Thanksgiving: They can kill you, but they can’t eat you.

in Random Crap

Thanksgiving is always stressful and I’m on record as being a big proponent of just celebrating it once every four years (like Leap Year, but better) but no one else ever agrees, so apparently it’s still on.  This year might be more stressful than most because this election is a bit of an open wound/dumpster fire and so many of us spent the last year arguing on Facebook with those relatives you only see at holidays and eventually writing “NONE OF WHAT YOU ARE POSTING ON FACEBOOK IS REMOTELY BASED ON FACT.   PLEASE STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE OR I’M GOING TO TELL YOUR MOTHER.”  And now you have to go see those people in person and it is going to be awkward.  So here’s my advice to you.  Print out all of the reasonable and sane articles you want to share and put them in a big briefcase and as soon as you get there just throw them through a window.  It’ll create a loud, terrible noise to distract people from their stress and it will work just as well at convincing that one crazy motherfucker in your family that they shouldn’t fuck with you.  And – BONUS – now you’re the craziest motherfucker in your family.  The crazy you know (and are -sort of- in control of) is better than the crazy you don’t know.  That’s what I always say.

If that seems too extreme then maybe bring bottle of schnapps and tell everyone that you’re going to take a shot every time someone says something reprehensible.  (Hint: Smashing a window with even the most well-intentioned of briefcases is sort of reprehensible so please have a shot for me.)

Or you could just stay calm and sober and engage in a thoughtful conversation that leads to understanding and compassion and empathy.  That last one sounds like the right answer but – just in case – I’m still bringing my schnapps, several pertinent articles to hand to anyone who picks a fight with me, and a brick to throw through the window because I just realized I don’t even own a briefcase.

Happy Thanksgiving, y’all.  I love you even if I disagree with you.

But none of your damn windows are safe.

PS. I just remembered that Thanksgiving is supposed to be about giving thanks so I’m going to try to turn this around to something more positive.

Things I’m thankful for:

My friends

My family

Bricks

Cats

Schnapps

books

you

172 thoughts on “Thanksgiving: They can kill you, but they can’t eat you.”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. I’m planning on following Nerdist’s advice and throw out random facts to derail conversations that we going south.
    Uncle Steve: Well, I just read on Facebook that…
    Me: WOMBATS HAVE SQUARE POOP!

    I think it will go over well.

  5. Hahaha! 😂 I love you, Jenny! Thank God for your sanity!! Happy Thanksgiving! ❌⭕️❤️

  6. I’m thankful for you and chocolate… and puppies and Harry Potter because he’s a bad motherf*cker

  7. My husband and I are spending Thanksgiving alone this year. Mostly because all our relatives are insane and I’m more likely to use that brick in a felonious assault this year, than attempt reasoned debate. Just not happening. It’s been a shit year all around, and I just can’t deal with people, especially people who voted Trump. I’m not even a Democrat, I just can’t abide people who gleefully voted for a blatant misogynist and racist.

  8. It seems like that day is open season on my dad (who lives in another state), so I refuse to go. I stay at home and watch TV, and am happier for it.

  9. I’m thankful that there is the ability to laugh in the world, for without it, my life would be dreary and dark. Thank you, Miss Lawson, for a lovely excuse to exercise that ability!

  10. I am so thankful for my family ( who I will be seeing in Maine tomorrow) that we are ALL the same page as far as the election. I do not know how I would have made it through that night without them.
    I am thankful for my kitties.
    I am thankful for wine.
    And yes we are all thankful for you!

  11. I just got (gay) married a couple weeks ago and most of the family that will be at Thanksgiving was at the wedding. If anyone tries to start anything, my strategy is to burst into tears and start yelling about the wedding. I figure, at best, it’ll stop conversation on the topic, and at worst, it’ll give me a good excuse to leave and take my leftovers with me.

  12. We are Brits and only moved to the US a couple of years ago, so the novelty of Thanksgiving has not worn off yet. Looking forward to some Turkey and Pecan Pie action!! (Pecan is thanksgiving isn’t it? Please don’t make me eat Pumpkin)

  13. I think the best defense, conversation-wise, is a good offense. I don’t mean be offensive (though, hey, whatever works), but you need to come up with another topic that enough people at the table will want to talk about that the politics-arguers won’t be able to get a word in edgewise. That means finding something one of your loudest-but-still-likable relatives loves and engaging them about it. If you can somehow manage to develop strong opinions about NCIS by 2 pm tomorrow, you might just save Thanksgiving.

  14. i am so glad we only have Christmas to stir up family angst this side of the pond. Good luck and enjoy the schnapps!! xx

  15. My family seems to like my blog…except for my husband. But then again, everyone in my family thinks I am hysterical. Except for my husband.

  16. It’s our first empty nest Thanksgiving. We are traveling in Arizona and will be dining with my husband’s aunt and uncle at their church with “a bunch of elderly Baptists.”

    I don’t think schnapps is enough for this.

  17. I’m grateful for you and I’m grateful for Jen and John at Epbot. You all create a safe place on the interwebs, and that is sorely SORELY needed right now. Take a shot, and have a wonderful Turkey Day, Jenny. 🙂

  18. I have to be a designated driver SO I will leave a little bottle of wine at home for me for getting thru the event as a treat to me. 🙂 Happy Thanksgiving and thank you for helping me stay sane.

  20. And all this time I’ve been making Facebook accounts with fake names, so that I can deliver articles to friends and family members who’ve blocked me.

  21. Just don’t ask me to throw that five-pound cherry pie through the window. No pie deserves that. And dagnabbit, after this open-wound/dumpster fire of an election, and the shit-show that has been 2016 (WHY DAVID BOWIE WHY), I think we all deserve pie.

  22. I will be spending Thanksgiving with just my wife and kids. Christmas, however, will be a different story. Christmas is usually easier, though. People are distracted by gifts.

  25. I assume you mean me!
    Things I’m grateful for:
    scotch tape
    naps
    kayaks
    kitties
    miss jenny 🙂

  26. At first I was confused….I pictured taking a sheaf of papers out of a briefcase, sneaking up to an open window and tossing them through. I couldn’t figure out how this was going to distract anyone for long much less make you into a crazy motherfucker. My flair for the dramatic needs a bit of work it seems.
    The next paragraph cleared things up quite nicely though

    Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

  27. Tomorrow is going to be sad. My dad passed away in August.He loved Thanksgiving. My husband and I will spend tomorrow together, share a little turkey with the cat (just a tiny bit). The spirit of this time of year just isn’t the same any more. Mom will have been gone for 2 years in December, so Christmas can suck it too. Hubby & I will go out for dinner and a movie

  28. Friendsgiving FTW this year! Glad to live on the other side of the country from my mother.

  29. Thankful for books, Jenny, books by jenny, books by Jenny that I can color in, standard poodles (really all dogs and cats) Trader Joe’s, my friends, and even co-workers AND that I now am reminded to go buy schnapps on the way home!

  30. Truth. Even my father couldn’t bring himself to vote for Trump thank goodness. Two years ago there was almost a fist fight over politics. We are now two years older, not much wiser, but still older so I am hoping for civility. And Turkey. And pie. Happy Thanksgiving to you.

  31. I’m fine with Thanksgiving being annual as long as I can retreat with my plate to my secret pillow fort. And there are unlimited refills on mashed potatoes.

    I’m thankful for my friends & family, modern medicine, my sense of humor, and mashed potatoes.

  32. Love you Jenny! You always make me laugh! I’m grateful for you and your work. 🙂

  33. I feel like this current round of “fog” is eating my brain. I wish it’d get on with it. I want to see the sun again but I’m so tired. Now I’m thinking about zombies. Who needs Thanksgiving anyway?

  35. Thanksgiving is just NOT MY THING. I am grateful that this year I don’t have to travel, I am not the chef, only 3-4 peeps are joining us, and we all agree on politics. Thankful for all of you, Jenny, the Bloggess Tribe…you all help keep my sane…or not alone in my crazy.

  36. As much as I like a celebration around food, I’m thankful we don’t do it in Australia. We have enough public holidays already.

  37. Gary Lum: My mum was Australian, and she LOVED Thanksgiving. It was pleasant with her. She continued to do an American Thanksgiving meal when she moved back to Sydney after 25 years in NYC.

  38. I’m bringing Lorazepam to share and I’m going to forget to bring my hearing aid… things I’m thankful for this year: Jenny’s sense of humor, alcohol, anti depressants and anti anxiety meds, being functionally deaf when I don’t wear my hearing aid so I can ignore my crazy family members!!! If anyone wants to temporarily steal the deafness idea, cvs has flesh colored foam ear plugs. Wear them and tell your family you temporarily lost your hearing due to douche bags screaming false BS re: anything to do with politics, but the doctors say your ear drum should grow back after the holidays…

  39. Maybe everyone could just memorize a particular story from one of the books (I think the dildo story is probably the go to) and just start shouting it at any awkward moment. You’ll freak almost everyone out so they leave you alone, and you might be surprised to find one of your cousins sneaks up to you later and says “OMG, I love that book!” and now you’ve got a new cousin friend!

  40. Designated drivers can not pull the schnapps trick. Please hold a place in your hearts for us tomorrow.

    (Bless you. You are God’s special angels. ~ Jenny)

  41. One of my bestest friends, upon meeting someone new, contemplates how she would cook them (she’s a chef). So when uncle crazy pants starts his cheeto rant, imagine him on a spit. As a happy side note, she’s having us for bloody Marys tomorrow at 10am. I won’t care what anyone says after that….

  42. I am thankful for my fur babies and for your writing, all of which makes me laugh, cry, and think. All are awesome!

  43. Bricks! Ahahaha! And remember, books can break windows too. Well, schnapps can also break windows but then you’d be pissed off cause you didn’t have anything to drink!

  44. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because it’s all about eating. It’s always only been immediate family because both of my parents are teachers and we never could go anywhere because why give up an extra day to grade labs/papers? And for that I was very thankful. My mom’s retired and my dad is semi-retired and they’re coming over to spend it with my hubs and I and our two greyhounds and we all agree on everything (except for our greyhound, Gus, who we’re pretty sure is a nihilist). We’re all going to eat a lot of food, do a lot of dishes, go for long walks and watch our the West Wing episode “Shibboleth” and the Chuck episode “Chuck vs. the Pineapple” and laugh our butts off.

    My heart goes out to everyone struggling.

  45. We are now exiting the election season, and entering the holiday season – so it’s like Jurassic Park, only more scarier…

  46. I think option 2 will be my go-to, except instead of schnapps it’ll be vodka. And instead of inflammatory comments it’ll be my parents bickering. I may not make it to Friday…

  47. I’m grateful for you, my husband, my kids, my dog, and my quilting. Otherwise known as the list of things that keep me sane. Hope you have a calm thanksgiving.

  48. Well, legally they can’t eat you. But if they are really fucking crazy? They just might eat you anyway. I guess you’re only hope is convincing then you’d taste really awful! Maybe don’t bathe. Or use deodorant. Hey they might just ask you to leave! Bonus! Then you get to be at home, in pajamas, cuddled up..drinking alcohol, watching Doctor Who and snacking!
    Okay, that was oddly specific.

    Hugs and pie to all!

    E

  49. I am thankful for the rash of Obama/Biden memes making the rounds (“Like. Heck.”) to keep my (somewhat) sane. I am also thankful that I am opting out of Thanksgiving this year and taking my kids to an indoor water park. I smell a new tradition, or maybe that’s just the chlorine.

  50. I am grateful for the fact Canadian Thanksgiving was over before the election results. And I am very thankful for the “It’s a Miracle…” episode from Don’t Trust the B—- in Apartment 23. Laughed so hard I though I would break a rib.

  52. We don’t allow talk about politics at holiday gatherings. We always find plenty of interesting topics to discuss without upsetting anyone. Holidays are supposed to be a break from the stresses of everyday life. Make it so.

  53. So…I’m gonna leave this here because I can’t think of a better place to do so. I’m struggling right now. So much. I feel like 2016 has been a constant stubbed toe or open sore or…whatever might be worse than that. My home flooded in May of this year and I still don’t have it fixed because of various factors. My aunt is very sick also. I don’t want the holidays to even consider happening…most especially not effing tomorrow. My birthday is coming up too and every time someone wishes me a happy birthday I really want to just slap the well meaning words out of their mouths. All I want is a dark space and to not have to function as a grownup on a daily basis. I broke down crying at work and I feel like an enormous freak because I can’t handle my emotions any more. So…what I wanted to say really is

    Thank you Jenny. You make me feel better whenever I read your blog or books. I can’t imagine how I managed to be lucky enough to discover you this year of all years. I needed you and your…wisdom? 🙂 whacky as it might be. So things I’m grateful for
    My kids,
    My job,
    My husband (sorrrrta)
    Your blog.

  54. I’m thankful this year that I have a place to go for Thanksgiving dinner with people who care about me. It’s been a rough year but I have a roof over my head, two wonderful children, family that loves me from far away, and a job working for people who think I do a damn good job. In the end things will work out.

  56. I live in a mixed political household. Holidays are the only time we don’t retreat to different rooms to eat our dinners, and they are therefore also the only time I start in on the wine before 5PM.

    But I am thankful for you and this little community.

  58. Even among the like-minded there can be the stress of just talking politics ad nauseum. I plan on BMOB and playing Candy Crush while watching the Lions. Happy Thanksgiving!

  59. Love you too! My grandfather (the awesome one, not the asshole) always used to say “They can kill you, but they can’t eat you,” so I teared up a bit in a good way. Of course he passed away before the whole Jeffrey Dahmer thing…

  61. I’ll being that bottle of schnapps and up you 2 briefcase’s my family is crazy !

  62. I’ll bring that bottle of schnapps n up you 2 briefcase’s. It’s going to be a long day!

  63. I am definitely thankful for you. You’re one of the funniest motherfuckers I “know” and there have been many days in which I really needed the laugh you gave me. Thanks for all you give to your readers.

  64. We arent doing Thanksgiving this year. We are making a fun brunch at home and watching movies and playing board and card games. No extended family, no hours in the kitchen cooking, no stressful discussions. Its gonna be great! Plus were broke, so buying all that food for one meal would kill our food budget for the next two months.

  65. You are the only other person that I’ve ever heard use this expression! My dad used to always tell me “They can kill you but they can’t eat you” whenever I would need cheering up.

  66. This will be my first Thanksgiving ever without a meal or anyone other than my kids and husband with me. I’m not finding much to be thankful for right now. So, to everyone else, travel safely.

  68. Happy turkey/brick throwing/schnapps drinking/day. I’m thankful for you and all od the crazy ones in families all around, like me 🙂

  70. I am thankful that “A Night at the Opera” is on TCM right now!
    And the whole Bloggess Community
    And two hardboiled eggs
    And my hubby
    And my dog and cat
    And two hardboiled eggs
    And Cakewrecks/EPBOT
    And two hardboiled eggs
    And El Torito for T-day with unlimited stuffing and gravy and honey-chipotle yams (and NO family drama!)
    And my friends
    And volunteering at the animal shelter
    And two hardboiled eggs

  71. Because I work on Wednesday AND Friday, I am home by myself on Thankgiving. But it’s okay because I have planned a wonderful meal of bean burrito, guac, blue tortillas, and for dessert, dark chocolate/raspberry ice cream. And because I am by myself, I get to be EXTRA thankful! I can do whatever I want (and what I want is staying home in bed because I’m sick again), I don’t have to argue with anyone over politics except one of the cats. The other four voted the way I did. I have the best job in the world. And did i mention I can stay in bed?

    I am thankful for people who make me laugh consistently and who are brave enough to show the broken places to the rest of us, who are mostly broken in secret.

    Happy Thanksgiving!

  72. I admit it…I changed my FB profile to include that Polaroid-looking frame that says “Thankful for us” with a picture of my son and I at Bubba Gump’s from our trip to New Orleans over the summer.

    I really don’t even want to GO to Thanksgiving dinner at my ILs because they are staunch Republicans and I am not. Also..it’s hard for me to go and be the fatty at the table. MIL is (thanks to stomach stapling) thin and while my SIL is not THIN, she is at least thinner than I am and very athletic (always has been). Meanwhile I”m there, feeling guilty for eating ANYTHING while they eat only like half a slice of turkey, a dollop of sweet potato casserole and a single green bean. I feel like they’re judging me, even if they’re too polite to say anything about it. I’m also going to once again feel terribly unfashionable since I’ll probably be wearing jeans and a nice button down shirt while they rock the tunic-length shirts or sweaters and Lularoe leggings that would look HORRIBLE on my ginormous thighs.

    But I don’t get a choice, unfortunately. I hope your Thanksgiving is way better than mine, Jenny. 🙂 I am thankful for YOU for being a bright point of light in my sometimes very dark and scary existence.

  73. Can we be thankful for you (in a non-creepy way)?

    We haven’t done thanksgiving in years (last year my little brother stopped by for ham steaks) but this year we are. With turkey I think (rather see them in the woods…not good eating in my book) and with my parents who resolutely backed the other candidate (the one who won)…. least we won’t have Christmas this year so that should be quiet (I hope).

  74. I am thankful for:
    You
    This community
    Antidepressants
    Wine
    The fact that my house has many nice closets in which I can hide, with wine, to avoid family political nonsense.

  76. Relaxing with the wife, enjoying not having to cook tomorrow, and caring for my new cycling tattoo, which is probably not even able to be shown on Facebook, but is a bona fide work of art.

  77. I will only make conversation pertaining to side dishes, the flickering oil light in my car, deer hunting, and possibly the Black Friday shopping that I refuse to do. Thankful for cats all the damn time.

  80. I’m thankful for your humor, my friends, the fact that I live on the west coast. I’m also thankful for search engines. Per a previous comment, I’m looking up why wombats have square poop.

  82. As I think I have mentioned once or twice, I Love You Jenny! And I am very thankful for you, Victor, and your amazing daughter Hailey.

  83. I’m thankful we don’t have that holiday here. I’m just working on plans to survive Christmas. I think your brick/briefcase idea is adaptable to most family holidays and get together. I’m also thankful that I’m lucky enough to have a home and family and friends

  84. I encouraged my 3-year-old grandson, who will be spending the holidays with the less liberal grandparents, to say this whenever Trump’s name comes up: “Donald Trump says yucky things. Let’s talk about Star Wars!” I can’t wait to hear what happens.
    I’m thankful for friends.
    And champagne.

  86. I am grateful… for having health, for my right eye, my mother, sister, husband, online friends courtesy the Bloggess Tribe, the chance to be brutally honest with IRL friends I’ve known for 15 years… and, for having gotten in & out of Trader Joe’s before 1:30pm, alive. (All the L.A. area locations will be wiped out of stock by 4:05pm, I imagine.)

  87. None of my relatives invited us and I’m not asking (or cooking) so we’re heading to Pappa’s BBQ and then coming home to watch movies.

  88. Every other year, when my brother’s family is at his in-laws’ place and all the other cousins do the same, the population for Thanksgiving is just my parents, one aunt, and me, and we just say “hell with it” and do lunch at a restaurant the Saturday before. So I already HAD Thanksgiving…

    …oh, and did I mention that my aunt most likely voted for Trump?

    My parents didn’t, bless’em, and my father usually likes to talk politics with HER – but has been getting uneasy about it over the past couple years as she’s gotten more conservative. So I was a little uneasy going to lunch this year. But to my surprise, about five minutes into the meal my father suddenly started talking about this business thing that my relatives all own together, and he and my aunt got caught up with talking about that all day. No one mentioned the election at all.

    It wasn’t until we were in the car when my parents were dropping me off at the train station that they confessed to making a pact that they wouldn’t bring up politics – and it wasn’t until the next morning that I realized Dad had brought up the business to distract my AUNT from mentioning it. I called him to say “well played”.

    At the other end of the spectrum – there’s a couple I’m friends with; one of their dads is super-conservative, and the other is really liberal. The two dads got into a fight over the Mike-Pence-At-Hamilton thing on FACEBOOK. I plan to buy my friends vodka when I see them next.

  89. I’m so thankful that my daughter, Whitney made it home from college safe today to spend three days with us! My sweet mom died two years ago, and we miss her so much- especcially during the holidays, these are our third without her. Tomorrow, my husband, daughter, brother and I will spend the day with my veru best friend since middle school and her lovely family. It’s all love and food and laughs when we’re together. I’m thankful that we can celebrate with our chosen families if that’s who we prefer to be with on a special day!

  90. I have to work and I told everyone the wrong time so I can go Black Thursday shopping. But I’m saving some of the ideas from u and the comments. I really going to use the random facts one. Did u know snails have four noses. I’m thankful for you the people on here, my kitties, that my cat survived nearly dying in February (it was close) and my friends that I adore. I hope everyone has a wonderful day but just in case I know where the bricks are if u need them.

  91. All this time I thought I DID need an account to post here, and now I am learning I don’t. Bloggess, I am thankful for YOU !

  92. I saw a meme circulating that said someone’s mom was going to hand out kazoos and order a politics free thanksgiving and if anyone started down that road everyone else would play the kazoos until they stopped.

    I like that plan.

    Bricks are a good backup plan though.

  94. OR…..marry a Viking! They don’t celebrate Thanksgiving….they just celebrate, even when there’s nothing to celebrate, which explains why they are the happiest people on the planet. They are also the shy-est/shiest people on the planet which explains Akvavit. They need the booze to get past the shyness so they can be awesome. And they ARE awesome!

  96. I am thankful for all of my American friends and colleagues. You are appreciated here in Canada. Especially if you didn’t vote for Londad Prumt.

    Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family. The same for anyone here.

    Something Something pass me a drink.

    @WriterDann

  98. I’m thankful for this website and Scalzi’s, my cats, soft socks, great books and great movies. It’s Bowfinger tonight and old monster movies for tomorrow. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone on here!

  99. The very best Thanksgiving back when I had family to share it with was the Tequila Thanksgiving. We played cards before (and after) dinner, losers had a shot. The only mishap was falling on Grandma, then when Grandma fell on Great Grandma later. No one was really hurt though. Maybe this wouldn’t work if you have mean drunks in the family.

    I’m grateful I’m alive, the cats are OK. I do miss family Thanksgivings, so when you are rolling your eyes at that one relative during the family feast tomorrow, consider that it maybe more comforting than you realize right now. Cheers!

  100. I just read that Showing Up for Racial Justice is doing a text help line to offer talking points for anyone who’s stuck in a conversation with racist relatives. Text SOS to 82623. Also available for short 1:1 coaching calls.

    I’m having Thanksgiving with single and widowed coworkers at someone else’s house, so I’m pretty sure I’m safe for tomorrow. I have to work Friday, then a friend is driving in from 120 miles away to spend the weekend.

    I’m thankful for the great friends I have, for fandom and fanfic and podfic, for friends and cat nursing me through a long post-surgery, for my surgeon and his lovely staff (ooh, that sounded wrong!), for my brother making it through his own health crisis and my SIL for taking such great care of him, and my 93 year old mom.

  102. I’m thankful for falling and hurting my knee. Because I cannot tolerate driving 6 hours (frequent pit stops) to have dry turkey and sleep on the couch for 4 nights because the guest bed is a double and TheEngineer is a big guy. I can’t sit in the car that long! Yay!!

    I’m thankful for you, Jenny, and for my children who will be here with their sweeties for Yule, and for my granddaughter who is a real peach, and my sweet hubby, and my little dog.

  103. I’m thankful for you too, Jenny! 😀 Here’s hoping that we all have a Thanksgiving that’s as peaceful as possible. 🙂

  104. Happy Thanksgiving, Americans! I’m one of the grateful Canadians who already had it in October, pre-election. Even though it wasn’t our election, I still managed to get in arguments with idiots about the whole thing, so I know what you’ll be dealing with. Faking deafness is my fallback position; if I refuse to hear something, it was never said.

  107. Happy Thanksgiving to my American friends. Hope your wishbone wishes come true (and we’ll know because Trump will magically disappear).

  108. Love this post it totally made me smile. you rock Jenny, as I am sure you know this. This Thanksgiving is extra hard for me as it is the first holiday, except for my bday that I have had cancer and I get the ooos and awwws of family and friends, and as much as I care about them it pisses me off. I am so glad to have your blog and books to be able to disappear and let the stress of every day life go. Thank you for being you.

  109. Im thankful for:
    family, even when they drive you crazy.
    really big glasses of wine.
    my husband when he brings me chocolate and I dont even have to ask he just knows I want/need it.
    Amazing blogs/books/stories/songs that I can loose myself in when my life gets too overwhelming for me.
    (I will be bringing a book, wine, and chocolate to thanksgiving tomorrow)

  110. @ Duck Do Normandie:

    There are two phrases that are guaranteed to make any given situation end terribly. They are:

    Hold my beer and watch this…
    Well, I just read on Facebook that…

    Social media is where human garbage goes to die.

  111. This is normally one of my favorite holidays because, honestly, if I could, I’d have a roast turkey every week of my life. That said, I have a family who make me want to break windows, too. The bottle of schnapps sounds like a REALLY GOOD IDEA. Maybe I should make sure to bring a bottle of wine…

    Happy Thanksgiving!

  112. I am thankful that this year is almost over, but I am also thankful becasue all the hard things that happened this year made me make hard choices but I’ll be better for them. I am also thankful that between my three dogs, two cats, and one husband that I will never be cold, lonely, or lack for compainionship. Based on that last sentence I clearly need to work on my hoarding tendencies becasue thats a lot of living beings in a condo

  113. I’m just going to break into interpretive dance (probably with festive hand gestures) when conversations get heated. I may as well start practicing now.

  114. This blog post is going to each and every member of my family. They will have had fair warning…all the best to you, Jenny

  117. This is one of those times when I carry your (second) book around and hold up Rory if something starts to seem like I might want to throw bricks.

  118. I just wrote this long comment about how I love this post because my favorite word is “defenestrate,” which literally means to throw someone or something out of a window. But somehow in trying to log in to my WordPress account I lost the comment because I can never remember the password for that. Ugh! So posting as anonymous I guess.

    Hope your holiday is fun but without the need for defenestration! 😉

  120. It’s okay. Only my kids are coming and they are even more upset than I am at the election results…our conversation will be just fine. No one better be throwing anything around the house though or they are all in big trouble! Unless they were throwing cute little kittens….that would be really nice.

  121. In my country, it is business, as usual, tomorrow, but if it were my Thanksgiving I would be sure to say how thankful I am for you, Jenny Lawson! A big Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family from me!

    And to the motherfuckers out there, Happy Thanksgiving to you too!

  122. I gotta second Stephanie above. I’m thankful for gravy. And seconds on gravy.

    My sweet old great aunt used to tell us the story of a Thanksgiving many years ago. They had invited a soldier back from the Great War to have dinner with them. He had eaten nothing but army food for such a long time that he was grateful for the invitation. He was very polite and ate heartily of everything. As he was leaving, he thanked the hostess profusely for her hospitality and gave her what was probably his greatest complement, “the gravy,” he said, “was delicious.”

    To this day, all anyone in my family has to say to express their appreciation for a wonderful meal is, “the gravy was delicious.”

  123. We’re going to my husband’s extended family for Thanksgiving, but have our own hotel room. They are the worst of the Trump supporters, the closet racists. I started my Xanax tow days ago and have a number of wine bottles on hand. They are teatottlers. If it gets bad end I have hubbys permission to just leave. I’m thankful for that. We lost my dad a year ago September and we’re still shell shocked last year, this year I miss him more. He would have eviserated them with words and would have loved to see his great granddaughter. Who I am also thankful for this year!

  124. Luckily, my family is all on the same page. Or at least too afraid to admit otherwise. For our celebration at our house on Saturday, I told everyone I would supply all of the dinner and one pie. Their jobs were to bring more pie and wine. Lots and lots of pie and wine. I’m thinking everyone should enjoy themselves even if I fuck up dinner.

  127. Holidays are a strange tradition. You dress up like zombies and beg for candy. You sit down with people you might not choose to have in your life and stuff yourself until someone ends up face down in their plate. You battle traffic and long lines to buy crap you can’t afford, and stay up until three a.m. wrapping it, because God forbid you show up empty-handed at the relatives, where everyone is yawning or drunk or face down in their plate. And the only creature having fun is the cat, playing in the empty boxes. Bah humbug, I say!

    I’m thankful I live in a country where I can type Bah humbug on a stranger’s blog and not get jailed or tortured.

    I’m opting out of Thanksgiving this year. I’m grabbing a veggie and hummus sandwich from the deli before they close, strapping on my hiking boots, and joining friends in the redwoods.

  128. OMG, FIRST of all – huge nostalgia. My mom and I always laughed over the “they can kill you but they can’t eat you,” because that was one of HER father’s favorite sayings that always puzzled her and my aunt. What does it matter if they do eat you?
    Anyway, I was/am an only child and my parents are both gone so I don’t have family (close family, anyway) to spend the holidays with. I spent my first Thanksgiving alone in 2012, having lost Mom to cancer in 2011 and Dad a year later in 2012.
    I’m spending it with a friend’s family this year but it’s still a lonely, tough, heartbreaking time, especially when every ad/TV show/Facebook post demands that we be surrounded by perfect family togetherness and a photographically-perfect turkey and sides. The fact that I am alone makes people uncomfortable so that makes things even lonelier. I struggle every holiday season with some depresssion and this year, for whatever reason, it’s especially tough.
    If you have close family, try to take time, despite political differences, to spend some time with them, especially parents, if you can.
    None of the crapstick candidates that any of the political parties yanked out of their smelly sock drawers is worth losing family over.
    Jenny, thank you for being … you. I wish you and yours, two-legged and four-legged, a happy, calm, quiet Thanksgiving.

  130. As awful as this year has been, for me it’s an improvement on last year. Not the election or any related awfulness, just my actual situation, for which I’m very thankful right now. Last year on the 22ond of November there was a fire in the front part of the old foundry building where we were living, which was bad enough already, no heat, no shower, no kitchen, bathroom 40 yards down a dark corridor, etc. After the fire, the city wouldn’t let the landlord turn the electricity back on. We moved out in February, and as far as I know, there’s still no electricity there. So that’s what last Thanksgiving was like. This year we are in a nice 2 bedroom house by the freeway with a friend who also helped us move (I’m disabled from a stroke, so that was a big deal) and an adorable cat to keep us company.
    Also, while I’m going on and on, I’d like to say how thankful I am for both of your books, which I read twice each, during that no electricity month of no internet and general misery. They actually made it easier to cope with, and for that I thank you.

  132. OMFG I just read “designated driver” as “designated survivor.”

    And Happy Yummy Dead Bird Day to all! Or if you’re one of a variety of not partaking of animal flesh or parts: Happy Very Much Food Creativity Day.

  133. Umm … Just sayin …. They CAN eat you. They ate Bob one piece at a time on Walking Dead. It was disgusting. Nothing left for the taxidermist. No stuffed Bob. Just Bob burps …

  134. Me too. I just finished Furiously happy. Changed me. (Thank god I looked up before hitting post comment because I saw that I had actually typed Furiously Jappy. Not what I was going for AT ALL plus EEKS!)

  135. Oh Mighty Bloggess! Your description of the election as “a bit of an open wound/dumpster fire” is the best thing I’ve read since Nov. 8! Without a doubt, I’m thankful for you.

  136. “Things I’m thankful for:
    My friends
    My family
    Bricks”

    BRICKS?!!

    I grew up in East Texas, but at a young age I was exiled in California. Once I finally got repatriated to Texas, I was always puzzled when someone said, “Brick-Bat.” What the fuck is a ‘brick-bat’? I wanted to ask (but didn’t; for that way lay madness… and probably a good ass-kicking, me being the kick-ie and not the kicker (as it were).

    Anyway, now that I am on the subject and since I know you to be a true Texan, why did you say ‘brick’ and not use the vernacular: ‘brick-bat’?

    Have we lost our collective Texanisms? Is this just one more way of saying…. well, saying what, I don’t know.

    I do know one thing about Texans: We have always found English to be lacking in so many ways; mostly in the way that the words are just too damn short. They always need more syllables:

    And ‘shit’ is a three – syllable word:
    Sheeeeeitttt!

    Peace Girl.
    I love your blog.
    Happy Thanksgiving (or to quote Rocky: “To you it’s Thanksgiving; to me it’s Thursday.”)
    Happy anyhow.
    -L

  137. I am thankful for all those who know they have a safe place here, to share the laughter, tears, wine or any other beverage of your choice. I thank you once more Jenny for helping us find a dialogue that says…it is ok to tell trolls to fuck off! When they brandish their well polished jack boots and say “we won, you lost, get over it” I thank you for understanding when I squeal in high pierced tones “you are so stupid you dim Neanderthal bastards!!” but still go on to fight without killing anyone with my bare hands…ok kiddies, are you sitting comfortably? Then we will begin…
    today’s word is: defenestration (dee-fen-uh-STRAY-shuhn) noun, Throwing something or someone out of a window…earliest documented usage 1620 (Thanks, word of the day!!)
    Lets ventilate!

  139. I am very thankful for you! Love this blog. Love all of them. Hope your Thanksgiving is brick and shot free

  140. I’m super thankful for you too! And burritos. But seriously, I’m a long time reader of your blog and discovered it when I felt really alone in my mental health and thought it was just me. I also love your blog for all its other stuff, but the mental health mentions are the cherry on top. Pumpkin spice scented virtual awkward cuddles!

  141. We will be following John Scalzi’s holiday rule: no political talk today.
    Hooray!

  147. Happy Turkey Day to all! I changed my holidays years ago. My kids and I all cook together, invite friends, and watch Planes, Trains, and Automobiles with Steve Martin and John Candy. It always makes me feel good cry at the end with lots of laughter. For Xmas we go to the movies. It helps to be the family pariah. Who says I have to conform and be miserable. Make it work for you. It’s your life after all. Plus my new meds adjustment is working and that’s something to be thankful for! 🙌🎉

  148. I was going to visit my family, but cancelled last minute, b/c I just couldn’t do it. I’ll work through this and try for Christmas.

  149. #TodayImGratefulFor YOU, Jenny. I don’t have to spend today with anyone more stressful than my husband, and it would probably not be a good idea for either of us to throw a brick or briefcase through our front window, since we rent. But he’s letting me hang out on the internets while he bakes the cornbread to go with the crockpot of food he’s been working the last two days. Happy Turkey Day! Eat all the food, drink all the booze, try not to stab anyone (per Buggy-24/7 on Twitter, a member of your tribe).

  150. Happy Thanksgiving to you too Jenny! We don’t have it here in Oz but since I’m not an ingrate I am still thankful for my family, my friends, our beautiful adopted city, you and all the other good people who I know are still in the world. I’m also thankful this fucked up year is nearly over because a fresh start is just what we all need. And hugs. And schnapps. xxx

  151. My tips for a stress free Thanksgiving:
    1. Live 3000 miles away from most of your relatives particularly those with opposing (i. e. wrong) political views.
    2. Spend it on the couch with cats, husband, wine, and pecan pie.

    I am thankful for the items listed above and your blog and books, Jenny! Your latest book is helping me survive post-election terror disorder.

  152. We established a new Thanksgiving tradition today when my husband and I listened to you narrate “Jenkins, You Motherfucker” as we drove to the relatives house to have dinner.
    I had the idea to make this a tradition a few weeks ago, but so much has happened that it’s a miracle I remembered when the day arrived. A Thanksgiving Miracle!
    Thank you, Jenny. You have made it easier to be alive. Repeatedly.
    And I especially needed you today. For all the reasons.
    ::Hugs::

  153. My mom and I went out to eat at a buffet restaurant for Thanksgiving. A little pricey, but so much fun and soooo much food and no mess to clean up. We plan on having a Thanksgiving/Christmas celebration when my stepdad comes to visit in December.
    I’m thankful for my mother, who has been a godsend throughout my mental health struggles. I’m also thankful for Jenny and Furiously Happy, which has completely turned my life around.

  154. Thank you. I’m reading this while sitting in fricking Big Lots because my kids and husband are all being assholes. So I got out of the car and walked into the closest store.

  155. I know I can’t convince my family to be compassionate and welcoming to everyone. And so husband and I stayed home today, ate frozen pizzas, and are binge watching Game of Thrones. For this, and you, I am thankful!

  156. My parents came to visit us this year and we made a rule that politics could not be discussed the whole time they are here since my husband and I vehemently disagree with my dad. It’s been almost a week and it’s going just fine. I think this should be a rule at EVERY gathering so we can all just enjoy each other.

  160. I am thankful for everyone who invited me for Thanksgiving and also understood that I’d rather be home in my pajamas then dress up to eat a meal that included strangers. I made way too much food for me and the dog and watched the Friends Thanksgiving episode marathon. Now we will eat leftovers and decorate for Christmas. No children or obnoxious political views, and everything cooked the way I like it.

    Going to go eat apple pie for breakfast now.

  161. I just celebrated by 4th annual Pizza in Pajamas Day and I can’t say enough good things about it. No stress, no dishes (eat right out of the box), no broken windows. 🙂 Try it next year, it’s awesome!

  162. I am thankful to work on a military base that forces us to take training every year that points out all of our freedoms. Also, the classified information training every Federal employee must take ANNUALLY clearly states only classified servers and computers are to be used for this nationally sensitive information. It’s about time everyone quits this ridiculous “fear mongering politics” we’ve allowed the media to hype up! Everyone – this country will be fine and everyone will be fine!! All of us minorities will be OK. Sheesh. I know we need drama in our lives, but this is completely ridiculous at this point in time.
    I am also thankful to have my 3 children. I completely lucked-out and got 3 awesome kids that help me out every day, especially those days when I can’t seem to be a good mom.
    Lastly, I am incredibly lucky to have a husband that understands the low days and takes advantage of the good days! I know not everyone has someone like that in their lives and I am thankful I do.

  163. Next year let them know that you did Canadian Thanksgiving this year and you thought they already knew it. So, you’re already Thankgiving’ed out. I will vouch for you if you like.

    If that doesn’t work then suggest that you talk about Canadian politics. In my experience most Americans know as much about Canada as I know about Burkina Faso (It’s somewhere on earth I’m sure) and so you can make up anything you want.

    Example of made up facts:
    “Did you know that the Canadian Government employs squirrels to deliver messages, sort of like how in Harry Potter they use owls? Because it’s Canada, all of them are bilingual in French and English”

    “I heard the Prime Minister of Canada Jacque Poutine was planning on personally delivering a case of beer to every Candian before the new year. He was going to use the messenger squirrels, but Parliament refused to pass the budget on it.”

    “Healthcare in Canada has had an increase in wait times because so many Canadians have kidney stones made out of pure maple syrup. I’ve heard they’re recycling those maple syrup stones for sale in USA. Boycott Canadian waste kidney syrup!”

    “I have it on good authority can Canadian Geese are sleeper agents for a Canadian move to invade the USA. Mike Myers, William Shatner, Celine Dione, Norm MacDonald, Jim Carrey, Michael J Fox, Pamela Anderson, Ryan Reynolds, Neil Young, Dan Aykroid… etc” Then fall to the floor and foam at the mouth until they leave. (Use alka seltzer if needed) Murmur as though possessed “the Canadians are coming” until they leave. This is a last resort option.

    You can also make your Thanksgiving clothes optional. I bet that would reduce the number of people who RSVP.

  164. Awesome. It sounds bitter, but honestly, one of the things I’m thankful for is that, being halfway around the world this year, I didn’t have to deal with family!
    Love ’em or hate ’em, you just can’t avoid them… Until you move to China.

  166. I would not go to a thanksgiving event if you held a gun to my head. Just for starters, the whole thing is based upon the early and highly friendly assistance that the Native Americans gave to the first settlers in this country, and we all know how THAT generosity was repaid. And is still being repaid to this day. You won’t find any Native Americans celebrating thanksgiving. All it is, is a celebration of the start of hundreds of hears of slaughter, torture, and oppression of the Native Americans by white people, and this still continues. I find it extremely shameful that it is even in existence as a “holiday” with that theme.

  168. So I totally know this is late… But I have to say that this year’s thanksgiving conversations were the best my family has ever had. We have people from all sorts of walks of life from mormons to muslims and far left to far right. Politics were not mentioned once.

    Instead we talked about the best and worst trips my parents ever had… and I don’t mean vacations. Apparently my dad tried acid a few times, hoping each new trip would be better than the last. It never was. When donald duck is climbing out of the tv to try to kill you, you don’t try acid again. Then he took something one night that made him so out of it, he thought his friends bed was the bathroom and peed on his face. He said shrooms were good, but not in a “good” way. I think he was trying to be all parenty, but at that point, I think the whole parenty thing was kind of out the window.

    Then my mom talked about how Jerry Reed from Smokey and the bandit took her out on a few dates, and ended up giving her some maui wowie which she proceeded to smoke before scrubbing with an eye surgeon one morning and ended up passing out in the middle of the surgery. The surgeon told her she probably locked her knees. This is why people drug test now.

    And that is why this past thanksgiving was the most fantastic thanksgiving my family has ever had.

  169. If it was every four years, it would be even more stressful. To make it the best Damn T-Day ever! So that the damn family can talk about it until the next one.. which would coincide with yet another election. Fucked either way..
    have some Turkey.. Luckily my birthday doesn’t fall on Tday every year.

  171. Thank you for all of the laughs you provide! Your blog is so awesome, but is even more so when I’m having a rough day/week/month/year/past several years (because let’s be real). Thanks so much for your words.

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