GIVE ME THIS CAR, CADILLAC. YOU WILL ALMOST CERTAINLY NOT REGRET IT.

So.  Last night I picked up Hailey from her stage make-up classes and this week they did zombies and serial killers and – because my car has fallen for every zombie trope available – it immediately went dead and stranded me there with a bunch of undead children.

Screen Shot 2016-04-28 at 9.22.03 AM

Victor came to jump me off (not a euphemism) but my car was like, “Nope.  I see dead people.  Fuck y’all.  Leave me  out of this” and so we had to have it towed.  Then this morning I was noticing that lots of other big bloggers have ads all over their instagrams and twitter and shit and I never do so I thought maybe it was just because I’m not pitching properly and I decided to start sending out test ads to car companies to they could see how awesome I was at ad copy and then they could give me a car because I think that’s how ads work?  I don’t know.  I don’t really do them but I figured I would start big since I don’t know the limits.  So I sent out tweets like these:

Driving a @OfficialChevy made me fulfilled as a woman & cured all my split ends. #notanadYET

and

Driving a @Cadillac was so exciting I got an erection and I don’t even own a penis. #notanadYET

I was about to send out my next one (FORD: More space.  More towing capacity.  More room for the bodies in the trunk.  Isn’t it about time?  #notanadYET) but then Victor was like, “Hey, your new car is here” and I was all, “JESUS, THAT WAS QUICK.  I JUST STARTED TWEETING.”  But then he stared at me in confusion because it turns out he was talking about the loaner car he just picked up for me.  BUT!  This sort of seems like fate because I really like this car AND it totally has a hundred dents from hail damage all over it and it’s used so technically Cadillac would be getting off cheap if they just let me have it.

unnamed-34

Nice. But…it’s missing something.

Plus, I have a deal for you, Cadillac.  Give me this car and I will personally pay to have a unicorn fighting a narwhal airbrushed on the hood.  That way you win because people are gonna be like, “WTF?  Caddy has changed with the times.  I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW I NEEDED THAT CAR UNTIL THIS MOMENT” so it’s great publicity for you, and I get a free car with a unicorn and a narwhal battle on it.  Plus, for once Victor can’t say that I’m not allowed to immortalize great scenes of history on the hood of my car “because we paid too much for you to ruin a car with your ridiculousness, Jenny” because WE DIDN’T EVEN PAY FOR THE CAR.

Everyone wins.  Especially you, Cadillac.  And America.  And the unicorn.  Because a unicorn would totally win in this battle.  Unless it took place underwater.  Then I have to rework the odds.

So what I’m saying, Cadillac, is that you need me.  And I need this car.  I need a car that brings joy and whimsy to the world.  Let’s do this thing.

PS. I tried to get Victor lay on the hood like a model and he just walked away so then I thought I’d put my papillon (Dorothy Barker) on the hood but Victor was like, “YOU DON’T PUT DOGS ON HOODS, JENNY.  EVEN TINY DOGS.”  This is exactly the kind of bullshit I’m working with every day, Cadillac.  Help me, Cadillac.  You’re my only hope.

PPS. Spellcheck refuses to even recognize the word “narwhal”.  It’s all “Did you mean navel?”  What the shit?  Why would a unicorn battle with a belly-button?  This is why narwhal awareness is so important.  Let’s start this conversation before it’s too late, Cadillac.

#notsponsored  #notanad #TOTALLYSERIOUSABOUTTHISOFFER

151 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Stage makeup? That’s me every morning! Good luck with the car sponsorship.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I love you so hard. I feel like #notanadyet should be a trending hashtag. Because imagine all the places it will go…

    Liked by 1 person

    Quirky Chrissy recently posted Rando Photo Ops.

  3. I hope you get your car and I look forward to pictures of the hood painting

    Like

  4. I wish the country had been in the zombie-loving phase when I was dating. I would have had a blast. Or at least a lot of dates.

    Like

    Elyse recently posted The Birthday Boy.

  5. Out of all of this my one question is “why didn’t they fix the hail damage?” The rest I am fine with.

    (We had a MASSIVE storm in San Antonio this week so pretty much half the cars in town have hail damage. Not enough people to fix them all fast enough. ~ Jenny)

    Like

    iprobablywontbelieveyou recently posted Agitated Depression, Mixed Mania, Mixed State.

  6. PLUS! People would travel from all over – #flashmob – to wherever you happen to park it, just to take their pictures with it. Because it would be rare, like the Oscar Mayer weinie-mobile (which I saw and totally took a picture with)!
    So Cadillac would get SO MUCH free advertising on social media. Surely they understand that!

    Like

    Red recently posted X is for X-ray Lab.

