This is what comes from insomnia.

A few days ago I couldn’t sleep so I decided to take the new templates on picmonkey for Christmas cards but then remake them completely for my own amusement.  They’re probably too late to get by Christmas but I thought I’d share them here because they made me laugh.

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Victor says some of these aren’t even Christmas related but I think maybe we’ve been having different Christmases.

Also, I made the 2017 Bloggess Calendar.  Whoo!  Click on the images if you wanna check any out.screen-shot-2016-12-18-at-3-15-36-pm

PS. Calendar cover image illustrated by my talented friend Joe Badon.  He is a bad-ass.

*******

And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

bloggess sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

  • Basically everything at the beginning of this post.  Just click on the images for the links.

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Melt: massage for couples. Basically it’s an instructional massage video that teaches how to give kick-ass massages with a simple, step-by-step video guide. It costs less than one professional massage and you’ll have it forever with unlimited access. You can watch the trailer here. It’s super pretty and an excellent skill to know, especially since it equips you with the training to give a kick-ass massage to your honey for the holiday.  It’s way better than a tie or a blender or a mop.  Why were you even thinking about give a mop?  That’s a terrible gift. Don’t do that. Instead watch the video. Just saying.

91 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Those are some good holiday cards. I want few of them.

    Like

  2. I want a card that asks why Moses and the other old guys had to wait so long for the baby Jesus? Just how evil were they that God waited centuries (millennia even) before he bothered to get born?

    Like

    notquiteold recently posted Teeny Tiny Joys.

  3. If it’s a holiday, and you give it to someone, then it’s a holiday card.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. […] via This is what comes from insomnia. — The Bloggess […]

    Like

  5. #1 is perfect!

    Like

  6. that first card is my life right now. and for the past several months, really. i hope it’s available in bulk.

    Like

  7. I need gift bags with Look at All the Pretty Flowers and Shit on them

    Like

  8. And the day drink ones for my coworkers

    Like

    theycallmetater recently posted My Unpopular Opinions.

  9. Jezuuz, you’re a bloody empire unto yourself, Jenny!
    And you follow ME on Twitter?
    That makes me powerful by association, right?
    Merry Christmas, my friend.

    Liked by 2 people

    The Hook recently posted Silent Sunday: Pre-Christmas Edition..

  10. I’d send those cards. No questions asked.

    Liked by 1 person

    kstewand4cats recently posted The ‘ittlest squirrel on squirrel patrol.

  11. Do you think he ever offers to massage her and she replies, “Not tonight, honey. I’m not in the mood”?

    Yeah, probably.

    Like

  12. Have been on the insomnia train myself lately, yet not as creatively as you! I mostly play the “How many hours of sleep will I get if I fall asleep now?” and binge watch HGTV.

    Like

    whatwouldgilliesdo recently posted Things I learned last week.

  13. You should sell the cards now so we can all send them to people next year cause I totally want them

    Like

  14. Victor’s wrong best holiday cards ever. Merry Chris-ma-Hana-kwanza-ka everyone

    Liked by 1 person

  15. No way I’m even looking at that calendar until January 1. I don’t want to jinx it.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. The calendar is a work of genius. I bought one for me, and one for a friend for whom 2016 was also a dumpster fire. Here’s to a brighter 2017 (and how could it not be?)

    Liked by 2 people

  17. I feel both sorry for the parrots and sorry I laughed at the parrots.

    Like

    Vanessa recently posted This Time Next Week.

  18. Love the flowers & shit. Any way to get the calendar in Canada? I must have it!

    Like

  19. I like all your cards but the first one is my favourite. I spend a lot of time deep in nature and the wording is exactly what I’ve thought on more than one occasion.

    Like

  20. I really want you to get some sleep, I do – because it’s healthy and good for you…buuuut, I also kinda don’t cause this is fucking amazing!!

    Like

    the incurable dreamer recently posted if you just believe.

  21. Bloggess. I cherish very word of your books. Funniest woman writer ever. Now I am asking for serious ? How do you handle the pangs of health diagnosis and doctors and sheer stress of it all? I was just recently diagnosed with mast cell activation and it’s odd how this also is related to my lifelong anxiety and wild headed imagination. It’s not all in my head arfterall it’s a butterball.

    So relived to have diagnosis but now struggling to find the right meds. I just want to race to er each time my heart struggles start. They scare the dickens out of me.

    Please help Lindsay

    Sent from my iPhone

    (I’m sending you love and light. I still struggle a lot with my anxiety exacerbating my my physical health and vice-versa so I rely a lot on my husband to tell me to get off Web MD and stop worrying. And sometimes I allow myself to worry but also to know that there are so many meds out there that can help. It’s hard, but it can be a good thing to get a diagnosis. ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Clearly, the flammable parrot card is for Chanukah. I hear that fireproof parrot vests are all the rage this year.

    Like

  23. Can I order some of these!? They are brilliant!

    (Sure. Just click on the images. ~ Jenny)

    Like

  24. Tell Victor not everyone celebrates Christmas and honestly there’s so much Christmas stuff out there. So really we need a break from all of that and maybe to give other people a break too

    Liked by 1 person

  25. Clearly, the flammable parrot card is for Chanukah. I hear flameproof vests for parrots are all the rage this season.

    Like

    techydad recently posted Happy 40th Birthday To My Angel!.

  26. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage…

    THE FLAMMABLE PARROTS!!!!

    I’d pay to see that.

    Like

    OwnLessDoMore.us recently posted From Hell on Wheels to competence — but still kind of working on that whole backing up thing.

  27. I don’t own calendars because I would have absolutely no excuse for knowing what the fuck day it is. Which is usually every second day. You have no idea how many opportunities I’ve missed for drinking simply because I didn’t realize it was Friday. Or Saturday.

    Liked by 1 person

    Mrs. Completely recently posted Comment on Warm Hands, Cold Ass by Mrs. Completely.

  28. Christ Comes into my house and eats all of my food – fantastic! God is up there laughing! Where do people get the creativity to think of this stuff?

    Liked by 1 person

  29. If I still sent holiday cards, I would send all of these. They are awesome.

    Liked by 1 person

    Michelle recently posted Gifts To Avoid: What Not To Buy.

  30. I love how much bizarre shit you find to amuse yourself with, and that you share it with us! I can’t believe that choir sang that carol with a straight face. Those holiday cards are hilarious, but unfortunately too many people I know would be offended by them if I gave them one for Christmas. I think I’ll get right on that now lol. Merry Christmas, Jenny!

    Like

  31. Best Christmas cards I have ever read! They are Fantasic!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  32. That second one looks like Santa is trying to haul ass away from the creepy cupids trying to assassinate him. I hope no flammable parrots were injured thus necessitating that card. That’s all I got.

    Like

    Kelly's Cancer Beat Down Blog recently posted You Might Think You Know, But You Don’t.

  33. Sorry, OT
    Love this post & your cards, Jenny. But I am trying to send THANK YOU cards-
    We may need a whole separate Post** 💡🕯
    To the Secret Santas from James Garfield Miracle –
    With gratitude and Love 🎄🎄 to Sarah & Matt💜💙
    and also to sweet Jodi 💖
    who gave Happy Holidays & a very Merry Christmas To my Dad, kitten 🐱 and Me!
    Love you All, Debra Disney
    bless you ALL 🌟🌟🌟 for bringing JOY and Happiest New Year 🎉🎊 to All the Tribe and to our Bloggess and her family ❣

    Like

  34. Can these cards come in a boxed set please? I would buy the heck out of that.

    Like

  35. LOVE #1. You should be in the business of writing cards for family/friends who are hard to buy for, like “I love you because you’re my father, but you SUCK” kind of thing.

    Like

  36. I think the reindeer on is plenty Christmassy. We’ve all been thinking that the North Pole is where Santa lives, but perhaps it’s the dive bar where Rudolph does his dancing.

    Like

    becomingcliche recently posted Home For the Holidays.

  37. Yay! I was just wondering about the calendar this morning…worries abated.

    Like

  38. Just wanted to say a heartfelt thanks to those who gifted us. It’s been a hell of a year here, and this sort of unexpected kindness is appreciated more than I can express. Xoxo.

    Liked by 3 people

  39. As usual, Victor is wrong. 😉 These cards are perfectly suited for all of the December holidays. They are non-denominational (for the most part), show winter-ish scenes, and are guaranteed to piss off at least a couple of overly-sensitive relatives. I say it’s a “win” all around!

    I do have one question, though. If I set fire to your parrot (Jeez — talk about a euphemism), will it burn for 8 nights or just the one? Enquiring minds and all that.

    Like

  40. The cards are hilarious and I’m going to check out your calendar for 2017. I love your humor!

    Like

    Lisa Orchard recently posted Christmas: My Favorite Holiday.

  41. I love the flowers one ❤
    x0x0 caroline http://thecarolove.com/

    Like

  42. Lusting over a calendar is normal, right?
    I wish I had creative insomnia. I spend my sleepless nights worrying about 2017. I’m not at all convinced shit show isn’t going to get worse.

    Like

  43. This isn’t really related to this post, but do you know about the Kindle Matchbook program? It’s where when you buy a print copy of a book, you can get a Kindle version for free or reduced price.
    This seemed like something you’d be interested in, so I thought I would let you know. 🙂
    BTW, those christmas cards are my babies. I have wanted to send something like that to my relatives soooo many times.

    Like

  44. So furiously funny!

    Now with your obviously considerable talent with tact, would it be possible to make an appropriate greeting card for a psychiatrist of six months who calls her client the wrong name during a pariticularily emotional session? Twice.

    ME: “Do you HAVE a Pamela!?”

    Liked by 1 person

  45. I think I could only hand deliver these cards. Because what fun would they be if we don’t get to see the recipients’ faces?

    Like

    Elyse recently posted Dear Electors.

  46. OK, I want ALL of these!! But since you put the Tardis on the cover of the calendar, I absolutely had to have it (and the November picture was awesome, which is the test of whether or not a calendar is worth buying, November being my birth month!)

    Like

  47. I’d love a Dorothy Barker note card collection. I simply adore that dog.

    Merry Christmas to you and your awesome family – human, animal, living and formerly living.

    Like

  48. ….. That calendar has the Dorothy Barker “boop your nose” picture!! Must have! And I love the cards, especially the first one.
    I’m currently listening to Furiously Happy on Audible for the first time. I LOVE YOUR VOICE OMG!!!

    Like

  49. I want to buy a multi-pack or two, maybe seven. Your work perfectly captures MY holiday spirit. Cheers, y’all!

    Like

    Wendy Weir recently posted You Heard It Here First.

  50. Nice! Love the parrot one

    Like

  51. Can I get a few of the first? Foot of snow, then 60s, then more snow, then 50s, now below freezing again. At least wherever there is looks consistent.

    Ordered your calendar. Seems apropos. Don’t remember seeing the caroling picture but it’s too cute.

    Like

  52. You are so creative! I had insomnia the last two nights and all I have to show for it are circles under my puffy eyes.

    Like

    susielindau recently posted Win a Handmade Christmas Card!.

  53. I just cried when I saw my birthday month in the calendar (Jan). It happens to be my favorite picture you have ever posted 😃😃😃😃😃

    Like

  54. They’re all absolutely suitable for Christmas!

    Like

    Gary Lum recently posted What would you prefer on a sandwich? Butter or dip?.

  55. I cheated and peeked at the preview images of the calendar. Was supposed to be a gift, so now I’ve gotta order more. 2017 better be a better year than 2016!

    Like

    Gabriel Burkhardt recently posted My latest post will be found in the Trek.

  56. i misread mop, thought it said map. a map would be an awesome present. i wish someone would get me an old map for winterfest.

    Like

  57. Why do the Cupids want to kill Santa? Did he give them coal in their stockings?

    Like

  58. 58
    Charity Caroline

    I love all of those so much. I don’t suppose there are any equally funny/endearing calendars without swears so I can put one in my office but still keep my job? 🙂

    Like

  59. I actually decided in the last week that I wanted to send holiday cards to my friends, after getting a few. I guess we’re old enough to do this now. But by then it was too late for Christmas or any other holiday normal people send holiday cards for, so instead I’m going to send them in January or February. Whenever I get inspired, because these things are supposed to feature a photograph of you and your family, so I need to think of something for my cat and I to do. I think I want to put him in a lion’s mane; if it’s for a holiday card photo that’s an excuse to buy one.

    Like

  60. 60
    RachelleGreene

    Best way to start the day! Love the cards, and the calendar is a must. 😀

    Like

  61. Ha! Is that deer dancing on a Festivus Pole?

    Like

    Arionis recently posted The Fork Theory.

  62. Can you actually sell them in your shop next Christmas? The reindeer one had me laughing out loud, but actually laughing out loud 😉

    Like

  63. I would LOVE to receive one of those Christmas cards in the mail. Much better than the typical “Here’s a picture of relatives you never see in a fakey winter scene” ones that we typically get.

    Like

    mommatrek recently posted Those were the worst Pop Rocks ever.

  64. Thanks Jenny. I need to get over my fear of meds. You are right no shame in that game. Started taking one that may be able to help me. Just need to quit being highly sentisized person and let my gut do what it’s designed to do.

    Like

  65. Those are awesome!!!

    Like

  66. I love the card about day drinking. Can I order those in bulk????

    Like

  67. Now just wait for the mops to come rolling in…

    Like

  68. Well, dammit. I watched the choir video and now my amazon recommendations are all Jesus stuff. WOT DID I DU?

    Like

  69. Thank you sweet baby Jebus for the calendar! I wait all year for this thing. It hangs in my office and helps me get through most of my days.

    Like

  70. Whelp. I know what everyone is getting for Christmas from me next year! I love them all. Sorry Victor.

    Like

  71. 2016 was such a bitch…I don’t want to risk buying the “I survived 2016 calendar” until January 1st.

    Like

  72. I seriously need a calendar full of Rory to get me through the next year. That little guy never fails to make me laugh hysterically, no matter how shitty I feel or when the damn assignment is due. PLEASE MAKE A RORY CALENDAR SO I CAN HANG IT IN MY UNIVERSITY OFFICE AND HORRIFY MY CONSERVATIVE COLLEAGUES WITH AWESOMENESS!!! The world needs happy racoons. Loads of them. PUT HIM IN A SANTA HAT!!!!!! With a beard!!!!! And then make small children get their photo taken with him! LIGHTBULB MOMENT: Rory bursting from a Christmas gift box…..:-D

    Like

  73. I have someone to whom I can send each of these, so they seem perfect to me!

    Like

    Talktheatretome recently posted DuckTales, whoooOOOooo.

  74. I love your art both the visual and written! If you are interested there was an interesting interview on CBC radio the show:Q. It’s about Dr.Seuss’ taxidermy art. I can’t figure out how to link it. But it can be Google

    Like

  75. This is why it’s important to address insomnia instead of letting it become the norm. If lifestyle and unhealthy sleep habits are the cause of insomnia, there are  cognitive behavioral techniques  and  sleep hygiene tips  that can help. If you have tried to change your sleep behaviors and it hasn’t worked, it’s important to take this seriously and talk to your doctor.

    Like

  76. Me and insomnia … we go waayyyy back. I keep telling it to go away. It keeps visiting me like a feral relative that I barely know. It’s awesome.

    Like

    Mona recently posted I may have Alzheimer’s disease. Or I may just be writing about it..

  77. HHMM…..have you been talking to my parrot. I told her that the business of her being a lush would get out. I won’t tell her I laughed…..otherwise I would fear for the eyes! 🙂

    Great cards!

    Like

  78. Have you seen this one?
    “Q: “What if the three wise men were women?” A: “They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, brought practical gifts, and there would be peace on earth.””

    Thanks to your post with all gifs I had my husband read, he is now doing the same. We have created a monster, keep up,the good work!

    Like

  79. I was up at 4:30 am. I made kolache. I like the Classy As Fuck card.

    Like

  80. I once saw the word “insomniac” misspelled as “insomaniac” and I thought, well, that’s apt.

    Like

  81. Love the calendar and LOVE the dress you are wearing in your November picture….mind sharing where you got it from? I’m dying for some new cute clothes…

    (Thanks! I got it from White House Black Market at least 6 years ago. Maybe more. Sorry! ~ Jenny)

    Like

  82. Choose your favourite reindeer and your favourite Wise Men gift–that’s your stripper name. Mine is Prancer Frankincense.

    Like

    mydangblog recently posted My Week 116: Holland America’s Eurodam, Mishima is Pissed, I’ve Got A Little List.

  83. K. So I was so impressed by your card ideas and they how hard they made me laugh in spite of it all, that I was inspired to share them with my counsellor (who seems to remember my name from time to time unlike my psychiatrist see above) and she did the “heh heh” fake laugh and looked at me as if she thought I was crazy.

    They’re not supposed to do that right?

    Later after a conversation with my mother, I came up with a seasonal sentiment for maybe next year’s batch:

    IF YOU PROMISE NOT TO TRY TO MAKE ME FEEL MERRY, I PROMISE NOT TO TRY TO MAKE YOU FEEL MISERABLE

    Like

  84. I need to start getting more creative during my insomnia. LOL …. hashing over my life isn’t working for me at 3am anymore.

    Like

  85. These cards are fantastic. 😂

    Like

    Shari recently posted Writers Block?.

  86. Great calendar! Ordered. ❤

    Like

  87. Ack! Not anonymous. Junem

    Like

  88. The cards are brilliant and the carol is GENIUS. Every corner of the religious spectrum in my family is laughing hysterically at Jesus eating an entire head of lettuce and microwaving the turkey bones. It was a family bonding moment in this house….behold the emotional uniting power of music. LOL

    Like

    KatieComeBack recently posted Holiday Craft-up Mash-up.

  89. You really are the best! These are brilliant.

    Like

    Amy | Toothbrush Travels recently posted My First Tattoo.

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