Hello. It’s me.

When I was in Arizona a few months ago I saw several things that I forgot to write about because I lost my journal.  But I just found it so here goes:

The first was this cactus, which seems to be wanting to escape.  It’s as if it was being a normal cactus and then suddenly said “Nope.  Fuck this bullshit.  I’M OUT” and then started burrowing into the ground.  It’s comforting to know even cactuses want to go into hiding every once in a while.

It's like the cactus on the left is all "WHERE IS THE BOOZE" and the one on the left is like, "Jesus, Miriam.  Not again."

It’s like the cactus on the right is all “WHO WANTS TO SEE MY BOOBIES?” and the one on the left is like, “Jesus, Miriam. Not again.” And Miriam is like “YOU DON’T OWN ME, KEVIN.  YOU HAD A CHANCE WITH THESE BOOBIES AND YOU BLEW IT” and Kevin is all “We’re getting a divorce.”

I also had an issue with mild paranoia because I felt like I was being watched and it turns out that I was being watched.  By this cactus.

Huh.

This cactus is very judgey.

And I was also being watched by a wild animal.  I live-tweeted it because I didn’t know what it was and twitter is like accessing the hive-mind.  Click here if you can’t see the video below:

Several people suggested it was an iguana but I explained that it was too fat to be an iguana and that I couldn’t properly capture how big it was.  Like, if it was a wallet I’d say, “This wallet’s too big.”

Apparently was the missing descriptor because then several people told me that the not-a-wallet was a chuckwalla, which I’d never heard of before in my life, but turns out it’s a lizard whose secret power is running so fast that it faints and also blowing itself up so fat that it becomes unable to be pulled out of crevices.  And I was like, defensively fat and fainty?  I’ve found my Patronus.

This is a real thing.  It's the size of a deflated football.

This is a real thing. It’s the size of a deflated football.

I made this last night when I was too sick to sleep:

It's weird that this graphic didn't exist until I made it.

It’s weird that this graphic didn’t exist until I made it.

There needs to be a better ending to this but Hailey and I are sick and going to the doctor so just give me the benefit of the doubt and pretend I said something hilarious.  Or yell at me and I will get fat and faint on you.  Choose wisely.

UPDATED:  Hailey and I have upper-respiratory ridiculousness so we’re on steroids and sleeping-on-the-couch therapy.  Someone send soup and give us good suggestions for what to watch on Netflix.

185 replies. read them below or add one

  1. “And I was like, defensively fat and fainty? I’ve found my Patronus.”

    Best line I’ve read in a while. Nicely done.🙂

    Like

  2. Fat and fainty.
    ummm – love it

    Like

  3. 4
    countingsheepstudio

    That remark about the cacti boobies just made me snort – thank-you!

    Like

    countingsheepstudio recently posted Inside Out.

  4. I think you found the patronus for half the women in the country.

    Like

    Elyse recently posted There <i>IS</i> a Difference.

  5. You so should not wander the desert alone and/or unsupervised;I learned something new today thanks to you; you and Hailey feel better soon.

    And your captions are hilarious; trademark that graphic!

    Like

  6. “I will get fat and faint on you.” <= my new retort to all people who are assholes to me and also now my new favorite aspirational superpower. getting fat and fainting on people >>> flying, because we have planes for that.

    I hope you and Hailey feel better soon!

    Like

    Jackie recently posted Thank you!.

  7. Some of the responses to the fat and fainty lizard video are awesomely funny – the one I liked best was – Jenny’s new mantle piece, but your graphic would probably look nicer.

    Like

    Vanessa D. recently posted Fabric Remorse.

  8. You’re sick and still are able to pull off a funny as shit post. Kudos, Bloggess, you are the blogging master. Hope you and Hailey get better soon!

    Like

    kdcol recently posted But do credit cards grow on trees?.

  9. That Shrek balloon… Do. Not. Want.
    Like the monitors swimming in Asian sewers.
    No. That’s not how sewers work.

    Like

  10. THAT CACTUS IS SPOOKY! its like it threw it’s arms ups to scare you. That is a Tim Burton Cacti

    Like

  11. 12
    Doug in Oakland

    Get well soon, both of you. If you are ever riding your motorcycle in the desert, don’t forget to pee when you get the chance; it’s miserable needing to pee but not wanting to get left behind…

    Like

  12. OMG. “Gets fat; faints defensively” would be the best subheader on a resume ever. I really want to update my linkedin now.

    Like

    Alice recently posted It's been a while since I posted a nice embarrassing story about myself.

  13. I need a “Chuckwalla is my Patronus” T-shirt!

    Like

  14. 15
    ocularnervosa

    It looks like Shrek’s balloon.🙂

    Like

  15. If that’s what a patronus is, then mine is the hog-nose snake. When I’m threatened, I flop on my back, pretend I’m dead and piss myself.

    Like

  16. Get well soon! I hope ya don’t bloat up like a chuckwalla.

    Like

    Anubis Bard recently posted A Summer Honey Harvest.

  17. Holy judge-y cactus. That thing gives my cut-eye a run for its money.

    Like

    NancyTex recently posted fixing my body was easy, my brain, not so much.

