I can see clearly now and there are spiders everywhere.

in Random Crap

So today I got new glasses.

They look almost exactly like my old glasses because I’m very boring and don’t like change but the lenses are stronger because I’m also very old and read in the dark too much.

So I’m walking around and everything looks slightly off and warped and sharp but actually it’s because things are suddenly clear and I’m just not used to it.  I’ve gotten so used to the blurry that when things are in focus they’re almost too clear.  Like I’m being shouted at by my eyes.  And it struck me as a very good analogy because it’s very similar to how I feel when I come out of a depression.

Suddenly my tunnel vision fades and there is more sun.  Things I couldn’t concentrate on before are obvious.  The things I ignored because they faded away during the darker times are suddenly clear and obvious and demanding my attention.  And it’s great.  But also disorienting.  And wonderful.  And terrifying.

I stopped at a rosebush next to the eyeglass place and I was struck at how clear and sharp and beautiful the roses were.  The same ones I’d walked by only a few minutes ago and had ignored.  I was literally stopping to smell the roses, except instead of smelling I was instagramming them but I still felt the meaning of the moment

And I held one up to capture it on camera and it was lovely and it reminded me to appreciate these moments when things are so clear and vivid and good.

And then I looked even deeper at the subtle details I take for granted and I screamed, “WHAT THE FUCK.  THERE’S A SPIDER” and then the spider ran onto my hand and I yelled:  “THERE’S A SPIDER ON ME.  JESUS FUCKING CHRIST GET IT OFF WHEREDIDITGO WHYISTHISHAPPENING?“And the two small children eating ice cream on the bench near me just stared as I jumped around slapping myself to trying to make the spider (which was now invisible and probably laying eggs in me) fall off of me and then I couldn’t find the spider even on the ground and I thought maybe I needed even stronger glasses but then I realized that the strong glasses led to this problem in the first place and maybe I was better off when I was ignoring roses and unable to see spiders crawling all over me and that fucked up all my metaphors and so I just took a deep breath and said, “Take care of your eyes while you still can” to the small kids and then their mom looked at me even more warily and I realized that maybe that sounded like a threat so I added, “Like, don’t read at night without good lighting.  It ruins your eyes.  And eat your carrots.”  And the mom was like, “Yeah.  That’s what I always tell you kids, right?” and I was happy to help, although I’m fairly sure the kids didn’t understand the connection between spider attacks and protecting your vision but they had ice cream so they just shrugged and went back to eating.

This post had a point but I lost it.  I blame spiders.

124 thoughts on “I can see clearly now and there are spiders everywhere.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. I remember as a kid getting my first pair of glasses and being in awe of trees. I did not know you could see each individual leaf. Or bricks in a building. I was astounded that stuff had DETAILS. But without the glasses? Well, that blurry thing in the shower was NOT a wad of hair.

  3. Don’t feel bad…I’m the same way. The only differences between my current glasses and my last pair is the last pair was sort of a dark brown color and made of metal. These are plastic and sort of purple-y. But they both have the same sturdy construction and square-y rectangle-y sort of frames.

  4. Very cute look!

    Spiders are our friends, just scary friends if over a certain size, so don’t hurt them please. Charlotte. We have a take-a-spider-outside kit: gigantic clear plastic drinking glass, very thin piece of cardboard. Glass goes over spider, thin cardboard slides under glass (glass opening, not bottom!), hold tight, walk outside to protected area, bye spider.

  5. First of all, it is not okay to show me a picture of a spider without some sort of warning. And no, a title with the word “spider” in isn’t enough. You need some sort of actual content warning.

    Second, go back in and ask for better glasses. Ask for some go-go-Gadget level eyewear and wipe out any spider you see because this is my philosophy: a spider you can see is a spider that is not doing its damned job. You’re helping the species and helping arachnophobes by taking these steps.

  8. Can you imagine the spider’s perspective? “Ma’am, I see you have lovely new glasses. They really look nice on y…….. WHAT THE HELL? WHY ARE YOU JUMPING AROUND I”M GOING TO FALL OFF YOUR HAND AND LITERALLY EXPLODE ON THE CONCRETE I WAS JUST COMPLIMENTING YOU! PEOPLE SUCK!!!!!” Aaaaand… squish. Poor Larry. He never had a chance.

  9. You forgot to mention the part where you set the entire block on fire and walk away brushing your hands together.. because spiders.

  10. Next time I confuse my daughter I’m giving her ice cream. At least, that was my take away from all this. Maybe carrots first tho.

  13. My husband and I used to take nature photos around Florida. Once he and his son were out hiking and got a great shot of a butterfly on a stalk; they were amazed that the thing stayed so still for them while they were so close. Later, looking at the photos, we all realized the butterfly was actually being eaten by a small spider on the stalk that had been practically invisible when they were taking the photo. Not long after, he and I were out taking photos in a different park, and I took a closeup of a pretty flower. When we got home and opened the file, sure enough, looking up at me from inside that flower was another of those nasty nearly-invisible horrible things. Great photo, but ~~shudder~~ at the thought. It looked even scarier blown up on my husband’s 47″ TV/monitor….

    Love the glasses, though. I need new lenses for my frames. The protective coating on my old lenses has worn off like I took a Brillo pad to them, but I love the glasses and I don’t have vision coverage so it’s contacts all day, glasses only from the bathroom to the bed and back.

  14. Oh that reminds me of my daughter, she has ocd and GAD and she often doesn’t put her glasses or contacts in because that way she doesn’t see the people clearly. People give her anxiety and without being able to see the faces clear, it’s easier for her to manage being out for the house.

  15. You have no idea how badly I needed to read this today, Jenny! Thank you so fucking much for your brilliantly constructed run-on sentences, they are my favourite form of art. You, my dear, are light. MUAH

  16. I can see clearly now as well, but I just had cataract surgery….so enjoy your new glasses, much easier than surgery.. and you look awesome in them…spiders too!

  17. Yes, the clarity! I either go through this with new glasses or find I hate the new lenses and can’t see at all, or they give me a massive headache. Because nothing can every be easy with me. Hoping that I get the mental clarity you describe because for a very long time I have been unable to focus and worry I’m going to get fired because I don’t think I’m accomplishing anything.

  20. Sometimes we are better off not seeing the tiny details. And am I never going to stop and smell the roses again because TINY NOSE SPIDERS! Honestly, I’ll forget I ever read this post because I could hide my own Easter eggs, so it’s okay. The roses will still be smelled.

  21. I would react in much the same way (and definitely have done). I went into my bathroom today and it was full of spiders, which is not a surprise I am ever prepared for. My cat is disappointingly uninterested in eating spiders for me, so the spiders and I are at an impasse.

    Your new glasses super suit you, even if they do have unforeseen spider revealing powers.

  22. This is a funny story and something I would have done. Actually got new glasses not to long ago, and I fully understand the sharpness of things. Thankfully I just got dizzy and felt like falling over, no fucking spiders.

  23. I totally know what you mean about things being too clear. I get that when I’m anxious. It feels like the real world is too real and I almost long for the depression to come back so I can burrow into the darkness! It’s my hands that freak me out. They look too… y’know… hand-y or something.

    Also I live in New Zealand and we have wetas. It is my current mission to become braver about wetas and spiders as I now live in the countryside. So far I’m doing okay but wetas are still the scariest thing when they crawl on you. Google them. Maybe without your new glasses on.

  24. I have 20/20 vision. For some reason, in a body full of chemical imbalances and nerves that fire sporadically and blood vessels that make me consider performing my own lobotomy, my eyes are just dandy.

    P.S. love the glasses, hate spiders.

  26. Crab spider! 🙂 Harmless little ambush hunter, frequently found on flowers. Harmless if you’re a human, anyway. Not so good if you’re a small fly. Which you’re not. So no worries!

  27. That’s a pretty spider, a nice pale yellow, and it’s reaching out to hug the rose.

    Now begonias, they freak me out. Glad you didn’t post a picture of one of those.

  29. I felt the same way sitting up for the first time and looking around after laser eye surgery! SO MANY DETAILS! Luckily, far less spiders in my experience…

  30. If you hadn’t freaked out and yelled and slapped at yourself first, there would be no way those two kids eating ice cream would ever have remembered your advice about carrots. Your drama served to plant a seed of health-consciousness in those brats and for that, I applaud you.

  31. Really good description of coming out of a depression, spiders and all. You rock, Jenny.

  32. You’re walking around the house in your undies, and now … new glasses! You can see the neighbors! And in a blinding flash (blinding even with new glasses) you realize that they can see you, too ….

  34. Ok, I’m taking this as a cautionary tale. I haven’t been to the eye doc in about 10 years and my eyes are really bad and I read in the dark but also play solitaire and do jigsaws on my iPad in the dark so what was I expecting anyway? Your experience has proven to me that now is not the time to have my eyes checked because I’d probably gave to get new glasses and then there’d be spiders and I’m scared to death of them. I consider myself warned. Thanks.

  35. That little guy looks like the tree spiders that used to creep out of places in my car when I had to park outside. There’s nothing better than trying to squish a spider on your windshield with your flip flop while speeding down the interstate. Why did he choose to come out then?

    Nice glasses though.

  36. It’s not a spider; it’s a miniature land octopus! Love it. Love the new glasses.

  37. I keep my glasses off when I’m in the house so I don’t see that I need to dust and vacuum. Old eyes have their perks.

  38. You reminded me. I have to go to my eye doctor. I always feel like I’m taking a final exam!

    (I always assume the doctor is fucking with me and giving me trick questions and laughing at me. She assures me she’s not. ~ Jenny)

  40. Carrots improving your eyesight originated as a propaganda campaign by the British in WWW II. The Bristish had super secret radar tech that helped them see the German planes but they told the public that they were able to see the planes because the British pilots ate lots of carrots and thus could see in the dark. Carrots are actually good for your peepers though just no night vision.

  42. That’s it, I was considering going to the eye doctor and getting more than cheap reading glasses, but you’ve changed my mind. I can already see the tiny, baby spiders hanging in my basement (before I Shop-Vac them) and I don’t need to see more. My vision must not be that bad. I hate spiders, but I 💜 you.

  43. Isn’t it nice to get new glasses???
    All your “I can see clearly now…” reminds me: I don’t know about you… but I wear progressive lenses, being both near- and far-sighted with astigmatism. My doctor just had me get “Occupational Lenses” with blue-light blocking.
    I know I sound like an ad… I don’t mean to. It’s just that I use these glasses for working on the computer and…. omfg, they’re awesome. And for reading, too. And knitting. The lenses have the full reading prescription at, like, the bottom third and works up to, like, a mid-range at the top — so you can see about 10 feet. So, not good for driving, but great for knitting while you watch tv. I don’t have to tilt my head all at wacky angles just to see the computer screen!
    And she made me get blue light blocking – it’s easier on eyes that stare at computer screens all day.
    Anyway… that’s my PSA for the day.

  44. I have spiders that like to build their webs across my access point off the porch and I forget to wave my hand in front of myself so often that I now just brush the web off my face, and wipe at my hair then continue, pretending I am not paranoid that I now have a spider crawling on me.

    OTH, I could have really done without the horrific giant weta link Candice! Thanking the cosmos they only live in New Zealand, rethinking my desire to vacation there.

  45. There’s a very old adage that my grandma used to quote: “If you wish to live and thrive, let a spider go alive.” Spiders are mostly good. They spin webs and catch other flying critters before they can bite you. We dont kill spiders, except black widows and brown recluse. That’s because If it could kill you, all bug tolerance is suspended. Grandma didn’t say that, but I do!

    (I free all indoor spiders. Unless they touch me. Or are poisonous. Or are larger than my hand. Or are spiders. Not the last one. Usually. ~ Jenny)

  47. Roses are red,
    Violets are blue,
    The longest run on sentence in the world,
    Won’t keep that spider from laying eggs in you.

  48. I like your metaphor, but the spider talk has triggered me and everything itches especially my scalp. Maybe I subconsciously think spiders would nest there if they could. Ugh. Now I need to wash my hair. Do they make a spider-repellant shampoo?

    Also, as someone with crappy vision, I know it is hard to get the prescription right. One time I had the absolute perfect eyeglasses prescription, and I could actually see 2 satellites moving around up in the nighttime sky.. After that pinnacle, every pair of new glasses since has been a big letdown.

  49. Spiders….Yuck. I’m terrified of bees, though. And Spruce Beetles. I lived on the Arctic Circle for six years and you might think that the only thing that lives up there is Polar Bears and Caribou but you’d be wrong. Particularly in the summer when every form of bug imaginable and 10 times the normal size infest the entire area. And Spruce Beetles are the worst of the worst; they arrive in the middle of June and don’t leave until the middle of August, making them the biggest asshole. If I opened my windows I could hear the screams of terror echoing throughout the community (863 people big). One lady came out of the Post Office and was hit in the chest by a Spruce Beetle which promptly fell down her dress. Like any reasonable person with a Spruce Beetle down her dress, she stripped. At the top of the Post Office steps. She wasn’t wearing a bra.

  50. Your description of coming out of depression is so accurate–I see details better and colors are much more clear. Unfortunately, I then notice the crap I’ve left all over tables and counters in every room in the house. Time to take off the glasses and listen to an audiobook.

  51. My glasses generally all look similar too. Not sure if it is because I am conservative, or because my face is so narrow that only kids glasses look right, and the choice there is pretty limited if you don’t want kids’ glasses that look like kids’ glasses

  52. I never obsessed about spiders until I watched an old SVU episode in which Cynthia Nixon, playing an expert on the subject, uttered the line, “You’re always within 12 ft of a spider, no matter where you are.” There was also a Car Talk episode in which a caller nearly wrecked her car when hundreds of baby black widows hatched from eggs that had been laid in her dash. She asked how to get rid of them and the hosts replied, “A flamethrower.”

  53. Ick ick ick spider! I do the get-the-spider-off dance too, thankfully it’s usually when no one else is around. The glasses look awesome on you, but then of course they do, because you always look awesome. I’m currently saving up to hopefully get new glasses in December… I don’t think I need a stronger lens (tho I might), but these glasses are 6-7 years old and so scratched up there are permanent blurry spots in the middle of my vision. No fun.

  54. My most recent spider freak out went something like this: La. la la da la la… I’m In my bath with smell good stuff and candles and a glass of wine, relaxed. Content, I trail my hand through the water, and as I reach for my wine, I notice that THE BIGGEST FUCKING SPIDER IN THE HISTORY OF SPIDERS is in my bath. With me. And I’m very vulnerable, what with bath=nudity, so I scream my head off, scoop that evil up, and throw it in the toilet. Then of course I burned the house down. Not really but I thought about it.

  55. I was thinking about getting new glasses because I was having the same issues you apparently were but now I’m having second thoughts. It’s not that I’m afraid of spiders. I’m afraid of what my house might actually look like because I haven’t really been able to see it! 😂

  56. I have a dear friend who I took to get her cataract fixed in her one working eye. I had not been to her house in a while. It was filthy and she could see it when she got home. A lot of cleaning was required.

  57. I can see clearly now, my new frames are on.
    I can see all spiders in my wa… What the fuck is this shit? Holy crap!! Run!

  59. Do NOT Goggle “wetas” unless you are prepared to “weta” your pants!! Those things put the UGH in UGLY!! Another reason I am hesitate to visit Australia/New Zealand. They seem to have the ickiest of EVERYTHING.
    Spiders are our friends. Except black widows. And the Brown Recluse. And probably any spider in New Zealand.

  61. I once watched two very large and intimidating men run from a tarantula. One then ran back toward the danger a minute later, armed with a push broom.

    Life in Puerto Rico was rarely unboring.

  62. I dunno. I don’t think your metaphors got messed up. Sometimes, there are roses in life. Sometimes there are spiders. But mostly, life is spiders on roses. 🙂

  63. I’m so glad I’m not the only one who gets the disorienting, super sharp vision with new glasses. Also HOLY FUCK SPIDERS! That’s just not fair when you’re trying to appreciate a moment.

  64. I read somewhere that you are never more than six feet from a spider. UGH!!!! Now I feel phantom spiders on me way too often…at least I hope they are phantom spiders….Yiiiiiii,,,, I need a shower!

  65. I like your glasses. The roses are beautiful! Energetically, the presence of spiders means you are spiritually connected; so I guess seeing them is ‘proof’ of that grin.

  66. Love the new glasses. Just wait till you need progressive lenses. They are such a joy..not I end up taking my glasses off when I need to see up close. Lol

  67. Spiders are pretty cool, actually. They eat the truly icky bugs! Also, that one was beautiful. Golden orb, maybe? They eat the bugs that would normally eat your roses.

  70. A few weeks before I went to Germany this summer, I lost my glasses. My eye doctor got my in for an emergency visit and wrote out a new prescription. I headed into the optical shop and the tech (who I’ve know for years) starts handing me frames. After 10 frames through, she exclaims “I have the perfect pair for you”, and hands me the exact same frames I lost. So don’t feel bad Jenny–if something works, stick with it.

    (Btw, the day my new glasses came in, the jazz club I lost the original pair in called me to tell me they found my original glasses. So I have to HIDE my old glasses in a drawer so I don’t wear them by mistake and further ruin my bad vision)

  72. Went to get a drink in darkened kitchen … sip … swallow … then a tickle on my lip. Sudden slapping and hopping! Cats running in panic. Crippled spider falls into the sink. I’m telling you that all the mouthwash in the world didn’t help.

  73. Okay, I need new glasses. I read about 20 posts before I realized that the spider was in your rose picture! Couldn’t see it at first.
    As for spiders, be good to them. Read the children’s book Be Nice to Spiders. I read it to my elementary students every year for 34 years of teaching. It’s a old book, so it may be hard to find.
    I also save spiders. Don’t use a glass, just my hands. I’m respectful of black widows, but twice I’ve had close encounters and wasn’t bitten. Once I found one climbing under my sweatshirt sleeve and up my arm. I gently took off the sweatshirt and wasn’t bitten. A little scary, but it shows that they’re also respectful of us humans.

  74. Don’t get your ears cleaned by the doctor or nurse. You really don’t want to hear what you are missing. At least that was my experience.so loud!

  75. It must suck to be a spider. NOBODY is glad to see you, except myybe a chicken. Those crazy animals will eat anything!

  76. I hate spiders too Jenny. Nothing should have 8 eyes. I did some tricky driving once when one of the little aholes chose to drop down on me in my jeep miss muffit style.
    What pulls you out of the fog? I’m sorry I don’t want you to go back when you’re feeling good:/ I don’t see any way out of my fog right now.

  77. I always regret wearing my glasses around the house because I can clearly see how dirty it is.

  78. The Embarrassing Episode of Little Miss Muffet

        by Guy Wetmore Carryl (1873-1904)

Little Miss Muffet discovered a tuffet,
    (Which never occurred to the rest of us)
And, as ’twas a June day, and just about noonday,
    She wanted to eat -- like the best of us:
Her diet was whey, and I hasten to say
    It is wholesome and people grow fat on it.
The spot being lonely, the lady not only
    Discovered the tuffet, but sat on it.

A rivulet gabbled beside her and babbled,
    As rivulets always are thought to do,
And dragon flies sported around and cavorted,
    As poets say dragon flies ought to do;
When, glancing aside for a moment, she spied
    A horrible sight that brought fear to her,
A hideous spider was sitting beside her,
    And most unavoidably near to her!

Albeit unsightly, this creature politely
    Said, “Madam, I earnestly vow to you,
I’m penitent that I did not bring my hat. I
    Should otherwise certainly bow to you.”
Though anxious to please, he was so ill at ease
    That he lost all sense of propriety,
And grew so inept that he clumsily stept
    In her plate -- which is barred in Society.

This curious error completed her terror;
    She shuddered, and growing much paler, not
Only left tuffet, but dealt him a buffet
    Which doubled him up in a sailor knot.
It should be explained that at this he was pained;
    He cried, “I have vexed you, no doubt of it!
Your fist’s like a truncheon.”  “You’re still in my luncheon,”
    Was all that she answered. “Get out of it!”

And THE MORAL is this: Be it madam or miss
    To whom you have something to say,
You are only absurd when you get in the curd
    But you’re rude when you get in the whey!

  79. Want to know how screwed up I am? I like spiders just fine – even big hairy ones. But show me a roach and I’ll scream like a little girl. If one gets NEAR me? Yeah, I do the dance of “GETITOFFMEGETITOFFME!!!” And technically, roaches are less dangerous than spiders. But even when they’d dead I need a pool skimmer to pick it up and throw it away.

    And my cats LOVE to leave dead ones where I’ll come close to stepping on them. shudder

  80. Well, it’s good to know that my adrenal fatigue hasn’t completely depleted my adrenaline because my heart is currently pounding. Fight or flight baby. Sorry about the surprise spider, your glasses look nice though.

  81. I love being able to see. I hate my newest frames. And spiders. So I wear the old frames & lenses, see less perfectly, but also don’t have to see the spiders! Yay!

  83. I always say it’s like depression wears the sharp edges off of everything. It is EXACTLY like not wearing my glasses, only with literally everything I experience.

  85. I love how this beautiful moment ended in spiders. Also, I had a friend who for real had a spider lay eggs in a cut in his arm. (Not on purpose – who would do that?) Then his arm got all swollen and split open and baby spiders came pouring out. Granted, my friend was in the Amazon at the time (the jungle, not the corporate office), but TX is warm and humid too, so maybe just keep an eye out for anything that starts mysteriously swelling? Just a thought.

  86. lol I actually started singing the title in the tone I can see clearly now the rain is gone then sang the spider part and scared myself. I also try to release them back into the wild aka out of my freakin house but sometimes the scare me and I accidentally beat them to death. However I do feel bad about it after I stop screaming die mother f***** several times 🤷🏼‍♀️

  87. After my first cataract surgery, I was walking down the corridor and a big, ugly, spider lowered down in front of me and I almost fell over trying to avoid it, and I thought about what I would have done if I had still been mostly blind and walked right into it…

  88. Not that the knowledge would have likely limited your sudden burst of athleticism, but I’m fairly certain via some (ahem) web research that you met up with a goldenrod crab spider (Misumena vatia).

  89. There ARE spiders everywhere! And I have issues with that: Why the long legs and and fat bodies with extra eyes and creepy designs? Why the web that is always at face level? Why do the ginormous ones have FUR??? (It in no way makes them cute!) Why do the tiny ones jump? And WHY are they always in the shower?
    They are why I’ve taken Australia off my bucket list(Thanks friends who think sending me pictures of the Huntsman spider is funny). and why I eye the bananas in the grocery store suspiciously despite living in the Great Plains(again, thanks friends who think videos of tarantulas in the produce aisle are hilarious). They’re also why my mother thinks I’m crazy, because she is a chase/carry them outside sort of person and can’t understand why I find a giant(body the size of a half dollar)orb weaver hanging in the window disturbing, or jump at a photo of wolf spider her neighbor sent. Yep, that’s the thing that’s effed up about me: my love of exterminators. She called that one.

  90. Awwwww…the poor little spider just wanted to compliment you on your amazing new glasses!!! They are lovely Jenny. Hopefully no more spiders will be trampled while trying to admire you. They just love you….really, really love you. oxoxox

  91. First pair of glasses I had were so strong I was walking around like a space man,everything was rounded and appeared massive !

  92. One time I found a spider IN MY PANTS. IN. MY. PANTS. The asshat spider then had the nerve to bite me! Excuse me, spider, didn’t mean to startle you by putting on MY pants!!!

  93. As I was reading this and got to the part about the spider, true story, a big creepy crawly – I don’t know that it was officially a spider or what, I’m travelling in France and it may be some kind of ancient creature we don’t have at home – but this huge thing that was at least 3 inches around but skinny like a daddy longlegs all of a sudden appeared on my laptop screen. I swatted at it twice, to kill it bc I’m sleeping in this place two more nights and I’m not fucking around with prehistoric spidery creatures, and it disappeared but the lighting in here is bad and the tablecloth has a lot of dark parts in its design, so I don’t know if it’s dead or not. But while I appreciate bad lighting bc it is flattering to my face, I think I’m going to have to shake out the tablecloth. Just in case.

  95. What you really need is a big-ass magnifying glass so that you can see the spiders before they see you. Good job you didn’t smell the flower–the spider could have gone up your nose and that would have been truly horrifying.

  96. Anonymous posted about her friend’s filthy house. Yup! I had to start cleaning immediately after cataract surgery.
    So the world is dirtier with clear vision. Also noisier with hearing aids. I understand my dad so much better now.

  99. Hubby got his first HD TV the same day I got new glasses. He was flipping channels saying, “It’s so clear!” and I was walking around the house saying, “I know! Isn’t it wonderful!”

  100. Eleven years old and suddenly I understood bowling wasn’t just throwing hopefully at a pale blur. This post is reminding me that I can donate my old glasses to the Lion’s Club eye bank, who will read the prescription and find a kid who they’ll fit. Bowling for everyone!

  102. I not only hate spiders, but also the eye doctor. I avoid going at all costs. I usually only go when I know I’m going to fail my vision test to renew my driver’s license, and need new glasses – which was this past September. I cried, and asked to waive my glaucoma test, and then found out I have some rare cornea disorder, which I cried even more about. My daughter called me a unicorn because I have all kinds of weird health issues.

  103. Sarah Lunacorn, I foolishly could not resist your advice to google wetas AND JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPH THEY ARE TERRIFYING AND I CAN NEVER UNSEE THEM SO THANKS A LOT.

  106. Please add some swag to your Zazzle shop with the phrase “I blame spiders!” This is the greatest catch-all excuse since “the dog ate my homework”.

  109. While my general reaction to people finding spiders in their homes is to advise burning said house down, I’m not going to recommend you burn yourself down. That’d be a waste of all the money you just spent on your new glasses.

  110. I like spiders, and I’m happy to be able to see them because I’m happy to see at all. I’m terribly nearsighted – I got my first pair of glasses in kindergarten and since my vision got significantly worse every year my whole childhood, I always figured eventually I’d be blind, probably sooner than later. When I first got contacts, I was told that if I got any worse I’d be out of luck, because they don’t make contacts that strong. And also, I developed glaucoma in my thirties, just for fun.

    But here I am at nearly fifty. In the past few decades, they invented laser surgery for my kind of glaucoma. And they invented new contact lens technology for those of us at the super-duper-nearsighted end of the scale. Amazingly, I can still see close to 20/20 with correction. I cherish my sight every day of my life. And I’m so, so grateful to the scientists and thinkers and engineers who came up with treatments and contacts and things to help me see my loved ones’ faces and sunsets and kittens. They never got famous and probably didn’t get rich either, but they spent their careers doing something to improve the quality of life for people like me tremendously. I feel lucky to be the recipient of their anonymous time and care.

  112. I have a major issue with spiders, for some reason they love me, the are slowly eating me one bite at a time, I wake up with spider bites all the time. i will be standing in my kitchen and a spider will drop down to say HI I AM HUNGRY, and try to get on me. I am constantly cleaning out webs and I have had them put stuff out side {poison} don’t read that to loud.. But for some reasons they love to move in and have a join the free buffet of me.There is a variety pack of them, very diverse so I don’t get bored when they run across my lap as I sit on the couch or join me in the shower. I can’t even escape when I leave my house, they are outside and there webs love to blow across my face. I use to freak out now it seems like it is just my life. Maybe the spider is my spirit bug

  113. I love this post and I love your outlook on things. Everything about this is top shelf. Thanks for your witty & finely sarcastic insight missy miss.

  114. I love your glasses and your quirky personality. You’re like the tardis, small exterior then we get a peak inside your brain and it’s like holy crap there’s an attic up here, where are there so many cats wearing mittens. Never change because you inspire so many people

  115. My mum talks about how she got her first pair of glasses as a child. Suddenly she could see thigs she’d never seen before, such as trees.

  116. I can relate to this on sooooo many levels. (Side note, have you ever tried Zenni? I’ve gotten several pairs of glasses from them and they are a boatload cheaper than getting them from the eye doctor. )

  118. I was 13 when I first got glasses and can still remember (close to 40 years later) the first time I could actually see the texture in our gravel street.

  120. I remember getting my gpasses a few years ago. I was so shocked at the difference I was blown away ! Lol now I need new ones and my insurance hasn’t restarted yet… UGH ! Lol
    Enjoy them and the beauty you see.

  121. OMG, you can see him comin’ around the side of the rose in a sort of horrific flip-book situation if you put the pictures on top of one another and move the top picture up and down really fast.

    Also: WHY THE HELL DID I LOOK UP HUNTSMAN SPIDER? ONE WAS ON THAT GUY’S HAND, EATING A GIANT ROACH, WHY, WHY, WHY?

    I was bit in the middle of my back by a brown recluse and got really really sick many years ago, and it still looks like someone put out a cigar on my back, that’s what I got as payback for always putting a glass and a postcard on spiders and bringing them outside. No thank you, just a bite. I still put them outside but don’t get cute about it anymore, “There you go, little spider! Be free!” doesn’t come out of my mouth like it used to.

  123. I️ recently got new glasses too. In new frames that were exactly like my old frames. I️ was very happy until t realized my distance vision wasn’t what it should be. It took me two months before I️ went back to the eye dr. I️ thought it was just in my head, or that I️ needed to get used to them. No. It appears they were incorrect, and I️ am now in the squiggly phase. I’m so grateful I️ haven’t been attacked by spiders yet, I️ think….

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