowing the loving situation he is going into, he will rule as a (mostly) benevolent dictator and be loved to pieces where he will, in turn, help a wonderful woman heal. I just need to figure out a way to break it to her that he prefers to be fed in bed.

  60. My horse wants the unicorn mask and a few cans of white spray paint. And real feather wings. And a couple cases of silver nail polish. Something about letting the world see the “real” her. Whatever.

    I want this guy for my grandfather: http://www.cbc.ca/radio/asithappens/as-it-happens-thursday-edition-1.3100783/91-year-old-man-fulfills-dream-of-driving-through-a-garage-door-1.3100822

    If I ever get video of my newest orange cat getting the shit beat out of him EVERY NIGHT by his own catnip mouse, I will post it here. But seriously, that little tiny inanimate object can throw Oren off the bed. Over and over.

  63. I don’t know if it’s in the air. I seem to be in “a mood” as well today.

    I have no words for much of what you are going through, but from the pic you posted of you wearing the new glasses… I think you look really nice in them.

  66. The big guy is holding, either a rifle to hunt bahr (like he did when he was only 3), or a shovel for the road apples! 🙂

    And as far as the cat masks, looking disapproving; aren’t most real cat disapproving?

  68. I am terrible at finding funny things that eleventy million people haven’t found already, so I will just say that I hear you, I feel you (in a totally safe way), and I am right there with you (not peering through the window. In spirit.). I have been struggling also and find I am happiest when I ignore pretty much everything that is happening in the “real world” and just make crackers or muffins or walk the dogs. So the dogs are buff and I have a thin layer of cracker residue forming on my waist.

    YUM.

    Maybe this? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dxrg1wawqvY

  70. I give you this kitten with really sweet breakdancing moves.

    http://ak-hdl.buzzfed.com/static/2014-09/9/17/enhanced/webdr10/anigif_enhanced-28415-1410299672-20.gif

    Cute images are basically the best way I know how to cheer people up, because my words are usually super inadequate. Also I send people selfies of myself doing dumb things. That seems to only work for certain people though. 😀

    https://www.pinterest.com/pin/141581982012475566/
    https://www.pinterest.com/pin/141581982012415901/

    I hope that helps a little! <3

  71. Um… I shit you not, I OWN THAT UNICORN MASK! Seriously, it’s even in my blog banner. And the individual wearing the unicorn mask is serving me baking sugar lined up to look like cocaine. As I sit on my couch, wearing a blue Marie Antoinette wig, holding my cat, who is wearing a bow tie.

  73. Julie’s right – you found a Muffler Man! Here’s a whole page about them, and you can even log his existance on a map and search nearby to find even more: http://www.roadsideamerica.com/story/37422

    Tough stuff sucks. I just finished seven solid years of suck the year before last; a whole lot of stuff spread out (every three or four months some new damn thing would happen) and I was shell-shocked for a year after. It’s over, but the fact that it’s over now didn’t make it suck less then.

  74. First, I can’t believe there’s more than one of that giant man, but either someone has stolen his tool (har) in every location (ok, both locations, as I have seen one and you have seen one and they are not the same one) or he’s just standing there holding nothing and looking confused everywhere he is. Maybe not the best PR strategy I’ve ever seen.

  75. My mother-in-law just went in to get cataracts removed. Simple procedure. Before they got to administer the general anaesthetic, she fainted and broke her ankle.

    A few years ago, her husband kicked a couch out of anger. He broke his foot and had to wear a boot. He then tripped over the boot and fell into the coat closet, breaking his wrist.

    Maybe it’s just because they’re my interfering in-laws that I find these incidents so funny.

  79. I was also confused by the fact that Victor is masquerading as someone called James. And further confused by the fact that it took 31 comments for anyone else to point it out!

  80. I’m 99% certain the giant cowboy is just mid Macarena… make sure you aren’t around when he jumps and pivots

    TODAY IN TEXAS Disaster struck when a giant dancing cowboy shook his giant bootie and pivoted, accidentally rolling over on his giant ankle and crushing his invisible iguana. The Giant Michelin Man down the street declined to comment, stating only “I told him to get boots with better treads”

    xoxx Jenny! Positive vibes! Put on your Blue Q sunshiny socks!

  84. What’s the last thing to go through a bug’s mind when he hits the windshield? His ass. For some reason visualizing that sends me into a fit of giggles. Every. Time. Especially when it’s in slo-mo and all 6 of his little legs are trying to slam on the imaginary brakes and the faces he makes as it’s pressed up against glass. Yes, I’m easily entertained.

  85. Today I passed a pretty little dashund in a frilly white and red polka dot dress doing her business on the side of the road. We avoided eye contact. 🙂

  87. The muffler man sort of reminds me of the Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox statues at a roadside tourist trappy place on 101 by the Ladybird Johnson grove of redwoods in far northern California.
    And from my (bogus) research, it appears that it wasn’t entirely the lizard’s fault: he had just read a post on Reptile Facebook that said how heavenly you tasted and couldn’t stop himself from trying a bite…

  88. I stole this from my best friend and thought you might like it: “There is a rather big snake skin outside my back door. Not carcass, skin, as in a snake molted right outside my back door. (I’m sparing you pictures, because who needs that image in their life, right?) I’m of several minds on this. One, having just returned from Squam, I am amazed at the transformative nature of the snake– once their skin no longer fits them they just cast it off. Two, wow, isn’t nature amazing and beautiful? The skin is actually really pretty in a snake-y sort of way. Three, there is now an EVEN BIGGER snake in my backyard.” Hoping you’re making it through, or, as my father used to say, “Just keep your pecker up!” Sending love

  89. I am so confused. I thought it was Victor. When I am telling people that I am looking for someone to marry who will understand me….I say I am looking for my Victor. Now I just don’t know what to say or do (I believe I have met my Victor though, so I may be okay).

    The giant is supposed to have an ax.

    What makes me smile? I guess knowing that there are two weeks left of me having to wake up the teen for school and get her lunches ready….then I am on the mom version of vacation. I only have to worry about my shit in the morning before I head to the office. She gets to live the dream, beach, her own car and two months off of school (while working 2-3 jobs).

  94. I hear you, the last 3 or 4 weeks have been a sort of cosmic shit-storm and I’ve lost my umbrella. Every time this happens and I start to spiral I find out it is apparently because mercury is in retrograde, every damn time. I don’t believe in astrology but for some reason there is a correlation between mercury in retrograde and my life getting ridiculous and me feeling murdery or just plain depressed. The good news is that it supposedly ends today, however my life will still continue to be a toxic waste dump sized mess, because let’s face it, I’m me, sigh. However I did get a very similar suggestion on amazon last night: http://www.amazon.com/Deluxe-Latex-Rooster-Mask/dp/B00BFWCKSM/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1434050862&sr=8-1&keywords=chicken+mask and I don’t even like chickens, they’re all complete bastards.

  101. James Lawson, aka Victor? Wait. What? Sorry you’re feeling down. That’s a lot to deal with, so take it easy!

  102. I echo my co-commenters who have expressed displeasure and alarm at Victor going by James these days. It’s like he is actively trying to steer clear of your followers, or something. And I think we all know this is his doing because if there’s anything I’ve learned from you, it’s that most everything is Victor’s fault.

    At any rate, here’s a review of Sex Criminals, Volume 1 that has kept me entertained for a couple of days now. I don’t know if it is as funny if you don’t internet-know the commenters, but I suspect it’s still pretty funny, regardless. There are some good gifs and images in it, at the very least.
    https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/1006791002?book_show_action=false&from_review_page=1

  103. A photo of someone I passed on the highway recently. It makes me smile to know that there are people like this in the world.

    (Second attempt to share this. Sorry. I may need an IT person.)

  107. So sorry to hear about the people you adore who are in comas and the other in hospital and the one who died. How horrible. You need a punching bag. Take care.

  108. Uh. I HAVE that unicorn mask, and put it to great use at my wedding…

    [img]http://i.imgur.com/OZJpiA6.jpg?1[/img]

  110. I know you love weird pet names so I’ll tell you mine. My husband fancies himself a pirate, so he named our Aussie Shepherd/ Blue Heeler mix Salty Dog. When we later adopted an abused neurotic Rat Terrier, Justin named her Scurvy. My son’s name includes my husband’s middle name as his middle name. When my son asked me what the dogs’ middle names were and I told him dogs don’t have middle names, that would not do. My middle name is Ann. So Salty is Salty Dog Ann Raver. Scurvy became Scurvy Jane Raver. Why Jane? No fucking clue.

  113. I think the big statue used to hold an axe. Maybe there was an Ax-ident and the lawyers made them remove it.

  115. I’ve been writing “this too shall pass” on my arm to try out whether I want a tattoo of it. It’s the one thing that comforts me in dark days.

  117. My kid cheering me on today for being a bad ass. Yeah…I was spraying ants. Six year olds make awesome cheerleaders for ridiculous things.

  118. The Ft. Worth zoo has two new baby giraffes. They named them Willy and Waylon.

  122. My life is a deep pit of suck right now too. I’m trying to keep my head above water and love that you are strong enough to share your struggle with others.
    Here are a bunch of things I’ve favorite on Imgur that make me laugh. I’m not sure why, but the last gif made me laugh so hard I started to cry and woke up my husband. If it isn’t funny to you, you’re watching it wrong.
    http://imgur.com/account/favorites/1cbbKOF
    http://imgur.com/account/favorites/qsG1i1l
    http://imgur.com/gallery/hhSHdUs
    http://imgur.com/account/favorites/bp5cfR9
    http://imgur.com/account/favorites/3q3uSYw
    http://imgur.com/account/favorites/heZldVm
    http://imgur.com/account/favorites/r8uZSIi

  123. What is orange and sounds like a parrot??
    Why do you never see elephants in trees?
    What did zero say to eight?

    Answers…
    A Carrot
    They are REALLY good at hiding
    Nice belt

  131. Oh my gosh, I believe DragonTears up there has everybody else beat! Hang in there, Jenny! You know we all love you! <3

  138. The first few days are the worst. You will burst in to tears for no reason. You will burst in to tears for every reason ever invented, and make some up, and no one will know what to do. The answer is different for everyone, but i ate a lot of chocolate, binged on all the bad foods when I finally remembered to eat, and listened to U2 because that was her favorite band.

    In the meantime, have you seen “Adult Wednesday Addams”? She’s on YouTube and will keep you busy for half an hour.

    All my love. Xo

  141. I usually like to read the comments because, quite frankly, they are hilarious. However, this time, I only got to number 33 (Thanks, Dan video). I don’t have speakers on my computer so I always turn on closed captioning when watching a video. I have no idea what the actual actors are saying but the CC guy is clearly on coke with the eels. It made me laugh. Give it a try.

  142. Probably safer to avert your eyes from the big statue dude. A similar Paul Bunyan statue came to life and attacked a kid named Richie Tozier. This may or may not have taken place in a Stephen King novel. Details shmeetails. Big statue dude has a shifty look about him in any case. 🙂

  145. I think I’m more worried about the state of your marriage. Does Victor know you are also married to a man names James? Are they twins? Are you in a polygamous marriage with twins? Is that allowed in Texas? Do you accidentally call them by the wrong names or have you been calling Victor by the wrong names ALL THIS TIME and he just got so tired of correcting you that he just went with it? Does your daughter know? Does she prefer one twin over the other? Does she ALSO call him by the wrong name? I’m fascinated. Also, if you decided to just call him random names, you should have gone full out. Aloysius. Frah-kin-steene. Dieter. Etc. Sigh. I’m sure its just his middle name, but I really prefer thinking that you just randomly decided he looked like a Victor and it stuck.

  147. I’m sorry you are going through everything you are. My cousin who I adore had a cardiac arrest Sunday and is now in a coma. We found out last night she probably won’t wake up. I got out of the hospital 2 weeks ago after respiratory failure from pneumonia and am still trying to recover and my daughter is sick with fevers hitting 104 and now our a/c is out and won’t be fixed till the 22nd. I feel like one more thing and I am going to lose my mind. I am barely hanging on now and so grateful to be able to come to your blog and smile. Thank you and I hope things start to turn around for you soon.

  149. Curious George is our travel mascot. If I could figure out how to post pics I could show you the time he got drunk in Madison, WI. 🐒

  150. The lengths to which my friends and I will go to to entertain an audience makes me happy. No matter what I ask of them, they are willing to take it on.

  151. So the statue is a repurposed Paul Bunyan who must have fallen on hard times cause he’s missing his axe. Must have had to pawn it, though I can’t figure out who would want a giant axe, unless it’s a giant axe murderer. Though why anyone would like to kill an axe I don’t know.

  153. Wait. Victor’s name is John? My whole life is a lie!!!

    Oh, and I’m with the folks saying that the giant dude was holding an axe.

  155. Suckage is only good if your name is Hoover. Yours isn’t. So sucking is bad. And I’m so sorry to hear that, but please keep two things in mind: 1. Depression lies. 2. Bed rest is often a good solution.

    And now I am compelled to ask if Lizard Bites are on the new Paleo Menu at McDonalds.

  156. I don’t remember now where it was, but in my earliest recollections of the big statue, the man is holding a double-bladed lumberjack-style axe. Later, I’d see other versions where he’d been repurposed to hold other things — automobile mufflers and what-have-you — but the original was holding a woodcutter’s axe. Examples:
    http://wc.arizona.edu/papers/94/158/04_1_i2.jpg
    https://c4.staticflickr.com/4/3083/2858977258_240373b913_b.jpg
    https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/4a/25/80/4a25805f04f4ba694d9fff4a41426799.jpg
    https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/d4/34/bc/d434bc051be1bb48dfcef28ad6d29c22.jpg

  159. We had a big guy statue like that in town when I was a kid. One year they gave him a huge penis as a senior prank.

  160. Hug your loved ones and be thankful for them. I’m sorry for your losses. Aren’t lizard bites a good omen?

  163. Your husband is Victor! Why do you have a second husband and how come this is the first you’ve said anything to us?

  164. You are amazing (I quietly stalk you and insta-preorded both your books, but sometimes it warrants telling you explicitly, especially when I think of all the days that I’m not doing too great and I read a post and you’ve written in a way that just makes SENSE and is just a little bit rambly, because ARENT WE ALL, and it’s not just me that has conversations like this, is it?)
    I’m sure you already had found CuteOverload but its a site that has TONS of the cute (I found it because it was started by a meg in SF and all my friends assumed it was me until it got HUGE and was clearly AIMED at me, but not mine) : http://cuteoverload.com/2015/06/11/lookit-a-little-floating-hat/ This is my cute offering to you!
    THINGS GET BETTER. Or at least the ability to see things in a better light can happen and so the sucky thing is still sucky but no longer overwhelming. I wish you all the best luck in getting to a whelm-able state!!

  166. Sending happy vibes your way.

    https://www.google.com/search?q=funniest+cat+memes&tbm=isch&imgil=g9Y43Sll_GVvCM%253A%253BR6vU_qahSel9HM%253Bhttp%25253A%25252F%25252Fcattime.com%25252F25-funny-cat-memes-part-2.html&source=iu&pf=m&fir=g9Y43Sll_GVvCM%253A%252CR6vU_qahSel9HM%252C_&usg=__x9rL_Q2LvLS2iWDGXFz2RlxNBZA%3D&biw=1366&bih=599&ved=0CCoQyjdqFQoTCPOc2MnJiMYCFQsTkgodFVYBow&ei=Pvx5VfOFNIumyASVrIWYCg#imgrc=_o0cCtvJkvqqtM%253A%3Be6zUvzTKy_9RJM%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fcatswallpaperhd.us%252Fwp-content%252Fuploads%252F2014%252F07%252Ffunny-cat-memes-tumblr-hd-inflated-boobs-memes-best-collection-of-funny-inflated-boobs-pictures.jpg%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fwww.pinstopin.com%252Ffunny-cat-memes-wallpaper%252FZnVubnktcGljdHVyZXMtYmxvZypjb218d3AtY29udGVudHx1cGxvYWRzfDIwMTF8MDl8UGhvdG9zaG9wXzIqanBn_YmFtcm9ib3QqY29tfGZ1bm58ZnVubnktY2F0LW1lbWVzKmh0bWw%252F%3B1000%3B1249

  168. Oops, I’m sorry for that crazy long link. I was trying to post a picture. Looks I posted the entire internet. shrugs

  169. I can never tell which [slipper] is Statler and which is Waldorf.

    Chin up and hang in there.

  170. I don’t have much smile worthy right now–your vent list looks similar to mine. But thank you for sharing your pictures. I needed that.

    PS. We have one of those big guys in Springfield IL. I think he used to be a Paul Bunyan holding an axe. Now he holds a tire as the Lauterbach man. But he lost his head a few years ago in a tornado and they had to bolt it back on. Now he looks like a giant Frankenstein.

  173. I’ve seen that giant man! I always thought he was holding an imaginary dog so the vet could give shots without being bitten. I thought he was being helpful and kind. I’d bet money the imaginary dog doesn’t think so.

  174. My husband brought home a pigeon head mask thingie–he was running around pecking people with it on. My son wanted to take it back to college with him so he could wander around the outside eating area knocking peoples sandwiches off their plates. I’d happily send you a copy of the photo should you have an email you allow crazy people that raise children to run around college campuses with pigeon masks on.

  177. I send my condolences on your loss and hope that those who are ill make a full recovery. I too have the ability to pile seemingly inconsequential things on top of important ones until it feels like an avalanche. It’s awful. On a brighter note, Mr. Big Man seems to have his hands ready to slide a giant penis through them.
    That is my observation of his stance.

  181. I think he’s holding the lizard that bit you (considering the scale and all), or maybe a large snake, like the ones taking over the Everglades (the iguana made me think of that, since the iguanas are taking over Fort Myers).

  183. The news Down Under has been equally gloomy. Sigh. Cancer and comas and divorce and like that. I think we should all wear unicorn heads and start drinking RIGHT now. Obviously, the unicorn heads need a built in straw in the throat. Just like real unicorns. What?

  185. Hey, I live in Alaska, land of the sky-falling eels. Fortunately, I don’t live in that town but now that I’ve heard this can happen I’m terrified it could happen anywhere. Your vent list looks like mine: my dad died 2 months ago, my mom had/has cancer, I bought a new washer and dryer that got delivered two days ago, the washer doesn’t spin the water out of clothes, repair people can’t come until Tuesday. I cried when the washer didn’t work right, it was the last straw, and the dumbest thing ever to cry over.

  187. I’m sorry these things are happening to you and to people you are about. Hugs. The news makes me want to punch people, too. In the face. With a cactus. But here are things that made me happy:

    This one will make you s*** your pants: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I03UmJbK0lA

    Here’s a scary story that is anything but: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_UBvub-BWI

    Here’s another purposely-bad story. The narration takes it over the top. I cried when I heard it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zELBL1fPo3s

  193. We are babysitting a friends guinea pig for 6 weeks. She is spoiled and noisy and we like her very much. I also personally enjoy sending emails with her photo doing things at what we call “Camp Morfeld.”

    This is what we sent yesterday along with the attached email commentary.
    Poop-can’t put a picture…its a guinea pig with a batman action figure and a large stuffed Walrus…visualize Jenny…

    Dear Mom and Dad Marzuola, Penny is enjoying superhero week at camp and has been making lots of new friends and getting touch with her “dark, tortured” side. We always encourage friendship among campers, but do try to limit romance as they rarely, if ever work out from a cross species perspective.

    (Addendum: Henry and I had fun making up dialogue for the attached photo.
    1. THE WALRUS STRIKES AGAIN
    2. Batman and his furry companion fight crime together and eat their vegetables
    3. Batman tries to convince his new side kick that the uniform is figure flattering to her curves.
    4. “No Penny, you cannot borrow the Batmobile again, you left it all hairy.”

  194. I was pretty sure that I was the only one who mutters (and occasionally sings loudly) “Eels up inside you.” Now I wonder…

  195. shotgun bet you anythi g thats what the statue was holding. . can you find out? btw, sending hugs

  196. Well, I can verify that your giant man is menacing. He used to be holding an axe. (That’s why one hand is up and one down.) According to Bill Griffith, who draws Zippy the Pinhead, he is in fact Paul Bunyan. The statues were repurposed by a chain of muffler shops, so he then held a muffler, awkwardly.

    As for smiling — try this.

    It’s a Weird Al vid. You might be a little young, but, us old people find it hysterical. Especially Ferlinghetti and Ginsberg in the background.

  198. I LIVE in the land of the flying eels, so yeah just be thankful you don’t have THAT to worry about, yet. Today I cried over a washing machine, as ridiculously stupid as that sounds, it happened. 2 days ago I got a new washing machine, last night I did first load of said laundry, it did not work, today I cried about it. Frustration mixed with my dad dying 2 months ago, my mom having cancer, and general being an adult BS finally brimmed over and I lost it for a bit. So while I sat in the middle of Best Buy sobbing about a GD washing machine trying to convince them I was not crazy, I began to think maybe I really AM crazy. At the very least I should not be allowed to be an adult anymore this week.

  200. Okay, I’m going to do my best. Here goes:

    My mom was a pretty independent girl for her time, growing up in the 60s. She moved away from home, on her own, and made a life for herself. In this particular story, she had flown back home to attend a wedding, and was returning to her new home in the upper Midwest. The way that the flight was scheduled, she didn’t have time to change, and so she just wore her bridesmaid’s dress. It was a pretty, handmade dress, suited for the quasi-Southern town she grew up in, and seeing as how the wedding was in the spring, it was fairly lightweight.

    She was fine when she left her hometown, but her flight had a layover in Chicago (at Midway), and then wound up delayed. The weather in Chicago wasn’t as seasonally appropriate as the weather where she came from, and with all of her clothes in the checked suitcase, she was freezing. A fellow passenger offered her his jacket while they were waiting to find out about the flight, and she gratefully accepted. As time wore on, she grew bored, and started wandering around the boarding area. Without really noticing it, she wandered further, lost in thought.

    Suddenly she realized she was being followed. Her hometown wasn’t a large city, but she’d grown up in the heart of it, in the housing projects, so she had some street smarts. I guess it was that kind of learned sixth sense that tipped her off, but there was definitely someone following her. She was already a little spooked, given that someone on the plane had flat out propositioned her on the flight in, and this was just too much. At first she just walked a little faster. She ducked into the bathroom to see if she could shake them, but it was no good. They were still there. She came to a part of the airport that had some pillars, and she tried weaving around them to lose the person, doing her best spy evasion routine. They stuck like glue. Who were they? What did they want? She was starting to get really scared, and about to go find a security officer, when a voice from behind startled her.

    “Aw lady, I’m just trying to keep an eye on my jacket!”

    See, she had forgotten about the man’s jacket that she was still wearing. Apparently he’d grown alarmed when she wandered away, and wanted to make sure he’d get it back. It just took him a while to realize that she was clueless as to who he was and why he was following her. She returned the jacket to him, and all was well.

    Hopefully that made you laugh, or at least chuckle. If not, I can try trotting out the story about how and why she wound up hiding under the table at a bridal shower, stealing wrapping paper. Or mine the other side of the family for some country shenanigans, including a real shotgun wedding.

  201. I walked into the high school media center the other day and found a picture of Juanita at the front desk, captioned “The End is Near! Return your overdue library books!”. I was furiously happy to see it, and I wish I could share it with you! I will try to tweet it.

  202. That baby looks like Anthony Hopkins’s evil spawn: “Helloo, Clarice…”

  206. I wrote a song about my cat. Maybe that will cheer you up. I don’t know how to put the YouTube link here, but I’ve posted it at the top of my blog.

  211. Was there a poll I missed where we voted on Victor being called James now? Or vice-versa. World is upside down.

  212. The giant man is at a car place. He is totally holding an imaginary steering wheel whilst guiding you into the store, like “back it on up here”. No idea why he isn’t sitting in his imaginary vehicle then though.

    Um, when I need a distraction from life, I go play silly browser games. I let http://www.jayisgames.com bring them to me. There’s one called “My Hatoful Boyfriend”, if you want to pretend you’re trying to date a murderous bird (I think. Definitely birds though).

    If you want to watch live streams of animals from around the world, they’re all archived here: http://www.mangolinkcam.com/index.html

    Then there’s this website: http://meowmania.jqln.org You want to have the sound on, then just start clicking.

    I think I have the flu, but it’s winter and everybody has the flu, so I can’t get into a doctor to confirm this and maybe get the extra assistance to overcome whatever is making me feel awful.
    At least I currently have a reason to hibernate in front of Netflix though…

  213. Favourite part of the day, looking on the bloggess and seeing some new post with an utterly unexplainable title (my favourite is “I’m stuck on this deer, no literally…”) my sister and I are coming to the book ttour stop in Toronto in the fall!!! She showed me your book and I think I’ve read it 4 times since then two years ago I absolutely love you’re crazy mind Jenny makes my day❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ Ps I wanted to say thanks for helping me get an A+ on my English essay even thought neither you or my teacher knew it I used your personality and humor to write an awesome (in my opinion) essay😊 if you ever want to read it and see how your inspiration created a crazy masterpiece just ask👍 haha and PPs I have successfully corrupted a large amount of my friends with you’re blog and books😈 they totally love you now (incase you were ever going to recruit a small army of your people we got you👍🙏 haha) PPPs have you ever thought of making an Instagram account? TheBloggess is still available (I had to check if you had one already haha) much love from Canada and all of our polar bears (taxidermied or not) xoxo💜💜💜

  215. What always makes me smile is this miniature shaggy donkey that I drive by every day. I think that they got him to be a companion for their horse (since he follows that horse everywhere), but that donkey is sooo adorable!

    I think that they took the gun away from your cowboy statue. He looks like he’s saying “Hey did you see my cool shotgun…..whaaa, where did it go!”

  216. DUDE. That statue where he should be holding something. I have a picture of myself standing by one in like BFE Nebraska except I think it’s supposed to be a Native American instead and holy crap I need to go check facebook.

  218. I have been spending a lot of time looking for reasons to smile lately. After much debate between Jeff Goldblum laughing and the Boosh live Future Sailors clip… I’m talking about EELS!! And I suggest an enormous blow up eel to jump on if this fails. https://youtu.be/GidzK0QHTxw

  219. So, my 3 year old girl had me cleaning her hiney in the bathroom. While she sat on the throne, leaning her tiny head into my legs, she wrapped her arms around my legs, leaned in, and bit me. I screamed a scream that was so blood curdling, my teenager that never hears me came running to find out why I’d found a completely new octave. My sweet 3 year old baby girl drew blood biting me through my yoga capris and I am surprised I didn’t faint. So, now we have to watch to ensure she hasn’t developed a taste for blood.

  224. I have depression and my family. I’ve had it all my life. I avoid the news at all cost. If I need to know anything, I look it up on the internet. Drives my in-laws crazy cuz they’re like “News and important and shit!” and I’m like, “not if I want to be at all productive and actually get off the couch and be at all happy!” So I understand.

    Here are my things that make me happy:

    Snoop dogg’s dancing
    Cereal
    Peanut Butter (my chocolate)
    Cheap horror and sci-fi flicks
    And while scrolling down to here, a picture of Nathan Fillion with Otters! Seriously, BESTTHINGEVER!!!

  225. Also: The Game Skyrim. Just got married but considering killing my husband because I found someone better….

  228. These are some things that make me smile, so I hope they help you too:
    This website, always: http://cuteoverload.com/
    This music video, because Sir Ian McKellen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZS0WvzRVByg
    All anyone has to say to me is “Nighttime, daytime!” or “Oh, I am looking at her,” and I start giggling: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cV6I1_o6vrY.
    This, because it’s cute and sweet and hopeful: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ffhSkKviw1I.

    Sending thoughts of peace and healing to you and your dear ones.

  229. A kid I’ve met previously with an American accent tried to pull off a British accent on me….I must seem like an idiot… I just let him roll!! I figured he was having fun with his new accent and thinking I had no clue. 😉

  231. Sorry you are having a crappy time. It does seem like there is Horrible Things Season, like deer season or football season, but not limited to a specific time frame or (even worse) with a predictable starting time.

    Maybe this will make you laugh, though.

    This is old (my daughter is a freshman now), but I still crack up EVERY. TIME. Everyone I know is, I’m sure, sick of it, but . . . Imagine reaching the end of the school year (if you’re a teacher), clearing stuff off your laptop, and finding THIS. And finding that it had been there, unnoticed, since February. At the end you can hear me coming down the hall from being on bus duty, which causes her to signs off rather quickly. She’ll be so mad that I am “showing it to somebody else AGAIN”! I hope it’ll make you laugh, though. It may disturb you a little bit, though. Here is the link:

  232. It is always a good time to watch Eddie Izzard’s French lesson again. Sending you hugs and good wishes and lavender lemonade, and the same to everyone here who is going through a rough time right now.

  234. hey. I really feel for you, since it’s obvious that your week is sucking hugely. Just know that I hope it improves both for the people you love and for you. When I’m down I just love this video, 1. because the narrator’s voice makes ME sound straighter than I ever thought possible, and 2. because “honey badger don’t give a shit!” LOL. hope you enjoy it as much as I do!!

  236. a tiny hipster, aged apx 18 months, on his way out of the library tonight, made intense eye contact with me from beneath his little slouchy knit hat, pointed hard at the ground, and said “yo, i leave now,” then toddled away.

  239. Thanks for the honesty. Things can be shitty as hell, it’s nice to be reminded that someone else is fighting to be positive. Not only that but stupid shit on the internet just may be the cure for ennui. Love it. Unicorn for the win!

  242. The fish mask guy in the business suit reminded me of the opening to season 2 of Torchwood.

    “have you seen a blowfish drivin’ a sports car?”
    “bloody Torchwood”

  244. I don’t know how to share a picture, but I can share a story: my son (a two-year-old puppy) was gifted with new toys today. Once of them is an Octopus with a big head and seven (only seven, WTF?!) legs. The head is full of stuffing and a squeaker. Well, it was. But Max, who can usually rid a toy of its squeaker inside five minutes, seemed to be having troubles with his new Octopus…

    He picked it up, shook it around a bit, whined, dropped it, lay down, stood up, grabbed the Octopus, shook it, threw it down with enough force to make the head squeak, and finally set to trepanning it. I kid you not: He trepanned the head and extracted the squeaker through the hole.

    Perhaps needles to say, I watched this operation with amazement and disbelief. But I loved every second of it. I love my son, he makes me smile at least 50 times a day. He is my reason for living. 🙂

  245. I can’t believe I forgot to comment on your post! My apologies. 🙁

    Jenny, my heart goes out to you. I’m sorry you are beset with such bad news, and so much of it! I hope that your loved ones will recover, and that your memories of your lost loved one will provide you with smiles whenever you think of him. I’m sorry you were bit by a lizard; that sounds unpleasant. I hope you washed the respective body part. Lizards have cooties, you know.

    And I hope that last little bit made you smile. You’re in my thoughts. I hope you will have happy days again soon.

  247. Jenny, I am so sorry to learn about your loved ones. I hope that you, your family, and your friends recover soon. You are wise to avoid the news as a general rule. I hear you on the “restructuring… [your] head” bit. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) has helped me tremendously over the years because it really does retrain your brain how to stop certain patterns of chaotic, self-destructive thoughts. But sometimes I feel like I need to pull out the manual of the mind and reread it for a refresher course. Also, humor is an excellent coping skill. Whenever I’m feeling depressed (which is often, lately), I read your blog because I know I’ll find something hilarious that will make me forget (albeit temporarily) why I feel sad, miserable, or whatever else. Every day I try to make myself laugh, and I can understand why you want to do the same. Thank you for your writing.

  250. listen to the soothing sounds of baby goat backtalking their human.
    http://youtu.be/lfGc8RkRJO0

    You are amazing, Jenny Lawson. Thank you for being brave enough to write about the real stuff. Goddamn lizards.

  251. I have a funny picture I want to post here but I can’t figure out how to because this internet thing is hard work. But basically it’s a dog looking smug next to a pizza and he says “Yeah, into fitness. Fitness whole pizza in my mouth”. Trying to explain it defiantly isn’t as funny. Hugs Jenny, I’m hugging you so tight that you might lose some blood, but not really because cyber hugs aren’t that dangerous.

  253. Chicken Sweaters. (Well more like poultry ponchos, but still.)
    https://www.flickr.com/photos/fadetofuture/sets/72157622726259641/
    …so all you kind knitters and crocheters reading this, I think Beyoncé needs a wardrobe update. You know what to do.

    Also, this makes me laugh, always — even in the middle of hellish RA flares or imploding family issues: http://www.buzzfeed.com/tomphillips/medieval-beasts-that-cannot-even-handle-it-right-now#.fozYz9BZ5j

  255. I’m sorry…I hate for anyone to go through that kind of sadness and anxiety.

    Little Bloopy looks like he needs a coked out eel as a pet.

  256. I am so glad someone else finally commented on the James/Victor thing. That threw me for a huge loop, and I was scrolling through comments going “I can’t be the only one!”

    Also, sorry for all the crappy stuff 🙁 Prayers for you & your loved ones…and also a video of a dancing Cyberman.

  258. I’ve been feeling pretty down lately, but so I’ve been watching a lot of Parks and Recreation. That cheers me up. Also, here’s “Raccoons are Awesome. A Compilation”

  260. Whenever I feel a little down, I like to watch this video of kittens on a slide. Safe from predators, not safe from kitten stupidity.

  262. Inappropriate humour makes me laugh. For example, that lizard bite was to be expected. They often pop up after multiple comas.

    Coma, coma, coma, coma, coma chameleon…….

  265. So if Victor is really James does that make the Muffler Man Victor? I really do like your not real posts best of all, tin man. Also, what do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros? El-eph-ino.

  266. FYI – If you’re standing in the middle of Target and off your daughter a round piece of candy by saying, “Would you like one of my Schweaty Balls?” you’ll discover just how many people don’t have a sense of humor. Or watch Saturday Night Live.
    Oh, and screaming, “Stop fingering my balls!” when she’s touching every.last.piece. before grabbing one? Will not win you any kudos either.
    And this is why I’m not allowed out without adult supervision.

  267. Hopefully this makes you smile. My 10-year-old daughter announced that she is now a vegetarian, but it’s on her terms. She can eat ham because she loves ham. She can also eat bologna and hamburgers every once in a while. And she can eat meat on Mondays because both start with M. We’ve been letting this run it’s course with very little thought.

    She went to camp last week, and afterwards admitted to me that she told the camp that she was a vegetarian. They nicely made her special meals all week long. But then one night they served ham. To everyone except her. She knew enough not to ask for ham since they had prepared mac & cheese for her, but she described the horror of smelling and seeing ham all around her. So now she’s a carnivore again. The kicker is that she’s going back to that same camp in July. This is where I step back and let her wiggle her own way out of the problem!

    Hope today goes better, Jenny!

  268. Jenny- I thought I’d use my Photoshop skills for good, rather than evil, and hopefully make something that may make you smile. I call this “Muffler Man plays with his dollies”. You may recognize his Barbies. [IMG]http://i59.tinypic.com/15ocxvb.jpg[/IMG]

  269. So my cat Tali likes to stalk me in the morning to steal my make up brushes so she can run around with them in her mouth, and/or bat them around on the floor. My husband’s reaction to this is to pretend he’s the cat and talks in a baby voice ‘But Mommy, I wanna be pretty. I’m gonna be pretty like Mommy. This is what I need. I’m pretty. I’m pretty.’

    The youngest cat Jack just stares at her and wants to play too and doesn’t understand why she’s hogging the make up brushes. Neither of them really gets the fact that the brushes are mine and I’ve given them (bought a bunch on ebay, which is how spoiled my cats are) their own small sized brushes to play with.

    Tali actually tried to take a brush out of the holder while my back was turned and had the nerve to look affronted when I scolded her for it. So I need to either give up on makeup altogether because I’m setting a bad example for my cat, or I have to resign myself to having cat saliva on my brushes.

    I’m not sure which is worse. My husband is no help.

  270. Jenny. I’m pretty damn sure it’s clear what he was holding back in his heyday.

  274. Condolences on your loss and sending strength and healing vibes to you and your friends. I feel like something is going around, there seems to be a greater than usual amount of deaths, injuries, car accidents, illnesses and various other disasters among me and my loved ones as well. Taking comfort in supporting each other and finding joy where we can gives us strength and keeps us going. Here are some things that make me laugh, hopefully they will do the same for you. 🙂

    https://img.4plebs.org/boards/x/image/1400/36/1400361348222.jpg

    I never really found clowns all that funny until I saw this:

    [youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jRwcmPm_C6M&w=420&h=315%5D

    I have no idea what’s going on here:

    [youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t6m3ksi1HWY&w=420&h=315%5D

    And then there’s this:

    https://www.google.com/search?q=superhero+dictionary&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=JBU4VaHJLon1oASNoYCoAQ&ved=0CAgQ_AUoAg&biw=1284&bih=545&dpr=0.9#imgrc=_

    And finally:

    http://tumblr.austinkleon.com/post/120825105516

  276. I am in my office right now with the window open. A gentleman in a business suit and headphones just walked past outside singing at an exceptionally high volume. After I recovered from a second of fearful paralysis (didn’t quite know what that noise was) I was quite delighted with the show. I wish I could send him your way to entertain you as well. Perhaps I would accompany him, teach you some Kung Fu and pour you a 40.

  277. The best holiday “Secret Santa” gift exchange item you can ever purchase is a horse mask and a horse sound effects controller.
    I wish I had video to prove it, but just know that it’s true, okay?

  278. This is a creepy “Fry Guy” that used to sit outside a Mom n Pop restaurant just down the road from my house. He was only outside for a few days. I don’t know if he was finally kidnapped or ran off enough business that the owners finally took him back inside. Either way, I really don’t care. All I know is, I don’t have to continue looking for a new route into town.

  280. These guys have really been helping me so much lately. It’s impossible for me to watch them and not feel better: http://livestream.com/tinykittens/eve 9 kittens (5 from Eve’s litter and 4 from another litter) and a marvelous mama cat, Eve. Feel better soon Jenny! We love you!

  281. Have you seen the etsy shop Coryographies? (https://www.etsy.com/shop/Coryographies?ref=l2-shopheader-name) I asked her to make me a Hitchhiker bookcase necklace, and she did. She’s awesome. I think I may be in love with her. Or at least in love with her necklaces. Just looking at the stuff in her shop makes me feel like somebody gets my particular brand of nerd. I hope the week stops crapping on you. I’m sending good energy your way.

  284. your big guy needs to be holding a chainsaw. Preferably revving it. A dear friend passed away last Sunday from bowel cancer. I saw her a couple of weeks ago and we had a hug and cry. It was the first time I’d seen her in 3 years. She went away and got sick. Today I get to go through old photos with another friend looking for Jo. Going to need wine to get through this.

  285. While the idiot nobel laureate Hunt’s sexist comments about “girls” in the lab weren’t funny, the responses by women scientists are great. Check #devastatinglysexy.

    And I hear you on the allergies. While I love trees, I’ve been having wonderful daydreams about sterilizing the lot of them and making them reproduce via test-tube seedlings. Dratted pollen.

  289. I hope this makes you laugh.

    One night when I was around 12 and my brother around 9, we were getting ready for bed. I started hearing spitting, swearing and complaining coming from the bathroom. I went in to check on my brother and saw he was brushing his teeth. I asked him what was wrong. “Good damn spit awful disgusting spit toothpaste. It’s gone spit bad” was the answer. “What toothpaste are you using?” I asked. He pointed to a red tube on the bathroom sink that looked like toothpaste so I picked it up and read the label. I started laughing so hard I couldn’t tell him what was in the tube. He got more irritated because I was laughing. Mom finally came into the bathroom wondering why her daughter was howling with laughter and her son spitting and cursing while brushing his teeth. Yes he was still brushing! I handed mom the tube gasping out the words “he, brushing, this”. Mom suppressed her laughter and calmly told my brother to stop brushing and rinse his mouth out because he was brushing his teeth with dads shaving cream. He was not happy with our idiot father for leaving the shaving cream that looked like toothpaste by sink, at me for still laughing and mom the innocent messenger.

    To this day, he still gets upset when I mention “The Incident” as I like to call it. And I still can’t get over the fact that he just kept on brushing his teeth.

    Writing this is making me smile. Hope it helps, even a little.

  290. Just a few links to work on, most of which you may demand apologies for later on.

    A great effort on how role-playing games actually go: http://www.shamusyoung.com/twentysidedtale/?p=612

    The rest are mine, shamelessly and/or egotistically

    Just a pair of videos: http://wading-in.net/walkabout/2011/08/just-for-fun/

    A memory of wedding photography: http://wading-in.net/walkabout/2010/05/im-not-sure-what-happened/

    I was, literally, thinking of you, Jennie, when writing this one, but never bothered to send you a link: http://wading-in.net/walkabout/2015/01/the-struggle-for-an-appropriate-title/

    Annnndddd this one, best left without comment: http://wading-in.net/walkabout/2013/08/booger-nights/

  291. This morning I gave my daughter’s cat an enema….you weren’t there helping which should make you smile quite a bit actually. If your boyz ever need one, you know who to call.
    hugs,
    the catmum

  292. This morning I gave my daughter’s cat an enema. This should make you smile because you weren’t there, having to help. Also, if your boyz ever need an enema, you totally know who to call. Hugs.
    the catmum

  295. To restore faith in humanity: There’s a 78 year old Australian man who has donated blood plasma 1,000 times and saved the lives of over 2 MILLION BABIES! They call him “The Man With the Golden Arm,” and he’s paying it forward after his life was saved as a teen when he received 13 liters of donated blood.
    http://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/australian-blood-donor-78-saves-2-million-babies-article-1.2251625
    There’s a podcast called Trends Like These that comes out on Thursdays that talks about internet things, and they do a “Wi-Five of the Week” where they highlight a positive thing that humanity has done that they learned about via the internet. It’s a humorous podcast and it’s always reaffirming to be reminded that the world isn’t all awful. 🙂

  297. I go to the website dogshaming.com. It always cheers me up and reminds me that my dogs are no crazier than anyone else’s dogs and dogs are pretty awesome.

  298. Do you read John Scalzi? He had a post with a comment thread that is only happy puppies: http://whatever.scalzi.com/2015/06/05/picture-happy-puppies-a-fundraising-thread/
    (Intermittent lurker. First time poster. Hi.) (Though I mentioned you to my husband the other day, when he refused to let me buy a taxidermied mouse that was throwing snowballs. It was standing on a sled. It had a little green hat. It was adorable. I told him you would understand why I needed to have it but he was unconvinced.)
    (I’m going now.)

  299. https://res.cloudinary.com/roadtrippers/image/upload/c_fill,fl_progressive,h_354,w_236/v1383807034/lumberjack-muffler-man-4f734ffd46d09d519e000001.jpg

    I hope this posts as a picture. This is the creepy giant man I drive by fairly regularly, it’s on the NAU campus. At Christmas time they replace the axe with a giant candy cane. I didn’t know these things were called muffler men, and I still don’t know why, but it’s better that way. No cake eels in AZ, but our squirrels and prairie dogs have the plague, so thats cool.

  300. In the space of four days I found out I was not going to be permitted to renew my lease and found a gorgeous new apartment next door to one of my closest friends. I was so afraid and now I am so, so happy. I hope something happens soon to make you so, so happy, because I truly believe you deserve it.

  303. This has been a weird year but hopefully somewhere in the bad there have been moments of good? On one of your other posts someone mentioned The Roots The Fire (good song but may want to skip the “Longest Walk” style video) and if you can find their video for The Last Movement, watch the drummer’s expressions as the setup changes (in interest of full disclosure I’ve never really listened to the lyrics so might be worth listening with the volume low).

    I know the giant guy in Ct and the one in Ny normally had a flag in their hands but whatever they were beyond to terrorize small children (myself included) I never knew.

  305. Things that have made me smile recently that I hope make you smile too:

    1) There is a restaurant open in Dallas called Tallywackers that is a male version of Hooters. You get to pick which hunky guy is your waiter. http://cw33.com/2015/05/30/tallywackers-all-male-version-of-hooters-now-open-for-business/

    2) I was sitting at a red light a few weeks ago and I saw this trailer and I thought it said “Erotic petting zoo”. And I was so shocked that a) such a thing existed (with monkeys?!), b) that it was legal, and c) that someone would drive around with a trailer advertising it! I was so flabergasted I grabbed my phone and took a picture. When I got home I was all excited to share this crazy picture on Facebook, and then I looked a little closer and realized it actually said “exotic petting zoo” and I was like ‘oh, well that makes more sense, but now I’m kinda disappointing because that’s not nearly as exciting’. I shared the pic anyway, with the story behind why I snapped it and my friends got a kick out of it. I still get tickled when I think about it. Picture of trailer: http://imgur.com/PSSm8R4

  306. Someone told me yesterday about a sign where they used to work “Employees must wash hands. If no employees are around, wash your own damn hands.”

  307. Dave Gorman once tried to make a unicorn, but I can’t find a clip of it on YouTube. But I did find him dancing out of the way of traffic.

  309. OMG!!!! MY SON JUST YELLED “SPECIAL DELIVERY!!!” AND THEN RAN ACROSS THE ROOM TO HAND ME A BOOGER!!!!! OMG, that was beyond disgusting….

  310. My sister actually received that unicorn mask for Christmas just gone. It’s pretty terrifying, but does coordinate with her unicorn onesie.

  311. stephanie pearl-mcphee aka the yarnharlot.ca is one of the funniest women out there. you and she share space on my computer’s menu bar. try this one for a good laugh: http://www.yarnharlot.ca/2007/01/dear_daughters/

    if you knit, or know knitters, the rest of the blog will make a lot of sense. if you don’t, then i also suggest learning to knit. it smooths away many rough edges in life. hugs (())

  313. My friend just introduced me to this guy( https://youtu.be/BsXQGttzZ6E ) and I’ve been in happy tears watching his compilations of Vine videos for the last 2 days. He has none of my or your social anxiety but all the humor so I hope you can live a little vicariously like I’ve been doing. Also, ALL THE HUGS and thank you for your blog. It has helped me in a myriad of ways. If all else fails, dance party!

  316. He’s holding an invisible double-ended dildo. (I think the original was holding a sledgehammer or an axe, but I’m not certain. If he’s a muffler man, I’d like to see a photo.)

  317. Don’t know how to put a picture here, so I’ll put it on your FB page, but I do know how to play with Photoshop a little bit, so I put an iguana in the guy’s hands for you. Sorry about your friends.

  321. I REALLY think that the picture of Hunter S Tomcat wearing those shoes is my daughter’s cat!! I have to show her that picture…she will DIE!! LOL…..Thanks for posting. I am excited….T:)

  322. This always makes me smile, the live walrus cam on Round Island, Alaska!
    explore.org/live-cams/player/walrus-cam-round-island They also have other cool wildlife webcams on the site. Thank you for all the smiles you give us!

  324. I am having one of those days where I’m feeling lost and all depressed again. Grateful to have your blog post for me to have a bit of a chuckle. Sorry about the people you knew in a coma, hope everything will turn out fine.

  325. FYI…my daughter OWNS that unicorn mask. She begged and begged for it and used birthday money. She has an Instagram account and I have told her she can’t post photos of herself (she is too young in my opinion). So what does she do? She puts on the mask, takes a photo and posts it. Her logic? “Well Mom, they can’t see my face.” Gotta love her…

  326. I’m sorry. Days like you’re having are why I just printed out my first quote from Homer Simpson: “Dear God–Please grant me the wisdom to understand your capricious, nasty mind.”

  327. You didn’t ask for advice, but Ima give it anyway. I am a knitter, and I keep finding research showing that knitting is therapeutic and calming. Maybe you should try it? Crochet, too; actually, any activity that involves repetitive small motions (but not typing b/c typos) produces similar results. Plus, you get to play with soft and colorful yarn.
    Related: a t-shirt that says, “I knit so I don’t kill people.” Another that says, ” I knit. You live. Everybody wins.” And, “Knitting is not a hobby. It is a post-apocalyptic life skill.” (Yes, I have all these t-shirts.)

  330. I wanted to share my daughter’s speed paint video edited to and inspired by a beautiful song by Florence & the Machine called “Falling”

  331. I’m soooooo sorry that your loved ones and friends are in crisis. I wish I could wish on a star and make it all go away for you. I’m in the middle of a dark hole too. I think its time for puppies, rainbows, unicorns, Xanax and a Cosmo. Meet me under the table; I’ll bring enough for two! Sending hugs, hugs and more hugs.

  332. So I’m not a hairstylist…but I didn’t eff up my daughter’s pink hair for 8th grade graduation. In fact…I think I may have missed my calling in life. https://www.facebook.com/MarshallFundamentalSecondarySchool/photos/ms.c.eJxFjtkNRDEIAztaQYg5~_m9s80BxJPgZjcEqaaKxCrL9zE8HfKvrzAWr0qLO0MBE5IExjCDasLxgWxsOAnxfvIIgBtDA6ghYDLuN5FF4f1EWcxvA6j6RYMSnmDxQY7B6TI~;XNHLAviDl3EAV~;shqQLM~-.bps.a.1083017278379381.1073741989.504887322859049/1083017675046008/?type=1&theater

  334. 1) Your husband’s got a fake name on FB. Weird… Or you have a second husband… OR!! oooh ooh! Maybe VICTOR is fake!! 😉
    2) My hubby is not home right now, but we get to talk on skype occasionally… last night, as we were saying goodbye after a nice long conversation (even more infrequent due to children and timezones) I said “I want to hug my computer. Maybe I should just headbutt you like [our 1.5 year old son] does.” So we headbutted. On skype. From like, 8 thousand miles away 😉 And it made me laugh out loud, and nearly impossible to hang up, but it was still wonderful 🙂

  338. Just blitzed through the page, so I’m certain I’ve missed much that I shouldn’t have. I’m also sure I’m not the first to point this out, but – Sex Mucus and the Cocaine Disposal would make a helluva band name.

    Just sayin’.

  339. Oh, yeah, I own that unicorn mask. It’s a little hot & PVC-smelling & you can only see out of the mouth & it’s hard to drink beer while wearing it, but it is EXCELLENT for freaking people out. It works best if you can cover up the edge of the mask at the neckline so it looks like a realistic unicorn head is just coming out of a suit or a scarf or something. You can also leave it in people’s beds as a gay mafia threat.

  341. I totally own that unicorn mask, and it has brought endless joy to my friends and family. He has gone shopping at Walgreens, picked people up at the airport, been on a wedding cruise…he’s literally a ton of fun. You need one in your life.

  344. I’m late replying to this, and I don’t really have anything to make you smile, but I do want to say thank you.
    My best friend died on June 6, and the night you posted this was the first night I tried (unsuccessfully) to sleep without drugging myself up. Reading about your horrible day helped me to feel a little less alone, and the rest made me smile, at a point where I didn’t think I was capable of doing so.
    I’m sorry it took so long to say this, but thank you for that little bit of brightness. It helped. You helped.

  346. Okay and apropos of nothing, last night I had a dream about airship pirates where I hid in a closet they found out I was fourteen (IRL I’m mid-30s) then later on I’m pretty sure there was some kind of train and there were definitely plutonium cookies. I kept trying to find a place to put them.

  347. Sorry I’m late to the party. We have a twin of your muffler man, though he seems to be going up for sale, so I’m not sure what’s happening to him, but here: http://www.roadsideamerica.com/tip/3086? Currently he’s been holding a pickaxe for mining gold, but we used to have one at a different part of town (or maybe the same one was moved) that held tires. We used to have a giant woman also, and I can’t remember what she advertised, but I always thought they should get together and date.

  349. Also, FWIW, to me it looks like the Anderson Ford man is supposed to be holding a shotgun or rifle, rather like what’s his face in The Rifle Man intro, as he strides down the street.

  350. Coked out eels, your husband’s name isn’t VICTOR?, the man holding nothing, I say a giant turkey leg. Those masks are hilarious. I’m with you, why is the man in the fish mask wearing a business suit? I hope your ailing friends are getting well. I hope you’re feeling better.

  352. I spent more than 36 hours on a respiratory so I was legally I died. I enjoy telling people that knew my past life that I died went to hell looked Satan in the eyes, shook his hand he looked at me and said son get back up top your to mean for down here. Then I wait for their reaction to my statement then I laugh uncontrollable about wetting my pants.

  353. Boring through your mind, through your tummy, through your anus, eels!

  354. I passed by this exact man today. He is currently holding what looks to be a branding iron.

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