  18. I nee the shirt too!!

    Like

    Michele recently posted Mental Draino.

  19. love. lots of love and laughter. Thank you! Can’t wait to go to your book signing in Dayton, OH. 🙂

    Like

  20. it sort of looks like a miniature gila monster. Also? I wish there was a “like” button for comments.

    Like

    Marianne recently posted Airing your laundry.

  21. Haha, pretty epic patronus🙂

    Like

    Chloe recently posted Transforming Fear into Excitement.

  22. I think I meant Komodo dragon. Sorry, I confused my lizards.

    Like

    Marianne recently posted Airing your laundry.

  23. Fat and fainting…awesome super power.

    Feel Better.

    Like

  24. Yeah, the judgey-cactus might be staring at you but HE needs to take a good look in the mirror because his teeth are pretty ugly. Like really ugly. There– how does THAT feel judgey-cactus? Also, I would have been nervous taking a video clip of the unknown wallet-animal. The whole time I would be thinking, “That thing is going to jump out of that crevice and attach itself to my face. I just know it.” I’m so glad that didn’t happen to you. But if it had, hello, awesome blog post. Either way it’s all good.

    Like

    Gina W. recently posted Booze Cruise Down the Volga River.

  25. You are fabulous.

    Like

  26. When we moved to Florida I had to mow a sandy patch of lawn, and when I did one day this creature poked its head out of the ground. It looked like a combination of the Alien monster and Jiminy Cricket. I found out later that it was a mole cricket, and that it and its friends were eating the grass starting with the roots. Strange world….A few weeks later I almost walked face first into a banana spider that was as wide around as my palm. It had strung its web across my driveway. I nearly dropped the trash I was hauling to the curb. “Welcome to Florida,” I thought.

    Like

  27. I can’t stop laughing:). Perfect patronus for sooo many of us. I’m thinking of combining and axolotl and an aye aye (see here: http://divaboo.info/) b/c they represent my happy and let’s just say less than happy sides:). A hybrid Patronus, of sorts.

    Like

    candidkay recently posted I want to be a ballerina.

  28. Patronus or spirit animal, the chuckwalla is awesome!! and that cactus is seriously creepy. Feel better soon, both of you!!!

    Like

  29. I went to high school with Chuck Walla. Nice guy, quiet, kept to himself, mostly.

    Like

  30. Get well soon! Some cactus are just big pricks.

    Like

    Brian recently posted not a joke.

  31. The Hot Flashes and NCIS. Feel better.

    Like

  32. I’m very happy to see that your patronus line resonated with many people. As for Netflix. The first thing I ever binged on was Fringe. I also loved Warehouse 13.

    Like

    Kara recently posted Orphan Black Season 3 Blooper Reel.

  33. I love that my pet cactus shows the history of my neglect. Other plants just die, but that one holds on deliberately to say “SEE! LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO ME! OH, THE SUFFERING!”

    Like

  34. On my honeymoon, we came across a saguaro cactus with 2 arms, 2 legs, and….umm…he looked VERY well endowed if you catch my drift. We still have a photo of it somewhere. MY husband said, this is one reason why I love you….you take photos of kinky cacti.Little did he know I’m not right in the head….really, my literary hero (that’s you, Jenny/Bloggess) I think our minds were separated at birth.

    Like

    gem recently posted When in Oregon.....

  35. So my Facebook feed showed your caption “I’ve found my patronus” with a big picture of a cactus and I was thinking Jenny, you’re doing it wrong. A patronus has to chase down the dementors, not just sit there and wait for them to impale themselves on it…

    Like

  36. 37
    jessicarolin

    Chuckwalla is the name of my Chumbawumba cover band.

    Like

  37. Check out The Imposter. It is amazing!

    Like

  38. Netflix suggestion: THE SECRET OF ROAN INISH. John Sayles movie, beautifully done.I can’t believe it took 22 years before I watched it.

    Like

  39. I live in Arizona where we have many a saguaro and you my friend have found the best one out there. He looks completely disappointed and a bit horrified. I wish he lived in my backyard.

    Like

  40. I recommend The Imposter on Netflix. It is a wild ride.

    Like

  41. Must. Watch. Zombeavers. Too. Ridiculous. To. Not. Watch. Again…

    Like

    Shawna recently posted Tales Of A Flea Market Flip Failure.

  42. And that’s why I love living in Arizona: nowhere else can you get judgy [come on, spellcheck, that totally is a word] cacti and inflatable lizards all in one place. And that’s just the beginning of the weird. I have baby gila monsters living in my garage. They are adorable and poisonous and bitey [also a word] and fearless, and I found out that if one bites you it will latch on and then you have to go to the hospital to get it removed but the hospital can’t give you any pain meds because the meds might make the gila monster sick. How awesome is that?? Side note: I now wear boots to enter my garage.

    I can’t send soup because I’m a crappy cook and it would make you worse. I’m not even sure I should give you Netflix recommendations, since I have very odd taste. Although I do highly recommend my particular cure for any sort of illness: equal parts Doctor Who, Neil Gaiman (reading is good when your eyes get tired of TV), and lemon tea with whisky in it. No whisky tea for Hailey, even though my parents let me drink it when I was a kid. Come to think of it, that explains so much.

    Feel better.

    Like

  43. I think you already know what to watch. I mean you just used the word patronus . Harry Potter 3. Because you can never watch HP enough.

    Like

  44. I recommend Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt for Netflix watching whilst sick. Feel better soon!

    Like

  45. Watch “Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries.” They’re awesome!

    Like

  46. Netflix = Grace and Frankie!!!!!!!!

    Like

  47. MASH because I love the story, the humor and the humanity – as far as your patronus, it’s a pretty darn cool one…feel better and be glad that you are recording every fever induced moment to reexamine and laugh at later! (I’m not sure what is going on with the first cactus one, but I don’t really know that I’ve seen a lot of cactus in real life, so I can’t seem to figure out what all is going on in the photo! I laughed a lot though, so thank you!)

    Like

  48. 49
    Amanda Phillips

    Unbreakable Kimmy, Miss Fisher’s mysteries, Parks and Recreation, Rosemary and thyme, The IT crowd.

    Like

  49. Netflix: An Honest Liar. It was great. I’m making curry for dinner tonight. Sorry I’m a couple states away and can’t bring some…

    Like

  50. I second The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt on Netflix. And there was also a horror movie I watched that wasn’t horrific called something like The Big Ass Spider. Kid you not. And it was actually really, REALLY good. Totally self aware script writing, pretty darn humorous, bad special effects – there is nothing to not like. Though that doesn’t explain why my husband won’t watch it. (He’s sadly not well endowed in “let’s choose a scifi/scary movie that’s so bad it’s funny category. Sharknado? Over his head. But I still love him. )

    Like

  51. Oh noes! Feel better soon, ladies. Family friendly and Netflixable? I highly recommend The Extraordinary Adventures of Adèle Blanc-Sec. Sublimely described as a brilliant, sexy adventurer named Adèle Blanc-Sec has discovered a dinosaur egg – and now a pterodactyl threatens steampunk Paris!

    Like

  52. I have the same problem with patronuses (patroni?) that I have with furries. Everybody always claims that their spirit animal is a wolf or a jaguar or a fox or some other sexy, majestic animal. Nobody is ever like, “I have the spirit of a naked mole rat or a blobfish or a one-legged stork.” That’s just not real life, people. As for me, I’m firmly content with the fact that my patronus/spirit-animal-if-I-were-inclined-to-be-a-furry is probably a mosquito. I suck the life out of all those around me, and I enjoy every single sip.

    Like

    helleanorrigby recently posted A Sassy Canadian Tells You What's Up.

  53. Hector’s search for happiness is a wonderful funny film – enjoy on Netflix.

    Like

  54. Oh, and as for mandatory TV watching, obviously the answer is The Wire. You can never get yourself too much of Mr. Omar Little. On second thought, you have your kid. Um… maybe they have a PG version of this inner city story somewhere?

    Like

    helleanorrigby recently posted A Sassy Canadian Tells You What's Up.

  55. 56
    AlohaKarina in Maine

    Hawaii Five-0 seasons one through four on Netflix. Because Alex O’Loughlin. And Carguments. If you haven’t seen H50 yet, you need to watch it just for the Carguments. It’s what it sounds like. Arguments in a car. With two gorgeous men. Who you swear should be married to each other. The first episode is a lot of blowing-uppy-type stuff but trust me it just gets better and better.

    Oh. And Hawaii. Must not forget the scenery.

    Upper respiratory stuff is my nemesis. Just got over it myself. Zithromax and Prednisone powers, unite!!!

    Like

  56. I second (third? Fifteenth?) Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. So good.

    Like

  57. Here’s a song that you need to hear if you haven’t. I mean, graveyards, fine, everything gets better even though it’s hard! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBB1Dgk3coM

    Love your stuff, thank you for sharing.

    Like

  58. Ah! I am in possession of a kindred illness, I have pre-bronchitis respiratory inflammation. Or whatever this is. Hot tea & NCIS seem to be an excellent restorative. I hope you both feel better very very soon’

    Like

  59. 60
    TheMerchantOfMenace

    We should take you to the desert more often. Have you visited our Death Valley? You probably have, because I know I haven’t. I do know, however, that nothing lives there except rocks that race each other on a racetrack. Well, probably a chuckwalla. And more than one peccary (Texans likely call them “javelinas,” because Spanish). OKgetbedderloveyoubye.

    Like

  60. I know you’ve already seen it, but who can resist watching Stardust again?

    Otherwise, I haven’t seen you mention it before…you should watch Avatar: The Last Airbender. It is AMAZING, for ALL ages😀 You won’t regret it ^_~

    Like

    TOTOKITTY recently posted First Impressions.

  61. Oh my gosh. The patronus line was my favorite thing you’ve ever said.

    Like

    Karen Marie Peterson recently posted Tales from the Terminal: Travel Horror Stories.

  62. Feel better, you two!! I HIGHLY recommend “Grace & Frankie” on Netflix. I fell in love and have been mildly obsessed with it.

    Like

  63. Tig Notaro’s documentary currently streaming on Netflix. It’s good.
    Then August 22 on HBO she has another special, looking forward to that too.🙂
    Hope you and Hailey feel better soon❤

    Like

    My Bleeding Ink recently posted Soundtrack of my Life.

  64. I’d like to hold a festival and call it “Chuckwalla”. It would be held somewhere nice and shady with real bathrooms because I would hold it all day to avoid using a porta potty. Everyone could bring their favorite beverage, premixed in a 2-gallon thermal jug like construction workers use, so we can stay hydrated. And, of course, there would be plenty of people there whose main job was to tell everyone how amazing they are, that color looks great on you, and I love what you’ve done with your hair.

    If you haven’t watched Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, turn it on right now and binge-watch the whole thing. You’ll instantly feel much, much better.

    Like

  65. I just ploughed through 4 seasons of Shameless. It’s a great way to make you feel like a good parent! Feel better soon🙂

    Like

  66. If you have Hulu you should watch Moone Boy. It’s amazing.

    Like

  67. Watch Kung Pow. So many quotable stupid lines, and if you’re too sick to take in actual words, there’s plenty of even more stupid sight gags. And product placement!

    Like

  68. Call the Midwife, the 4400, H2O Just Add Water. Feel better!!

    Like

    Cassie recently posted lost amongst the willows.

  69. 70
    Holly Wibbens

    You and Hailey should watch An Idiot Abroad with Ricky Gervais’ friend Karl Pilkington. It is on Netflix and so funny and interesting!

    Like

  70. Leverage, Gilmore Girls, That 70s Show, My Boys.

    Also, that is amazing that graphic didn’t exist before.

    Like

    Jessica recently posted Does Babywearing Count As Tummy Time?.

  71. @helleanorrigby… my Patronus is a Galapagos tortoise because I am large, a slow walker, and sometimes tempted to hide in a big-ass shell when the world seems awful.

    Jenny – I recommend Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries or Call the Midwife on Netflix.

    Like

  72. Cut Throat Kitchen is great if you like cooking shows. Alton Brown is hilarious. Teeth is a hilarious B Movie but not kid safe. Heathers is one of my favorites. Sharknado 1 and 2 is on there. Sharknado 3 is on SyFy Wednesday Night at 9 est.

    Like

  73. Hope you guys feel better soon! I don’t have nexflix but on Hulu there is a really sweet documentary about Tiny Houses. They also have 26 seasons of Survivor. I enjoyed re-watching some of my favorites. Oh, what about Modern Family and Blackish? Those are both fun shows.

    Like

    Shari recently posted New Book The Secret Lives of the Harvested.

  74. I’m sorry you two are sick. I suggest watching The League Of Gentlemen (British comedy). Hilarious, but probably not suitable for your daughter until she’s a few years older.

    Like

  75. You’ve seen Tucker and Dale vs Evil, I presume? It’s everything and more.

    Like

  76. I always watch Spaced or Leverage when I’m feeling sick

    get well soon

    Like

  77. http://www.mirror-pole.com/horned_lizard/horned_lizards.html
    Or it may be a horned lizard. They can be pretty puffy too!

    Like

  78. I see cactus boobs as the next big genre on PornHub.

    Like

    Rob R recently posted Pool. Party For One..

  79. Did you touch an armadillo? It could be plague?!!??😉

    Like

  80. Netflix recommendations are not PG13 or younger, but just for yourself Grace and Frankie, and Sense8. Have Victor go pick you up some good chicken pho, extra ginger. Works wonders. Love you, sweetie. Take care.

    Like

  81. Take care, girls. I don’t know what you should watch on Netflix, but don’t forget Sharknado 3 tomorrow night on Syfy!

    Like

  82. When Dan and I were in Arizona, we saw what we thought was a rattlesnake’s shed skin. It turned out to be a duct tape’s shed skin. I’m embarrassed at how long it took us to figure that out.

    Like

  83. Someone call Soup Peddler to get them some soup!! (I love their Tomato basil soup and grilled cheese sandwich!)

    E

    Like

    quoylette recently posted Animal rescue..failure….

  84. You need mindless entertainment….I vote for an “Absolutely Fabulous” marathon (though I don’t know if it’s even available on Netflix)…nothing more mindless and entertaining than than.😉 Sending healing vibes out to the cosmos for you and Haley!

    Like

  85. The Last Unicorn is on Netflix. That seems like a good movie for you both to watch together.

    Like

  86. Binge-watching the entire first season of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt might be better than chicken soup! 🙂

    Like

  87. I’ve lived in Arizona for 12 years, and I never see weird stuff. It’s always visitors on like their first day. I’m jealous of your chuckwalla.

    Like

  88. Get well soon, you two! Try That 70’s Show on Netflix. Just started it and it’s hilarious. 90’s Topher Grace is ❤

    Like

  89. 90
    OldTomBumble

    The bletchley circle… women who were decoders during WWII work together to solve the case of a serial killer while also fighting sexism by their husbands and police. Creepy, smart, and I happen to love everything from WWII era with an english accent.

    Like

  90. Another thought occurred to me, “fat and fainty”… what if farty was also part of those superpowers?! Fat, fainty and farty! You blow up, pass out and pass gas! You might even be self propelled!
    I should probably stop talking as I am just embarrassing myself.
    This is why I stay home a lot.

    E

    Like

    quoylette recently posted Animal rescue..failure….

  91. You know whose patrons this thing really is? This guy: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_Chvala. That is exactly how you say the name of one of Wisconsin’s former state senators who went to prison for a few years. I mean, EXACTLY.

    Like

  92. 93
    Wildrider51

    Chuckwallas will eat your flowers right in front of you because they know you won’t stop them. They’ll walk along your wall and just eat the blossoms, going all “ha, screw you, you’re just sitting there and staring at me, you won’t stop me!”

    This happened to my sister-in-law in her garden.

    Can’t beat Arizona flora and fauna. We have to have something to make up for the crazies.

    Like

  93. Gilmore Girls. Great series to binge watch with a young lady

    Like

  94. Hope you and Hailey feel better soon. Not sure if it’s to your taste, but I am watching a British whodunit series called Rosemary & Thyme on Netflix right now. (Well, I’ll be watching again after Sharknado 3 airs tomorrow.)

    Like

    Sue recently posted Mentors who changed my life - Norman VanDeCamp.

  95. You must watch Unbreakable. Period. Kimmy Schmidt is amazing. And you know there is the whole living in a cult underground thing…

    Liked by 1 person

  96. 97
    Ethel Mertz

    I recommend The New Girl on Netflix. Zooey Deschanel is adorable and quirky and slightly socially awkward.
    Feel better soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  97. Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries on Netflix are AWESOME. Feminist, great clothing, and intrigue without too much gore.

    Like

  98. Fat & fainty. That’s my DJ name. Netflix: you have to watch Tig. Loved it so much. Grace & Frankie, like everyone is saying. I just started watching Rake so the jury is still out. I watched An Honest Liar because you recommended it. I think I’m s few years behind you. I just discovered Firefly & Serenity last weekend so my heart is freshly broken. If you have Amazon you just have to watch Vicious. Feel better, you two.

    Like

  99. Wish I were close enough to deliver soup. Instead I’m sending healing thoughts. As for Netflix, check out The IT Crowd. British tech humor.

    Like

  100. SENSE8. Sense8 is fucking awesome! I hope you feel better soon

    Like

    Michelle recently posted 10 Lessons We Learned From Barbie.

  101. The Labyrinth. Don’t confuse than with Pan’s Labyrinth.

    Like

  102. IT Crowd, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Magic School Bus, Bill Nye. If you have Amazon Prime you should totally watch Sabrina the Teenage Witch cause it was awesome and totally underrated. I’m fighting the same stuff you are and I’m watching NCIS right now. Feel better.

    Like

    laura recently posted Keep Walking On The Path.

  103. Judgey cactus has seen some shit.

    Like

    Jen Donohue recently posted My flash story "Adventuring" in Episode 65 of Far-Fetched Fables.

  104. Watch Doctor Who; it makes everything better. Hope you get well soon!

    Like

  105. OK, people suggesting comedies are obviously trying to kill you–do not fall for it. Laughing when you have respiratory crap going on is no joke. When in doubt, rewatch Doctor Who, that’s always my plan.

    When you’re better, though, totally watch The IT Crowd. It’s awesome.

    Like

  106. 107
    tehtimmah1

    Does Netflix have ‘Spirited Away’? That is an awesome movie for mother and daughter bonding time. Also ‘Howl’s Moving Castle’ and ‘Kiki’s Delivery Service’

    Like

  107. 108
    Katherine Smith

    Have you seen “Troll Hunter” yet? Any of the “Jane Eyre” movies are great, too. (Even though they take liberties with the real story.)

    Like

  108. I love that this is just how you go through life thinking about stuff. It’s magical. And so hilarious. Feel better, you both.

    Like

  109. Antarctica, a year on the ice(I believe its called on Netflix) is very entertaining and cool for adults and kids.

    Like

  110. Make sure you rest a lot and keep from deciding you’re magically better which leads you to doing stuff and then getting pneumonia. Because that just happened to me last month.

    Anyway, Jenny, I had thought that we’d make good travel companions (based on nothing whatsoever) but after watching your chuckwalla video, I’m not so sure. I was yelling at you from my computer, “Stop moving, Jenny! JENNY! Just…no! Not like that. I can’t see it! Ugh, just…here, let me” and then you were like, “Back off, bitch. This is MY Instagram and then my blog and I’m doing the best I can, here, with this weird alien creature. It’s probably contaminated and I’m saving your life by keeping you back.” Then I called my brother on the phone and demanded he get down here and catch this thing with his bare hands so we could examine it and he was all angry because he was busy and he’s sick of me calling me to do my dirty work all the time.
    I now realize it’s for the best that we don’t travel together, you and I…or, actually, even know each other because, man, we’re argumentative.

    Like

  111. If you haven’t already watched them, Agents of SHIELD and Agent Carterare both fun to watch!

    Like

  112. 114
    Anonymous

    Netflix suggestion = Supernatural. Start with Season 1 for hot boys hunting monsters, with lots and lots of feels thrown in for good measure.

    Like

  113. Have you seen Tucker and Dale vs Evil? If so, then it’s always worth a re-watch. If not, what are you waiting for??!!! Alan Tudyk is hilarious! Also, I’ve seen other comments recommending The IT Crowd. Yes!
    Also, hope you both feel better soon.

    Like

  114. Can you get Dead Like Me on Netflix? Only around for two seasons, so you can binge watch without losing touch with the world. Funny and quirky and sad and touching and true and funny and thought provoking and bittersweet and weird and funny. Superb acting from a superb cast. Extremely well written and well made. Substantially family friendly with the potential to pave the way for some good mom/kiddo girl-talk. Episode five from season one is my absolute favorite—if you only watch one, make it that one.

    So, so sorry to hear the two of you are unwell. Thank goodness Victor can bring you cool compresses and kiss each of your fevered brows (because he’s still well and will rise to the occasion—right Victor?). I shall take this opportunity to publicly whine. I, myself, have been feeling under the weather. S o o o t i r e d d d. Did NOT expect the validation of Epstein Barr titres of 628 and 399 that are each supposed to be under 18. Goody.

    So, for the two of you, gallons of hot tea with milk and honey, hot honey and lemon (and a slugga somethin in yours) (and my recent favorite to quell a cough, Ouzo, neat), and for all of us, soft, soft pjs, lots of throw blankets, and unscheduled naps wherever and whenever we happen to doze off.

    Sorry about the length of this comment. I had more to say than I thought I did. Sending hugs.

    Like

  115. LABYRINTH. David Bowie in tights, with puppets puppets. Cool ones. Also, the Bog of Eternal Stench, which makes farting noises, and a teenage heroine. You can’t really go wrong with a mother-daughter experience like that.

    Like

    Megan P. recently posted Does This Amy Schumer Make Me Look Fat?.

  116. Hope you’re feeling well soon. Netflix: The Wrong Mans, Lost in Austen, Broadchurch

    Like

  117. Hilarious! You should watch the spectaculars. Its with Robin Williams and it’s a great sitcom. They only have one season on Netflix and that may be the only one. But he was his usual funny self. Be sure to watch all the way through to the credits so that you can see the spoofs! Guaranteed to make you feel better! Get well soon.

    Like

  118. Sense 8 – super cool plot. Perfect for people on steroids! lol

    Like

    Mary-Anne recently posted A fifth of music.

  119. You need mint chocolate chip ice cream (the green kind) and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Repeat until feeling alive again. Trust me on this.

    Like

  120. You need mint chocolate chip ice cream (the green kind) and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Repeat until feeling alive again.

    Like

  121. I started watching Breaking Bad on Netflix, and now I’m addicted. I’m on season 3 of 5 currently.

    Like

  122. Hope you guys feel better soon! Until you do:

    Agents of Shield
    Daredevil
    Once Upon a Time
    Hart of Dixie
    Gilmore Girls
    All the Dr Who! (probably reruns for you but obviously still must be included)
    FRIENDS

    Like

  123. 125
    Desert Lily

    The first cactus is probably broken on that stalk, so it fell over but kept growing. They are oddly fragile. Crunchy on the outside, but all squishy inside that thin hard shell. Like good french fries. Anyway, so an animal or something hits it, it breaks, bends and then just grows funky depending on where it bent.
    As for the judgy saguaro, if it helps it’s at least like 100 yrs old. And the eye holes look like cactus wren nesting holes. So it’s a grumpy old home for birds cactus. Like if Hagrid was a saguaro? Wow, I’m all about the metaphors today….

    Like

  124. Watch the cirque du Soleil movie Works Away on Netflix! It stitches together footage from a bunch of their shows and is beautiful and magical

    Like

  125. Totally agree re: Gilmore Girls — perfect comfort food when you feel crappy — and also Orphan Black, which is mind-blowingly awesome and twisty. I started watching this with my own daughter, and we are OBSESSED.

    Feel better, sweet girls!

    Like

  126. The judgey cactus isn’t really judgey. It’s waving to you. It’s just very reserved. And tired, because standing out in the desert all day can be exhausting. You’ve got other cacti screaming out their boobies and lizards getting fat and fainting all over the place.

    Feel better soon. If I could I’d send hot and sour soup from this great Chinese restaurant I found. You can tell it’s great because they don’t have furniture. I think their menu has “Get your food and get the fuck out” printed on it.

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    Christopher recently posted The People You Meet..

  127. For tv shows, I highly recommend the awesomeness of French and Saunders. Their specials are fabulous, but I also love the tv shows that feature these two awesome ladies: Absolutely Fabulous, The Vicar of Dibley, and Clatterford. Laughter is the best medicine!

    Like

  128. Feel better soon!

    May I suggest Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries on Netflix? Super awesome female sleuth in 1928 Melbourne Australia, with kickass clothes, amazing car, golden gun, and the ability to do whatever the heck she wants to. Ep 1 is pretty darn good, and Ep 2 is where I got hooked. 🙂

    Like

  129. Watch The Almighty Johnsons. Nordic Gods living as humans in New Zealand.

    Like

  130. For your binge watching pleasure, I recommend: Bob’s Burgers, & Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. After Haily guess to bed, I’d watch Orange is the New Black and Absolutely Fabulous. Feel better!

    Like

  131. 133
    Anonymous

    Netflix: For pure silliness: Malcolm in the Middle

    Like

  132. I’d agree with everyone else on Kimmy Schmidt. I’d also second Avatar: The Last Airbender (and The Legend of Korra, while you’re at it). Genuinely funny and thoughtful; ostensibly a kids show but some really excellent writing and well developed characters. (i.e everything the live action version was not).

    I’ve been binge watching Orange is the New Black on Netflix…but as others have said, might be a bit risqué for Hailey.

    Like

  133. A clip to evangelize Avatar (if you haven’t seen it):

    and some lovely people cosplaying the Kyoshi warriors:

    Like

  134. 136
    Lauren Bellflower

    From my own experience, sounds like Hailey brought home “camp Plauge”, thats what us counselors call it. I am just recovering from the strain i obtained.

    Like

  135. get well soon girls! so nice you girls have companion when you are sick and spending the day on the couch watching television.

    Like

    deliriouspancake recently posted Why I avoided Donald Duck like crazy at Disneyland.

  136. Hope you both feel better soon. Definitely recommend Sens8 on Netflix, but rated R. Not really Haley appropriate (but my 20 y/o daughter and I loved it).

    Like

  137. The lizard is the size of a deflated football? So it’s Binomial name must be Tomus Bradius.

    Like

  138. 140
    Kylene Barnett

    Not sure about availability on Netflix, but The Thief and the Cobbler is a great cartoon. And The Book of Kells, also a great cartoon. Feel better!

    Like

  139. I one-hundredth recommend Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. You’ll laugh out loud, cringe sometimes and maybe pee yourself just a tiny bit.

    Like

  140. If you’re still looking for binge watching ideas…get thee over to rifftraxlive.com! Bad movies, made funny. I’d recommend staying with their Sharknado work.

    Like

  141. Ummm, starting with, not staying with. I mean, come on autocorrect, no one wants to stay in a Sharknado!

    Like

  142. I highly recommend SAVING GRACE with Holly Hunter, if it’s on Netflix. About a cynical cop in Oklahoma and her “last chance” angel. Might not be daughter-suitable tho.

    Like

  143. Best. Patronus. EVER.

    Like

    Lynette recently posted Fan-Hitty Shitty.

  144. Now that I think about it, watch Kung Pow on your own. You can see highlights for free on YouTube. They took an old, bad kung fu movie, cut in their own actor as the “chosen one,” and dubbed in all new lines. Hilarious.

    Like

  145. The chuckwalla is my new spirit animal because I am fat and faint too! Thanks for introducing us!

    Like

  146. Watch Lilyhammer. It is so funny, but it might be inappropriate for Hailey due to swear words. If you mind those, I don’t.

    Like

  147. I would tell you guys to watch the 1967 Dragnet for Jack Webb goodness, but those boogers on Netflix took it off, because apparently we can’t have nice things.

    Like

  148. Holes In My Shoes on Netflix

    Like

  149. Ah! You were in Arizona and didn’t come to see me? I would take you to the Arizona Sonora Desert Museum here in Tucson where you could see all sorts of cool stuff. Maybe next time when it is cooler. Even our CA daughter won’t visit in the summer.

    Like

  150. remarkably, i don’t see judgey in that cactus. he looks terrified of judgement, himself. or perhaps camera shy, but can’t move, so he’s doing his best to not look terrified as he understands he has no choice but to be photographed? what an innocent boogeyman…who is just like edward scissorhands. awww. tots wanna hug that spindly succulent southern thing.

    Like

  151. I really think you and Hailey would like Wizards vs Aliens. It’s written by Russel T Davies, and is good like his early Doctor Who stuff. Definitely a kids show that is enjoyable for adults!

    Like

  152. Orphan Black. The women who plays 5 different characters is incredibly awesome. Feel better.

    Like

  153. They’ve got chuckwallas at the Science Center here in LA – I always want to call them chumbawumbas =)

    Like

  154. 156
    Anonymous

    Watch Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries! She’s smart, sassy, and glamorous.

    Like

  155. ((Reading you for a bit now but only just commenting now…))
    Whaaat, the judgey-cactus-face gave me the chills. Eeep!
    Perfect Netflix rec for you + Hailey: Pushing Daisies! And add a variety of delicious pies to your soup request as well.🙂

    Like

  156. 158
    Justice Owensby

    My mother and I always watch Dead Like Me and Pushing Daisies on chick day. They’re morbidly comedies and we reference them all the time! I’m pretty sure they’re both on Netflix…

    Like

  157. 159
    Marjorie Birch

    For the movie: “My Neighbor Totaro.”

    Like

  158. I took a desert survival thing and learned more than enough about chuckwallas. When you are stranded in the desert and running out of water you are supposed to grab them by the tails which will fall off and consume them for the water content. Yeah, not going to happen. Ever.

    Like

  159. Well, when I was Hailey’s age, I watched Doris Day/Rock Hudson flicks with my mother. Great memories.

    My tip for upper respiratory gunk: don’t eat or drink any dairy. It causes mucus.

    Like

    Diane Holcomb recently posted Anxiety Wears a Black Duster.

  160. 162
    Fancy Nancy

    BoJack Horseman. Amazing, and season two was just released. Maybe not the best to watch with your kidlet. I’ll let you make that call.

    Like

  161. Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries?

    Like

  162. My Whole Family just had that upper-respiratory thing! Take care. It is evil. I wish I’d had a chuckwalla to see me through it.

    Like

  163. Megan P. | July 21, 2015 at 11:36 pm at 117— YES YES YES! My husband still says Labyrinth still has THE BEST message for girls, “You have no power over me.” (Our baby girl is now 33.)

    Like

  164. It’s not on Netflix, but Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee with Jerry Seinfeld on crackle.com is quite wonderful, especially the episode with Alec Baldwin. Netflix: Departures is a great travel show, Rehab Addict for a DIY show, Danger Mouse for a throwback cartoon, and Turn:Washington’s Spies for some suspense. Get well soon!

    Like

  165. The sicker you are – the better Gilmore Girls becomes. Had a doozy of a respiratory infection in March, watched all seven seasons in 18 days. I’m pretty sure that is world record pace. Turns out it is pretty good when you are not sick too – – –

    Like

  166. The inner lives of cacti. I don’t know what to tell you to watch. My viewing choices can’t be trusted as I watched not only Sharknado 2: The Second One and Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! last night. Movie walk of shame.

    Like

    kstewand4cats recently posted What?!.

  167. The envelope of soup
    Lovingly stamped, yet seeping
    Slowly shrinks
    Like a deflating fat patronus

    Like

  168. Just saw the Eugene Mirman comedy special on Netflix and it was hilarious. Among other things he does the voice of Gene on Bob’s Burgers (also good but I can’t imagine you haven’t seen that yet).

    Like

  169. LOL – when I saw your “judgy cactus” picture, the phrase immediately popped into my head, “He’s all up in arms” and I laughed actually out loud by myself in the living room and got a weird look from my dog.

    You write the way the voice in my head sounds, so I should always read your blog first thing in the mornings…😀

    Hope you guys get better soon! I rarely watch Netflix but if I were forced today, I’d probably go with Back to the Future or Frasier, or Big Bang Theory, except they won’t put that dang show on Netflix. Just- why.

    Like

    stef recently posted Small Town Kid Awkward Moments.

  170. If you want to see more animals you’ve never seen before, come to the Houston Zoo and I’ll give you a tour. (nice rhyming, huh?)

    Like

  171. I would suggest farscape, but not sure if you are ready for Hailey to see it. But maybe the great 80s kid movies, Flight of the Navigator, The Goonies, Labryinth, The Dark Crystal. You know, sci fi and puppets and fun.

    Get Well Soon!

    Like

  172. You should watch the movie Frank on Netflix because it was weird, and it’s one of those movies where at the end I’m not sure if I liked it, but I didn’t hate it. I’m just not sure what to make of it. Maybe you could watch it, and tell me what you think.

    Like

  173. Watch Nature’s Weirdest Events. You will love it. And it’s safe for Hailey. I put it on the other day while folding laundry and it was so cool my kid gave up playing to watch, then requested another episode the next day.

    Feel better!

    Like

  174. 176
    Sarah the Amazing (shut up, I like it)

    Supernatural. Even if you’ve seen them all, start over.

    Like

  175. 177
    Cheryl Vincent

    If it hasn’t already been said, watch The Almighty Johnsons on Netflix. If you can get past the New Zealand accents, it is a very entertaining funny show, and possibly right up your alley. Can be a bit nudie and potty mouth at times, so don’t watch with kids around.

    Get well soon!!

    Like

  176. 178
    Anonymous

    Not enough RAID in the world for me to get that close to that chuckwalla.

    I hope you and Hailey will be feeling better STAT. That is a direct medical order Jenny.

    I have been in a depressive slump and have been watching three hours a day of Four Weddings on TLC.

    Like

  177. I’m not a plant person, but I love cactus. Call me weird🙂

    Like

  178. Not sure why I’m posting this link, Ms. Bloggess, but I think God had something to do with it:

    http://inhabitat.com/giant-chicken-church-roosts-atop-a-hill-in-the-indonesian-jungle/

    Like

    awesomesauciness recently posted Then, This Happened…..

  179. Looks like i’ve finally found my spirit animal!

    Like

    Amy M recently posted Cavoeiro’s Caves.

  180. 183
    Anonymous

    Alice. It is on netflix. it’s a weird Russian 80’s movie about Alice In Wonderland but with taxidermied animals. It’s creepy as hell, and lovable at the same time.

    Like

  181. My beby’s name is Miriam. You don’t hear it often babies or cacti. I’ve always wondered what your patronus was too.

    Like

  182. 185
    Julie Denenberg

    Watch “The History of Future Folk” Sci-Fi + Hipster + Bluegrass!

    Like

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