Kids today, right?

Things I wrote on my phone at 2am and then later found and read and wondered if maybe I need to cut back on my sleeping pills:

It’s weird that kids will walk for miles just to see a dead body in a ravine when they could just walk into a funeral home and look at a bunch of them without all those flies and lack of air conditioning. Kids, right?

Although maybe it’s because kids always want to poke a body with a stick and funeral directors won’t let a bunch of kids come in with sticks. That’s why I always bring a cane. A cane is a fancy stick and people assume you’re too sickly to be a threat, so when you get in trouble for poking all the dead bodies in the funeral home you can run away and funeral home people would be like “Whoa. Look at her go. That’s gotta be some kind of miracle. Maybe she was on to something with all this poking.” If I was a kid I’d bring a cane to poke bodies, but I guess the problem is that you have to share it with your friends because whose gonna believe an entire roving pack of kids who all have canes? That’s just unsettling. Although people might avoid looking at you out of pity. So maybe canes-for-everyone is a good idea if you’re poking bodies, or doing some light shoplifting. I haven’t really thought it through but this is exactly the kind of stuff I should bring up if they ever invite me to speak at an elementary school because those speakers almost never give good real-world advice.

PS. I’m leaving tomorrow to be part of the faculty (JESUS THAT’S SUCH A GROWN UP WORD) for the University of Dayton Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop and I’m speaking at the same time as a bunch of award winning famous people who probably don’t giggle when they refer to themselves as “faculty” so if you come to see me and it’s less than three of you I say we just go to the bar and get stupid.  Drinks are on me.  Unless there are 4 of you.  Then we go halfsies.  I’m not made of money, people.  Maybe BYOB?  Come prepared.

PPS. Spellcheck says “halfsies” isn’t a real word.  Really, spellcheck?  Because I think a member of “the faculty” would know what words are.  Honestly, I’m not sure if I’m proving me or spellcheck wrong here.

134 replies. read them below or add one

  1. So much looking forward to Erma! I hope there are no bodies though. Dead ones I mean. I don’t want to be the only person there. I think. Maybe I do. I don’t know.

    Liked by 4 people

    Michelle recently posted Should I Put Banana Clips On My Resume?.

  2. I like that in USA you do a lot more embalming. It’s not such a big thing here. Have fun at university. Bring a stick to poke people🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    Gary Lum recently posted My version of quinoa chicken fat risotto.

  3. Congratulations on your appointment as faculty. I’m glad they are accepting all of you and not just halfsies.
    PS: Adding ‘cane’ to the list of funeral supplies along with wine gums (too hard to talk to people while teeth stuck together) and garlic necklaces for obvious reasons.

    Liked by 2 people

    Kristine @ MumRevised recently posted Happy 2nd Blogiversary to Me!.

  4. FIRST?

    Like

  5. I’m betting that the funeral director who shot up the US Capitol the other day would let kids poke at the body with sticks.

    Liked by 1 person

    Elyse recently posted What Could <i>Possibly </i> Go Wrong?.

  6. I will be front row center in your class! I can’t wait!

    Liked by 2 people

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  7. I watched Stand By Me just last week! Dead bodies are irresistible to boys. Halfsies is most assuredly a word.

    Liked by 3 people

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  8. Were you watching Stand By Me before bed?

    Like

  9. I wish I was going to the Writers Workshop. How about you Live Tweet it? Please oh please?

    Liked by 3 people

    BipolarOnFire recently posted Do I Have A JOB?.

  10. Honestly, best part of this article is the heading you put it under: “Posts that will get me hate mail.” I’ll smack anyone sending you hate mail with my cane right after I steal candy from the y-11.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. I wish I could go! I’ve got family up in Dayton, and UD is an awesome school, especially for putting something like that on. If you catch some time, hit up Marion’s pizza…yum. And maybe the Dorothy Lane Market – if nothing else, you’ll be stunned by the selection of lovely booze.

    Like

  12. Now I kinda wanna go to a random funeral and have a cane with me.

    “Hi, did you know the deceased?”

    “No, I just wanna poke the body with my cane. There weren’t any dead bodies in the ravine for me go poke with a stick. Also, I don’t think there are any ravines here in Philly. That’s a slight problem.”

    “Get out.”

    “Fair enough.”

    Liked by 8 people

  13. I have never seen a dead body in the wild, but there was an old, abandoned house that had a rounded hump in the floor at the bottom of the stairs and we kids KNEW that could only mean there was a body buried under that floor.

    Good luck on the Faculty appointment.

    Liked by 2 people

    marydpierce recently posted It’s Spring: A Poem and a Light-hearted Lament.

  14. It kind of scares me how well I can follow your “logic”. Congrats on the faculty appointment.

    Like

  15. being on a faculty at a really for real university means victor has to call you doctor from now on. you just have to decide if you prefer doctor jenny, doctor the bloggess, or doctor bloggess. (doctor who is taken, obviously, and i’m pretty sure doctor j is still taken, too.)

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Note: you can poke dead bodies with your fingers at funeral homes, but beware. I did this to my brother’s body and got shocked. My mom said it was because of the flooring in the funeral home, but I’m pretty certain my brother wanted to tease me one last time… I’ll need to poke more dead bodies to be sure.

    Liked by 2 people

  17. I think spellcheck needs a spellcheck.

    Like

  18. My husband wants to watch that movie with our 9 year old who is afraid of everything. I think it’s probably a bad idea.

    Congrats on joining the faculty!

    Like

  19. I now have a whole world of new uses for the canes my husband needed when his back was out. Thank you, Jenny. I’m so excited!

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    Kelly and Geoff recently posted Say what now?.

  20. I feel like Erma would approve of giggling referring to oneself as faculty. And of sharing stories about kids poking dead bodies with sticks.

    Liked by 2 people

  21. Maybe halvies?

    Like

  22. Even if Doctor J were taken, word is he’s available.

    Like

  23. No writing for me. But if you come to my taxidermy class I’ll buy allll the drinks. And let’s clarify – I’m the student, not the teacher.

    Like

  24. Congrats Dr. Bloggess! Judging by crowds you’ve pulled at other venues, I’m not sure going halfsies is going to be cheap. 🙂

    Like

  25. 2 things…
    1) Halfsies are very real, so real in fact that they are a toy:http://www.needcoffee.com/html/toys/halfsies.htm

    2) poking corpses w/ sticks loses its novelty when your dad is a mortician

    (Challenge accepted. ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 2 people

  26. Looking forward to EBWW! I hope I don’t do anything too clumsy/awkward/stupid, but I’m sure I will.

    Liked by 3 people

  27. I think spell check didn’t like it because it’s supposed to have a V for the F. If you split an orange, say, with a large cleaver, you’ve halved it. Kind of archaic, granted. So I think it’s probably “halvsies.” Which my spellcaster, er, spellcheck, doesn’t like either. Like dwarf/dwarves. (See autocorrect spellcaster earlier.)

    (Spellcheck says “halvsies” isn’t a word either. Spellcheck is a real asshole. ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 1 person

  28. I am SOOOO sharing this with a friend who went to a wake with her kids yesterday.

    Liked by 1 person

  29. Actually you make a pretty good case for writing down your thoughts at 2 am.

    Although, after writing about kids and dead bodies, I might have problems getting back to sleep.

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  30. That’s where I live.! Welcome to Dayton

    Liked by 1 person

  31. I’m not sure if it’s all about poking dead bodies, but more about doing anything that an adult would say “No” to if you asked them but in and of itself isn’t illegal or truly wrong. Not sure we grow out of this stage…we just claim “Adult” and stop asking permission. Wait, what was the post about again?

    Liked by 1 person

  32. 32
    Kelly Stoker

    I just told my friend Crystal Hayduk that you’re going to the conference and that she better go see you and tell me all about it. She’s also an OB nurse, so if you have any medical problems (even not related to pregnancy) she’ll be there.

    Like

  33. Erma Bombeck was pretty much my first exposure to humorous, satirical writing with a healthy dose of emotional honesty. Her books make me laugh and cry. Congratulations to you for garnering a spot on the workshop that bears her name because you both have a lot in common with your view points Yay!

    Liked by 2 people

  34. So excited to hear you will be coming to Dayton for the Erma Bombeck writing workshop. I knew I should have attended! Some friends of my friends will be there (one flying in from Denver), plus Dayton is where I live! Yay. Hope you enjoy your visit.

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    bcre8v2 recently posted Granny Squares & Granny Panties.

  35. There’s a good joke here about faculty without all her faculties. Which I mean in the best #bloggesstribe possible sort of way, of course. Plus, you’re the one who’s using a cane.

    And I could write a memoir about being a faculty member’s daughter, so there’s that.

    Liked by 1 person

    OwnLessDoMore.us recently posted We are literally in the hospital’s shadow, but can’t get there from here.

  36. People would believe that a whole bunch of kids have canes if they all wear matching attire so they look like they all attend the same special school.they could pretend to be blind and therefore do a lot of dead-body touching.

    Like

  37. My friend’s daughter spent “Bring your kid to work day” at her stepdad’s funeral home. The staff hid on gurneys and jumped out at her to scare her.

    Liked by 3 people

  38. It’s unnerving how often I read something here and am left with only “I wish I thought of stuff like this” on my mind.

    Liked by 1 person

    A Crock of Schmidt recently posted Canada Has Lost Pride In Our Beers.

  39. I used my Grandpa’s cane to poke a dead body once. But it turns out it was just a drunk guy that fell asleep in his front yard.

    I wasn’t allowed to touch grandpa’s canes anymore after that which was really unfair. Now I had to go find a tree branch to poke dead/drunk people with which isn’t want tree branches are for and taking them down is kind of vandalism.

    I also think it’s weird that out of that entire episode nobody thought to tell me NOT to poke people that I think are dead. The ENTIRE problem seemed to center around my use of a cane which he had a collection of.

    This is why I don’t have kids.

    Liked by 3 people

  40. YOU are the reason I am so excited to be an Erma Virgin…er, well, you know what I mean.
    How about drinks on ME!
    Travel safely and I promise (kinda) not to fan girl too hard.

    Liked by 1 person

  41. 41
    ocularnervosa

    Canes are good for getting on the plane first too.

    Like

  42. Funeral Homes should have open bars. Forget free coffee. OPEN FRIGGIN BAR.

    Liked by 2 people

    Dann Alexander recently posted E-Books and Print Books – In Harmony.

  43. I know faculty; they are not all that and a bag of chips. You, however, are the whole enchilada. Or margarita.

    Why are you thinking (and writing) about poking dead bodies with sticks at 2 a.m.? That you bring both canes and children into it is either genius and/or terrifying.

    Had you been watching Stand by Me?

    Liked by 1 person

  44. I haven’t used my cane in a long time, but today it’s going in the car where I can grab it if I see any dead creature, human or otherwise.

    Like

  45. See, this is why I want to be cremated. That way when people poke me I’ll just get all over them and they’ll run around screaming.
    Also I almost typed that word “creamated” which would be even more fun. I’d like to think of people adding me to coffee as a prank.
    “We secretly replaced the non-dairy creamer normally served in this restaurant with non-dairy human remains. Let’s see if diners can tell the difference.”

    Liked by 4 people

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  46. I would love to see you speak if you are ever in Western NY (contrary to popular belief, not all NYers live in NYC!) Having drinks with you would be so awesome…but I suggest we go to the bar before you speak, that would be so much more fun and give me some liquid courage, bonus!

    Liked by 2 people

  47. 47
    Charlene mcgregor

    Good luck adulting tomorrow!! I wish this was happening in ontario canada!! I would love the chance to have a drink or 2 with you!!

    Liked by 1 person

  48. Whenever I think of Stand By Me all that comes to mind is blueberry pie.

    Like

  49. Oh yeah, I make canes & walking sticks, thats how I got my nickname (not from poking stuff with sticks & definitely not from being skinny😂

    Liked by 1 person

  50. Ok–so your ruminations don’t disturb me as much as the fact that the key question is omitted: WHY ARE KIDS FASCINATED WITH POKING DEAD BODIES INSTEAD OF HAVING SOME OTHER PREOCCUPATION?🙂

    (Were you never a child, Stiggle? ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 1 person

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  51. No – you’re in Dayton when I’m not😦

    Like

  52. 52
    BuckeyePatty

    Welcome back to Dayton! Be sure to bring your cane, because Erma, and the Wright Bros are buried across the road from U.D. You will have to be satisfied with poking just their headstones, though.

