Orphan Club: ORIGINS

in Random Crap, Vampire Orphan Club

Have you ever written something incredibly stupid but it makes you laugh when you read it?  Because this is what this is.  If you don’t like stupid then go away for now.  Also, if you’re really into comic books this might make you twitchy.

The First Rule of Orphan Club

I was wondering if Iron Man and Batman ever competed over who has the coolest stuff and I was thinking they should just work together but then I thought that maybe Stark Industries invented all of Batman’s stuff and that’s how Iron Man has so much money?  I bet Batman would sue Iron Man if he knew that.

And Batman would be’d be like, “You developed your suit while you were working for me so legally it belongs to me.”  But then Iron Man would be like, “I think you’re confusing me with my father who started Stark Industries. Take it up with him, asswipe. Just how old are you anyway?”  And then Batman would be like, “Fine. I will take it up with him. Where is he?”  And Iron Man would say, “Good luck asshole. He’s dead. Still feel like a tough guy now? My parents are dead.”

And Batman would be like, “Oh, shit. Dudebro. Hey, I’m sorry. I get it. My parents were murdered in front of me when I was eight,” and then Iron Man would be like, “Jesus, really? You win. Mine just died of old age or diabetes or something.”

(Note to self: Look up Iron Man canon before publishing this because I’m not sure about any of this.)

And they’d hug it out and decide to go to the club and make it rain but on the way there Spider Man would show up and he’d be like, “YOU GUYS. I’M AN ORPHAN TOO. ORPHAN CLUB FOR LIFE. NO GIRLS ALLOWED. Let’s pour one out for the parents, yo” and Batman would roll his eyes and be like “You can’t sit with us, Peter. You look ridiculous in that leotard and the club where we’re going is totally ‘Billionaires Only / No Leotards.’”

And Spider Man would complain that the club is totally elitist and Iron Man would be like, “Yeah, some of us have to work for a living, Spiders. We weren’t all just bitten by diseased deer-tick or whatever and then magically get powers. Some of us have to make our own magic” and Spiders would be like, “But…Orphan Club, y’all…” and Iron Man would say, “Nuh-uh. You don’t know our struggle ,Spiders“.

(Note to self: Look up what Spider Man is called by his friends because “Spiders” seems maybe not right.)

And then Spider-Man would say “I MADE THIS LEOTARD MYSELF BECAUSE I HAVE MAD DESIGN SKILLS and also I DO have a day job too thank you very much” and they’re like, “Your day job is pretending to take pictures of Spider-Man. You’re Spider-Man.  That’s fraud, Spiders.  Why don’t you just go hang out with Superman at the Not-Very-Successful-Newspaper-Journalists Club?   HAHAHAHA.”

And Spiders was like, “That club doesn’t even exist” and Batman and Iron Man would say, “THEN GO MAKE IT EXIST. Jesus, did you learn nothing from us?”

So Spiders meets Superman on a rooftop and Superman was like “They said what?  They can’t say that about me. I’m fucking royalty. And an alien. Fuck that noise. Peter? We’re going to have kill Batman and Iron Man. I’ve got a rep to protect.”

And Peter was like, “What? Are you nuts? I just wanted to start Orphan Club. ORPHAN CLUB, DUDE. We can’t kill them. They’re orphans too.”  But Superman wasn’t having it and he yelled, “WE’RE ALL ORPHANS, SPIDERS. IT DOESNT MEAN ANYTHING. THE SLATE IS AT ZERO WHEN IT COMES TO ORPHAN SYMPATHY AMONGST SUPER HEROES.”

And then Count Chocula showed up and was like “Hey guys. I’m an orphan too. Can I join your club?” And Superman was like, “First of all, I thought this was a private meeting and secondly, you’re like a million years old so of course you’re an orphan. If you’re an orphan it’s just because you didn’t bite your parents, so technically you kinda asked for it,” and Pete whispered, “Jeez. Supes. Slow your roll with the victim blaming, okay? We’re all orphans here.”

And then Underdog landed on the roof and was like, “Hey, is this Orphan Club? I don’t do intros so can I sniff your butts?” And Superman was all, “Jesus, Spiders, just how many orphans did you call?  Did you send out a facebook evite out to the universe?  Are you live-tweeting this shit? Some of us care about our secret identities and don’t want our butts sniffed.”

And then Underdog was like, “Technically I’m not even sure if my parents are still alive. I was stolen from them when I was only a few months old” and Superman was like, “DUDE. YOU’RE A DOG. THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS TO DOGS. THAT’S NOT TRAGIC.  THAT’S JUST HOW PEOPLE KEEP FROM BECOME ANIMAL HOARDERS” and then Spiders thought to himself, Jesus. Superman is kind of a dick and Count Chocula was like, “I just came here to talk though my feelings. I didn’t ask for this shit, Spiders.” And Peter was like “Yeah, I’m really sorry. I think we all just got a little emotional, which is probably natural since we’re orphans who didn’t have the proper nurturing for-”

“Hey guys!  Am I late for orphan club?”  It was Tony the Tiger. “Can we not have meetings on the roof from now on? Not all of us can fly. I almost had damn a heart attack scaling this wall.”

“Goddam it, Spiders” Superman yelled, “Is there anyone you didn’t invite here?” Then he paused and took a deep breath and said, “Okay, sorry I lost my cool. We’re not here to talk about our past. We’re here to kill Batman and Ironman. This is our new focus. Me, Spiders, flying dog, vampire and talking tiger. It’s a weird crew but I think I think I can work with this. Is anyone else coming, Spiders?”

“Well, Alvin and the Chipmunks checked ‘maybe’ but I doubt they’re coming because I’m pretty sure they can’t come to terms with the fact that Dave is a human and not their dad and is just exploiting them for money. I think it might be a Stockholme Syn-”

“FUCK THOSE CHIPMUNKS,” Superman interrupted. “This isn’t about them. This is about killing Batman and Iron man.”

Count Chocula is like, “Whoa. I did not sign up for this. I protect cereal, y’all. I’m a pacifist” and Tony the Tiger was like, “Agreed. I’ve seen enough war to last a lifetime” and Superman was like, “What, like from when you were in ‘Nam? You’re a Tiger, man. Tigers don’t go to war.”

And Tony was like, “There were dark days…when my Uncle Scar killed my father and tried to take the throne-“ and Spiders was all, “That’s totally the plot to The Lion King!” and Tony was like, “Yeah but I wouldn’t sell the rights to my story so Disney changed enough of the details so I couldn’t sue them. Switched out tigers for lions. Erased my husband completely. Gave it a happy ending. It’s sorta shitty. I was hoping Orphan Club would help me work through all of these feelings of-“

“THERE IS NO ORPHAN CLUB,” Superman yelled. “STOP WITH THE ORPHAN CLUB.”

And Underdog was like “Because it’s top secret?  Like, the first rule of orphan club is we don’t talk about orphan club?” And Superman was like “No. The first rule of Orphan Club is that Orphan Club doesn’t exist because Orphan Club is fucking stupid” and Tony the Tiger was like “Jesus, this guy is a dick” and Superman was all, “I HEARD THAT. I HAVE SUPER-HEARING, REMEMBER?” And Spiders was like, “Don’t take your personal shit out on Orphan Club, Superman.” And then Superman yelled, “You know what?  Fuck all y’all. I’m starting my own group and its the Kill Ironman and Batman and Then Come Back And Beat The Shit Out Of You Motherfuckers When I’m Done Club” and Tony the Tiger was all “That name does not sing” but it was too late because Superman flew off.

Then Spiders was like, “Shit, y’all. I’m super sorry. He’s got some emotional stuff he needs to work through” and Tony was like, “I get that but there’s no way I’m surviving getting attacked by Superman. I barely survived a fight with my elderly uncle who had no superpowers at all. I’m literally just a talking tiger.” And then Count Chocula shrugged and was said, “Ah fuck it. I’ll make you guys all vampires. Just be careful around wooden stakes and you’ll be fine.” And he totally did, even though he was slightly dog blood intolerant and he had diarrhea for a few days. “Meh …what’s a little diarrhea between friends?” he said as he made Underdog immortal.  And that’s when they suddenly realized that they weren’t just orphans after all. They were a family. And that’s the true meaning of Orphan Club.

And also that’s how Spider-Man, Count Chocula, Underdog and Tony the Tiger became a gang of vampiric crime-fighters who didn’t like Superman but also didn’t really like Iron Man or Batman either so they decided to just let them deal with their own shit and instead focus on stuff like wiping out cholera and homophobia and racial intolerance and people who say they’re allergic to gluten when they’re not really allergic to gluten.

NEW FRANCHISE STARTS HERE.  (Call me, Stan Lee.)

Advanced praise for Vampire Orphan Club:

Tony the Tiger ~ “It’s Greeeat!”

304 thoughts on “Orphan Club: ORIGINS”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Spidey. I couldn’t read the rest of this because I was going, “Spidey! His nickname is Spidey!”

    (So was Victor. He got all kinds of twitchy. But “Spiders” is way funnier. ~ Jenny)

  3. Wait! How can you have a post about “Orphan Club” and not include Little Orphan Annie! Quick, add a postscript!

    (That’s issue 4. I got this shit all thought out. ~ Jenny)

  10. I’m just – that was – seriously gold, man! Oh, that made my day, which was in desperate need of making, what with the non-napping baby and puking preschooler. Thank you!!

  13. I think they call him ‘Spidey’. Since spiders already have the reputation for biting and sucking out blood (even though they don’t), could count Chocula and Spidey already be brothers? Is making him a vampire then kind of like cannibalism?

  20. I’m with Janet and Victor, the “Spiders” instead of “Spidey” had me twitchy (but other than that, it was awesome). Maybe we should form the Twitchy About Spiders Club? 😀

  21. I love the Marvel/DC buddy system. And I was totally waiting for Boo Berry (holy shit, that looks like boob-ery) and Franken Berry to show up. And the Aflac duck.And maybe also Little Orphan Annie. But she’d proably side with Superman.

  25. That piece just made my day! Can’t wait for the movie – and Stan Lee can make a cameo as a taxidermied (is that a even a word?) hot dog vendor…Happy Tuesday 🙂

  27. My hubby’s first comment: Batman and iron man aren’t in the same comic book. LOL Love this 🙂

  28. I did twitch a little what with the unholy mixing of DC and Marvel but I can totally see this happening.

  31. Agreed…Superman is a total dick.

    I stopped being twitchy when count chocula showed up…at that point you just throw your hands in the air and go ‘WHHEEEEEEEE!’

  32. This was funny, but I feel like I need to smoke some crack and then reread to fully appreciate

  35. Now I’m not sure if it’s really funny of if my lack of sleep is making it really funny.

    I’m going to go with really funny. Because I don’t need the stress of thinking I am hallucinating jokes on top of the insomnia. That would be too much.

  36. This really needs to be a short film. Seriously. It’s feel-good factor is even better than videos of baby otters or sloths. Do you know anyone at Funny or Die?

  37. Just like guys–start off with a pissing contest and end up immortal bros for life. I would have loved to see Conan the Barbarian in that mix, though. And yes, I agree that it’s Spidey. Or Webface.

