Fuck you, Netflix.

in Random Crap

netlfixisanasshole

me: FUCK YOU, NETFLIX.  YOU CAN’T JUDGE ME.

Victor:  What the hell is going on in here?

me:  Netflix is all “Are you STILL watching TV?  Like, seriously, no one could watch that much TV and still be alive.  You’re dead, aren’t you?  Prove you’re not dead.”

Victor:  It’s just an auto-timer.  The TV can’t judge you.  But I’m judging you.  Because you’re yelling at the TV instead of just clicking “continue”.

me:  That’s because I can’t find that tiny remote to tell the TV that “Yes, I’m still alive” and so now the tv has grounded me from watching Project Runway.

Victor: Hmm.

PS. Did you know you can watch TV on your computer now.  You can.  And blog about it at the same time.  You’re not the boss of me, TV.  I WIN THIS ROUND.

131 thoughts on “Fuck you, Netflix.”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. Pandora Internet radio does that too. “Are you still listening?” Then it explains, “No musician likes playing to an empty room,” which is a total guilt-trip.

  4. i don’t feel like Netflix judges me for the amount of time i watch it, but more for what i choose to watch in that time. “How many episodes of Bridezilla can a human being seriously watch before all their brain cells leak out of their ears? Well, judging by this chick in front of her tv, it was three hours ago…”

  5. That’s the same attitude I get from my TomTom GPS tracker. The stupid thing takes forever to locate me and the message says, “Poor GPS reception. Are you inside a building?” which I imagine in a chastising and patronizing tone. No, idiot! I’m not inside a building! Why would I need GPS INSIDE a building? Fucker.

  6. I’m always like, “Back off Netflix. Just. Back off. I realized I just watched 13 episodes of Doctor Who in a row. I don’t need you to remind me.”

  7. Yeah, I hate it when it gets all judgy. Shut UP, Netflix. I can quit you anytime I want, especially now that I got through all the episodes of Rita.

  8. I hate when Netflix asks me that! It’s so judgy. (You’re wrong victor and my husband. Its judgment. Not a timer.) And really, if netflix does think we have a problem, its just an enabler. So not only is is judging us, but its enabling us so it can judge us more. I repeat, fuck you, Netflix!

  9. This is why you need to strap the remote to your upper arm with duct tape. Never lose it again!

    P.S. Soon Netflix won’t need to ask because TVs will be able to detect whether the person sitting in front of them still has a pulse. No use wasting bandwidth on a corpse!

  10. I also hate it when it asks me “who is watching?” Me netflix, I’m watching. It’s always me. There is no other profile. Thanks for reminding me that I’m single and live alone netflix. Needing to confirm that, yup, I’m still single, in addition to telling you that, yes, I am still watching, doesn’t do a lot for my sense of self worth. When did you turn on me netflix? What did I ever do to you to make you so cruel? Just show me another episode of Peep Show and leave me alone.

  11. Yes. Fuck you, Netflix. YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!!!!
    (except that it kinda does, but I don’t appreciate the insinuation that I haven’t left the couch in 28 hours because I’m bingeing on OITNB.)

  13. I plan to write a post about Netflix judging me because of that bitch’s recommendations. “Because you watched OITNB, try 19 Kids and Counting.” I’m paraphrasing. But those people are crazy. Netflix and the Duggars.

  14. All media messages have the same voice in my head, that supercilious tech guy from work. “Did you check to see if you’re plugged in?”.

  15. Yes, M! And it always asks if it’s me or the “kids.” Thanks for reminding me I’m an empty nester — with NO grandchildren prospects!

  16. I always whine that it is the most needy program. Yes yes I’m still here Netflix, no I didn’t leave you, yes I’m still awake… Will you please continue now thanks!

  17. I really like the dress you’re wearing (in the reflection.) I hope that didn’t come off as creepy….

  19. Oh, the asking who’s watching. SO annoying. My niece and nephew ONCE watched some animal show when they were over here, and now EVERY SINGLE TIME I log on I have to tell them that it’s me. I never set up a kids’ profile. THEY WATCHED ONE SHOW!

  20. OMG! I just had this exact conversation with my children (minus expletives mostly). We just go Netflix (in AUS and in our house) and I was saying to them it questions whether you’re still watching, like, “are you dead? Prove you’re not dead!” . Then my twelve year old says, “yo, lazy dude, you watching me or you asleep? I’m doing a job here? You there?!” (He’s channeling netflix of course). Then my ten year old looks at us both and says, “maybe it’s just set to ask you that?!” (I think she’s channeling Victor!

    Netflix is awesome! Even if it is judgey McJudgeyson!

  22. I had the EXACT same thoughts when I saw that. It also annoys me that it cuts off in the middle of an episode. I mean, what if I WANT 30 Rock on all night so I’ll have funny dreams?

  24. You are pretty dressed up to be binge watching netflix. If I were in that pic, it would be old ratty t-shirt and boxer shorts and I would probably not have stood up to take the pic, but held my arm up high with the phone and hoped it focused where I wanted it to.

  25. I’m with Netflix, you might be dead. Your husband just ran into the room screaming “What the hell is going on in here,” things are mysteriously missing… sounds like foul play to me.

  28. I have a Roku and it has an app that works as a remote. I don’t have to know where my remote is to shut Mr. Judgypants McJudgerson Netflix the hell up. It’s like magic!

  30. I’m with you. We always lose all our remotes (at last count we have twenty gazillion per TV). I want to be able to just wave at the screen when that comes on. Hi Netflix. Thanks for your concern. Nope still no life. Now play the next episode dammit! Also. I had to scroll back up and check since so many people have mentioned it, but I agree that’s a cute dress.

  32. A few months ago, Netflix actually started interrupting marathon watching with full-on video messages that started with sheep gifs and other things and big, fat letters that said, “Go To Sleep” or “Time For Work.” I got this one.

  33. Hey, YOU’RE the one that added 10 seasons of NCIS all at once, Netflix! Don’t you be judging me!

  34. I didn’t really have anything to add until I embiggened the photo of you reflected in the TV screen because I noticed the white sarcophagus that appears to be in the corner. Please tell me you have a mummy in there.

    PS– Voice to text changed “mummy” to “monkey” and I almost left it that way. Cause funny.

  36. The very tiny, easy to lose remote is the exact reason I downloaded THE PHONE APP THAT IS A ROKU REMOTE! I am now able to always tell Roku “shut up, i’m alive” no matter what! 😀

  39. I don’t have Netflix but I definitely take it the wrong way when the Nintendo Wii suggests I should take a break.

    I’m like, “Dude, no offense, I know that one guy in Korea died from playing Starcraft for 50 hours straight, but Mario ain’t THAT riveting. Pretty sure no one’s skipping bathroom breaks over the state of the Mushroom Kingdom. Now quit judging before you get a Wiimote to the face.”

  40. We had a fight with Amazon last night, it forced us to binge watch a terrible show – every button on the remote was all “by pressing the end/stop/escape button you are indicating you are still watching” – Way to go Amazon, forcing the opt out instead of opting in.

  41. At least it’s giving you the benefit of the doubt. Netflix judges me by never checking to see if I’m okay. It’s just like, “Yeah, I’m sure YOU’RE still sitting there, so here. have another episode! You slug you.”

  43. I feel really weird mentioning this, but is there a creepy-see-through-man-like-figure-thing on the right of the screen? I don’t really want you to say no because I’d feel SUPER ridiculous, but I don’t want you to say yes either because,you know, evil spirits and whatnot.

  44. I don’t feel like Netflix is judging me – I actually appreciate it! When I’m watching a series and don’t click anything, it automatically starts the next episode…so if I fall asleep on the sofa (which happens a lot!), then I won’t answer the “Are you still watching” question, and it WON’T keep running episodes. Which saves me from having to go back through a bazillion episodes to figure out which episode I really watched last. (I mean, I’d still have to anyway, it only asks that question every few episodes, but at least not a whole night’s worth of episodes).

  45. My Smart TV won’t even go to Netflix unless I yell at it for 30 minutes first. It’s not very smart (or I’m not)….jury is still out on that.

  46. You can also use your phone as a remote. No more searching for that tiny TV clicker. And yeah, I’ve had the same issue with Netflix. Judgy McJudgerpants.

  47. You can also use your phone as a remote. No more searching for that tiny TV clicker. And yeah, I’ve had the same issue with Netflix. Judgy McJudgerpants.

  51. Pandora is the same way. “ARE YOU STILL LISTENING??!! BECAUSE IF YOU’RE NOT LISTENING, WE DON’T WANT TO PAY THE ARTISTS! AND THEY’LL STARVE. AND IT’S YOUR FAULT!!” But not in a judgey way. And now I don’t know if judgey has a e. Spellcheck is dead to me.

  52. Hey, now. Before we all assume Netflix is being judgy we should consider other possibilities. I mean, what if Netflix is being really needy and clingy and is having an existential crisis: “Are you still watching? Please? Oh, God. I’m all alone.” Alternately, Netflix might be really narcissistic and feel like it’s entitled to be the center of your attention.

    Generally, I would suggest trying to interpret Netflix’s comments based on the movies it recommends for you. Fatal Attraction? Netflix is being frighteningly clingy and is probably lurking in the bushes outside your living room window. 2001: A Space Odyssey? Existential crisis. Netflix probably should settle down with a nice cup of herbal tea and pet its cat.

    Hope this helps!

  53. You should be able to type an answer back. Like: “Yes, I’m still watching YOU. Are you creeped out, little man in the TV?” Or is that creepy? 🙂

  54. we programmed ours to call us “Monkeyfart”, so even though it may judge, it makes us giggle uncontrollably when it attempts to address us. It’s not so terrible to be judged by someone who is constantly talking about monkey farts. I mean, grow up Netflix. Sheesh.

  55. Yea, I love Netflix but don’t appreciate it when it tells me to go outside and have a life. Hulu on the other hand is like “hey you seemed to have run out of episodes of this show so here’s another random show that will start playing automatically because we already know you have no life”. Can’t win.

  58. I watched Netflix when I was visiting my daughter and we got that message a lot….lol. Anyway, we got Netflix at home and you know, I haven’t watch anything on it but my husband is on the fucking thing every day for hours. After he watches something, I don’t have to because he tells me all about it. Drives me nuts…

  59. So… Project Runway is on Netflix?!? Since when? Why wasn’t I notified?!!! Must explore this thoroughly. Sorry, did you have a post? Read it after I go look for Project Runway.

  61. Now Facebook is getting into the game – “You’ll have more stories in News Feed if you add more friends.” Seriously?? I don’t get to see stories from all the friends I DO have because you keep me from my friends and their status updates!!

    Bite me, Facebook!

  62. I always yell at Netflix when it does this to me. Though, I’ve decided rather than timing out, there should be a built in emergency contact feature. Like it calls my BFF and says, hey… Dana may be rotting on the couch, she was watching Friends and now we haven’t heard from her in 4 hours. Maybe go check. 🙂

  64. I was sick this weekend. Made husband do the grocery shopping on Sunday while I hibernated in the basement. While he was out the remote died. I REALLY wanted to watch football but was stuck watching a show on pierogies until he came home and rescued me with new batteries for the remote. Cuz who knows how to change the cancel on a TV without the remote these days other than a wizard? The most heroic thing he’s done in 8 years of marriage.

  66. I have watched seasons one and five of “Blues Clues” with my son, everyday all day (unless we’re at school) since Netflix time began – when I see that message all I see is a sarcastic “seriously dude… are you still watching Blues Clues!” Yes. Yes we are. 14 years and counting.

  69. Hmmmm….I’m on Season 3 of Buffy, and mine has never asked me these kinds of questions. Guess Netflix has already given up on me having or getting a life.

  70. Netflix WANTS us to binge watch Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD for an entire Sunday. Otherwise they wouldn’t put them all up at once! So why the judgement, Netflix? WHY?

  71. The Pandora radio assholes do the same thing. They stop the music to ask “Are you still listening?” Well since the music stopped, I guess I’m not. Idiots.

  72. How are you watching Project Runway?? Hulu won’t let me watch it unless I hunch in front of my computer and Netflix says no. I saw Tim Gunn in person and was so excited I took a photo of everyone’s feet.

  73. You’re in the house with Victor and you lost the remote? Girl, please. Victor has the remote. As is right and proper.

  74. Netflix is getting really judgey. Get off your high horse Netflix! You don’t know me!

  75. Whats worse is when your tv AND netflix start judging (My Tv has an auto-sleep timer set to 4 hrs…. Sometimes I just want to finish a whole season. It’s my Saturday! Back off, tv!)

  76. I just trialled Quickflix and got through Spaced, Black Books, and all 4 seasons of Torchwood in 45 days. Plus a couple of shitty movies. I am avoiding Netflix because I have heard it’s much much better and has a shitload of shows I love and I don’t want my arse to actually sprout roots and embed itself in the couch.

  79. You know, if you take the front of the TV off, you’ll find a little man behind there operating the controls. Used to have a gig in Oz, but he got canned.

  80. Not only does Netflix stop to judge me, but it stops working if I run the microwave. So it’s like it’s saying, “No, bitch, you can’t watch White Collar AND you can’t eat Easy Mac while doing it!” Dammit.

  83. I discovered this about Netflix this summer when I was home with asthmatic bronchitis. I wouldn’t mind it so much if Netflix actually showed some actual concern for me. But if it is going to bring up the fact that I’ve watched eleventeen episodes of Glee in a row, it should do something helpful with that information. Bring me juice. Send someone to my house with soup and a cupcake. Offer to clean the bathroom. Or maybe just ask if I need a hug. Huh, what about that Netflix, you selfish bastard? You don’t care at all if I’m dead or comatose or accidentally took too many hits off the rescue inhaler and now am too dizzy to stand up. It’s not like you’re getting off your ass to actually help, are you? So just shut up Netflix you selfish bastard and show me another uplifting musical number. Or is that too much effort for you now too? Jerk.

  84. I hope someone at Netflix reads these comments. As a disabled person, each time my viewing is interrupted with that notice, I hope Netflix understands that they are fucking me over because it is hugely difficult for some of us to adjust from sitting or lying down and getting the remote, all to just click the fucking button to acknowledge that we aren’t dead yet.

  85. I didn’t know they still made tiny remotes. Every remote control in our house has more knobs and buttons than a 747 and has to be carried from place to place by a team of three people.

  86. Fios does the same thing. Really annoying when you are watching a baseball game to have it shut off. Seriously.

    On a side note, I installed an app on my phone for my tv. Life has become infinitely easier.

  89. I get really annoyed at sparkpeople because in the middle of the day, after I have entered my breakfast, lunch, and some snack calories, it wants to know if I am done eating. Because, you know – You have eaten enough already person who is on a weight-loss site!

    Sheesh sparkpeople. It’s only 3 p.m. You really think I am not going to eat anything else all day? Can I help it if I am not a liar?

  92. Dish Network receivers do a “Are ya dead?” check, too. Yesterday. “OMG! Don’t you DARE shut off in the middle of my Criminal Minds episode!!!!!!!!!!! Where’s the REMOTE????????”

  94. I feel like Netflix is judging me when I look for something and it’s not there because the way people talk about Netflix IT SHOULD HAVE EVERYTHING. And then I come back a week later and Netflix tells me, “Oh, sorry, my bad, you can binge on Dangermouse now.”

  96. My digital converter just turns off the TV after 3 hours if I don’t change the channel. Netflix is just trying to be polite.

  98. Me: immediately goes to Netflix to search for Project Runway. I can’t find it! You must tell us how you managed this great sorcery.

    (I just went to verify and I couldn’t find it but I know I watched like 10 in a row this week so I was complaining to Victor that they pulled it already but then he reminded me that I was binge-watching Project Runway on Hulu and I’d been binge-watching Doctor Who on Netflix. So now Victor actually is judging me. And rightly so. ~ Jenny)

  99. We watch Netflix through our xBox, so telling it that yes, we’re still watching, is always a total ass-ache because you have to find the xBox controller, turn it back on, wait for it to power up, THEN hit the A button…OMFG. Way too much drama.

  100. Netflix is okay, but they have some of the strangest movies. I swear I’ve never heard of them until I got Netflix. My son loves Netflix but that is good because I take his viewing device away when he doesn’t mind. It is good motivation.

  101. DIRECTV does that too! Yes, I have been watching Law & Order SVU for 4 straight hours and will probably watch it for another couple hours and then I’ll be completely paranoid over every little noise for the rest of the night, but quit judging me DIRECTV!

  102. I feel like Netflix is judging me when I look for something …
    but at least tv isn’t watching YOU…. YET…..!!

  105. Thanks for getting my hopes up that Project Runway is on Netflix when it MOST DEFINITELY IS NOT!!!

  106. I watched 10 or 11 hours of Murder She Wrote. On Sunday. Netflix judged me, but I didn’t care. JB Fletcher FTW.

  109. I got an Xbox one achievement for watching a certain number of TV episodes in a row. Interesting right? Netflix shames you, while the Xbox applauds your couch-potato-ness.

  110. I’m pretty sure Netflix is judging us all. As long as it realizes all the shows “I’ve” watched are actually my son, though, I’m good. Maybe. If it knows the difference… >.>

    Also, yes. The convenience of TV + computering simultaneously is kind of glorious.

  111. Even worse? The wii will actually suggest I stop and go outside! WELL WHAT IF THERE’S A TORNADO, HUH WII??? YOU DON’T KNOW ME! 😛

  113. Have you ever shared your password with someone to let them use your Netflix, and then thought OH SHIT, they will see my list, that one time I hit play on that one show and then quickly hit STOP and went and said five hail mary’s, yea when your Aunt signs on Netflix is going to say ” Do you want to “resume” watching this. Neither one of us will ever the same.

  115. Hulu Plus used to take it a step further and condescendingly recommend that you not watch more than 2 or 3 hours of TV without taking a break. Shut up HULU and get back to letting me binge watch Misfits! It is a brilliant British TV series…

  116. with all due respect Jenny, you do set people off. Just keep hitting those hot topic buttons so I can keep laughing.

  117. My husband and I had the same conversation this weekend. I can watch 10 episodes of NCIS in one day if I feel like it!!!

  119. I just got all excited to waste away my life watching Project Runway on Netflix and IT ISN’T THERE! I feel I’ve been lied to….

    (I suck. But it’s on HULU! ~ Jenny)

  120. Are you reading my mind? Can I get some lottery numbers? I just had this conversation last night with my stylist when he was doing my hair. (Which looks amazing by the way. Anyone in the Baltimore area let me know if you need a recommendation.) My Netflix voice is more of a “DANG girl, you are STILL watching that?” And then I quietly click yes and keep watching.

  123. The Dead Zone Thrillers Until 10/1/15
    Hercules Action & Adventure Until 10/1/15
    Emperor Dramas Until 10/1/15
    Dark Portals: The Chronicles of Vidocq Foreign Movies Until 10/1/15
    Agora Foreign Movies Until 10/1/15
    The Wolf of Wall Street Dramas Until 10/1/15
    Hugo Dramas Until 10/1/15
    Ella Enchanted Comedies Until 10/1/15
    The Magic Door Children & Family Movies Until 10/1/15
    The Last Leprechaun Children & Family Movies Until 10/1/15
    Nature: Ireland’s Wild River TV Shows Until 10/1/15
    Jim Jefferies: Fully Functional Comedies Until 10/1/15
    Lewis Black: Old Yeller: Live at the… Comedies Until 10/1/15
    Craig Ferguson: Does This Need to Be Said? Comedies Until 10/1/15
    The Scorpion King 3: Battle for Redemption Sci-Fi & Fantasy Until 10/1/15
    Faust: Love of the Damned Foreign Movies Until 10/1/15

    Wtf?!? That’s 1/8 of EVERYTHING Netflix has that I might possibly ever want to watch (queue). Fuck Netflix.

  124. Netflix is DEAD to me. Why??? Because I started BINGE WATCHING a TV series that ended several years ago and I JUST FOUND IT. I want to discuss it with my friends about all the plot twist and surprise ending and they are all like “Goober, we have already discussed this to great lengths…like…5 years ago!!!!” Hmpt….well played Netflix, well played.

    And can you believe it was Jenny Schecter died in the pool???? HOLY CRAP!!! If anyone wants to help me get over the end of “The L Word” please!!!

  126. I think Netflix talked to the Nielson ratings company! Their boxes make you sign in every 45 minutes so they know you are actively watching and not just leaving something on to give it ratings. Pain in the ass.

    It would also be helpful if Netflix didn’t do this randomly in the middle of an episode. It’ll cut of complete sentences, which is like, the worst cliffhanger ever.

  127. OMG I know I am late to the party on this one but I was yelling at Netflix last night myself… I was also screaming STOP JUDGING ME … every 3 episodes… I am watching Friends I am allowed to watch more than 60 minutes at a time

  128. Goddamn fucking shit “Continue playing” message from a site I pay to watch, seriously? Let me be fucking netflix assholes and just stream your shows.

  130. Uh wow i think some of y’all need to see a psychiatrist… Its to prevent wasted bandwidth (like people who fall asleep watching netflix); sometimes it works as a courtesy in this situation so you don’t wake up the next day 5 episodes ahead of where you remember.. If you people seriously think a message on a screen is judging you, then i would sincerely recommend a mental health checkup. It’s ok – i have mental problems so I’M NOT JUDGING YOU – just trying to raise a flag in a torrential sea of ineptitude

  131. I’m late on this topic but I think netflix
    Does this Because of that whole netflix & chill crap and now they ask us that dumb question every 10 or 15 min.

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It\'s like I\'m stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

Discover more from The Bloggess

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading