Not arrested. Twice.

Yesterday I was driving through the Fort Davis Mountains after dropping Hailey off at sleep away camp and I was NOT crying even though I wanted to because 2 weeks is a long time and stop judging me so I decided to distract myself so I was loudly belting out Amy Winehouse’s Valerie when suddenly two enormous turkey vultures decided they hated me and dive-bombed my car and then I screamed, “WTF” and I started going faster because birds were attacking me and then I got pulled over and had to explain to the police officer that yes, I was speeding but I had a good reason because birds, and the cop was like, “Well, that’s new” but then he saw the claw mark on my roof and I offered him an umbrella to keep the vultures from pecking out his eyes but then suddenly the vultures were gone because of course they fucking were but I think I gave the cop a headache because after he was very certain I was sober he decided to let me off with a warning because I’m not sure he wanted to meet me again in traffic court.

Well, fuck. #roadtrip

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on

And then I got back home last night and today I was taking the garbage out through the garage but the door locked behind me and Victor is out of town so the only people inside were cats who were very unhelpful and I didn’t have my phone to call anyone so I tried the windows but none were open and the cats were just looking at me like I was insane and then I fell into the bushes and then the security guard drove up and was like, “Ma’am?  Can I help you?”  And also I was barefoot and wearing cat pajamas.  Did I mention that?  And I couldn’t prove that I lived there because all I had was a bag of trash and I was like, “I know what this looks like but why would I bring trash to break into a house?” and he sort of stared at me, probably because actually that’s a great way to break into a house because you look like you’re totally not a prowler and you can fill your trash bag with valuables.  Luckily though the guard recognized me because I’m the lady who’s always yelling at those swans outside my house and he offered to call a locksmith but then I remembered that the back door was unlocked and then I DIDN’T GET ARRESTED FOR TWO DAYS IN A ROW.

WIN.

167 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Some weeeeeird shit happens out there in the Davis Mountains.

    And now it’s you.

    Liked by 5 people

    OwnLessDoMore.us recently posted Doing more: We went to the roller derby!.

  2. Keep trying! If you work at it, you’ll get arrested one day! I believe in you!

    Liked by 17 people

  3. Wow! Sounds like an adventure. I was really wondering what happened after the cop video. Glad he was nice and gave you a warning. Perhaps you should take a buddy to pic Hailey up from camp.:)

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You make me so happy.

    Like

  5. Way to go! And you didn’t even need bail money. Or foe us to fly a drone over and drop you a file or anything!!! Cake all around!!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Claw marks on the roof? FOR REAL? Wow. Impressive.

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Thanks for those amazing stories. I was in need of a good laugh!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Cracking. Up. (Me, not you.) I especially love that he recognized you from your earlier bird-related conflict, which was not the one that got you pulled over. I’m sensing a theme… do the birds hate you for a reason?

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Nothing ruins a day like an activated light bar in your rear view mirror.

    Like

    desertcurmudgeon recently posted The Matriarch.

  10. My 15-year-old is on a two week trip with his dad (my ex). I totally cried.

    Like

  11. Aw Jenny, I feel you. Story of my life. Glad you are safe,
    home and hunkered down inside today. After all that, I would definitely take a day off:)

    Like

  12. Claw marks on my roof – good one girl! Gonna use that!

    Like

  13. So proud.

    Like

  14. You are winning Jenny. It sounds like you were in a Hitchcock movie. Hopefully, after the last post, you had lots of podcasts to listen to.

    Liked by 1 person

    Gary Lum recently posted How to make the most of 4 nights in Cairns.

  15. Score!

    Like

  16. Hilarious… And yes, no arrests, ALWAYS a Win!

    Like

  17. 17
    Golfinggrannie

    Well done! It’s not evereyone who can do it two days in a row!

    Like

  18. 18
    Patty Morrissey

    I’m noting you were sober for the first incident but don’t mention it one way or the other on the 2nd one. Blows my theories about your life escapades all together.

    Like

  19. Thank God you’re not black.

    Liked by 4 people

    Karen recently posted the next 50 needs more good food.

  20. This is the best story ever. I’m crying. This is what happens when they leave you unattended. Ps I once had to break into my own house when my mom locked us out when I was 14. My moms window was broken but that was ok because it lead to the dogs yard and no one was getting past him. So here I am climbing through the window when the dog head butts me through and I go flying. When I open the front door my moms on the ground crying and laughing about to pee her pants. In fairness the dog was just trying to help.

    Liked by 3 people

  21. I love you, that is all!

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Happy you lived to tell the stories

    Like

  23. On the plus side I’m sure you were wide awake after getting pulled over. Nothing to get your heart pumping like seeing those lights come on behind you lol.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. My daughter was not amused at my unctrollavle giggling as I read this as she is trying to sleep on my stomach, but in my defense I really needed a good laugh. I’m staying with relatives in Minnesota and accidentally started writing a book about the experience and this is a good reminder to not take myself or all the ridiculousness too seriously.

    Liked by 1 person

  25. 25
    Debra Crosby

    West Texas is just weird. We’re going out there next week. I hope the vultures have calmed down by then! Glad you are always finding ways to celebrate the bizarre! Keep up the good (weird) work.

    Like

  26. Turkey vultures can be real assholes.

    I seem to recall a similar photo from a previous trip…

    Like

  27. There is always tomorrow.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. Should Victor be letting you out of the house? What am I saying? OF COURSE he should- we need the stories. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  29. P.S. And that’s why VICTOR should take out the trash! 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  30. 30
    Judi Waldeis

    This is fantastic, I wish I lived your life, it sounds fun! I believe there are no swans in Ohio, at least not where I live, unless you go to the zoo. People get uptight if you yell at animals at the zoo! Just saying! Of course I also live in the vicinity of the central Ohio city that people thought they saw a bonobo monkey, but alas it was a fox! Who in the hell mistakes a fox for a mother fucking monkey! Perhaps the fox rolled around in mud and decided to act like a monkey! Then I could understand that…foxes can be very, well, foxy that way!

    Liked by 2 people

  31. #whiteprivilege Had you been a POC you may not have lived to share these stories. They are funny, but only because you got through them alive & unscathed.

    (Agreed. ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 5 people

  32. Vultures love to eat cars

    Liked by 1 person

  33. 33
    fallconskat

    And all I have for today is “I’ve been awake for 38 hours now!” and “thank god the new stove was delivered!” (The stove/broiler on the old one stopped working. The weekend before last. It was SUPPOSED to be delivered the 5th.)

    Liked by 2 people

  34. Vultures are assholes. Everyone knows that so you would never get arrested because of them. A question that’s always bothered me is “how putrified does something have to be before a vulture won’t eat it?” Now THAT’S a threshold.

    Like

    mydangblog recently posted My Week 146: I Need To Learn German, Happy Anniversary!.

  35. Two narrow escapes from prison AND DEATH! I call that a win!

    Like

  36. And my wife thinks I have bad luck / weird things happen to me. Nice to know it’s not just my little corner of the universe where crazy shit happens.

    Like

  37. I’m sorry… I blanked as soon as I read “cat pajamas”. NEED SOME.
    PS– Good damn thing you don’t drive a convertible!

    Liked by 1 person

    whatwouldgilliesdo recently posted I’m SO introverted….

  38. Maybe the swans have hired some hit vultures to take care of you? That might explain the attack.. You might want to be a little nicer to the swans.. they seem to be “connected “

    Liked by 3 people

  39. 39
    Petunia Sunscreen

    Jenny – the best investment I ever made was in one of those realtor-type lock boxes. You can get them at any warehouse home improvement store, and, though this time was a false alarm, you’ll sleep better knowing that it is forever impossible to lock yourself out. Well, at least in such a way that you don’t require the breaking of windows or bashing down doors, TV Hero-style.

    Liked by 1 person

  40. You are in that cycle. And I can attest to been there done that. Glad the incidents turned out ok. Keep being happy and smiling!! Take good care. ❤️

    Like

  41. First: Please post a picture of the claw marks on the roof of your car.
    Second: Let’s go for three days in a row – go annoy a cop but not enough to get arrested.

    Liked by 1 person

  42. I just love the entries where I quite literally laugh out loud and then am forced to try to explain to my significant other why I am snorting and giggling. I’m glad you weren’t arrested. I never saw the vultures actually dive bomb vehicles. I wonder if you’d accidentally run over their dinner (since you were trying not to cry, and all). But the claw mark on the car was definitely evidence.

    Like

  43. You told a whole story in one sentence, bravo!

    Like

  44. hehehe you have ALLL the friggin luck!

    Like

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  45. Pajamas with cats on them or pajamas for cats? It’s hard to tell with you, Jenny.

    Liked by 2 people

    Wolf of Words recently posted Horror.

  46. Great job not getting arrested two days in a row! I think this calls for a clebrationn. And I just wanted you to see how badly I spell celebration when I am laughing and typing on my iPad screen. Hahahaha

    Like

  47. At least you’ve never locked yourself in your own laundry room. That happened to me back in December 2010.

    Basically, I was trying to fix the pocket door that our dog had knocked off the track. I ended up pulling the door too far and then couldn’t get it slide back. Had to climb into the laundry sink and out the window over the sink. Then realized I couldn’t get back in the house because the side door was locked. But the back door was open. The only problem was that the back gate of our privacy fenced yard was padlocked and the keys were in the house. Also, I was barefoot.

