This morning I went to swallow a camera inside of a pill so that the doctor can find out where all my missing blood is going (my current assumption: I’m just really irresponsible) and it didn’t start well because I got there at 7am and waited for an hour because “there was a malfunction”, which is not really what you want to hear about a robot that you’re going to swallow. Eventually they fixed it and I swallowed it, starting the worst p0rno ever while simultaneously becoming part cyborg.
I was under the impression that I’d have to wear some sort of necklace that transmits the video but turns out I had to wear a giant samurai belt/fanny pack, some blue wires, and something that looks exactly like the purse made to carry the cassette walkman I had in 1984.
Also, the nurse was all, “Be careful that you don’t bang the equipment” and I was like, “I’m not even attracted to it” and she just stared at me because apparently she doesn’t understand questionable phrasing.
Then she said that I had to keep eating an all-liquid diet until this afternoon when I could have a dry sandwich but I reminded her that I couldn’t eat carbs and she was like, “You can have a small piece of meat.”
…but we didn’t have anything in the house so then I had to go to the grocery store looking as if I’d strapped a small bomb to my body. And I made Victor come with me because I didn’t want to do it alone and Victor was like, “So I’ve gotta go to grocery store with RoboCop?” and it was slightly mortifying but whenever people would stare I’d just loudly say, “I’m not sure about this sting. Do you think they’ll be able to tell I’m wearing a wire?” and then they’d stare more, but at least I was in charge of why they were staring.
I get the results in this week but based on my experience I can only assume the result will be “Nope. Let’s find something even more ridiculous to put you through.”