  38. Thank you for this. I needed a laugh. It’s be a rough couple of weeks and today is no picnic.

  39. Seriously, I laughed so hard my team wanted to know what I was reading, so I shared. I think they left to go get me one of those awesome suits with the long arms that helps you hug yourself.

  42. If Spiderman got his powers from being bitten by a radioactive spider, and then the Count sucks his radioactive blood, does that give the Count super spider powers too?

  43. DUDE. I didn’t even notice the twitches (which is weird cos I’m an asshole about stuff like that) because this stream of consciousness had me laughing so hard that I wasn’t even making any noise, just sitting at my desk making AWFUL faces (mayhap what the Count looked like after he nomnomnommed on Underdog) with tears in my eyes. My co-workers either thought one of my cats died or perhaps my appendix exploded. So, gimme a tshirt with an Orphan Club logo on the front and ‘Fuck all y’all’ on the back and I’ll give you moneys….

  45. Jenny, if I didn’t love you before, I do now.

    And I totally did before.

    So, I should totally amp up to creepy obssessed stalker love now, but I’m broke, have too many kids, and am pretty lazy, and stalking sounds both expensive and like it takes effort.

    So I’ll just swoon quietly in my chair and hope some kid wanders by and brings me food.

  51. There can be a crossover with any Disney characters cause they pretty much all don’t have parents. What’s up with that Disney?

  53. All superheroes and regular heroes (boys, girls, spiders, dogs) are orphans because if they had moms, their moms would NEVER let them do that shit.

  54. Thank you for the laugh this morning. Pretty sad news in my neighborhood and laughter always balances the scales.

  55. Tennessee Tuxedo , Toucan Sam and the Coco-Puffs bird were left out and are plotting revenge. Rumor has it they are going to form their own club, kidnap Underdog and declare a gangland war on Vampire Orphan Club.

  57. Did Stark work for Wayne Enterprises before starting his own company? Maybe there should be an epic face off with Batman and Ironman each selecting one piece of technology (Ironman could only pick a piece from his suit) to fight out patent rights!

  61. What.The.Hell. This just filled a void in my life that I didn’t even know existed before this very moment. Thank you, Jenny.

  68. So when Count Chocoula drank Underdog and Spierman’s blood did he get a little of their super powers?

  71. Love this so much. In the sequel, please add the Pillsbury Dough Boy, who is extra tragically an orphan, since people actually ate his family. There will be a sequel, right?

  72. I love this more than any words could possibly say

    Please write more of these, please

  73. I kept waiting for The Tick to show up, but then I realized that I must have the tick, because why else would my eye be twitching…?

  74. And now I want to collaborate on Orphan Club – and then Orphan Club the next generation OOH! OOH! or Orphan Club – We’re Not All Heroes. Max and Ruby (you know, the rabbit siblings whose parents aren’t ever around (although grandma comes to visit once in awhile), Penny from The Rescuers, Bambi (they shoot his Momma!), Margo, Edith and Agnes (Despicable Me). Wilbur from Charlottes Web, nobody has a mom in KIngdom Hearts (vid game), Wonder Woman – I could go on all day!!!

  79. Is Kill Ironman and Batman and Then Come Back And Beat The Shit Out Of You Motherfuckers When I’m Done Club the extensive sequel to Orphan Club?

    Because if so, I’m stoked for your next book. SIGN ME UP.

  80. Oh sweet Mary, I just about swallowed my tongue trying not to laugh out loud. And then Underdog had Chocola induced arty farty ring twitter skitters and I about imploded. Yes, I will need a tee with orphan club.

  85. There you go, mixing your DC and Marvel super heroes. I’m sure that would make some twitch. Why do I know this? I am married to a man who may own more comic books than God without owning a store.

  86. This can also do double duty as the prologue to Batman vs Superman. Now I get why they’re so pissed at each other!

  87. I think I just scared the woman next to me. I’m trying not to laugh so I did that snorty thing and then coughed after trying to disguise it. Note to self: no more Blogess reading in public.

    Well done. I can’t wait for the next issue 😀

  88. Um Spidey is kinda a dick too. That’s why he was my favorite. He was always cracking inappropriate jokes. Who is this nice guy Spiders you invented? Cuz it’s totally NOT Peter Parker.

  89. And then Elsa came along with the Black Widow and Scarlet Witch and froze their asses. Then had tea because women are awesome.

  90. ITS OFFICIAL: Jenny Lawson has gone off the rails…it was just a matter of time and subject matter.

  91. I just read aloud this entire article in one exhale and all I could think was “She didn’t say Hong Kong Phooey” – *mic drop

  92. When I saw the title, I thought I can’t read this, I AM an orphan (albeit an old one, but still.) But then read on — I’M A FUCKIN’ SUPERHERO.
    Thank you, Jenny!

  95. Can you add to this story of Orphans Club. With the other superheroes? Write out to volume 10 or something. This was too funny and should so be a franchise. Can anyone from the tribe draw, and knows how to draw superheroes ?

  96. Hilarious. Seriously. Supes has always been a bit of a dick, so I’m glad the others kicked him out. Waiting anxiously for issue #2….

  97. This is brilliant and demands a sequel. i like the idea of including Orphan Black in Orphan Club. Clones are welcome, aren’t they?

  98. I couldn’t get past the first paragraph cuz it was too long and I wasn’t interested. Is that wrong of me to say? Kisses and hugs.

  99. LOVE LOVE LOVE This! I always hated superhero syndrome anyway and this actually makes them both likable and useful. Besides, who knew that dog blood gives vampires diarrhea? I had never thought about it. Granted, the Cullens always looked anemic from deer blood, but I’m not a fan, so that is their problem not mine. And… I always like TtT. He is always so upbeat.

  101. So. Somehow I read this title wrong and thought it was about Orphan Black and then I was confused because that’s a tv show not a comic book and then I got sad because Orphan Black isn’t on at the moment and I loves it. And since this has been one huge grammatical mess I’m just going back to work (read as thinking about Orphan Black)

  103. I swear by all that’s holy…you and I are sisters who were separated at birth…truly 😀

  104. Now that I’m done laughing and cleaned up the coffee I spit on my computer monitor – okay first, I thought the First Rule of Orphan Club is You Don’t Talk About Orphan Club. Second, I thought Orphan Club would be like Orphan Black fans or some such thing since you were discussing OB recently. Third, what exactly is Count Chocula’s superpower besides giving kids a crack-like sugar high? Fourth, I always thought Spiderman might be descended from Aragog.

  105. So, is this Chapter one of your new book? I hope so. You are totally pixilated, and I mean that in the nicest sense of the word. I love you, Jenny!!!!!

  107. YES! Reading this is like you read my random thoughts throughout the day! Thank you for making it so normal!!! YAY!!!!

  108. Let’s not forget that the Pirates of Penzance were ALL orphan boys (and so was Frederick). I wouldn’t count on them for fighting, they couldn’t even fight off a bunch of girls, but they’d be great on club sing-along nights!

  109. GOD superman is such a dick!!! Just because your planet blows up and kills everyone you love doesn’t mean you get to be a twat waffle!!!

  110. Kill Ironman and Batman and Then Come Back And Beat The Shit Out Of You Motherfuckers When I’m Done Club- This line right here is pure gold, absolutely gold. Lock it in a vault, it’s that valuable.

  112. Dang, Jenny! This isn’t any dumber that most superhero comics. Probably better than most!

  114. So funny, I didn’t want it to end. On behalf of my sons, no Star Wars characters, I’m sure some of them were orphans.

    Also thank you Tanya for the gift of the book for my son.

  116. I feel like this needs more loincloth. Can we get Tarzan in on this? I’ve always enjoyed looking at him, particularly when he was Brendan Frasier.

    I love you, Jenny, for making me laugh hysterically so early in my day 🙂 <3

  117. Seriously, this is THE graphic novel series that I will finally collect from the beginning. Or… collect at all. LET’S KICKSTARTER THIS PUPPY!!! It’ll be bigger than Sandman.

  119. I’ve been a member of the orphan club for a little over 7 years. Whenever someone I know loses their parents, I have the distinction of welcoming them into the shittiest club ever. I’m not a fan of Orphan Club, but I definitely want to find out what happens next with your cereal vampire posse!

  120. Hysterical…Just this AM. My five year old son said, “Look I’m wearing my favorites shirt…
    I love it because it’s made by iPhone.”
    Me: it’s A Beetles t shirt.
    (It says, The Beatles inside the apple)
    Me: Do you know who the beetles are?
    Him: YES he’s a super hero from captain America.
    Can’t make this shit up!

  121. When I think about it, I bet Bambi and Batman would have a lot in common too, with the kid-watching-parents-get-murdered thing. So how did Bambi not become a twisted billionaire with a black onesie in the basement? Did the cute little bunnies save his psyche, or is he just a bundle of kill waiting to explode?
    And what about the Not Orphan But Wish I Was Club, for the ones with dick parents? Like Rudolph? I’m not sure I would have forgiven so easily if my dad went along with everybody making fun of my nose and my mom just let it happen.
    Jeez, maybe there is a whole club of Deer With Issues out there.
    Jenny, I think you’ve got a whole new art form here.

  124. Oh, lordy, girl. If you lived in My Part Of Texas, you and I would hang out, laugh at our pets being ridiculous and plot new ways to make our husbands roll their eyes.

  126. My friends constantly as me if my brain REALLY works like that when I come up with off the wall shit I think about it, Now Jenny, now when they ask me that, I am going to send them here from now on to read this when they say that. I loved it, I really really loved it.

  127. I love your BRAIN..With speed of lightening we shall usher u into the Tardis of Dr Who as Under dog shouts ” There’s no need to fear, Under Dog is here!” and Tony is like…Yea..I’ts Great..and then Count Chocula smirks…”And u thought Tricks were for kids..not Rabbits” You my dear are wired Brilliantly.

  130. Happy to confirm that yes, this blog entry is funny. (I’m also relieved that somebody finally realized Superman is a dick besides me. I’ve been holding it in all this time.)

  133. If nobody else piped up already, I would so draw this. Vampire tigers. Who doesn’t need that in their resume of “comics I have done.” Yes.

  134. Wow, I’m sure the plot to Batman vs. Superman will be just like this. Is it wrong that I kind of want to know what happens next? Plus I think Spiders is a great nickname, maybe even better then Spidey. 🙂

  135. I’m among the gluten-intolerant. Not allergic, but jeez, it’s like a choo-choo train running through my gut. So yeah, some of us can’t eat gluten. Don’t curse us for it.

    I’m vegan, too. You can curse me for that.

  138. I’m reading this whole thing going “His name is Spidey” but then it got to Superman and I figure he’d call him Spiders just to be an asshole.

  140. Phew, for a minute there I thought Tony the tiger was going to eat them all. I’ve actually worked with tigers, and NONE of them eat cereal. I think it’s a scam so he can attract more prey. Kid prey. Bastard.

  144. Agree with the whole “SPIDEY”/wtfbbq dc/marvel huuuuh? But that’s what makes it genius, yo. What no one else has said is that Jenny? You totally need to post this on fanfic whatever, along with 80 more installments and then you change the name and BOOM NEW TWILIGHT or 50 shades or whatever. Only with less goddesses and tampons and bad writing. And then you’d be a gazillionaire. And if ANYONE deserves to be a gazillionaire, it’s you!!!!!

  145. If Count Chocula bites a guy who was bitten by a radioactive spider, does he get the same super-enhanced abilities that Spider-Man got? Are they both vampire-spider-man hybrids? And does the craving for chocolate cereal product convey? These are the important things that need to be explored in future issues.

  146. I am also a an orphan…an old one but one none the less…and what were you on this morning?? I need some of that shit…

  147. This would break the brains of so many hardcore fans… and for that reason alone, it is GENIUS. (If you take your comics so seriously you can’t laugh at this, you take your funny books too damn srs, y’all. They’re supposed to be fun.) I may start calling him Spiders over Spidey now, just to annoy people. LOL, there’s some guys in my discussion group who are huge Spider-Man fans, and they might have breakdowns. 😀 Sowing a little chaos and confusion, life is good. Jenny, if I haven’t mentioned it recently, I fucking adore you. <3

  148. I enjoyed this so much, I’ll overlook the DC/Marvel co-mingling. I’ve always thought Batman was a douche, this cemented my belief!

    Well done! Long live Vampires Orphan Club!

  150. I believe Iron Man’s parents were killed in a car accident, so TOTALLY meets the Orphan Club qualifications.

  152. You totally need to add The Wonder Twins so they can turn their orphan asses into an eagle and a bucket of milk for all rhe cereal.

  156. You are way cray,cray and you’re my hero! You make me laugh til I cry and that’s the best ever!💖✌

  157. I read this as my son was playing superheroes and apparently I’m iron man. At least I’m hot (swoons over Robert Downey Jr). Apparently Hulk dislikes my choice in music today. I might try and disown the Hulk side of my family so I can rock out to my tunes in peace.

  158. I’m sensing some misogynistic overtones here… No lady orphans? And no, that’s not a euphemism.

  160. You are a fabulous woman! This was very powerful for me and because of how I think. Keep rocking it girl.

  164. THANK YOU! Today of all days, I really needed to laugh until I cried. (I am a comic book reader, and I took no offense whatsoever. And yeah, Spiders is way funnier.) I tried, with what I thought was success to wean off of my anti-anxiety/depression med. Two weeks of awesomeness after a slow wean, and then today? Total meltdown over what kind of sandwich I wanted for lunch. I’m talking nuclear. Counting, walking around the cafeteria after my optometrist appointment at our local hospital trying not to cry because there were eight sandwiches, god dammit, and how was I supposed to pick one? I ended up in the nearest bathroom trying to stop hyperventilating. There could have been a tiny chorus of fuck, fuck, fuck, coming from my stall. I still hope no one heard me. I ended up with chili – that had icky beans in it – and I didn’t cry. And I drove myself home to pop that magic pill. So win? Loss? Draw? Who cares, now I’m laughing.

  166. That’s the most epic story I’ve seen today, bravo! You should see about getting the rights to publish, I’d totally read this in comic form! Not very likely or even possible, but we can dream, can’t we?

  167. WTF????? I got lost way back near the beginning. What have you been taking? Or maybe I have had one to many shots of Vodka. Love you. 🙂

  169. This made me laugh a lot. And it also made me happy to know that other people make up random weird stuff in their heads and I’m not alone. 🙂

  170. Chipmunks with Stockholm Syndrome! That, my friend, is pure gold!
    I do think spiders was being a little bit of a dick himself by proclaiming “no girls” from the get go. Velma from Scooby doo should totally be in orphan’s club! I don’t know if she is an orphan for sure or not, but she was a teenager when I was a small child and both of my parents have died, so odds are, hers might be gone by now too. I totally feel like I over analyzed that last bit, but feel that in this context, it’s plausible enough to make it work, because Velma is awesome and Orphan Club needs her. Or Malificent. She’d be good too.

  174. At the end I feel you should have written “Hey Stan Lee, call me!” because I totally read that without the comma at first and I was like “I don’t want to you call you Stan Lee, Jenny. That just doesn’t seem respectful.”

  176. I just sent this link to the other half, because you just proved that I am not alone in my thinking! We had deep conversations about Deadpool and how can he have long term cancer? How does one have long term cancer and the ability to heal themselves? And that is some messed up stuff if he can’t heal himself and people have him faulty healing powers.

  177. Spiders is DEF funnier than Spidey! Hilarious!!! OMG I love this! And I, too, think Superman is a dick.

  178. Please, please, please let there be more of this in the future! Can we get this made into a comic book series, but instead of drawing it, we could use LEGOs!

    I’m never calling Spiderman “Spidey” again because “Spiders” is so much funnier. Love it!

  179. That was the best, though…because you made those comic book characters like a hundred times more interesting than they are in the comics!! I would totally read the sequel to that story.

  180. So, I genuinely just had the thought ‘I wish MY parents were dead so I could join vampire orphan club’ I mean obviously, mam if you’re reading this I DONT ACTUALLY WANT YOU TO DIE… It’s just, well, that seems like a pretty sweet crowd to run with. Can hawkeye join?

  182. This is the most confusing fanfiction I’ve ever read! Well, second most. Most confusing that didn’t reference knotting.

  184. Supes is totes closed off with his feelings, but Aquaman gets left out of EVERYTHING! The fun part is that I’m now going to share this with people who will get twitchy about it.

  186. Loved this! The dog was slightly confused by my giggling but eventually ignored me. Can’t wait for illustrarions and installment #2!

  189. OMG! I loved this! Laughed so hard I fell off the sofa and catapulted Garrus, Kasumi & Tucker into the air! (We [me & my feline crew] were watching Fringe.) Thanks Jenny! Too funny! Just what I needed today 🙂

  190. Everytime I read stuff like this it gives a good laugh and some insight into what I imagine it is like in my husband’s and best friend’s heads. I sometimes get exhausted just trying to imagine all of the random thoughts racing through their brains.

  192. I’m sure there are comic book geeks everywhere who are currently forming a Kill Bloggess club…and they might even be some orphans in it.

  194. I have to remember not to drink anything when I read this shit because it usually sprays out my nose. Loved it! Can’t wait for the next one.

  197. First off, I totally want to help make this a real thing!! Stan Lee, Sir?! Please call me too. I will bring you chai tea lattes and cookies!!
    Second since Spiders is the perfect nickname for PP (Ewww, pp!), and I think Superman is a total dick…the. He needs an and to reflect this! Super… Oh, wait. I was actually about to suggest Super Dick. But..it’s just…wrong. Also a completely different kind of comic book!
    My point is, Jenny..please keep writing this!

    E

  200. I wanna see Wonder Woman come in and kick some ass (except for Under
    Dog, because I thought I was the only one who remembered him). In fact, I was singing his song just last week…dadadada blah blah blah blah UNDERDOG! Honest I knew it last week, my husband even joined in…does anyone else have NO FUCKING MEMORY LEFT???

  201. This was the best thing I’ve read in a long time. I was laughing so hard I was crying.

  203. This was completely hilarious! I love the idea of Count Chocula biting them all and turning them into fellow cereal vampires.

    I am so going to die laughing if Iron Man starts calling Spiderman “Spiders” in the new movie.

  204. If you can make a script of this to fit an 8-minute time frame, this would work as a Saturday Night Live vignette. I always thought that Batman would be the bigger douche than Superman. However, I did catch the idea that now, Spiderman has been fanged twice.

  205. Technically Batman originally wore leotards too, does that mean he would have to turn his membership? And I bet his friends call him Spidy …Spiderman’s, not Batman, not sure if I need to clarify that.

  207. I’m so glad Underdog is a part of this awesome Orphan club comic strip, he was my hero when I was little..He would hide in my closet with me when I was little. Besides keeping me company while hiding, whether I was hiding from ‘people’ or from my dad when he was pissed….Underdog was always there for me & He still is😂

  208. So where was Super Chicken in all of this? Were Iron man and Batman too elitist to allow the billionaire chicken into their club or is it the whole anti drug-induced super powers snobbery thing?

  210. Pingback: Shares and other Blogging things | The Mad Grad Student

  211. Okay, I didn’t read all the comments, because I’m always last to the party and everyone’s said it, but once again, you rock, Jenny! Went Pirates of Penzance all over the comic book crowd and threw in some of my favorites from childhood. Totally dug Tony’s story. Love, love you!

  213. re: Quirky Chrissy | February 16, 2016 at 12:29 pm
    …And the Aflac duck….

    He showed up as Ben Aflac to take on the Superman

  214. I kept worrying how you were going to get permissions to use all these characters when you publish the book, cause you know Disney is totally going to try to claim it all, I thought it started a little slow with Batman and Ironman, but things perked up when you opened up cereal, retro cartoon and Sesame Street. characters. Oh, wait, Count Chocula is cereal too. But I think Oscar the Grouch would fit right in. Love the way you write.

  217. Ha-freakin’-larious! Reading in bed while my husband is asleep next to me, trying not to wake him with laughter!

  218. Pingback: Orphan Club: ORIGINS | mvm2907

  219. Oh, whew. Someone within the first 100 comments pointed you to Superdickery, the original home of the “Superman is a dick” meme. And the first comment out of the gate pointed out “Spidey”. So both things I was thinking the whole time I was reading were covered already. I knew I could depend on y’all.

  222. This was so awesome! The only one missing for me was Saturn Girl because she can read minds so she’d be able to ferret out anyone who wasn’t REALLY an orphan and was just coming for the coffee and donuts. And speaking of people pretending to be something try aren’t, have you and Victor had the whole “Is Batman a super-hero” conversation/argument. If you have then I probably thought of it cause you already blogged about it or its in your book so THANKS FOR STEALING MY THUNDER– But anyway–My son and I have an ongoing argument about this because I say Batman is not a super-hero because he doesn’t have any super powers! But my son says yes he does, he has the power of awesomeness and I say that’s not a power and then we get into a real throw down about utility belts and the fact that real super-heroes do NOT have butlers. I win.

  223. Also…what if you aren’t allergic to gluten but you have an unnatural fear of gluten but if you said that people would think you were crazy and so you have to say you’re allergic? Um, I’m asking for a friend.

  224. “If you don’t like stupid then go away for now.” => Boy, you don’t know me at all, do you? 😉
    PS: I love this and this is exactly why you are the Queen of Everything. <3

  226. BUTTONS…. What the world needs now is Orphan Club BUTTONS!! Yep, I’d wear the shit outta a button like that!

  230. I would have had Oedipus try to join, but Spiders would be all offended because Oed is only a half-orphan because he killed his own dad, plus he married his own mom, so gross. But Oed would be like, Well, at least I didn’t kill my own uncle who was totally like a father to me anyway. And Spiders goes, It wasn’t me it was that random robber I didn’t stop when I was coming out of the Tonight Show because I let all the fame go to my head and make me an asshole like Superman. And Bats is like, Random robber! That’s that the guy who killed my parents. You mean you could have stopped him before we were both orphaned you stupid punk bastard! Actually, Spiders was already an orphan, though Stan like never even mentioned his parents, but Andrew Garfield did, but his second movie totally sucked and now someone else is going to be Spiders in the new Captain America movie. Hey, says Iron Man, I’m totally in that movie! I play the asshole! I thought that was Supes? No, says Batman, I’m the asshole in Supes’ next movie. Technically, says Andrew Garfield, I’m the only orphan here, because my franchise died and/or abandoned me. I killed your franchise, says Hamlet. It was sleeping with my mother. No way! says Oed. Your mom is totally hot!

