Happy Birthday, Dorothy Barker!

Today is Dorothy Barker’s birthday and she is three.  That means in dog years  she is 21 today and is now technically able to drink.  And that makes me jealous because I’m still not allowed to drink because of tuberculosis so now my dog has more freedoms than I do.  And then Victor was like, “First of all, how did you even manage to make this all about you?” and then he told me I wasn’t allowed to give Dorothy Barker a celebration drink and I was like, “I’m not giving the dog booze, Victor.  She can’t day drink alone.  That’s how alcoholism starts.”  And Victor didn’t agree with my reasoning but the end result was the same so he gave up and instead I just gave her a surprise party, which consisted of me yelling “SURPRISE, BITCH!  IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY!” and Dorothy Barker was like:

“OH MY GOD, YOU REMEMBERED?!” ~ Dorothy Barker

Just kidding.  Actually she looked a little confused because she doesn’t speak English, but I think she genuinely appreciated my excitement and/or the bull penis in my hand.

Happy birthday, Dorothy Barker.

PS.  This is Dorothy Parker back when I thought her name was “Knives.”  It was a phase we both grew out of.

PPS.  The bull penis wasn’t for me.  It’s for my dog.  It’s weird that I need to clarify that.  I realize pet stores call them “bully sticks” or “pizzle sticks” but they’re totally dried bull penises and I believe in calling a rose a rose and you need to know that your dog is chewing on bull penises.  After they’ve been chopped up and turned into jerky, I mean.  Not, like in the wild.  That would be crazy and probably very dangerous for both dogs and bulls.  This has been your unrequested educational announcement of the day.

101 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Happy Birthday Dorothy. Congratulations on reaching your majority. I hope you have a great day.

    Like

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  2. *Pizzle, not puzzle. Wouldn’t want you to be embarrassed using the wrong word to talk about bull penises (penii?) in polite company.

    (Fucking autocorrect. ~ Jenny)

    Like

  3. So glad y’all outgrew Knives. It just didn’t suit.

    Like

  4. Our oldest dog is old enough for Social Security – I wish! We could use the extra cash.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. They actually have beer for dogs…
    http://snuffle-dogbeer.com/
    You’re welcome.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. There is apparently a whole cottage industry specializing in beer and wine for dogs and cats….https://www.petwinery.com/collections/dog-wine-selection. Just to prove Victor wrong

    Like

    celebrenithil recently posted Cosplay Safety.

  7. 7
    Stacey Lunsford

    I never knew that about bully sticks! Is that why my local pet store has a sign next to them that says “Bully sticks are fragile and easily broken. Do not play with them.”?

    Liked by 6 people

  8. I’ll raise my glass with a day drink to Dorothy Barker

    Like

  9. Happy Birthday Dorothy Barker!

    Like

  10. Happy Birthday, Dorothy Barker! Enjoy your first barkarita! Pro tip: order it frozen, not over ice, that way you’re rehydrating while you drink and will lessen the hangover. That’s how science works, I’m sure. Also, don’t drink the worm. Eat the bull penis instead.

    Liked by 4 people

    emilypageart recently posted Happy Birthday, Dad.

  11. Happy Birthday, bitch!!!!!

    Strangely, bull penis jerky isn’t even close to the craziest sh!t I’ve seen on the interwebs today.

    Like

  12. I did NOT know that it was made out of bull penis. I’m not sure I NEEDED to know that, but now I do, so thank you! I think. O.o
    Happy birthday, Dorothy Barker!

    Like

  13. What language does she speak?

    Like

    theycallmetater recently posted Month Of Tater Day 2 – Electric Boogaloo.

  14. I think I am also entranced by the Deer (Elk?) head on the shelf above Miss Dorothy, along with the random hoof. Your house is SO FUN!! 🙂

    Like

  15. Happy Birthday Dorothy…and why Knives…but then sorry forgot who I’m talking to…I guess Knives makes perfect sense to you….

    Liked by 1 person

    The Hellion recently posted More Weird Things I Saw At Work….

  16. That picture of Dorothy Barker made me laugh way harder than it had any right to. I love it.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. That was definitely a more you know type situation also Happy Birthday Dorothy Barker!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Happy Birthday, Dorothy. She was an adorable pup!! Grew to be an internet star!

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Dogs would make great alcoholics, they always have their head in a toilet bowl already. Ba-da-tsss
    https://damngirlgetyourshittogether.com/

    Like

  20. What happens if you soak the dried
    bull penis in a large container of water? Inquiring minds want to know!

    Like

  21. Happy Birthday Dorothy Barker!!!! You sure were a cutie when you were little! Now, you are simply beautiful. Enjoy as much alcohol as you can get your paws on…sneak behind Victor’s back if you have to…just have fun. You’re only 21 once!

