REJECTED BY OPRAH.

Okay, I wasn’t really rejected by Oprah at all, but it makes a better title than “Someone from Oprah’s magazine asked if I’d write something about social media etiquette for them but then when I turned it in they were like, ‘We still love you but, no, not quite this’ so I decided to just share it here.”  But that title is very descriptive so I’m gonna leave it here too.  And now, to the article that I’m giving you for free.  YOU ARE WELCOME:

It’s easy to forget that there is a proper etiquette when it comes to sharing on social media, but no worries…I’m here to help.

1. Be as angrily vague as possible in your status updates. “Now I know who my REAL friends are” or “You think you’re cute” or “I’m smiling but I will poison you when you least expect it.” Make your friends and family as uncomfortable and unsettled as possible all the time.

2. Be shocked and outraged at least once a day. If you can’t start a tweet or Facebook status with “HOW DARE YOU” then it’s probably not worth saying.

3. If strangers online disagree with you, devote your day to yelling at them and getting everyone you know to yell at them as well. Don’t just unfollow them. Track them down and destroy them. Put your entire life on hold to focus on all-caps fights with them. It’s pretty much the written equivalent of public scream-crying and people fucking LOVE that.

4. Share inflammatory fake news on a daily basis. Did you know that Obama eats 18 live kittens a day? Well, I do now. Thanks for the update, Aunt Sue.

5. Never let on that you are a real human being. Your instagram feed should be beautifully curated to focus the maximum amount of shame and unrealistic expectations on everyone else. Also, use the word “curated” every day, non-ironically.

6. Share that super sexual picture of you on the internet. Sure, your parents and a bunch of creepy strangers will see it but so might that one guy you think may have ignored you at Starbucks that one time.

7. Intentionally misread satire. Get really pissed about it. Share it online and demand that everyone else share it too.  Then get more pissed when others clarify that it’s clearly sarcasm. Block those people. Block them as loudly and as hard as you can.

8.  Write the rules on social media etiquette.  No, literally.  Write them down.  Then make everyone feel bad for not following them even though you don’t actually follow them yourself.

9. Sharing means caring. If you don’t share this article then 20 angels will die. Whatever. Your choice.

 

197 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I’m shocked that Oprah’s people didn’t want this. This is gold. It’s their loss Jenny.

    Liked by 8 people

    Gary Lum recently posted Weekend recovery.

  2. WTH. YOU rejected OPRAH!

    Liked by 8 people

    BipolarOnFire recently posted Up and Down.

  3. Applause

    Oprah’s loss, really. You should block her. Loudly.

    Liked by 10 people

    Kelly and Geoff recently posted Sweet Sadie, can she be your Lady?.

  4. How dare you, Oprah!
    Short sighted really.
    PS: You are still one of my favourite things.

    Liked by 4 people

    Kristine @ MumRevised recently posted To My Coffee Maker, With Love.

  5. 10, Share photos of your food every day. Every meal. Your kids’ meals. Your mother-in-law’s meal. Your dog’s meal. What you might buy for supper. If someone else posts food pics, make sure you comment with, “That’s disgusting.”

    Liked by 23 people

    notquiteold recently posted Unbreakable?.

  6. Here’s number 11. Only post pics of your kids from the neck down. Or only the back of their heads.To protect their privacy. But post a lot of them. Make sure everyone you know can only identify your kids’ cowlicks. But when you take a photo of someone else’s kid, always post their full face and identify with their full name, including their middle name.

    Liked by 7 people

    notquiteold recently posted Unbreakable?.

  7. I love that you sent this to Oprah. Shame on them, but I guess I can’t really claim to be surprised. Oprah can be a square sometimes.

    Liked by 2 people

    Jen Donohue recently posted February 2016 goals roundup.

  8. How is this NOT what they wanted? Oprah bores me…

    Liked by 3 people

  9. My friends and family are always uncomfortable around me. SCORE! These rules are my new cheat sheet for life.

    Liked by 2 people

    marydpierce recently posted Curtains Made of Lace.

  10. Day made!

    Like

  11. They asked you to write about social media and were surprised that you wrote this??? Someone didn’t do their research did they? (Feel free to ignore that sarcasm y’all and get really annoyed by it!)

    Liked by 2 people

  12. 10 a) If you order a cocktail and try to drink it without first posting it on social media, the glass probably has The Herpe on the rim. Congratulations. Now you have The Herpe.

    Liked by 4 people

  13. HOW DARE YOU WRITE SUCH AN AWESOME LIST.

    “Block them as loudly and as hard as you can.” is now on my todo list.

    Liked by 2 people

    Brian recently posted Cozy and warm.

  14. And Oprah just lost on out on a magazine sell. I’ve never purchased one of her magazines before so she’s really going to feel this loss!

    Like

  15. Very nice. I like it. Also, it’s true.

    Like

  16. Clearly the people at Oprah, yes I’m using it as a place now, don’t know funny or facts because this is how I operate my social media.

    Liked by 2 people

  17. Share all of your religous beliefs constantly as if the entire world also believes the exact same things you do and then get SUPER offended when someone has the nerve to disagree with you.

    Liked by 10 people

  18. Is Oprah on Facebook? Because I suddenly feel a need to go berate her online. IN ALL CAPS! So that she knows that I’m really mad at her. Or really, her lackeys. Why wouldn’t they publish this? For the love of God, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM?!

    (Ha! No berating Oprah. She’s awesome and she’s published other stuff of mine. Besides, rejection is good. It just means you find another place to put your shit.~ Jenny)

    Liked by 3 people

  19. Only 18 live kittens?! That’s not the kind of quality leadership I expect for my country, tbh. Putin probably eats 20 or maybe even 25! C’mon Obama!

    Liked by 4 people

  20. 21
    Gribble Girl

    How dare Oprah reject you?! I never believed in the stories of her being one of our evil reptilian overlords before, but there is no other possible explanation for this!! I am outraged

    Like

  21. THIS. Love it! Although not quite in the same “mean people suck” vein of your post last week. You’re sending us mixed messages! Kidding…

    (HOW DARE YOU QUESTION ME. BLOCKED!😉 ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 4 people

  22. Send tons of disgustingly cutesy messages to your husband (even though he lives in the same house as you and it would be so much easier just tell him in person) so everyone thinks you have the healthiest marriage in history. Post pictures of the two of you eating out and going places so you look like the most fun couple in history as well. The goal here is make your friends and family question their own marriages. Bonus points if this leads to a divorce as the person goes out to search for a spouse as perfect as yours.

    Liked by 12 people

  23. Nailed it, Jenny. Oprah is a dope.

    Like

  24. Honey, you make me so happy.
    I’m off to take some sexy selfies!

    Like

  25. 26
    Holly Storm

    If it’s not low cal, gluten-free, organically sourced, non-GMO, or sustainable, you should tell them so. They would want to know.

    Liked by 4 people

  26. This should be required reading when you join any social network. I learned new things today. Gotta go practice my overwrought reactions to post on FB comments. Thanks Jenny!

    Like

  27. BLOCKED!!
    IRONICALLY.
    TYPE AMEN IF YOURE THE ONLY FRIEND THAT CARES ABOUT CURATING CANCER.

    Liked by 8 people

  28. #7 fucking SLAYS. You so rock!

    Like

  29. I want to share this but I also want angels to die. Not that I have anything against angels–they seem nice–but killing angels would be the most amazing superpower ever. When I stare down the Forces of Darkness and say, “Don’t mess with me. I’ve killed angels” they will flee in terror and the universe will make all my wishes come true.

    GOLDFISH FOR EVERYONE!

    Liked by 5 people

    Christopher recently posted Slowly Deflating Quiz..

  30. But how do you know the angels are dead????? Especially if you can’t blink, or turn your back on them…

    Liked by 5 people

  31. Would never dream of it! You’re the best!

    Like

  32. I’ll offer up number 12…update your profile picture with a new selfie every hour. Use the same pose, since you know it shows off your best feature/cleavage, but change your shirt or add an accessory, like a saucy fedora or sunglasses clenched between your teeth. Own the fact that people cannot get enough of you.

    Jenny, I adore you!

    Liked by 5 people

  33. WHAT DO YOU MEAN OPRAH’S PEOPLE SAID NO. PLEASE EVERYONE SHARE THIS AND SHOW THOSE PEOPLLE THEY CANT CONTROL US! #7…nailed it.

    Liked by 2 people

  34. It gives me such pleasure when people don’t understand satire.

    Liked by 1 person

  35. I’m going to go stalk her on social media now to tell her how I feel about this rejection and then I will post some tasteful nudes of myself.

    Liked by 1 person

    theycallmetater recently posted I Pledge Allegiance (Or Not).

  36. They have no idea what they’re missing out on!

    Liked by 1 person

  37. Not everybody should internet.

    Liked by 4 people

    K. recently posted Daniell Koepke quote..

  38. I guess they don’t understand humor. Have I told you lately that I think you are my spirit animal? Your humor, your sarcastic wit, your whimsical snark. It speaks to me on a deep dark level. So much so- when I was at the zoo a few weeks ago. My husband had to tell me to stop saying “It’s a bobcat Jenny” if I wasn’t going to tell him what the hell that means. ( FYI-we were at the bobcat exhibit). I told him- and showed him… he just shook his head.😀 (p.s. he’s a keeper)

    Liked by 3 people

  39. Oprah doesn’t know what she’s missing.
    Oh, and yes, I am outraged by it. You’re welcome.

    Liked by 1 person

    suburbancorrespondent recently posted If At First You Don't Succeed....

  40. Social media? Real life etiquette!!

    Like

  41. Happy international women’s day! May your ideas be heard, may your hair behave, may your outfit (be it a robe or haute couture) be fabulous, and may your lady garden be fresh as a daisy! This is gold and Oprah’s people really don’t know how you roll if they snubbed this. Shine on, Jenny!

    Liked by 3 people

  42. Why do the angels have to suffer because I only have one friend?

    Liked by 2 people

  43. More and more of the masses must be told!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Like

  44. Who does Oprah think she is anyway?

    Like

  45. Awesome list! And so true. #1 is a pet peeve of mine, with the corollary to be as vague as possible and not answer any follow-up questions.

    Liked by 1 person

    Sue recently posted "All Natural" doesn't mean safe.

  46. So basically they wanted the social media version of social media etiquette and instead you gave them the ACTUAL TRUTH.🙂 Also I think Oprah is a big fake and fraud anyways so honestly I’m glad they turned you down. #Sorry #JustSayNoToOprah

    Like

  47. Be sure to say good morning and goodnight, EVERY DAY! It’s a public service announcement, really,because most people are totally unaware of the difference between morning and night. Not to mention that this helps your stalkers know when you will be in bed, with the lights out and no longer visible; they will be able to plan their sleep schedule, accordingly. Be considerate!

    Liked by 3 people

  48. Yep, totally Oprah’s loss.

    Like

  49. This list is perfection. 🙂 Our gain, Oprah’s mag’s loss.

    Liked by 1 person

  50. Another rule: share something on Facebook and make sure that it says something along the lines of: I’m checking to see who my real friends are… And then require them to write something in response and repost it (if they’re your real friend that is…).
    I love this! Thanks for sharing the rules Jenny – clearly I have been doing everything wrong… Must go fix all of my social media…

    Liked by 4 people

  51. Bah…Oprah Schmoprah….her loss I say😉

    Like

  52. 53
    Janice in Accounting

    Oprah’s loss is our gain. Also, “curate” is the new “moist.”

    Liked by 1 person

  53. LOL.
    Love the slam on people trying to guilt you into re-posting meaningless drivel. I get so sick of: “Kids with special needs struggle everyday! Re-post to show that you are better and more compassionate than everyone else! But NO, I still will not have a play-date with you because I don’t want my kid to be friends with the weird kids.”

    Liked by 3 people

  54. Clearly, Oprah doesn’t know jack. These are gold. #1 is pretty much my favorite thing to do ever, because I’m a millennial and passive aggressive is basically our birthright. Or something.

    Liked by 1 person

  55. HAHAHHA

    Like

    Michelle recently posted I Live In My Head.

  56. We think alike (a scary thought)! I have a post featured on BlogHer about posts I don’t want to see on Facebook, and it includes the dead angels idea, only not as funnily. http://www.blogher.com/what-i-hate-about-facebook

    Like

    Janet Coburn recently posted Sapiosexual Seeks Same.

  57. Well, to be rejected by Oprah you have to first be acknowledged by Oprah. I’d love to be rejected by Oprah. I am going to write her an ALL CAPS ANGRY EMAIL ABOUT HOW SHE SHOULD REJECT ME.

    Like

    thevoltz2000 recently posted I’m A Nature Nerd and It’s Okay.

  58. I love you. That is all

    Like

  59. What the shit! It seems perfect to me!

    Like

  60. I’m tired of Oprah’s rah-rah crap. It’s about time someone got REAL with her and I’m glad it’s you. Her loss.

    Like

  61. YOU ARE BRILLIANT🙂

    Like

  62. 63
    ocularnervosa

    If anyone proves you wrong correct their grammar. That will show them!

    Liked by 1 person

  63. I would like to build on “take pictures of your kids from the neck down, or only from the back to protect their privacy, but post tons of them.” You could post pictures of their faces, but give them random nicknames when you post/blog about them, to protect their privacy. However, your blog name and handle should 100% contain your full name.

    Liked by 1 person

  64. I think you wrote with restraint — a LOT of it. Hey, you’re just reflecting what’s out there…what did they want, a sweet piece? Keep on writing!

    Like

  65. Oh my…she probably didn’t get David Letterman’s Best 10 each night either! HARPO and the Magazine need to get a sense of humor! #humoratitsbest

    Like

  66. She might have published it if one of your tips included something about bread. OPRAH LOVES BREAD.

    Liked by 4 people

    RachRiot recently posted How Not To Talk To Your Kids About Sex.

  67. Oprah who?

    Like

  68. 69
    Asha Sanaker

    I’m not saying that Oprah is suffering from Sanctimonious Sincerity Overload (SSO for short) per se, but it does have listed as the first symptom “the complete and total inability to take a joke” when you look it up in the DSM-2000. Luckily, most of us suffer, conversely, from Excessive Snark Disorder, so we can take a joke and keep each other company. Spread that on your bread and nibble it, Oprah.

    Liked by 5 people

  69. Oprah didn’t want this? Is she nuts?!?! Her loss. To be honest, Oprah isn’t all that great, I think you can do better. I’ll make you a list of reasons why:

    1) when I first typed her name my phone autocorrected it to “porch.” My phone should automatically know her name, it knows yours!!

    2) she always puts herself on the cover of her magazine. Really? I mean I know she owns it, but isn’t her name enough?

    3) we had a bowling alley in Ojai, and supposedly, she bought the lanes for her house in Montecito. Couldn’t she afford her own lanes, new ones? Now we couldn’t open it again if we tried.

    4) she’s nowhere near as funny as you.

    Personally I think you should start your own magazine and put her out of business

    Liked by 3 people

  70. JESUS WANTS TO CURE ALL CANCERS BUT HE WON’T IF YOU DON’T REBLOG THIS AND POST “AMEN” AT THE BOTTOM.

    Liked by 2 people

  71. From Item #4, “Inflammatory Fake News” would make a great name for a rock band. Especially if it were made up entirely of musicians with inflammatory diseases.

    I have great ideas. Someone should hire me.

    Liked by 2 people

    OwnLessDoMore.us recently posted It’s *my* birthday, but the BFT got all the presents.

  72. It’s like they don’t even know you.

    Liked by 1 person

  73. The admirable thing here is that you stayed true to your identity as a writer and didn’t class it up for Oprah. Even though that might mean a rejection. Bravo!

    Liked by 1 person

    Diane Holcomb recently posted How to have Faith in your Novel-Writing.

  74. I feel like Oprah’s people knew what they were getting into. They’re crazy to pass this gold up.

    Like

  75. This is beyond fabulous. Oprah doesn’t deserve you.

    Like

    Cassandra recently posted 850 Words on a Lifetime of Relationship Wisdom.

  76. 77
    lizzy kurylo

    These are rules for life. Some people…I would ask aunt sue to dig up dirt on a certian talk show host.

    I only would have added , whenever you can , send a friend of a friend a photo of a lizard only saying “you know why”

    Never for warn the mutual friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  77. Love it! Oprah made a mistake. I have 2 rules for social media etiquette 1. – make a huge announcement on FB that you are taking a break for a while and show up 12 hours later on FB. 2. – pick one picture of yourself and constantly change your profile picture to it (like every other week).

    Liked by 1 person

  78. Who is Oprah, never heard of her! Ellen Degeneres would love & appreciate you!❤

    Like

  79. 80
    whosaysimnotright

    I’m sorry, I don’t see what’s wrong with this. It’s how everyone on my facebook feed posts, so I assume it’s proper etiquette. Is everyone on facebook wrong? Or are Oprah’s people wrong? I know which option I’m choosing.

    Like

  80. I’m actually really REALLY happy that Oprah rejected you. I make it a policy to strictly avoid anything endorsed by Oprah. I would have seriously hated having to avoid you, I love you too much.

    Liked by 1 person

    Cassie recently posted happy to take his own life.

  81. I love this. I teach teenagers- do you have a list for them that I could put up in my classroom?

    Like

  82. #13 At least twice a year announce to everyone as loudly and as hard as you can in ALL CAPS THAT YOU ARE LEAVING FACEBOOK … FOR GOOD THIS TIME

    Like

  83. The Instagram one kills me. Curate…so spot on.

    Liked by 1 person

  84. 86
    Sarah Miller

    Seriously? What did they expect when they asked you to write this piece? I feel like they have never read any of your work. This is exactly what I would expect from you, and it was glorious. Shame on Oprah for rejecting this brilliant guide to social media etiquette.

    Like

  85. Exactly! Obviously Oprah’s people don’t understand point #7. I do at least 3 of these every day. At least in my head because I’m too polite (ie chicken) to do it for real. You should address hashtags too. For example, #Teambettemidler – the wth? hashtag, and #nakedinternetpicsdon’tgoawaywhenyourkidsgotohighschoolKIM -the way too long hashtag.

    Liked by 1 person

  86. Is Oprah even a THING now?

    Liked by 1 person

  87. I think Oprah might be too distracted by her love affair with bread to recognize a good article. Or it might have something to do with the F-bomb.

    Liked by 2 people

  88. 90
    Leslie O'Donnell

    I am somewhat baffled as to why they asked you to write such a thing, if they didn’t want such a thing AS THIS. Clearly, they ARE following social media dictate #3482whatever, which says that you should always seek out a professional relationship with someone that you have never actually seen the work of.

    Like

  89. This is lovely. Also, not surprised the Oprah magazine didn’t want this. They only print safe articles like “Sweater sets: what do they say about you?” and “My boyfriend noticed I’m wearing kitten heels. Now what?”

    Liked by 3 people

  90. “Please give us some of that Jenny magic, Jenny, but don’t be too Jenny, you know?”

    Those poor confused Oprah people.

    Liked by 1 person

  91. Oh, man. If there were a self-esteem meter floating above my head, you would see it instantly drop every time I check Facebook and Instagram and see all of the ‘perfect’ lives being lead. They must have all attended the top-secret Mary Poppins’ School of Perfection that I didn’t get invited to.

    Like

  92. No one ever said Oprah had a sense of humor or even satire. Her loss!

    Like

  93. #13 If you’re ever busy doing something IRL and don’t post for 24 hours, make sure you apologize profusely and let your friends know you won’t let them down like that again. Because they would have noticed, of course.

    Liked by 2 people

  94. Oprah strikes me as hypocritical. She has spent her life struggling with her weight. BUT about a decade or so ago decided that it doesn’t matter and that she would stop worrying about it. And it was all good for a while….. She would empower women and talk about how you are already enough and how you don’t need to do anything else to be worthy, very empowering stuff. But then that whole thing happened in her magazine with the crop top, where she said you can wear a crop top “if and only if” you have a flat tummy. Cut to now and she’s equating weight loss with “being your best self” in those weight watchers commercials. Hypocrite.

    Liked by 1 person

  95. Their loss, our gain. (or should that be in all caps?)

    Like

  96. Maybe the eating kittens line hit a little too close to home? I’M JUST SAYIN!

    Liked by 1 person

  97. Oprah’s too busy eating bread… EVERY DAY. Her loss.

    Liked by 1 person

  98. 100
    Julanne Lorimor

    As usual amazing! Too bad Oprahs people- who I heard eat puppies for lunch- couldn’t see how fantastic this was.

    Like

  99. Always knew there was something a bit dodgy about Oprah. Imagine, not wanting to publish this social media etiquette guide! tsk, tsk

    Like

  100. You… You stopped at 9. The inner balance is disturbed in my personal universe. I need. One. More.

    Liked by 1 person

  101. #11. When you have an emotional meltdown because (insert ridiculously inoffensive remark your husband made) happened, write “This shit is totally fucked up”, grab your car keys, zoom out of the driveway and go sit in the Target parking lot and contemplate slamming your car into a light pole. All your friends will post “That isn’t (insert name), she doesn’t use language like that” and your grown son will track you down and ask who he needs to go beat up. Then when you somewhat get over it, you go home (because it’s too expensive to run away) and delete the remark and no one ever mentions it again, cue “Twilight Zone” theme song

    Like

  102. Constantly threaten to clean out your friend list to anyone who doesn’t comment. I hate that shit.

    Liked by 2 people

    Half a 1000 Miles recently posted That Time I Flung Poo.

  103. Rules to live by! Oprah’s loss, whatevs. Her people probably just wanted some blecky boring advice about posting stuff about your kids and crafting and cooking. If I see one more Tip Hero recipe on my newsfeed I’m going to stab my own eyes out.

    Like

    Kelly recently posted I Have Hair. And it’s Glorious..

  104. Were you in a very angry place when you wrote this? Love it.. but I think I may see their point of “not exactly what we’re looking for”. LOL

    (WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING? HOW DARE YOU. But yeah, I was hungry when I wrote it. ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 3 people

  105. 107
    Robin Jennifer

    I think that the problem was that Oprah already knows these things, so she wasn’t impressed (I am, but she’s Oprah). Anyone who interrupts every one of my Hulu programs, to yell at me that she “eats bread every single day”, already knows that you should be just as loud and oddly enthusiastic online.

    Like

  106. You have to mention bread at least ten times to get through to Oprah these days.

    (I’m the same way. Where’s the bread? ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 3 people

  107. 109
    Anonymous

    LOL too cool for Oprah.

    Like

  108. This. This is bad ass.

    Like

  109. 112
    Anonymous

    Oprah who?

    Like

  110. Share posts about how great your generation is and how much the other generations can learn from your generation.
    Change your profile picture at least once a day. 3 times a day is recommended.
    Upload photos upside down. Bonus points if the photos are blurry.
    Make decisions based on how many likes you receive.
    Whine about political correctness and then follow that post up with something racist/sexist/homophobic.
    Make sure everyone’s aware of your gym routine. Gym selfies should accompany any gym-related posts.
    Abbreviate all your posts.
    Don’t let your friends miss out on all the fun, invite them all to play the Facebook games you play. Invite them again in case they accidentally remove the requests. And then once more for good measure.
    Chain mail should be taken seriously.
    Never research anything. As long as it’s on the internet, it must be true.
    Never elaborate on any posts you make. Tell your Facebook friends you’ll send them a private message if they show concern or ask what’s going on. Or just be polite and say, “Never mind.”

    Liked by 4 people

  111. 114
    Kevin from Canada

    Wow, these really are the rules that people actually follow! Awesome Jenny.

    Like

  112. 115
    Amy Furg.

    Are you sure it was Oprah and not Whoopi Goldberg? “Cause, rumor has it they’re looking a lot alike lately…😉

    Like

  113. Oprah schmoprah, they don’t know what they are missing! These are the best rules ever!

    Like

  114. 117
    Anonymous

    Apparently, they can’t even SPELL sarkasm.

    Like

  115. This was so true about all of us, and the part about satire…I get lost…seriously vehemently lost, as in posting facts, and ranting like mad.

    Liked by 1 person

  116. 119
    Valerie P.

    Do you think Oprah’s people read this and “rejected” it, but are now going to call & say, “WAIT! You thought we were serious?”

    Because, if not, they’re dumbasses and deserve zero unicorns.

    Liked by 2 people

  117. you should have used more bread. :*

    Liked by 1 person

  118. You forgot the one about Post a picture of a tortured animal every day so we can all feel terrible. Also, “Also, use the word “curated” every day, non-ironically.” <– this is not humanly possible, I’m sure. Your list is gold and Oprah is a fool for not using it. She probably didn’t get to see it or she would have run with it.

    Like

  119. lol, troll and expect to be trolled

    Like

    margecake recently posted Exploring San Diego, CA.

  120. brilliant.

    and, um, almost i feel like the oprah people need your wheaton collating link. Because if they expected any other tone or flavor from you on social media etiquette, clearly they haven’t read your books or this blog. So they’ve solicited you and have no idea what you do.

    Liked by 1 person

  121. We need these turned into a printable list so people can print it out and put it on the wall of their office as a reminder to not be passive aggressive on the internet.

    I could do it, but I thought it’d be politer to offer the opportunity to someone else. (No, I’m not lazy, why would you say that?)

    Liked by 1 person

  122. I hope you feel good about this, though. It’s almost an honor considering she lets Dr. Oz on her show. Also, I was rejected by Oprah in 2000 to appear on her show about panic attacks. I got through several producers, but at the “send us a few pictures of yourself” part – they declined. That kind of stung. I still like her, though! (A little.)

    Like

  123. 126
    fiftyshadesofunemployment

    Bloggess, this piece nails it. You are so intuitive, and original. Love this “how to” guide. Will you adopt me? I have a cute dog. Thanks for speaking the truth …in easy read format. There a one or five people I’d like to send this to, but then I’d have to “facebk friend” them.

    Like

  124. 127
    Anonymous

    Clearly Oprah’s magazine was bought by supporters of {insert name of any political candidate here} and is no longer relevant / funny / of interest. I shall henceforth refuse to read any of the articles but I reserve the right to criticize them all on social media! SO THERE, NANNY NANNY BOO BOO!

    Like

  125. Make sure your friends know that only people who care about cancer victims will repost this.

    I feel I should have used “you’re” in that sentence to represent reality but I couldn’t do it.

    Liked by 1 person

  126. Use as many apostrophe’s as possible because they show your an educated person.

    Like

  127. I’m thinking that Oprah must be weak from hunger because she’s not getting enough bread (or maybe cake — cake is hella expensive, SmartPointsTM-wise). That can be the only reason she would reject the fabuloso-ness of your article. Actually, I wish Oprah all the best on getting a handle on her relationship with food; I know first-hand how hard that is.

    OK, one last sarcastic remark: LEAVE BRITNEY (whoops! I mean) OPRAH ALONE! 😉

    Like

  128. I’m glad the angels died. They had political views that didn’t exactly coincide with mine, so obviously they were the dumbest angels to ever walk the earth. Unfriending them now.

    Liked by 3 people

  129. I’m not sure why. I thought you exhibited taste and self-restraint. Everyone knows that with a non-share 20 BABY angels die. Cherubs really. You just left it at angels. For Oprah. Well done you! xox

    Like

  130. These are all real rules for etiquette on social media. No, really they are. That’s why I’m not on Facebook anymore.

    Like

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  131. HOW DARE YOU post about Obama eating 18 live kittens a day.
    That was my idea.

    Like

    Psychobabble recently posted Birthday Blog.

  132. 135
    Mikki Blueyes

    Ok so here’s the thing I don’t understand: Oprah is 62, a BILLIONAIRE, successful on so many levels, and yet somehow she needs to lose weight to be her “better self”? If she has all that money, why not go get lipo, tummy tucks, and everything else?
    Honestly Jenny I think she is jealous of YOU, and that was behind this whole fake rejection thing. Your religion beats hers any day.

    Like

  133. I’m not sure what Oprah’s people were expecting but this is the best advice on internet etiquette I’ve ever read. EVER. I MEAN, EVER

    Like

  134. doodoopuppy in comment #23 wrote: Bonus points if this leads to a divorce as the person goes out to search for a spouse as perfect as yours.

    Subtract double the bonus points if the spouse she finds IS yours.

    Like

  135. The sad thing is, I have seen people do some of these things. o.o

    Like

  136. I always said Oprah was the devil.

    Like

  137. PLEASE don’t forget the one about being sure to post every political view you have, trashing all others. Because that is a great way to win friends and influence people:).

    Liked by 2 people

    candidkay recently posted Get out there and change the world.

  138. 140 angels. Don’t minimize the damage, Jenny.

    Liked by 1 person

    educationalmentorship recently posted My Week 75: Ken is Weirder Than Me, Is That a Light Sabre in Your Pocket…?.

  139. I can’t believe this was rejected! I’ve never once read Oprah’s magazine, though, so I don’t know what I’m talking about.

    On the other hand, I DO read every one of your posts and tweets. So, take that Oprah editors!

    They don’t know what a goldmine they passed up.

    Like

  140. NOPErah.
    How dare you?

    Liked by 1 person

    Heather recently posted ToddlerBandit: Unofficial Reporter.

  141. 144
    Anonymous

    #5. As someone who actually curates things (I manage a couple of museum collections, so it’s my job), misuse of that word drives me crazy (and it’s already a short trip).

    Liked by 3 people

  142. Have you ever read Oprah? she isnt as simple as you. Your writing would NEVER work in her publication. Ever.

    Like

  143. Oprah is still alive?! 😳

    Like

  144. Don’t forget to fish for compliments! Post a selfie but make sure you caption it with “OMG this picture is so ugly I’m deleting it later!” How else will everyone know to tell you how beautiful you are?

    Liked by 4 people

  145. If they published this type of literary gold, I’d actually buy the magazine!

    Like

  146. now to post this everywhere under “HOW DARE YOU, OPRAH” or something like that. Oprah how dare you? How dare Oprah?

    Hooray misleading and inflammatory interweb posting!

    Like

    twisttais recently posted Zero to Awkward REAL Quick.

  147. 150
    Elizabeth M.

    #3 – women in sports do often need to rail against those who disagree with them. See the Erin Andrews trial and subsequent reactions. You may not be into sports, but a lot of women are targeted. A woman I follow reported a man to his employer, and rightly so, IMO.

    Like

  148. I’m totally posting this with the click-bait title “Best-selling Author Jenny Lawson’s Social Media Rules That Oprah Doesn’t Want You to Know”.

    (The possessive apostrophe all those s . . .es totally fucked with me, hence the real name. And they fucked with me in this parenthetical notation too. Bastards.)

    Liked by 3 people

  149. Yeah, well, Oprah can kiss my giant Weight Watchers-avoiding butt.

    Like

  150. Now I know why I don’t read Oprah’s magazine. It’s clearly boring.

    Like

  151. I have to question the logic of them asking you to write something and expecting anything else.

    I have 12) use the word literal/literally all the time and in the wrong way like “I literally just died laughing”

    Oh! And 13)Type Every Word With A Capital. Just Because You Can.

    Liked by 1 person

  152. […] about social media etiquette for them but then when I turned it in they were like, ‘We still … Continue reading → […]

    Like

  153. I do this already, so I am golden.

    Like

  154. This is fucking magical. All the reasons I hate the internet in one glorious summation! Don’t worry I have already blocked Oprah as hard as I could! lolz!

    Like

    Donna recently posted Me Vs. Evil Dead.

  155. Somebody else wondered if they did their homework on your writing style. Or were you just having a little fun and seeing how far you could push that envelope?

    Like

  156. As Aunt Sue, I am so angry about this! How DARE you! You better watch your back!

    Like

  157. Well now I have to quit Weight Watchers. Thanks for nothing, OPRAH! We know, we know, YOU LOVE BREAD. We get it. Jesus.

    Like

  158. In regards to #6, perhaps linking my Instagram to my Facebook wasn’t the smartest decision I’ve made this year.

    Like

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  159. No words. So much perfect.

    Like

  160. 164
    Susan Funk

    Screw them! You are awesome Jenny! I love you! In the early 2000’s O magazine posted that they wanted to hear from writers who battled depression. I am a writer, so I responded. At the time I was doing really well, I thought… and had finally foregone meds that were trying to kill me, or making me want to kill myself. Anyway, the notice said that they may need to come to your home and interview you and I was all: “Hey, that’s cool, I live 60 miles west of Chicago on a farm which is right next to a skydiving outfit, if you’re into that kind of thing. But it’s so beautiful here in corn country and I would welcome a visit.” I got a one line reply, via email saying, “Your depression is showing! You need to give the meds another try!” wtf?! Then they had the nerve to ask me if I wanted to participate a few months later! I was like, “After the completely insensitive and brutal reply I got, HELL NO!” Screw them!

    Liked by 1 person

  161. I angrily and loudly reject Oprah! But only for the next hour or so. She’s pretty all right, really.

    Like

    Jenny Williams recently posted Once You Go Grey, It Won’t Go Away! Or Will It? No, Apparently Not..

  162. I think this is gold. You need to make your next book based entirely on this kind of etiquette. I’ll buy it. Hell, I’ll pre-order a Jenny Lawson-licked copy, complete with a water-stressed signature.

    Like

  163. I am SHOCKED that these pearls of wisdom were rejected. I’m currently forming a religion to follow each of these rules as my new god…

    Like

  164. I’m glad Oprah rejected the story. I would have missed it because I don’t read Oprah. You, I ready daily.

    Like

  165. I can’t believe this wasn’t fitting for Oprah. Thanks for sharing it with us.

    Like

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  166. I could’ve SWORN I read that Obama eats 20 live kittens a day but then again, the guy who wrote it thought he was so funny. So I stopped believing. Journey’s going to be so disappointed.
    And screw Oprah.

    Like

    terib19 recently posted Ms. Snarkfest Goes To Washington!.

  167. Yes!! Number 5 all day! (They’re all fantastic, but dang, the “curated” everything. Yes. Is it too much to ask to see a pile of laundry photo for every perfect “I’m just casually standing here next to this perfectly rustic brick wall” photo?)

    Like

  168. 173
    Amy Chili

    Jenny, Jonathan Franzen told Oprah to take a long walk off the short pier when she wanted to bless “The Corrections,” so I consider it an honor if something is rejected by their people. She just devoted two issues to articles about mental illness, so clearly she’s not practicing what she preaches. Love you. Please LIKE and say “Amen.”

    Like

  169. I will readily begin practicing these.

    Like

  170. I will commence in following these social media rules

    Like

    thismamaiscrazy recently posted Peace, rest, and all the Life I can handle.

  171. This list is like Stephen Colbert’s Correspondents Dinner performance for President Bush. It was when The Colbert Report was brand new so he did it in character. It was brilliant and amazing. I still watch with slack jawed wonder. The person who booked him probably got fired. But since Oprah has published you before, she’s cool. I’m sure she laughed and then considered calling Iyanla Vanzant to come and Fix Your Life.

    Like

  172. 177
    Name Withheld Because Oprah Don't Play

    Because they would have to explain that it’s humor. Because anybody I’ve ever known who read Oprah magazine (and my Mom’s the only one, actually) can’t handle the satire. They don’t deserve you, Jenny. Okay, my Mom’s awesome and might technically deserve you, I can tell you that she wouldn’t get you. She’d be all, “Well, dammit, Oprah said to post the nekkid pictures…”

    Liked by 2 people

  173. Feeling a bit stabbie right now, almost had a panic attack ,in public, where I go for cocktails after work, I just miss my husband so much ,ten and a half years, he’s been gone and two damaging relationships ,I am having trouble seeing the point, except, I have to consider the impact my demise would have on my children, grandchildren and my new great-grandchild. I think after reading w
    hat I just wrote that I might need to see my therapist again. Sorry, I am alone here at home in the woods. Just talking to some
    people I think might understand so that I d

    Like

  174. “Also, use the word “curated” every day, non-ironically.” Exactly. #5 is my favorite.

    Like

    One Funny Motha recently posted Must You Invite the Whole Class to a Child’s Birthday Party?.

  175. Why do they even ask if this isn’t what they want?!

    Like

  176. I always refer to YOU as The Bloggess!
    I love, love, love your ponderings, musings, rants, commentaries, and
    other assorted anecdotes and pontifications! You ROCK!

    Like

  177. By the way, I found your awesome blog, long ago, by typing into Google: I love my small boobies!

    Like

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  178. Jenny, ANYthing you write is much more interesting than EVERYthing in O Magazine!

    And…
    1. Always send birthday wishes and other messages to deceased people because the dearly departed always read them.
    2. Post everything you see that promises something good will happen if it’s shared. Tell followers that their eyebrows or lips will fall off if they don’t share.
    3. Never send an accompanying message when you try to friend someone because they don’t need to know if you have ever met or if you’re a stalker or just a run-of-the-mill psycho.
    4. Rack up as many ‘friends’ as possible and then unfollow them immediately so their pathetic posts don’t sully your news feed.
    5. Never give any indication that you’ve read a post by liking it or commenting on it.
    6. Post all the gruesome, stomach-turning videos that you can find; make sure a lot of them are about animals because people who love animals will love having their hearts ripped out after shedding copious amounts of tears.
    7. Depending on your food preferences, insult people who are meat-eaters or insult people who are vegetarians.
    8. Never check with Snopes or other hoax-finding sites before you post something.
    9. Share every medical story you can find to see how many people you can scare into thinking that they’re dying or going to die soon.
    10. Take everything personally so that total strangers who don’t matter at all affect your self-confidence and sense of well-being.
    11. Never, EVER check your spelling or grammar!!! (PS: Don’t check mine.)

    Like

  179. Should you be open to expanding this excellent list, I propose the following addition: Join a multi-level marketing business. Each waking hour throughout the day, post canned content received from the MLM as your status and try to strong-arm your family and friends into joining your network. Make sure the canned content is appropriately bully-ish–your loved ones need to know that you think they’re being stupid and wasting their lives by not ordering a starter kit today.

    Liked by 1 person

  180. This post and these comments have been keeping me laughing for days now!😀

    Like

  181. Clearly, Oprah’s people don’t know what’s good. I can’t believe they passed on this!🙂

    Like

    Karen Marie Peterson recently posted Never Have I Ever.

  182. Taking #7 to heart. Sharing and BLOCKING. Enjoy your day you horrible person. ;-)You Know What You Did. (might have included some #1 too)

    Like

    Ronnie recently posted 40!!!!!!!!!!!.

  183. 188
    Trina Brooks

    Jenny have you thought of starting your own magazine with you on the cover every month in a different costume or setting. I think you would give that Oprah person a run for their money.

    Like

  184. Perhaps they wanted more mention of subtweeting? As well as tweeting mean things to celebrities, but not Anderson Cooper because he is the king of comebacks and his replies burn the skin right off your face.

    Like

    White Girls Be Like recently posted Coming Clean Into 2016: I Finally Showered!.

  185. Laughed out loud a lot while reading this then became disappointed with all the ugly Oprah bashing in the comments. Although the list is funny, it would never be appropriate for her audience.

    Like

  186. Love the title. How did you get to win such a connection with Oprah? Well i was wondering if you could check out my blog? I am a newcomer and am open to constructive criticism…

    Like

  187. Oprah’s people are lower than Donald trump’s hair weavers.
    And that’s pretty low…

    Like

    The Hook recently posted What Not To Say To Guests..

  188. What is wrong with them…just what that magazine needs…

    Like

    The Hellion recently posted The Past, it’s a good place to visit…..

  189. Good job, Oprah editor! This article would have been far too awesome and helpful for her mag.

    Like

  190. Fantastic. I think I’ll share this with all of my students. Kids these days need your valuable wisdom!!

    Like

    hazelhillboro recently posted She Finally Gets Me.

  191. […] Rejected by Oprah from The Bloggess, her hilarious perspective on social media […]

    Like

  192. This is fantastic. I hate the misuse of the word curate with the fury of a thousand suns. I should definitely track those people down and destroy them. Thanks for the advice!😉

    Like

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