It’s my 20th anniversary and all I got was poisoned.

in Random Crap

As of today, Victor and I have been married for 140 years (in dog years) and all I got was poisoned.  Victor says that’s I’m being overly-dramatic and that being poisoned was not my anniversary present and I believe him because if anything me being poisoned was his anniversary present because I’ve been unable to do anything but purge everything from my body since Saturday and that means I wasn’t able to finish my plan of surprising Victor with a herd of rented llamas in our bedroom.  (Not a sex thing.  It’s just that we don’t have carpet in the bedroom so I thought it would be easier to clean up all the llama droppings in there, plus a herd of llamas wandering in a house seems a bit watered down, but a herd of llamas in one room really makes you appreciate all the llama.)  But then everything went to shit and now we have no llamas and too much poison.  Also, Victor says that I can’t just go around saying “I WAS POISONED” like some sort of Victorian heroine when actually I just had food poisoning, but “I WAS POISONED” sounds way more interesting than “I had some bad tacos” and technically it’s still accurate.  Victor says “Fine” and I think maybe that’s my anniversary present because he never usually gives up that quickly.  Or maybe he just feels bad that my body tried to turn inside out for the past few days.  Either way, I’ll take it.

PS. I just looked up 20th anniversary wedding gifts and the suggested gifts were “a mug” or “a trip to china”, which seems pretty disparate.  Victor mentioned something about taking me to “swim with the otters” and I’m not sure if that’s a death threat or a really perfect vacation, but either way, I’m in.  After 20 years you learn to trust someone, even if they half-ass your poisoning or fail to put a bunch of llamas in the bedroom.  And really, isn’t that what love is all about?

PPS.  Thank you, Victor, for being the only person in the world who could make me laugh like this even after a hellish weekend.  I love you more than all of the otters in the world.*

20 years

*Just to clarify: I mean that I love you more than I love all of the otters in the world (which is a LOT, because you know me and otters) and not that I love you more than all of the otters in the world love you.  Although I probably do.  I don’t know.  I can’t speak for the otters.  I’m not sure why I’m clarifying this.  Sorry.  I haven’t had solid food since Saturday and I’m a little weak in the head.

224 thoughts on “It’s my 20th anniversary and all I got was poisoned.”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. Congratulations! Not on the food poisoning but on the anniversary. I wish you 20 years more of awesomeness. And maybe next year you can do the llama thing.

  6. Happy Anniversary! Jenny, you are a lovely person, and I’m so glad you have such a lovely husband too! Thank you for helping my husband understand his depression better, and thank you for showing a younger couple that years down the road we will still love each other despite all the lies of depression! Thank you! Feel better soon.

  8. Happy Anniversary! I waded into the tank with a dolphin once, there was no swimming involved by me, just the dolphin.

    Sonic poisoned me once and I lost 7 pounds. So there’s that.

  12. Swimming with otters sounds like the best freakin’ anniversary EVER!
    Happy Anniversary Jenny and Victor… y’all make the whole “love” thing believable.

  13. Awww, Congrats to a match made in heaven, or hell…probably both because marriage is not knowing someone well enough to spend the rest of your life with them, it’s loving someone just enough to want to spend the rest of your lives getting to know them😂 Many more abnormal, crazy years to one crazy, adorable and awesome couple!!😘💖 Oh yeah, feel better, Jenny!!

  14. I am glad you have had 20 years of love and mutual support and laughter in the face of stuff like poisoning and mountain lions. May you have many more years of even more joy and awesome! Thanks for sharing your life with us. 🙂

  17. Llamas are awesome and would be an amazing anniversary surprise if you got to keep them forever. Trust me. They are the best.

  18. The first time my now-husband told me he loved me, I paused then bolted to the bathroom and threw up so hard I thought my eyeballs would pop out.Food poisoning has no respect for occasion.

  23. Happy Anniversary! The beginning of July is certainly full of wedding anniversaries! You’re at least the 4th person I’ve congratulated this weekend!

  24. Happy Anniversary. I’m sorry you missed out on the llamas, but swimming with otters sounds like pretty great compensation.

  26. I think it’s actually “tripping with china or a mug,” and it symbolizes how, after 20 years (Congratulations!), you should just enjoy smashing any wedding china because you don’t have to pretend to adult or sophisticate anymore. It’s quite meaningful.

  27. My husband was in the hospital for our last anniversary and I gave him a sponge bath. I told him that was the traditional gift for 21 years. I didn’t get anything from him.

  28. Yay and congrats!!! We are going to hit 25 years married this month ourselves! I seem to remember you giving a rather epic gift to Victor for your 15th anniversary. Do you think he gave you poison (AKA bad tacos) to keep you in the bathroom and out of the stores? I smell a plot…and recycled bad tacos. Ew.

  29. Your anniverary’s July 4th? How fitting, as an important person, to have such an important occasion fall on such an important date! And if it seems like I’m flattering you in hopes that you’ll send me a leftover llama–to that I say, is it working?

  32. I swam with otters in Alaska, actually the otters swam, I was on a Seward cruise but we were near each other. I was a little tipsy because they were making us Glacieritas…margaritas made using the ice that calved off Hobart Glacier. It was awesome until I thought the otter said, ‘Hey crazy people, ya know that ice you just pulled onto your boat, chopped up and put in your drinks?…I peed on it just before you hauled it aboard…enjoy!’ Then I felt poisoned, but probably more from to many Glacieritas and seasickness and less because otter pee😂

  34. Happy Anniversary! Sorry it had to suck so bad..I’ve had some of those myself since our anniversary just happens to be one of the biggest, most overly dramatic, supposedly romantic holidays on the planet which also happens to fall during the month of February. They almost NEVER go as planned.

  35. Hey, food poisoning still has the word poison in it!

    Maybe he is just slow in killing you? I know you wrote that the night he proposed, you thought he was trying to kill you. He may just be really slow. Like it’s taking him 20 yrs to get you.

    Either way, that is some impressive gift!

    E

  36. Hiya! If you get aplacas instead of llamas, then you probably don’t have to clean up poop afterwards – alpacas have a designated poop area on their farm and rarely poop anywhere else. That’s why it’s also great to take them to schools for show and tell. Clean beasts. Also cute and cuddly. Just saying. Less poop with alpacas.

  37. Happy anniversary Jenny and Victor! We went on a trip down south for our 20th and didn’t see one damn otter or even a llama. We didn’t explore China, exchange mugs, or eat bad tacos. I feel like we did it all wrong! Maybe our 21st will be better 😊

  39. Glad to hear we’re not the only ones that want to incorporate llamas into our milestone festivities. Happy 20th anniversary you guys! May a llama shit in your house for your 21st!

  40. Congrats on the Anniversary! being married that long is a milestone indeed. I think it’s safe to say he’s not trying to kill you anymore and therefore he has earned his trust. Oh did he? Lol
    Congrats again!

  41. Happy anniversary! To think it was a post five years ago over anniversary towels that went viral and brought you into my life. So glad it did, and I’m glad you have Victor at your side. 🙂

  42. At least the llamas werent poisoned….sick herd of llamas in your bedroom.. so there’s that!

  43. blessed anniversary and best wishes for many more. i saw a youtube video once where a giant sea otter just came up and started swimming around people. i’ll admit i was a little jealous of them, but, also, the otter had big claws and teeth, so…

  45. Congratulations! You have stayed together for 20 years, and that’s a big-ass accomplishment for any person in the world, if you ask me. I mean, having someone hang around for that long, even your best girlfriend in the world, would tax the crap out of us introverts.

    By the way: Forget the llama thing – they spit. Haul some goats into the bedroom instead. I transport my goats in my minivan, so it’s much easier, trust me. Just don’t get billy goats. They stink.

  46. Happy Anniversary to a wonderful couple! You guys compliment each other so well. If you do go to swim with the otters, I will be so jealous. Hope you feel better soon. Victor, my husband wants you to know that he empathizes with you. Love to you both.

  47. Happy Anniversary you two!!!! 🎆🎊🎉🇱🇷🎉🎊🎆🎊🎉🇱🇷🎉🎊🎆

  49. Yay for 20 years of laughter and love. Sending you and Victor tons of good wishes for good health, llamas, and swimming with otters.

  50. Happy 20th Anniversary! Swimming with the otters sounds more fun than swimming with dolphins, or sharks. Otters are cuddly looking.

    Love the pictures of you and Victor.

  51. Still puzzling over pronunciation, as I’m under the impression llmas are from South America. Is it, “LAH-mah” or “YA-mah,” as in, Me llamo Denise…or it could be a variation of lame-oh! Those 5 years of Spanish really made a difference in mi vida.

  53. Sounds like missing the llamas was a good thing, given the amount of shit you were already having to deal with.

    And, in keeping with the ‘shit’ line of thought, if it makes you feel ANY better, I had a 3 yo poop in a snowblower this weekend.

    Yes, it’s July, and summer in Canada.

    Yes, poop in a snowblower.

  54. Feel better soon! Though otters might be poisonous, or at least their urine is, I think. I’m only basing that on a second-hand quote from Mark Twain through Heinlein, about writing: “I simply exude the stuff as, in the words of my colleague Sam, ‘as the otter exudes the precious ottar of roses.'” Just be careful swimming with them.

  55. Pingback: It’s my 20th anniversary and all I got was poisoned. — The Bloggess – Depression Lies

  56. LOVE this. So awesome to see you laugh and smile.
    Happy Anniversary Happy Anniversary Happy Anniversary Haaaaaapy Anniversary
    Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Anniversary
    Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Anniversary Ohhhhhhhhhhh
    Happy Anniversary Happy Anniversary Happy Anniversary Haaaaaaapy Anniversary

  60. I have nothing but love and good wishes for you and Victor. Happy anniversary! May the rest of them be poison-free!

  62. Happy anniversary you guys! I think you can say you were poisoned. I was totally poisoned by some nachos once, followed by some serious projectile vomiting and The Excorcist head spins.

  63. Happy Anniversary Jenny and Victor. I needed this chuckle today, although I’m sorry it comes at the expense of your upchuck reflex. Hope you’ll be feeling better and keeping things down again soon. <3

  64. Happy Anniversary! Glad you lived
    Through it what with the being poisoned and all😂

  65. Happy 20th anniversary! Sorry you got poisoned and all. Hope you are feeling much better now. Best wishes for many more happy years together! My husband and I will be celebrating our 20th anniversary in a month! I sure hope I get something better than food poisoning! Of course my husband is the worst gift giver so it could go either way.

  66. What is it with food poisoning and stomach bugs with special occasions? You would think you would get some sort of special dispensation but no. My mother’s day was covered in vomit from three kids with the stomach bug so I know how you feel. Happy anniversary and feel better.

  67. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!! We heart you muchly, too, Victor! Although I would have thoroughly enjoyed the antics of the herd of llamas, I can empathize with your relief that it did not come to pass. And I can feel your pain, Jenny, that so much else did. Poisoning: happened on my honeymoon. Although in my case, it was merely a sign of things to come… ;-D

  68. Happy Anniversary! This September will mark my 21st wedding anniversary. And I can proudly declare that Kevin hasn’t poisoned me, yet. But I have been poisoned in the past. In my case, it was a fast food hamburger when I was just 10 years old, and I haven’t been able to eat a fast food burger since. I’d comment further, but I think I feel a blog entry coming on. Hope you feel better soon!

  69. In our house “a trip to China” is code for “I’ve got serious business to conduct in the bathroom, you probably want to steer clear.” Sounds like you got the appropriate 20th anniversary gift after all! I hope you’re feeling better!

  70. Swimming with the otters is okay. It’s when he says you’ll sleep with the fishes that you’re screwed. Take it from me. NEVER let them know exactly how much life insurance you have, otherwise you’ll spend your life sleeping with one eye open.

    Happy anniversary! I thought the 20th was the Marvel Superhero Party anniversary. Hallmark screwed up or something.

  72. I am pretty sure this warrants a T-shirt in your gift shop that reads, “My husband and I were married for 20 years, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt… and poisoned… I also totally got poisoned.”
    Please do this.
    Thank you.
    (Also, are there llama sex things? Like, is that a real fetish? Google will know, right?)

  76. I had salmonella once. Not from salmon, but from chicken, which seems counter-intuitive. It was definitely like being poisoned. Now, I wear vinyl gloves whenever I handle raw meat, like a surgeon, only I get to drink alcohol while I’m operating.

  77. Happy anniversary to you both! Your happiness is inspiring and infectious…hopefully your food poisoning isn’t.

  78. Happiest of anniversaries to you – although it sounds a bit late for me to be asking for the “happiest” part – although you both DO look quite happy and in love, which is just lovely to see!! <3 Thinking of scads of happy little otters swimming around now, so thanks for that 🙂

  79. Happy Anniversary to you both, and I hope you feel better soon.
    You may wish to rethink the llamas. It might get a bit warm with them all sharing your bedroom, and I hear they are real arses about helping with the housework.

  81. Feel better and have a happy anniversary! Otters are cute too!

  82. Wishing you at least twenty more-
    Anniversaries, that is, not otters. Or llamas. But hey, whatever floats your boat. I’m not judging. Well, I am, but silently, like the cats.

  83. Happy anniversary Jenny and Victor and enjoy the swim. You could bareback ride llamas into a lake and then swim.

  84. Except Butch Otter, who is the governor of Idaho. He’s an asshole.

  85. Happy Anniversary Victor & Jenny!
    Wishing you many more,
    Molly

    PS. Many more anniversaries, not poisonings.

  86. Swimming with otters sounds fantastic but you might want to work your way up to them. Swim with some gentler fraidy cat creatures first like manatees and beluga whales.

  87. Hey, my guy and I have our 14th anniversary tomorrow! The first 5 days of July are packed with some awesome people’s anniversaries: a few close friends, you two, Peter Capaldi and Elaine Collins…good company, good company, poisoned or not. Hugs!

  88. I’ve got joy in my heart for you! (Way to make this comment all about me!)

  89. Firstly, mazel tov, you crazy kids, and may the next 20 years be even better than the first 20! Secondly, I’m so sorry you’ve been out of every possible orifice all weekend, but here’s a handy tip from Mama Hen Robin: get your handy bottle of apple cider vinegar (if you don’t have one, send Victor out for some ASAP) and add 1-2 teaspoons to a glass (10 oz. or so) of nice cool water. Take a couple of sips, and put the rest back in the fridge, or leave it on the counter, whichever way works for you. Go back in 30 minutes and have another sip or 2. Keep doing this until the glass is empty, and then repeat. By this time you should be feeling a hell of a lot better, and can eventually start eating small, easily digested meals (try the BRAT diet–bananas, rice, applesauce, and toast), but don’t rush yourself. The vinegar helps kill whatever’s ailing you; taking it in dilute form helps you get it down, and doing it in small doses slowly helps you KEEP it down. It’s an old Vermont folk medicine remedy, and while I may be from NH and currently living in Massachusetts, it still works just fine. (You can also gargle and swallow it if you think you have strep throat, too., and supposedly drinking a glass of vinegar water before meals will help you lose weight, but I haven’t done that long enough to find out; Topamax seems to be working well enough for that right now. Also, the vinegar water w/a good-sized spoonful of honey added is supposed to help you sleep AND be good for bedwetting, although I don’t recall you ever mentioning that last one being a problem…) Thirdly: llamas are big and can be rather mean and very spitty (my friend Pauline, who also met you in Cambridge last fall, used to own some), and goats can scream just like women only more so; I’m thinking you and Victor both ought to do the “swimming with otters” bit, and never mind bringing strange animals home this year. Remember, there’s always next year, when your marriage will finally be old enough to drink…

  90. I too have been on the food poisoning bandwagon this weekend. But, as all the cool kids are doing it for your anniversary, I guess that makes me more hip?? Also, this first pic in your montage reminds me of your ‘cataflage’ picture, only with less cats and more Victor. Happy Anniversary!

  91. I’m so happy to know that after 20 years, you and Victor share the same dysfunctional love you did 20 years ago. Also, I’m reminded of when you took the Ex-Lax and purged. Deja Pooh?

  92. Happy Anniversary. Your marriage seems like one of the few that I could tolerate being a part of. That didn’t come out right.
    What I meant was – if I were to get married, I would want to marry a Victor. Not your Victor, obviously. Just A Victor, similar but not the same.
    You know… Maybe I should have just stuck to the first two words of this comment.

  93. I loved the photos! Victor doesn’t look anything like the Victor I have in my head. He’s still a good Victor though. I always welcome a little food poisoning once in a while- it’s always good for a few pounds….

  94. But you could still be his heroin, even if he refuses to acknowledge your heroine status.

  95. Otters are cute, but they are members of the weasel family, so I am not sure that I would want to risk swimming with them. OTOH, dolphins have been known to try to have sex with female humans, so by comparison, otters may not be that bad.

  96. If there was a Victor Talking Doll (TM), “You’re being overly dramatic” is definitely one of the things it would say when you pulled the string.

  97. Happy Anniversary! I feel for you, my stomach tried to climb up my neck yesterday, but I seem to have recovered quickly and was able to eat solid food yesterday. Feel better soon, and enjoy the llamas. Or otters. Whichever.

  98. Happy Anniversary! It’s my anniversary, too – 23 years. I got food poisoning on my honeymoon and I don’t think I have ever been so sick. He got a quick taste of married life holding the trash can for me while I threw up.

  99. Oh, man. You two. I am envious and trying not to be bitter. Not to rain on your otter anniversary parade, but my husband is leaving me after only 7 years together, and he still loves me. It’s really complicated and I’m really sad. But- your story gives me hope for finding my own Victor someday.
    Happy otterversary. <3

  101. It’s my 20th anniversary with The Lusty Woodsman….no poisonings happened, and sadly, no trip to the zoo either. I suppose I can spend the exorbitant entrance fees on some fancy wines and beers. I have plenty of animal kingdom right here with The Moose. May you have many more poison-free anniversaries, sweets!

  102. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen a pic of Vic before! No, I’m sure he doesn’t appreciate his name being shortened, but I was trying to rhyme cute there. FAIL.

    I’m so glad you’re going to get to swim with the otters! That’s AWESOME!

  103. Happy 20 years of double talk, double take, and double duty, depending on who was doing the poisoning…
    At least there wasn’t a sticky note trail of evidence.

  104. Happy Anniversary to you and your significant otter, Jenny. If you and Victor do swim with the otters, make sure you an he hold hands like they do.

  105. Happy Anniversary! And God bless both of you…and Hailey and the cats and the dog and the otters.

  106. Happy anniversary!!!! My husband and I got food poisoning at breakfast the day of our wedding. I was worried he was going to projectile vomit on my during the ceremony.

  107. I’m guessing that the Wikipedia staff is already getting tired of seeing “Food Poisoning” as the gift for 20th wedding anniversaries.

  111. Happy Anniversary! We just celebrated 22 years this weekend. July is a good month for weddings

  112. My husband just very quietly, seriously and solemnly said, “Victor finally went and did it”. Because he’s got a wife very similar to you, Jenny 🙂 He GETS Victor.

  113. Victor should definitely hold out for the trip to China. A mug!? I mean, honestly. Hope you feel better though, and maybe question the cats about their whereabouts Friday/Saturday…

  114. Happy Anniversary! Sorry you were so sick. I read it as “swim with the others” and thought,( I don’t know if people quote their thoughts, but this is that) “wow, after all this time I’d think Victor would know that is a horrible present for Jenny, I went to her pant free book launch party but hey, I’m divorced, and she’s going with it, and feeling the love, and so I will too! Jenny is so amazing.” Then I read the P.S. and confirmed that Victor and I know you as well as I thought we did. I’m sorry about the llamas. If you’ve never seen “llamas with hats” I recommend it.

  115. Haven’t you guys been threatening to poison each other for years? Seriously, you should be celebrating that it’s taken this long to find that one thing in the fridge….

  116. I want to know how the traditional gift of china gets to be a trip to China? And why buy someone china? Honestly if I was married for 20 years and all I got was dishes, I’d be pissed. Or picture frames. That’s just weird.
    A trip is a better gift. I also like the modern suggestion of platinum with emeralds. Hold out for that. Esp since you’ve been poisoned. Poisoned by tacos. That’s a good book title, if you write mysteries.

  117. Happy anniversary 🙂 I tend to think in terms of how long we have put up with each other for, rather than how long we’ve been married for 🙂

  118. How about an “otters that look like Victor” collage? You know, like the Benedict Cumberbatch ones. That could be your replacement anniversary gift, instead of the llamas. And you don’t even have to clean up after them.

  121. Hey, at least you get an anniversary gift. Our 39th is coming soon and I’m not expecting anything. Just his love and maybe sex.

  122. Firstly, congrats on making it through 20 years of marriage! Based on your totally objective and uncensored accounts of Victors idiosyncrasies, you obviously are shooting for a career in “sainting.” Nextly, it’s not animalically correct to force llamas and otters into the same post (because of the recent otter-llama hostilities of course). And last, thanks for once again reminding me that poisoning is funny (and a perfectly reasonable gift choice for that tuff to please someone who already has all the right stuff😝)

  124. Happy Anniversary! We celebrated our 43rd last month. Luckily no food poisoning was involved! Jen

  125. Happy 20th Anniversary! As for the food poisoning…awww.. that’s not fun at all. You know what they say… It’s all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits. 😉 I have one of those moments that is forever stained in my memory. NYE 2014 Portland Taco Del Mar.. I broke my main eating out rule and had meat… not only meat, but ground meat, at a taco place.

  126. Happy Anniversary! I too have someone who means more to me than otters and we will be celebrating our 23d this year! I’m really sorry about the food poisoning though. That really makes it hard to celebrate. I hope you can postpone all of the otter and llama related festivities until you feel better. ((hugs))

  129. Happy Congratulations! 20 years is a good long time. Or a long good time. You’ll figure it out. Also awesome to see Mr. Bloggess. Sorry you were poisoned.

  130. Me: Happy Anniversary to you and Victor from your also-real-life counterparts (because if I just said “your real-life counterparts” then it would imply that you and Victor had some kind of fake life and also that your 20th Anniversary Llamaless Poisoning was all an act, and who the hell would script something like that because, like … WORST SITCOM EVER) Heather & Doug.

    Doug: Stop talking.

    Me: SEE??!!??

  132. Hmm…in my college days, we called it the porcelain throne, not China…. Sorry you had such a long trip. Hugs to your bruised guts.

  133. I’m just going to say, food poisoning is the wussy way to lose weight over a holiday weekend. And I know he’s going to make it up to you as soon as you can keep things down, in, and around. That man loves you to distraction.

  134. Happy anniversary! You two are adorable and made for each other. It gives me hope that there is someone out there who has a crazy to match my crazy. 😉

  135. lol, today is my 19th, but since my last name is Fried, I just say I got “freed” (how it’s pronounced) on independence day

  137. Happy 20th Anniversary! I don’t have llamas or otters but much love and best wishes.

  138. Llamas were a great idea! I got food poisoning at an Amish place in PA once. I called it Amish Revenge. Happy anniversary!

  139. Happy anniversary you crazy kids! I hope there’s a zillion more, full of otters, sloths, hedgehogs, and other fun creatures!!! 🦄🦄

  140. These words are really tiny and I had to read it several times cause I thought you meant the mug or China trip were desperate presents. And I was agreeing that they were.

    Congrats on the anniversary. Y’all look happy together!

  141. Happy Anniversary Jen & Victor (this is what happens when you marry your best friend, eh?)

  142. Happy anniversary Jenny and Victor! It’s wonderful that you both found soneone that gets you ❤️

  143. Happy Anniversary! I went for Chinese food today, and I now have food poisoning, so I feel for you. I’m left wondering why you want more animals in your bedroom, though, as it seems like you already have plenty. Lol

  144. Twenty years is pretty epic, considering what you two have to accomplish in the understanding department. Hope you have many more animals and anniversaries and lots of swimming with anyone you want. My hubby and I have been married 47 years and I told my kids to start saving now because 50 is going to a really big party if we make it. You’re definitely invited! Oh wait, it’s going to be a surprise so don’t tell anyone I know.

  145. Happy Anniversary! You two are amazing. Maybe Victor csn write a book for all of our husbands. May you two have many more years of fun.

  146. You have my sincerest sympathies. I got food poisoning twenty years ago from a seafood dish I ordered in a restaurant. It was the worst three days of my life. Up to that point, I hadn’t realized there was any sensation worse than pain. 🙁

  147. So we share a birthday AND an anniversary? My awesomeness is heightened by your awesomeness. I would not like to share th poisoning though.

  149. I got ptomaine in Twin Falls and wasn’t celebrating anything (except soda crackers the next day with a 7 Up chaser)

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

  151. Love means never having to say you’re poisoned.

    I think that’s what the line from the movie was.

    Anyway, happy anniversary. The wife and I have been married for 259 dog years. Keep being just as crazy to each other and you’ll make it many more. It’s worked for us.

  153. Holy shit you guys (stolen phrase you used in politics and prose lecture :D), you are an archetype for couples! Ups and downs, but remain solid. Send you best wishes. Love from Mexico.
    Ps: My mom bought me your book (furiously happy) but since I didn’t find it in spanish I had to do it in english. My mom watch me laugh at times from reading your hilarious lines but she cant because she doesn’t understand english. Hope you release an ebook in spanish. Anyhow, best wishes!

  154. 20 years, and all I can think, is that means Beyonce is 6 years old.

  155. I’ve wondered what Victor looks like, so thank you for the pix, & I’m mystified by his utter devotion to you. I mean, under the circumstances & all. Quite a joyful thing to see you looking like such a happy bunny 🙂 .

  156. Happy Anniversary. Thank you for he mental picture of all the otters in the world. A sea of floating otters side by side. It is a happy picture 🙂

  158. All the otters in the world might love Victor as much as you do… you don’t know. Happy Anniversary to the craziest, most interesting and, apparently, most perfectly matched twosome!

  159. Happy anniversary! Better yet, happy next twenty years together of celebrating love and laughter and the potential for llamas, but definitely not food poisoning. (I got rather lucky in love too, I’ve gotta say, but my life has never offered swimming with otters as consolation for untimely food poisoning. Maybe because we’re only coming up on our 15th wedding anniversary.)

  160. Happy anniversary, you two. Tell Victor for me that I think (not that it matters to either of you, but still) that he looks much better without the facial hair. He’s pretty awesome to have picked and stuck with you for 20 years. You’re pretty awesome to have given depression the finger and stuck with us for your whole life. This is what makes you a great couple.

  161. Yeah, the 20th is supposed to be either China or Platinum and not Poison Though we could start a new tradition right here and now. Mild poisonings for all! (PS Please do not put me on a list for that joke)

  162. Hey! for my 20th anniversary, I kicked the bum out and filed for divorce!!! LOL! REALLY the best present EVER!!

  165. My friend at the zoo told me I couldn’t have an otter encounter because they are too bitey but I pointed out that I wouldn’t mind coz I am also bitey. No dice. So I hope u get ur otter moment…

  166. OMG! I got food poisoning on MY anniversary too! With the added bonus of being pregnant, so when I barfed hard I peed a little, and I was scared it was amniotic fluid. Had to have a few advice nurse convos about that, ended up at the ob/gyn, and turns out they just actually don’t test for that in real life. You win though. Because llamas.

  167. Too funny. Couldn’t stop cracking up.

  169. Happy anniversary! May you have all the otters in the world, and more. Or something. <3

  172. My favorite-ever photographs are candids capturing a moment of pure happiness or genuine laughter. Your anniversary photo array here is beautiful. Happy 140th to you! How many is that in otter years?

  174. I can’t stop focusing on that fact that you had food poisoning and I feel for you!! 🙁 So glad you feel better.

  176. Happy anniversary. I’m just tickled to see Victor laughing. It’s nice to know he’s got a sense of humor.
    And you are a Victorian heroine. You’re married to Victor after all.

  177. We bring in llamas indoors where I work and they wear llama diapers, so no mess.

  178. Happy anniversary! 20 years is long enough to know you made the right choice, and short enough to know there are still many days ahead. <3 Hope you feel better, and are able to throw Victor under the bus properly soon.

  181. Happy Anniversary — Since 20-year gift is otters, my gift to you is the new Kindle edition of a book where otters are a key plot point. Otters and moose in science fiction…isn’t that a glorious combination? I’d buy it for you if I could, but instead I’ll send the link. That feels a little less stalkerish.
    And besides, this way it becomes a gift to the bloggessphere as well.
    https://smile.amazon.com/Mirabile-Janet-Kagan-ebook/dp/B01EYZVJAQ/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1467730758&sr=8-1&keywords=mirabile+kindle#navbar

    Worth so much more than $3.82.

  182. And OH MY GOODNESS — On a hunch I googled “BIG METAL OTTER” and got two hits! TWO!

    I think your next family roadtrip may need to visit Minnesota. http://www.roadsideamerica.com/story/2713
    http://www.roadsideamerica.com/tip/31705

    But then i thought this is Beyonce’s younger sibling and searched on “otter statue” in amazon and oh boy if I had a swimming pool I’d be asking for an otter sculpture to perch on the side of my pool. Don’t tell Victor where to find me if I spoiled his surprise.

  184. Happy Anniversary! Don’t worry about the llamas. I’ve known a few and they spit. A lot.

  185. havent looked at internet in 2 weeks..had a MASSIVE MANIC INSANE NERVOUS HALLUCINATED BREAKDOWN..fighting it out..thanks for blog..reactivate twitter soon (dave..mutilatedwave/runninginterror) ..yall look so cute. glad was amazing. hope your day is fantastic.

  188. I’ve been married twice as long and didn’t get poisoned once. I’m jealous!

  190. Happy anniversary! I’m selfishly glad you are feeling better because I can’t wait to see you here in Des Moines Thursday!! And … food poisoning and the related purge totally sucks!

  191. Happy anniversary to you!
    For my first year wedding anniversary with my husband, I am hoping for corn dogs. Lots and lots of corn dogs.

  192. AWWW! Victor’s almost as cute as Hunter and Ferris.
    Also, llamas HURL, so a herd of non-vomitous animals would be preferable. Earthworms maybe?
    Meowmeowmeow

  193. I don’t remember how we got on the subject of poison this weekend, but I mentioned to my friends that I have one of your wonderful magnets that says, “I’ve poisoned something in the refrigerator. Good luck with that.” and one of my friends replied, “Joke’s on you. I could live off the food in the freezer for months.”
    I had to share, because it was a really good response. 🙂

  194. I went all the way to China and all I got was this awesome mug! ‘Cause why would you bring back a lousy one? Congrats on your anniversary. I hope you can now hold down solid food.

  195. I got food poisoning once. I actually thought I was DYING. I thought I needed to go to ER, but there was no way i could get myself there (single mom problems). I ended up sleeping on the bathroom floor because I just couldn’t get up again. Last turkey burger I ever ate..
    Happy Anniversary to you and Victor

  196. Happy anniversary! I’m actually coming up on my 25th the end of the month, so I might borrow some of these ideas. Except for the poisoning.

  197. Happy Anniversary! Great to see you both looking so happy.

  198. Happy anniversary! This year for our 11th anniversary out kids have is a raging stomach flu. Oddly enough it was a bonding weekend lounging around by the tv eating nothing but freezies.

  199. Happy anniversary!

    Seems like you cou;ld have the mug and the trip to China. I mean, there’s nothing about one that prevents the other. If you went to China and then he said, “Oh yeah, and I got you this mug” while you were actually in China, it would add to the experience a little, but not in an unforeseeable way.

    Although I guess if he got you the mug and while you drinking from it said “Oh, and I got you a trip to China, too,” that might be a little weird.

  200. Hmmm, I was recently poisoned on my anniversary too. I hope this isn’t becoming a new trend. Glad you are feeling better!

  203. Your second book is BETTER THAN YOUR FIRST…Just finished it. And by the way
    HAPPY ANNIVERSALLAMADAY.

  204. Happy Anniversary! You and Victor are adorable. I would rather look at your photo collage than watch otters. Today. Tomorrow, the otters may win out. I can’t promise anything.

  205. I love your otter clarification almost as much as your pointing out that the llamas are not a sex thing. You’re the best. Happy belated anniversary!

  207. Yikes! I got food poisoning on my honeymoon. We’re still married, because really how much worse could it get? 23 years and counting!

  208. Had a really bad day and as usual, you made me laugh. Thanks for the gift of you. You rock~

  210. Happy Anniversary. My husband was going to clean the bathroom for me after our (?27th?) anniversary dinner a few years ago because I got very very very sick, “south, then north”, and I was yelling and crying in between hurling etc, … but once he saw the bathroom, he said, “What happened in here? I can’t … (blech).” It took toothpicks to get it all out of the floor cracks. I gave the new shoes to Goodwill (sorry) and threw the pants away. I think I died.

  211. But do you love him more than all of the Koala’s in the world???

    Happy Anniversary – that is a wonderful event. May you and Victor have many more blessed anniversaries.

  212. I’m a little late but happy anniversary to both of you! Thanks to you, and by proxy, Victor, I recently celebrated my 13th anniversary.

  213. Just read your book: Let’s Pretend This Never Happened. All my friends from other states (and countries – don’t ask*) were raving. I read and was like… how is this not like every day life? I read it out loud to my wife the second time through. We love your pea pickin’ heart. To Victor: Stay strong, man!

    *Other countries meaning one person in Canada. I said don’t ask.

    p.s. That person is probably one of the most awesome people I know.

  214. Since you didn’t get to do the llamaversary, can I steal the idea? I’ve got a few years before 20, so plenty of time to plan a plethora of llama-y goodness, and I can’t imagine that my husband won’t appreciate a herd of llamas packed into our house.

    At the very least, he’ll stop complaining about all the other animals I keep dragging in, right?

  215. Honestly? I loved the pictures of you two for their awesome snuggliness, but the thing I most noticed was that you have really good teeth. Despite the vomit. Well done, you!

  216. Pingback: It’s my 20th anniversary and all I got was poisoned. | Almost Rational

  217. My gosh you make me laugh my ass off! (If that were only a for for-real non-invasive cosmetic procedure, but I’ll take it!) Laughter is the best and you bring it! Thanks for what you do girl.

  220. Swimming with otters sounds like a dream come true,…..but if I have to endure food poisoning first I don’t think I want the dream anymore.

  221. At least you made it past your second twelfth anaverseary (victor probably thought he’d be doomed on the second twelfth anaverseary)(please don’t judge my spelling I’m only 9)

  222. Happy anniversary! My husband and I celebrated our 20th this year by taking a trip without the kids…which we have never done before. We went to Chicago, and if you ever happen to find yourself there on a book tour or whatever, I want you to know there is a restaurant where you can eat in THE LIBRARY! The place is The Gilt Bar and if you ask to be seated in the library, they will lead you down a dark stairwell, and a dark corridor, through a door that doesn’t look like it’s a door, and into what appears to be a 1920’s speak-easy. It was my favorite part of the trip. (But only because I wasn’t poisoned for my anniversary.)

  223. Oh man, i was food poisoned once, it´s terrible…. I was sick for 3 days!!!
    I´m sorry to hear that…Congratulations for your birthday and i holp you are ok!!!.
    X.O.

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It\'s like I\'m stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

Discover more from The Bloggess

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading