Jesus, you guys. I DON’T HAVE THE ANSWERS. But I do have a lot more questions now.

in no one thinks this is funny but me, Random Crap, You people scare me and I sort of love it.

Every so often I go look at the search terms that brought people to my blog and then I think STOP DOING THAT.  But then I decide that it would make a funny post and share some of them even though writing these phrases here will inevitably just lead to more terribly baffling searches leading here.

WORTH IT.

The most baffling terms that led people to my blog this month:

  • I bought a sick monkey on ebay (I can’t tell if you’re complaining or bragging)
  • What happens if you have a hole in your eardrum and an ant crawls inside your ear?  (I don’t know but I will never sleep again.)
  • How to prevent a tittie from growing on your ear (Is this a real concern?)
  • when i laugh my belly button pops but i am a boy  (Wait.  Do you think this is normal for girls?)
  • Chrissy, I fucking hate you and I want you dead by tomorrow morning bitch.  (Jesus.  I don’t know who Chrissy is but someone get her to safe house.)
  • best personal peeing (Is this an award? Congrats?)
  • what if a gnat flies in my nose and i find him in my ear a week later (How do you know it’s the same gnat?)
  • There are cobras that look so!!so!! cool!!!!! and are the biggest cobras found ever and ever like never seen before that’s why they are cooll!!!!!
 (I have no idea what you’re talking about but your excitement is contagious.)
  • Where can I volunteer and get a small money as a thank you (That is not how volunteering works.)
  • Dear google please help me with my question
 (That is not how google works.)
  • Can cats swallow a baby?  (That is not how cats work.)
  • How much money is in a $10 bill (Is this a trick question?)
  • windex enema used by serial killers  (No.  Stop it.)
  • strange and disturbing things about my old little pony (What?)
  • straight white pubic hair that feels like a cat whisker (What??)
  • Inflated cat butt (What???)
  • single cougar boobs (What????)
  • DIY cat outfits (Wha- Oh wait.  Yes. I’m in.  Come on over.)
  • how much nyquil to make me unconscious
 (This is exactly the week I’ve had too.)
  • can single white rapid hair growth on forehead be a sign of early pregnancy (Probably not.)
  • danger nipples (And I just found my new band name.)
  • He put a dick on my forehead and said I’m a unicorn (He sounds like a keeper.)
  • Why do I have white stuff on my face? (Hmm.  Nope. Too easy.)
  • True stories about everyone is telephoning to congratulate you on still being alive (That is a very specific genre.)
  • What does a feces smell prophetically represent if I’m awake and not dreaming (If you’re awake and you smell feces you may have shit yourself. That’s not symbolic or prophetic. That’s real life.)
  • Oh look. One of the peasants has a blog. (Ow.)
  • poto bagina (I don’t know what you’re misspelling but I know you’re misspelling it)
  • Dead squirrel in attic smell (That is my least favorite yankee candle.)

Conclusion: There are a lot of confused people in the world and they are all ending up here.  Which makes sense in a way.  Welcome.  I think.

185 thoughts on “Jesus, you guys. I DON’T HAVE THE ANSWERS. But I do have a lot more questions now.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Goddamn, that was random. Definitely interested in the singular cougar boob, regardless of what it turns out to be.

    And, generally speaking: 42. That should help.

  3. I run foodporn.com (would love to interview you sometime!!) and I get every possible word combined with porn bringing people to the site: turkey porn, poultry porn, geoduck porn, spinach porn. I don’t want to know what they actually are trying to see!

  6. These are terrific. The weirdest query that led someone to my blog has to be “left axis deviation health magic”.though “how to vacuum up mom? is a close and disturbing second.

  10. I feel terribly left out. Nobody ever visits my blog because of search terms. Obviously I am blogging all wrong.

  13. My mouthful of coffee is now in a splatter formation on my computer screen. Thanks much.

  14. I shared this on your FB too, but here are some of mine. They always amuse me.

    don’t get em wet and don’t feed em after midnight
    if we wearing a pad how it see if we wearing a trouser
    things to do on a tramp other than jump
    skinny bitches do it better

  15. I kind of want to search the weirdest stuff my brainmeats can come up with just to see if it leads me back here…

  16. I totally read that as “Where can i volunteer and get a small monkey as a thank you?” Which is also not how it works….

  17. Thank so much for the laugh! Not just the search terms, but your response to them. I am sitting in a parked my lot laughing so hard I”m crying – and getting strange looks. I want to hand them my phone and say “Look. I dare to not to laugh. Or chortle.”

  18. I recently got the search term “The Meaning of Unstupendous” – and Google referred them to my blog. Passive-aggressive tendencies from Google?

  23. I love it when you do these posts. Well, I love all of your posts, but the ones where you list random search phrases are always fantastic.

    Maybe Poto Bagina is the opening act for Danger Nipples?

  24. I think that is supposed to be “single cougar” boob. It’s likely a younger man searching for an older woman to have sex with and he wants to see pictures of her breast(s).

  26. You are quite right, this makes for a very excellent post! 😂 Thanks for the laugh this morning!

  27. I’m afraid to check mine because I’m sure to be disappointed after reading your lists :-D.

  28. Please don’t stop doing that. These are hysterical, especially with your responses.

  29. Oh my God, these are hilarious. My personal favorites are “danger nipples” and “he put a dick on my forehead and called me a unicorn.” The former would make a great band name, but the latter is just.. Well, if you search “penicorn” on Google, you will become amused, afraid, and concerned all at once.

  30. I have to tell you, I have had one of the crappiest mornings ever, and I finally get to sit down and open up my reader and here you were.

    Thank you. I cannot tell you how much I needed this laugh today.

  31. Strange Google searches are the best. Sometimes though you gotta add in searches like “writing tips” or “fiction writing help” so people don’t realize you’re a serial killer.
    …I mean… THINK… they don’t THINK you’re a serial killer… because you’re not… you just need that case of Windex for your windows… so many windows….

  32. I seriously needed a laugh. Thank you for sharing this — and I love your comments on them!!!

  34. I just want to congratulate you on being alive and also having this blog that brightens my day (especially really really gray ones like today.). I’d call but I don’t your number and I do have social anxiety. 😎

  37. Has anyone ever commented on these posts like, “YES, that search was me!!” I wish they would.

  38. I love these posts. I’m too new to blogging to look into search terms, but I feel secure in betting they’ll never be this interesting.

  39. This right here has turned one of the shittiest days of my life into something more tolerable. Please Jenny, don’t ever stop writing. The world needs you. I need you. Thank you.

  41. OH C’MON!
    DIY cat outfits and Dead squirrel in attic smell, these two I can understand leading to your blog but the rest?! just wtf. Who ARE your readers and WHY do I feel so at home here?!

  42. My friend and I have an ongoing game of what would make good band names. I think Danger Nipples is a fantastic addition to this ongoing game and I encourage everyone to play often.

  43. I always love your posts but this one wins the internet today! Those are some extremely random search strings and I am extraordinarily interested in how a Google search for “Chrissy, I fucking hate you and I want you dead by tomorrow morning bitch.” or “How to prevent a tittie from growing on your ear” or even “windex enema used by serial killers” directed someone to your blog. I know you write some crazy & entertaining shit but wow! LMAO!!!

  45. LOL!! Thank you for sharing both the queries and your responses. I admit that it’s often your responses that leave me laughing for minutes (hours) later… although the search terms are hilarious (and sometimes disturbing) in themselves. I definitely have to agree that there are a lot of confused people in the world – and if they don’t end up here, that their loss!! Thanks for brightening my day. 🙂

    PS I don’t have a blog (well, yet…) and I always wonder how you figure out what search terms are used.

  47. I’m not even exaggerating when I say that every.single.time you do one of these posts I laugh harder and harder til I can hardly catch my breath by the end. So thanks, lady, I needed that so much right now.

  50. OMG, this was hysterical. I loved this, especially “dead squirrel in the attic smell”…they must know you….and thank you I needed this!

  51. For what it’s worth I think they meant: strange and disturbing things about old My Little Pony ™. And,no, that wasn’t me,

  53. Every single time you do one of these, I think, “wow, there are some strange people on the Internet”. Then I think about how I laughed at all these and realize I’m right there with them.

  54. I’m trying not to judge people by what they search. Thanks for making me laugh out loud. And for making me realize that not judging is harder than it sounds.

  57. someone at google is obviously drunk because you are not a peasant. you are the queen of taxidermy, the empress of the unicorn success club (and double empress of the double unicorn success club!) and demi-goddess of all of the tribe. so take that google! (and aren’t you still a czar?)

  60. I hope danger nipples goes on tour!! I would totally see them live.

    Also my daughter is a judgy because I am dying of laughter and she doesn’t understand why.

  63. Oh god, the second one! I saw an ant fall on the table in front of me the other day and I was like: where did it come? Did it come from me? Is this why I have pains in my ear?! So I guess it could have been me searching crazy things. Sorry for my english, I’m a belgian fan! (And I just saw a film in which they said that when lonely people have hallucinations, they always see ants because ants are always in groups; and then I wondered if the ant I saw was real.. so yeah I’m lonely and (maybe) imagining things).

  64. I was about to say you couldn’t have “danger nipples” but then I realized that it’s not the same as “A danger to my nipples…” or “Danger: Nipples…” so I’m fine with it. You can keep “Danger Nipples”. :o)

  66. I was drinking some fancy coffee when I read “prevent a tittie from growing on your ear” and I lost it. I lost all of it. Just everywhere.

    It was worth it because coffee is fleeting but that tittie comment will be with me for the rest of my life.

  67. As a reference librarian in a science department, I have some pretty weird searches on my list. Yet, not of them appeared on your list. Best part? I am usually logged in to Google, Facebook, or Amazon, so then I get some mighty interesting recommendations in ads. Some lovely questions over the years: “What color is fly poop?” “I have bedbugs, look!” Your “What does a feces smell prophetically represent if I’m awake and not dreaming?” Definitely could have come from my place of business. We have some interesting exchanges here.

  68. I suspect that the belly button popping question was written by someone who googled “belly button popping” and got a lot of unwanted articles about pregnancy. As for the others…I don’t know.

  73. I read the one about volunteering as asking about getting a small monkey as a thank you. That would be the most awesome volunteer work ever. I would vastly prefer a small monkey to the plaques and tote bags I usually get for volunteering.

  74. My most disturbing search term is “gerbil stripper”… if anyone joins your DIY cat outfits party and makes smaller-than-catsized outfits, be suspicious.

  75. Oh damn. I am laughing so hard I’m crying over these! These are great! I hope every person found what they were looking for with those search terms. Except the one who googled about Chrissy. Run Chrissy!!

  76. My tribe, you are all home…these are wonderful except for Chrissy and the US marshals need to check and see if she needs the witness protection program…

  78. OMG I read this in the break room at work and was laughing so hard. People stared but I just don’t care. Hilarious. I snorted food and everything. Thank you so much.

  79. Your (I can’t tell if you’re complaining or bragging) is a wonderful nod to James Thurber’s Pet Column. Nice literary reference, young lady! Very classy!

  80. years and years ago, I had a knitting blog. It was really just a way for me to organize and show off my projects. I remember looking at the search terms that brought people to my blog, and my favorite one was ‘whip porn’. I still feel kind of bad for those people looking for whip porn and ending up on a knitting blog. They must have been so confused…lol

  81. Also, I have to quit reading your blog while my students are writing. They keep looking back at me and wondering why there are tears pouring down my face.

  83. I think danger nipples goes with the single cougar boob. Those could be some dangerous nipples, especially if one of the cougar’s titties ends up in your ear! Mrowr!

  84. Awesome. The only search term that has ever come up on my blog is “This week big ass”. I don’t know how to explain it. Was it a threat? A compliment? A reference to the US Debate? I’ll never know.

  86. “Dead squirrel in the attic smell.”
    When you are married to a parasitologist that often picks up road kill when he is driving your car, this is known as “Dead animal in my car smell.” I know it well and it’s always a dead give-away even if he tries to deny it.

  88. “Dead squirrel in attic smell (That is my least favorite yankee candle.)”
    Now I know why I hate walking past that store in the mall. It must be entirely stocked with dead squirrel candles.

  91. I am now laughing way too hard in the bathroom at work. I think they can hear me out there… can you get fired for obnoxious bathroom laughing?

  92. Best laugh I’ve had all day – had to shut the office door. At least there were none with boogers. Boogers in your ear or cat boogers. Nobody needs that.

  93. Buawahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. I’m sitting here literally crying with laughter. Gods, people are strange. And that includes me for finding their strangeness funny. 😀

  95. Okay , no seriously. I have a single white public hair. I never thought about it being like a car whisker before but it totally is. Jenny. Google thinks you know the answer to this one. What does it mean????

  99. Aaaaand now once again everyone in my office is wondering why the weirdo is laughing in her little corner cubicle.

  100. Ruh roh. I thought it was safe to come out of my hidey hole. Guess not. Bye!

  101. I’m laughing so hard I’m crying. I haven’t laughed this hard since I finished Furiously Happy. OMG Jenny, please write another book for us soon. You make the world a far more entertaining place. ROTFLMAO

  104. Geezus, I had something on one of my blogs about a bug flying up my nose. Or was that just a draft. I was also talking about bugs crawling in my ears, and having eardrops as a child, and being lucky not to be living in a part of the world where bugs creep into your ears. Or maybe I was just thinking about that when I was reading that Stephen King book. I know it’s on my blog somewhere, or maybe I was in that other dimension again….

  106. Considering how many years you’ve been writing your blog, I can totally believe you have touched on many of those subjects in some ways. Either that, or Google has decided that you’re the default for questions nobody else wants to answer. I’m sure when people reach your blog, they feel right at home, so it’s all good.

  107. the “poto bagina” one made me laugh out loud on the train. I am so grateful for you, Jenny Lawson!

  108. I found your blog just by listening to my wife’s hysterical laughter when she read Let’s Pretend. She said you had a site. You give so much to so many with your words and wit. And I am grateful.

    @WriterDann

  110. I needed cheering up today as I failed the annual Great California Shake-out” earthquake drill this morning. I (almost)quickly crammed myself under a desk and then couldn’t get out. Himself had the devil’s own time helping me and we almost had to call the paramedics. I forgot we are OLD!
    When the real Big One comes, it’s okay. Just take me, Lord. Himself and the dog, too, please.

  111. This is a test of the “Does Jenny comment on the comments still?”

    Maybe I’m alone, but I adore seeing her comments show up on here.

    If this wasn’t a test I’d offer an ethicality taxidermied (is that a word?) chipmunk with blue face paint, a shield and sword as a reward for her passing the test, because everyone knows chipmunks are the ninjas of the animal kingdom, slightly aggressive when equipped with old school armament and speak with a Scottish accent when humans aren’t around. #SecretsAnimalKingdomdoesntwantyoutoknow. (The ninja chipmunks…not Jenny’s comments.)

  112. Auto correct screwed up my spelling of ethically. You won that last round douchey spell check.

  116. The scary part of this is that I am sure several of these have been used in conversation with my hubby. Well, not Chrissy, but definitely old little pony and almost anything with a monkey. I should tell you that hubby is a “Victor” with 30 more years or so under his belt. He loves you, Jenny, but his main man is Victor,but I’very made him promise to never tell Victor what the next 30 years will be like.

  117. Okay I have a new goal in life. I dream of writing a blog so good that it will engender searches at least half as random and unsettling as some of these!

  118. I knew the comments on this were going to be … fascinating. And scary and wonderfully warped and honest and uplifting and supportive 🙂

  119. In response to “danger nipples (And I just found my new band name.)”
    Many (very many) moons ago I was hanging out with a bunch of wonderful queer women who were way cooler than me. One of them said that “Hairy Areolas” would be an awesome dyke punk-rock band name. Years later this still makes me giggle.

  120. No!!!! I can’t read your latest post! I get a message that tells me to ask you to resend using a different format. I’ve never had a problem before. What up?!?!

    Sent from my iPad

  122. But you are the second site on google with the “Oh look. One of the peasants has a blog” search… Disappointing

  125. That poor person looking for single cougar boobs was probably very disappointed.

  126. My name is Chris, Thanks for letting me know that that Bitch is back in town and is trying to kill me again. Now I’m prepared for her!

  127. I don’t like Chrissy either, but death seems extreme. I always love the search terms. I wish WordPress would loosen up the whole “gotta keep these things private” deal.

  128. Isn’t a white hair in the middle of a forehead a sign that you might be becoming a unicorn? No?

  131. I’m am Chrissy, but I am the Good Chrissy of the West! Be wary of the Bad Chrissy of the East! You cannot trust her. She wants to steal your soul. I only seek to offer good vibes, positive energy & happiness to you & yours.

  134. Thank you for making the entire family laugh until tears spilled and morning coffee showered the dining table.

  135. I’ve heard of a Danger Clit before. Maybe I shouldn’t have shared that. I kinda want
    To do a search and see if it send me to your site now for funzies.

  137. Can cats swallow a baby?
    There’s a video somewhere out there of this happening. If there isn’t then I will lose all faith in the internet.

  139. OMG!! I’m sitting here laughing at this – these must be the same drunk people typing in random shit. I loved the one about the feces smell… had me laughing.

  140. gosh. Every day it turns out that people are stranger in so many ways you never thought about.kind of like watching the election coverage, but then you’re more like Sister Teresa

  142. I could not remember the name of your blog but wanted to share it with friends, so I just googled “knock knock Mother F….” and there you were, I have a cut out of the rooster hanging in my cubical with a post-it that says ‘Knock knock’ compliments of a friend that introduced me to your blog.

  143. I’m having a super bad pain day, but those got me laughing out loud. That also got me scared, because the people who make those searches are out there, ALL AROUND US. And one of them might want to do a Windex enema… possibly to an inflated cat butt.

  144. I am not a morning person, so this blog is the best at jump starting my day and getting it started with a smile.

  146. The unicorn one just gave me an idea for the greatest (adults only) Halloween costume EVER. Off, with glee, to the adult party store and Hobby Lobby.

  147. Hi Jenny. I’m trying to get my own personal blog started on WordPress. I am having a bit of trouble with the posts and comments however though. Do you know how you have a post, and then you attach the 78 comments part, or however many comments there are on a post and you then click on ’78 comments’ for example. I was wondering how you did that? It goes through to page that is just one page with one post and it stop exactly on the part of the page where the comments are.

    Can I ask how you did it please, whether it was to do with css or HTML and what you used in order to make that happen? Was it a plug in or something else. I’m not sure if you’re using WordPress or whatever. I hope I’m getting it across well enough. I am really struggling and would love it if you got back to me. Great blog by the way. Can see why people relate to you. And you’re an amazing drawer as well. 🙂

  148. Judging from how bad my husband is at using the “talk to text” option on his Android phone, I’m thinking SOME of the misspellings must be attributed to that for other people too.

  150. So the one about “how much money is in a $10 bill”? Literally just yesterday morning I stopped to get a caffeinated beverage at McDonald’s on my way to an interview b/c EARLY. Anyhow, I had some random change in the car that I thought I’d use to pay. The total was $1.09 with tax. I handed the teenage cashier at the window two quarters and six dimes. She looked at her hand, looked back at me, and said, “How much is it?” To which I responded, “You told me the total was $1.09.” “No,” she said, thrusting her hand back at me, “how much is this?” UMMMM WHAT??? When I told her I had given her $1.10, she said, “Oh, ok!”, and hit a button on the register. I was completely flabbergasted – 1) It’s not that she wasn’t able to count the coins, it’s that she COULDN’T EVEN IDENTIFY THEM, and 2) Why on earth is she working a register?? You would think the qualifications for that job would include, you know, understanding how to handle and count money. Or at the very least, be able to tell which coin is which. I could have given her buttons and she wouldn’t have known the difference. So yeah, unfortunately the aforementioned question is a thing. I weep for our educational system and the future of our youth…

  152. Emily (comment 152) : Very similar thing happened to me recently. After a moment’s pause, I said “Oh, that’s $3.00”, whereupon I got back more change than the item cost. Then I went to the manager, handed her the difference, and told her the story. I did not want to get the cashier in trouble, but….really? He should not have been running a cash register.
    Recently went into a hardware store and asked where the string was. “You mean rope?”
    “No, string.”
    “Rope, right?”
    “No, STRING.”
    “Is that like rope?”
    “Yeah, OK, like rope but smaller.”
    “We don’t have it.” Whereupon I went and found the string myself, brought it to the cashier and said “This. Is. String.”
    And no, that person was not speaking English as a second language.
    I, too, fear for the future of humanity.

  153. Now I’m going to try a different random phrase every day to see if I end up at your blog. 🙂

  154. This is fucking hilarious. Also I just realized that you are Jenny Lawson. I stumbled upon this post randomly (sadly not through Googling about insects in my ears). I am a huge fan of Furiously Happy (which I just finished reading a few weeks ago). What a fucking awesome take on mental health. #loved it. Thanks for making another slightly cray blogger feel less alone. You rock.

  158. My spouse now wants to print fake labels and take a trip to the local Yankee Candle.

  162. Danger Nipples!
    Omg… I’m dying of laughter and my husband is giving me funny looks.
    FYI – googling danger nipples brings up some pretty mild results and I’m slightly disappointed.

    You are the best thing since tacos. (to hell with sliced bread!)

  164. I ended up here because I dreamt I grew a full breast behind my left ear. In the dream, I showed it to one of the plumbers I work with then realized my mistake because I just knew he was then thinking: “OK…that must be representative of what her other two breasts look like. Thanks!”

  165. (I dreamt about the boob behind my ear then Googled its possible meaning. This is when I found The Blogess! :-D)

  166. I often read these posts at work, and not sure if I’m going to get fired when keep smiling like a crazy person during working hour, in particular when I read this post…haha!

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  169. You are the only person able to bring me out of my funk. At least temporarily. Hysterical laughter ensued…..thank you. Xo

  170. DANGER WARNING!! If you keep posting these weird searches you will create an inevitable feedback loop that causes ever weirder search terms, and will cause the entire world to explode in weirdness. But please don’t stop, they’re so funny that it will be worth it.

  171. I love your posts. You are so funny and creative and unique. I love your style of writing. I can’t wait to read your next post. BTW I think you poor puppy is not happy dressing up for Halloween…. poor thing…… jk hahaha…..

  172. Hey I knew a gal who had a nipple (no boob) that was located about 2.5 in. to the right and down from her navel, which was in a normal location. I asked why she didn’t have it removed (awkward during bathing suit season) and she told me because her boyfriend liked it…weirded me out about both of them after that.

  173. Ahahaa….. Oh I managed to hold in the laughter until I got to the ‘Prophetic feces smell’ term before I laughed out loud. Uncontrollably. In a quiet library.

  174. You can’t see what I Google BEFORE I come here right? Just what leads me here because awkward…

  176. Dude. Just the other day I was complaining to my BF that my nipples were weirdly itchy and we both agreed that Itchy Nipples would be a great band name. Can we open for Danger nipples?

  177. I use blogger.com (or blogspot.com, I forget), and I’ve downloaded the Google Analytics app, but I can’t for the love of Cheeses figure out how to use it. I can see when YOU or halfa1000 sends someone my way (or even Wil Wheaton, occasionally! W00t!), but as for “searches” that lead people to me, I just dunno.

    Anyone blog and use Google Analytics that can give me a quick instruct?

  179. I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard for that long since the first time I read Let’s Pretend This Never Happened. I love you, Jenny. Thanks for always being there. OK, off to bed. Time to vote tomorrow! 🙂

  180. I just get things like “editor turned down a short story because predictable” and “where is the share button on youtube”. The first makes sense because it’s a blog about writing, the second… not so much.
    But no one comes to my blog looking for single cougar boobs. I’m not sure if I should be relieved or disappointed.

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  182. Woke up grouchy as heck this morning with everyone asking “are you okay, you look really miserable”, which as you know just makes it worse. Now they are leaving me alone cause they heard me laughing out loud from reading this. Thank you.

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Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

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