    I ended up climbing the privacy fence, jumping down into the backyard, and going in through the back door. I was able to get the laundry room door open (but not back on the damn track). Oh, and to make matters worse, my husband was out of town, so if I hadn’t been able to climb the fence, I’d have had to call a locksmith.

    Like

  48. I’m starting to wonder if this is all an avian plot. Too many birds seem to be out to get you these days. . .

    Like

  49. 49
    Patti Morfeld

    I’m disappointed this post didn’t end in a request for bail money or new jammies.

    Like

  50. This is the best thing I’ve read today. 😂

    Like

  51. I ALWAYS get a ticket when pulled over. I’ll try the turkey vulture excuse next time.

    Like

    susielindau recently posted Scotland’s Culloden House, Loch Ness and Barb Taub’s Arran Island – Photo Essay.

  52. What didn’t you listen to while you were driving and not getting arrested?

    Like

  53. I love it when I don’t get arrested!

    Like

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  54. I’m celebrating your win with you. Thank you for this much needed and appreciated heart-smile smack dab in the middle of my day.

    Like

  55. Yikes….. that’s all I can really say.

    Like

    Dann Alexander recently posted The Declining Value of Music.

  56. Wow. Your life is completely 😲

    Like

  57. 57
    Joan Q Horgan

    So basically Victor and Hailey have been saving up babysitting and second job monies for your bail. You’re lucky. My man gave me a card with a bail bondsman phone number on it and said “good luck inside – you know they don’t allow smoking or have real meat ” – at which point I started crying and almost crashed into the garbage truck while I peaked out of the driveway … you’re lucky – no really!!

    Like

  58. Did you actually end up with that taxidermied squirrel? Bc that might trigger a buzzard attack on your car.

    Like

  59. What are the odds of not getting arrested TWO DAYS IN A ROW!
    If anyone else made this claim I’d think they were fibbing.

    Like

  60. I love you, you crazy cat burglar.

    Like

    Karen (formerly kcinnova) recently posted News from the one left behind.

  61. OMG Jenny, Only you….

    Like

    The Hellion recently posted I Couldn’t Wait To Shave My Legs…..

  62. Also, that was totally said with fondness. I’ve been pulled over in the hill country for speeding and it had nothing to do with being vultures. I just wanted to get home sooner than later. And I got a ticket. (My only one ever.)

    Like

    Karen (formerly kcinnova) recently posted News from the one left behind.

  63. I do not know if it is timing; or maybe I just feel like this a lot; but just when I think I’m going to slip into the abyss you write something that makes me laugh and I emerge out of the darkness.
    I was diagnosed with RA last year and every day is like….well, as you there is major suffering involved with very little relief. I just wanted you to know you make a difference every single day; thank you for that. Just, thank you.

    Like

  64. Every day is a new adventure with you. Watch out for those turkey vultures!

    Like

  65. I once saw monkeys rip the vinyl roof of a car and pee down the windshield, so I’m sure vultures could do some damage. Also, an ostrich tried to peck off my nose.

    Like

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  66. Would be more impressed if you had been in the Rik!

    Like

  67. I just hope you never stop singing loudly with Amy Winehouse, ESPECIALLY if it’s “Valerie”. I love to do that, too.

    Like

  68. Would be more impressive if you had been in the rik

    Like

  69. Only you, hon. Only you! 🙂 🙂 ❤ ❤ ❤

    Like

  70. You are a gift to the world.

    Like

  71. So he doesn’t remember you from the 5″ Cock you put on your doorstep for Victor, but he remembers you yelling at swans?

    Like

  72. Really good thing I did was change two doors to those locks you just punch numbers into and it unlocks. No keys. Do it.

    Liked by 1 person

  73. You REALLY know how to live!!!! Btw- cat pajamas are the BEST!
    So what did you end up listening to up and back from dropping your daughter off at camp?

    Like

  74. Did the kid go to Prude Ranch? Great camp!

    Like

  75. Jenny, you’re the cat’s pajamas. Also the queen of justifiably run-on sentences. Good luck not getting arrested today!

    Like

    dodo recently posted How to Get Girls, Part 3.

  76. So…I’m going to caveat this story by reminding everyone that I’m from GA originally. I’m 17 driving my dad’s Ford Ranger, you know, the really lightweight one with a V6. I get caught speeding on the back road my boyfriend lives on. Came over the hill, saw the cop when he saw me. I was screwed or so I thought since not only was I speeding but my wallet with driver’s license was at my boyfriend’s house in the pocket of his letterman’s jacket. Oops. I pull over at the bottom of the hill. I can see my boyfriend’s driveway just up the road. Cop pulls over behind me, comes up to the window and says ma’am, can we move just up the road, your back tire isn’t completely on the shoulder because there’s a creek about 3′ down this ravine.? I comply, start the truck up, put it in gear, and attempt to move. Remember my comment about this truck being lightweight? Well the bed especially has no weight and is rear wheel drive. At that point, I tell the officer that my boyfriend house is right there (pointing) and ask to go get him to see if we can put stuff in the bed to get enough weight to get traction. Miraculously he lets me (this was the early 90s). While there, I retrieve his jacket so I have my wallet and stuff. He comes down with a friend and they hop in the bed hoping ~300 or so pounds would work. Nope. BF and friend go back to see if his dad has anything we can put in the bed to help. Officer is passing the time asking what year I’m in (senior)) and hearing this, asks if I know his sister or sister’s best friend. Sure enough, knew the best friend. About that time BF comes back and says they don’t have anything to help. Because this is GA, all the patrol cars have cattle guards because of the deer and occasional loose cow, so they have real bumpers. And the Ranger was an 87, so it had a real bumper too. Cop decides to see if he can push me enough to get back on the pavement with his patrol car. It worked. At this point, the officer has decided I’m a nice girl and since I knew Renee, he’d caused me enough mental anguish getting my daddy’s truck stuck, so he didn’t write me a ticket. Phew, what a relief. My father would have hit the roof and taken my keys.

    Like

  77. Apparently I act so incredibly guilty when I get pulled over for some mundane thing like a barely expired inspection that the trooper has to run my name through allllll the systems to find out what I’m hiding. I mean, if a cop asks if there are any outstanding warrants for your arrest, the right answer must be, “I don’t think so….” right? How does that seem suspicious? The cop comes back looking all bemused and out of sorts and says, “You’ve never done anything.” Well, yeah thanks.

    Like

  78. swans and vultures huh…perhaps we should discuss your problems with fowl?

    Like

  79. Good job on not being arrested. Birds are weird lately. A crow flew directly at my windshield while I was on the highway. My mom and I both screamed and I may have closed my eyes a little which was bad because I was the one driving.

    Like

    kstewand4cats recently posted Friday Zen.

  80. Lord love a duck, Jenny. Thank you for the huge laugh! (And don’t feel bad, my son – who is technocally an adult but lives at home – was away in Austin for four days and I couldn’t sleep a wink because he wasn’t here.)

    Like

  81. Darn cats and their lack of opposable thumbs!!
    Glad you made it back in.
    I’ve locked myself out of my house so many times I finally put a key on the dog’s collar.

    Like

  82. 82
    Melanie Sinclair

    Thank you Jenny, I am so grateful you were not killed by vultures, and that you wear cat pajamas. Woe betide anyone fookish enough to arrest you!

    Like

  83. This is kind of a creepy coincidence, but I haven’t been arrested in two days, either!

    Liked by 1 person

  84. 84
    melwin7777

    Holy crap, I would have been freaking out about the birds. I hit 3 birds in Kansas on a road trip to Colorado and now I’m afraid to drive through the middle of nowhere, because that’s where birds like to fall from the sky. Glad you didn’t get arrested twice!

    Like

  85. 85
    Barbara in Colorado

    Congratulations? I’m guessing you can congratulate someone for not getting arrested, but then, I haven’t been arrested in like 60 years, and nobody ever congratulated me.

    Like

  86. Obviously, the cats wouldn’t let you in, you stole their pajamas!

    Like

  87. Up top buddy. You totally should start an online course on how to not get arrested two days in a row.

    Like

  88. The thing is, those cats could’ve opened the door if they really to.

    Liked by 1 person

  89. I just absolutely adore you – cat pajamas and all. So glad the vultures didn’t get you!

    Like

  90. Nothing says “Oh, Hello Officer” like getting pulled over for being lost a shit and speeding while trying to figure out where you are. It gets better when your stupid car sick black lab sticks his head out the window drooling heavily and wanting pats from the nice stranger who must have come just to pet him. The officer just giggled and helped me find my way while avoid the drool like it was acid. No ticket and I got where I was going without dog puke all over the back seat. Win Win.

    Like

    celebrenithil recently posted I’m also learning Japanese….There’s lots of learning going on right now..

  91. Did the officer think you were a cat burglar? Would have made complete sense, but then he probably would have arrested you for dressing like a cat to steal cats.

    Like

  92. Oh my word…..Jenny….maybe you’re STEALING YOUR OWN BLOOD and you don’t even know it!!!!!! Instead of swallowing a tiny camera, you need to strap a Go-Pro on yourself and see what you’ve been up to when you don’t know what you’ve been up to.

    ps: way to go on not being arrested twice in a row. I think that’s a record. oxoxoxoxo

    Like

    LadyPamelaRose recently posted I’m A Happy Hippy, Part 2.

  93. Nice. Averted the authorities 2 days in a row. You probably could go professional.

    Like

  94. You are hillarious !!! Thank You for all you write and say 🙂

    Like

  95. 95
    Mandie Hines

    Hahaha I love the way you relay these stories. But let’s be honest, don’t you think the uniform for cat burglars would in fact be cat pajamas? I’m surprised he didn’t arrest you.

    Like

  96. Waiting with great anticipation to hear how you describe your insurance claim to the insurance company. Because you will, won’t you? Oh please do!

    Like

  97. Wait a minute. Do you mean to say that you’re alone? I mean it’s only you and the cats and Dottie? Who thought THAT was a good idea? You guys are capable of absolutely anything! I fear for all of us.

    Like

  98. Well, for future reference if you do get arrested, #TheBloggessTribe will totally bail you out😘💕

    Like

  99. Have you read Foy by Gordon Atkinson? A lot of it’s set in Fort Davis. Plus you and the author are practically neighbors.

    Like

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  100. I fucking love you, Jenny. I’ve been drinking wine slushies all day except for the slushie part , and you have totally made my day. And probably yours, too. Not getting arrested two days in a row is a TOTAL win! Have a wine slushie on me. 💋💋💋

    Like

  101. Well.
    Fuck.
    That’s a good two days in my book.

    Like

  102. If it makes y ou feel any better, those vultures weren’t attacking YOU, they were seeing a reflection in the top of your car that lookedl ike Other Vultures in their territory and they were all, ‘hey, let’s get those bad trespassing vultures”…i’ve had owls swoop down over my car just the same way, and a ruffed grouse who was convinced that my car was harboring an interloping Other Grouse.

    so at least that ain’t personal.

    Like

  103. Damn, that’s some fast paced shit!

    Like

    Mark Howells recently posted Straight Line to Nowhere.

  104. Now I want to start a new blog called YELLING AT SWANS.

    Like

    Kathleen recently posted Hand Me Ups.

  105. Did anyone else think of “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas”?
    “Can’t stop here. This is turkey vulture country” 🙂

    Like

  106. Omg I was cracking up throughout this entire post!! The things you get yourself into, Jenny… Craziness!

    Like

  107. Sometimes being YOU has its perks!

    Like

  108. I really want to hear you explain the claw mark when you go to trade the car in.
    Keys. As a single person this is my #1 nightmare. It’s not enough to think the keys are in my pocket or purse when leaving the apt. I must feel them hear them jingle- but usually I pull them out and LOOK at them. Only then do I take my foot out of the doorway.
    Golden Rule: Keys and the trash can never be in the same hand. Our dumpster is deep. I make myself SLOW WAAAAY DOWN and actually look at the keys, watch myself put them in a pocket before the dumpster is approached. I watch my hands to make sure I don’t have keys or other valuables in them, when taking trash out.
    There’s a similar ritual for leaving the car, that I must handle and see the keys before the door can close. Comedy may be ‘tragedy plus time’ but I’m not laughing yet at being locked out in the past.

    Like

  109. No one has dared to mention all those dolls in your house, but… how much do they know about your schedule?

    Like

  110. I was watching the old movie “The Egg and I” tonight. Near the end, the crazy old lady showed up and started telling the story about her giant chicken, Charlotte, who grew “higher than a man.” When she got to the part where Charlotte knocked on the door, all I could think was, “Knock, knock motherfucker.”

    Glad you weren’t arrested. Twice.

    Like

  111. My 10 year old locked me and his three siblings and himself and also the cat and dog out of the house today. On purpose. Because he was mad that I was making everybody pick raspberries. Except HAHA FOOLED HIM because our front door doesn’t actually lock.

    Liked by 1 person

  112. I have been wondering about the details of the vulture story. My husband was like, they can’t give you a warning for hitting a bird by accident and I was like, cops… 😠
    I didn’t realize speeding was involved. Glad he didn’t give you a ticket. Also glad you were able to get back in the house. I have been locked out and it was humiliating.

    Like

  113. 114
    Athena Demetriades Hartwig

    Ah I so understand your pain except for me it was a bee in the car ( and I’m deathly allergic) and I opened all the windows and sunroof and it wouldn’t leave! Then I was speeding trying to get to somewhere a person was so if it stung me I wouldn’t be alone when I stopped breathing because the epi pen wasn’t where it’s supposed to be . I pulled into a driveway and up to a farmers house jumping out of the car as a cop pulls in behind me! So I rush the cop in relief crying OMG you have to save me from the bee! I think I freaked him out! He had to open all the doors and the back hatch to try and get it out. We weren’t able to find the epi- pen so I think he started believing I was full of crap and wrote me a ticket.
    When I went to court I took all my bee related stuff and a note from my Dr and it all was dropped ( thank God) but I sooo understand how freaky it can get you!

    Like

  114. Even worse is when you are housesitting and lock yourself out. YIKES. This was the only time that I had ever had a nearby friend with a key…..but I had no phone and had to accost a stranger in the street and convince her to let me call for help on her cell phone.

    Like

  115. 116
    LInda Reid

    Only you would have the cajones to take a photo of the cop car that was telling you to pull over. You’re one of a kind. Thanks for the laugh.

    Like

  116. 117
    Anonymous

    This has nothing to do with not being arrested, although good job! I think I know the camp in Fort Davis. I think it’s the one that my mom worked at when she was in college. This coming Monday would have been her 70th birthday, but she died at 41 from breast cancer when I was 10. I’m not sure why, but knowing that your daughter goes to the same camp makes me really happy at the same time that I’m particularly sad that I don’t have my mom here.

    Like

  117. Turkey vultures are ASSHOLES. Glad you didn’t get arrested though. ❤

    Like

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  118. This has nothing to do with not being arrested, although good job! I think I know the camp in Fort Davis. I think it’s the one that my mom worked at when she was in college. This coming Monday would have been her 70th birthday, but she died at 41 from breast cancer when I was 10. I’m not sure why, but knowing that your daughter goes to the same camp makes me really happy at the same time that I’m particularly sad that I don’t have my mom here.

    Like

  119. 120
    Anonymous

    Wildlife HATES cars out there! My husband and I had a male deer stampede down a mountain and try to head butt the side of our car. We had to speed up to miss him! You are not alone. 🙂
    -Teresa

    Like

  120. No arrests and you are highlighted in a Buzzfeed article about the best prime day deals…..
    https://www.buzzfeed.com/mallorymcinnis/here-are-all-the-best-amazon-prime-day-deals?origin=pdp-feed&utm_term=.syE00b5n2Y#.rgoXXl1Ko2 Woohoo!!! Anyone that wanted a book, now is a time to scoop one up

    Like

  121. I’m so glad you didn’t get arrested, twice. It would take me forever to crochet a cake with a nail file in it. I’ve only just got the hang of granny squares for a blanket.

    Like

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  122. The word is out in the avian community that you are a collector of taxidermyized animals. The fact that you only collect ones that have died of natural causes is obviously lost on them.

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  123. You need a sign for the kitchen wall. “Jenny has now gone [fill in number] of days arrest-free” and you can fill t in every day.

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  124. OK, so first – cats are assholes. Mine probably would have been annoyed that I woke them and then looked away in disgust. Totally useless animals, except for the purring head butts! Maybe get a Lassie dog. At least it could rescue you when needed.
    Second, cat pajamas are totally cute. How do Ferris and Hunter S. feel about you wearing their pajamas? Could that be the reason they didn’t lift a paw to help you?
    Third, how old is your car that vultures mistook it for a rotting carcass?? I think you need some new wheels, Jenny!
    Congrats on avoiding the slammer X 2. You’re pretty awesome.

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  125. Woo hoo! Woo fucking hoo! :^D

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  126. I recently locked myself out on our townhouse’s back deck, which does not have stairs to the ground. During a weekday. In my pajamas. Without my cell phone. With brownies in the oven. I had to disassemble our hammock stand and throw the metal pieces at the neighbor’s sliding glass door.

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  127. 128
    Christine Tetreault

    Speaking from experience, there were times when my poor, long-suffering husband, Terry (aka Saint Terry of Goldenrod) told me he was going out of town on business where I suspected he was simply heading to the local Marriott to have a couple of (well deserved) peaceful days away from the crazy show waiting for him at home. Sounds like Alex might have a similar modus operandi.

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  128. Always looking on the bright side of things!!

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  129. Sounds like you keep the police busy in your area!

    Like

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  130. Just when you thought “claw mark on my roof” could never be a good thing, Jenny goes on a road trip! So…yay? I guess?

    Like

  131. Seriously, so funny, thanks for the uplift. also, how are you going to get the clawmark out of your roof? Is there special paint to take that out, because, those have to be massive scratches!

    Like

  132. 133
    Karen Vollmar

    You are the most hilarious person I read. I wish you were my friend in real life.

    Like

  133. Thank you for making me laugh every day. I wish I could hug you. (Sorry, that sounds weird huh? ) I promise I’m not a stalker-just eternally grateful.

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  134. It’s a start.

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  135. I was just writing about how Yesterday must have known I would be having a bad day today because it sowed some seeds to cheer me up. Like how I was telling my friend (yesterday) that driving to Marfa seems like a good idea, only I better pay that Jeff Davis County speeding ticket first, until she reminded me that last summer I made her sit in the car because she was in her bathing suit so I could go into the courthouse to pay the thing. That was good news, but what really cheered me up was that today I came here (because I’m having a bad day) and found your post from Yesterday. These little synchronous moments make me feel like I’m doing all right.

    Like

  136. Could you post a pic of the vulture claw marks?? I’m SO gonna copy those on my car roof for future speeding stops. Glad no bail was needed but you know we would have been there for you.
    PS, no home should be without a hidden key! Of course whenever I’ve needed mine it had been moved by my teenage son so eventually I had to hide another key he didn’t know about. But then I couldn’t remember where I hid the 2nd key so I broke down and had DH install one of the push-button number locks on the basement entrance. Now I just have to hope the door from the basement to the living area isn’t locked from the inside, SMH. LOVE your stories!

    Like

  137. If you get arrested, would you write from jail?

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  138. 139
    Diana Adamson

    Third time’s the charm!

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  139. Good recovery on both accounts! One time I WAS crying and driving (isn’t that a song or a band or something?) and the dude who pulled me over (the crying got worse at that point) was convinced someone was beating me. Nope. Just having a day, sir. Still wrote me the damn ticket. I wish a turkey vulture would have paid him a visit. PS Lol at the lady in the bush wearing cat pajamas.

    Like

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  140. 141
    Anonymous

    Just had to tell you what you did to me last night. I was lying in bed next to my husband reading Furiously Happy. I get to the Cat Lamination chapter and completely lose it. I try to tell my husband about it but I keep on laughing hysterically. Can barely get out the words “cat lamination” out of my mouth. I’m sobbing, I’m laughing so hard. I offer to red it to him but I can’t speak without peals of laughter. He asked me not to read it to him as he wants to read the book next. So I finish the book, hand it to him and settle down to go to sleep. But I keep thinking about Cat Lamination and start cracking up all over again. Even my nose was running from laughing and crying so hard. And it’s all your fault! I haven’t laughed that hard in ages. Thank you. Now I just gave to convince hubby to hurry up and finish the book he’s currently reading so that he can read your book. The conversation you shared on cat lamination us the kind of obe that he and I would have. Which is part of the reason I found it so funny. It’s good to know there are other people in the world with the same perspective on the world. ❤

    Like

  141. As a policeman, I can tell you why you weren’t arrested. We never arrest hot chicks. I think it’s a law.

    Like

  142. Always a good day when you DON’T get arrested.

    Like

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  143. I got pulled over by the cops once. They wanted my driver’s license, registration and insurance. I handed it over and he looks at the stuff and says “Your insurance is expired.” Deadpan. No expression on his face at all. His eyeballs didn’t even move. I said there must be a mistake. He said “No mistake.” So I grabbed my cheque book (yes, I had a cheque book back then and yes, that’s the way you spell ‘cheque’ in Canada) out of my purse and started going through the duplicates searching for the insurance payment. Oh. And I was crying too. And I was blaming my husband the entire time even though it was my responsibility but the cop didn’t know that. I finally found the duplicate cheque and shoved it at the cop who, suddenly, became nice again. BTW……he’s known me since I was 6 years old. He let me go with a warning to get my new insurance documents in the car. I called him a ‘Bastard’ as I drove away. He waved and said he’d see me at Bingo on Wednesday night. That was the last time I’ve been pulled over by the cops. Except now, since I’ve said that, I’ll get pulled over a dozen time. Sigh.

    Liked by 1 person

    Mrs. Completely recently posted Just Tie the Knot, Already!.

  144. Ohmyfuckinggawd! I ALSO did NOT get arrested, two days in a row! Well, to be perfectly honest, I also didn’t speak with any cops. 🤔🤓

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    emelle28 recently posted Roles I played "today".

  145. i TOTALLY got attacked by a bird today, too!
    or.. well.. i guess it got attacked by my kitchen? it flew in of it’s own free will.. but then kinda hit the wall i guess and fell into a corner and stayed there making reeeaallly creepy noises..
    all i could see from my vantage point on the kitchen island was this massive wing, so you just know it’s gotta be HUGE i was sure it was a bird of prey even hitchcock wouldn’t of wanted in his films…
    but then the rescue people came (i thought they were there to rescue me from the bird, but apparently they thought they were rescuing a bird from me.. ) and they totally laughed at me because it is a type of bird called a “mauersegler” and they are tiny and kinda cute, but they have massive wings to float around on and thus can’t take off from the ground.. so thats why he was just flopping around. he was fine, just bored of walking around my kitchen and ready to get back to the sky. probably ended up chirping to all his bird friends “how do people DO THAT all day, i mean.. i was there like two hours and was bored outta my beak..”

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  146. When my niece went into labor, she tried to open the door to go to the hospital but the door knob fell off and she couldn’t get it back on and couldn’t get the door open. She had to climb out a window. My sister and her husband went to the hospital and stayed with her until her baby was born. My brother in law then went to my niece’s apartment and climbed in the window so he could fix the door. The police arrived and weren’t convinced that he hadn’t broken in to steal everything. Fortunately for him, my niece had a family photo on the wall. He showed the police that he was in the photo so they helped him fix the door knob because it would have been very strange that a burglar that looked exactly like the man in the photo had broken in.

    Liked by 1 person

  147. “Cats were looking at me like I was insane”. I can totally see that. It’s good to have a sense of humor about things. Thanks for the laughs.

    Like

  148. On a cold, dark UK night my Dad, in a long black raincoat, was hunched over his front door, struggling with the temperamental lock and swearing. Ten minutes later he was inside, but the police arrived on the doorstep saying they’d had a report of an attempted break-in. My Dad refused to tell him his name, give them any ID or agree that he lived there – ’cause they were police, y’know? It was only my sister coming to the door with his driving licence that stopped him getting arrested.

    Liked by 1 person

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  149. 150
    Anonymous

    Love it 😍

    Like

  150. 151
    Anonymous

    I once convinced a cop that my car was possessed by satan and that’s why I was getting pulled over for speeding for the ten millionth time. I was only going around 98-100 mph at 2 am and I was sober. Satan and the car made me do it!

    Liked by 1 person

  151. This thread is like the plot of Inherent Vice.

    Like

  152. Even if it had been the truth they never would have believed me. They would likely take me to the funny farm for incarceration. Since it is Texas they would probably just shoot me which would be an easy out for all involved.

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  153. Woohoo! Congrats on not getting arrested twice. That’s way more than I accomplished in two days!

    Like

  154. Only you, Jenny. Only you can get into so much trouble and yet get away with it.

    Like

    Sandra Cormier recently posted "RESONATOR".

  155. Oh Jenny this was hilarious! I’m glad you didn’t get arrested. It’s made one hell of a story though. And I hope you get the rats out of your yard.

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  156. A column in this month’s AAA Magazine specifically mentions that damage to your car from wildlife is COVERED, so get that vulture-claw scratch re-painted so it doesn’t rust.
    The guys at the body shop are sure to appreciate this story.

    Like

  157. 158
    Anonymous

    I have a ridiculous story for you: started going to a new psychologist. Really like her. My friend and I were talking about her and we decided to look up her social media accounts. Of course she pretty much has everything locked down. Except for some pics and they are mostly selfies or her and her husband. But there’s one pic that made me realize in a hot second I shouldn’t have looked her up. Its a pic of her back yard over looking the neighborhood and I see my mother truckin’ HOUSE and CAR in the background!!! Fuck. So for a month now, when I go into my sessions I’m like.. does she know? I mean my address is on the intake form but omg. I can see her back porch from my front yard. Now I’m paranoid.. is she watching me trying to watch her?! bahahaha

    Like

  158. 159
    Anonymous

    Sooo… now imagine the same stories if you were a black male.

    Sorry, what a Debbie downer, but that’s all i could think of when reading your otherwise hilarious story!

    Like

  159. I love this because this is totally something I would do. Haha

    Like

  160. Is the streak still going?

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  161. 162
    Sally Leonard

    Jenny, your readers are ALMOST as funny as you are!! I always read all the comments on your posts so I can have extra laughs!

    Like

  162. I would have totally freaked. I would have thought that Alfred Hickcock’s movie, ‘The Bird’s, had come to life. A word of advice, every time I get pulled over by the police I automatically start crying. ( Mainly because I know a ticket is more than I can afford.) After they run my license and find out I’m not wanted for any reason, they can’t get away from me fast enough.

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  163. Cops must love you if only for the stories they get to tell when they get home. “She was totally weird, but she didn’t seem dangerous and it wasn’t a murder scene, so I’m putting this in the ‘positive experience’ column.”

    Like

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  164. Sometimes bad things happen and they’re unexplainable too.

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  165. 166
    New R&B Fan

    AMY WINEHOUSE’S VALERIE HELPS ME EMOTIONALLY, TOO

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  166. Jenny, hello, I pre-ordered the coloring book some time ago. I have mine but why not try to get a free one sent to me to share with someone else. Hope I am posting in the right area. And having issues with your computer is stressful. I recently was told about a couple, this past Saturday, who was on a bike ride in honor of their son who passed from a drug overdose on July 10th. During this ride they pulled out in front of a truck. Both were killed. The stepdad immediately and the mom later that day. It was her 51st birthday. They were going to raise their grandson who is 8 and his mother is in prison. They also have an 18 yr old who was behind them and witnessed it all. Sharing this only because you wanted something to make you feel better about the computer. I have friends going through different issues. When I think of this family it made me realize that there is always some life experience happening around me that makes me wish I had never felt stressed about the smaller things in life. You are amazing and I have all of your books so far and waiting for the next. And I so love the critter on the front of your book Furiously Happy. Hugs.

    Like

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