    Like

  53. My mother, who is 84 and wears a brace because her spine could shatter at any time, found a skull in the creek bed and managed to lob it up to flat ground so she could take it home and dry it out before she “played with it.” I don’t even want to know.

    Liked by 2 people

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  54. “I simply adore that Jenny Lawson” the spry old woman said out loud to the computer screen before getting up from her noisy swivel chair. Once vertical, she got her cane and shuffled down to the street where she gently poked the run over squirrel the fast driving neighbors had hit yesterday afternoon, “Next best thing, I guess, next best thing” she whispered with a grin.

    Liked by 1 person

  55. I’ll be at the bar with you. And I even have a little something-something for you, in return for al the fun and laughs. Hope you like it. It’s tiny, so you don’t have to worry about packing it in your luggage.

    Liked by 1 person

    Janet Coburn recently posted Is the “Friend Zone” Hell?.

  56. So not related to human bodies but sadly I had to put my cat, Oliver down about a month ago and I was talking to the vet about my other cat’s tumor after it was done and he kept twitching and one point took a sharp breath which was a little unnerving. The vet assured me it was normal and continued to advise me on the other cat’s tumor. I know this was totally not the point of your post but it reminded me so… Have fun at the writer’s workshop. If I were able to go I’d bring a thermos filled with Baileys and Coffee or wine🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  57. I think it would be infinitely more satisfying to poke a smooshy dead body in the wild than a domesticated funeral home body. Funeral home dead bodies are dull and lifeless, whereas wild dead bodies are teeming with energy. Or flies. Or something. BUT, the odds of poking a zombie in the wild are very high, because I’m pretty sure zombies are made from live bodies that are bitten and made undead, so a wild dead body might actually be a zombie body. I don’t know how zombies would feel about being poked, but I don’t think any good could come of poking a zombie body.

    Like

  58. I think funeral homes don’t let you poke bodies on general principle. At least, they don’t here. I don’t know how they do things in Texas. Plus really only Wil Wheaton wants to poke dead bodies. That sounded better in my head.

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  59. You can poke bodies in funeral homes with sticks if you really want to. I find that it if i take a small enough stick, I can slide it up my sleeve, and no one is any the wiser. It only works if you’re not going sleeveless, though. Don’t ask how I know.

    Liked by 1 person

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  60. I went to the Erma Workshop page. Pretty sure “Keynoters” is not a real word. Also, you are the most impressive person there. If you get anxious just remember you can always yell, “I’ve had TWO #1 NYT BESTSELLERS MOTHERFUCKERS!!!”. You also don’t just have millions of blog viewers a month, you have a WHOLE TRIBE BEHIND YOU.

    Liked by 3 people

  61. Why WOULDN’T you use a stick?! It’s way better than poking a dead body with your finger. Less squishy and all. But I think spellcheck is right–I believe it’s “halvesies”. Shit–spellcheck just underlined that one too.

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    mydangblog recently posted My Week 78: I’m Not an Intellectual, Another Haunted Bathroom.

  62. You’ve got a world of invisible cyberfans cheering you on this weekend – knock ’em dead!
    Then poke them with your cane.

    Liked by 1 person

    hazelhillboro recently posted He KNOWS Me (NOOO!).

  63. OH. MY. GOD!! Lynne NAILED IT!!! Halfsies DO exsist!! http://www.needcoffee.com/html/toys/halfsies.htm

    They are morbid, disected (well, sort of) And they were created by… The Doktor!

    You could TOTALLY be Doktor Jenny. gasp Eeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

    I wish I could go to your workshop Doktor Jenny. Halfsies, canes, dead bodies, and Erma?!? Sounds E ticket ride worthy!

