The 987th argument I had with Victor this week.

Me: People say, “You can be anyone you want.” But I’m pretty sure that’s identity theft.

Victor: You’re underestimating yourself. You can be a successful entrepreneur if you applied yourself.

Me: No. I don’t have that ability. I could pretend to be someone who’s an entrepreneur, but that’s really identify-theft too. I already have an identity, and it’s “that-girl-who-says-fuck-a-lot-and-hasn’t-intentionally-killed-anyone-yet.”

Victor: You’re just afraid to try new things. If you focused you could start a restaurant or learn to do your taxes.

Me: And now you’re having an identity crisis. Except it’s over my identity. Sort of selfish, really. Plus, you’re trying to take away my identity of “someone who doesn’t want to do things”. So if anything you’re guilty of identity theft. You’re stealing my identity.

Victor: That’s not how identity theft works.

Me: Well, it’s not how I work either. There’s a lot of confusion going around.

Winner: I don’t know. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

85 replies. read them below or add one

  1. The worst identity crises all involve husbands usurping their wife’s identity and making her do her own taxes.

    Happy Holidays to you Jenny. Thanks for the laughs and the place to cry, too.

    Like

    Elyse recently posted Give Peace A Chance – Bomb Agrabah.

  2. I have a friend who constantly tells me I can be a great artist or ghost writer, and says she’ll “line up work” for me. She doesn’t understand that these things require that artists “put themselves out there.” Sometimes, that is the most uncomfortable, terrifying thing I can imagine.

    Like

  3. Okay. Now I’m even more confused. And I was pretty confused before. Happy merry.

    Like

  4. You can be me for awhile if you want. Just don’t forget to clean the litterbox😉

    Like

  5. If you don’t know who you are, then you really CAN be anyone you want to be. I say if you haven’t got an identity at all, it’s perfectly ok to steal one.

    Like

  6. Tell Victor that you already are a successful entrepreneur. You’re a friggin bestselling author for cryin’ out loud.

    Like

    Diane Holcomb recently posted A Triumphant Tale of Time Management.

  7. Kristina @ line 5 – EXACTLY. That’s called amnesia, and amnesiacs are often encouraged to try on all kinds of personas until they find the “new them.”

    Like

  8. I love the arguments you and Victor have. True love.

    Like

    Gary Lum recently posted A Yummy Lummy 2015.

  9. Um. For the record, I’d visit the shit out of any restaurant you had a part in establishing. It’d be all things that are good.

    Like

    Anna Kristine recently posted The Antidote to Bullies is Wicked and Doctor Who.

  10. Parts of my job is dealing with the aftermath of identity theft and what you said is totally it. 100%.😉

    Like

  11. So… you are that-girl-who-says-fuck-a-lot-and-hasn’t-intentionally-killed-anyone-yet-while-doing-nothing-but-making-money-and-being-a-positive-influence-on-many-while-not-being-able-to-do-my-taxes…. Not an identity that many would be willing to steal (or remember). Good for you! And by the way… Thank you again (and J.Garfield!) Do you know how difficult it was to type all of that using the ” – ” instead of the space bar? But I agree with “Jess”. If you really want to, you can be me for a while also🙂 Merry Christmas! and enjoy whatever identity you chose for the day!

    Like

  12. I am pretty sure you just stole my identity.

    Like

  13. Oh! And this is what I had told my husband I wanted for Christmas… http://www.scarymommy.com/sweary-coloring-books/?utm_source=FB
    Because Apparently “Unleashing a few ‘fucks’ is very therapeutic” AND “Science has confirmed this to be so” !!

    Like

  14. I’m not sure a restaurant themed with humorously taxidermied animals would be health code-compliant, but it would be fun! Success means not having to do your own taxes…

    Like

  15. I’m not sure I could eat food while whimsically dressed taxidermy critters eyed me accusingly from every wall and flat surface. And we KNOW if you had a restaurant, decorating it would be an excuse to buy every wonky, antique, dead thing that Victor claimed wouldn’t fit in your house. Has he considered THAT?

    Like

  16. When I read my husband the part about your identity he said “Now she’s stealing your identity.” 😂

    Like

  17. Your restaurant would be “I poisoned one thing on the menu. Good luck with that”…RIGHT???? 🙂

    Like

    Elisa Ashley recently posted Public Bathrooms Are Evil.

  18. Start a restaurant?
    Has he met you?
    A wine slushie bar, maybe. And I’d show up if you opened one of those.

    Like

    emrohrer recently posted I’m sure my journalism textbooks said something about always getting photos of the road kill. Maybe..

  19. 19
    katherine57co

    Every time I tell my husband about something I done with a sense of accomplishment that I link to my sense of identity he says he doesn’t understand why it’s significant to me because he always knew I was capable of that and more. I’m going to call him on the identity theft from now on! How else can he know what I’m capable of before I am? He better start acting surprised and celebrating with me because this nonchalant bullshit isn’t cutting it.

    Like

  20. This has nothing to do with your current post and I don’t even know if this is an issue for you but…the Squatty Potty had changed my life. You should look into it.

    Like

  21. Why is Victor trying to take job away from the hard-working people who feed you at their restaurants and do your taxes?

    Like

  22. Pretty sure if we lived closer my husband would come and take your husband for a drink. I am 61 years old and have been saying much the same things for most of it although I didn’t start saying fuck until I was an adult. In fact my sweet girl, you may have stolen my identity.

    Like

  23. I hate it when my husband tries to change me. We have been married for 38 fucking years, I am what I am. And he knew that when he married me…..lol. Merry Christmas to you and your family.

    Like

  24. I think you have a pretty amazing identity. Does Victor realize the reason that so many women say Fuck a lot is because of their husbands? Also, mostly the reason why we drink a lot of wine.

    Like

    educationalmentorship recently posted My Week 64: Donald Trump Meets Justin Trudeau, Titus–Weapon of Mass Destruction.

  25. Whenever I try to assert my identity as “Good husband, father, and web developer”, my brain starts telling me that I’m a fraud at all of it and it’s only a matter of time before I’m found out. (Aka Imposter Syndrome). Every day is a battle with my brain to hold on to my accomplishments and to not make my shortcomings seem overwhelming.

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    TechyDad recently posted Diving Into Inexpensive Virtual Reality With Google Cardboard.

  26. You can totally be a successful entrepreneur and someone who doesn’t want to do stuff at the same time. But the question is why?? There’s not a lot of entrepreneurs with wine slushies and bobcats. Stick to what you’ve got – much more fun.

    Like

  27. I wish I had a career that I loved the way you love yours. I work hard at staying grateful to have any job at all, but sometimes I have to believe I am allowed to be a little selfish and HATE my job. I hate the politics of it and wish someone could hire me to be their personal librarian. Jenny, do you need an annoyingly liberal, personal librarian from the wilds of South Dakota? I don’t think I could handle the snakes in Texas, but maybe I could do the job remotely… Hmmmm.

    Like

  28. You don’t need to try new things, you’re a best selling author, nothing to do but coast from now on.
    On another note, have a wonderful and very Merry Christmas!

    Like

    Shari recently posted Featured Writer.

  29. I’ve been doing the taxes for thirty years. I’ll take Victor if you don’t want him anymore. Merry Christmas.

    Like

    Sheila Blanchette recently posted A Flight Risk: An Innkeeper’s Journal.

  30. I tried being an entrepreneur. Too much pressure. I got the whole “if you put in more effort” spiel, too. Uggh. I don’t even want to get out of my pajamas, how am I supposed to find all this effort people speak of??

    Like

  31. Reminds me of a recurring theme in my house. I swear the dude is strategizing to secure my place at the asylum.

    Like

    kay recently posted Well it’s Christmas.

  32. I identify far too well with this identity crisis. It’s one of the reasons I haven’t pursued anything remotely resembling “fame” and/or recognition, because I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t know what to do with it.

    Like

  33. Well, no one can say you haven’t embraced your true identity. I think Victor needs to embrace you, too.

    Like

    Manicmom recently posted Tips for the outbound exchange student.

  34. Wait… how are you NOT a successful entrepreneur? You have a business (this and other blogs), you have written two successful books (my library recommends “Furiously Happy” as one of the Best Books of 2015!), you have overcome your fears on two book tours, and you have helped numerous people along the way by discussing your weaknesses. Heck, you even have your own Wikipedia page.
    What is Victor’s definition of “successful entrepreneur”?

    Like

  35. 35
    My brain sucks too

    My identity crisis is that no one is willing to steal it. So Jenny, you can have it. Good luck with all the hospital bills and collection agencies.

    Like

  36. I’m nobody! Who are you? Are you – Nobody – too?

    That’s what your argument with Victor made me think of: Miss Emily.

    Like

  37. Ahh silly Victor. He seems so much like my husband, with all this “you could do this if you just put your mind to it” stuff, blah blah blah as if motivation and follow through grew on trees.

    And can’t someone’s identity be, well, all mixed up? I mean that is an identity.

    Like

    gem recently posted I am from the planet Zorbloq.

  38. My reply isn’t nearly as witty as everyone else but OMG you are my new favorite person. I’m just listening to your audio book while driving and either nearly wrecking or peeing my pants from laughter. Thank you.

    Like

  39. I’ve decided to make a drinking game out of your arguments with Victor. The rules are as follows: 1. Every time Victor tries to argue with logic, take a sip. 2. Every time he says, “That’s not how ______ works,” finish your drink.

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go buy a bottle of wine.

    Like

    Spoken Like A True Nut recently posted 50 Happy Nutty Things for 2015..

  40. I love you, Jenny, only because it has been brought to my attention that someone has stolen my “car maintenance and repair” identify. And my “buying car tires” identify. And even my “car washing and oil changing” identity. I would just rather stay home eating chocolates and reading movie magazines. Happy Holidays to you and yours. xo

    Like

  41. Thanks for making me giggle (as close as I can get to a laugh) during these dark & bleak winter days.

    Like

  42. My head was literally spinning reading this post! I’m so confused. Is it possible my true identity is the girl-who-forgot-herself? Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and remember I’m the girl-who-is-a-gorgeous-famous-brilliant-novelist? No? Well, doesn’t hurt to dream, I suppose! Now where is my wine!!??

    Like

    lifevivified recently posted Bacon-Flavored What!!??.

  43. I was going to jump in with the others who offered for you to steal their identity, but then I realized that if you stole mine, you’d end up in a life where you have this exact same argument with my husband. And why would you want that when you have a perfectly good Victor of your own already?

    Plus, stealing my identity wouldn’t help you find yourself (myself?) anyway because I don’t know who I am these days either.
    Oh the confusion.

    Merry Christmas. I hope you are able to experience some holiday magic with your family. You certainly deserve it after such a busy past few months.

    Like

  44. Oh I see what you did there…

    Like

  45. You already have an identity, and no one can take your place. You are “THE Bloggess” for heaven sake.

    Like

    Catherine recently posted Christmas NICU Update - and Three books for little ones..

  46. Identity theft this close to Christmas is more than criminal! What if there is a giant rooster from Santa under the tree with your name on it and Victor is all, like “Oh, that’s got my name on it!” Victor doesn’t know what to do with nice things. He must be stopped!

    Like

  47. Every time I’m sick, my mom tells me to eat some chicken noodle soup. We’ve known each other for 41 years and I’ve never willingly owned a can of chicken noodle soup to immediately pop open when I’m sick, much less wanted to eat it because canned soup is so fucking gross. I suspect that this is a case of mistaken identity. She’s mistaken me for a child that she would like much better, one who happily eats soup from a can.

    Like

    kstewand4cats recently posted Show Me Your Krampus!.

  48. 48
    tinalibrarian

    Is it fucked up that you inspire me to have more creative arguments with my husband?

    Like

  49. Love this post. You inspire me.

    Like

    Carmen recently posted Xmas is Crackers ! [By Patsy Decline].

  50. By the time you know who you are you already are that person. Everything else is taking steps to get a different point of view so you can see what that is. x

    Like

    @SongsOfKat recently posted For those who need it….

  51. Some days I have an identity crisis too….the one where you feel like you’re really someone else looking in at your own life and thinking….what in the hell is that woman doing? She doesn’t have a clue! Then I realize that I’m “that woman” and then I get sad.

    Like

  52. Who are any of us, really?

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  53. I don’t think I know myself after reading that. Ha!

    Like

  54. I mean….he seems like he’s trying to be supportive, anyway. But who the fuck seriously wants to do their own taxes? Let’s be realistic here.

    Like

    Jen Donohue recently posted Schrödinger's Submission.

  55. 55
    Loretta Rominski

    Jenny, tell Victor I will do your taxes, as thanks for entertaining me and helping me understand my daughter’s anxiety, so he can shut the hell up!

    Like

  56. 56
    Forge a receipt to you can return the identity later and get a PlayStation

    Stealing an identity for someone else seems like really shitty re-gifting.

    Like

  57. I love this and your writing.

    Like

  58. Send Victor to me. I’ll fix his wagon.

    Happy Holidays!!

    Like

  59. I wish my arguments with my husband were as creative as this. We just fight about the fact that he’s unable to ever use the right tool for the job (like, he’ll “mop” the floor using a towel, on his hands and knees, rather than Use. The. Fucking. Mop.)

    I think I sometimes wish for an identity crisis.

    Like

    emelle28 recently posted I'm sitting here crying, y'all..

  60. 60
    OcularNervosa

    If God wanted us to learn how to do taxes he wouldn’t have invented TurboTax so Victor is being blasphemous.

    Like

  61. I can identify with that…

    Like

  62. Be yourself. An original is always worth more than a copy😉 Thank you for being the most awesome original.

    Like

  63. You make me want to start some arguments

    Like

    Jenny Gargruella recently posted Coping With Stress & Depression During The Holidays.

  64. i just bought the new book, looking forward to living in your head. again. thanks.🙂

    Like

  65. Thanks to you, Jenny, and all the previous clever comments left by others. You all made me laugh out loud 4 times 2 days before Xmas. My Xmas miracle.
    I’m not sure who I am either. Widowed, then mom died, then kitten died, then retired…all in the span of 22 months. Very weird to answer the question “What do you do?” now. Still trying figure that out. Think I’ll say I’m a professional Bloggess reader for now. Seems like a good thing to be.
    I wish you, your family, and this family of readers a Merry Xmas and Spectacular New Year

    Like

  66. Oh, please do write a book where each chapter is a Jenny-Victor conversation like this one! Merry Christmas to y’all.

    Like

  67. Totally unrelated, but I just read your chapter “We’re Better Than Galileo. Because He’s Dead.” from Furiously happy, and I need to thank you. It was exactly what I needed to read. Earlier today I kind of had a breakdown. I’ll spare you all the details, but basically I was exhausted from work, my sister being annoyed, my father guilt-tripping me, my inability to snuggle with my dogs after a long day, my extremely messy room that has been causing much anxiety, and more. Once I had my “okay I’m crying and don’t know what to do with this” moment, I felt a little better. But what has really helped, is having learned of the spoon theory. It really feels much better recognizing that I just ran out of spoons, and that rest and recoup is all I need to feel better. It’s not often that I go beyond the last spoon, mostly because I spend almost all of my free time doing what gives me more spoons- aka snuggling with my dogs while watching Netflix. So it was a tad unnerving to reach the last spoon to say the least. I hope this made sense..

    Like

  68. +1 for wine slushy bar (#18) – with a costume closet, so we can be whoever we want while slushing.

    Like

  69. Agree with Ruth. Hellllllooooooooo you are a successful entrepreneur!! But look, Victor, buddy, I own my own freelance business, am pretty financially successful at it, but the husband STILL does my taxes. There is a beautiful rightness to that. Embrace the rightness.

    Like

  70. I’m going to be a princess.

    Like

    Michelle recently posted To Those With Chronic Pain.

  71. Victor should play the Quiet Game. You don’t need his negativity in your life.

    Like

  72. You are The Bloggess, and Queen of the world. You rule, Jenny Lawson!

    Like

  73. turbo tax can do my taxes… I’ll be over in the corner painting my nails.

    Like

    Lauren recently posted Thankful 2015.

  74. 74
    Cranky Hermit

    My identity is “the weirdo who looks forward to doing her taxes every New Years Eve.” Except now the stupid IRS wants everything electronically, but won’t let us submit our tax forms until mid-January. Bastards.

    Like

  75. Of course, the people we unintentionally kill don’t count toward our identity.

    Like

    BunKaryudo recently posted Christmas, Christmas, Christmas? Blah, Blah, Blah!.

  76. 76
    sweetcaroline1224

    Jenny Jenny Jenny!!!!!!!

    I have just been reading Neil Gaiman’s book “The Sleeper and the Spindle” and guess the name of one of the characters!!!

    Goodmaster FOXEN!!!!!!

    SweetCaroline

    Like

  77. I feel your pain, my parents are always telling me I could be some person who contributes to society and I’m like, “Can you lower your voices, please? I’m trying to watch Real Housewives and eat these chips.”

    Like

    White Girls Be Like recently posted I Haven’t Showered For A Week Because My Dedication Knows No Bounds.

  78. I am. That’s all I can come up with sometimes. That’s a whole sentence. Sometimes “I am” is enough.

    Like

    recently posted A Diamond is Whatever..

  79. So you’ve accidentally killed someone?

    Like

  80. I read this to my fiance. He said, “Wow… that is so YOU.”
    So, there you go. You are me.
    Of course, now I need to figure out who I am, but at least we’ve solved your immediate crisis.

    Like

  81. Ahem, some of us girls are good at math, I do my own taxes, always have, taxes are easy, did my husband’s while I had one. They tell girls that being good at math will lead to further success in life, I’ve found it leads to men feeling emasculated, for reasons? because I was faster at solving that problem? Not really sure on that part, but I can tell you with a high level of confidence that being good at math and being a woman isn’t an A+ in life. I did take AP Calculus as a freshman in high school! Does wonders for your social life. Nothing quite like being the freshman girl in the senior math class. Really, the only thing it did for my social life is have a couple of guys who would hit someone who was nasty to me, which wasn’t really what I wanted, but I appreciated the sentiment. Frustrates me to no end that people still don’t think I can do math in my head. I can still do pi to 17 digits! I used to have 37, but I had a major head injury. I gave math up for the same reason a lot of women do, the assholes. I’ve found that my mostly male bosses are more than happy to hand the math over to me, okay female bosses too. Pretty much, I’ve found that most people who consider themselves bad at math are happy to hand it over, and I’m happy to do it, it’s satisfyingly straightforward. But I can’t say I’m good at math and let me take this, I have to do something showy and they’ll say maybe. Work twice as hard for half as much, to sum up.

    Like

  82. Jenny, you do so much already.
    If someone told me my life would be richer if I started a business, I’d deck ’em. Ive done that, which is why I don’t anymore.
    If you’re doing what you want, then that’s what you stick with.

    Merry Christmas, Jenny. and Victor. =)

    Like

    recently posted Merry Christmas.

  83. “someone who doesn’t want to do things” Yes. Could not agree more.

    Like

  84. have you ever just yelled “Victor, fuck right off..you live in the lap of luxury because of my neurosis!” Winner: The Best Selling Author ..point match!

    Like

  85. Dang, I so wish my husband and I could hang out with you and Victor. Except that would force me to socialize and I am anti-social. Not anti-social in the “stab you in the face” way – in the “the thought of making conversation makes me want to stab myself in the face” way. So, I guess I wish my husband and I didn’t have to hang out with you and Victor? That’s not it. Move along. Nothing to see here.

    (but if you are ever in Houston/Kingwood we should totally sit at a table awkwardly while our husbands talk)

    Like

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