    Like

  22. Happy Birthday, Dottie! May you enjoy many, many more penises (penisi?). 🙂

    Georgie loved bully sticks. She even had a jumbo braided one (a 3-fer — woo hoo!) on her last day, along with a McDonald’s cheeseburger.

    Like

  23. Actually, since Dottie can’t drink, can she gamble? Do I hear road trip to Vegas?

    Like

  24. Party on, Dorothy,but don’t puke on the carpet, and only poop where Mama Jenny tells you to. And remind her that she gets to dispose of said poop responsibly.

    Like

  25. Happy Birthday, Dorothy Barker. And I’m not jealous at all that someone planned a surprise party for you. Sure, no one ever gives me a surprise birthday party, but I won’t make that your problem. I’m directing my angst to The Viking since he’s the only one living with me besides the two cats who don’t seem to give a shit when it’s my party. I’m not bitter though.

    Like

    Mrs. Completely recently posted Life Lesson – Friday Fictioneers.

  26. Happy birthday Dorothy Barker! This is my daughter’s birthday, too. You can both have a celebratory drink together-after 5 pm of course.

    Like

    Vicky recently posted I just wanted to say a few words….

  27. That dog has SEEN things.

    Liked by 2 people

  28. OHMYGODIFOLLOWEDTHELINK. Now I can’t get the phrase “pizzle-based foods for human consumption” out of my head. NO.

    Like

  29. Did you play a party game of “BOOP! Got your nose?” Dorothy has the cutest expressions, and the BOOP series had me laughing for decades and I just calmed down yesterday, and now….. I just give up. After all, laughing is better than noselessness. OK, I’ll go take my meds.

    Like

  30. I love her “surprise” face. Thanks for being you Dorothy Barker!!

    Like

  31. I love how the lighting in your house gives her eyes so many highlights that she looks like an Anime character. Ridiculously cute little dog-person. Happy Birthday DB!

    Like

  32. Knives makes perfect sense to me – because then you could tell people “I have Knives in my purse!” For when you are feeling stabby.

    Liked by 1 person

  33. I am totally going to adopt a pit bull just so I can name him Bully Stick. Or Bully Knives. Yes! That works. Bully Knives and I are going to have a lot of wacky misadventures together. I can tell.

    Like

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  34. Happy barkday! I hope you enjoyed the male bovine genitalia. (Aaannd I’m just gonna leave that alone…)

    Like

  35. Happy birthday miss barker. Don’t worry I’ll drink for the both of you.

    Like

  36. My grandpa always used to share his beer with his beagle. Not that I recommend this since my grandpa drank Olympia or Miller High Life. Get something crafty and classy if you are going to share a beer with your dog.

    Like

  37. Happy Birthday, Ms Barker! I believe in formal names unless we meet in person, or in dog. Knives was a lousy kname.

    Like

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  38. My new dog told me her name is Ruby. I don’t have her yet. I have to drive over to Spalding to fetch her when my broken shoulder heals.

    Like

  39. Pictures please, where’s the bull penis? I’ve only seen a horse penis. At least as far as large farm animals go. Wouldn’t Dorothy choke on that? ahem

    Like

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  40. Happy Birthday Dorothy Barker from Princess Kova and Mr. Luna! We believe in full names here too.

    Like

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  41. She was such a cute puppy. Happy birthday Dorothy.

    Like

  42. happy birthday Dorothy Barker! Had your momma told me, I’d have made you a special peanut butter oatmeal carrot cake! Which sounds totally gross to humans, but dogs LURVE dat shit! Sloppy invasive kisses! xo

    Like

  43. YAY! Happy birthday Dorothy Barker!

    I’m also making today my dog’s birthday. I don’t know when her birthday ACTUALLY is because she’s a rescue. Her name is Asha Greyjoy and she ALMOST died today. She is super old and only has one eye and smells really bad and she keeps walking into walls and peeing on the floor and started scream-barking at 2am, causing me to jump 8,000 feet and rush to her, but it was just because she wanted a drink of water and I thought she went crazy.

    She went to the vet today to get evaluated for potential end-of-life choices and the vet was all, “yeah, she’s just super blind and got a bad ear infection because of her allergies causing a skin infection. She’s totally not ready to be put down.” I started crying from joy and decided we needed a birthday celebration today. Because, my dog is totally alive, y’all.

    Best. Day. Ever.

    Like

  44. Happy Birthday Ms. Barker! Mr. Bandito and Mr. Mopar send their regards. (they are two-and-a-half year year old rat terriers) Thanks Ms. Lawson, for the pictures and wonderful stories.

    Like

  45. 🎂 Happy Birthday Ms Dorothy 🎂

    Like

  46. Happy Birthday, Dorothy Barker! Is Mom going to let you play with her dollhouse?

    My great aunt had a dog whose favorite beverage was Sprite and bourbon. She never let the dog in the house, but she didn’t mind giving her a drink every now and then. So it kind of averages out, right? This was the same great-aunt who used to slip my great-grandma a valium and spike her drink at Christmas so she wouldn’t kill us all. Ahh, such great memories!

    Like

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  47. Happy birthday Dorothy! Cheers!

    Like

  48. Merry birthday, Dorothy!

    Like

  49. happy birthday dorthy barker! good to know that little tid bit about bull penises… intresting but def disturbing

    Like

  50. 50
    Debra Disney

    Dorothy Barker’s 🎂 pic FTW❣ I 💗 her So Much.
    It has been just one year since my fur-baby passed at age 17. He was the Best. Yorkie. EVER!! and I miss him terribly.
    Cheers to Dottie! And many more…🐶

    Like

  51. Happy birthday to one of the cutest and most photogenic doggies ever!

    Like

  52. “Knives”? As in “Knives Chao”?

    Like

  53. Hey just be careful giving your dog jerky. Check and try to find out if it’s made in China, a lot of dogs have been getting sick and having kidney failure due to additives that aren’t listed on the package. Happy birthday girlie, stay safe! Don’t day drink alone, wait for your mommy to drink with you.

    Like

  54. Dorothy Barker, here’s to you! Arf! Arf! Bow Wow! Ruf! Ruf! OooWooo! Yip! Yip! (that covers all the dog language I know)

    Like

  55. You know how the bull penises come in different lengths? Well your post finally prompted me to find out exactly how long they get. CANNOT UNSEE. Wishing you a 3 ft. long bully stick, Dorothy Barker!

    Like

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  56. If somebody told me what was in the ‘bully stick’ I’d just had in my mouth, I’d looked as shocked as Dorothy.

    Like

  57. Happy birthday Dorothy Barker. My Remy (also a Papillon) thinks you’re the cutest.

    Like

  58. Oh, she’s so beautiful! Her happy face was hilarious.

    Like

  59. My question is what is so great about Scottish deer pizzles? Seriously, I’m sure US deer pizzles will work just as well for a pick me up before a race. Promote US made pizzles Wikipedia!

    Like

  60. The happiest old days, Dorothy

    Like

  61. Happy birthday, Dorothy Barker! She was so cute as a puppy, and now she’s just gorgeous.

    Like

  62. Happy, happy birthday, dearest Dottie. You’re the cutest woofie in Texas and you have the bestest mommy in the world.

    Like

  63. Happy Birthday, Dorothy Barker! 😀

    Like

  64. Except I totally read that as bull penis “on my head” so you can see why I was grossed out even though I knew what you were talking about.

    Like

  65. You could give her a ruff beer. And I’d like to donate my ex husbands penis if he would just stop running. His second wife doesn’t need it either 😛

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

    Like

  66. Happy Birthday Dorothy Barker 🎈🎈🎈You know you can get dog beer. I’m assuming because it’s non alcoholic you could also partake in some dog beer to celebrate.

    Like

  67. Oh my…you can render glue from a bull penis? So, how sticky was it when your arm got stuck up the cow’s va-jay-jay?

    Like

  68. Happy Barkday Dorothy Barker! My how you’ve grown!

    Like

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  69. Dogs can totally get drunk. My great grandparents’ dog used to cruise the alley behind the village pubs (England, about 80 – 90 years ago), licking up the drip pans from the kegs after lunch. This was back when dogs could take themselves for a walk, no leash laws or anything. Apparently everyone knew this, except my great grands, until one day the dog came home so drunk, he couldn’t manage to climb into his basket to sleep it off…

    Like

  70. OK, I had to save the picture of Dorothy Barker’s total surprise and pleasure that you remembered her birthday. Only when I saved it did I realize I have two other pictures of her. Do you want a picture of my cat? She doesn’t like having her picture taken – you’re lucky that Dorothy doesn’t turn away when a camera of any sort comes out.

    Like

  71. EW! I work part-time in a pet supply store, and we sell BULL PENISES! Gross!

    Also, Happy Birthday, DB! I’ll have some wine for you both tonight when I get home from set. 🙂

    Like

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  72. Happy birthday Dorothy B. Jenny, I know you named her after Dorothy Parker, but in the PS above you wrote Dorothy Parker, this could have been intentional since you hadn’t settled on Barker yet. I always learn something new when I read your blog or your books. Enjoy the celebration.

    Like

  73. This post brought me so much joy

    Liked by 1 person

  74. Awww I wanted to leave a photo of my dog wishing Happy Birthday, but couldn’t do it. We hope Miss Barker had a wonderful 3rd Birthday x x x

    Like

  75. Happy Birthday, Dorothy …your faithful minion!

    Like

  76. I’m intrigued by this bull penis thing… having never had a dog I am trying to figure out what one would look like yet after googling some very strange things lately (insert “dog attack finger bum” and “ice cream penis” here) I’m a bit hesitant to add “dried bull penis jerky” to my google search history… that sort of thing can end you up on some watchlist somewhere!!!

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  77. I would love to have you over for dinner. I get the feeling that we “voice” our cats in the voices we’ve made up for them, you wouldn’t look weird at my husband and I. Happy Birthday Dorothy Barker!

    Liked by 2 people

    skullwoman recently posted 642 Things to Write About: Fortune Cookies, Part two.

  78. Happy Birthday, Dorothy! Give her a pet from me to celebrate. 🙂

    Like

  79. Have you ever noticed that bully sticks, pizzle sticks, whatever you call them, stink? They smell really gross. At least I think they do, anyway. I always wash my hands after handling them. Wouldn’t do to get a cow STD or something.

    Liked by 1 person

  80. Happy Birthday, Dorothy Parker! The Maine Coons will celebrate this occasion with catnip in your honor.

    Like

  81. She may just be frightened of those creepy dolls jammed up on that shelf. Is she old enough to play with them?

    Liked by 1 person

  82. Please stop with the ridiculous Victor conversations!!!!! Ugh. It’s getting old

    Like

  83. Happy birthday? I don’t mean to be specist, Maybe start looking for a man dog so she’ll not chew on bull penises?

    Like

    Tanya Goffy recently posted So Suddenly Halloween = NaNoWriMo.

  84. Happy Birthday! Tip for the day, do not order a bully stick from your raw food seller. They are NOT dried and are terrifying.

    Like

  85. Happy Birthday Dorothy! Also wanted to add: Poster-Josie #82-Victor is the love of Jenny’s life. He is also Jenny’s Dean Martin to Jenny’s Jerry Lewis. Jenny Lewis?(Don’t know if he can sing though.) They make a great team. Maybe a better comparison would be George Burns and Gracie Allen-but Jenny does not come off as ditsy as Gracie so hilariously pulled off.

    Like

  86. I love how you can drop “bull penis” in to a conversation and it seems totally normal.

    Like

  87. Happy Birthday Dorothy!

    piz·zle
    ˈpizəl/
    noun
    noun: pizzle; plural noun: pizzles
    the penis of an animal, especially a bull.

    Like

  88. Happy Birthday Dorothy! My dog also loves to chew on bull penises.

    Like

  89. I got curious about the author who Dorothy Barker was named in remembrance of, or whatever. (I’m sure there is a hilarious story about her naming.) So I did some digging on Thrift Books, Ebay and Amazon to find Dorothy Parker books. Only I kept typing in the search “Dorothy Barker”. I wasn’t coming up with anything. Knowing she was a famous author, I thought it was strange, so I tried another site and another. When I realized my mistake I was tickled and thought, that sounds like something Jenny might do.

    Like

  90. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DOROTHY! I miss my papillon so much. hugs to you.

    Like

  91. 91
    mckennadeanromance

    We go through so many bull penises in my house, I should own stock in a stockyard. While I like ‘Knives’ as a name, Dorothy Barker absolutely suits her. Happy Pupday to you, DB!

    Like

  92. Turning bull penises into jerky. Now there’s an infomercial for you. Happy Birthday DB!

    Like

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  93. I’m late I’m late! Happy belated birthday Dorothy Barker! That reaction-shot is just adorable, makes me want to snuggle her!

    Like

  94. HAPPY BIRTHDAY POOCH.

    I realise that I am late and you can’t read but still. YAY CAKE ❤

    Like

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  95. Actually she looked a little confused because she doesn’t speak English

    Yep. Our cats are Siamese, yet my husband thinks if he yells, “No! DON’T GO UPSTAIRS!” to them in English that it will stop them.

    Like

  96. My dog loves bully sticks. I don’t call them that.. and it is awkward.

    Like

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  97. Whoa, Happy B-day Dorothy!!! what a great pic, yes, she was surprised and happy!!!

    Like

  98. Awww…Happy Birthday Dorothy Barker ❤

    Like

  99. Happy birthday, Dorothy Barker!!

    Like

    Awkwardly Alive recently posted I’m Living with a Poop Ninja..

  100. Are those precious moments dolls in the background?

    Like

  101. I liked it when she was named “Knives.” It made me think of an old-timey gangster like “Knuckles” or “Bruiser” or “Tommy Gun.” But Dorothy “Knives” Barker is cool too.

    Like

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