REJECTED BY OPRAH.

in blogging about blogging again, Random Crap

Okay, I wasn’t really rejected by Oprah at all, but it makes a better title than “Someone from Oprah’s magazine asked if I’d write something about social media etiquette for them but then when I turned it in they were like, ‘We still love you but, no, not quite this’ so I decided to just share it here.”  But that title is very descriptive so I’m gonna leave it here too.  And now, to the article that I’m giving you for free.  YOU ARE WELCOME:

It’s easy to forget that there is a proper etiquette when it comes to sharing on social media, but no worries…I’m here to help.

1. Be as angrily vague as possible in your status updates. “Now I know who my REAL friends are” or “You think you’re cute” or “I’m smiling but I will poison you when you least expect it.” Make your friends and family as uncomfortable and unsettled as possible all the time.

2. Be shocked and outraged at least once a day. If you can’t start a tweet or Facebook status with “HOW DARE YOU” then it’s probably not worth saying.

3. If strangers online disagree with you, devote your day to yelling at them and getting everyone you know to yell at them as well. Don’t just unfollow them. Track them down and destroy them. Put your entire life on hold to focus on all-caps fights with them. It’s pretty much the written equivalent of public scream-crying and people fucking LOVE that.

4. Share inflammatory fake news on a daily basis. Did you know that Obama eats 18 live kittens a day? Well, I do now. Thanks for the update, Aunt Sue.

5. Never let on that you are a real human being. Your instagram feed should be beautifully curated to focus the maximum amount of shame and unrealistic expectations on everyone else. Also, use the word “curated” every day, non-ironically.

6. Share that super sexual picture of you on the internet. Sure, your parents and a bunch of creepy strangers will see it but so might that one guy you think may have ignored you at Starbucks that one time.

7. Intentionally misread satire. Get really pissed about it. Share it online and demand that everyone else share it too.  Then get more pissed when others clarify that it’s clearly sarcasm. Block those people. Block them as loudly and as hard as you can.

8.  Write the rules on social media etiquette.  No, literally.  Write them down.  Then make everyone feel bad for not following them even though you don’t actually follow them yourself.

9. Sharing means caring. If you don’t share this article then 20 angels will die. Whatever. Your choice.

 

196 thoughts on “REJECTED BY OPRAH.”

Read comments below or add one.

  5. 10, Share photos of your food every day. Every meal. Your kids’ meals. Your mother-in-law’s meal. Your dog’s meal. What you might buy for supper. If someone else posts food pics, make sure you comment with, “That’s disgusting.”

  7. Here’s number 11. Only post pics of your kids from the neck down. Or only the back of their heads.To protect their privacy. But post a lot of them. Make sure everyone you know can only identify your kids’ cowlicks. But when you take a photo of someone else’s kid, always post their full face and identify with their full name, including their middle name.

  8. I love that you sent this to Oprah. Shame on them, but I guess I can’t really claim to be surprised. Oprah can be a square sometimes.

  12. They asked you to write about social media and were surprised that you wrote this??? Someone didn’t do their research did they? (Feel free to ignore that sarcasm y’all and get really annoyed by it!)

  13. 10 a) If you order a cocktail and try to drink it without first posting it on social media, the glass probably has The Herpe on the rim. Congratulations. Now you have The Herpe.

  14. HOW DARE YOU WRITE SUCH AN AWESOME LIST.

    “Block them as loudly and as hard as you can.” is now on my todo list.

  15. And Oprah just lost on out on a magazine sell. I’ve never purchased one of her magazines before so she’s really going to feel this loss!

  17. Clearly the people at Oprah, yes I’m using it as a place now, don’t know funny or facts because this is how I operate my social media.

  18. Share all of your religous beliefs constantly as if the entire world also believes the exact same things you do and then get SUPER offended when someone has the nerve to disagree with you.

  19. Is Oprah on Facebook? Because I suddenly feel a need to go berate her online. IN ALL CAPS! So that she knows that I’m really mad at her. Or really, her lackeys. Why wouldn’t they publish this? For the love of God, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM?!

    (Ha! No berating Oprah. She’s awesome and she’s published other stuff of mine. Besides, rejection is good. It just means you find another place to put your shit.~ Jenny)

  20. Only 18 live kittens?! That’s not the kind of quality leadership I expect for my country, tbh. Putin probably eats 20 or maybe even 25! C’mon Obama!

