So. Last night I picked up Hailey from her stage make-up classes and this week they did zombies and serial killers and – because my car has fallen for every zombie trope available – it immediately went dead and stranded me there with a bunch of undead children.
Victor came to jump me off (not a euphemism) but my car was like, “Nope. I see dead people. Fuck y’all. Leave me out of this” and so we had to have it towed. Then this morning I was noticing that lots of other big bloggers have ads all over their instagrams and twitter and shit and I never do so I thought maybe it was just because I’m not pitching properly and I decided to start sending out test ads to car companies to they could see how awesome I was at ad copy and then they could give me a car because I think that’s how ads work? I don’t know. I don’t really do them but I figured I would start big since I don’t know the limits. So I sent out tweets like these:
Driving a @OfficialChevy made me fulfilled as a woman & cured all my split ends. #notanadYET
Driving a @Cadillac was so exciting I got an erection and I don’t even own a penis. #notanadYET
I was about to send out my next one (FORD: More space. More towing capacity. More room for the bodies in the trunk. Isn’t it about time? #notanadYET) but then Victor was like, “Hey, your new car is here” and I was all, “JESUS, THAT WAS QUICK. I JUST STARTED TWEETING.” But then he stared at me in confusion because it turns out he was talking about the loaner car he just picked up for me. BUT! This sort of seems like fate because I really like this car AND it totally has a hundred dents from hail damage all over it and it’s used so technically Cadillac would be getting off cheap if they just let me have it.
Plus, I have a deal for you, Cadillac. Give me this car and I will personally pay to have a unicorn fighting a narwhal airbrushed on the hood. That way you win because people are gonna be like, “WTF? Caddy has changed with the times. I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW I NEEDED THAT CAR UNTIL THIS MOMENT” so it’s great publicity for you, and I get a free car with a unicorn and a narwhal battle on it. Plus, for once Victor can’t say that I’m not allowed to immortalize great scenes of history on the hood of my car “because we paid too much for you to ruin a car with your ridiculousness, Jenny” because WE DIDN’T EVEN PAY FOR THE CAR.
Everyone wins. Especially you, Cadillac. And America. And the unicorn. Because a unicorn would totally win in this battle. Unless it took place underwater. Then I have to rework the odds.
So what I’m saying, Cadillac, is that you need me. And I need this car. I need a car that brings joy and whimsy to the world. Let’s do this thing.
PS. I tried to get Victor lay on the hood like a model and he just walked away so then I thought I’d put my papillon (Dorothy Barker) on the hood but Victor was like, “YOU DON’T PUT DOGS ON HOODS, JENNY. EVEN TINY DOGS.” This is exactly the kind of bullshit I’m working with every day, Cadillac. Help me, Cadillac. You’re my only hope.
PPS. Spellcheck refuses to even recognize the word “narwhal”. It’s all “Did you mean navel?” What the shit? Why would a unicorn battle with a belly-button? This is why narwhal awareness is so important. Let’s start this conversation before it’s too late, Cadillac.
#notsponsored #notanad #TOTALLYSERIOUSABOUTTHISOFFER