So. My book comes out next week and I’m 50% excited and 70% terrified and 100% not sure how math works. Normally when a book comes out you have a big launch party in a big city and big people come and then I have a big panic attack and everyone wanders around making a big deal about the fact that the author won’t come out from under the table (truth) and that’s why this time my editor agreed to let me have my FURIOUSLY HAPPY launch party right here in my house with the best people ever. My cats. And you. The very people who helped me write this book and who often have the exact same fears about leaving their house. EVERYONE WINS. So, you are officially invited to my house (via the internet) on launch day for a reading and fun and ridiculousness. It’ll be this Tuesday, September 22nd at 7p central. It’ll probably last an hour, or until we get bored or too drunk to internet. Or if you hate looking at me you can join in on twitter using the hashtag #FH (short for “Furiously Happy”).
But I need a name for this. I was calling it “The Agoraphobia Party” but I thought people might misunderstand, and then I thought maybe “Introverts United” but that sort of already exists on a t-shirt I own (INTROVERTS UNITE! But separately. And at your own houses) and that seems like cheating. Then I thought maybe “The No Pants Party” because the great thing about staying home while attending a party is that no one knows you don’t have pants on, but then I remembered that in the UK “pants” means “panties” and 1) I don’t want to have a “no panties party” because ew. And 2) I hate the word panties so much that I want it destroyed. I want to destroy panties. Jesus. That came out wrong. How did I get here?
Then I thought maybe “The Blanket Fort Coalition” because most of us with anxiety issues can’t wait until the party ends so that we can go home and hide in our blanket forts with our cats and books and phones and this would be nice because I’m basically inviting you into my blanket fort. (Not a euphemism). Except it’s a blanket fort with twitter and video and booze and I’ll probably end up saying something ridiculous that will live on the internet forever. But it’s probably not going to be any worse than “I want to destroy panties” (hopefully) so it’s (possibly) all uphill from here.
I still don’t think I’ve come up with the perfect name though so I’m asking you. Double Unicorn Success Unconference? Sloth Lovers Anonymous? The Assembly for the Advancement of Not Assembling Anyplace We Have To Make Smalltalk? The Worst Orgy Ever? The Apple Dumplin Gang? Conscious Uncoupling? Obviously I need help.
And the second thing is…would you come? Is that a weird party to have? Would you go online and watch a party that consists of me doing a book reading in front of my cats while my friend Marlena pours booze slushies and pulls together questions from twitter for the Q&A? Would it make you more likely to come if I say that we’ll do a drinking game where every time Trump says something stupid we do a shot until one of us dies of alcohol poisoning? And I’ll have special guests (who might all be taxidermied, if I’m being honest) come join me? And maybe someone famous will show up and then you can tell everyone that last night you went to a book launch and John Stamos showed up and then your coworkers will be like, “UNCLE JESSE?” and you’ll just shrug like, “Yeah, I guess. No biggie”? And I’ll give away books and tiny raccoons and maybe some taxidermy and I’ll show you how to french braid a dog and then we’ll all share funny videos of people that we hate falling, or hamsters eating tiny burritos, or hedgehogs being hedgehogs? I can’t tell if I’m making this more or less inviting. This is exactly why I never have parties. And why you should agree to come to this one.
PS. If you are an extrovert and hate being alone you can get together with your book club that night and all watch me doing my reading and it’s like you just brought an author with you to your book club. YOU WIN BOOK CLUB! I assume. I don’t know the rules of book club. Other than (I assume) no one talks about book club. I might be mixing that up with something else.
OH! WHAT IF WE CALL THE PARTY “FIGHT CLUB”? I always wanted to be in Fight Club. But that name’s taken. Never mind. Still thinking.
PPS. John Stamos will not be at the party. Unless, I guess, he really wants to come. I mean, he’s not not invited. You know what? I take it back. John Stamos might be at the party after all. That man is totally unpredictable.
PPPS. Look what I got today!
My audiobook! If you come up with the winning name for this party I’ll send you a signed one. Or a book. Or someone else’s book if you hate me. Whatever. Not judging.