    Burning side thoughts I cut out and pasted below because they got in my way:

    Erma’s still alive?!? She’s hilarious!! I laughed my ass off through at least 2 of her books. Sadly, it grew back.
    I so want a coulpe halfsies. Mainly the duck and cat. So want the cat can question it’s duck butt. A commercial for these would be awesome!! Or very disturbing… But AWESOME!!
    No, really. Go to http://www.needcoffee.com/html/toys/halfsies.htm My gibberish might make more sense after you do. But no promises.
    Duck-butt. That’s fun to say. Duck-butt
    Duck-butt Duck-butt. DUCK-BUTT!!
    I seem to be yelling through a lot of this… (whispers) sorry. This is what happens when I comment on pain meds. I hate taking them. But it was needed today and I honestly didn’t think I would be commenting here today. You JUST posted yesterday. So really, if ya think about it… Its all your fault I’m a golf ball. Well, you, Erma (who I thought was dead), …or is it whom?… The halfsies, and … What was I saying?!?
    BWAHAHAHA!! Autocorrect just called me a golf ball!!!!
    Duck-butt.

    I need to go back to bed. Please ignore the spelling mistakes, if any. So tired.
    -zzzzzzzzz

    Liked by 1 person

  64. If you knew what I knew about academia…faculty wouldn’t be that grown up! ;D

    Liked by 1 person

  65. 65
    Doug in Oakland

    But I need to use my cane to walk with, I can’t just go all willy-nilly poking at corpses with it… Although since it’s a quad-cane, if I did, I could theoretically poke them four at a time.

    Liked by 1 person

  66. Oh, I really wish I could be there to learn from Faculty as awesome as you! I would even buy YOUR drinks.

    As far as poking dead bodies with canes, I prefer to poke the live ones with canes (and or sticks, pokers, cattle prods, anything pokey will do actually), you get a much more interesting reaction. For example, if you poke a dead body, it just lays there, and while it may be satisfying to see the horrified reaction of those around you, it can’t compare to poking your husband or teenagers with a stick-especially in the middle of the night while wearing a Freddy Krueger mask😉. Don’t pity them, they totally had it coming!

    Liked by 1 person

  67. I just discovered your blog after reading both your books (well, I listened to them. Audiobooks.) I’m now officially obsessed!

    Liked by 1 person

  68. Up here in Toronto, our forder mayor lay “in state” at City Hall for the past two days…

    All I can say is your post is a day late …
    And half a dollar short

    Like

  69. Forder. …

    Didn’t mean to type that … but it fits (or fats?)

    Sometimes spellcheck actually has your back

    Liked by 1 person

  70. First: I love you. Second: It just occurred to me to ask you if you’ve read Janet Evanovich’s ‘Stephanie Plum’ series. Stephanie is our people. Those books will make you laugh out loud…which can be awkward in public…

    p.s. halfsies is DEFINITELY a real word. Probably in Urban Dictionary…probably…totally

    Liked by 1 person

  71. Oh and the reason I thought of Stephanie Plum is because her Grandma Mazur goes to funerals as a social event. She’s been known to open a closed casket from time to time..

    Liked by 1 person

  72. 72
    pointlessboob

    Funeral homes should allow sticks! I’d like to get poked before before being buried. Maybe even pass a stick down the line to everyone at my viewing. If even one person imagines they saw me flinch after getting poked, call the whole/hole thing off.

    Like

  73. GODDAMMIT, you’re speaking at Erma?! I went to Erma two years ago, and you weren’t there and believe me, I looked. Phil Donahue was there… and I did kiss him on the cheek. Yes, it was consensual, and don’t let Phil tell you any different.

    Liked by 1 person

    RachRiot recently posted How Not To Talk To Your Kids About Sex.

  74. 74
    Ellie Weezle

    Canes are so f’ing cool!!! I used one for a few years til my hip replacement, and no one ever suspects you of anything. Little old lady is THE best disguise. Everyone reveres little od ladies, cuz they are honest & sober & never do disgraceful things. HAHAHAHAHAHA You can poke things & hook things up….. & you fit right in at a funeral home. Have to keep moving a bit tho so they don’t bury you.

    Liked by 1 person

  75. 75
    loriborealis

    It’s surely my anal-retentiveness taking over, but you don’t say what to do if there’s 3 of us meeting you for drinks. Less than 3, you’ll buy, and 4 is halfsies, so I guess if there’s 3 we buy drinks for the table next door (to bribe them not to turn us in for poking passersby with our canes).

    Cheers!

    Liked by 1 person

  76. you are the only thing that ever made me wish i were in texas

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    lustyglutton recently posted An Open Letter to Johnny’s Roadside Diner.

  77. Congratulations! As part of the faculty, you definitely need a cane. On a side note, do you know that Ebay has canes topped with a deer foot? Then you can wear Wolf Blitzer with it (because you know, Wolf Blitzer alone would look like you were trying too hard, but together…perfection).

    Like

  78. Everybody knows that if you poke a dead body with a stick, it sits up and says BOO! Just Say No!!!

    Like

  79. Please come to WNY!! Adult beverages will be my treat!! sticklady1: you’re invited too🙂

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  80. Have fun, safe travels, don’t poke any dead bodies.

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  81. That workshop sounds amazing. Erma Bombeck was a legend. She would have had very good cane/versus stick poking advice.

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  82. What about if the kids have CANDY canes? I bet they’d be great for poking dead bodies and no one would question why they were carrying them. And then you’d have corpse poking AND candy. So… win/win right? Except for the dead bodies I guess.

    Liked by 1 person

  83. I used to teach cadaver-based human anatomy — we used a lot more than sticks to poke at dead bodies! I still think you need one of those canes that has a hidden flask. You know, for fruit juice. Or whatever.

    Hope your faculty debut goes better than this one (starting at the 15 minute mark).

    Like

  84. Hey! The link works! But it’s the 16 minute mark. Dammit.

    Like

  85. If I could meet you for a drink, I would bring juice boxes of wine. Or wine slushies for a hot day.

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  86. I’m here at the Erma conference too — partly to see/hear you. I’m going to try hard not to fangirl all over you because I’m a middle-aged, menopausal humor writer and mother of four. It’d just be awkward for you. (But please sign my books! I brought both of ’em!)

    squee!

    Oh geez, sorry. See, now I fangirled all over your blog. I’ll just go clean that up now…

    Like

  87. Come visit Oregon. We have t-shirts that say “I Went ToThe Oregon Coast And Poked Dead Things With A Stick”.

    Liked by 1 person

  88. A pencil behind the ear would be a good way to sneak a poking stick into a funeral home. Then if you get caught, you can whip a piece of paper out of your pocket and pretend to take notes. Their confusion as to what you could possibly be noting would allow enough time to get away. Better yet, carry a clip board and make it look like you’re an official of some sort. Then just nod knowingly at whoever saw you and casually move away.

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  89. Wow! I’m so excited for you Jenny. Good luck! I may be most of the way across the country, I will be sending good thoughts. And wishing I was meeting you at the bar.

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  90. 90
    evahealthlove

    I think you need to have beauty if you want to hold your family ,and the best way to make up is there
    https://evawiki.com/know-best-cc-cream/

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  91. You know how it is… a GOOD friend will help you hide that body… no need for stick/cane poking.

    Also. a GOOD friend knows your weapon of choice and can have it at the ready. Cane, stick…2 x 4.
    Whatever.

    Have fun with Erma’s tribe!

    Like

  92. Looks like an interesting course. Hope it’s fun for you! Try to sit next to Alan Zweibel at lunch. I bet he’s got some good stories.Maybe poke HIM with a stick and see what happens.

    Like

  93. I so wish that I could be at the Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop. When I was young I read everything Erma wrote. You remind me of her – only much younger and more hip! I found your book Furiously Happy when I went to the bookstore to find a book to buy my best friend for Christmas. Who can resist a smiling raccoon doing jazz hands? I bought it for myself and enjoyed it so much, my husband bought me your first book. We call them the giggle books because they always made me laugh, sometimes to the point where I cried. I just bought another set to send to my girlfriend for her birthday in May. I am sure you hear this all the time, but I am so glad that you came into my complicated and serious life to make me laugh!

    Like

  94. I always enjoy your notes to yourself – too funny. I wish I could go see you speak. I’d say that I loved to meet you, but my anxiety would have none of that – talking to you would be impossible.

    Like

  95. I wonder what Stephen King would think about this post!

    Like

  96. Welcome to Dayton! If you need a drinking buddy, I’ll be the one in the corner of the bar at Chappy’s in Moraine, watching Netflix on my iPad and people watching. The entertainment is excellence. Oh, and they have awesome fried chicken. And waffles. Good times.

    Liked by 1 person

  97. Yes, always carry a cane. And not just for the dead body poking. Which sounded unintentionally dirty…

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  98. You typed all that into your phone at 2am? You are amazing! I love how you even typed a PS to your 2am message. I can’t even remember how to unlock my phone at 2am.

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  99. Have you ever read “The Prince of Tides”? Your cane story reminds me of the chapter when their grandmother took them to a funeral home to help pick out her casket. If you’ve never read it I highly recommend! I almost peed myself laughing which if you know the scene is super appropriate:).

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  100. I will be at the conference – I am so excited to hear you!! Boarding my flight to Dayton in an hour!

    Liked by 1 person

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  101. They let me be faculty, Jenny… I think you’re decidedly better at adulting than I am. #DrBloggess #ProfessorBloggess

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  102. Would love to see you come to BlogU in Baltimore one of these years!!

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    terib19 recently posted Fear the Stick Shift!.

  103. I get the “Stand By Me” / “The Body” reference, but then by “the kids today,” we mean “the kids thirty five years ago.”

    Like

  104. I searched the OED for “halfsies” and got:
    “falsies
    half-pie
    balisier
    half-ass
    half-bred”
    I’m not sure whether the OED really gets you or is trying to be insulting.

    Like

  105. That workshop sounds like a massive nugget of information. Damn it, I wish I didn’t have to work. It’s literally an hour away.

    Liked by 1 person

  106. I wish I had known about this…but alas!!…

    I do enjoy saying the word ALAS!!! Aaaargh! It’s so piratey!

    Anyhow, I can’t come I am going to be in Cincy having surgery…but you will blow them away, and I am sure no one will be there to horrifically ask you to sign their boob. Still one of the best coming out from underneath my rock moments!

    Anyhow PROPS!

    Like

    Dandelion Buttons recently posted Punching Myself in the Face, Potatoes, Squiggles & Giggles.

  107. Lol, I love your style and humour. Just wondering, how do you
    Prod a body in a funeral home? Do you have to pretend to be
    Blind or something? Just want to know, in case I get the crazy
    Urge to do something like that.

    Like

  108. I think it’s halvsies but hey what do I know

    Like

  109. halfsies is as real a word as realsies … which I use a lot as in “for realsies”. Dictionaries are archaic!

    Like

  110. I so needed this thread this morning…I love my tribe here!

    Like

  111. spellcheck is wrong. Spellcheck is ALWAYS wrong. It is like my english teacher who doesn’t want to admit she is wrong.

    Like

    deliriouspancake recently posted Being highly sensitive.

  112. Every time I’m asked to speak at a university, they seem to regret it. However, they keep having me back, so they must not keep very good records.

    Like

    Transformed NonConformist recently posted A is for Action.

  113. Ha! It’s even funnier to think that kids these days would walk anywhere to see anything when they can just “Google it”. Damn it, I sound like an old crotchety lady. Too many kids will do that to you.

    Like

    YourMotherIsADirtyGirl recently posted I worry it’s drooling, my vagina..

  114. It’s so funny that you refer to a stick to poke dead things! As kids we always poked at dead things with sticks, then poke each other with the same stick only now it has death on it. I can say that as an “adult” of 52 I still look for my Official Dead Thing poking stick. As a side note, I have an antique dog that is a little past his expiration date and I keep a stick on hand for the days he sleeps really hard and can’t hear me. You never know.

    Like

  115. I’m totally bummed out that I didn’t know about this sooner. Also, it’s sold out. Really?! Ugh. I was hoping to be able to make a day trip as I’ve been stuck inside for the past 6 weeks due to surgery. It would’ve been awesome to see you. Oh well…maybe next time.

    Like

  116. I think it’s halvsies. (Oops, no, spellcheck doesn’t like that one, either. Stupid spellcheck.)

    Like

    kmkat recently posted Breaking radio silence..

  117. Totally off-topic: here’s a post when you need some CUTE! http://www.mymodernmet.com/profiles/blogs/animals-with-miniature-versions-of-themselves
    As if cats weren’t popular enough on the internet, redditor SteveV91 has uploaded some of the most adorable photos of the house pets hanging out with their nearly identical kittens. Whether simply lounging around or clawing at hard-to-reach places, the kittens are literal copycats of their larger counterparts. The series of seriously cute photos are also joined by images of other animals with their miniature companions. Each pair is sweetly interacting with or mimicking the other. So cute!

