How to make Facebook actually great again. For the first time. #IWOKEUPLIKETHIS

in Posts that will get me hate mail, Random Crap, rants, You people scare me and I sort of love it.

So I just heard Facebook is changing its algorithm again and I’m not sure what that means but if we’re judging from past changes it’ll just mean that it’ll suck more.  Which is sad because there’s a lot of great stuff on Facebook, but you often have to wade though a lot of bullshit before you see it and then you go from “Let’s see what’s going on on Facebook” to “THE INTERNET IS PISSING ME OFF AND THE WORLD IS TERRIBLE AND I’M GOING TO DELETE MY ACCOUN-wait.  Aw.  Look at that hamster eating a burrito!  Never mind.  I’ll be back tomorrow.  Maybe.”  And that’s why I think it would be nice if people could label their posts on Facebook so that you can decide what you do or don’t want to see for the day.  Maybe you want to just read happy stuff, or maybe you want something to yell about, or maybe you want to avoid crazy bullshit.  Labels and filters would solve this problem.

Some suggested categories for people to use to label their Facebook status updates so that other people know what they’re getting into:

  • This is what I had for lunch.
  • You know you want to see my cat right now.
  • I have a baby.  Look at it.
  • I wrote this when I was drunk.
  • This is the best thing I’ve written all week and I want you to look at it. (Can only be used once a week.)
  • I AM OUTRAGED ABOUT SOMETHING EVERYONE ELSE IS OUTRAGED ABOUT TOO.
  • I AM OUTRAGED ABOUT SOMETHING EVERYONE ELSE IS OUTRAGED ABOUT TOO BUT I FOUND A WAY TO MAKE IT ALL ABOUT ME EVEN THOUGH IT’S NOT AT ALL.
  • I AM OUTRAGED ABOUT SOMETHING AND IT’S ACTUALLY A LEGITIMATE THING YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE HEARD ABOUT ANYWHERE ELSE SO LOOK.
  • Read my blog.  I wrote an okay post.
  • Read my blog.  I wrote an awesome post.
  • Read my blog.  I wrote a boring-ass ad that I hated writing and I’m not going to tell you it’s an ad until the end even though it’s going to piss you off.
  • Contains racist/homophobic/hateful meme but you can’t unfriend me because we’re related and if you do I’ll call you a stuck-up bitch at the family reunion.
  • Contains blatantly wrong information that I should have googled first.
  • Angry about a satirical news item that I think is real.
  • Obligatory prayers to whatever crisis is going on because I feel helpless and it’s the only thing I can do.
  • Actual action items that can help whatever crisis is going on but will probably not make your newsfeed because I’m not as popular as other people you’re following who are just offering obligatory prayers.
  • I’m in a bad place.  Tell me it’s going to get better.
  • Videos of weird stuff.  Good weird though.
  • Videos of weird stuff.  Not good weird though.  Maybe call the police.
  • Videos that are too loud, start with profanity and are on autoplay so you can’t turn down your computer volume fast enough to not get fired.
  • I already know I’m pretty but tell me I’m pretty.  Do it again.  Never stop. This is my 18th selfie of the morning.
  • Picture of me with no make-up, hash tagged #Iwokeuplikethis even though it’s obvious I’ve got makeup on and did not wake up like this.
  • Picture of me with no make-up, hash tagged #Iwokeuplikethis where I look sort of scared because seriously, where am I? Who drew this penis on my forehead?  Frank?  Did you do this?  WTF FRANK?  THIS IS WHY NO ONE LIKES YOU.
  • I’m lonely.  Let’s talk.
  • Funny video of people getting hurt.
  • Not funny video of people getting hurt.
  • Video of sloth/hamster/ hedgehog in bathtub/raccoon being adorable.
  • Video of above, but recut so it’s way too long and you’re going to end up closing it in disgust because NO ONE HAS TIME FOR THIS.
  • Actually hysterical/wonderful/joyous news.
  • I don’t have anything to share but I don’t want you to forget I exist.
  • Bragging about something anyone could achieve if they had a large credit limit.
  • Bragging about something that required talent or hard work.
  • I’m very happy right this second and I want to share because it’ll make you happy too.
  • I can’t believe you dumped this sweet ass, Frank.  (Usually contains partial nudity or questionable life choices.)
  • Vague-booking something so subtly that everyone is confused and no one knows how to respond.
  • Vague-booking something so obvious that everyone reading wonders why I didn’t just name the person I’m dragging but I’m not naming them because I’m trying to be the mature one, Frank.
  • Contains hyperbolic meme that is so over the top even people who agree with my cause will be embarrassed for me.
  • Contains happy Jesus quote because I want people of all religions to be inspired.
  • Contains angry Jesus quote because YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, FRANK.
  • Boobs.
  • Angry posts I’ll delete in an hour so you better read it now before I get threatened with a lawsuit.
  • Things I only post because my mom follows me.
  • Just trying to piss people off.
  • Facebook post about quitting Facebook even though I’m obviously not since I just posted about it on Facebook.
  • I don’t know how to turn off these auto-generated posts about my FarmVille account.
  • Memes that end with the phrase “SHARE THIS UNLESS YOU HATE JESUS/FREEDOM/AMERICA/BABIES.”

PS. I know it sounds like I’m judging, but I am not.  Mostly.  I do lots of the above on a very regular basis so please don’t write a think-piece about this yelling at me for censoring you.  Or if you do, label it appropriately on Facebook with “JENNY LAWSON IS BEING A REAL FUCKER AGAIN” so that I can keep track of all of them.  That’s all I ask.

PPS.  SHARE THIS UNLESS YOU HATE JESUS/FREEDOM/AMERICA/BABIES.

242 thoughts on “How to make Facebook actually great again. For the first time. #IWOKEUPLIKETHIS”

Read comments below or add one.

  4. Never been on Facebook and probably never will. You have just explained why.

  7. That’s actually a good idea! And it’s a shame that every time Facebook changes their algorithm, it gets worse. It’s like a preview of what Instagram is going to become.

  9. With post titles like these, I just might get sucked into the vortex of facebook. Thanks for the giggles!

  10. Shared already, well done! Was tempted to categorise as suggested again but laziness got the better of me. In fairness I’ve only had about 3 hours sleep due to the tiny person in my house who is notna fan of tegular sleep yet. I think if I did categorise it tyhough itnwould have to be Jenny Lawson is being Fucking hilarious again and managed to do something productive today, I am envious!

  13. My phone sent my comment before it was done. Since we’re being honest, I want my comment to link to my blog.😳 and now it does, hopefully.

  14. Excellent filter. Also, “I liked this without considering that other people would see that I liked it, and now I look like a racist fool”. Sometimes I’ve actually private messaged friends to remind them that they should reconsider making their inner asshole public.

  17. Don’t forget the memes with the passive aggressive percentages… “85% of you will scroll past this picture of a veteran/church/3-legged-puppy, but all my REAL friends will hit “like” and an extra special 3% will share.”

  19. Facebook lost all of my messages yesterday. I assumed that’s because they are tweaking their algorithm. Now if they would just eliminate all the abused puppy pictures.

  20. Awesome!
    May I add?
    -This is what I cooked that is so awesome you want to come right over, but you live in another country,
    -This is what I cooked that I burned so badly the fire department is here.
    -Here’s photo number 3,057,564 of my kid from the neck down, because I respect her privacy.
    -Pray or I will die.

  26. I quit messing with Facebook and am much happier for it. Giving tumblr a try.

  27. I’m not even on Facebook and I thought this was so funny! (And one of the reasons I’m not is that it is a time-suck and a lot of b.s. just to see my friends’ family photos) (Also, my kids don’t want me to see what they are posting, and this is probably a good thing, especially when their uncle gets all in their face for me and I don’t have to be the bad guy.)

  28. See, I have solved this problem instead in the following manner. I keep my Facebook to approximately the following proportions: 10% people I actually know (friends, family, etc). 10% funny awesome bloggers (You, STFUP, a few others). And the remaining 80% are animal pages (cat rescues, dog rescues, cat fan pages, interesting animal stories, Simon’s cat). This ratio means that for every actual thing I read from a person who might be trying to get to me down, there are at least a dozen cat pictures, probably a funny video, and a couple cute stories or blog posts. It’s perfection. Y’all should try it.

  29. I would like to add the child aggrandizement category that goes something like:

    We don’t allow gender-specific toys or food that’s processed or television, so look at this video of my 3yo at her Suzuki violin lesson.

    Lawd help us.

  31. “I’m in hermit-mode but If I don’t post something soon Facebook will drop me from your feed so HERE HAVE A PUPPY!” <–about half my posts

    “Yes I’m avoiding actual work by sharing too much of other people’s stuff but please like/comment so can justify procrastin
    ating some more” <– the other half

  35. Thank you Jenny for making me laugh! I smile when I see that you’ve blogged! Yay! Keep blogging!!! Are you in the works with another book? Loved both!

    PS You have a good voice!!! Brilliant audio!

  36. Rumor has it that the new algorithm will reduce ads, so we will need to have these labels to decide if we should scroll past. Instead of suggested post or sponsored or because your friend likes Cheerios, you should like Cheerios, it will be awesome to hear more about what Frank got up to this time!

  37. How about: “Facebook post where the spelling and/or grammar are so atrocious that your eye will twitch.”

  38. Yes! On the downside, if we had a “read my blog. I wrote an okay post” label, I would totally start sharing more of my blog posts and that might not be great for the universe.

  39. Great ideas! Funny thing is, since so many people on my news feed typically post the same category of post time and time again I pretty much know who posted something before even looking at the name. This is why I generally scroll past my extended family. I’m the person who posts helpful information (call me Ms. PSA) of ways to help in a crisis situation but it’s true–I’m not as popular as people who throw out ‘prayers’ comments so no one really pays attention. You also forgot the couples that engage in Public Displays of Affection going on and on about how much I love you and your funny toes, schmoopie. Methinks they doth protest too much.

  40. I used this recently: Contains racist/homophobic/hateful meme but you can’t unfriend me because we’re related and if you do I’ll call you a stuck-up bitch at the family reunion.
    I wish this one existed: contains blatantly wrong information that I should have googled first.

    The rest of these are useful, but there are so many of this kind of post that I just scroll right on by.

    I truly need “This post is sarcasm.” That I will read in a heartbeat.

  41. Don’t forget the people that post random song lyrics that seem to have no bearing on their life or that person that never actually posts anything but rather just shares everything that ever comes across their new feed, leaving you confused and conflicted. Is my friend both pro and anti gun? How am I supposed to figure this out with these random forwards?

  42. Pingback: How to make Facebook actually great again. For the first time. #IWOKEUPLIKETHIS — The Bloggess | Mopamuro Student Association, Kogi State

  43. Unfortunately the people on Facebook posting the terrible crap I don’t want to see are also the the people on Facebook least likely to add labels to help me avoid said crap.

  44. Amen to all of this..why do they have to keep changing everything…just let us all have fun……and promote our blogs..LOL…

  45. How about the label: Warning, I’m about to do my once every 3 months log on to Facebook wherein I will comment on 25 of your oldest posts and photos I can find and be as irrelevant as possible.

  48. Facebook sucks. SPOT ON and hil-fucking-arious…don’t forget “Look where I am RIGHT NOW with 17 other Facebook Friends who obviously think I ROCK.” Sounds like Frank needs a lil’ Attitude Adjustment.

  49. You missed one: Read my blog. I wrote a crap post because NO ONE LETS ME WRITE IN PEACE! Dammit Frank!

  50. Here’s another couple for the list: “This is a pretty picture of someplace none of us will never visit.” And lest we forget: “I’m only on Facebook because the PTA posts important stuff here and Nowhere Else, and I’d never see my hermit brother otherwise, so I’m stuck with this stupid account.”

  51. This is the best thing I’ve read in a long time. I needed this today. You made me laugh.

  52. The power of the complete block on Facebook is the best thing I’ve ever used. Most of extended family thinks I don’t have an account – they can’t find me – and lots of annoying people can’t access me at all. I’d add the following for everyone’s entertainment:
    – posting photos of food that you made, which honestly really looks bad, but you want me to tell you that it’s good because you’re dieting and super sad
    – posting disturbing photos of animal or child abuse (This is the fastest way for me to block your feed – I love both animals and children. I know bad things happen and I do what I can to help in my job and volunteer work. Posting horrible photos just prevents me from sleeping – it doesn’t actually change anything. Abusers won’t see your post and say, “Wow, I’m so glad I read your post on Facebook. I will stop hurting others.”)
    – posting pyramid scheme type home sales promotions with before and after photos that either look the same or clearly are not the same person
    – posting something about vaccinations, and then being shocked that it creates an argument
    – posting a random, dramatic lie about your life, so I will click on it or respond, so you can then send them a private message that you ‘fooled’ me and I have to post the same thing to raise awareness about skin conditions in sharks or something. I never do it and now I distrust your posts because I think you might be lying.
    – posting some vaguely scary thing about break-ins, arson, home invasions, etc and I have to figure out if you live near me and I need to be even more alarmed than usual

  53. I think I am going to start commenting on these posts from your list and consider it a public service. For example:

    “Contains hyperbolic meme that is so over the top even people who agree with my cause will be embarrassed for me.”

    –Jenny Lawson (link to this blog post)

  54. You can do away with all these but one and Facebook would be perfect.

    Boobs.

    Super easy to re-brand, too. Faceboobs.

    See? Perfect.

  56. You can do away with all these but one and Facebook would be perfect.

    Boobs.

    Super easy to re-brand, too. Faceboobs.

    See? Perfect.

  57. You forgot about people selling products or their new “coaching business” that is a pyramid scheme.

  62. I really want to see the über-post that contains ALL of these, it might make Facebook implode.

  63. The cycle of “the internet is pissing me off” but I’ll be back tomorrow is 100% my husband on the rare occasions he goes on Facebook….. I choked on my coffee a little bit reading that…. 🙂

  66. These are fabulous! And I want to be able to block by category also. Great enhancement suggestion. Which means it will never happen . . . .

  68. And I spelled my own name wrong….fucking fingers you really need to work! Its Jennifer not Jennfier…although I’m thinking Jennfier would be an AWESOME name.

  69. I’m happy to see that Frank is now taking the heat off of Karen. I felt really bad for her, but fuck that Frank.

  70. I’m going to start labeling all my posts like this.

    Also? I considered unfriending my sister because she’s hateful and hurtful to me, but found out about “unfollowing”. It’s a great trick so you never have to see anything posted by a horrible relative, but they don’t have to know you find them horrible!

  71. Perfect.
    P.S. Forget Frank. Obviously he is an asshole and you deserve better. : )
    P.P.S. I know Frank isn’t real. But he’s still an asshole. ; )

  72. Freaking love it. I’d love to block all the videos of people doing “cute” things to animals which are actually bad for the poor things.

  73. OMG, I love this so much! I would also like this category: “Asking for prayers/positive thoughts for an issue but I’m not going to tell you what that issue is.”

  74. Essay that seems interesting but it’s actually about 50 thousand words long, and you’ll only read the first thousand or so before getting bored.

    Here is a blog post with a click bait title that I swear is actually really good

    YOU’LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT

    I only read the title of this article, but I am outraged

    Go Fund Me account for ridiculous requests

    Go Fund Me account for heartbreaking requests

    Meme letting you know that your issues could be cured if you only did this one simple thing

    I’m about to complain about people complaining

    SPORTSBALL!

  76. As usual, you nailed it. Now I’m going to Facebook and maybe today decide I will quit it for good. YOU GET TOO MUCH IN MY FACE, FACEBOOK! I’m a 58 year old grandma who joined up to see photos of my grandchildren overseas and it keeps suggesting “GUY HUMOR AND INTERESTS” and I’m tellin’ you guys, you need to grow up and start thinking about something other than GINORMOUS BOOBS. Chrissake.
    And I agree with the post above about stuff on abused animals and sick children. I treat mine like royalty (well, the pets anyway, and I’m pretty damn good to the kids); these posts don’t do anything but add to the stock of ugly images and stories that keep me awake at night. If you want to do something about it, DO something about it. And posting and praying is not doing.
    And thank you so much for the opportunity for a morning rant, Jenny. I needed that. XXOOXX

  78. You’re a damn national treasure! Pretty sure this should earn you a Nobel Peace Prize. You fixed Facebook!

  79. My therapist says that Facebook makes people pretty unhappy for a variety of reasons. She hears about it a lot. I will have to go back at some point so my kids don’t miss social events that are posted on FB, I think, but I LOVE not being on social media anymore. Ack! Too many people! Too many almost imaginary friends!

  80. I have a baby. Look at it.

    That’s my Facebook permatag. Sorry, everyone. I have family far away and otherwise use Twitter.

  82. Could I please, please, PLEASE have a “Warning: sad animal story ahead. Do not read.” Category. I don’t care if it has a happy ending if I have to read-see the part about the animal’s torment “

  83. I think you captured all reaches of FB humanity here, ’cause you’re insightful like that. Also brilliant and amazing. I gush. I may have to copy and paste this as a numbered vs. bulleted list–it’d be easier to roll my eyes while thinking categorically, “It’s a total #32, keep scrolling.”

  84. “Vague-booking…” Is that a real thing, now? I know what you’re talking about, but I’ve been under a rock and haven’t kept up with my memes…

  85. Mine would all either be – Here’s something that popped in my head that I think is hilarious so tell me how funny I am, I actually got around to posting something on my blog please read it, or here is a picture of one of my kids/my vacation. Lately I have added – here is an article about how bad Donald Trump is.

  86. I actually love the tagging/categorization idea. Tip for getting it picked up? You may want to shorten the list a bit. 😉

  87. Facebook should implement this immediately. They should hire you as a consultant. You could be there “how to not suck” specialist or something. Totally legit. I keep debating on deleting my account completely, but there are like three people that I love who I only talk to on Facebook (because of my own anxiety around phones and bothering people, not because I only know them from the internet). So, this would be helpful for navigating through the bullshit.

  90. There also needs to be the “I’m never on Facebook, but realized I got married/divorced/moved/babies a few months ago and never posted anything, and I just ran into someone who didn’t already know about it, so now I feel obligated to tell you since you are extended family/friends/random internet people.” I need that one.

  91. “This is the best thing I’ve written all week and I want you to look at it” should be used multiple times a week. In fact it should be used multiple times a day.

    Just to mess with people. That’s called taking the incredible power of Facebook and using it for good.

  93. You should write a follow up blog post about the idiotic replies everyone gets on Facebook posts as well. Some of those are just as stereotypical as the post titles you mentioned!

    I’m not reposting this because I hate babies. It makes things really awkward around my 8 month old.

  98. I think most of mine would be titled with the “I don’t have anything to share but I don’t want you to forget I exist” tag. I rarely actually post anything that isn’t a share of something else or one of those stupid Facebook quizzes. Plus I think a lot of people unfollowed me during the whole Bernie Sanders campaign, so I may just be talking to myself anyway.

  99. Or…
    – Like/repost this if you are really my friend…

    Newsflash! If you send this to me then you really don’t know me at all and are probably not a good friend.

    BTW, Frank sounds like a real twat waffle.

  100. Come on, Frank, get your shit together! Jesus….Mary & Joseph! (My mom’s often used quick thinking diverson from swearing) 😸

  101. Also required (sadly)
    ‘Funny’ Animal video which is set up and is/borders on animal cruelty

    Those are the worst

  102. My Dear Bloggess: This is you at your best. Happy Freedom, everyone, from The Land of Enchantment, not too far from the world’s largest Pistachio!

  103. Will Frank know I unfriended him? And why does my auto-correct know the word unfriend!?!?

  105. I would use the “I’m waiting for my meds to kick in and posting this is keeping me from gnawing on my curtains.”

  107. Oh man, if these aren’t the latest features, I’m going to be VERY disappointed. And probably write a ranty post on Facebook about how they should institute them right away! 😉

  109. Adding this to my list of labels: “Read this blog. Jennie wrote an(other) awesome post.”

  111. Thanks for “Furiously Happy”. I keep lending it to my friends, and one of them lent it to her friend who is struggling with clinical depression, and it really helped that friend. It also really helped me. Thanks again!

  112. Am I the only one who loves living vicariously through other people’s Facebook drama? It’s more entertaining than TV most times, especially since Game Of Thrones is done.

  113. What about the ever popular passive-aggressive post aimed specifically at some unnamed person who has wronged you but you’re too much of a pussy to deal with it any other way?

  114. I’d be a big fan of “I’m taking advantage of the fact that we’re FB friends to attempt to sell you something instead of creating a separate page for it.”

  115. File under: I’m in a bad place. Tell me it’s going to get better.
    I’ve had to unfollow all news stations and many other FB stuff because I just can’t handle all the sick, twisted sht people do to one another. I can’t read another story about how a Mother murdered her children, or how another person shot up a movie theater or school, or how royally fd up our government is. It’s just too much for me. Most of the time I try and say every day is a new day so I can give each day a chance, but lately, I haven’t had the strength. I know I’m mildly depressed, have raging peri-menopausal hormones, but combine that with the world being such a fucked up place, and the thought of my daughter leaving to go to college next year, makes me barely able to function. I can’t protect her. I can’t keep her from her dreams of going away to school. I don’t know what I’ll do since being a Mom is the only thing I found that I am halfway good at. I fear being sucked into a black hole of depression and fear. I cry at pretty much anything. My family and friends don’t seem to understand or want to hear me. I’ve never verbally vomited my sh*t here, but I needed to get it out somewhere, and after reading your books, and hearing you speak, and even having you sign my terribly taxidermied baby alligator in St. Louis at the ‘jail’, I felt safe enough to type it. Thanks.

  117. I wanna share this and say “FUCK YEAH!” but my Mom reads my posts. But come to think of it, she’s the one who told me about you in the first place, so FUCK YEAH!

  120. I went through this weird phase in college where I would say something to my microbiology lab partners and they totally acted like I hadn’t said anything, probably because they knew I was flunking, but it really makes you question your existence when people don’t hear you. Now Facebook is messing with my head because stuff I post even disappears from my own newsfeed and I never get responses on my posts so (I hope) my friends don’t even see them. Facebook has put me in a social black hole. WTF Facebook??!!

  121. YES YES YES YES YES. Facebook could be such a happy place if I could filter things this way! I’m amazed at how many people I’ve finally unfollowed who I actually agree with (politically or religiously or whatever) but I just can’t bear being bombarded with their constant posts about this topic any more! Please, Mark Zuckerberg, read this???

  122. Well this is just fantastic. Let me make it all about me by telling you that after having facebook for five years or however long it has been around I deactivated my account about a month ago for EVERY last reason you posted (except for the actual joyous news part, I miss those posts but barely saw them anyway because of the shitty algorithm thing) So, I have been fb free for about a month and it feels wonderful. I still have my business page but it’s not the same at all and I feel freeeeeeee.

  123. I’m almost 70 and you should read this because I’m an elder and have some experiences.
    Blatherings that I wrote because I think are profound but they really aren’t.
    GODDAMMIT INTERNET!! WTF??!

  126. I keep reading that as “…unless you ate Jesus”, which I find more amusing than disturbing, but I’ve been around a lot of Catholics in my time, sooo…yeah. /communion joke that even the Pope would roll his eyes at

  129. I think if we all just stuck to “I wrote this when I was drunk,” we’d have all the news that’s fit to tell (and some that’s not) in the most entertaining way:). I’m all for simplification.

  130. I would like to add some that appear on my feed often:
    * VEGAN (contains animal cruelty because I don’t care that some people might be triggered, i want to shock you into being vegan too)
    *VEGAN – actually nice food I can give you recipe for or recommend the restaurant
    *NOT VEGAN – I am eating a burger

    Also I’m pretty sure facebook censors boobs?

  131. It drives me nuts when it shows you a twice removed comment on something they liked on someone else’s page. I wanna see the stuff they share purposefully, not every little thing.

  134. A few months ago I posted a sincere story about my teenage son who told me to “stop following him around all the time and asking him about his feelings.” I was hoping for an outpour of loving advice, and stories relating to mine. What I got was a drunken rant from a very old friend that ended with the sentence, “and he too shall fall.” So, yeah. I don’t go to Facebook for advice anymore.

  135. You forgot the “buy this!” It’s great! It won’t fit you exactly, but you’ll buy it because you’re about to drop a size and will want to wear it later. Or buy this, it’s a great product, it’ll look good on you, or your dogs and cats will go nuts over it….blah blah blah…..deleting my PayPal now!!!

  136. You forgot Happy Anniversary To My Best Friend I Love You So Much posts. The only person who would care probably doesn’t use Facebook. And you should be telling them personally, not on the internet.

  137. Jenny, you should be the official person whose in charge of changing Facebook algorithms. You already made a list of categories that everybody around the world appreciates. Why has Facebook not hired you yet?

  138. Filters would be wonderful. Hopefully Facebook will see this and be, like, “This Jenny lady knows her shit” and pays you a shit-ton of royalties to use your idea. Or however that sorta thing works…

  139. I actually have to block a lot of my friends. Or rather stop following them, so that I don’t get needlessly angry.

  140. “Video of sloth/hamster/ hedgehog in bathtub/raccoon being adorable.” Best typo ever… translates to: “Video of a sloth or a hamster or a hedgehog in a bathtub being adorable or in a raccoon being adorable.” I would like to see a hamster in a raccoon being adorable. Or, maybe just an adorable bathtub. It would probably be the kind with those claw feet and it would have to be pink. Oh! and it would also have to be filled with fluffy bubble bath bubbles. Yep, I want an adorable bathtub.

  142. I’m totally blocking Frank (but not unfriending, because who doesn’t want to see a good train wreck now and then (not an actual train wreck, because nobody wants to see that (and by that I mean, I don’t want to know anybody who wants to see that. Unless they work for train safety or something, then I might want to know them)))?

  143. Racism from family members… AND boobs from family members. Really, and not younger family members:(
    Title: This will make you feel shame for something that’s not your fault

  144. I would add “what the weather looks like outside my window” because I want to see everyone’s weather reports, but I’m not sure they want to see mine.

  145. And multi-level marketers pimping useless shit that nobody wants otherwise it would be SOLD IN A STORE.

  146. I want to be able to turn the I AM OUTRAGEDses on and off at will. ‘Cos sometimes I want to fix the world by shouting at it with the other howler monkeys, but other times I’m just looking for a baby sloth who can tell me it’s all going to be all right.

  147. Today I am sick because of reaction to medication, thank you for making me forget it for a while reading this post. Should we label comment too?

  149. I’m so happy just to have recently discovered you, yes, I know I’m not first. Now I can finally show my mom and kids, YES,other moms do swear like me. Thank you for reinforcing something that brings me such joy!

  150. I’m so happy just to have recently discovered you, yes, I know I’m not first. Now I can finally show my mom and kids, YES,other moms do swear like me. Thank you for reinforcing something that brings me such joy!

  152. I am now naming all fuckers/dumbasses I run into ‘FRANK’………hhmmmm this might include some family members. But that’s ok, they’ll just think I’m off my meds again. Oohhhh I should get stickers and write ‘FRANK’ so I’ll be prepared!

  153. Personally, I like reading the competitive parent updates on Facebook, or the social climbers – trying to out-piss one another on the great Facebook wall 🙂

  154. Hey dudes, you know who has never, ever had a Facebook account?

    THIS GUY!

    I feel like that genuinely deserves to be a source of pride.

  155. You forgot the “Happy Holidays to [insert dead relative]!” posts, the “I miss my [insert dead relative] so much!” and any other tearjerker tribute to the dead relative labels. Or maybe I just know too many sad sacks with dead relatives (alas my relatives live on).

  156. I believe I have seen each one of these at least once within the last 3 days.

  159. This is totes Mcgoats true… and yet I keep coming back to Facebook…

  160. I don’t care how adorable it’s being. Someone get that sloth out of that raccoon!

  161. Let me be Frank. No wait, I changed my mind. Jenny, on Facebook you can be a virtual fucker instead of a real one.

  162. Let me be Frank. No wait, I changed my mind. Jenny, on Facebook you can be a virtual fucker instead of a real one.

  163. Vague-booking. That. That right there is why I believe we are living in the Prologue to the Apocalypse. For serious.

  164. Or “Here’s a 5 minute video that is actually 10 seconds of footage repeated over and over”.

  166. I wish I could pin this on the top of my own page,because this is amazing.
    Also, I’d like to be able to just tag people and say “Number 17, Stewarg. YOU ARE NUMBER 17” and just leave it at that.

  169. Yep. Facebook. You nailed it.

    I know you have loads of emails to read, but I really hope you read this one. The lady who cleans for me is going through a shitstorm — her husband has rectal cancer and after a lot of arguing, the doctors convinced him to do chemo and radiation. Meanwhile her daughter was recently widowed (her husband had one of those hideous nerve degenerative diseases and toward the end could only communicate by blinking); her child is autistic; and just to plop the poisoned cherry on top of the shit sundae, she (my cleanining lady or Anti Chaos Technician as I prefer to call her) was at someone’s house the other day, cleaning, and the client went into her room at 2pm and died. Mind you, this lady was elderly, in poor health and had been going around saying “I’m going to die at 2 pm this Tuesday” (NO LIE). But still…

    So, I was trying to make her laugh and sort of succeeding and she was saying “Lady, you need to get rid of some of these books,” She then picked up (fanfare) “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened.” “Take that home,” I said. ” Read it. You will laugh. You will feel better.”

    Yesterday, she was here again, saying “I read the book and I laughed uncontrollably. I feel better. My daughter read the book; she hasn’t laughed that much in two years. My granddaughter with Asperger’s is reading the book and laughing.”

    So, Madame Jenny — YOU ARE DOING GOOD. KEEP GOING.

  170. Yes! And also anything that has meme with the words “RELATIONSHIP GOALS”. Or any goals for that matter. I don’t care about your fucking goals. Plus, it makes me feel bad because I have no goals.

  171. Whew! I’m glad I’m not on Facebook. It would gobble up every spare second I might have. I’d feel OBLIGATED to read every posting. I’d spiral down that rabbit hole so fast…ye gads.

  172. Those would actually be very good categories. Then I could read all the “this article will really tick you off” (lately these are usually “Trump said/did something”) posts when I’m feeling strong and powerful, and save all the cat videos for days when I need them.

  173. Great breakdown of Facebook posts. Where does the dreaded Facebook version of chain letters fall. i.e. “I’m going to find out who my true friends are, repost this and comment about where we first met (or some other random criteria)and I’ll know who among my Facebook “friends” really pays attention to my posts.” Who has time for that shit? You’re taking me away from cute hedgehog/cat/piglet videos.

  174. Need a filter to block disgusting images of cruelty to animals, people…. Don’t want to look at another hideous picture. Yes I hope the malevolent deviant goes to jail, but please I don’t need to see what was done. And why do I need to even tell you my friends please don’t send me these posts.

  175. What is FACEBOOK? I’ve been online since 1998 and never have been there.

  176. Wow! You came up with a LOT of categories! I will save this and tag my posts accordingly. I do enjoy my Facebook, but I understand the frustration many feel. Freaking Frank.

  179. My cousin works for Facebook now. I am going to forward this to him for ideas.

  180. I wish Facebook did have an option to label your post sorta like wordpress titles for blog posts. Pretty much all of mine would be “I wrote this when I was drunk.”

    (P.S. Reading your comments made me crack up because now I know people I know in real life read your blog too which is exciting or lots of people just have the same name. I’m hoping for the former so I can blow them up like, “YOU READ JENNY?!?!?!” and fan-girl out in ways I have yet to be able to.)

  181. ALL OF THOSE, plus two of mine would make FB so much better for me:
    1. “I’mma go ahead and post a photo of my incision and ask if it looks infected with ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY no warning. Wheeee!” (that goes for any other injury photos, too)
    2. “Frank and I have the smartest children EVER! They just got 80 billion awards and were inducted into the ‘Smarter Than Your Kid Society’ last night! So proud!”

  182. I need the ones about cat posts and blog posts. Plus an app that only allows something to be shared to me ONCE instead of everyone posting the same cat/cucumber video on my wall. I get it…….I like cats. That’s the one and only thing you know about me. Cats.

  184. I got off of Facebook two years ago because their latest change at the time once again pissed me off. I told them as much when I deactivated my account.

  185. Why can you only use the “this is the best thing I’ve written this week” thing once per week?

    That was the best thing you’d written all week — up to that point. Of course, you have to make sure that this new thing is better than the last thing you wrote, or you could find yourself being sued for the value of the ten seconds of time your readers spent reading the not-as-good thing that you insisted was better than the first thing.

    I think it’s probably bedtime.

  186. I am not on Facebook so I will not judge those who are. Oh, that is such a lie. I judge, therefore I am. But really, I read real books and yours are some of the best, so thank you for your genius and wit and for making me laugh and sometimes laugh through tears. I can live without Facebook but I cannot live without books. (The last part of that sentence is Thomas Jefferson quote.)

  190. This is why I’ve moved from Facebook to Tumblr – people tag their posts and you can blacklist tags you don’t want to know about. Don’t want to see spoilers for a new film? Blacklist the movie title tag. Don’t want to read depressing things because you’re in a really bad mindset? Search for posts in the fluffy kittens tag. Get triggered by a particular subject because you’ve been through some bad stuff? Blacklist that subject.

  192. If I had 3 wishes for Facebook, they would be 1, for everyone to word their posts so that hitting “like” is awkward (ie. I am at the end of my rope) 2, getting Mark Zuckerburg some colourful t-shirts – 3, another wish. (4, the t-shirt thing again) (seriously).

    Your list was pretty good too, though.

  195. WARNING: Carcass pictures of the animal I just killed during (fill in the blank) hunting season.-

    A few seasons of the year my Facebook feed is a bloody mess. It’s more than a little shocking without warning so I would appreciate notice before I scroll past your children posing over dead animals.

  196. Also suggest the tag- Spoilers for the show you Have on DVR and haven’t watched yet.

    My friend had a fantastic idea about TV and FB spoilers. So it is similar to the safety checkin you can do on FB. Check that you have seen the show then any related post about the show will appear but not unless you checked in.

  198. To Linda #116: I hope you will feel stronger soon – this is a great place to vent. So many of us have been in the same place or are there now. It sounds like you need someone to listen to you. Remember that sometimes our brains need a little outside guidance.
    I’ve got my own issues but have family members with other mental health issues. Sometimes I find myself thinking that I am being unreasonable and THEY are the reasonable ones – then I get myself to the counselor for a few sessions to remind myself that I am not unreasonable to set boundaries. Your need for constant companionship does not trump my need for solitude.
    Well, there’s my vent and look how I turned it to be all about me!
    Hugs

  199. Perfect timing. Yesterday some friends were all upset to read “Stan Lee dyes quietly at home…”
    and apparently didn’t open the article before sharing — and they didn’t recognize the spelling so they didn’t get the joke. IT WAS ABOUT DYING HIS HAIR, PEOPLE.

  200. Yes, please. I stayed away from Facebook for a long time because I was in a bad place and Facebook was not the place where anyone was telling me it would get better. (Things are better now. Thank you, Jenny, for being on Twitter to remind us that we’re not alone [although my BFF is on Twitter and constantly reminds me that I’m not alone, which is why I love her] and that depression lies.) I think Facebook is meant to be a weird and crazy place. If it isn’t, assuming that it is will be the only way to stick around. (I won’t share your thing. Not because I hate America or Jesus or kittens or WHATEVER, but because I hate sharing that nonsense. Or because I hate you, STEVE.)

    Thanks for helping me wake up with a smile!

  201. I got so frustrated with stupid political posts from people I actually love that I announced in my status that I was taking a break from Facebook until after the election. The goal is to focus on my health. I’ve had two spine sugeries in the past year and am scheduled for shoulder surgery on July 8th. I just can not let myself get stressed out by stupid stuff (like the Donald.). I can tell you that Facebook does not like being ignored, they email me about 10 times a day.
    Thank you for your books and your blog. What you are doing matters so much to so many of us. I hope you are feeling better. I’m sending positive vibes from Michigan to you!

  202. My big Facebook request – instead of linking the spammy ad-laden web page that requires four clicks to view that cute video, how about just linking the YouTube shortcut to the video itself?

    As usual, a spot-on post. We really need a Facebook etiquette manual.

  204. You are soooo funny. Thanks for that Jenny, I truly appreciate it.
    (Happy Canada Day to my fellow Canadians).

  206. Is there a way to vote you the president of Facebook or the Grand Empress of Facebook or total ruler or something official and catchy?

  207. Yesterday a friend said “I have an announcement, but I need my wife to acknowledge the text so she doesn’t find out on a status update.” So I responded “Damn it, you’re pregnant again?!? Did my talk not sink in AT ALL???”

    It was a boring announcement about their impending kitchen remodel and when I was assured “The cabinets are coming” wasn’t a euphemism for something interesting, his friends and I went gayly forward with the pregnancy theme. SOMETIMES, vaguebooking is fun!!!

  209. Just to keep it real, I posted a link to this post on Facebook. And the only time I ever shared a photo of #Iwokeuplikethis, someone made a “There’s Something about Mary” joke. It was probably my hair.

  210. Jenny this is the funniest post I have read in a long time. I can’t believe you said the “s” word with such confidence. I do believe I am inspired. You are awesome.

  211. Don’t forget the “Copy this to your status to see who really reads it…” crap.

    Great post! 100% spot on….

    Now I’m off to watch some kitten videos…

  215. I love you. Like enough to use real words and not fakey hearts and emotidoobers.

  216. On Facebook right now I am trapped in a cycle I created myself. I was reorganizing my closet & I realized I had over 30 skirts (it’s a problem I have) so I posted abt that on FB, then coworkers called me out for wearing pants to work instead of a skirt, so I started “the summer of skirts” & have been wearing a different skirt every day & taking a picture of it for FB. I’m not sure if anyone really cares & I hate posting so many pictures of myself on FB & I’m embarrassed bc nobody wants to take my picture so they’re all selfies & I’m starting to dread wearing a skirt even though they’re my favorite but I clearly care too much abt what ppl think of me so I felt like I had to do it… long story short don’t brag online abt your extensive hoarded skirt collection or you’ll live to regret it. PS I’ve already pulled a week’s worth of skirts from my collection to donate to ppl in need, just so you know I’m not as completely self-involved as this comment makes me seem.

  217. Can you perform this same magic with a vacuum cleaner at my house?
    😉

  218. Pingback: How to make Facebook actually great again. For the first time. #IWOKEUPLIKETHIS — The Bloggess | INNOVACIONES EDUARDO RICAÑO SEPULVEDA'S BLOG

  219. I’ve become very annoyed with Facebook. I was one of the many thousands of users whose account was suddenly suspended because they did not believe I was who I was. In a panic, I did what they asked me to do and sent them a photograph of my ID with a few personal detailed vetted out. In hindsight, I should have quit right there and then. The only reason I even still have an account is for possible emergency use. But I honestly cannot really even figure out why using FB would be a last resort anyway in an emergency? I won’t even use it to promote any of my own work anymore. I’ve become very jaded with FB and feel they have little to no respect for privacy. They have a few cases working through the system in Canada right now involving potential privacy violations. They have not sent counsel to court on many of these. It is as if they have developed an arrogance complex being such a widely used platform!

    I will stick to Twitter, where I am always entertained and enlightened. Every few months I go in and change my last name to something as a way to challenge FB to come and get me. Recently it was “LagerAndAle”….. they let me keep it.

  222. Pingback: Me and My Tinas Swill Some Bath Water – The Renaissance Heart

  223. The Bloggess somehow seems to make our day with every new post!!! Okay, I have request! Please write a blog advising aspiring writers-no specific kind of writers-any kind! You know, those who like to write just because they like to write. PLEASE PLEASE PEASE PRETTY PLEASE!

  224. Your observations are spot on, and your humor simply makes my day. Thank you, Jenny!

  225. @Linda- I went through a phase where I couldn’t even watch/listen to any news because I would get physically ill. It made me feel like I was going crazy! I totally understand where you’re coming from.

  227. My brand of weird on FB–Today’s random “Also known as FB-attention-seeking-behavior” post: What is with the cornmeal dusting on pizza crust? If I want sand in my food I’ll eat at the beach. Seriously.
    For the longest time I thought the lyrics of “Margaritaville” were, “Searching for my lost ‘jigger’ and ‘saw’.” Obviously I had never had a margarita. Also, no idea what a jigger might be. Truth.
    Watching a British program when one of the characters says, “Well, blah blah, Fishcakes.” I had to google it. Who knew? Not me.
    This concludes today’s random post.
    Be well FB landia.

  228. “Video of sloth/hamster/ hedgehog in bathtub/raccoon being adorable.”
    Why is a sloth, hamster or hedgehog in a raccoon? Or maybe I don’t want to know.

  230. FB selfies are the worst, just stop & one more photo of young girls with one hand on their hips will make my head spin. Sorry had to rant!

  235. Pingback: Today’s reading: The Bloggess

  238. Am I the only person who read “Video of sloth/hamster/ hedgehog in bathtub/raccoon being adorable” and thought “why would you put any of those animals in a raccoon?? how is that adorable? is it dead? like when Han Solo killed the tauntaun and shoved Luke inside on Hoth? is that what you mean? oh my god who would do that in real life???”

  241. You forget the smug “I am blessed” posts from Facebookers who continually document their affluent lifestyles. My pet hate!

  242. This is very interesting, You’re an overly
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