That’s how you get an infection.

Last week I saw a bunch of birds building a nest inside the sign of the liquor store, and the birds were so bad at building their nest that things were falling out of it and hitting passersby so I went in and told the cashier, “Hey, there’s a bunch of shit in your P hole,” because there totally was.

I know it's hard to see, but I assure you, that P hole is filled with birds.

I know it’s hard to see, but I assure you, that P hole is filled with birds.

And she just kind of stared at me and so I clarified and said, “I mean, not actual shit.  Birds.  There are a bunch of birds in your P hole.”  Then Victor was like, “Jesus, Jenny.  Phrasing” and I then realized how that sounded so I was like, “Oh.  Sorry!  Not YOUR P hole.  I’m sure your P hole is fine.  I mean the store’s P hole.  Shit’s falling out of it and someone’s going to get hurt.”  And she still just stared at me and I tried to explain that I was talking about the inside of the P hole on the sign outside but she still didn’t get it so I decided to just leave and that’s why we can’t go back to that liquor store anymore.

PS.  Yesterday I saw this on the side of a building:

Screen Shot 2016-08-19 at 12.13.45 PM

…and I was like, “Somebody should tell them that they’ve got a bunch of shit in their A holes” but Victor wouldn’t let me go inside to tell them because apparently he hates America or something.

154 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I AM RELATING SO HARD. This is why my husband doesn’t like to run errands with me.

    Liked by 1 person

    actualconversationswithmyhusband recently posted Accidentally Friday.

  2. Thank you for the much-needed afternoon laugh. You are my favorite.❤

    Liked by 5 people

  3. LOL! you are so fun!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hahaha! But that shit IS dangerous. Birds built a nest in our light hole and when we turned the light on, it started a fire.

    Liked by 3 people

    Half a 1000 Miles recently posted Oh How I Miss Your Hardness *sigh*.

  5. BWWAAAAHHHHLOL good one

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You are hysterical ;-D Reminds me that there is an “I” in TEAM—-in the a hole!

    Like

  7. Thank you, Jenny. I really needed that laugh today!

    Like

  8. Victor is a patient man

    Liked by 1 person

  9. That’s why it’s important to put those little spikes inside your P holes and A holes.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. It’s all fun and games until your holes get shit in them.

    Liked by 5 people

    The Lady Gnome recently posted Ode to School Days.

  11. I needed a Friday giggle – thanks!

    Like

  12. Hahahaha! You’re fabulous!

    Like

  13. There is similar shit in the A-hole of the Joseph A Banks store in Evanston, IL

    Like

  14. 14
    XStacy Design

    Nicely done m’lady – nicely done!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. If I were a bird, I’d choose the A-hole over the P-hole. It’s so much more secure for the eggs in the A-hole.

    Liked by 2 people

    jwgoodman recently posted Just Do It.

  16. Honestly, you should send this to Spec’s and tell them they need to check all their P holes. It’s a public service. You deserve a gift card or something.

    Liked by 2 people

    Chuck Baudelaire recently posted Moments.

  17. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I can’t stop laughing. I think you’re phrasing was EXCELLENT. Victor just doesn’t appreciate it.

    Liked by 2 people

  18. It’s probably the baby birds that are kicking stuff out. Kids have no respect for their parents’ property. They tend to wreck stuff.

    Liked by 1 person

    becomingcliche recently posted My Parenting Philosophy in Three Words.

  19. You are fantastic🙂

    Like

  20. 21
    Cheryl witherell.

    Thanks for the laugh

    Like

  21. Hilarious!

    Like

    lifevivified recently posted Embracing Change and Growth.

  22. 23
    PibbityBibbity

    My god how I love you.

    Like

  23. This is why you’re so admirable. If it had been me I wouldn’t have said anything. I would have assumed they knew they had shit in their P-holes or A-holes. Or I would have been uncomfortable about telling them.
    Because I am a terrible person.

    Like

    Christopher recently posted Entrances, Exits, and Errors..

  24. I’m dying. Too funny.

    Like

    Ladybug recently posted A Musical Interlude.

  25. Just trying to make the world a better place.🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  26. Thank you! This just made me laugh so hard I nearly peed my pants. I needed this! LOL!

    Like

  27. 28
    veganbeachbody

    LOL. Well, that makes for a much more interesting conversation, Victor!

    Like

    veganbeachbody recently posted #8. Female nomad, running alone.

  28. Thanks for the giggle. I really needed to laugh today🙂

    Like

  29. Thank you!! I’m having a shitty week – I really needed to giggle at P and A holes!

    Like

  30. Jenny Lawson. You. You should be bronzed. Because you are so hilarious. And you owe me a new keyboard. Because I spit coffee on it. From laughing. Not from my P hole….

    Like

  31. The birds are sending you a message – we’ve got P A. What’s next?

    Like

    Kara recently posted The Dollyrots – New Album Behind the Scenes.

  32. This was hilarious! Thank you for the great mood🙂

    http://somebodyfromsomewhere.me/

    Like

  33. Brilliant!

    Like

    Nomads By Nature recently posted Buy A Donkey – Thank you very much.

  34. no, YOURE choking on your lunch with laughter

    Like

  35. I think your blog needs to come with a bladder warning scale. Like a 1 is “you’re going to need to pee after reading this”, and 5 is “you should probably put on adult diapers first.” I could have used the warning.😉

    Liked by 3 people

  36. LMAO! Thanks, Jenny. I needed that.

    Like

  37. Who’s holes are these bids going to put shit in next?

    Like

    nerril recently posted Wear Heelys to escape your Feelys.

  38. I really really wish I had been in line standing next to you when this conversation took place. Hope the birds are able to build a comfortable nest. I stress about some of these friggin Eagles nests I see on tops of poles in the great wide open worrying they might blow off in heavy winds!!! Stressful.

    Have a great weekend to you, family and all your readers🙂
    @WriterDann

    Like

    Dann Alexander recently posted Tell Cancer to Go Suck a Lemon.

  39. I just shared this post with my mother, and the following ensued:

    Mom: LOLOLOL – laughing so hard the tears are running down my leg . . .

    Me: Those aren’t tears in your P hole, mom.

    Liked by 1 person

  40. 41
    scrappymags

    Bwahahahaha!! 😂😂

    Like

  41. I love you. This is awesome. xoxo

    Like

  42. Read this on the heels of my husband’s account of a former co-worker, named Dick, who married an actual ho, and then died the day the marriage was to be annulled. She got everything.

    Lessons of the day: Keep your P-hole and your A-hole clean, and don’t be a Dick.

    Best. Friday. Ever.

    Liked by 1 person

    OwnLessDoMore.us recently posted If Medina Lake seems low again, it’s because a lot of it went up my nose.

  43. Spec’s should totally let you be in their commercials. Or at least allow you to do a public service announcement.

    I wonder if a Brazilian would take care of that scruff around the P and A holes or if they could get by with just a little trim…

    Liked by 1 person

  44. FRONT TO BACK, PEOPLE. Know it. Learn it. Live it.

    Liked by 1 person

    RachRiot recently posted You Need What, When?!.

  45. Someone please! Go in search of a store that has these 2 letters: P, Q
    Add birds.
    Then we can tell them to mind their Ps & Qs!
    (What, not as funny as Jenny? Yeah well even my daughter has told me that. “Don’t tell jokes, mommy, they’re not funny.” She was 6.)

    Liked by 1 person

  46. They blocked me on Twitter just for saying they were low for tweeting that a local Brewery was going out of business when they weren’t. If you tell them they have shit in their P-hole, they’ll block you for sure! I have a feeling their social media person is a p-hole blocker. Or an a-hole blocker. Same thing.

    Like

  47. This is the blog post of the year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Like

  48. I remember a TV ad for donut holes where they had plates labeled A and B and asked people which tasted better, A-holes or B-holes. I wondered how it got to stay on the air as long as it did.

    Like

    Janet Coburn recently posted Why Are YA Dystopias So Popular?.

  49. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    Like

  50. I guarantee that this is not even close to the weirdest thing she has ever heard. And on the off hand, if it is, cheer up! You probably convinced someone to either quit drinking or go back to school to get a new job.

    Like

  51. I’m formatting voters pamphlets today, and this was the exact counterbalance I needed.

    Like

  52. Does Victor have a brother?

    Like

  53. I mean, sure, you COULD say, “Birds have built nests in the sign on your building, and now debris is falling on people below.” But where’s the fun in that?

    Like

  54. Shit in their a-holes. I can’t stop laughing.

    Like

  55. 56
    pepethefreak

    BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    Like

  56. This is just one more reason why we’re friends in my head.

    Like

  57. Be thankful that there aren’t eagles, hawks, or herons nesting in that p hole. Their young back their a holes over the side of their nests and send projectile poop streaming as far as 12 feet away. Pretty impressive really…

    Liked by 1 person

  58. 60
    herbertleslie

    I’m now obsessed with looking for shitholes in signs……….

    Like

  59. Jenny, You are making America beautiful again, one dirty a-hole at a time.

    Liked by 1 person

  60. Oh. My. God. I am laughing so hard right now

    Like

  61. We need to build a wall, keep these birds out of our “p” holes and “a” holes.

    Liked by 1 person

    digbydigz recently posted How to Rewrite a Novel: Step Four.

  62. Jesus, Jenny, I love you so much.

    Like

  63. I want to go shopping with you. It sounds much more fun than my usual routine:).

    Liked by 1 person

    candidkay recently posted Are we so very fragile?.

  64. Amazing!!! This was just amazing thank you I needed that 😃😃😃😃

    Like

  65. Victor has my sympathies.

    Like

  66. Poor Victor! Thanks for the good chuckle. My mom & step-dad were banned from our local TJMaxx store for their snarky comments about the items for sale. Of course being theater people, they were loud, projected and were very funny. But still asked to leave.

    Liked by 1 person

  67. Oh, thank you baby Zeus, this isn’t just me! The P key on my computer quit working this week and I went to our IT guy & said, “My computer won’t P.” He just stared at me and then said, “I think you’re confused on how computers work.” Then I stared at him for a minute, because I couldn’t figure out what the eff he was talking about. My head just kept saying, “OF COURSE the P key should work on a computer! And, you shoukd know this! You’re in IT!”‘

    We got it figured out & the good news (?) is I think he now better understands how my brain works!

    Liked by 1 person

    Valerie recently posted To the Edge of a Precipice and Back.

  68. They should have built a little higher, because you could have told her she had birds in her C-pocket. Nice roomy C-pocket it is, too.

    Like

  69. Maybe you need to send a gift basket with a catheter and enema so they can take care of that. And now I’m going through the alphabet for more fun holes… B, D, O, Q…

    Like

    Andrea G recently posted I Have Not Been Productive All Day, But It’s So Not My Fault.

  70. Not quite the same, but I just made a zucchini bread recipe with the eight ball squash I have growing in the back yard. That’s too much of a mouthful, so I just asked who wants Ball Bread.

    Like

  71. Totally needed this today. Relieved to know other people’s p- and a-holes are on the fritz.

    Like

  72. Lol oh man thats tooo funny I think if I was the cashier I would be busting out laughing too I was just looking kind of weird I know but still it was awesome😅😅😅😂😂

    Like

  73. Reasons people like us should totally be out in public as often as possible. I always have to explain that no, I haven’t been drinking. I’m just that weird.

    Like

  74. Lol oh man thats tooo funny I think if I was the cashier I would be busting out laughing too I was just looking kind of weird I know but still it was awesome😅😅😅😂😂

    Like

  75. I was interviewing someone for a job once, and my co-interviewer interrupted the woman mid-sentence to yell, “Holy shit! A fucking bee!” Everything just stopped dead. Then she was like, “Sorry. I was just pointing it out in case anyone was allergic.” For some weird reason, your liquor store story reminded me of that, and then I laughed even harder at all the alphabetical letters that can mean something else.

    Like

    mydangblog recently posted My Week 98: Iceland FAQs.

  76. But if you’re a bird it’s such a structurally sound place to live!

    Like

    Kristin recently posted Shrill by Lindy West. (Part 1).

  77. 79
    Caro Cogitatus

    My favorite stories all seem to end with “…and Victor wouldn’t let me because he hates [America|freedom|happiness|words]”.

    Liked by 2 people

  78. Speechless right now… laughing

    Like

    Shawn Smith-Ford recently posted Pop Culture League Assignment: Shelfie.

  79. That’s really funny because just yesterday I was telling/yelling at The Viking that we have shit in Every hole around here. And then we had a whole discussion about which holes we Can put shit in and which holes we Can’t put shit in. Surprisingly, we still have two holes that we aren’t sure if we can put shit in them or not. You wouldn’t think there would be ambivalence about shit and holes but there you have it.

    Liked by 1 person

    Mrs. Completely recently posted If You Suddenly Smell Flowers…….

  80. That’s me all over, and it gets worse when I’m trying to explain what I ment

    Like

  81. 83
    ocularnervosa

    No good deed and so forth.

    Liked by 1 person

  82. Of all the reasons you wouldn’t be allowed back in a liquor store, this was not on my top 100 list. Hell, it wasn’t on my radar, sonar or on that Tesla thingy that the government is hiding.

    Like

  83. You totally made my afternoon. Thanks for the laughter.

    Like

  84. Only you, Jenny. Only you.

    Like

  85. I am surprised there is anywhere left you “can” go..LOL…

    Liked by 2 people

  86. Who builds a nest in the P hole of a liquor store anyway? Sounds like the birds have been spending all their time hitting the sauce and that’s why they can’t get their shit together.

    Like

    Spoken Like A True Nut recently posted According to my data, algae is the least of Rio’s pool problems..

  87. This was before you started drinking?

    Like

    Elyse recently posted “Through the awful grace of God.” #Elections2016.

  88. I SOOOO needed a laugh today! Thanks, Jenny Lawson, you always come through for me!

    Like

  89. Thank you for making me laugh..🙂

    Like

  90. Kind of like having a classroom conversation involving the words hole and deep. It’s all in the phrasing.

    Like

    kstewand4cats recently posted How’s it goin’?.

  91. OMG, that is so funny. While reading this I was thinking there needs to be a sign with shit in their a holes and there was!!

    Like

  92. And this is why I love you!

    Like

  93. You’re not far off, those birds may be carrying Cryptococcus. There are lots of human pathogens found in birds. The owners of those buildings should really make an effort to relocate the nests for the safety of the birds and the human passers-by.

    Like

    Gary Lum recently posted Delicious Chicken Maryland with crispy rice recipe.

  94. You made me LOL so hard in the middle of the train station just now…I think the security staff are giving me the Jimmy eye…

    Like

  95. People in general don’t know what to do with helpful info. I think they’re so used to people needing help they freeze up when folks like you are giving them obviously good information in a clear and concise format.

    It’s their problem, really.

    Like

    DayLeeFix recently posted Whose Pants are Wetter? Gypsy Wedding Crasher or Ryan Lochte?.

  96. You make me laugh out loud!!😍

    Like

  97. I hate it when people don’t have a sense of humor and can’t appreciate it when you try to have fun with them—make their workday more fun. Makes me sad for the other people in their lives.

    Like

  98. oh god stop… i’m crying!

    Like

  99. I really needed this laugh today. Thank you so much.

    Like

  100. 102
    Laurie Stoker

    Jeez, Jenny! Victor can’t take you ANYWHERE!

    Like

  101. 103
    Wildrider51

    I’m laughing so hard I can barely breathe…. Thank you.

    Like

  102. Stop looking at the sign lettering, I don’t know what you will do when you find a bird’s nest in an “O” or “o” hole.

    Like

  103. Yes, my husband can sympathize. Only thing is, at 5’2″ I’m not observant enough to note whether or not there is anything in the ahole or phole above my head and that’s almost sadder then knowing if there is shit in the ahole or phole. I think it’s time for wine now – lucky thing I have some in my box so I don’t have to go out and look up into, well, you know.

    Like

  104. You are hilarious and so are all the comments!! You all make me smile every day!!

    Liked by 1 person

  105. My family HATES being in public with me because I challenge prices/return policies/rude and unfriendly sales associates/rude drivers/weird stuff that doesn’t make sense and pretty much anything I think is wrong or that I can do better. It’s a gift.

    Like

    Kelly recently posted Painful Lopsided Rockboobs. Part of God’s Plan?.

  106. I don’t know why you can’t go back… I mean, the problem was with THEIR p-hole, not yours. Unless you’re not going back because you don’t want to get the stuff from their p-hole on you. Although, I suppose drinking their products in the parking lot “for medicinal purposes just in case I get p-hole stuff on me…” would probably still be frowned upon. *sigh

    Liked by 1 person

  107. LoLOL…OMGoodness , I needed that laugh !! Thank You, So Much !!!

    Like

  108. Hahaha that’s the kind of dumb shit I would say and I love you for sharing that 😂

    Like

    KezUnprepared recently posted Hey, Priceline lady. Let me live!.

  109. 111
    Safety_third

    As a safety professional, I say the award goes to you! Well done!

    Like

  110. LOLOLOL…OMGOODNESS,I so needed that laugh, today !!
    Thank You,So Much !!

    Like

  111. I recognized the signs on an impeding panic attack an took klonopin in time to nip it in the bud!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is a HUGE deal for me and and even though I still feel shaky on the inside this needed to be celebrated at least in some minor way. I know this will be appreciated here xoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  112. I should know by now, not to try to drink anything when I read your posts. Thank you for the laughs!!!!

    Like

  113. Now I’m going to be checking out P- and A-holes all weekend just so I can let people know there’s crap in them. I want to say this at least once!

    Like

  114. I soooo wish I had stories like this to share……lmbo! I just love your stories!

    Like

  115. OK, Jenny. You always make me smile, but this had me laughing out loud and reading it to my husband, who by the way, could totally relate to compensating for his spouse’s mouth.

    Like

  116. 118
    g2-abd4f8635c0fbe6a4e9175f7e0474a1e

    Like

  117. Yeah, down here in Australia we have to be careful clearing out our P-holes and A-holes. It may look like a bird’s nest in there, but there are waaaayy too many legs involved.

    Like

  118. Does Victor watch Archer on FX? That’s where I hear “PHRASING” all the time…

    Like

  119. Make giant letter nests great again! Jenny Lawson approves this message.

    Like

  120. WHY does this give me the mental/emotional fortitude to go deal with bank stuff!?? Not sure, but thank you, Jenny!!!

    Like

  121. 123
    Suzanne Pontbriant

    I love you!

    Like

  122. I LOVE IT!!! Thank you for always making me howl with laughter.

    Like

  123. Only you, Jenny, only you…. You’re definitely one of kind! Thanks!!

    Like

  124. I love your world!

    Like

  125. Sometimes the opportunities presented to us are just too hard to pass up. And that’s why we all need a Victor in our lives.

    Like

    Awkwardly Alive recently posted Reflections on Romance… WITH KNIVES!.

  126. I probably shouldn’t have been drinking coffee, or, anything for that matter, while reading this.🙂

    Like

  127. Love some Archer!!!

    Like

  128. The ‘A’ hole and the ‘P’ hole are always the most important holes.
    Victor should know that keeping them clean may require gentle reminders from people who care.