  21. How dare Oprah reject you?! I never believed in the stories of her being one of our evil reptilian overlords before, but there is no other possible explanation for this!! I am outraged

  22. THIS. Love it! Although not quite in the same “mean people suck” vein of your post last week. You’re sending us mixed messages! Kidding…

    (HOW DARE YOU QUESTION ME. BLOCKED! 😉 ~ Jenny)

  23. Send tons of disgustingly cutesy messages to your husband (even though he lives in the same house as you and it would be so much easier just tell him in person) so everyone thinks you have the healthiest marriage in history. Post pictures of the two of you eating out and going places so you look like the most fun couple in history as well. The goal here is make your friends and family question their own marriages. Bonus points if this leads to a divorce as the person goes out to search for a spouse as perfect as yours.

  26. If it’s not low cal, gluten-free, organically sourced, non-GMO, or sustainable, you should tell them so. They would want to know.

  30. I want to share this but I also want angels to die. Not that I have anything against angels–they seem nice–but killing angels would be the most amazing superpower ever. When I stare down the Forces of Darkness and say, “Don’t mess with me. I’ve killed angels” they will flee in terror and the universe will make all my wishes come true.

    GOLDFISH FOR EVERYONE!

  33. I’ll offer up number 12…update your profile picture with a new selfie every hour. Use the same pose, since you know it shows off your best feature/cleavage, but change your shirt or add an accessory, like a saucy fedora or sunglasses clenched between your teeth. Own the fact that people cannot get enough of you.

    Jenny, I adore you!

  34. WHAT DO YOU MEAN OPRAH’S PEOPLE SAID NO. PLEASE EVERYONE SHARE THIS AND SHOW THOSE PEOPLLE THEY CANT CONTROL US! #7…nailed it.

  36. I’m going to go stalk her on social media now to tell her how I feel about this rejection and then I will post some tasteful nudes of myself.

  39. I guess they don’t understand humor. Have I told you lately that I think you are my spirit animal? Your humor, your sarcastic wit, your whimsical snark. It speaks to me on a deep dark level. So much so- when I was at the zoo a few weeks ago. My husband had to tell me to stop saying “It’s a bobcat Jenny” if I wasn’t going to tell him what the hell that means. ( FYI-we were at the bobcat exhibit). I told him- and showed him… he just shook his head. 😀 (p.s. he’s a keeper)

  42. Happy international women’s day! May your ideas be heard, may your hair behave, may your outfit (be it a robe or haute couture) be fabulous, and may your lady garden be fresh as a daisy! This is gold and Oprah’s people really don’t know how you roll if they snubbed this. Shine on, Jenny!

  46. Awesome list! And so true. #1 is a pet peeve of mine, with the corollary to be as vague as possible and not answer any follow-up questions.

  47. So basically they wanted the social media version of social media etiquette and instead you gave them the ACTUAL TRUTH. 🙂 Also I think Oprah is a big fake and fraud anyways so honestly I’m glad they turned you down. #Sorry #JustSayNoToOprah

  48. Be sure to say good morning and goodnight, EVERY DAY! It’s a public service announcement, really,because most people are totally unaware of the difference between morning and night. Not to mention that this helps your stalkers know when you will be in bed, with the lights out and no longer visible; they will be able to plan their sleep schedule, accordingly. Be considerate!

  51. Another rule: share something on Facebook and make sure that it says something along the lines of: I’m checking to see who my real friends are… And then require them to write something in response and repost it (if they’re your real friend that is…).
    I love this! Thanks for sharing the rules Jenny – clearly I have been doing everything wrong… Must go fix all of my social media…

  53. Oprah’s loss is our gain. Also, “curate” is the new “moist.”

  54. LOL.
    Love the slam on people trying to guilt you into re-posting meaningless drivel. I get so sick of: “Kids with special needs struggle everyday! Re-post to show that you are better and more compassionate than everyone else! But NO, I still will not have a play-date with you because I don’t want my kid to be friends with the weird kids.”

  55. Clearly, Oprah doesn’t know jack. These are gold. #1 is pretty much my favorite thing to do ever, because I’m a millennial and passive aggressive is basically our birthright. Or something.

  58. Well, to be rejected by Oprah you have to first be acknowledged by Oprah. I’d love to be rejected by Oprah. I am going to write her an ALL CAPS ANGRY EMAIL ABOUT HOW SHE SHOULD REJECT ME.

  61. I’m tired of Oprah’s rah-rah crap. It’s about time someone got REAL with her and I’m glad it’s you. Her loss.

  63. If anyone proves you wrong correct their grammar. That will show them!

  64. I would like to build on “take pictures of your kids from the neck down, or only from the back to protect their privacy, but post tons of them.” You could post pictures of their faces, but give them random nicknames when you post/blog about them, to protect their privacy. However, your blog name and handle should 100% contain your full name.

  65. I think you wrote with restraint — a LOT of it. Hey, you’re just reflecting what’s out there…what did they want, a sweet piece? Keep on writing!

  66. Oh my…she probably didn’t get David Letterman’s Best 10 each night either! HARPO and the Magazine need to get a sense of humor! #humoratitsbest

  69. I’m not saying that Oprah is suffering from Sanctimonious Sincerity Overload (SSO for short) per se, but it does have listed as the first symptom “the complete and total inability to take a joke” when you look it up in the DSM-2000. Luckily, most of us suffer, conversely, from Excessive Snark Disorder, so we can take a joke and keep each other company. Spread that on your bread and nibble it, Oprah.

  70. Oprah didn’t want this? Is she nuts?!?! Her loss. To be honest, Oprah isn’t all that great, I think you can do better. I’ll make you a list of reasons why:

    1) when I first typed her name my phone autocorrected it to “porch.” My phone should automatically know her name, it knows yours!!

    2) she always puts herself on the cover of her magazine. Really? I mean I know she owns it, but isn’t her name enough?

    3) we had a bowling alley in Ojai, and supposedly, she bought the lanes for her house in Montecito. Couldn’t she afford her own lanes, new ones? Now we couldn’t open it again if we tried.

    4) she’s nowhere near as funny as you.

    Personally I think you should start your own magazine and put her out of business

  72. From Item #4, “Inflammatory Fake News” would make a great name for a rock band. Especially if it were made up entirely of musicians with inflammatory diseases.

    I have great ideas. Someone should hire me.

  74. The admirable thing here is that you stayed true to your identity as a writer and didn’t class it up for Oprah. Even though that might mean a rejection. Bravo!

  75. I feel like Oprah’s people knew what they were getting into. They’re crazy to pass this gold up.

  77. These are rules for life. Some people…I would ask aunt sue to dig up dirt on a certian talk show host.

    I only would have added , whenever you can , send a friend of a friend a photo of a lizard only saying “you know why”

    Never for warn the mutual friend.

  78. Love it! Oprah made a mistake. I have 2 rules for social media etiquette 1. – make a huge announcement on FB that you are taking a break for a while and show up 12 hours later on FB. 2. – pick one picture of yourself and constantly change your profile picture to it (like every other week).

  80. I’m sorry, I don’t see what’s wrong with this. It’s how everyone on my facebook feed posts, so I assume it’s proper etiquette. Is everyone on facebook wrong? Or are Oprah’s people wrong? I know which option I’m choosing.

  81. I’m actually really REALLY happy that Oprah rejected you. I make it a policy to strictly avoid anything endorsed by Oprah. I would have seriously hated having to avoid you, I love you too much.

  83. I love this. I teach teenagers- do you have a list for them that I could put up in my classroom?

  84. #13 At least twice a year announce to everyone as loudly and as hard as you can in ALL CAPS THAT YOU ARE LEAVING FACEBOOK … FOR GOOD THIS TIME

  86. Seriously? What did they expect when they asked you to write this piece? I feel like they have never read any of your work. This is exactly what I would expect from you, and it was glorious. Shame on Oprah for rejecting this brilliant guide to social media etiquette.

  87. Exactly! Obviously Oprah’s people don’t understand point #7. I do at least 3 of these every day. At least in my head because I’m too polite (ie chicken) to do it for real. You should address hashtags too. For example, #Teambettemidler – the wth? hashtag, and #nakedinternetpicsdon’tgoawaywhenyourkidsgotohighschoolKIM -the way too long hashtag.

  89. I think Oprah might be too distracted by her love affair with bread to recognize a good article. Or it might have something to do with the F-bomb.

  90. I am somewhat baffled as to why they asked you to write such a thing, if they didn’t want such a thing AS THIS. Clearly, they ARE following social media dictate #3482whatever, which says that you should always seek out a professional relationship with someone that you have never actually seen the work of.

  91. This is lovely. Also, not surprised the Oprah magazine didn’t want this. They only print safe articles like “Sweater sets: what do they say about you?” and “My boyfriend noticed I’m wearing kitten heels. Now what?”

  92. “Please give us some of that Jenny magic, Jenny, but don’t be too Jenny, you know?”

    Those poor confused Oprah people.

  93. Oh, man. If there were a self-esteem meter floating above my head, you would see it instantly drop every time I check Facebook and Instagram and see all of the ‘perfect’ lives being lead. They must have all attended the top-secret Mary Poppins’ School of Perfection that I didn’t get invited to.

  94. No one ever said Oprah had a sense of humor or even satire. Her loss!

  95. #13 If you’re ever busy doing something IRL and don’t post for 24 hours, make sure you apologize profusely and let your friends know you won’t let them down like that again. Because they would have noticed, of course.

  96. Oprah strikes me as hypocritical. She has spent her life struggling with her weight. BUT about a decade or so ago decided that it doesn’t matter and that she would stop worrying about it. And it was all good for a while….. She would empower women and talk about how you are already enough and how you don’t need to do anything else to be worthy, very empowering stuff. But then that whole thing happened in her magazine with the crop top, where she said you can wear a crop top “if and only if” you have a flat tummy. Cut to now and she’s equating weight loss with “being your best self” in those weight watchers commercials. Hypocrite.

  98. Maybe the eating kittens line hit a little too close to home? I’M JUST SAYIN!

  100. As usual amazing! Too bad Oprahs people- who I heard eat puppies for lunch- couldn’t see how fantastic this was.

  101. Always knew there was something a bit dodgy about Oprah. Imagine, not wanting to publish this social media etiquette guide! tsk, tsk

  102. You… You stopped at 9. The inner balance is disturbed in my personal universe. I need. One. More.

  103. #11. When you have an emotional meltdown because (insert ridiculously inoffensive remark your husband made) happened, write “This shit is totally fucked up”, grab your car keys, zoom out of the driveway and go sit in the Target parking lot and contemplate slamming your car into a light pole. All your friends will post “That isn’t (insert name), she doesn’t use language like that” and your grown son will track you down and ask who he needs to go beat up. Then when you somewhat get over it, you go home (because it’s too expensive to run away) and delete the remark and no one ever mentions it again, cue “Twilight Zone” theme song

  105. Rules to live by! Oprah’s loss, whatevs. Her people probably just wanted some blecky boring advice about posting stuff about your kids and crafting and cooking. If I see one more Tip Hero recipe on my newsfeed I’m going to stab my own eyes out.

  106. Were you in a very angry place when you wrote this? Love it.. but I think I may see their point of “not exactly what we’re looking for”. LOL

    (WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING? HOW DARE YOU. But yeah, I was hungry when I wrote it. ~ Jenny)

  107. I think that the problem was that Oprah already knows these things, so she wasn’t impressed (I am, but she’s Oprah). Anyone who interrupts every one of my Hulu programs, to yell at me that she “eats bread every single day”, already knows that you should be just as loud and oddly enthusiastic online.

  108. You have to mention bread at least ten times to get through to Oprah these days.

    (I’m the same way. Where’s the bread? ~ Jenny)

  113. Share posts about how great your generation is and how much the other generations can learn from your generation.
    Change your profile picture at least once a day. 3 times a day is recommended.
    Upload photos upside down. Bonus points if the photos are blurry.
    Make decisions based on how many likes you receive.
    Whine about political correctness and then follow that post up with something racist/sexist/homophobic.
    Make sure everyone’s aware of your gym routine. Gym selfies should accompany any gym-related posts.
    Abbreviate all your posts.
    Don’t let your friends miss out on all the fun, invite them all to play the Facebook games you play. Invite them again in case they accidentally remove the requests. And then once more for good measure.
    Chain mail should be taken seriously.
    Never research anything. As long as it’s on the internet, it must be true.
    Never elaborate on any posts you make. Tell your Facebook friends you’ll send them a private message if they show concern or ask what’s going on. Or just be polite and say, “Never mind.”