  7. I absolutely love the kids-as-zombies pics. Especially as I’m listening to apocalyptic music as I type this.

    Also, narwhal is totally a word, spellcheck. Then again, spellcheck refuses to acknowledge my husband’s name, Geoff and he absolutely exists. At least, I hope I didn’t make him up.

    Liked by 3 people

    Kelly and Geoff recently posted Season Six: GoT heads into uncharted territory, Part Two.

  8. I think a taxidermic animal would make a delightful hood ornament. But a classy one. Like an opossum holding a tea cup.

    Liked by 1 person

    digbydigz recently posted True Confessions: I was stood up by a fax machine.

  9. I mean taxidermic

    Like

  10. Damn spellcheck. Taxidermied, taxidermied!

    Liked by 4 people

  11. 13
    Joan Tinnin

    I love you. You make me laugh at the mundane. And, thus, enjoy life more. I love your fur friends’ names. I love your amazing wit. Keep on truckin’, as they used to say…

    Like

  12. I’ll wager you and your followers could build you a Cadillac one piece at a time. A la Johnny Cash’s Psycho-billy Cadillac.

    Like

    A Crock of Schmidt recently posted I Am Obsolete.

  13. Promise to write about it in your next book… free advertising that way… maybe photoshop Dorothy Barker and Ferris Mewler driving around and then use that as the cover… even more free advertising. They love sh!t like that!

    Like

  14. I think you need Victor sprawled on the hood to get their attention. Reopen negotiations. This is big:).

    Liked by 1 person

    candidkay recently posted Espresso, anyone?.

  15. Awesome! Remember the commercial about Narwhals in the ocean?

    Liked by 1 person

  16. My shit morning has just been revitalized. The epic historical battle would be the shiz on that Caddy.

    Like

  17. You should get the car just because they don’t know how to spell “Bachelor.” Derp.

    Like

  18. 20
    BigDamnJade

    I feel like an airbrushed background of zombie children as onlookers to the Unicorn/Narwhal battle may be in order. You know…just to add to the intensity of it all.

    (This thing could be a masterpiece. ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Mz Bloggess. “Driving a @Cadillac was so exciting I got an erection and I don’t even own a penis. #notanadYET”.

    Funny. But inaccurate.

    You can’t own a penis. (It owns you. You might have suspected that.)

    May I suggest: “Driving a @Cadillac was so exciting that I wanted to marry it. #notanadYet”.

    There. I’d prefer a Lexus GS.

    Like

  20. I will buy a car from any company with an ad that mentions a lady boner. Just sayin’…

    Liked by 1 person

  21. I really want to explore this narwhal vs unicorn thing. A) Unicorns aren’t real, I don’t think, so doesn’t that mean the narwhal would win, like, by default? But B) narwhals live under the water (maybe?). So they’d suffocate if the fight was held on land. Or the unicorn would drown. So where would he battle be held JENNY? And could we televise it? Sponsored by Cadillac obviously. Maybe the fight could take place IN a Cadillac? If the Cadillac could be converted into one of those water cars? Then both creatures could take breaks, in or out of water. That seems the most fair. And reasonable. It seems the most reasonable.

    (First of all, is this Victor? Because unicorns are totally real. Also, in The Last Unicorn the red bull chased them into the sea and they hid there (I think?) so I’m not entirely sure they don’t have gills. But I like the idea of an underwater cadillac. One of those DUCK cars. That totally seems logical. ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 1 person

  22. If you invited Victor to lay on the hood with his storm trooper costume would he change his mind?

    (I think he’d be even more afraid of scratching his storm trooper costume. ~ Jenny)

    Like

    Manicmom recently posted Learning to parent with a little more chill.

  23. I say we all get in on this. Whichever car company will sponsor us a ride will be rewarded with unicorn/narwal battle scenes on all their cars. We will look like the coolest gang ever, and could only drive the sale of their cars higher. Shall we begin the gang-tweet?

    Like

  24. Cadillac would be stupid to NOT agree with this. And now I will forever be disappointed at the sight of any car that doesn’t have an airbrushed creature battle taking place on the hood.

    Like

  25. Defend your right to put Dorothy on the hood! Greyhound buses have them, Mack trucks have them; it’s not like you are setting a trend. Victor is so normal sometimes.

    Liked by 1 person

  26. Maybe you should incorporate the zombie thing. It’s all the rage with the Youths today.😉 ZOMBIE UNICORN VS NARWHAL.

    Liked by 1 person

    Trace recently posted Unexpected Fun (is the best fun).

  27. For underwater battles, the unicorn just needs scuba gear. Because scuba-unicorn just rolls off the tongue in such a lovely way.
    As you can see, I’m jumping to the important point, here.