    Like

  129. Oh, Jenny, thanks for this! I love how you make me laugh!!

    Like

  130. Priceless!!!!

    Like

    StarOfGrace recently posted An Unhappy Birthday.

  131. Bwaaahahahahaaa!

    Thank you for making me laugh! Since first coming across your materials a few months ago, I can’t tell you just how much you’ve done for me simply by sharing your life’s stories.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you!

    Like

    Brin Dailey recently posted Today I Made Smelly in The Doctor’s Office – Jenny Lawson Saved Me. Kinda..

  132. damn you Jenny, i just snorted coffee through my nose AGAIN! yeesh, do you hate America or something?

    Like

  133. They should have listened. A bunch of shit in your P hole is a very serious condition and could have serious ramifications. This is no laughing matter. Except when YOU say it HAHAHAHAHA!!!

    Like

    BipolarOnFire recently posted I Fired Dr. Flaky.

  134. Thank you. This made a coworker laugh. More selfishly, it made me laugh, when I don’t have much reason to.

    Like

  135. When I saw the A, I lost it. lol Loved this one!

    Like

  136. I love that of all the places they could have built a nest (a church, a hospital, a school), they chose a liquor store.That is so bad ass of the birds. I think they deserve those little sample size liquors for that reason alone.

    Like

  137. OMG- just what I needed after sending a Sherwin Williams paint chip through the drive thru at the bank. Love love love

    Like

  138. The Trump/Pence logo that lasted about a day had the t-of Trump passing through the p of Pence and I thought that if the designers had presented it as “Trump’s shaft erect in the P hole”, it wouldn’t have even gotten that one day…

    Like

  139. Literally LOLed.
    Once I was at Home Depot a bloody fragment of an eggshell fell from the ceiling. My toddler picked it up and my husband had a major salmonella freakout. I’m sure he’s right, but…still.

    Like

  140. I wish I could go shopping with you instead of with my husband. He’s not even as fun to shop with as Victor, and Victor hates _______!

    But for now, as I go out walking to get my daily 10k steps, I shall pay more attention to signage and look for shit in p-holes and a-holes. I may discover shit in c-cups and s-cups, too… We’ll see.

    Like

    emelle28 recently posted Hello!.

  141. I have to be honest, my husband would be right behind me saying “YES, your P-holes are full of shit – aren’t you going to do something out it? Huh? Let me know your plan.”

    Like

  142. Laughing my ass off!

    Like

  143. Very funny. Always thought Alfred Hitchcock was right about The Birds….

    Like

  144. Fun typography fact: hole in letters are called counters. So those would be a P counter and and A counter, respectively. Not that saying “you’ve got shit in your P counter” is really any better, but it is technically correct.

    Like

  145. […] Source: That’s how you get an infection. […]

    Like

  146. OMG, thank you for this. I needed that chuckle.

    Like

  147. 149
    CatCynergy

    I don’t have a way with words, so, suffice it to say “I LOVE YOU”!! I snorted coffee through my nose I’m laughing so hard, and I just wish I could somehow get the world read your blog (and possibly kidnap Trump, hiding him away forever, but that’s an entirely different topic)!! I didn’t even have to read the rest of your blog entry (but I did) once I saw the American sign. Thanks so, so, so, so, soooooo much for blogging and being funny, clever YOU!!

    Like

  148. […] at building their next that things were falling out of it and hitting passersby so I went in … Continue reading → […]

    Like

  149. Jenny, you have got to write another book! This stuff is priceless! I’m going to get in trouble at work for laughing uncontrollably.

    Like

  150. 152
    paulasplacewheredreamsgotodie

    Too funny! I am gonna pee. I love you Jenny! (In my best Forest Gump voice)

    Like

  151. OMG! At work, very jet-lagged, and about to die after reading this. THANK YOU!!!

    Like

  152. Thank you for making laugh, it was needed.

    Like

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