Well that’s…huh.

Did you know that if you search for “giant dildo” on Amazon my first book is the 4th thing that shows up?  Not that I was searching for giant dildos.  I mean, I was but only because someone else told me that if you search for “giant dildo” my book pops right up (Her: “It’s awesome that your work is so versatile and all, but I’m a little concerned about paper cuts”) and I thought she was fucking with me, but then I checked myself and she was totally right.

This is real.

This is real.

And what’s even more baffling here is that no dildos showed up at all.  Way to frustrate your customers, Amazon.  There were some “party beads” that showed up at the end of the first page, which is weird because what kind of party are you having?

I mean, not that I’m judging you.  After all, I just unsuccessfully looked for giant dildos and ended up finding myself.  Jesus.  That sounds even worse when I write it out.

But in my defense, I also looked up my upcoming book and Amazon said it was the #1 new release in “Medical Psychology Pathologies”, which is nice because now when I go to dinner parties with strangers and they’re like, “Oh, I’m familiar with your work.  I found it while looking for giant dildos” I can say, “I’m not sure what you’re referring to.  I’m the #1 Medical Psychology Pathologies author in America.  Good luck hunting for your giant dildo though.”

Honestly this seems just as odd as the prior photo.

Honestly this seems just as odd as the prior photo.

PS.  You can look all this up on Amazon to confirm it but you will get a shitload of inappropriate google ads based on your search history and then later when you go to show your grandmother some kittens on Facebook your computer will be like “HEY!  DID YOU FIND THAT GIANT DILDO YOU WERE LOOKING FOR?  CHECK THESE OUT!”  Just an FYI, y’all.  ‘Cause I care.

*******

And now, the weekly wrap-up…

SID3

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

  • As requested, #WheresRory shirts to confuse everyone around you.

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you once again by Kathleen Flinn’s Burnt Toast Makes You Sing Good, a memoir with recipes said to be “hilarious” by Redbook and “poignant” by Kirkus Reviews and “cheaper, now that it’s in paperback” by the author. The book was a finalist in the IACP Cookbook Awards, Goodreads Choice Awards, the Northwest Book Awards and was named a 2015 Michigan Notable Book. To celebrate the paperback, Kathleen is doing a full month of giveaways that include kitchen stuff such as a full-on canning setup, a fancy Wusthof knife and a whole bunch of jars of blueberry jam that she claims to be making herself. You should go check it out (and enter the contest) here.

94 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Did you find the giant dildo you were originally looking for? I mistakenly bought a 5lb butt plug once. I use it as a door stop now…wish I was kidding. The story is one of my most popular blog posts:/

    Like

    Ann St. Vincent recently posted How do we know if we are ready?.

  2. 2
    ocularnervosa

    Well your book did make me laugh so hard I think I might have had a small orgasm, or stroke.

    Like

  3. Did Amazon just call you a dick? Wait, that would be a fake dick? So, a dick with a heart of gold? I would take it as a compliment…

    Like

    Melissa recently posted Journal Cover Tutorial.

  4. I would have thought a title like “Furiously Happy” would be more likely to show up in a search of giant dildos.

    Like

  5. Off to search for Ann’s blog post. Because after making a post like that, really should link it…just saying…

    Like

  6. I once made the mistake of googling “pirate dildo.” Ew. Just don’t.

    Like

    Janet Coburn recently posted Gift Giving: The Good, the Bad, and the Weird.

  7. I love Amazon for the fact that the suggestions provide so much entertainment value. I can’t remember what I was looking for one weekend but the suggestion for sex chairs came up and then I spent an embarrassingly long time looking at all the different sex chairs which then lead to sex dolls. And then I found out you can just buy sex torsos with the heads missing which seemed really disturbing to me. But I I really learned a lot… thanks Amazon!

    Like

    Gina W. recently posted Volunteers Needed! (to supervise me).

  8. I live very near Larry Flint’s Hustler store. I mean…if giant dildos are your thing.

    Like

    Michelle recently posted And Then We Nearly Died.

  9. “Good luck hunting for your giant dildo though” made me think you were at a very inappropriate (but fun!) Easter egg hunt.

    Like

  10. Not to brag or anything (well, yeah, to brag) – if you google “Lizzie Borden Mugshot” – my drawing on Lizzie is on the first line! And my own photo shows up in the middle of line 5. Lizzie Borden and Me – bound forever through Google. ( or at least through next week.)

    Like

    notquiteold recently posted Growing Up.

  11. Just another Sunday afternoon…having to explain why I am cackling repeatedly while looking at my phone. This is completely awesome!

    Like

    Amanda recently posted Grilled Pesto Parmesan Ham and Smoked Provolone with Apple Butter on Fresh-baked Bread.

  12. Yes Yes, giant dildos… but did you see the photos of the dead raccoon on the sidewalk memorial alter display???

    Like

    bloggitybloggityblogg recently posted Skeleton Cousins.

  13. “I just unsuccessfully looked for giant dildos and ended up finding myself.”

    I would imagine there are some far more traumatic paths to self-realization…

    Like

  14. Lillian just checked it out to see if you really were #4 on Amazon’s giant dildo quest.

    You’re up to #3.

    Like

  15. to be fair, if you’re searching for a giant dildo and somebody finds out, you would indeed want to pretend this never happened.

    Like

    Jen Donohue recently posted A Shadowrun Story.

  16. Sex chairs, you say, Gina?
    I have lead a sheltered life.

    Like

  17. I legit laughed-out-loud

    I believe we should all write some lovely Amazon reviews for the book. You know how accepting Amazon is of creative reviews…

    Like

  18. Yep, you innocently peruse Sasquatch erotica ONE time and Amazon is still bringing it up SHUT UP AMAZON, MAYBE IT WAS FOR LEGIT RESEARCH YOU DONT KNOW…

    Like

    RachRiot recently posted Lose Friends Now- Ask Me How!.

  19. I checked while sitting here at the pool. Sad to tell you, you have dropped to #5. But don’t stress too much, #7 involves what appears to be My Little Ponies. I’m not sure I’ll ever look at Pinky Pie the same way again

    Like

  20. I can only aspire to this level of greatness…

    Like

    JT Williams recently posted About My Fiat.

  21. Yikes, that’s heaps awkward. It’s a good thing I already own that book of yours.

    Like

    Gary Lum recently posted Crispy crackling pork belly.

  22. I thought they were extinct!

    Like

  23. I once organized a “lingerie party” for my neighbours (mostly modern Mennonites–kind of like nouveau Amish), and instead of pretty, lacy things, all the woman had was vibrators. Dozens of vibrators and no lingerie at all, except for crotchless pantyhose. I became a little bit of a neighbourhood Jezebel without even meaning to.

    Like

    educationalmentorship recently posted My Week 48: Deathly Beets and Weird Road Signs.

  24. Oddly my bf just searched for giant dildos on my phone the other day (he thinks he’s funny. Okay, he is.) and I was so confused why your book was there under butt boys.

    Kudos

    Like

  25. Ok, “Medical Psychology Pathologies” I at least understand. But I swear I don’t recall any dildos in your first book, much less the giant kind. Do I need to reread? Maybe I blocked it out because I read that part during a horrific accident with a pomegranate — OH WAIT, I KNOW! Maybe it’s their keyword matching thingy, and Beyonce’ (being a giant metal cock, and all) is to blame?

    Like

  26. “HEY! DID YOU FIND THAT GIANT DILDO YOU WERE LOOKING FOR? CHECK THESE OUT!” Oh. My. Word. You amuse me so greatly. As I’ve just started another semester of college I really need to be amused. Thanks.🙂

    Like

    Kara recently posted Creating Vision – Marvel’s Avengers: Age of Ultron.

  27. I tried it and came up with this: Trained to Take a Titan (Paranormal Alpha Revenge BDSM).
    And your book.
    Awesome, huh?

    Like

  28. Jenny, I believe this is a reference to your arm. The one in the cow vagina. Personally, I have never seen a dildo as giant as a human arm (though I admit to being sheltered), so I’m pretty sure that qualifies.

    Like

  29. I dunno, I think Amazon is doing the opposite of frustrating its customers by suggesting your book. Offering them something they didn’t even know they wanted.

    When I think Giant Dildo, I imagine the dildo Andre the Giant would have wanted. And then I stop imagining.

    Like

    balletandboxing recently posted Tinderpersonations: Interglutteal clefts and starfish.

  30. At least your first book was appropriately titled within the dildo section of Amazon: “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened”. Lol. 😂

    Like

  31. This has nothing to do with this post but I know no other way to try to contact you. I purchased your new book from acappella book store along with 2 tickets for the reading. I just wanted to say how excited I am about this. I had set a date to kill myself,in a very dark place. Someone suggested I make a plan to do something on a day passed the date I had set. My first thought was ordering the book and coming to the event. I didn’t think it would help,but it did. This book and seeing you isn’t just a fun night out for me,it’s something I need. Following your blog has helped me so many times but this simple thing may have saved my life. As dramatic as that sounds. You’ll likely never see this but just writing it helps. I so look forward to sept 29th. I hope I have the opportunity to meet you but be warned,I will cry. Like a fucking baby..a crazy baby. And now I’m thinking of crazy babies just going apeshit and fucking shit up–crazy baby style.

    (I can’t wait to see you. And I’ll probably cry too. I’m so glad you’re still here. ~ Jenny)

    Like

  32. You are not alone. The anthology I was in this year was up there in the mental illness category on Amazon too, and it was only a little awkward to point that out to people. I don’t think we were associated with dildos though. That’s all you.

    Like

    Steph recently posted I Am Not That Mom.

  33. It doesn’t surprise me at all that Amazon has linked your fine works to something smutty and pathological because Amazon is…well, I can only roll my eyes and shake my head. But I’m an independent bookseller, so anything Amazon does makes me behave in such fashion.

    Like

    digbydigz recently posted The Upside To Being an Introvert.

  34. Public service announcement – you can clear your Amazon search history. It’s good to know if you look up funny stuff like this and then have an awkward moment at work when buying post-it notes on Amazon later.

    Like

  35. …On a different note….
    because I just HAD to gush.
    —-I’m FINALLY listening to Lets Pretend This Never Happened & Iovin’ it sooooo damn MUCH.
    Imagine me walking alone on 65th & Cody laughing my f*cking ass off like an imbecilic weirdo!
    Yeah, that’s me w/ my hot pink Sketchers and Bose headset listening to your brilliant and bloody stories.
    You inspire me as a writer.
    I’m really in deep love with you. I mean, your words.
    Your biggest stalker. I mean, FAN.

    Kim

    Like

  36. I’ve been yelling, “Notice me, Senpai!” at (in)appropriate times all week long. Like there’s an inappropriate time.

    Like

  37. 37
    Liberal In Louisiana

    I wish I were close enough to your book tour to come see you so we could talk about the alternate universe in which you would attend a dinner party with strangers. I’d love for you to come with me to my upcoming high school reunion, where we could do an improv routine consisting of blurting random comments. Since you probably won’t come, I’ll have to do the routine by myself.

    Like

  38. Well, if you are going to be placed under the Dildo category- at least your under GIANT DILDO. You know once again confirming that size does matter.

    Like

    kristinolivia246 recently posted I was once a good Gamma, wait do I even have kids?.

  39. Hey, Jenny, you’re moving up in the world — from crotch to noggin! Not bad.

    Like

  40. Laughing, laughing so dam funny. Large dildo. It doesn’t get much funnier that that. Everyone will remember this for a very long time. Mow let the book sales expand like, well you know what I mean lol.

    Like

  41. I really don’t understand Amazon search algorithms. Recently I was looking at fruit and vegetable slicers and most of the results were relevant, but then in the middle of page one
    there was a custom pillowcase with shirtless picture of Nicholas Cage on it.http://tinypic.com/r/k178l4/8 And then on page two there was a plastic replica of a pound of human fat. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

    Like

  42. 42
    Stanleigh Erdnuss-Flieger III (and Ralph, the Wonder-Dog!)

    So, after reading this post, this came up on one of my regularly-visited sites. It;s a picture of a woman with your book. Or not.

    http://royreid.ca/2015/08/30/they-call-it-the-golden-years-for-a-reason/posted-on-royreid-ca-awesome-old-people-23/

    Like

  43. I want my money back. When I bought your first book, I wasn’t looking for a dildo at all/

    Like

    Elyse recently posted Sometimes, There’s Just Nothin’ to Add.

  44. So mostly I’m curious about what in the first book links to search terms for giant dildos? The story about the shoulder length cow vagina glove? At least you will reach a vast audience.

    Like

    kstewand4cats recently posted You Don’t Feed Me Anymore.

  45. #4?! What does it take to get to #1?
    Don’t give up. You got this.

    Like

    Alice Thomas recently posted People Who Mean Well (and their miracle cures).

  46. With everyone so concerned about the invasion of privacy by giant corporations, I think you may have actually stumbled on a way to combat these intrusions into our lives. Forget complicated browser add-ons and proxy servers, the trick is to regularly Google some really weird shit like “severed heads for children”, “alternate uses for wallabies”, or “first aid for stab wounds”. I think if we all did this every day, it would skew the data so much as to make it completely useless. Or at the very least, the resulting Amazon recommendations would keep us entertained until the police arrive.

    Like

    Sean Sandulak recently posted Unremarkable & Other Stories Ebook Now Available.

  47. When I had my first kid, for a completely awesome present my uncle refinished the wooden high chair that had been used for me as a baby. This story is connected to the blog post (I swear) so stick with me. Anyway, since it was old school, it didn’t have a harness or straps of any kind. So off to Amazon I went to find a high chair harness. I found one, but was really entertained me is the ‘Customers who bought this item also bought’ section. It included a harness for a strap on. I had a screenshot since it was too good to not possess proof.

    Like

  48. I had a dream last night that Jenny Lawson’s house was in sight of a church that was in sight of my house and I felt so excited to be living so close to her. Then She and Victor made a giant balloon full of shit and put it over the church so that when it rained it would rain shit-rain and my husband was like “let’s go to church there! That will be fun!” It sucked. The people at the church hated you, Jenny.

    Like

  49. Ok so am I the only one that stared, repulsively fascinated by the Senpai guy? I thought he would never finish…but when he was, I was kinda sad cause I think that he is a very eloquent fucked up person and I could see him playing Shakespeare….do you think he memorized that monologue just in case he got on TV? Side note: he clearly does this all the time, judging by the bored expression on the woman next to him’s face. Wow. Just fucking wow.

    Like

  50. My boyfriend just searched Amazon to verify this. Blame the one mention of a giant dildo in a Kate Spade bag for this hilarity.

    Like

  51. Why are some of the results shoes??

    Like

  52. Damn it, now I really want that black strappy teddy. I know just the boots to go with it….

    Like

  53. I think you should provide complimentary giant dildos along with your new books. Or a dead cat.

    Like

  54. I had to watch the Detroit video you posted (I live in the Detroit ‘burbs) … I love how the gamer guy’s (girlfriend? companion?) was just like “Yeah, I hear this every day …” in the background.

    Like

    Liz @ Yes/No Films recently posted Review and GIVEAWAY: Elsa itty bitty + itty bitty BIGGY #Frozen #LoveHallmark {ends 9/6}.

  55. Well the medical search is no surprise. Remember when you became a doctor?

    Like

    kdcol recently posted TP for my bunghole.

  56. Now that you’ve found this someone at Amazon is working very hard to correct the “problem”, which is unfortunate because it’s potentially bringing you a whole new bunch of fans. Amazon has a way of doing unintentionally hilarious things. Several years ago there was a screenshot going around of a Jerry Falwell book with “Customers who bought this also bought…The Joy of Gay Sex“. It was something to do with someone just clicking back and forth on the two books linking them together.
    Okay, now I’m going to Amazon to see if that still works, but only after I set my browser to “in private” mode.

    Like

    Christopher recently posted Need A Lift?.

  57. This just sounds like great cross-over marketing to me! If only your books were sold in actual porn shops could this get any better…how can we make this happen?!

    Like

    Donna recently posted Algorithms Are Terrible Bankers.

  58. This is so cool because I now got 2 excuses to use!

    If I get caught for searching for dildos on amazon
    “oh I’m not REALLY searching for dildos, its because Jenny from the Bloggess mentioned something funny about it…”

    If people ask me what genre of books I’m into these days
    “oh I’m expanding my interest into Medical Psychology Pathologies, you know something deep”

    Like

    deliriouspancake recently posted Random pictures #1.

  59. Sounds like a great blurb for the back cover of the next edition. “I went searching for giant dildos and all i got was this hilarious book.”

    Like

  60. I came home last week to find my husband had left the five year old with a snack and mom’s catalogues from the mail. She ‘really liked the costumes’ from the Pyramid Collection. A fun little store that sells really pretty jewelry (MY reason for getting it) and also clothing that is occasionally good for goth clubbing (which I haven’t done since college) as well as some personal ‘massage’ tools. He clearly didn’t know and should have a nice bruise that resembles a rolled up mailer catalogue. Good luck on the great dildo search!

    Like

  61. Also, mildly disturbed at the number of used copies of Butt Boys available. That can’t be a good book if so many folks are reselling. I’ll never resell my copy of your first book.

    Like

  62. Can I just say that I love you in a non-creepy platonic sort of way. I was having a down day as my thyroid levels are out of whack and I feel crabby and tired.

    Just laughed out loud to your existential dildo experience and my day has much improved!

    Like

  63. The leaps in logic that Amazon.com makes are truly astounding.
    Also…someone writes Gay Anal Erotica and the best title they could come up with was “Butt Boys?” That’s just lazy.

    Like

  64. Also, the Rory T is awesome

    Like

    Marianne recently posted Butterfingers.

  65. I’m much more concerned about the fact that dildos don’t even appear on the list than I am about the fact that your book is. I think Amazon needs some help with their algorithms.

    Like

    Karen Marie Peterson recently posted Karen’s Next Favorite TV Show.

  66. Amazing that the site that offers your those giant drums of lube can’t return a simple search for giant dildos. I mean really. And no Chuck Tingle in the immediate search results? That algorithm is slacking.

    I’ve watched that Satanist video like 5 times and continue to be annoyed when the anchor refers to it as a “goat-headed satan” statue and not Baphomet. Surely I’m not the only one who has written academic papers on Satanist symbolism and thus knows the difference.

    Like

  67. I looked up toys for 8 year old boys and got a listing for erotic anime vinyl dolls. They had to blur parts of the product shot. I don’t know what you are teaching your 8 year old son, but that’s not what I want to give my kid for his birthday. Go home, Amazon, you’re drunk.

    Like

  68. One more reason for you to come visit Detroit! We’d love to see you!

    Like

  69. That’s okay, I searched for ‘family jewels’ in Google Images for my latest post and all I got was a lot of pics of an overly preserved Gene Simmons. (Ewwwww!) For something more enjoyable, you can read about my friend and I trying to hock the family jewels at http://www.andbythatimean.com/#!Hocking-the-family-jewels/cmbz/55e328880cf24e84f75c73e8
    (Don’t google Gene Simmons, though. Trust me.)

    Like

  70. The girl behind him looks so bored. Like “Augh! He’s like this at home, too! I just drown it out with newsradio.”

    Like

  71. Oh, that? I was expecting a bigger than normal one of those things that looks like an anteater but has a leathery shell.

    I should get out more people, probably.

    Like

    BunKaryudo recently posted Coffee Shop.

  72. So are they trying to say you’re a giant dildo?

    Like

    Sharon recently posted Confetti.

  73. Oh, no! You’ve dropped to five!
    The party beads are still hanging in, but it worries me that three shoes are in the top ten.

    Like

  74. I wrote a post on my blog TWO YEARS AGO about going to the gyno and “vagina” “Vagina diagram” and many other variations of the search are still the number one searched for word that brings people to my blog. TWO YEARS AGO!! By the way, I want to do a study on how difficult it seems to be for John Q. Public to spell “vagina.” Most of the searches are “Vergina” “Vaginer” “Viginer” I guess that’s why people are googling it? They don’t know a whole lot about it…I’m picturing a lot of virgins at their computer. A whole lotta virgins, I’ll tell you that.

    Like

  75. Adblock FTW.

    Like

  76. Wtf Amazon – I just looked it up and it’s now under anxiety disorders. I’m assuming it will eventually get a humor/satire classification once Amazon can’t locate any of those … GDs in your book.

    Like

    Kelly recently posted In Other News Unrelated to Cancer.

  77. If you search for your book, do you get dildos in the search results?

    Like

  78. Sexy spray, sexy outfits + your book make for an interesting night at home. It MAKES SENSE!

    Like

  79. Maybe you should include dildos as part of your promotional package.

    Like

  80. Haha, i bet your targeted ads are absolutely brilliant! xo

    Like

    Amy M recently posted New Beginnings.

  81. I’m not sure I need a giant dildo… but I suddenly need your book!

    Like

    Mother recently posted In Which Mother Attempts to Ration a Fart.

  82. I LOVE WEIRD GAMER GUY! He’s actually an actor/director/writer/all-around-talented-dude named Andrew Bowser. I’d love to see him play this character on Big Bang Theory.

    Like

  83. I had to try this search–not fourth…not sixth…not even second. Your book showed up FIRST!!!! YOU ARE THE SEXUAL HEALTH ALPHA QUEEN! moving up in the world. i didnt count down, but book 2 was on the first page of finds as well. stuffed raccoons and mice really get around!

    Like

    nutbunnie recently posted By Dawn’s Early Light You Can See the Shadows on the Wall.

  84. I think I read on the internet somewhere that Gandhi said anything can be used as dildo if you’re brave enough.

    Like

  85. Your book…pops right up…in the search?

    Like

  86. This reminds me of an auction item that came up at my small-town auction house recently. The auctioneer held up two good-sized brass balls and called them exercise weights. He deftly ran them over his fingers, demonstrating their physical therapy capabilities. Then he realized with surprise that there were freely moving weights within the weights. Then he read the side of the box for us, sounding it out as he read “Ben Wa Balls.” All with a totally innocent straight-face. And nobody in the crowd laughed or (like me) died a little inside.

    There are just some things I will not consider buying used. Something that could have been in somebody else’s vagina is one of those things… Is it just me?

    Like

  87. Hey, Jenny! I know that “weird satanist”! Well, I don’t KNOW him so much as I twitter-stalk him and listen to him on the Bizarre States podcast on the Nerdist Podcast network…. link is HERE: http://nerdist.com/podcasts/bizarre-states/

    His name is Andrew Bowser and that interview is FAAAAKED by him! but i’m glad it got so viral that it made your Weekly Wrap-Up! I still lovers you, Jenny! You’re so inspiring!!!😀

    Like

  88. You will be happy to know that your book is now the VERY FIRST thing that shows up when you search for giant dildos on Amazon.com

    Like

  89. On my search I just did, your book is now the NUMBER ONE result on the search for giant dildos, so you are moving up in the world!!

    Like

  90. When I searched today, you’d been moved up to #1. You go girl.

    Like

  91. That neeeeeeeeeeds to be on your headstone: I unsuccessfully looked for giant dildos and ended up finding myself

    Like

  92. It could also take you to my husband’s parents’ home. In what I hope was a reverie caused by the painkillers he was taking after surgery, my husband’s father (who is an 81 years old mean drunk) thought it was a fine, fine idea to share with my husband his fond memories (I started to type “reminisc–” but can’t remember how to spell it) about his bedroom exploits with my husband’s mother and their shared appreciation for – tools. Tools that – attach – to the body. With – straps.

    There is not enough bleach in the world to remove that image from my mind.

    (PS If you have photos of yourself and your partner naked with such equipment and you do not want your children to see those photos, may I suggest that you somehow mark them as something to be discarded or something private and not just put them in an unmarked manila envelope in the file cabinet with your financial papers?)

    Like

    the gold digger recently posted In which Doris has a heart attack.

  93. If you look up Taxidermy on Amazon “Let’s Pretend this Never Happened” is the 83rd hit.

    Like

  94. I just did a search on Amazon for “giant dildo” and your previous book appeared in the number 2 search result…and I’m a gay man! I don’t know what that says about me but it made me smile.

    Like

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