    (I can’t stop saying “scuba-unicorn” now. ~ Jenny)

    Like

  28. I don’t know… I think maybe if you have a car that’s already smart enough to play dead when it sees zombies, you might need that skillset somehow.
    But then again… narwhal.

    Liked by 1 person

  29. IF there is a single person who screams Cadillac, it is you.

    Frankly, I am surprised this has not happened already.

    Like

  30. I think ur barking up the wrong hood, The new Mustangs are so you. Plus, the ad ops are numerous.

    Like

  31. And the car you get wins! Other Cadillacs will be so jealous.

    Like

  32. I heard Erma Bombeck got a donation for her alumni organization by writing to a big hotel chain and ending her letter, “Besides, I have never stolen one of your towels.”

    Liked by 1 person

    Janet Coburn recently posted Cat Visits From Beyond.

  33. She looks amazing. And scary.

    Like

    Michelle recently posted I’m Not Sure There Is Really A Dog.

  34. Hehe your daughter looks like she needs some of the cake I just made for my daughter’s birthday party! It’s a brain cake, but I don’t know how to post a picture here. It is beautiful!
    See link if you’d like! https://www.instagram.com/p/BEq48jRtdcT/

    Like

  35. Too bad the last ad never made to twitter, because it totally works. We were looking to replace our car after it got totalled, and one of the used cars we were looking at was a black Ford Flex. If you’ve never seen one, it is weird cross between a suv and minivan that is very boxy and slightly hearse-like. My adult daughter was with us, and assessed the cargo room in terms of dead bodies. We ended up buying it (on Friday the….that number) and nicknaming it Lurch because it’s large, slightly creepy looking and carries everyting.

    Liked by 1 person

  36. I think a pic of the kids in the make up and the tag line “Help me, Cadillac! You’re my only hope!” IS your ad….

    Like

  37. What might that scene look like, and could you please please PLEASE draw a coloring page of it for us all!!!!!

    Like

    tlcombs recently posted I Broke My Creativity.

  38. This post made me shoot coffee out of my nose!

    Like

  39. Until recent, I thought a narwhal was a mythical sea creature. So yes, narwhal awareness IS important.

    Liked by 1 person

  40. My ninth grade daughter is painting a picture of a narwhal in her art class. Narwhal lovers unite!

    Like

  41. I’m pretty sure the plea being in all caps would have convinced me to give you a car if I was Cadillac. #TeamCaps

    Like

    Wolf of Words recently posted Real X-Files.

  42. What. Is. Narwhal?

    Like

  43. OK, but… I can’t tell you how many times in this post I read #notanadYET as “not a nad YET” and was deeply confused (I mean, I guess it’s technically accurate…). Then I thought maybe it was “no tanad YET” and wondered if tanad is the name of the zombie virus and you were celebrating that you didn’t catch it yet. #CapitalizationConfusionPreventionSquad #NotAnAdYET

    Like

  44. Only if the aqua-squirrels get in on the battle.

    Like

  45. This will so be Cadillac’s loss. I love your non penis erection🙂 And what’s with husbands not posing in pictures as instructed? If I ask mine to merely point at a landmark, he acts like I put a cig out on him.

    Like

    Half a 1000 Miles recently posted That Time I Tried to be Cool.

  46. My neighbor’s cats like to hang out on the hood of my car. Maybe Ferris Mewler will pose?

    Like

  47. Honey I have the same car (but a 2014) and I LOVE IT! You should TREAT YO SELF.

    Like

  48. My Viking might lay on the hood of your car as a model. He’s a mechanic, so he might have the wrong end up though. But just think about that for a moment! THAT would be the BEST hood mural on the planet! And now that I’ve thought about it……if you don’t have the mural done, I most definitely will!
    PS: For some reason the link for my latest post won’t come up, so here it is: http://www.mrs-completely.com/funnywoman/the-sound-of-my-fury/

    Like

  49. Just rolling.

    Like

  50. Am I the only one who scrolls the comments looking for Jenny’s bolded replies?

    Liked by 6 people

  51. According to the movie The Last Unicorn, unicorns can totally live underwater longterm. I just don’t know how agile they are under there. The film was definitely missing some crucial scientific data.

    Like

  52. Unicorns would totally win because they have hooves (hoofs?) AND a horn AND magic. Narwhals can’t touch that. Background zombies would also be a nice touch because they could be all like “We’re next”, setting up the next epic Unicorn/Zombie match. (You may remember that Unicorns won the last one.)

    And I own a Cadillac and it’s an awesome car. Admittedly, it’s now 5 years old but that just goes to show Victor how well they hold up and retain their value and coolth.