    Like

  118. So Funny.

    Like

  119. Everybody wants to poke a dead body with a stick….don’t they?

    Like

    sjhebig recently posted Random And Inconsequential Facts.

  120. Were you watching Stand By Me? And I am certain that my God Of All Literature, Stephen King, has used “halfsies” in at least one book. Kudos to you for tying those both in! And Erma f’n rules_!!!

    Like

    ReallyLoriRose recently posted It’s Friday and I feel fine..

  121. As a student in your class today I must say that you were an awesome faculty member. I kind of wish there were fewer than 4 of us so we could have had drinks!

    Like

    Lou Clyde recently posted Wrestling the Bear.

  122. Thank you for your books and blog. I am almost finished with Furiously Happy. While listening to the chapter that shares your father’s words, I was deeply moved by the comment related to mistakes. I have generalize anxiety and I am a recovering perfectionist who was raised in a home where mistakes were not allowed. Those words resonated within me. Thank you.

    Like

  123. You’ll be great! Knock ’em dead!

    Like

    recently posted Where the Light Is.

  124. Heehee. turtlesong’s post about Victor having to call you doctor made me imagine you introducing yourself to all the other ‘faculty’…
    “Doctor.”
    “Doctor.”
    “Doctor.”
    “Doctor.”
    “Doctor.”
    “Aaaand Doctor.”

    Congratulations, by the way!

    Also, if we are voting, I vote for ‘Doctoress’ as your new title.

    -Just Andrea
    

    Like

  125. I would bet my eye teeth (really – why are they EYE teeth? Can they see? Do they stare people down and become fixated on that spot of black pepper caught between someone’s teeth?) that you will be the best faculty member they’ve ever had. Humor is everything in success. And you have that. AND honesty. And being real. You are all of the above. Wish I could attend too.

    Like

  126. Wil Wheaton sold autographed photos from Stand By Me through his blog years and years ago (like, the dark ages. 1998 maybe?) and I got one. He even emailed me directly at the time to ask what I wanted him to write on it, and I was so flibberty-gibbeted from getting an email from WIL WHEATON, and having no idea whatsoever I’d want him to say anyway, I told him to write whatever he wanted. So when the photo came (of him and River Phoenix [heartbreak]) it said “May peace prevail on Earth.” Good enough for me. I also kept the email from him for years; not sure where that got to, actually…

    Like

    thornfield523 recently posted So I Can’t Type..

  127. Jenny –

    Go in Amazon and search “Sock It To Me SLOTH Womens Knee Socks Purple”. I’m pretty sure you must have these if you don’t already own them.

    Sloth on!

    Like

  128. They have sloth buttons and necklaces too. Now Amazon is recommending all sorts of sloth accessories to me. All for you Jenny. All for you.

    Sloth on!

    Like

  129. Halfsies is totally a word. I’m married to a member of faculty at University of Tennessee; and I’ve heard him use it. Legit. Even though he denies it, and tries to sound superior – then I point out that the mascot dog is higher paid than him. And he says no. And I say they university provides free housing and medical care, and a jacket. To a Dog. Totally better pay. Husband didn’t get a jacket.
    Of course kids want to poke dead bodies. That’s why there are sticks. And dead bodies. And a Body Farm at UTennessee – so college kids can poke dead bodies with sticks and get grades for it.

    Like

  130. Erma is my heroine.She made me laugh when I was twelve years old and no idea about the stuff she was talking about except she made me feel included. Do her proud.

    Like

  131. halfies isn’t a word but selfie is? What is wrong with this world?

    Like

    Ronnie recently posted 100 miles.

  132. I hope when my time comes that someone will poke me with a stick to make sure it’s not just a really successful nap.

    Like

  133. 133
    WOW A COMMENT

    My hero, as always. Very similar to lemonmarshmallow.com

    Like

  134. 134
    Ashley Glandon

    Hi I would really like some one who wants a pen pal to try something spontaneous maybe. I’m at the ada county jail at7210 barrister Dr. Boise Idaho. You can see pics of me on my Facebook I’ve been here about a month and have a little over a month left. I just need a friend and would love someone to respond. Thank you

    Like

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