  114. Wow, these really are the rules that people actually follow! Awesome Jenny.

  115. Are you sure it was Oprah and not Whoopi Goldberg? “Cause, rumor has it they’re looking a lot alike lately… 😉

  116. Oprah schmoprah, they don’t know what they are missing! These are the best rules ever!

  118. This was so true about all of us, and the part about satire…I get lost…seriously vehemently lost, as in posting facts, and ranting like mad.

  119. Do you think Oprah’s people read this and “rejected” it, but are now going to call & say, “WAIT! You thought we were serious?”

    Because, if not, they’re dumbasses and deserve zero unicorns.

  121. You forgot the one about Post a picture of a tortured animal every day so we can all feel terrible. Also, “Also, use the word “curated” every day, non-ironically.” <– this is not humanly possible, I’m sure. Your list is gold and Oprah is a fool for not using it. She probably didn’t get to see it or she would have run with it.

  123. brilliant.

    and, um, almost i feel like the oprah people need your wheaton collating link. Because if they expected any other tone or flavor from you on social media etiquette, clearly they haven’t read your books or this blog. So they’ve solicited you and have no idea what you do.

  124. We need these turned into a printable list so people can print it out and put it on the wall of their office as a reminder to not be passive aggressive on the internet.

    I could do it, but I thought it’d be politer to offer the opportunity to someone else. (No, I’m not lazy, why would you say that?)

  125. I hope you feel good about this, though. It’s almost an honor considering she lets Dr. Oz on her show. Also, I was rejected by Oprah in 2000 to appear on her show about panic attacks. I got through several producers, but at the “send us a few pictures of yourself” part – they declined. That kind of stung. I still like her, though! (A little.)

  126. Bloggess, this piece nails it. You are so intuitive, and original. Love this “how to” guide. Will you adopt me? I have a cute dog. Thanks for speaking the truth …in easy read format. There a one or five people I’d like to send this to, but then I’d have to “facebk friend” them.

  127. Clearly Oprah’s magazine was bought by supporters of {insert name of any political candidate here} and is no longer relevant / funny / of interest. I shall henceforth refuse to read any of the articles but I reserve the right to criticize them all on social media! SO THERE, NANNY NANNY BOO BOO!

  128. Make sure your friends know that only people who care about cancer victims will repost this.

    I feel I should have used “you’re” in that sentence to represent reality but I couldn’t do it.

  129. Use as many apostrophe’s as possible because they show your an educated person.

  130. I’m thinking that Oprah must be weak from hunger because she’s not getting enough bread (or maybe cake — cake is hella expensive, SmartPointsTM-wise). That can be the only reason she would reject the fabuloso-ness of your article. Actually, I wish Oprah all the best on getting a handle on her relationship with food; I know first-hand how hard that is.

    OK, one last sarcastic remark: LEAVE BRITNEY (whoops! I mean) OPRAH ALONE! 😉

  131. I’m glad the angels died. They had political views that didn’t exactly coincide with mine, so obviously they were the dumbest angels to ever walk the earth. Unfriending them now.

  132. I’m not sure why. I thought you exhibited taste and self-restraint. Everyone knows that with a non-share 20 BABY angels die. Cherubs really. You just left it at angels. For Oprah. Well done you! xox

  133. These are all real rules for etiquette on social media. No, really they are. That’s why I’m not on Facebook anymore.

  135. Ok so here’s the thing I don’t understand: Oprah is 62, a BILLIONAIRE, successful on so many levels, and yet somehow she needs to lose weight to be her “better self”? If she has all that money, why not go get lipo, tummy tucks, and everything else?
    Honestly Jenny I think she is jealous of YOU, and that was behind this whole fake rejection thing. Your religion beats hers any day.

  137. doodoopuppy in comment #23 wrote: Bonus points if this leads to a divorce as the person goes out to search for a spouse as perfect as yours.

    Subtract double the bonus points if the spouse she finds IS yours.

  140. PLEASE don’t forget the one about being sure to post every political view you have, trashing all others. Because that is a great way to win friends and influence people:).

  142. I can’t believe this was rejected! I’ve never once read Oprah’s magazine, though, so I don’t know what I’m talking about.

    On the other hand, I DO read every one of your posts and tweets. So, take that Oprah editors!

    They don’t know what a goldmine they passed up.

  144. #5. As someone who actually curates things (I manage a couple of museum collections, so it’s my job), misuse of that word drives me crazy (and it’s already a short trip).

  145. Have you ever read Oprah? she isnt as simple as you. Your writing would NEVER work in her publication. Ever.

  147. Don’t forget to fish for compliments! Post a selfie but make sure you caption it with “OMG this picture is so ugly I’m deleting it later!” How else will everyone know to tell you how beautiful you are?

  148. If they published this type of literary gold, I’d actually buy the magazine!

  149. now to post this everywhere under “HOW DARE YOU, OPRAH” or something like that. Oprah how dare you? How dare Oprah?

    Hooray misleading and inflammatory interweb posting!

  150. #3 – women in sports do often need to rail against those who disagree with them. See the Erin Andrews trial and subsequent reactions. You may not be into sports, but a lot of women are targeted. A woman I follow reported a man to his employer, and rightly so, IMO.

  151. I’m totally posting this with the click-bait title “Best-selling Author Jenny Lawson’s Social Media Rules That Oprah Doesn’t Want You to Know”.

    (The possessive apostrophe all those s . . .es totally fucked with me, hence the real name. And they fucked with me in this parenthetical notation too. Bastards.)

  153. Now I know why I don’t read Oprah’s magazine. It’s clearly boring.

  154. I have to question the logic of them asking you to write something and expecting anything else.

    I have 12) use the word literal/literally all the time and in the wrong way like “I literally just died laughing”

    Oh! And 13)Type Every Word With A Capital. Just Because You Can.

  157. This is fucking magical. All the reasons I hate the internet in one glorious summation! Don’t worry I have already blocked Oprah as hard as I could! lolz!

  158. Somebody else wondered if they did their homework on your writing style. Or were you just having a little fun and seeing how far you could push that envelope?

  159. As Aunt Sue, I am so angry about this! How DARE you! You better watch your back!

  160. Well now I have to quit Weight Watchers. Thanks for nothing, OPRAH! We know, we know, YOU LOVE BREAD. We get it. Jesus.

  161. In regards to #6, perhaps linking my Instagram to my Facebook wasn’t the smartest decision I’ve made this year.

  163. Screw them! You are awesome Jenny! I love you! In the early 2000’s O magazine posted that they wanted to hear from writers who battled depression. I am a writer, so I responded. At the time I was doing really well, I thought… and had finally foregone meds that were trying to kill me, or making me want to kill myself. Anyway, the notice said that they may need to come to your home and interview you and I was all: “Hey, that’s cool, I live 60 miles west of Chicago on a farm which is right next to a skydiving outfit, if you’re into that kind of thing. But it’s so beautiful here in corn country and I would welcome a visit.” I got a one line reply, via email saying, “Your depression is showing! You need to give the meds another try!” wtf?! Then they had the nerve to ask me if I wanted to participate a few months later! I was like, “After the completely insensitive and brutal reply I got, HELL NO!” Screw them!

  165. I think this is gold. You need to make your next book based entirely on this kind of etiquette. I’ll buy it. Hell, I’ll pre-order a Jenny Lawson-licked copy, complete with a water-stressed signature.

  168. I’m glad Oprah rejected the story. I would have missed it because I don’t read Oprah. You, I ready daily.

  170. I could’ve SWORN I read that Obama eats 20 live kittens a day but then again, the guy who wrote it thought he was so funny. So I stopped believing. Journey’s going to be so disappointed.
    And screw Oprah.

  171. Yes!! Number 5 all day! (They’re all fantastic, but dang, the “curated” everything. Yes. Is it too much to ask to see a pile of laundry photo for every perfect “I’m just casually standing here next to this perfectly rustic brick wall” photo?)

  172. Jenny, Jonathan Franzen told Oprah to take a long walk off the short pier when she wanted to bless “The Corrections,” so I consider it an honor if something is rejected by their people. She just devoted two issues to articles about mental illness, so clearly she’s not practicing what she preaches. Love you. Please LIKE and say “Amen.”

  175. This list is like Stephen Colbert’s Correspondents Dinner performance for President Bush. It was when The Colbert Report was brand new so he did it in character. It was brilliant and amazing. I still watch with slack jawed wonder. The person who booked him probably got fired. But since Oprah has published you before, she’s cool. I’m sure she laughed and then considered calling Iyanla Vanzant to come and Fix Your Life.

  176. Because they would have to explain that it’s humor. Because anybody I’ve ever known who read Oprah magazine (and my Mom’s the only one, actually) can’t handle the satire. They don’t deserve you, Jenny. Okay, my Mom’s awesome and might technically deserve you, I can tell you that she wouldn’t get you. She’d be all, “Well, dammit, Oprah said to post the nekkid pictures…”

  177. Feeling a bit stabbie right now, almost had a panic attack ,in public, where I go for cocktails after work, I just miss my husband so much ,ten and a half years, he’s been gone and two damaging relationships ,I am having trouble seeing the point, except, I have to consider the impact my demise would have on my children, grandchildren and my new great-grandchild. I think after reading w
    hat I just wrote that I might need to see my therapist again. Sorry, I am alone here at home in the woods. Just talking to some
    people I think might understand so that I d

  182. Jenny, ANYthing you write is much more interesting than EVERYthing in O Magazine!

    And…
    1. Always send birthday wishes and other messages to deceased people because the dearly departed always read them.
    2. Post everything you see that promises something good will happen if it’s shared. Tell followers that their eyebrows or lips will fall off if they don’t share.
    3. Never send an accompanying message when you try to friend someone because they don’t need to know if you have ever met or if you’re a stalker or just a run-of-the-mill psycho.
    4. Rack up as many ‘friends’ as possible and then unfollow them immediately so their pathetic posts don’t sully your news feed.
    5. Never give any indication that you’ve read a post by liking it or commenting on it.
    6. Post all the gruesome, stomach-turning videos that you can find; make sure a lot of them are about animals because people who love animals will love having their hearts ripped out after shedding copious amounts of tears.
    7. Depending on your food preferences, insult people who are meat-eaters or insult people who are vegetarians.
    8. Never check with Snopes or other hoax-finding sites before you post something.
    9. Share every medical story you can find to see how many people you can scare into thinking that they’re dying or going to die soon.
    10. Take everything personally so that total strangers who don’t matter at all affect your self-confidence and sense of well-being.
    11. Never, EVER check your spelling or grammar!!! (PS: Don’t check mine.)

  183. Should you be open to expanding this excellent list, I propose the following addition: Join a multi-level marketing business. Each waking hour throughout the day, post canned content received from the MLM as your status and try to strong-arm your family and friends into joining your network. Make sure the canned content is appropriately bully-ish–your loved ones need to know that you think they’re being stupid and wasting their lives by not ordering a starter kit today.

  184. This post and these comments have been keeping me laughing for days now! 😀

  186. Taking #7 to heart. Sharing and BLOCKING. Enjoy your day you horrible person. ;-)You Know What You Did. (might have included some #1 too)

  187. Jenny have you thought of starting your own magazine with you on the cover every month in a different costume or setting. I think you would give that Oprah person a run for their money.

  188. Perhaps they wanted more mention of subtweeting? As well as tweeting mean things to celebrities, but not Anderson Cooper because he is the king of comebacks and his replies burn the skin right off your face.

  189. Laughed out loud a lot while reading this then became disappointed with all the ugly Oprah bashing in the comments. Although the list is funny, it would never be appropriate for her audience.

  190. Love the title. How did you get to win such a connection with Oprah? Well i was wondering if you could check out my blog? I am a newcomer and am open to constructive criticism…

  195. Pingback: Something Good | A Thousand Shades of Gray

  196. This is fantastic. I hate the misuse of the word curate with the fury of a thousand suns. I should definitely track those people down and destroy them. Thanks for the advice! 😉

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It\'s like I\'m stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

Discover more from The Bloggess

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading