Have you been following the amazing awkward tweets that people have been sharing with me lately to make me feel less filled with shame about my own mortifying moments? Because you need to. Mostly because you’ve probably done at least half of the things here and you will probably do the other half eventually. And then you’ll laugh in recognition instead of feeling cringey awkwardness. Or, more accurately, you’ll laugh while feeling cringey awkwardness. Still, the laughter is the important part. Part 1 is here. Part 2 is here. And a few of my most recent favorites are here. DO NOT READ WHILE DRINKING.
I’m loving them Jenny. My feed is full of awkwardness. I feel at home 😀
I’m not that weird!!! Or maybe I am…who cares. I have a tribe.
I’ve been enjoying the awkwards for days! That time I almost sat in that woman’s lap in her own car, I asked, “Where is MY car?” She pointed behind me. I said, “I am SUCH an idiot.”
When I started up my identical silver Toyota, we gave each other a friendly wave before I pulled away.
I wonder what I’ll do next week to embarrass myself?
I also hate when bees chase me down the street, like why do they have to be such douches. Once when while I was working at Dunkin Donuts I went to hand an iced coffee out and my hand slipped and spilled it all over the customer. Manager was like “Wesley you can’t do these things!” and I was like “Talk to my hand it’s their fault anyways.”
I think you’ve struck a nerve. Or gold.
I love, love, LOVE these. Until I started reading these I had forgotten about a lot of my embarrasing things. Like sitting in a stranger’s car instead of my own. Or touching the pediatrician’s junk accidentally. I notice there’s a lot of junk touching and general inappropriate touching in these Tweets. I think Hallmark should come out with a card that says, “Sorry I accidentally touched your____________” with a blank spot for you to write in “boobs”, “ass”, etc.
It’s always good to know I’m not alone. So very, very not alone.
Also, don’t listen when on perpetual hold hell with insurance company. Incoherent laughing is unhelpful.
I have saved this as my evening read. Can’t wait for the hilarity.
I went to a friend’s wedding, and it was held in a Catholic church. I had never been in a Catholic church so I thought the shelf looking thing at the bottom of the pew in front of me was just a hymnal shelf, where people place hymnals. It began to move down, and I freaked, thinking it was broken. I held it up with my foot…until I realized the man at the other end of our pew was desperately trying to get it to fold down. I released it, and the whole pew knelt on it to pray as I sat there too embarrassed to move.
I have done so many of these things….reached around someone and grabbed the wrong someone inappropriately, said ridiculous things….one of my favourite cringe moments was when I was taking a sign language course, I popped in the DVD to do my homework….then turned up the volume, turned up the volume again, then called my dad to find out why the stupid tv was broken LMAO….it was a sign language video….there was no sound. I am an idiot!
It’s getting harder and harder for me to resist the temptation of Twitter. It seems like all the greatest people I’ve never met are there.
Don’t have twitter, but here’s mine. Messaging an Asian friend about her baby, “What a Chink.” Chunk. I meant chunk.
I’m pretty sure I can skip my ab workout now. My stomach hurts from laughing so hard. Thank you for sharing!!
Years ago, my husband was in the shower and noticed that his left arm looked really blue. He called me in to look at it….I asked him if he felt alright..
“I dunno, I feel kinda funny.”
So we rushed to the ER, sure he was having some sort of cardiac event…the whole way I’m asking him if he’s okay…he thinks he’s getting light-headed…his arm is tingly, etc.
We get to the ER and I tell the admitting person that my husband is OBVIOUSLY having a heart attack, so they rush him back.
They go to put in an IV, and when they swab him with an alcohol prep, it wipes off the blue.
He had gotten a new, dark blue shirt for Christmas and worn it without washing it.
He just got up off the gurney, put his shirt back on and went out to the car without saying a word…leaving me to fill out the paperwork and explain what had happened.
Years ago, my husband was in the shower and noticed that his left arm looked really blue. He called me in to look at it….I asked him if he felt alright..
“I dunno, I feel kinda funny.”
So we rushed to the ER, sure he was having some sort of cardiac event…the whole way I’m asking him if he’s okay…he thinks he’s getting light-headed…his arm is tingly, etc.
We get to the ER and I tell the admitting person that my husband is OBVIOUSLY having a heart attack, so they rush him back.
They go to put in an IV, and when they swab him with an alcohol prep, it wipes off the blue.
He had gotten a new, dark blue shirt for Christmas and worn it without washing it.
He just got up off the gurney, put his shirt back on and went out to the car without saying a word…leaving me to fill out the paperwork and explain what had happened.
Oh, she’s not kidding about the “don’t read this while drinking” warning!
I was reading some of these in the car over the weekend and laughed myself breathless. Tried to read them to husband driving, did not translate well when constantly interrupted by giggles 🙂
At one point he said “They’re not really that funny.” He was WRONG!
I love these. These have been awesome. I can’t tell you how much better it makes me feel about my own stuff. (Trying to resist reading them right this second. We’ll see how long that lasts.) Thank you!
can’t put this one on twitter b/c no one i know should ever know this… was having a burping competition, which i had locked up b/c i can do it on command, and we got to laughing so hard that i farted, which only made us laugh harder, and then, i end up in hysterics, loudly proclaiming, “OH MY GOD I LAUGHED MY TAMPON OUT!” hashtag theremayhavebeenpot
I honestly feel so much better about being a freak and spaz after reading this stuff. Especially because you know this shit happens to all of us.
We’re all awkward humans. Even Blake Lively queefs.
I’m one of those who agonizes for an eternity when I make some sort of gaffe. From my end, it’s good to know I’m not alone.
SO MUCH AWKWARD. Proof that we’re all just a little bit off. Or maybe ‘off’ is just normal.
I got in the elevator at work at the end of the day wearing my earbuds. An unfamiliar lady got on with me and asked for directions to a local building that everyone in downtown knows. I couldn’t hear her but could read her lips. I took my earbuds out to reply, and started with a fake Southern accent: “Yer not frum around here, are yoo?”
Lady replied excitedly in very real Southern accent: “Why, no ah’m not, ah’m frum (Southern state). Where are yoo frum?”
Me, in my normal accent: “This is why I’m not allowed to talk to people in elevators.”
Most-embarrassing typo, ever: new coworker asked me if I wanted to go upstairs for a cookie. “No thanks, I just put some cum in my mouth” – Gum. I’d put gum in my mouth.
Even after reading these, I still ended up replying to the airport waitress’s “have a good flight” with “You too.” Realizing I sounded stupid, I followed it with “What do I mean, you’re not going anywhere.” Not I’m not just stupid, I’m rude and snooty.
I recently ran into my 7th grade teacher at a local pet adoption center. I haven’t seen her in 20 years and my first comment was, “I was just thinking about you the other week, wondering if you were still topside.” Why?
I was at a produce shop in Florida looking at grapefruit. I picked up two to purchase and carried them around the store while I continued to browse. The clerk pointed out that I might want to hold them someplace other than side by side on the front of my chest.
Just remembered a good one from 32 years ago when I was a senior in high school. Our top level Spanish class fortunately only consisted of me and two other people. This is fortunate, because I didn’t end up embarrassing myself in front of a class of, say, 25 people.
I was supposed to say in Spanish “after we ate dinner, we called her father.” What I ended up saying translated to “after we called her father, we ate each other.”
The instructor was generally a jovial fellow, but I never saw him laugh so hard as he did on that day.
Just recalled that when a student at my primary school died unexpectedly pretty much the whole school attended her funeral.
I didn’t really know her, but she was the sister of one of my friends.
It must have been a weekend funeral, as we were all attending in our casual clothes.
A friend of mine wore a T shirt that in hindsight may have been inappropriate.
It was the 1980’s, & here in Oz, there was a healthy lifestyle campaign in full swing.
The motto of the campaign, & the writing on the T shirt of my friend? “Life, Be in it”.
I couldn’t remember the word “mantel” and called it a “fireplace forehead”.
I used my twitter for the first time in 5 years because of the draw of reading more from my type of people – the awkward, bumbling, delightful, wonderful type
I feel so much better about pretty much every conversation I’ve ever had! Tears streaming down my face from laughter!
I feel so at home here!
When I was about fourteen years old, I was riding my bike at a very high speed around a curve (I liked the daredevil stuff) and I was watching my legs flying rather than where I was going, because it was a place I was familiar with, and I PLOWED into a parked truck. No one saw, so I just backed up and slowly pedaled home. It tore a wicked gash in my leg which I took care of myself (although I probably should have had stitches), and never told anyone about it. I am 51 now, and I still have the scar.
Agreed to shoot a student’s senior pictures at his farm so he could pose with his horse. After we pissed his horse off for almost two hours, the student offered to let me ride the horse. This was his version of “thank you.” Despite extreme terror of not being in control of gigantic animals, I climbed on. His horse decided that I sucked and that it wanted to go front point A to point B IMMEDIATELY. It galloped from one pasture to the next with me clinging to its back, screaming the student’s name, and mentally debating whether or not this would end better if I just bailed out and fell off. The horse stopped when it got to the final set of fences, and my head got trapped in low hanging tree branches. The student’s parents watched the whole episode from the house and thought I meant to race across their property “since I have such great riding form.” The horse is lucky I didn’t pee on it.
I used to swim at the YMCA where a blind woman also swam. Her mother used to care for her needs in the locker room. One day we both ended up showering at the same time after our swim, she was in a stall across from me. She yelled for her mother that she needed her bag. No response from the mother. She yelled again. Still no response. I naturally peaked my head out of the shower curtain wanting to help. So I yelled to her, “did you need help?”. Blind or not, it’s still creepy for any naked person to help another naked person – she didn’t respond right away. I didn’t blame her. But then after a few moments she said, nastily I might add, “my shampoo is in one of my bags”. “oh! I’ll get it -what color is it?”. Uuugh! Luckily she’ll never see me but she will supposedly smell the mortification off me from now on.
I was being audited while teaching a medical procedures class for an insurance company & during my lecture I had to describe a procedure and who invented it. It was called the Khunt procedure, and I pronounced it like the derogatory slang for a female body part to the class of 25 or so people. I looked at my auditor and whispered, “did I just say what I think I said?” She couldn’t look at me and just nodded. I about died and just kept on going like nothing happened. The looks of the people in the class ranged from perplexed to mortified. 30 years later if I think about it I still want to throw up…
My husband tells me my life is comprised of one long embarrassing moment. I had a pretty good (or bad) one on Halloween this year when taking my 12yo daughter dressed as a cat and her friend dressed as Rick Grimes (yes she’s a girl and it was the most fucking awesome costume EVER), to a party and I got the address wrong. We walked up the driveway to what appeared to be a crack house where there were some pretty mean looking dudes sitting around drinking and smoking while I’m standing there with a bunch of cupcakes, a cat and Rick Grimes. We went back to the car and I told the girls okay this never happened.
I think I failed at The Twitter, because this never made it to you. Or else it’s in that mix right there and I totally missed it. Either way, I am a technotwit.
Nov 5: @TheBloggess My friend worked McD’s drive-thru as a teen and accidentally asked a guy ordering a sundae, “Do you want fudge on your nuts?”
My now-husband once told me that he liked a little dirty talk during … well, you know. I’m not really the type, but I figured it couldn’t hurt. So, I tried to tell him, “Suck my tits…,” but it came out, “Suck my dick…” You’d think I real gentleman would’ve just kept doing what we were doing, which was, you know, doing it, but not MY man. He stopped and was like, “What’d you just say?” And I was like, “Oh, I totally said ‘tits.'” And he was like, “Um. No. You didn’t.” And then he laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. And that was the end of that.
Reminds me of the time my mother met the local priest while in town, he remarks on the cold weather and she changes her reply in mid sentence to “Cold enough to freeze the sign of a Pawn Broker’s balls” so that she did not sound rude.
When I was in my early twenties, I went shopping alone in a college town I’d never before visited. I saw a shoe store and happily went in, only to discover that it was a tiny, tiny store that only sold men’s athletic shoes. The owner was right there and asked if I needed any help. I panicked, and instead of telling him that I didn’t know it was a men’s-only store, I said: “Oh, hello. I was thinking of buying a pair of shoes for my brother.” He said, “You’re here to buy shoes….for your brother?” I said yes, but that I couldn’t buy anything without my brother’s go-ahead. Then I spent five agonizing minutes walking around pretending to look at the shoes. When I left, I told him I’d check in with my brother for a final decision. He just stared at me. WHY?
No twitter, but in college I was on a school trip to Munich. We’re all sitting in a packed and famous opera house. Lights come up on the scene change. I yell “Oh Shit!” while everyone else is silent <3
Me, meeting a trainer at the gym: I’m Rory.
Trainer: Rulie.
Me: No, Rory.
Him: Rulie.
Me: R-O-R-Y. Rory.
Him: My name is Rulie. #WhynoIdontgotothegym…
Our awkwardness is surely what makes us human, and you are the best of humans for rounding up these tweets. Your next book should be title “All the Awkward,” of course.
Walking down the sidewalk in new shoes, I passed a group of workmen who were calling out & making hand gestures. Thought they were cat-calling, so I ignored them and walked faster to get away. Felt something funny. Looked down to realize I’d just squelched through freshly-smoothed concrete. They’d been trying to warn me away from the new sidewalk-in-progress. Ruined it and my new shoes Went home and vowed to never leave the house again.
Holy cow, my sides hurt from laughing. Thank you – I just had one of those days when the new puppy dunked three notebooks full of notes for my PhD qualifying exams into a bucket of mop water and made all the ink run…and these absolutely turned my day around.
Thank you for sharing these. I love people.
The highlight of my career as a waitress: tripping while holding a tray of champagne flutes and drenching the best man in champagne. Strangely, none of the glasses broke but I wanted to just hide in a corner of the kitchen and cry.
I’ve been reading nothing on twitter but your feed for a week now, who cares what anyone else is up to. I love the new language that’s happening there, leaves = tree feathers, I wish I had been writing them down as I went.
I wish I had twitter so I could submit this story, especially since it just happened this weekend. We were having some friends over for a party and built a fire as the evening wore down. As I opened up my folding chair, I spotted something in the seat. Puzzled, I said “What’s this?” as I held it up to the firelight. The answer would be my thong panties, dirty, from the last time I used that chair. That was a more private party……
Once, at a party, I was sipping a drink while talking to a group of girls I had just met. When I got home, I realised it wasn’t my drink but one of theirs.
I called 411 to get the address for a local coffee shop ‘Second Cup’. When the guy asked me ‘What can I do for you?’ My response was ‘How far away is Second Cum?’ By the moment of silence at the other end of the line, I realized my mistake. He replied ‘I’m sorry I can’t help you with that’. My friend overhearing the conversation collapsed on the floor in laughter.
I arrived late for a university exam and could see that most of the desks with chairs attached were taken. I spotted one off to the side and picked it up to move it. Suddenly I felt liquid pouring down my thigh. Someone had dumped the remainder of a pop can on the chair, which was now leaking down my pants. At that moment the professor walked by and all he saw was the wet stain running down my inner pant leg. He patted me on the shoulder and said ‘Everything is going to be ok. How about we move you over here out of the way?’ I spent the remainder of the exam in the corner, facing the wall, with wet pants. Following the exam, I proceeded to go home, consume an entire box of Macaroni & Cheese and watch Jerry Springer.
These are so funny. Once in high school during a chorus concert, I fell off the stage and landed in a waste basket. (Don’t ask). I found out one other person that night had done the same thing… my sister. My parents were so proud.
Seriously…I am grateful that I have no recollection of all the craziness I have visited on the world at large, but THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU to everyone who is sharing and giving me a wonderful start, middle and end to my day as I read these! I appreciate you!
This proves that the world is full of awesome people. Awesome people who say funny things. Thanks for making me feel less “cringy” 🙂
My boyfriend and I walk/run together in the evenings. He pointed out that I don’t say hi when we pass another person and they say hello. I explained that I smile and mouth “hi”…to which he mocked me. So the next time we passed a neighbor who said hi, I said “hello” out loud… then skipped away. No clue why I started skipping. Guess my body rejects doing anything normal. 😉
I was working in the UK and still hadn’t gotten the hang of saying “trousers” instead of “pants” (which mean underwear there). After walking to work in a rain storm, I turned to a coworker and told him my pants were wet.
It seems like an international epidemic – http://satwcomic.com/society-will-crumble
I once confused “chewed me out” with “ate me out” telling a story to my English roommate. When he called me on it I was so horrified that I pretended I didn’t know what I’d said and accidentally claimed that “ate me out” meant a different thing in American English than British English. And then had to listen in faked astonishment as he explained.
Not on topic but HAD to share this taxidermy-loving kindred spirit’s game with you: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/whythelongfacegame/why-the-long-face-game?ref=video
Laughing at all of these!
Had an odd moment myself, today. Sitting on the couch this morning having coffee with my husband, I noticed something (I think) appears to be floating in our pond, but I don’t have my glasses on. Meh. We ignore it and he leaves.
Three hours later I’m outside and I realize that it is, in fact something floating in our pond. There is a dead DEER with an ARROW sticking out of its shoulder. Floating. In. Our. Pond. What the actual heck??
And then I immediately thought of you, for some reason. Because, who else could I tell this to?
I work at a middle school. For Halloween this year, I wore mirror sunglasses and a Rastafarian hat with dreadlocks attached. No one else was dressed up, I found out why when the principal pulled me aside to say that instead of costumes this year, everyone was supposed to wear a red shirt in honor of,,,,wait for it…..drug awareness. Yep, I dressed as a Rastafarian on drug awareness day. I’m the most awkward lunch lady ever
A friend was visiting Paris with her daughter, aged 28. While looking for a place to eat, she tried out her elementary French and tried to ask a policeman where she and her daughter should eat. He laughed hysterically and she couldn’t understand what was his problem. Later she actually found out she had asked him if he would he like to eat her daughter.
A State cop passed me on a highway, waving. Thinking it was a friend of mine, I blew him a kiss. He pulled up beside me & I saw he wasn’t who I thought. He asked me to keep my hands on the wheel & slow down. He smiled & drove on.
I’ll rat myself out here, because I’m not on the Twitter. New job. Boss took me out for lunch. Halfway through meal, I suddenly felt icky, so I stood up to excuse myself to go to the ladies, and threw up all over his lunch.
I was meeting with a Muslim potential wedding client at a coffee shop, and doing my best to convince her that I am culturally sensitive and could document her day despite not having much experience with her religious traditions. We happened to be meeting on Easter weekend, which means nothing much to me since I’m not Christian (but I’m white so assumptions get made). She politely wished me a happy easter on her way out the door. I automatically respond, “You too!” as the door closes behind her. Immediate Facepalm. I wasn’t shocked when she didn’t book with me…
These comments are like free therapy for me. I love it when people admit they’re not perfect, and I’m no different. This should be a national holiday. But instead of gathering around a cozy fireplace and telling everyone how thankful we are, I think we all need a day where we go around and say, “Yeah… I’m kind of a fuck up. But in a cute way!” We’d be nicer to each other.
I also wish we could be this intellectually honest during job interviews.
I accidentally talk to strangers thinking they’re whoever I’m with all the time. I expect people to follow me around and when they don’t, I don’t realize it until it’s too late.
After my friend’s mother’s funeral, my friend wanted to get drunk and play Scrabble to distract herself. The plan was going swimmingly, until she said to her husband “you suck at Scrabble.” His reply: “Your mom sucks at Scrabble.”
How about being observed yelling at a chipmunk? He deserved it though, the vicious little cannibal. Chipmunks that eat their own kind instead of sticking to nuts and berries are jerks.
So drunk after the club that I threw up in the driver’s car before getting the window down. Finally got it rolled down, and continue to vomit so hard that I farted loudly. The fart made me laugh, so I spent the remainder of the trip puking, farting, laughing, puking, farting, laughing… You get the idea.
My stomach hurts from laughing so hard. I have too many mortifying moments so I’ll just share one for now: At a company meeting during the month of November, I said to the group that I wanted to get to a concubine for Thanksgiving. I meant cornucopia. I swear.
Yesterday I was so busy looking at the cute guy at the gas station pump that I pulled in on the wrong side of the pump. Got out, went to start pumping and realized my error. Got back in the car and drove off. Had to pray that I didn’t run out of gas before I found another station.
I wish I knew how to click “like” on these! I ended up reposting mine on Twitter, because apparently, I’m such a huge technotwit that I think I hit “cut” when I pasted it in your comment section here. It was totally gone from my tweets when I went to look for it today. I am a dumbass.
Just last night I was trying to say that the dog has a “peanut brain” and accidentally said he has a “peen brain”. I don’t think my kids heard.
Was talking with husb in large crowd of people. As we started moving i grabbed his hand so we wouldnt get separated. Took almost ten seconds to realize i was holding some random guy’s hand.
Went sprawling ass over teakettle in my yard the day before yesterday. While chasing a donkey. In my nightshirt. Commando. In broad daylight. Still desperately hoping my neighbors weren’t outside.
Thanks everyone. I needed that.
911 call.Top lights and siren. Asked for directions over the emergency radio.”County, can you tell me how to get to Peckerwood Hill?” Was dispatched to Woodpecker Hill.
This really happened. Having a hair triggered gad reflex I accidentally recycled the toast and spewed all over the expensive custom made and hand crafted chocolate cake at my in-laws thanksgiving celebration. Full story on my blog @ drbrilliantcliche.wordpress.com
When I was in college, there was this guy who was in many of the same classes as me. He would talk to me occasionally, but I was pretty oblivious. Hindsight being what it is, the poor guy probably liked me and was trying to get up the nerve to ask me out or something. One day he comes up to me in class and pointing to the chair next to me (on which I had put my bag) and asked “Is anyone sitting here?” I automatically reply “Yeah, my backpack.” He turned and walked away, and I was so mortified that I didn’t try to stop him. He never spoke to me again.
When catching a flight in rural Queensland, Australia, the ticket attendant asked me if I was a minor. I giggled and said ‘oh no, I’m old enough to travel by myself, thanks’. Thought he was being vaguely flirty. Felt pretty good at the confidence boost at my age/looks…until I got on the plane which was filled with miners in helmets, high vis gear and boots.
I don’t imagine you’ll spot this in amongst all the crazy excitement of book tour and all the hundreds of other comments of embarrassing stories, but:
I just wanted to thank you for putting together these posts. I have quite bad anxiety, and when it starts up I generally find myself completely frozen, unable to move, not with fear or panic, more as if moving is just not a thing that bodies do, and so it is completely unreasonable to try and do it. And the last time this happened, I found myself thinking about a few of the awkward tweets people had posted, and somehow that unknotted the part of me that couldn’t move, and I could calm down again. So, thank you. You are the best person.
While working for an airline, I was giving a confirmation number and said as one of the numbers/letters: “E as in…uh….earwax”….yes, I was picking my ear while saying that!
Hilarious. And scarily familiar…
I once misheard my gyno talking about why he was late to my appointment,I laughed because I didn’t hear what he said.He looked at me and said abortions are not funny, this happens to me all the time because I laugh at innapropriate times like funerals and when my child was choking..she is fine by the way.
I feel better about everything in life now. Including the time in… fourth grade, I think. I was on my way back to school after a field trip to a water park, and I found a spare pair of clean underwear in my backpack. And a little voice in my head said, “You should throw them at [Cute Guy].” And I did. To this day I have no idea why, but I still cringe every time I remember it. Anyway, thanks for making me feel a little less weird, Jenny!
Years after overcoming involuntary snorting while laughing I began to do it jokingly with husband. In a high level meeting when someone cracked a joke out came a huge snort!!!
Vehemently disavowed ownership of white half-slip found in ladies room at work. Tried to think of a million ways I could have lost my slip without knowing it as it was undoubtedly mine.
These make me feel like less of an idiot and more like a normal person. Thank you for that.
Getting ready for one of my early dates with my now husband, I was trying to put together an outfit. I was living in a small apartment at the time and the only way to see my full outfit in the mirror was to stand on top of my bed. Not wanting to wear my high heeled sandals on the bed, I left them on the floor. After approving the rest of my outfit in the mirror I stepped off the bed, right on top of one of the sandals (because like an idiot, I forgot that’s where I JUST left them). I ended up twisting my ankle and chipping a tooth from the fall. I had to limp through the date and hide my teeth the whole time. And somehow we ended up getting married anyway!
Was talking to a friend about the plants we had outside. Meant to say the Clematis was blooming. Said chlamydia.
These commentsi are a book in themselves, Jenny .
My best was cooking a 20lb turkey upside down yesterday …. Only found out during carving .
Unless you count the time I had a wreck in a dealership car bay going 1 mile an hour . Never can go back …
Once snuck up behind friend and his wife put an arm around each of them, meant to jokingly squeeze his chest, reflexively did it with both hands and groped her, as well, ooops!