Spellcheck is a bit of an asshole.

Today I got an email from a friend and it said, “Just thinking of you today, diarrhea.  How ya doing?” and I was like, “I was doing better before you called me ‘diarrhea’?  Is that your pet name for me?  Because I’m not sure I love it” and then she was like, “FOR FUCKS SAKE, SPELLCHECK.  I typed ‘dearheart’ and spellcheck auto-corrected it to ‘diarrhea’.  I don’t think you’re diarrhea.” And I guess that makes sense because even as I’m typing this spellcheck is like “‘DEARHEART’ ISN’T A REAL WORD.  I’M HELPING,” but when it comes to someone calling me “diarrhea” spellcheck is all, “YEP!  THAT SOUNDS RIGHT.  NO PROBLEMS HERE.”

Thanks, spellcheck.  You’re a real dearheart.

PS.  Now spellcheck is like “‘Dearheart’ still isn’t a real word.  Did you mean ‘dearhreart’?”

screen-shot-2016-12-04-at-12-14-44-pm

No, really.  WTF.

At this point I think Spellcheck has become self-aware and is just fucking with me.

*******

And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

bloggess sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Gem & Honey infused bath salts from Wild Honey Apothecary.  From them: “A bath is nothing short of a sacred return to the water. Our Gem & Honey infused bath salts are blended with only pure botanical ingredients for highly aromatic soaking pleasure. Charged with the high vibration energy of quartz crystal and infused with biodynamic honey from Wisconsin.”  Their monthly delivery service is only $10 (shipping is included) and sends you two 1.5 ounce sachets of specially blended salts and a small quartz crystal.  I’m ordering some myself.  You should check out it out right here.

77 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Haha, except for me we spell it diarrhoea here in Australia 😂

    Liked by 3 people

    Gary Lum recently posted Chicken wings and duck fat roast sweet potato.

  2. More diarrhoea here too 😀

    Like

    ludovicah recently posted Alan Merrill : The Great Discovery.

  3. I discovered this years ago, Jenny.
    But your post was priceless regardless.

    Like

    The Hook recently posted A Weekend at Murdoch’s Extended..

  4. I don’t know whether to love spell check or hate it. Although the frustration is endless, it does often make me laugh. I agree there is an element of intelligence to it… someone is fucking with us all and loving every moment.

    Like

    Twin Pickle recently posted Banned Google Interview Questions: Smashed by a Six Year Old.

  5. It is obvious that Spellcheck is totally fucking with you.
    Dearhreart. (Now it’s fucking with me… 😉 )

    Like

  6. You know, I didn’t think of you with the coyote, because that isn’t Hailey in the pictures, but in retrospect, I should have.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. beautiful 😛

    Liked by 1 person

    odiezedog recently posted More of Pinkie and Odie’s Adventures.

  8. I could see you being the coyote lady. That would have been believable, if I’d thought of it.

    Like

  9. Ducking heel is all I can say

    Like

    mousegoddess recently posted In Which We Run In Of Time.

  10. I know it wants to change effit always to effigy which fits too sometimes.

    Liked by 1 person

    Kelly's Cancer Beat Down Blog recently posted A BreastCancer Poem…or Maybe Lymrick.

  11. If spellcheck is an asshole, autocorrect is a gaping asshole in a douche canoe.

    Liked by 2 people

    mhotchkiss1108 recently posted The 5 Most Obvious Things Every Sales Person Should Do (but Don’t).

  12. I tried to type Rosh Hashanah, and predictive text suggested Rosh Hashtag.
    Nice.
    Certainly a more modern take on an ancient tradition, but… no.

    Liked by 2 people

    OwnLessDoMore.us recently posted RV bathroom upgrade: Any excuse for a potty!.

  13. Whenever I get a new device the first thing I do is turn off autocorrect, because it makes me rage. Of course I still use it as a scapegoat if I happen to f*ck something up on my own.

    Liked by 2 people

  14. The thing about Autocorrect is that it corrects to words you’ve previously used when it isn’t sure what you mean. So your friend must have used the word “diarrhea” in another email at some point, which begs the question “Why is she writing to people about her own, or someone else’s, diarrhea?” I just inherited my son’s Iphone, and some of the things it wants to Autocorrect for me are a little concerning. Or maybe it’s just the new slang…

    Liked by 1 person

    mydangblog recently posted My Week 114: 2 AM Eternal, Christmas Toys for Girls and Boys.

  15. hahahaha. spellcheck is a total dickhead sometimes.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. How does one infuse gems? Color me confused.

    Like

  17. Spellcheck is remedial. I have to teach it to put words in plural and how to conjugate all the time. It should pay me tutoring fees.

    Liked by 3 people

    susielindau recently posted Dear Holiday Diary.

  18. We could all just agree that diarrhea means dearheart and then spellcheck loses. And so does everyone. OK I’m fired.

    Like

    dodo recently posted To-do: Become robot.

  19. My mom sent me some interesting emails because of autocorrect, too. It’s only funny when it’s someone we know.

    Liked by 1 person

    becomingcliche recently posted Home For the Holidays.

  20. Diarrhea. Asshole. I see what you did there. Hahahaha

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Spell check is definitely self aware. It takes great delight in fucking with me.

    Like

    Shari recently posted Writers Block?.

  22. I’m looking forward to another J.G. Miracle! Thank you so much for doing tons of work so others can have a great Christmas season. I love you! We love you! And honestly I don’t know how I’d get through another year without you and your comical posts. So you are going to have to be a blogger for many many years. And not die of shock when opening gifts from your strange group of followers.

    Like

  23. I received an email 4 years ago from a former boss that said “oh Anus, I value you and your work.” I will never, ever delete it.

    Like

  24. @anonymous I didn’t make the gem infused products but I do make aromatherapy products. You can soak gems in distilled water and add the gem elixir to the mix or you can put the gems in the salt and let them sit overnight, then remove them. The idea is that the healing properties of the gems go into the bath products.

    Like

    Shari recently posted Writers Block?.

  25. Of course spell check is fucking with you. It’s fucking with everyone at this point. That’s why I turned it off on my phone. I don’t have time for that.

    Like

    bookdragonette recently posted Ramblings.

  26. I have to say that I like spellcheck. It’s Autocorrect that makes me swear up a storm. ☺

    Like

  27. My auto-correct thinks I am a serial killer of animals – it suggests “deer heart” and, immediately to the right, “deer hearts.” Stop misdiagnosing me, autocorrect.

    Like

  28. I was working on stuff yesterday and spellcheck told me that “spellcheck” wasn’t correct so I pretty much give up.

    Liked by 1 person

    kstewand4cats recently posted This is bad.

  29. 29
    Juli Page Morgan

    I got a message from my daughter a couple of months ago informing me that “Stephan Wellford is going to appear at the Delta Fair!” I was still staring at this in confusion when she sent another text clarifying that Stephan Wellford is actually Steppenwolf. And now I want to write to Steppenwolf and tell them their fake check-in name at hotels needs to be Stephan Wellford.

    Liked by 1 person

  30. “WASN’T correct!” AAAAUUGHH I’m out.

    Like

    kstewand4cats recently posted This is bad.

  31. Sadly, if someone called me “diarrhea,” I’d assume they know me well. I have Crohn’s ;(

    Liked by 1 person

    Elyse recently posted Dear World Leader.

  32. I was trying to write something on Instagram about quitting the holiday decorating for the night when the pizza arrived, and it autocorrected “pizza” to prisoner of azkaban. So people think I have way more interesting visitors than I do, just because I don’t proof my posts.

    Liked by 2 people

    Manicmom recently posted You wait. I’ll be so dang merry, Christmas won’t know what hit it.

  33. I taught spell check to correct itself to spellwrecker. You should see the things it does to transliterated Hebrew: “boker tov” (good morning) becomes “Boca Raton” (ok, that is kind of fun) but it all goes downhill from there.

    Like

  34. I can never spell alcohol right the first time. I can drink it, though. Usually without mistakes. Sometimes without mistakes. Nearly always.

    Liked by 1 person

    Michelle recently posted A Krampus Christmas: The Jenkin’s Family Letter.

  35. I write a lot and spellcheck is always going nuts over words that are totally real words. Or should be.

    Like

  36. Thank you so much for posting about the women pranking her husband! I laughed so hard I peed a little. Damn kids ruined me. Was having a rough day.. That made me feel better

    Like

  37. 38
    asuncionshija

    A friend texted me asking if I was coming “to class”, somehow spellcheck translated that to “Yo Igor”. Which, really, considering the week/month/year I’ve had, led to some really necessary hilarity. Thankfully I was in the car alone at the time – not in my usual completely inappropriate place to bust into belly laughter!

    Like

  38. I laughed really hard at the Coyote story. It was just too funny!

    Liked by 1 person

    Lisa Orchard recently posted Be That Person.

  39. I always tell my students to be smarter than grammar and spell check.
    If they called me diarrhea, I would probably think they meant exactly that. Junior high kids are evil sometimes.

    Like

    hazelhillboro recently posted The Well-Trained Dog and the Living Cardinal.

  40. I live in Pinellas County FL. Spellcheck used to offer penis as an alternate spelling. Which is even more silly because our county does sort of look like a penis hanging off the side of Florida (which also looks like a penis)

    Liked by 1 person

  41. The Viking’s name sends Spellcheck into spasms. It’s prejudiced against Scandinavians. It wants to correct the name but then Grammar wants to change the entire sentence to fit the new spelling of the name. Sometimes, I let Thesaurus play, too.

    Like

    Mrs. Completely recently posted The Apple Didn’t Fall Far From the Tree.

  42. Love the ornaments. In truth victor would have just said “Jenny your not fooling me we both know that’s a coyote now put it back outside you can’t keep him” or “NO MORE TAXIDERMY”. Let’s be honest Victor knows you better then that husband. But this story reminds me of Jakens the “not a turkey turkey”

    Like

  43. I thought the lady with the coyote was you also… had to read it twice to make sure it wasn’t…

    Like

  44. My question would be, WTH is “dearhreart,” spellcheck?!? At least correct something to a real word.

    Like

  45. Sent from iPhone

    >

    Like

  46. I finally have my phone trained; the other day, I really DID mean to say “duck” and Swype tried to correct it to “Fuck”. grin

    Like

  47. Thanks for the coyote story — that was hilarious! Are you sure it wasn’t you because that totally sounds like “Conversations with Victor.”

    Spellcheck and Autocorrect are two sides of the same asshole coin.

    Like

  48. Texting with my mom usually turns into a farce thanks to autocorrect. Just this week I mentioned going to “cancer” (a.k.a. Cancun). Then I texted again to tell her cancer is a terrible destination, that should have been “can can” (thanks AGAIN, autocorrect!) Surely it pulled that scrap from the millions of other times I’ve ever mentioned the can can….which would be exactly never. To which she promptly followed with a request for me to give her chopsticks in her stocking (a.k.a Chapstik). Which then somehow led to her mentioning “chopmein” (that’s not even a real thing, autocorrect!)

    My point is, our conversations would be much less interesting if we got it right the first time.

    Like

  49. Jenny. My 15 year old daughter is entering her 3rd week at an acute behavioral hospital for major depression, anxiety and several other issues. The hospital is 4 hours away from my house, and I was looking for a light audio book to listen to on the drive. I saw the cover and title of “Furiously Happy” and thought it was the perfect lighthearted distraction from reality. It wasn’t what I was looking for AT ALL, but it was PERFECT and what I needed. I have a new perspective on her illness and ready to welcome her home and make some furiously happy times with her before she reaches adulthood and tries to manage independently. Any advice is be appreciated!

    Liked by 1 person

  50. told my bff today that i’m giving up on autocorrect.

    send whatever the fuck you want iphone. ask me if i give a shot.

    Like

  51. I love reading “Damn you, Autocorrect ” stories; I don’t have it, just Spellcheck, which I totally ignore. I know how to spell, and I always proofread before sending. OCD tendencies, I guess. Thank god everyone else isn’t that boring! I, too, thought that coyote lady could have been you – same evil sense of humor. Once again, Jenny, thanks for soothing my mind.

    Like

  52. I used to work with a spellchecker that did not like the word “dealerships” and wanted to use “dealers hips” instead. Not quite the picture you want in a financial statement!

    Like

  53. I’m laughing so freaking hard I can’t even type this out. Of course it’s become self aware. It’s building skynet with a toaster and an old computer in your home. Has a calculator gone missing?

    Like

  54. When I am having a really bad day, I come and re-read a few of your blog posts and they typically make me laugh, then cry, then laugh again. Its very cathartic. So thanks for the warm fuzzies…. its the little things that get me through sometimes 🙂

    Like

  55. I was explaining my lack of fresh coffee to a friend and how it’s my husband’s fault because he has a oversized cup and Spellcheck sprang into action and corrected it to oversized cock and while hubs had no complaints my friend was confused by the abrupt change of subject. Spellcheck is 12 year old boy.

    Liked by 1 person

    That Shameless Hussy recently posted Leftovers.

  56. And now I have the “Diarrhea, ooh ooh!” song from the 2nd grade bus trip to the zoo stuck in my head.

    Aaaaaaand I’m reasonably sure nobody else has ever heard of that song so I’ll just..uh. Show myself out.

    Like

    mommatrek recently posted My hands smell like bacon.

  57. 58
    Billandjen Hughes

    Autocorrect provides my daughter and I with endless entertentertainment! And she cusses so much every word she types it change to fuck. We laugh so hard sometimes we are crying. We are easily entertained……jen

    Like

  58. There was a while my spellcheck kept changing “money” to “monkey.”

    Like

    K. recently posted Life Inside..

  59. POSTED ON MY FRIENDS PAGE : The funniest customer service reply I have received to date, along with the image they sent me:
    Fret not, for your package is racing toward you this very moment. We understand you might be displeased with the time frame it has taken for your game to arrive. This does not sit well with us. We want you to know that we care about customer service. We have taken the liberty of kidnapping your Fed Ex driver’s cat. He received this photo a few hours ago . Although we consider ourselves avid cat lovers, we will not hesitate to put two into the back of this adorable kitten’s head if there is a delay of any kind in the delivery of your package. If there is one thing we love more than animals, it’s satisfied customers! Please feel free to contact us with any questions or donations to Fluffy Meowington’s funeral service should your package be late.

    Our cup of crazy is being shared by the masses – keep on servin’ em up!

    Like

  60. 61
    Purplepenguin

    “At this point I think Spellcheck has become self-aware and is just fucking with me.” Love it!

    Just read the coyote lady story and was glad I put my coffe down first! Laughed so hars! She must be your sister from another mother!!! You should connect up and have a really cool family reunion! We will need pics! LOL

    Like

  61. LOVE the coyote story. It is exactly the kind of thing that I would do, if I had a significant other to whom to do it. What a hilarious idea, and the ensuing text conversation gave me my first (and possibly only, you never know) laugh of the day! Thanks for passing that along.

    Like

  62. Your therapy idea is super helpful, and also super frustrating to pretty much everyone else around you who really want to see things in black and white and really really want to rage about pretty much anything. So, two birds…good work, Jenny!

    Like

  63. 64
    MissPicciPants

    LMAO I love auto correct fails! Someone once texted me that they wanted to rape my fridge. I was like, whaaaaat???

    Like

  64. Cha Cha Cha!

    Like

    Arionis recently posted 642 Things To Write About.

  65. okay. so i am a bit of a luddite and my phone is dumb and all i have is this laptop here. what i’m saying is, i do not have any experience with spellcheck. however, i read about it all the time & it is hysterical. so what i am wondering is–who programmed it? i want to meet that person & have a drink with them.

    Like

  66. When I type neuroscience on my work computer (in a neuroscience research lab) and spellcheck corrects to Pseudoscience. My spellcheck is a sassy pants with rampant disdain for my work. At least my cell phone spellcheck gets me!

    Like

  67. go home spellcheck, you’re drunk….

    Like

  68. Suffering with Dearheart? Fight those symptoms with Imodium….

    Like

    Dann Alexander recently posted Holding On To Creative Sparks.

  69. Huh. There may be something wrong with me. “Dearhreart” really looks close to deaththreat. Just getting stabby with it. 😁

    Like

  70. No against you! Yikes. With you. Very much with you on the stabbiness. Even added stabbiness to my spellcheck dictionary.

    Like

  71. Not. For heaven’s sake. “Not against you.” Glasses don’t make me think any better.

    I’m blaming all of this on the scratches and assorted debris on my tablet.

    Like

  72. On Thanksgiving I was attempting to cook a lot of things all at once and confusing myself in the process. So I asked my phone how many ounces were in a cup and my phone nicely answered. THEN, because I realized that my brain did not want to math, I asked my phone how many cups were in 40 ounces….to which my phone replied “Why don’t you count?” ……………………………….
    Ummmm, what? So I called my phone some very not nice names….and then it would not help me again until I apologized. I’m scared of my phone now.

    Like

  73. Spellcheck may be an asshole but I’ve got a feeling that if it never existed we would have missed out on a whole lot of lulz!

    Like

    Amy | Toothbrush Travels recently posted Perception.

  74. I tried this out on my phone and it changed “dearheart” to “secretary.” What the heck?

    Like

    Taylor recently posted NaNoWriMo kicked my butt!.

  75. holy shit. i had the same reaction to that coyote exchange and the adrenaline rush has me in the best mood now. thanks for sharing!!

    Like

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