Well, she’s definitely mine.

My ten-year-old yelling at me from the kitchen:

Hailey:  HEY MOM?  I BROKE A BANANA.

me:  Wha...how can you break a banana?

Hailey:  Um.  I NEED A SHARPIE.

me:  WHY?

Hailey:  NEVER MIND.  I FIXED IT.

me:  WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?

Hailey:  This.

bananaman

Hailey (in a deep voice):  “HEY GUUURL!  I’M MISTER BANANA.  YOU CAN’T EAT ME BECAUSE NOW I HAVE EYES.  I SEE YOU.”

me: Wow.

Hailey:  I’m still gonna eat you, Mister BananaMan.  You’ll go bad if I don’t eat you.  You’ll be a badnana.

Hailey:  “YOU WOULDN’T EAT ME, HAILEY.  I’M YOUR FRIEND.  FEED ME M&M’S.”

me:  You can’t have any M&M’s.

Hailey:  It’s not for me, mom.  It’s Mister Banana.  He’s so demanding.

Hailey:  “YUM YUM YUM!  M&M’S!  PUT THEM IN MY MOUTH HOLE.”

Hailey:  Okay Mister Banana.  Calm down already.  I’ll get the M&M’s.

me:  Was this all just an elaborate ruse to get M&M’s?

Hailey: “I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT, HAILEY’S MOM.  THESE M&M’S ARE DELICIOUS.”

me:  You’re a weird kid, Hailey.  But in the best way.

Hailey:  “WE LOVE YOU TOO, MRS. HAILEY’S MOM.”

Updated:  The kitchen counter, 10 minutes later.

bananadown

Oh, sweet baby Jesus.  Call homicide.  BANANA DOWN.

151 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Hard to believe she’s yours. I don’t see any similar tendencies.😉

    Like

    Daddy Scratches recently posted The nuclear option … or, Why I’ve erased my children from the blogosphere.

  2. Thank you for the Arrested Development reference. I needed that.

    Like

  3. You are most definitely doing this whole parenting thing correctly.

    Like

  4. Yellow chalk outline required. And crime scene tape. Also yellow.

    Like

    notquiteold recently posted No Pictures Please.

  5. That manipulative banana got what it deserved.

    Like

    Elyse recently posted Sometimes, There’s Just Nothin’ to Add.

  6. I needed this in ways you can’t even imagine. Thanks to both you and Hailey. RIP, Mr. Banana Man. I’m sure you were delicious.

    Like

  7. Well, can you blame her really? I mean, he was just a silver-tongued devil, really:).

    Like

    candidkay recently posted Let it begin.

  8. Mouth Hole. Classic.

    Like

  9. The kid’s a genius!
    At least she comes by it naturally…
    Rest in Peace, Mr. Banana. We barely knew thee.

    Like

  10. 11
    wasnt_serious

    I really hope they were peanut butter m&ms…
    also…she draws better than I do.

    Like

  11. I look forward to Hailey’s memoirs in 20 years.

    Like

    NosmoRex recently posted My Acting Résumé.

  12. This makes me ridiculously happy and gives me hope for the future.

    Like

  13. Yes. I think I will just call you “Mrs. Hailey’s Mom” from now on…

    Like

  14. Uhm I’m starting to suspect I’m actually 11 years old…

    Like

  15. Yep, she’s yours! Poor Mr. Bananaman. Gone before his time. Or wait, maybe it was his time. Either way, I’m glad he got M&Ms before his demise.

    Like

  16. Eureka! The answer to what I want to have for my last meal is now obvious. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before.

    Like

  17. I think Hailey and her banana man just out-funnied you. Well done, Mom!!

    Like

  18. I’m always amazed at what my 11 year old comes away with. I always wonder where he gets some of his ideas/thoughts.🙂

    Like

    kdcol recently posted TP for my bunghole.

  19. I love this.

    Like

  20. She is so you’re daughter!

    Like

  21. HAHHAHA….poor banana

    Like

    Michelle recently posted And Then We Nearly Died.

  22. I’m with Daddy Scratches – hard to believe she’s yours Jenny. Bwahahaha!

    Like

  23. She is so you’re child. You are a lucky woman.

    Like

    Cassandra recently posted Faking Fiscal Responsibility.

  24. LMFAO!! I needed this today. #BadnanaDown

    Like

  25. Ah, nothing like imagination🙂

    Like

  26. You’re so lucky she got some of Victor’s genes and isn’t making toys out of roadkill…

    Like

  27. I’m impressed that she put BananaMan’s corpse on a strip of toilet paper because hygiene and easy clean-up but the cap off the marker is driving me nuts.

    We used to do something similar with apples, only we’d bite faces into the apples instead of drawing them on. I want to say we learned it from Lamb Chop and Sherry Lewis, but I’m not positive on that.

    Like

  28. Hilarious! You have the best kid.

    Like

  29. Now the peel looks like it’s screaming at its own dismembered corpse…

    Like

  30. There was another, earlier Banana Man.

    Like

  31. Everything everybody said above. Wow

    Like

  32. snort giggles madly Oooh Hailey… You make your Auntie Shawna SO very proud! Poor Mr BananaMan we hardly knew ye.

    Like

  33. Hahahaha this is brilliant xo

    Like

    Amy M recently posted New Beginnings.

  34. Last Picture: Aahhh! The bananity!

    Like

  35. I am so glad the universe is giving us another you. I will never at a mouse, an alligator, a boar, a squirrel, a raccoon ever the same way again- and now a Banana. Thank you for that.

    Like

    kristinolivia246 recently posted I was once a good Gamma, wait do I even have kids?.

  36. That was awesome. Wish I could draw as well as she does!🙂

    Like

  37. OMG, I love your kid!

    Like

  38. Like there was ever any doubt…🙂

    Like

  39. My condolences. Banana decapitation harms everyone involved.

    Like

  40. 41
    purplepenguin

    She is sooooo your daughter! I needed that laugh today!

    Like

  41. If there was EVER a doubt about that kid’s parentage, it has now been put to rest.

    Like

    Karen Marie Peterson recently posted Censored: If only I could share it ALL on social media.

  42. you are raising a totally awesome kid (but you knew that already)

    Like

    Laura recently posted DIY Hair Accessories: Feathered Comb.

  43. I needed that more than I care to think about. Also, my Rory came from the publisher today. I think I may have gotten Bad Luck Rory as he is already involved in a hostage situation.

    Like

    Cassie recently posted lost amongst the willows.

  44. Oh the bananaty.

    Like

    Manicmom recently posted My closet could indeed use some magic.

  45. *Snort! Badnana. Bwahahaha! Thanks for the laugh, Hailey, and Mrs. Hailey’s Mom!

    Like

  46. Hahahahahahahhahahahhahaha! Badnana, awesome!

    Like

    CJ recently posted Eight Reasons To Love Sandwiches and Eight Sandwiches To Love.

  47. Thanks! I needed that! 🙂

    Like

  48. When Hailey is ready to date, my son would like to put his name in for consideration. He thinks she is hysterical. Is it too soon to ask her to prom? (His prom isn’t for 5 years.)

    Like

  49. Poor Victor. He’s surrounded.

    Like

  50. You should have seen the raspberry carnage today. Gruesome.

    Like

    Anubis Bard recently posted A Summer Honey Harvest.

  51. yup, sounds like my kids also. LOL, never a dull moment.

    Like

    Sharon recently posted Boo.

  52. God I can’t wait until your kid has her own blog. She’s going to be awesome!

    Like

    kmarrs recently posted Sambam.

  53. 55
    EvylFashionista

    Apparently the banana doesn’t fall far from the tree.

    Well played, Hailey. Well played indeed.

    Like

  54. Holy crap, you’re raising one of my favorite human beings! Keep doing whatever it is that you’re doing, because Hailey gives me hope for the future.

    Like

  55. Love this! Exactly what I needed today.

    And I think it’s awesome she’s getting invited to Prom already by your readers/commenters!

    Thank you both for making my day better (it desperately needed the help!)

    Like

    msdarkstar recently posted ROMANTIC AS HELL – A REVIEW.

  56. I blame MTV and violent video games….way cool.

    Like

  57. Brilliant! Now teach her about scratching banana peals so the images appear later.

    Like

  58. Respect the banana. Get out those M&Ms.

    Like

    Laurie recently posted Guest Bathroom Makeover.

  59. She earned those M&M’s!

    Like

    Malia recently posted Bring on the Bouquets of Sharpened Pencils!.

  60. 62
    Heather Greywolf

    I am so in love with this whole escapade.
    MY kid would totally do this. (Which is why I wish so badly that they were playmates. sigh)

    Like

  61. Yes, this tale is rather a-peeling.

    Like

  62. She is SO your daughter! (and also awesome)

    Like

  63. Genius!!!

    Like

  64. It looks like the flute from HR Puffinstuff! You know it does!

    Like

  65. Oh, yeah, totally yours!!! 🙂

    Like

  66. I expect to see the release of the first children’s book written by Hailey any day now!

    Like

  67. Thank you, Mrs. Hailey’s Mom’s Daughter, for “resurrecting” the broken banana into M&M-eating Mr. Badnana! What a beautiful thing! And what tidy carnage you left behind, as well!

    Really, thank you for the snort-giggles. I’m having a good day off.

    Like

    emelle recently posted How can it POSSIBLY get any better than this?.

  68. It’s a double homicide. Leaving the cap off the sharpie probably killed that too.

    Like

  69. Um, is the banana on a long sheet of toilet paper? On your kitchen counter? If yes, that makes this a bajillion times funnier.

    Like

    Gina W. recently posted Volunteers Needed! (to supervise me).

  70. She is good very good indeed.=, great imagination. I also want to know from Cassie comment #44, What happened to Rory? Did you pay the ransom? He wasn’t hurt was he? I hope you received proof of life before you paid up. Who would do such a thing? That is not acceptable, not acceptable at all!

    Like

  71. 73
    Doug in Oakland

    When I was a little kid, we lived on some acreage and raised our own beef (and many other foods). The first night that we sat down to a dinner that included some of our home raised beef, my father in all of his diplomatic glory announced: “Well, this is Bessie.” My sister, who would later become a vegetarian for years, and who had helped with the raising of our cows, became somewhat pale and excused herself from the table. I looked down at my plate and said “Poor Bessie” and began chowing down on her. She was delicious. I don’t know why your post reminded me of that, but it did.

    Like

  72. Are you going to make a banana-skin vest out of the dead banana a la Buffalo Bill? Eh?

    Like

    Jackie recently posted The Top Ten Things about Europe: Eurotrip 2015, Part 1.

  73. Madness does not run in your family, It walks around slowly and makes sure it gets to know everyone.

    I love it, Hailey is such a crazy cool kid. You’ve definitely done right with her.

    Like

  74. If any good can come from genetically modified foods, I propose M&M bananas. You’re welcome.

    Like

  75. If any good can come from genetically modified foods, I propose M&M bananas. You’re welcome.

    Like

    A Crock of Schmidt recently posted The Greatest Day of My Life!.

  76. You raised that kid right.

    Like

  77. Apples don’t fall to far from the tree

    Like

  78. YOU GUYS! Banana and M&M sandwiches!

    Like

  79. EvylFashionista took my thought. Banana doesn’t fall far from the tree🙂

    Like

    Kristine @ MumRevised recently posted Ashley Madison, You Dirty Devil.

  80. You have paper towels left in your house? How is that even possible?! My living room is a sea of unrolled paper goods – toilet paper, paper towels….Heaven forbid you need a tissue.

    Like

    BugginWord recently posted Don’t Call it a Comeback.

  81. There’s no doubt at all whose kid she is, wowzers. (Thanks to both of you for the laugh!)

    Like

  82. If I could be guaranteed to have a spawn like your spawn, I would consider the process.

    Like

  83. That made me laugh so much! Hailey, you have a bright future!

    Like

  84. RE: Galixie | September 1, 2015 at 3:47 pm
    It’s a double homicide. Leaving the cap off the sharpie probably killed that too.

    YES! Thank you!
    I am glad I am not the only person here who is alarmed by the topless marker.

    Like

    ekgo recently posted I stand with Planned Parenthood.

  85. Hailey is so great. Mom I wonder where she gets her humor from. Lol
    I thought the whole banana thing was brillant. Thanks for sharing

    Like

  86. OMG.. why is it peeling on the toilet tissue?

    Like

  87. Hailey’s definitely your kid! Never thought I’d have so much fun watching someone else play with their food.

    Like

    janice recently posted Chrysanthemum Tea with Goji Berries.

  88. Loved this. Thanks for sharing.

    Like

  89. Cool, you made yourself a mini-me! She is at least as randomly funny as you!

    Like

  90. 92
    dorysbackyard

    Best post EVER!!! Thanks for the much needed giggles!!

    Like

  91. Gotta watch those sassy fruits and veggies. I came down stairs in the middle of the night once, only to discover potato people rappelling off the shelf in my kitchen. Oddly enough, these things mostly seem to happen in households with kids of a certain age.

    http://www.andbythatimean.com/#!Invasion of the Potato People/zoom/c4y5/image17vb

    Like

  92. I just have to say, if your daughter creates things like this, you must be doing an EXCELLENT job!

    Like

    Laura recently posted More questions to which you might not want an answer....

  93. 95
    KezUnprepared

    Haha that wicked sense of humour runs strong in your family🙂

    Like

  94. Oh yeah. Parenting: you’re doing it SO right. This is fantastic in every way.

    Like

    Jess @ NoPithyPhrase recently posted The Old Ones...or...Why I Shouldn't Be Allowed In Public.

  95. Can you guys move to California so I can have Mrs. Hailey’s Mom’s Daughter as one of my students in a few years? She has a most a-peel-ing sense of humor! You and Victor get an A++ for parenting!

    Like

  96. I used to get bananas from the college cafeteria and draw faces on them, then leave them on my roommate’s desk. She was my best friend. And allergic to bananas.

    Like

    Jen Donohue recently posted A Shadowrun Story.

  97. A) BAD-nana B) It puts the Sharpie on its skin?

    Like

  98. Seriously amazing! Kudos to you both for being the amazing yous that you are!

    Like

  99. Badnana is my favorite new word, but the pig in the background is awesome. It’s like a ghost pig with all the pork removed.

    Like

  100. Did anyone else look at the last picture and think of Calvin’s snow people?

    Like

  101. Mystery of the Decapitated Banana. I think there’s a film in the works.

    Like

    digbydigz recently posted The Upside To Being an Introvert.

  102. Most AWESOME post ever!

    Like

  103. Wow, that apple sure didn’t fall far. So cute!

    Like

  104. Why do I kept hearing the minions songs whenever I look at a banana. ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-nana

    Like

    deliriouspancake recently posted Random Pictures #2: An ode to my pet hamsters.

  105. That kid is so damn rad it makes my eyes hurt.

    Like

  106. Parenting: You’re doing it right.

    Like

  107. Reminds me of the sick pranks my father and I would play on my mom. Fake poop under porcelin dolls in her display cabinet. Repositioning same dolls into rather suggestive scenes. My favourite? Perverted sugar/shortbread cookies at Christmas (our cookies were not fit for bake sales or cookie exchanges)

    Like

  108. ADORABLE.😀 Kid goals!

    Like

  109. Well, that’s what happens to ‘very demanding’ bananas. Hailey is so adorable!

    Like

  110. If this is the launch of Hailey’s 2040 presidential campaign, she’s got my vote.

    Like

  111. 114
    Marjorie J. Birch

    oh please say that this will be in the third book. And the title will be “BANANA DOWN.” bless you both.

    Like

  112. Must be the age, when my son was 11, he created an entire diorama out of a marshmellow peep box and all the peeps. There was a big banner proclaiming Peep Rights. The peeps carried little signs protesting peep eating. I kept that thing on the shelf in the kitchen cupboard for years because it made me laugh so hard each time I saw it. Cherish her, she’s a treasure!

    Like

  113. Behind every broken banana is a Mr.Banana’s story waiting to be heard!

    Like

  114. In this case the banana didn’t fall far from the tree. She has your imagination. Love it.

    Like

  115. I love this so much. She’s definitely your daughter. Quick observation: The big picture on the left has a nice long thumbnail, and the picture in the top right is bitten right down. Or broken? SOLVE THE MYSTERY SCOOBS!

    Like

  116. You need to put a warning before you post something like this. Now I have to clean half chewed peanuts off my work computer screen (peanuts are fine for breakfast, stop judging me) Also, it’s a good thing my co-workers haven’t arrived yet, otherwise there might have been some sort of incident report that needed to be filled out. Basically, I’m looking for something like “Warning: Reading this while eating may result in partially masticated food being violently expelled from your mouth/choking hazard. Also, reading in public or otherwise occupied environs may result in strange looks/unnecessary paperwork about disturbing the workplace” Thanks for making the world a better place.

    Like

  117. 120
    hellohahanarf

    comment 99 from bonnie c made me laugh out loud. not that stupid lol stuffs, but literally laughing. good job, bonnie! #thumbsup
    in other news, this is what happens when you peel a banana wrong. do it like the monkeys do and no broken bananas ever. wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

    Like

  118. I tip my hat at your AD reference🙂 Time for a Netflix binge, methinks.

    Like

    Angela Heidt recently posted Case Study: How Social Media Management Increased Engagement for a Fitness Studio.

  119. Now I want M&M’s. The only way I can figure out to get some is to get a banana. Anybody got a spare one?

    Like

    Christopher recently posted Mad Scientists..

  120. Truly horrifying! All my bananas are cowering behind the fruit bowl as I type.

    Like

    BunKaryudo recently posted Coffee Shop.

  121. wonderful.

    Like

  122. Well, at least she ate the banana ALONG with the M&Ms

    Like

    Marianne recently posted Butterfingers.

  123. This has nothing to do with your post. I just wanted you to see this: http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1zhY7u/:3jakh5Zu:LYb.SZ1X/www.youtube.com/watch?v=JlRgFyS9McM

    Like

  124. Hee hee hee hee hee you guys are the BEST

    Like

  125. I only see one ‘a-peeling’ joke. C’mon, y’all.

    Like

  126. This freaking made my night…in a world of violence and bigotry, there is The adventures of Hailey and Mr. BananaMan…and the comments that go with it!

    Like

  127. Oh.My. And how did Victor feel about the banana down incident? LOL

    Like

  128. There’s currently a banana in our fruit bowl that has taped-on googly eyes and a Sharpie mouth. He has been named Banana Joe. No one is allowed to eat Banana Joe. It was deemed hilarious when he inevitably got a ton of brown freckles. He’s starting to look a little worse for wear, but I am not permitted to turn him into banana bread.

    Like

  129. Thank you for the laugh Hailey & Haileys mom! I will never look at a banana the same agan

    Like

  130. To hell with calling homicide! Call the taxidermist! Hailey’s awesomeness must be memorialized! Kudos on raising an awesome kid!

    Like

  131. 134
    Kathryn Walker

    OMG Bloggess Jr. (laughing hysterically)

    Like

  132. Give us a song, you’re the banana man! Give us a song tonite! Cuz we’re all in a mood for some m&m’s… And you’ve got us feeling…
    Am I the only one who thought this? Huh.

    Like

  133. That. Is. HILARIOUS. Seriously made my day.

    Like

    Tara recently posted That Which Doesn't Kill Us....

  134. “You’re a weird kid, Hailey. But in the best way.” I’ve said this, word for word (well, except for the name) to my own kid. Weird kids are the best.

    Like

  135. We found Mr Banana… we found him delicious!

    Like

  136. Oh, gawd! It’s genetic!

    Like

  137. I actually Laughed. Out. Loud! Most excellent. (And this is the best tribe EVAH! So many comments here are Golden, like Granny K at #135. I love you, Strangelings!)

    Jenny, I can’t wait to see you in Dallas later this month. I missed your last tour because I was off the internet for quite a while & didn’t know about it [how weird is that?!?], but NOT THIS TIME! Wild taxidermal creatures can’t keep me away!

    Like

  138. A girl after my own heart. I hope she actually stuffed the M&M’s into Mr. Banana’s mouth and down his gullet, them ate him with his “partially digested” candy inside – it would have been delicIous! (You didn’t specify…)

    Like

  139. Outside a bar off East Riverside St. in Austin with my 14-year-old daughter (she had just done a stand-up comedy set in the bar) (me, too), we saw a woman walking down the middle of the street talking rather loudly to herself. We both watched as she wandered and talked and ultimately veered off into the DQ parking lot. My daughter said as the woman disappeared into DQ, “It’s really kind of cool that we can tell when someone else is probably family.”

    Like

  140. This is amazing and creative, and your daughter is awesome!

    Like

  141. Laughed out loud. She has a marvelous sense of humor. But how could she be otherwise with you and Victor as parents?

    Like

  142. That just made my week!!!! Thanks for the laughs. I really needed that! 🙂

    Like

  143. between your daughter and mr. banana man my week is complete. He used to be on Sealtest Big Top, and I loved him…thank you for both…

    Like

    judyt54 recently posted A Chipmunk in the Dining Room (6WS).

  144. Just call the morgue. That banana has had it.

    Like

  145. 148
    Emilyweighsin

    The disembodied head is everything.

    Like

  146. I don’t care if eight billion people commented before me, you always make me laugh and if you knew my life right now, you’d know what a damned miracle that is. Thank you Jenny Lawson and your daughter, and Banana man, may he rest in peace…no pieces…nevermind.

    Like

  147. I was scrolling down this post on my phone when my 4 year old looked over “Ahh! Why does that banana have eyes! Look it’s a banana faces!”

    Like

  148. “banana down” would be amazing on a t-shirt!

    Like

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