  231. I was having the worst morning….this made things better. You always have a way of making things better….usually with the most irrelevant things!!!

    And the comments….I know you have said it over and over, but the comments make this blog so much better! Your readers are brilliant! (With the exception of me, but I at least get to be in the web-presence of brilliance!)

  232. Thank you for consistently making me laugh. And Spides is totally his grown-up nickname. Billys grow up to be Bills. Spidey grew up to be Spides.

  234. This is the best thing I have experienced all day! I came to read your blog because I needed a break from work, and I had to stop halfway through so I wouldn’t laugh hysterically

  237. Wow. I love this story almost as much as I love “Knock, Knock, Motherfucker”. I want to say inspirational, but I think there needs to be a word that’s similar but incorporates “non-rational” but in an inspiring kinda way…because that’s what this is. Inspi-non-rationally great. I swear, that’s a compliment.

  238. “Have you ever written something incredibly stupid but it makes you laugh when you read it?” This is basically everything I’ve ever written, so yeah. This is by far though, the most random. I found in scrawled (in my handwriting) in a notebook one day. Was I drunk? Was I high? The eternal mystery.

    “Hi, I’m Mike and he’s Steve- together we’re Meve! Today, we’re in the nortress (a tree fortress made out of a bike helmet.) Shhhh! We’re hiding from Jedward.”

    …yup.

  242. My mom and dad are both dead.
    Guess I am part of Orphan club now too.

    Can I get a t-shirt with that?

  243. I’m glad I’m not the only one who wanted Frankenberry and Boo Berry to show up. Best part of October is when the Monster Cereals hit the shelves. The rest of the year we’re ALL MONSTER CEREAL ORPHANS.
    Think about that.
    And if Count Chocula, Frankenberry, and Boo Berry get in there Yummy Mummy and Fruit Brute need to be invited too. They don’t even get to come back for the annual October sugar cereal gorge fest. Especially Fruit Brute. HE’S A WEREWOLF WITH HIS OWN CEREAL! How much cooler can you get?

    https://c2.staticflickr.com/4/3063/2328788371_dcb6b8f727_b.jpg

  245. This story needs a character called Orphanator who just flies around and turns everything into orphans. Even chairs. It doesn’t matter. Everything is orphans.

  246. I think the world is a better place with this story in it, and hope this is the few remaining clues of our society that survives after the apocalypse.

  247. First rule of orphan club, do not talk about orphan club…fuck it.

    Totally dig this rendition of the comic/television world meeting. Guess it needs Big Bird and me.

  249. Now THERE is a bedtime story for ya. 😀
    Something half-different: I am currently listening to the audiobook of ‘Let’s pretend this never happened’. While I am on the train to work. And sometimes I have to work really hard not to laugh out loud like a maniac but I am still grinning like mad. People are scared of me now. I can see how they look out for a hiding place. Four seats to myself during rush hour. Not bad.

  251. “Spiders” doesn’t make me as twitchy as “gluten allergy” does. But I’m twitchy about that for, probably, the wrong reasons. See, I can totally understand why some people use the word allergy in reference to gluten. The general population is aware enough of what an allergy is that they understand that allergy = really really bad. Unfortunately most people are not as aware of the significance of a gluten intolerance or sensitivity (hint: it also equals really really bad). And there’s been so much press about people who go gluten free as some sort of fad diet that, now, it’s understandable why so many people want to roll their eyes every time they hear the word gluten. If I tell a waitress that I have gluten ataxia, the best I can hope for is blank look. If I further explain that eating gluten could cause permanent damage to my cerebellum, the waitress might begin to grasp that gluten is a bad idea for me. Or the waitress might be slammed and too busy to care. If I say the magic word “allergy,” suddenly it’s considered a real issue. I struggle with this annoying problem all of the time. The hardest part is that there doesn’t seem to be a correct way to handle it. I know it isn’t an allergy, but it is more serious than a ‘lifestyle choice’. How do I convey that?

    (I think just by explaining it each time. It sucks but I’ve gotten to that point with all my medical issues. It’s crappy to have to educate everyone in the world but it makes it easier for the next person who won’t have to explain as much. That’s what makes it easier for me to deal with. ~ Jenny)

  253. No Girls allowed in the Orphan Club!! Screw that shit! Ladies, we need to start our own Orphan Club! Only one of my parents is dead, but it’s only a matter of time before the other bites the dust because of his stupid triple creme cheese addiction. I say, we make Hillary Clinton the president of the Orphan club (someone please check to see if her parents are orphans).

  256. WOW. Your amazing mind just totally blew my boring little mind. Favorite bit: Tony the Tiger referring to his husband.

  257. thank you. my last 24 hours has been emotional and this totally lifted my spirits 😀

  258. For some reason my brain turned Orphan club into Oprah club for the first 3 paragraphs. I was confused about why they were forming an Oprah club but figured it was because of the beaucoup (a word I use but have never had to spell until this moment) of money they each had. Orphan club make way more sense.

  259. How about a “Surviving Parents of Superheroes” club? It would be much more manageable, because there would be so few members!

  260. This guy has a whole series dating back 6 years. The first ones were a riff on the old Mac vs PC commercials. Enjoy!

  262. Jennnnnyyy, you forgot the obvious — Peter Pan, who is actually an orphan MAKER! Now THERE’S a real dick. Also, Pinocchio, strictly for the wood jokes. Please bring on the next installment!

  266. You have made me so happy! I love you, Bloggess! Thanks for your special brand of crazy. After a crappy day, this so totally rocked my world! More, please.

  267. For some reason, I really thought “orphan club” was White Oleander. Like, the show. On Netflix. I don’t know why. Is there an Orphan-Something on Netflix that looks like the White Oleander thing? Whatever. Turns out, this is nothing like what I was imagining it would be. And, I was amused. And, sorry I took so long to read it. Thank you. 🙂

  269. I love this. and yes, Spiders is way funnier than Spidey…
    Did anyone consider Speedy Alka Seltzer? He’s pretty annoying, but cute…ohhh and probably the oldest orphan of all, Howdy Doody, who is definitely annoying, and scary/cute…

    I was also thinking, didn’t Tony theTiger have a brother, or a cousin, who worked for Esso in the 60s? “put a tiger in your tank…”

  273. I am totally on board with the t-shirt idea, but Superman has to be standing off to one side looking all sullen and angry while Iron Man and Batman are way up in the front looking smug. I even picked Batman over Spiders because he has a butler. LOL!

  274. Oh dear.
    Dear, dear Bloggess.
    Dear, dear, dear to my heart, Jenney

    You are even more ignorant than I am on the haps in the the Super Hero world.
    I expect to see a Stan Lee Obituary any day now, because of this.
    THIS IS ON YOU!

    One of the most important things I have learned about Batman, is that Batman has a contingency play for every super hero, should they turn bad. And he anticipates that sooner or later, they will either try to take over the world for the good of mankind, or get tired of the fight and set themselves up as dictators just because they have become bitter.

    So I also expect to see an obituary for both Clark Kent and Superman as well. Also on you!
    Did you not know that Batman has a private store of Kryptonite stashed?

    My fav is your convos with Victor. I really wish you had first consulted with Victor on this, not only because he could help you with plausible nicknames for Spidey, but also you could get the whole origins of Batman’s cool toys thingy correct. Hello? Wayne Enterprises?

    Your portrayal of the cereal box characters, however, was spot on. It’s like you KNOW them!

  275. Pingback: tugra28 | tugraelektrikelekronikcom

  276. I love this! It is like the little stories that I used to make up and then everyone would think I was weird because I laughed to hard to actually tell the story. Made my day 🙂

  278. I can’t even tell you how awesome it is to be able to show this to my husband and hear him say “Jeezus…there’s another person out there like YOU!!!” And she’s famous and awesome I tell him – so how lucky is he??? 😉

  281. best line in the whole thing: And he totally did, even though he was slightly dog blood intolerant and he had diarrhea for a few days.
    (People at work just asked if I’m laughing or crying… oh bless!)

  283. Pingback: Brian Roffino | Jenny Lawson is a Comedic Genius
  288. Pingback: Orphan Club: ORIGINS | amnamaliksite

  290. I think Gilbert and Sullivan already wrote this in The pirates of Penzance. You’ll probably have to fight their estates for the franchise. Sorry.

  291. Do you ever read a really good book and go OMG I NEED MORE WHY HAS THE AUTHOR NOT ALREADY WRITTEN MORE and now I am sad because there is no more…and then you realize that if they did write more there is very little chance that it could ever live up to the original because it was not only awesome but finished perfectly and then you are even sadder … and will never meet those characters again and that makes you more sad … and then you say thats okay I can read it over again and enjoy it forever but you realize you only get to read something for the first time once and you totally wasted it because you read through it so fast because it was funny and then you cry … and then you go to the library because damn it there is a good book out there that I haven’t read and I am going to find it if it kills me because I need a rebound 🙂
    That’s my reaction, sad because I hate the ending parts and really good at run-on sentences, I think because that is how I talk so ya…
    Headed to the Library 

  293. I wish I could just get into your head for a day or two. I’m sure it would be like alice in wonderland or something. I love you Jenny.

  295. Pingback: The Art of Darkness » Blog Archive » How Green Was My Link Dump

  297. OMG That was the BEST fraking thing I’ve read all week. I don’t even care you called him Spiders.

  299. It took me a while to comment on this because I laughed so hard, I peed myself and had to change my pants. Thanks a lot.

    Totally non-sarcastic thanks, btw. I really, really needed to laugh. But also, I just now got a copy of Furiously Happy, so I’m going to be reading that for a while.

  301. So Amy Pond is an orphan, we really need her to join Orphan Club too, even though she’s now an assassin (problemly) in the Marvel universe. And Rory from that new time-travelling show, although I’m not sure if he lost his parents or just his wife and kid. Which is bad enough.

  302. I love this so much! I could picture this as a web series. I like the way you think.

  303. I don’t know why my Marvel/DC-obsessed husband didn’t find this as hilarious as I did. Oh yes, I do. Because apparently he knew that DC and Marvel comics can’t coexist in a tale like they do in yours.Pfft. Well, I don’t want to live in a reality where they can’t…or where my husband knows these things. Fml. Keep writing and keep me laughing!

  304. Pingback: Orphan Club: ORIGINS – michaelfhotchkiss renaissanceman

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It\'s like I\'m stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

Discover more from The Bloggess

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading