Jesus, Siri.

Victor and I were having an argument about why we say that a pig says “oink” when really they make that piggy snorting noise.  I said it’s because the pigs snorty noise is impossible to spell but Victor disagreed so I turned to Siri and asked her for help:

jesus siri bloggess

Jesus, Siri.  

You need to get some help.

*******

And now, the weekly wrap-up…

Usually I use one of my weekly graphics here but I’m mixing it up today because my friend Natalie made me this and it makes me smile:

bloggess life is expensive

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:  

  • Nimona: A graphic novel.  (Nemisis!  Dragons!  Science! Symbolism!)  I finished it last night.  Hailey is devouring it now.

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Jethro Collins, author of Love in The Time of Contracts.  (Which is on sale now for only $2.99)  A little taste: Would you live a sparkling, glamorous lie for a few million dollars?
Hollywood action movie superstar John Hamilton has a secret, and he needs the perfect trophy wife to cover it up. Xanax-popping has-been actress Jenna Wells needs a miracle.  John’s double life is meticulously planned and concealed by the Association, a cult-like religious group made up of the Hollywood elite. The Association has the ability to make and break careers, forcing Jenna to play the part of the perfect fiancée.  Hollywood is a place where they’ll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul. Will Jenna take the money? Or will she follow her heart?  Click here to find out.

68 replies. read them below or add one

  1. 1
    ocularnervosa

    I’m laughing so hard I started coughing.

    Like

  2. I thought it was just me, but Siri does tend to over-think these things.

    Like

    Manicmom recently posted The shoe thing is complicated.

  3. what would I do w/o you to make my day!

    Like

  4. Good thing I’m the last person on earth with a stupid phone.

    Like

    Janet Coburn recently posted Pets, etc.: Alternatives to Cats.

  5. In fairness, no one can be blamed for advice dispensed by Yahoo Answers which exists in its own pocket universe where our physical laws do not apply.

    Like

    Sean Sandulak recently posted Unremarkable & Other Stories Ebook Now Available.

  6. Still, that is good goddamn advice.

    Like

    Michelle recently posted Rubber Shoes From Hell.

  7. Ha! I interviewed the voice of SIRI who is real, very smart, and cool. But SIRI on my phone can be incredibly stupid!

    (I’m pretty sure we follow each other on twitter. It’s insane the bizarre discussions we’ve had that she’s not even aware of. ~ Jenny)

    Like

    susielindau recently posted Friday Photo and an Invitation!.

  8. Ya know, it’s actually good advice. Not that I’d ever, in a million gazillion quadtrillion years ever try it.

    FWIW, the pigs I work with either make fun little low-pitched grunting noises or ear-piercing screeching screams. There seems to be absolutely no middle ground.

    Like

    Kelly @ Cibatarian recently posted Dinner at Cocoamoda.

  9. You could have just searched facebook for Catfish Cooley, it’s more of a snort only in reverse and with alcohol.

    Like

  10. I hate Siri. I can’t believe no one has bitchslapped her yet.

    Like

    terib19 recently posted BlogU15, Gift Cards and Charity....

  11. I’ve got Nimona on hold; I can’t wait to read it!

    Like

  12. 12
    Doug in Oakland

    It’s good advice unless you happen to be a pig yourself, in which case I’d have to say go for it…

    Like

  13. I asked Siri to call my husband the other day. She said she couldn’t find Snigglecoughbritches, so that’s now his new nickname.

    Like

  14. My god, Siri is a pervert. Also, pigs say “oink” because they’re communists, I think. That’s what I got out of Animal Farm, but maybe I just missed the point of Animal Farm.

    I also have to share one of my favorite things I have seen in a long time:

    Like

    Jackie recently posted How I leave my apartment when I am scared.

  15. We all seem to agree that it’s good advice. Perhaps Siri knows of a looming societal problem that we’re all unaware of.

    Like

  16. I’m quite concerned about how definite the answer giver is. Not one “never” but 2. Was the first time they tried not enough to persuade them? Also, you can’t spell the snort pigs make. Oink is closest.

    Like

    Kara recently posted Doctor Who – Fear Makes Companions of Us All.

  17. Would have really really loved a photo of the boy teddy bear — two flowers and a leaf? Thanks as always for brightening my day. Sometimes I think you don’t realize just how much you are helping, at least one person right here! xo

    Like

  18. That image is so going up as my facebook cover … fantastic. Yes people, life is hard, stop making it worse by being jerks for no reason.

    Like

  19. Obviously, Siri has not tried it.

    Like

    notquiteold recently posted How To Kick-Start Your Diet.

  20. I LOVE NIMONA! I’d been reading it online, and cried when it ended.

    Like

  21. I just love that chicken. It gets me laughing every time I see it. And the teddy bear cake, oh go take a pill and chill. Some Christians are just too full of themselves and want shit for free. I noticed in the story she didn’t offer to bring it back for refund. She wanted her cake and money too…lol. Cheap bitch.

    Like

  22. Ask Siri what the Fox Says. Make your whole day. I promise.

    Like

  23. Please make the rooster thing into a coffe cup. I need them.

    Like

  24. Haha, you can’t deny it’s good advice. Never have sex with a pig has a lot of merit to it. I need to ask Siri for more things. I hope you have a great day Jenny.

    Like

    Gary Lum recently posted Fried rice with quinoa and kale.

  25. Looks like Siri has been in the same internet back alleys I have been and can now never unsee :’-(

    Like

    trillie recently posted Fat Girl Running.

  26. I wish my Siri was as edgy as your Siri. I’m jealous (though disappointed you didn’t get your answer).

    Like

    Cary Vaughn recently posted Dear Rick Scarborough,.

  27. Did you see that Nimona has been optioned for an animated movie? http://io9.com/webcomic-nimona-is-getting-an-animated-adaptation-yes-1710698261

    Like

  28. To #4 I too don’t have a smartphone. Useless and annoying. Also my boss says I can ask hers questions, and I say NO. I hate it when machines talk to me. I avoid the self-checkout at WalMart like the plague. Machines should not talk to me. Period.

    And I totally need that picture as a shirt. I would totally wear it to 4th of July and scandalize my family.

    Like

  29. 29
    Jeremy Saklad

    That isn’t Siri’s fault, it just searched it in Google. Blame Google’s algorithm if you have to blame something.

    Like

  30. Did anti-gay marriage proponents take over Siri?

    Like

  31. No sex with a pig? That is the sort of advice that could destroy a person. Good lord, Siri.

    Like

    TheJackB recently posted Should You Blog When You’re Angry?.

  32. Siri is like that friend who you can’t tell if she’s joking or not.

    Like

    Shiny Butter recently posted I Feel So Used Now That My Congressman Has Thrown Me And My Close Friend The Internet Under The Bus.

  33. 33
    Trisha Rush

    Damn, Siri went there….

    Like

  34. On wine slushies… have you ever had the ones at the Wimberly Valley Winery in Driftwood? Because they’re blue, and awesome.

    Like

  35. 35
    fallconskat

    my opinion is that siri is us-centric. in different countries, they assign different words to animal noises…the only one i can think of off the top of my head is that in japan, dogs say “wung, wung” instead of “woof woof” or “bark bark” 🙂

    Like

  36. 36
    Amanda @ Diary of a Semi-Health Nut

    I mean..now you know, right? (no sex with pigs)

    Like

  37. I’m not even sure if this would be a correct usage of “confused,” but my brain thought you meant New York mixed up your identity with the identity of water. And I thought New York must be stupid because, no offense, but water is way more famous than you.

    Like

    dodo recently posted Thank God for Extinction.

  38. On my first trip to Russia in the early 90’s (as a student) I went to a fancy (for Moscow at least) restaurant with a Russian friend. My Russian language skills at the time were very poor; her English skills were non-existent. We were served a several course meal that included a meat entree (I don’t eat meat but that’s not the funny part). This unfamiliar meat was placed in front of me and I asked my friend, “What animal is this?”. She said the name but I didn’t know it. Then she said, “It goes, ‘Hroo-Hroo'”. And I was like, “What in the hell animal is THAT?”. She told me it had a circle nose and that’s when I realized it was a pig. And I told her our version was “Oink, oink”, which I agree doesn’t really sound correct. We spent the rest of our meal sharing Russian and English animal sounds. It was hysterical. Just your typical American tourist making-her-country-proud kind of moment you know…

    Like

    Gina W. recently posted Spring-loaded boobs. And dragon barrettes. Thanks Internet!.

  39. I grew up in Wigan. I’m not surprised by any if this. I left Wigan for the cleaner, more modest atmosphere of the city. There I could rest easy that the only teddy bears with vaginas for sale could be found in sex shops.

    Really not kidding about Wigan. It’s the kind of town where no one will tell you that you are putting vaginas on your teddy bears just to see how long you it takes you to stop.

    Like

  40. Ha! English-speaking cows say moo. Bengali-speaking cows say hamba. (I kid you not.) And seriously, I can hear both languages as being onomatopoeic.

    Like

    Sadia recently posted Toddler Thursday: Flying with Triplet Toddlers.

  41. Maybe Siri recently watched Deliverance! Also, dodo, I totally thought the same thing!

    Like

  42. You should snort like a pig at Siri, and see what she does. I had a friend who said that whenever she or her daughter snorted with laughter in the car, her phone would ask if it wanted to call me. Apparently SNORT somehow translates to “Please call my friend Deaux?” in binary.

    Like

  43. In case you haven’t figured it out yet, Siri has a wicked sense of humor!

    Like

  44. Thanks Jenny! Now I’ll be wondering about pig sounds all night! I’ll be drifting off into a fitful slumber when I’ll think ” We are a highly developed species, and oink is what we came up with! Who decides these things. And another thing! Fork is a weird word”

    Like

  45. I don’t let Siri type my texts for me anymore because she DOES NOT GET a Southern accent. AT. ALL. She will massacre anything I say. http://psb1969.blogspot.com/2013/01/arrgh-siri-you-beee-yotch.html

    Like

    Marianne recently posted When Pigs Fly.

  46. I want to see how he thinks it can be spelled

    Like

  47. I fear that I have been a bad influence on my friend Siri. Sorry. I entertain myself in traffic by sending swear-filled voice texts to my friends, and hearing Siri read them back to me. It cheers me up to hear her say, “Your message to Steff says, “Some fucking asshole in one of those douchebag Hummers just cut me off.” Would you like me to send it?”

    Yes, I am a 12 year old stuck in a 36 year old body.

    Like

    Megan Premo recently posted Me and My Many Mullets: A Gallery.

  48. Well, according to a Facebook post I saw last week SIRI might know more than we think. http://u842p409.ilykefunny.com/pregnant-texas-woman-claims-she-is-pregnant-by-a-pig/66669

    Like

  49. Everyone seems to think “never have sex with a pig” is good advice, but it’s bad advice if you’re a pig. If you’re a pig it should be “only have sex with a pig if both of you consent to it”.

    And according to an old French textbook I have the pig says “gron-gron”. That seems like a noise a lot of species, especially humans, make when having sex. But please only have sex within your own species. And with consent. Never have sex with someone else who doesn’t want to regardless of your species.

    Like

    Christopher recently posted Black Hole Sun..

  50. I’m starting to feel like Siri is that really drunk person at the end of the bar who just keeps chiming in on your conversation at random.

    Like

    Emelie recently posted This is why I don’t shop at real stores..

  51. Can you make that cartoon above a magnet?!? Love it!

    Like

  52. Okay, I must have as dirty of a mind as Siri, because all I can see when I look at the cartoon of the chicken is a pair of large testicles (under the beak) and a small, droopy penis (under the eye). I’m sorry if that ruins everything.😦

    Like

  53. Obviously, Suri has only one thing on her microchip.

    Like

    Musings, Rants & Scribbles recently posted How to Tell You’re a Really Good Dad… or the Night Poopsie Came to Town.

  54. Siri is a crafty one. I’ve just started using my mic to text and she nearly sent my friend a text that said, “I agree, Excrement!” I was not calling my friend s**t, promise. I had stumbled over “exclamation point.” I call her a dumb blonde (Siri, not my friend, silly) and she hates me for it . . .

    Like

    candidkay recently posted Catch me.

  55. On a totally different subject… Did you see this? http://www.upworthy.com/whats-it-like-living-with-mental-illness-ask-wil-wheaton

    (I didn’t have the chance to look above to see if anyone else posted this, so I apologize if it’s a repeat)

    Like

  56. I’ve always wanted to spell it “ugghnnk” because that’s how it sounds in my head but it doesn’t really work on paper. Also, there’s probably a “ch” in there I’m missing.

    Like

    White Girls Be Like recently posted Sylvia Plath Is A Buzz-Kill.

  57. 57
    Cranky Hermit

    Regarding the teddy bear – what frightens me the most is that a woman who gave birth thinks her vagina shows on her lower belly when she sits down. And that her church has a higher than average percentage of perverts (or equally ignorant people regarding vagina placement.) I feel sorry for the girl.

    Like

  58. If Siri wasn’t around I’d probably be having sex with pigs. Thanks for the advice Siri!

    Like

  59. I guess having sex with a pig would bring new meaning to the phrase “bring home the bacon”.

    Think I’ll be a vegan now. Thanks.

    Like

    Rob R recently posted My Nine Circles Of Hell.

  60. This is Sirius! Can a pig be disgruntled?

    Like

  61. Just. No.

    I never fail to be in awe of the answers I didn’t want to see, to perfectly innocent search queries.

    Like

    stef recently posted Things Are Looking Up, but Pink Hasn't Called Yet....

  62. I bought the collins book for my kindle and read it in 2 days. Thanks for the tip!🙂 And also reminding me to never ever have sex with a pig. ha!

    Like

  63. Perhaps Siri has viewed Deliverance one too many times. I hate her. She makes that Joaquin Phoenix movie about falling in love with the voice in his phone complete bullshit.

    Like

    kstewand4cats recently posted A Poo of Intent.

  64. 64
    DarthMama

    On that haughty stare you received when you ordered tap water in NYC — don’t worry, no matter what you ordered, you would have received that same haughty stare. It’s included in the service here. Feel free to tip extra because of it.

    And for Siri’s admonition — some animals are more equal than others.

    Like

  65. 65
    FordaMill

    Well, I’m off to buy a lottery ticket because…I JUST SCORED A FURIOUSLY HAPPY PRE-PUB!! And I don’t even care about the side-eyes I’m getting from my co-workers as I sit vibrating in my chair.

    Like

  66. I am going to do it. I am finally going to MAKE my husband commit to filming our children. No, not them. The other ones. You see, I know YOU of all all people will understand this. We have these… other children. One is an Otter. Her name is Petey (short for Peter B. Jamie, so her initials are PBJ Otter.), and does she ever have ‘otter-tude’! Another is Jelly, and he’s a pig. Petey talks, much like you or I, but she’s only 6 years old. Jelly is a pig, and as such sounds like a pig.

    Mostly, I do most of Petey’s voice, and Doug does all of Jelly… because I can’t . It’s a gift. Once you hear it, you’ll understand. And then you will also KNOW what sound a pig makes. And you can tell Siri.🙂

    And hopefully you’ll laugh as well. A lot of my posts will make a LOT more sense, like this one, the day after surgery on my foot, as I said goodbye to my husband, whom I refer to as “The Saint”:

    I kissed the Saint goodbye, and told him, “Have a good day”. His response was Mnyahun.

    I said, “Mnyahun? What’s Mnyahun? How the hell do you spell mnyahun?”

    “O. I. N. K.”

    I almost fell out of bed laughing. The stuffed piglet and sheep both stuck their heads up and said, ” Nuh uhn!”

    Yes, they DID give me some great meds. No, I’m NOT hallucinating. You’d have to meet the stuffed pig and sheep sometime. it would make a lot more sense.
    Petey the Otter said, “Daddy, you can’t say tings like Mommy, how you spell Mnyahun? Daddy, you gettin mommy all confused!”
    Yes, Petey…and everyone else, too.
    Good morning my boys, family, friends and loved ones. And anyone else that’s nuts enough to either read, or even more, understand this post. laugh Welcome to my life!

    Like

  67. Never pork the pork. Got it.

    Like

    Kristine @ MumRevised recently posted Who is Mum Revised?.

  68. Nimona is the best!

    Like

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