    Like

  53. These companies need to get with the program and snatch up your ad-writing skills.

    Like

  54. All I have to say is SECRET UNICORN GILLS. Don’t forget those when you rework the odds…

    Like

    Jason Black recently posted It's Gonna Cost You.

  55. That looks like a boat, not a car.

    Like

  56. Just to help the cause along, I forwarded this post – with a personal note about your fabulousity – to Cadillac. Maybe everyone in #TheBloggesTribe should. Ya never know. Worst case, we get new joiners to our amalgamation of misfits. Best case – we all get cars, too!

    YOU get a car!!! And YOU get car!!! And YOU get a car!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  57. But the real question is why would a Narwahl and Unicorn fight? They’re besties! I mean, Land Narwahl and Sea Unicorn!

    Liked by 1 person

  58. I can’t believe your car gave you the opportunity to practice for the zombie apocalypse and you weren’t prepared! Do you think you’re going to be holed up at home when it all falls apart?! 🙂

    Like

  59. This post is SO good. Your next book is just writing itself! Add some of your tribe’s comments and there’s a chapter.

    Like

  60. Victor has clearly never seen a Toyota of Orlando commercial because putting their dog on the hood of the car is their thing. (His name is Mr. Toyota, btw.)

    Liked by 1 person

  61. I think your odds calculations are off – The Narwhal would have significant reach – 3.95 to 5.5 m (13 to 18ft for my American friends) – http://time.com/3419809/narwhal-tusks-fertility/

    Like

  62. Love the zombie makeup. It’s like a Joker / Walking Dead crossover event (Like Marvel Zombies, but even creepier). Why so serious? Because free Cadillac’s are no joking matter. #NewBatmobile

    Liked by 2 people

  63. They need to give you this car. Think of the things you could do with a free car and Victor couldn’t even complain.

    Like

    Catherine recently posted Throwback Thursday: The Mysterious Tadpole by Steven Kellogg.

  64. You need one of these! I have one because the Narwhal is the unofficial mascot of my kids’ rowing team. http://thescuttlefish.com/2010/09/avenging-narwhal-only-the-coolest-damn-toy-ever/

    Like

  65. oh man, i was really depressed and this definitely put a much-needed smile on my face!

    Like

  66. I’m disappointed in Victor’s refusal to model. But I love your ads. They’d get my attention more than the weird ones on tv.

    Like

  67. 70
    Cate Davies

    That is funny as hell. You rock, Jenny. Hailey and Victor too. Your husband reminds me a LOT of mine. Hoping to see your beautiful airbrushed Caddy here in Iowa some day 😊

    Like

  68. Good luck with the Caddy. But why do you want one? Why not a super-capable SUV that goes anywhere and does anything? HONDA!!!

    Like

    BipolarOnFire recently posted The Job Is A GO!!.

  69. 72
    The Original Lisa

    Maybe you should start smaller. Ask Datsun to give you a car. {Actually pause for research}…Ok I’m back. Evidently Datsun’s are still a thing. I thought they were a thing of the past, like unicorns, but now they are back, like narwhals.

    Like

  70. I hope you become their spokeswoman and you do ads in the style of Matthew Mcconaughey only more random, like “This car. I can’t even. A narwhal once told me something wise. That’s how I know I was meant to be Sausage Queen.”

    Liked by 1 person

    mydangblog recently posted My Week 82: North Carolina vs. Bracebridge, Ontario, Big-Ass Clock Crisis.

  71. Somebody with some mad photoshop skills needs to touch up that car photo with a unicorn fighting a narwhal on the hood just so Cadillac can see what they’re missing if they don’t do this. Then maybe the artist could also do one on a Jaguar so that Cadillac would feel threatened. Who knows, maybe you’d get a Jag and a Caddie.

    Like

  72. If I were your car and those kids showed up, I’d play dead, too.

    Like

    marydpierce recently posted It’s Spring: A Poem and a Light-hearted Lament.

  73. Let’s have some fun & start a story! Add to it what you want…. think the zombies were winning the battle so the narwahl & scuba-unicorn escaped into the sea in tbe Caddie and “joined forces” to create a Zombie destroying NARWAHLICORN! Everyone wins, except the zombies….

    Liked by 1 person

  74. Oops, fuckin spell check…I meant NARWHALICORN

    Like

  75. Where does Hailey take stage make up classes?

    Like

  76. Of course dogs can pose on car hoods. What do you think they make little tiny socks for? Dorothy Barker would also look marvelous posed behind the steering wheel, because driving dogs would be awesome. Also, a clitoris can have an erection as well as a penis, but for some reason society doesn’t celebrate this fact with as much enthusiasm as one would think. I think society needs to get its act together in this regard. Cadillac has a great opportunity here…

    Liked by 1 person

  77. I think you need a reprise of the zombie children makeup so you can get a picture of them trying to get into the windows to eat the driver’s brains.
    How’s THAT for a Caddy ad?

