Things I found on the internet that were sort of insulting and also very accurate

I keep a folder on my desktop of insulting things the internet has done to me.  It’s a very large folder.  Here are some of the most recent things which were insulting, and also very accurate and therefore even more insulting:

1

Suggested post on Facebook.  “Everything that inspires you, right here.” That right there is a dead squirrel in a ballet outfit. So…yeah.

COLOSSAL foot rasp. Change purse for weed money.

Recommended for me by Amazon.  COLOSSAL foot rasp. Change purse for weed money.  The usual.

Thanks, Linked in.

Thanks for believing in me, LinkedIn.

You don't know me, google.

You don’t know me, google.

What are you trying to say, google?

What are you trying to say, google?

Then someone told me to google my name + meme and I really should have known better after all of this.  But I didn’t.

7

Aw.  Thanks, internets.

*******

And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

bloggess sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by DIY Shareable, a site for DIYers who love to discover, create, & share inspiring DIY projects and ideas that highlight creativity, frugality, & repurpose.  From them: “Save money and time and let your creative juices flow in all things DIY, including home decor, crafts, organization, outdoor projects, and more.  Find DIY Inspiration in Our World. Share It in Yours.”  I’ve been looking at it and there’s a lot of great stuff about organization or decor but my personal favorite right now is the ugly Christmas Sweater post.  Now I need to make a puking reindeer sweater desperately.  Thanks, DIY Shareable.

61 replies. read them below or add one

  1. That foot rasp looks good. I’ve never thought of your tits though. I’d never call you a bitch. Those memes are quite exciting. The foot rasp though. That’s cool.

    Like

    Gary Lum recently posted What would you prefer on a sandwich? Butter or dip?.

  2. I was just served up an ad for Nordstrom’s – with a sexy swimsuit on the left and flannel PJs on the right. So I am flattered and insulted at the same time. But then again, I am a complicated woman, and obviously Nordstrom’s recognizes that.

    Liked by 2 people

    notquiteold recently posted La La Land (Part 2).

  3. It’s truly scary how well the Internet knows you, Jenny!

    Like

  4. Did you buy the squirrel??? I literally cannot continue with my day until I know if you bought the squirrel.

    Ferris feels that this particular drawing is too angular. I’m not sure I agree, but he’s entitled to his opinion.

    Like

    actualconversationswithmyhusband recently posted Baby, It’s Cold Outside (NEM #34).

  5. Are you applying at Whataburger? Probably a food discount somewhere. Although that can hardly be called food I suppose.

    @WriterDann

    Like

    Dann Alexander recently posted Forgiveness Is Not a Requirement.

  6. I did the Alan meme thing once. It was not as nice as yours. My internet ads are much more boring than yours.

    Like

    theycallmetater recently posted Tater Takes on the Internet.

  7. Once the ads on Facebook, supposedly “tailored” to me were for: dating over 50, weight loss products, and assault rifle supplies. Ooookaaay.

    Like

  8. Does Victor know about this Brad you like? If not things could get awkward…

    Like

  9. The squeaking sloths caused our cat to be confused.

    Like

  10. Hahah..I had the weed money bag show up FB for me.

    Like

    Michelle recently posted 11 Names For Your Christmas Puppy.

  11. Facebook, Pandora, and Amazon all recently started showing me ads about teeth and dental school. I’m an English teacher, so I have no idea where that came from.

    Very possibly a sign from God. He’s going to have to forgive me for passing on that one….teeth are gross.

    Like

    hazelhillboro recently posted A Poem About What’s Wrong With Society.

  12. Considering your book covers I would expect a squirrel in a tutu to be right up your alley. Although I have to say it doesn’t look nearly as good as your stuffed friends, so there’s that.

    Like

    bpeschel recently posted Notquilt Design: Flamingos and Eyeballs.

  13. Awe, those baby sloths got to me. Off to cuddle my disdainful cats.

    Like

  14. Internet is crazy lol.

    Like

  15. Not sure exactly where to share this with you. A while back you posted a link to the youTube video ad for your book Furiously Happy. I shared it with my middle school teacher daughter because, as I told her, I felt she could have been a contributor and it made me happy/sad/proud/misty eyed…. Her response was one of the best gifts ever:

    We could all contribute, I imagine. Last week I told my students, every class, how strong you are and how I’ve known that since I was little. And yet you don’t seem able to recognize it. I imagine you are a little broken, like me, and also furiously happy at the same time. You taught me how to love and to laugh, and those are the things that get me through the tough parts of my generally acceptable, even enjoyable, life. So thank you for being strong for me and for your sacrifices and your love and understanding and acceptance and interest and compassion and thoughtfulness and a million other things. No one is perfect, and we are all a little broken, but you are perfect for me. And you make me FURIOUSLY HAPPY to be your daughter. And on the tough days I remember how much you love me and how warm and comforting and genuine your arms feel around me, and it makes the world feel a little more bearable and my load a little lighter to carry. It also makes me miss every moment you’ve ever hugged me because every hug means the world.

    I love you. Thank you.

    Like

  16. I was far more amused by this than I probably should have been due to copious amounts of cold medicine in my system right now.

    Like

    mommatrek recently posted Day 5 of fighting “The Crud”.

  17. Loved it! Maybe I should Google my name. No. No, I shouldn’t.

    Like

  18. I was going to say something about the change purse (how nice that it was labeled for weed, so you don’t forget and spend it on something else), but then the meme thing totally distracted me. Can’t believe they went there with a goat. Boo!

    Like

    Manicmom recently posted You wait. I’ll be so dang merry, Christmas won’t know what hit it.

  19. I’ll bet you watched that baby sloth video over and over and over!

    Like

  20. “Rasp” is a damn tasty onomatopoeia, though.

    Liked by 1 person

    Chuck Baudelaire recently posted I'm Going to Call This Tabexit, and You Can Totally Vote on It.

  21. The meme thing is what killed me with this, so I decided to try it out. Cue pages and pages of Taylor Swift memes. Jenny, want to trade names?

    Like

    Taylor recently posted Casper, did you age into Steve Stevens?.

  22. It looks like you need to start a separate folder for all the times Tom Hanks insulted you.

    Like

    Bookreasons recently posted The Reason To Pick Up A Spare.

  23. If I had only known earlier about your need to fart for people I would have pushed myself harder to actually USE my ticket to see you in Seattle instead of being a baby and not being able to leave my house 🙂 Your publisher never mentioned the farting on your promo pages. Might want to work on that. 🙂 I added that Rory “high five” tote to my wishlist so my husband knows that it’s the only thing I’ll be needing for Christmas. Unfortunately, that beautiful ring you showed us is no longer in stock, but the bag will be a good mood lifter, too. And screw Tom Hanks…he’s so filthy!!! 😉

    Like

    Lisa recently posted Sleeping.

  24. I too need to know if you bought the ballet squirrel. And you need to make a book bag with the oil barrel chicken on it and the other side a bath towel that says “knock knock mother fucker”

    Like

    Erin Griffith recently posted At least you don't need a prescription.....

  25. 25
    Robob from Oz

    O my gosh, Cindy! Your comment. What your daughter wrote. That there is the most beautiful tribute a mother could ever get. Your life’s work is complete, now you get to enjoy the fruits of your labour. As a mother with an equally grateful daughter, I also teared up. Just beautiful.

    Liked by 2 people

  26. Whenever I receive an email in my inbox telling me there is a new post by ‘The Bloggess’, it is the new best day of my life! Thank you, Jenny for making me so ridiculously happy and bringing a smile to my face! I love the shit out of you for it!

    Liked by 1 person

    the incurable dreamer recently posted even a dumb-ass like me has people, great people.

  27. Wait, you can buy weed money?!?

    ponders

    Like

    Mayor Gia recently posted Christmas Music, Huzzah!.

  28. Dude, I want to buy something just to have my credit card statement say 8lbs. of uncut cocaine! Last time I bought your calendar I screwed up and used my former employers’ address on where to ship…..that I was “let go” from. I never did see the calender.

    Like

  29. Those baby sloths make the same noise I do when forced to wake up too early in the morning…

    Like

  30. Omg those baby sloths are just adorable!! That noise! Awwwww! I’ve never seen a dead squirrel in a ballet outfit before, but you should totally get it.

    Like

  31. hahahaha the amazon one. love blue q stuff though!!!

    Like

    Slagzy recently posted The Light Dilemma.

  32. I got Darryl from Walkibg Dead wishing me a happy birthday last time I tried the meme thing. Solid results 🙂 I vote yes to Squirellerina.

    Like

    kstewand4cats recently posted Rick? You okay,man?.

  33. 33
    evilnewwargod

    Finding out that Jenny doesn’t like to fart for me is definitely going to be the low point of my week.

    Like

  34. I am now going to show everyone I know the sloth babies video. MULTIPLE TIMES.

    Like

  35. I have the weed coin purse. I do live in Colorado though so it’s practical. Not as practical as the foot rasp though….

    Like

  36. I was making a puking reindeer sweater for our ugly sweater party! It’s the best!

    Like

  37. I saw the title of this post and thought sweet! Jenny is gonna cheer me up because the Internet isn’t doing it’s job again (which should be to make us feel good about ourselves, and to connect us with what’s going on in the world outside our caves). Hopefully I was gonna see a really witty response to the latest round of crap news or negativity-something that I could cling to when I felt like the Internet wasn’t giving me the love and adoration I deserved.

    Instead, it turns out that Google loves u Jenny! Takes an active interest in your life and even wants to help out😱 And Linkdin. And even fucking Amazon! I’m happy for you, and not jealous at all… not even a little bit. Besides, I totally think I saw MySpace checking me out the other day. U never know… I hear it’s gonna make a comeback.

    Like

    Gabriel Burkhardt recently posted My latest post will be found in the Trek.

  38. 38
    Marie Therese

    That ebay ad is just so wierd. lol.

    Like

  39. 39
    Billandjen Hughes

    The urban dictionary says…Jenny is an amazing, creative girl. She is the epitome of a goddess and anyone would kill to have her.She can do anything she sets her mind to and she’s wonderful. So us Jennys rock! Tho it is a little concerning people would kill for us…….jen

    Like

  40. Gonna go google name + meme for all the people.
    BRB…

    Like

    OwnLessDoMore.us recently posted From Hell on Wheels to competence — but still kind of working on that whole backing up thing.

  41. I watched the sloth video and my first thought was how I wanted to pick them up and snuggle them.

    My second thought was that Mama sloth probably feels the same way I do when my kids are whining at me.

    Like

  42. Confession: The internet knows me better than my own family. True story.

    Like

    Mona recently posted I may have Alzheimer’s disease. Or I may just be writing about it..

  43. I Googled my name + meme and I can’t decide which is my favourite. Possibly all the Channing Tatum pics.

    Like

    JLB Therapies recently posted December Offer!.

  44. Facebook recently suggested I join a group called ‘Going Grey Gracefully.’ Fuck you too, Facebook.

    Like

  45. HOLY SHIT I’M ON MY LAPTOP SO I CAN LEAVE A COMMENT BECAUSE OMG I DON’T KNOW MY OWN FUCKING PASSWORDS, SAMSUNG, SO WOULD YOU KINDLY SUCK A DICK! ahem Anyway. Now I have no idea what I was going to say. Fucking Samsung.

    Like

    Steph recently posted Sewing, like life, is hard..

  46. My name +meme gets me sick Anne Frank stuff. I think I need to change my name. Ewww.

    Like

  47. I am always amazed, and often mortified by what the internet suggests I need. That dead squirrel in the Ballerina costume of yours was better than anything I have ever had suggested though. LOL. But hmmm, as a DIY girl, I do have a dead,frozen squirrel laying out in my driveway right now though…it’s not horribly flattened. Maybe just a little on the chin. One of the dogs found it beside the road and brought it home for me. I might consider dressing it up at bit. 🙂

    Like

  48. Watching baby sloths is always a good idea. But even better, that video linked to Slothville.com, where you can watch a whole lot more sloth videos any time you want to. Highly recommended.

    Like

  49. My name + meme = Sean Bean saying “One does not simply try to understand Mrs. Completely”. And The Viking agreed, though I’d still like to know how Sean Bean knows me well enough to make judgements.

    Like

    Mrs. Completely recently posted How My Boobs Won Crib.

  50. Ha ha ha ha – whataburger???? Are their jobs juicy or just need to be well done? I can’t even…lol
    http://www.betterlifedesign.com

    Like

    maggiebarla recently posted The Moon Came To Visit Yesterday.

  51. 51
    MissPicciPants

    I miss the regretsy blog!

    Like

  52. That goat meme is soooo…I don’t know. It makes me feel several types of weird. And slightly unsure about life.

    Like

    Rhubarb Swank recently posted impotent rage…and holiday cards!.

  53. We all know that first one is so you. Don’t pretend you didn’t check the price. Also you are awesome!!! Love you and everyone on here

    (Guilty. ~ Jenny)

    Like

  54. 54
    Leslie O'Donnell

    Earlier today on my Facebook feed was an advertisement for beer. Multi-thousand dollar beer. The bottle of which is encased inside a taxidermied squirrel. Now, I can’t drink. I’m poor. And if a taxidermied squirrel ever appeared in my kitchen, my child would refuse to ever eat again, even if there WAS no inherent connection made between the dead animal and consuming anything. All the same, for once, I could understand why Facebook was advertising the things to me that it was. I was connected to you there. That was probably enough reason for taxidermied novelty booze.

    Liked by 1 person

  55. My name meme sucks. There’s hardly anything out there for my name. (Except that I share it with the little girl in “Land of the Lost,” which makes it harder to find something non-dinosaur related.)

    Like

  56. Jenny! They are sending you the coin purse link because of your affinity for the “Carpe the f^ck out of this diem” socks! I just saw those coin purses at my local independent bookstore (where you should totally come do a signing).

    Like

  57. Perks of having a nice but common name-you get lots and lots of memes on them!

    Like

    boisterousbrunette recently posted 14 things I will remember about 2016.

  58. That foot rasp is awesome though. Just sayin.

    Like

  59. How did I miss this? I do love the giant foot rasp.

    Liked by 1 person

    becomingcliche recently posted Home For the Holidays.

  60. My first name is BJ (yes, seriously. It’s a long story). Something tells me I shouldn’t google “BJ + meme” here at work.

    Liked by 1 person

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