    Like

  78. 81
    gatxpeach38

    HAHAHAHA, oh my gosh, the comments are hilarious. So many witty people! I’ve had a rough morning but this is awesome. Thank you, all of you.

    Like

  79. Well…maybe this will help: https://www.instagram.com/p/BEwFWxvxJ3J/

    Like

  80. Driving a @Cadillac was so amazing, my 1-bedroom apartment felt obligated to transmogrify into a castle; now I’m Queen of Everything. #NotAnAdYET

    Like

    emelle28 recently posted 90 Years of Central Casting!.

  81. When you get it, opt for a vinyl wrap instead. Then you can change it out more often & for less $$.

    Like

  82. There is a typo in your post. Have fun finding it. Hugs!

    Like

  83. There is a typo in your post. Have fun finding it. Hugs!

    Like

  84. “YOU DON’T PUT DOGS ON HOODS… EVEN TINY DOGS.” If I had a dime for every time I’d heard THAT line… Well, we’d both be driving new Caddys right now. Also — in your pitch, make sure and point out that the existing hail damage works perfectly with your apocalyptic theme, as it’s clearly dents from the Unicorn/Narwhale horns…. so they save the cost of the repair AND get to pocket the insurnace money. So EVERYBODY wins.

    Like

  85. Sigh. I read that “not a nad” until the end. Thought my slang comprehension was deteriorating.

    Like

  86. “We paid too much for X for you to do your ridiculousness to it,” is an oft-heard phrase coming out of my husband’s mouth. “You have no vision,” often comes out of mine in response.

    Like

  87. Paint the car white and call your garage “the shack.” Then, the now-white, dented car will look like a golf ball and you’ll park it in the “caddy shack.”
    Anndd, maybe spell check was getting around to the “narwhal’ by starting with “navel.” Then “naval,” “nautical,” “nausea,” “(g)narly,” “narwhal…”
    By the way, me creeping on you on the Facebooks was completely unintentional, so ignore that.

    Like

  88. I wish I had some connection to Cadillac to make this happen. I recognize an incredible marketing opportunity when I see it. Because nothing says this isn’t your grandma’s Cadillac like unicorns & narwols. Or even navels. (I’ll bet Hailey was like, “FINALLY!!!” on the zombie theme).

    Like

  89. Ah, yea…. let’s just say Hailey – that is some great makup. You all look absolutely UNDEAD! in a grand way!

    Cadillac will never be the same going forward…. Old Grannies everywhere are cringing.

    Like

  90. Zombie children is really the worst nightmare in the zombie apocalypse. Ugh. Right up there with zombie pets. Those pics creep the bejesus out of me.

    Like

    Jess @ NoPithyPhrase recently posted Vacation Conversations That Probably Shouldn't Be Repeated.

  91. Ok, how is everyone missing the fact that unicorns are magical? I’m sure they could create a magical underwater bubble to fight in or scuba gear or gills. Unicorns are the wizards of the animal world.

    Like

  92. So I”m having the kind of day where I can’t do anything right. I accidentally stole lunch from the cafe next door (I went back and paid once I realized it an hour later). I keep unintentionally moving files from my inbox into, apparently, outer space because they’re nowhere to be found. I’ve tripped twice. I walk into rooms only to realize I’m in the wrong room or I forgot something I needed back in the other room. I know it’s just a bad day and tomorrow things will be fine, but I still have a whole rest of the day to get through and I wasn’t sure how I would. Then I came here and read this and I literally felt myself getting a little lighter. So, thanks for that. And I hope Cadillac gives you a car.

    Like

  93. you’re on fire today – love it!

    Like

  94. There’s a song …. https://youtu.be/ykwqXuMPsoc

    Like

  95. I hope you get to keep the Cadillac Jenny. I would have gone Dodge but that’s me 😃

    Like

    Gary Lum recently posted Delicious Chicken Maryland and crispy ramen noodles.

  96. If anyone asks why there are so many dents on your car, you can say, “HELLO, look at all the horns involved in this battle. Clearly they’ve hit the car a few times.” It will look very authentic.

    Like

    hazelhillboro recently posted When My “Sparkly Brain” Pukes.

  97. 100
    thatashgirl

    Narwhal’s are totally Canadian Unicorns.

    Like

  98. This is the best (NON) ad ever!! If Cadillac doesn’t take you up on your offer, Jenny, they don’t know what they’re doing.

    Like

    janice recently posted Anniversay Giveaway + Passwords Part Deux.

  99. I hope Narwhals and Unicorns are battling together against the Thing with Hair…

    Like

  100. Narwals rule!

    Like

  101. PEOPLE! Cadillac is SUPER easy to contact from their web site and this WOULD be great exposure for them. Let’s all send them a message telling them to read this and do the thing. I already have! The more the messages, the louder our voices.

    Tell me you don’t want to see how the art on the hood is going to turn out.

    Like

  102. I ALMOST opened a Twitter account JUST to try to help push them to give you the car. I would have placed a proper noun there instead of “them”, but apparently I don’t know how to spell said proper now. And, apparently, spell check can’t even figure out what I am trying to say. Why is my life so hard?!? Also, I think narwals and that particular vehicle manufacturer were MADE for each other. I mean, spell check hates both!

    Like

  103. The only thing zombies love more than brains is the smooth ride only a sweet sweet Caddie can deliver. Make this happen, Caddilac.

    Like

    DayLee Fix recently posted Stick a Fork in Me.

  104. 107
    Dana Gaffney

    You should put Hailey on the hood in full make-up, then Cadillac can be the official car of the Zombie Apocalypse, you could get the car and be paid for the advertising slogan.

    Liked by 1 person

  105. I can’t imagine why Cadillac wouldn’t snap up this amazing offer. At MINIMUM because the car ad where the hood design becomes animated in 3-D while you are driving through western canyons or beaches or something is bound to sell like a dozen cars to that rich geeky kid niche. And of course the unicorn becomes the next symbol of cadillacs EVERYWHERE.

    This is a perfect storm of awesome.

    Like

  106. You see? That is EXACTLY why up until a couple of months ago I didn’t know narwhals were real. Because even Spellcheck thinks they aren’t and Spellcheck knows ALL THE WORDS.

    Seriously, though, if I were one of the muckety-muck higher ups at Cadillac, I’d be hand-delivering one to you right this moment. Cadillac needs you.

    Like

    Karen Marie Peterson recently posted My Favorite Murder.

  107. Narwhals are the bomb…

    Like

  108. This would never work because everyone knows that unicorns are peace-loving creatures, and narwhal are allergic to whimsy. And where do you think belly buttons come from? Every baby gets poked by a unicorn at birth. I should teach biology instead of computers.

    Like

    becomingcliche recently posted Nearly Wordless Wednesday: How a Snake Eats a Rat.

  109. I wonder how long it will be before Cadillac is like “OMG STOP EMAILING US ALREADY”.

    Like

  110. I want to be gentle with this suggestion….Have you considered a possible connection between Ferris Mewler’s recent divination attempt and the death of your car in the presence of small creatures marauding as the undead? I’m guessing Ferris had access to the car; he may even drive regularly at night. (Remember Toonces?) It is possible that your interruption of his recent worship angered Ferris Mewler to the point that he exacted revenge… My advice would be to call in an old priest and a young priest!

    Liked by 1 person

    whatsleftundone.wordpress.com recently posted Goodbye to all that…..

  111. Brought a smile to my face Jenny, Thank You🙂

    Like

  112. I see I have a long ways to go before I can call myself social media savvy.

    Well done. I think if you film Beyoncé the chicken riding hard in the Cadillac while blasting Lemonade, you might break the Internet. And make my day.

    Liked by 1 person

    balletandboxing recently posted A little ballet with your Mozart?.

  113. I know your tongue is in cheek, Jenny, but I gotta say you NEED a whimsical vehicle. When I was in college I drove a van (because drunk drivers had turned that state into live-action Deathrace 2000) that had previously been a commercial vehicle. I gave it a good wash and sanding all over, and took several colors of spraypaint to it. Glued on those flat glass “jewels”. Painted flowers, stars, Goddesses, leaves. Just went nuts and had fun. That van looked awesome, but driving it was what rocked the most. Kids lost their minds. I had a school crossing guard lead a passel of them completely around it as they crossed the street. Women loved it. And men…hated it cackles Didn’t get it. Even my ex teased me about driving it until he had to use it for a week. Then he got it. Sadly it wasn’t up to making my big move, but the ex drove it for years afterwards. You make people smile and laugh in a car like that. Nothing better.

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  114. I know that narwhal thing – what’s that all about? If it would make you happy, I could totally make you a mini quilt to hang on the wall with both a unicorn and a narwhal. I’ve actually been kicking around this one idea of a roadkill possum with x’s over his/her eyes like old school movies. That one is for my friend Sheila and has something to do with a joke we shared a while back but I can’t even remember the joke now. But I found my sketch on my desk today, so it’s a win-win in my book. I should write a blogpost about that poor possum …

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  115. You have kids?!? Holy crap! How did that happen?!

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  116. […] my car has fallen for every zombie trope available – it immediately went dead and stranded … Continue reading → […]

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  117. Come on, Cadillac! #dotherightthing

    Like

    Amy Berry recently posted Cooking the Books.

  118. This post must have played on my subconscious in the night, because I remember in one of my dreams, I was very earnestly explaining to someone my theory that unicorns poop rice krispie treats.

    Here by the light of day? That still actually makes sense!

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    OwnLessDoMore.us recently posted We’ve pulled our home home to work on our house.

  119. Did Cadillac deliver your new one, yet?
    How are Hailey and her Zombie entourage going to pop out of the sunroof of a rental Caddy? Seriously, the ads for ‘what else can help with depression like a Cadillac’ are to Infinity (yeah… going for a twofer🙂 ) and beyond!
    (That’s where the airbrushed Narwhal/Unicorn sea-land fight scene comes in. )
    And, Cadillac is really missing out on the ad spots without Victor on the hood… bummer for them.

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  120. This was great! I will know who to thank if Cadillac starts making vehicles with unicorns on the hood!

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  121. I love that the car died from fear….lol. You could have put Ferris Mewler on the hood. Cats walk on cars all the time.

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  122. Thank you for the hearty belly laugh. I needed it badly! Go you!!!! You love life, and I love your jenny wit!

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  123. At this point it would be bad business for them NOT to take you up on this offer.

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    Awkwardly Alive recently posted We argue just like regular couples do..

  124. First of all- What’s up with a Cadillac sustaining hail damage? I am on my third one and up til this moment thought they were armored cars with big ass engines and trunk space! Therefore, the perfect vehicle for hauling around zombie children! Hey Victor, if all that stands between Jenny and a FREE Cadillac is you posing on the hood- well, it’s a no brainer…be a team player!

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  125. Hello there to The Bloggess, I love your spunk and delivery. Came upon your site????how??? I own a 1999 Caddie ETC with 110,000 miles. It is cherry red! It has great “sneakers” and great interior. Just need my AC fixed. It’s like a magnet attracting men…..Oy Vey. Left the food pantry last night and one of the volunteers helped me load my trunk up with “din din at the chin chin” for the month of May! God bless St. Vincent D’Paul. Anyway when he saw my car, he piped in to alert me that he has a Caddie with 118,000 miles, that’s parked out back, “all blue” and it has 4 doors! Immediately I thought Oh God Blue balls….Yikes. I thanked him for helping me and thought. Nice guy. Question….Do nice guys always finish last?

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  126. If the Bloggess Tribe banded together and raised money to buy you a car, would you paint a giant Rory on the hood and attach a Rory replica to the roof to stay there.forever and ever?

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  127. Maybe spell check was thinking navel as in that weird indented area perfect for stabbing with a unicorn and/or narwhal horn. Although it seems to me it’s then excluding people with outies and that’s just cruel, spellcheck, people with outies want to be stabbed by unicorns and/or narwhals just as much as people with innies.

    Like

    Megan recently posted Youtube…Where You Go To Watch Dudes Do Stupid Shit.

  128. If I had a penis, this post would make me have an erection. But I don’t, so I’ll just laugh without a penis. Cadillac OWES you a car!

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    terib19 recently posted I almost got arrested in DC last weekend....

  129. Leave it to the Lawsons to find a way to make John Wayne Gacy adorable. shakes head and laughs Seriously though, with that grin, Id keep an eye on Hailey and any teenage boys that may be around when shes wearing that makeup… dont wanna start finding corpses in your crawlspaces, after all!😛

    Like

  130. Great makeup!

    Like

    sjhebig recently posted Best Beauty Tips You Will Ever Need.

  131. I’m sorry…they should pay YOU to do this and to drive it around whilst honking (possibly mooning, but only if you’re drunk).

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    MeglyMc recently posted It Be Pirates!!!.

  132. I think Cadillac would be silly NOT to sponsor you. I mean who wouldn’t want a car with a narwhal and a unicorn battle on it? (except Victor but we’ll just ignore that bit for now) xo

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    Amy | Toothbrush Travels recently posted Exploring Eindhoven.

  133. I love this!! I do theatrical/stage/special effects makeup, and am developing an online course to show others how. MY KIDS WON’T BE ZOMBIES FOR ME! THEY’RE (autistically?) OPPOSED! I don’t know who their real mother is. So I have to do all the makeup on myself or on my husband, and he’s pretty hairy and difficult to spread stuff on, so I pretty much have to film and photograph myself doing makeup on myself… UGH.

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    okatniss recently posted A to Z Sillies Series #2.

  134. Stage makeup has its perks. For instance, when you’re finished with it, it may turn into a vagina…
    http://thecardboardkitty.com/2016/04/17/my-husbands-hand-turned-into-a-vagina/

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  135. Very funny makeup photo.it’s make me laugh a lot.I will visit this Sid regularly

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  136. It’s make me more laugh .what an amazing some of photo very funny

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  137. 141
    @TheEmilyCapps

    Having written ad copy for twenty years, I’m particularly fond of this post.🙂

    Like

  138. Oh man… this post is about as ripe as it comes for social media marketers like myself. If you were trying to get new circuit breakers or power supplies right now, I would SO have given you my secret stash right now. You’d be tweeting happily that your wifi will never go offline again thanks to bleep bleep promotion bleep … instead, I am shaking my head at my fellow colleagues who are literally sleeping at the wheel over at Cadillac. Come on guys… she’s part of that “Influencer Marketing” course you took last year, remember? And weren’t you at Social Media Marketing World with me 2 weeks ago in San Diego #SMMW16 hashtag hashtag??

    If I have a plea to give them here, I’m going to stand on my little soap box and say “Jenny is by far the very BEST influencer you could get to motivate 100s… or 1000s of new generation, entrepreneurial, suave females within the 35-40 demographic located in the lower states who also happens to have a)friends b) kids c) a husband and lo and beyond…. d) NEED OF A CAR!

    She’s got connections folks! Perhaps my brothers and my sisters should have attended this event or this horrendous incident with our Queen Blogger would never have even hit the pages of her blog. But the damage is now done… and she & her bees need answers. Will she be part of the special Influencer Ranks we spend so many hours thinking about during 9-5 meeting rooms at corporate?
    She’s REAL. And She’s HERE. If you don’t do something about it, I’m about to throw a few circuit breakers, some lighting controls, and mobile power chargers her way in a jiffy. Not in your space in all, but move aside, my brothers, move aside for the real peeps.🙂

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    jensylvie recently posted Periscope vs Meerkat : A Battle of the Titans.

  139. Jenny, frankly we’re all stunned and disappointed here that this stream doesn’t end with a jubilant image of your new and fragrantly-decorated wheels. But we have your back. Hit this link for a very practical back-up vehicle. http://handlebardetroit.com/. Ideal for blogging conferences or for operation by the undead, which would be much more fun to see than the perky toothy peeps pictured on the home page. #notanad #justsawitdrivepastmeearliertodayfigureditsautomotivefateforyou #Thatsarealcatchyhashtagrightthereisntit

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    The Reluctant Bommyknocker recently posted MAINLINING WEETABIX AND PARTYING UNTIL LUNCH.

  140. Maybe you need to Photoshop the unicorn versus narwhal on there so they really get the full vision.

    Like

    kstewand4cats recently posted Just So You Know I’m Alive.

  141. Jenny! Apparently you need to pose with the car: http://www.vintag.es/2016/03/classic-stars-and-luxury-cars-24.html

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  142. Also? You absoLUTEly need to paint your car, like Janis Joplin did. And I second the vote that Rory be on the car. http://autoweek.com/article/auctions/janis-joplins-porsche-356-brings-16-million-auction

    Like

  143. Scary look and cool car🙂 Love it.

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  144. This needs to happen

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    Jennifer recently posted KaBoom! A Place for Play.

  145. Narwhal, narwhal swimmin’ in the ocean, causin’ a commotion, because he is so awesome. It’s a song on youtube…I think you would love it.

    Like

  146. 150
    Debra Disney

    Ooh, I am Totally Team Jenny gets a Cadillac!! My Dad has one, it is a metallic copper color, like a shiny new penny. He loves it! It can be spotted in Any parking lot! 😉 PS you So deserve a Caddy + the artwork of your choice on it!! #notAnAdYET but my money is on #JennyFTW!🤑! Safe travels, always. Hailey looks way cool with Zombie makeup #WhyWaitForHalloween🎃 #DoItNow😨

    Like

  147. 151
    Debra Disney

    Ooh, I am Totally Team Jenny gets a Cadillac!! My Dad has one, a metallic copper color, looks like a new penny. He loves it! It can be spotted in Any parking lot! 😉 PS you So deserve a Caddy + the artwork of your choice on it!! #notAnAdYET but my money is on #JennyFTW!🤑! Safe travels, always. Hailey looks way cool with Zombie makeup #WhyWaitForHalloween🎃 #DoItNow😨

    Like

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