It’s us, but in dead animal form. But not really dead because they weren’t ever alive. Undead? No. That makes them sound like vampires. So not that. Fuck. I don’t know the word. Hey, how long can a title be? Because this seems excessive. Someone should stop me. Jesus. This is as bad as 280-character twitter.

Victor is finally home from Japan and I didn’t set the house on fire or eat any of our pets while he was gone.  Yay for the small things!

He always comes back from his annual trip with weird gifts that make him think of me and this time he pulled this stuffed toy sparrow at of his bag and I was like, “This bird has the dopiest look on its face” and Victor was like, “Well yeah.  That’s why it made me think of you,” and I’m not sure if he’s trying to be insulting but it doesn’t matter because it makes me laugh every time I look at it.  It’s the same look I have right after the waitress says, “Enjoy your meal” and I say, “YOU TOO!”

“PEOPLE!  RUN AWAY!” ~ this bird

I put the bird next to the stuffed slow loris Victor brought me last year (that would never sit up straight):

“I’M A HUGGER. AND A SUFFOCATOR.” ~ this slow loris.

But then I realized that I could use Slow Cloris Leachman’s little wire arms to hug Sparrow Agnew and that way they’d prop each other up and then they’re suddenly perfect together and they look so awkwardly happy and weirdly uncomfortable.

“Look away. Weird things are about to happen.  This is private.” ~ these guys

Like, no one would have thought to put them together but they fit, JUST LIKE ME AND VICTOR, you know?  And Victor said he didn’t entirely know what I was on about but said he’d agree with me if I just stopped talking and I was like, “THAT IS SUCH A SLOW CLORIS LEACHMAN THING TO SAY” and then Victor said it looked more like the slow loris was just really excited about capturing a bird and eating its face off, and the sparrow looked like she was drunk and pretending really hard not to be drunk.  Which is also a lot like us.  ROMANCE!

I don’t have an end to this post.

103 replies. read them below or add one

  1. You have such a great talent for naming pets (and stuffed animals).

    Did Victor bring you a new credit card?

    (He did. I just used it to buy a book about dissected wax women. I suspect it’ll be cancelled again within the week. ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 7 people

  2. Victor is the best. He is so thoughtful.

    Liked by 1 person

    Gary Lum recently posted MFF0093: Rubella.

  3. 3
    KathyfromCanada

    I love you guys so much

    Liked by 2 people

  4. It makes perfect sense. Geesh Victor. Get a grip…

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Love everything about this. You don’t know how much I needed that last picture today. Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I NEED a slow loris. Not a real one because they shouldn’t be pets but one of these. Really.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Happy Thanksgiving, Jenny! I’m thankful for your writing. And dinosaurs.

    Liked by 3 people

  8. I hope you plan on opening your own museum someday, you have way too much cool stuff not to

    Liked by 2 people

    typicaljenn recently posted #Todaymybosssaid.

  9. Way too meta for me at this point in the day.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Do I have to comment to like this post? I will if I have to because I like this post. A lot.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Nothing better than a post about you and Victor. Love Sparrow Agnew.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. If you guys ever wonder if you are absolutely meant for eachother just find this post and read it again. Seriously.

    Liked by 3 people

    Cassie recently posted 32 weeks huh?.

  13. “awkwardly happy and weirdly uncomfortable” – Relationship Goals

    Liked by 3 people

  14. They both look a little stunned, which is how my husband and I look at each other on a regular basis. Him, because he can’t believe the shit that comes out of my mouth, and me, because I can’t believe he can’t believe the shit that comes out of my mouth. Also, I’m drunk and pretending really hard not to be drunk right now, too. Sparrow Agnew and I totally need to hang out.

    Liked by 1 person

    emilypageart recently posted Follow Your HeArt.

  15. You….you. You make me happy just being you.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. 16
    Stacey Lunsford

    This is a beautiful thing.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Sparrow Agnew has the exact same expression as my real-life beagle.

    A slow loris is awesome. It’s those fast lorises (lorisai?) who are dickholes.

    Liked by 3 people

  18. That’s sweet! The part of your story that reminds me of my husband and me is the part where you say, “they’d prop each other up and then they’re suddenly perfect together and they look so awkwardly happy and weirdly uncomfortable.” That’s pretty much my relationship in a nutshell! LOL. Glad your hubby is back and in one piece.

    Liked by 2 people

    Kat recently posted Thanksgiving, Bigfoot, and Cat Pants.

  19. My god, I needed your humor and crazy today. Thank you!

    Like

  20. Oh my god, I love the slow loris clutching the sparrow. That is ridiculously cute. Happy Early Thanksgiving!

    Like

  21. They look perfect together!

    Like

  22. Do Slow Cloris Leachman’s eyes follow you around the room? She’s kind of freaking me out. Is she strangling that bird or protecting it? Why do these things remind Victor of you???

    Like

  23. I need your amazing naming talents in my life! We just adopted a 4 month old orange tabby male kitten and so far my son can’t decide between meow and kitty for a name lol Love all your posts, they bring light and a smile all of the time

    Liked by 1 person

  24. barry manilow would’ve loved sparrow agnew.

    Like

  25. I would chime in here and say how much I enjoy getting these mental snapshots in my otherwise tedious inbox, but I can never think of such clever, witty things to say as seem to be the requirement from your followers.

    Like

  26. I have to quit taking such long breaks from reading your blog because every time I come back I find Jenny and Victor stories like this that are just full of stuffed toy animal gold. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Eric recently posted Three Stories Into My Second Fiction Collection.

  27. Your blog title reminds me of the emails my dad sends. The entire message is in the Subject line and the email itself is blank. What’s the deal with dads, anyway?

    Liked by 1 person

  28. Slow Cloris Leachman: My preciousssss!

    Like

  29. Next time someone asks for a photo of my husband and me, I may have to screen cap that one, and say, “Here. The Bloggess took it.”

    It would not be a lie.

    Like

    OwnLessDoMore.us recently posted Work camping for Amazon, Part II: Whooooaaaah, we’re halfway there!.

  30. All I can say is…thank god Victor is home….

    Like

    The Hellion recently posted 10 Things You Just Don’t Want To Know….

  31. Slo Cloris Leachman won’t eat Sparrow Agnew. Because he’s so stuffed. Get it? Get it?
    Channeling my dad in preparation for Thanksgiving

    Like

    whatwouldgilliesdo recently posted This actually fucking happened and I need to just crawl into a hole now before I hurt someone.

  32. Just want to say how brave you are to have managed w/o Victor while he was gallivanting in Japan. ❤ And it’s a totally worthy gift!

    Like

  33. I hope the slow loris doesn’t attack the sparrow — lorises are actually a venomous mammal!

    Like

  34. Sparrow Agnew and Slow Cloris Leachman are proud of your perseverance in Victor’s absence. I can see it in their eyes. Their large. Round. Unblinking. Eyes…

    Liked by 1 person

  35. 36
    Misfit Dreams

    Keep the posts coming! I really need your humor right noe. No money, no Thanksgiving, makes me a sad girl. But a sad girl that has to keep a happy face plastered on so the kids and hubby don’t know how much its bothering me. I think I am starting to either look constipated or crazier than normal from my forced cheer.

    Like

  36. Slow Cloris Leachman and Sparrow Agnew have the exact same expressions as a pair of junior prom dates being forced to pose for a picture by their parents and it’s about the cutest thing I’ve seen all day.

    Liked by 1 person

    Jecca recently posted “OPEN THE DOOR, I NEED TO POUR SOME SCIENCE ON YOU.”.

  37. I’m so happy you march to the beat of your own tuba. Animal names, awesome. Inappropriate animal pairings, fantastic. Keep doing you ‘cuz you make (all of) us furiously happy.

    Like

  38. Love the name Sparrow Agnew. How many characters do they let you use in a title? That’s crazy.

    Liked by 1 person

    theycallmetater recently posted Things That Should Be Obvious.

  39. They really do belong together!!!!

    Like

  40. Pretty much everything about this post makes me happy! 💕

    Like

  41. This is beautiful sniff

    Like

  42. Perfect. In every way.

    Like

  43. For some reason I read that as slow lorax instead of Loris. Which is funny because I’ve never really been into Dr. Seuss.

    Like

  44. 45
    Rebecca in SoCal

    Reunited and it feels so good. That song goes on to say “there’s one perfect fit, and this one is it”…it’s Victor’s and your song!

    Love your animal names.

    Like

  45. This is something to be truly thankful for. As are you and Victor.

    Like

  46. I suspect Victor brings you animals just to challenge you to name them. You certainly have a gift.

    Like

  47. I had no idea, until reading this, how desperately I need a stuffed slow loris in my life…and most likely a stuffed toy sparrow. Do you lend Victor out?

    Like

  48. I just read this in the library on my phone and was shaking with silent laughter, and the homeless guy at the next table smiled at me and nodded approvingly. Not sure what to make of that, but it was a nice moment.

    Liked by 2 people

    Natalie recently posted On Current Events and a Thirteenth Birthday.

  49. I dunno, the bird is odd, but really not a replacement for the giant golden chicken you could have had! The Loris is happy though and I guess that counts.

    Like

  50. You are so lucky that Victor buys you gifts that shows that he knows you. I can’t think of the last time my dear husband got me a gift that I didn’t tell him to buy. I guess after 40 years they stop trying……sigh. :). Love my husband.

    Like

  51. 52
    PibbityBibbity

    Love is love. Lol!

    Like

  52. They look like they’ve just been caught doing something illegal, or at least immoral.

    Like

  53. How adorable. They look like they were made for each other.

    Like

  54. 55
    Karen Vollmar

    You do not need an ending to this one. It is absolutely perfect the way it is.

    Like

  55. Don’t eat Sparrow Agnew, Slow Cloris Leachman!

    Gawd, I love you both. 2KewtRU!

    Like

    emelle28 recently posted There is DEFINITELY sumthin' goin' on....

  56. I love your animal names!!

    Like

  57. True love is bizarre and wonderful. 💜💜💜

    Like

  58. It’s like The Viking and I. We’re so different we really shouldn’t be together but we actually are. And some days I’m not sure we really should be but then the next day I think, Yup, we really should be together. :o)

    Like

    Mrs. Completely recently posted My Vacuum Cleaner Sucks.

  59. I laughed from the beginning of this post to the end. Thank you.

    Like

  60. A perfect couple!

    Like

    skullwoman recently posted 642 Tiny Things To Write About: Business!.

  61. And btw…my husband and kids say this is so my spirit animal (and yes this is how I get mad and walk about the house) https://youtu.be/97SUX0LEV68. So rock that dead animal that’s not really dead. (Vampire stuffed animals sound cool, btw)

    Like

  62. Victor picks out the best gifts for you. I love the sparrow and the slow loris. Hey that sounds like a great story!

    Liked by 1 person

    Lisa Orchard recently posted Do You Believe In Synchronicity?.

  63. Can you please go to Japan some time? I feel you’d bring a whole new perspective 🙂

    Like

  64. One big happy huggy family.

    Liked by 1 person

    Gabe Burkhardt recently posted I found a Vampire (and he’s totally cool!).

  65. Next year Victor needs to bring you a praying mantis doll. And then the following year he can give you a hummingbird doll. You can let them embrace and Victor can mention that mantises hang out at hummingbird feeders, catch them and eat their brains. And he would be right.

    Like

  66. You have the best husband ever!!!!!

    Like

  67. Slow Cloris Leachman has lovely eyes.

    Like

  68. I love your pet names. !

    Like

  69. Aww…I love the derpy sparrow. It’s the kind of thing that’s so ugly it’s kinda cute. Like baby vultures. Baby vultures are the ugliest things on the planet but you can’t look at them being derpy baby birds and not go “Damn that’s cute.”

    Liked by 1 person

    mommatrek recently posted I can’t even right now.

  70. 71
    ocularnervosa

    This is such a Disney story.

    Like

  71. “awkwardly happy and weirdly uncomfortable” title of your sex tape (please tell me you watch Brooklyn 99) or your next memoir?

    (I love Brooklyn 99. Jake would be proud. ~ Jenny)

    Like

  72. Victor brings the best gifts. I think the fact he thought an odd dopey bird reminded him of you is why he’s a keeper. Second is the dissected wax women wax statues or did women get waxed then dissected or were they dissected first then put into wax. So many questions

    Like

  73. You have the best stuffed animals!
    Happy Thanksgiving!

    Like

  74. They are cute and weirdly awesome!

    Like

    Tanya Goffy recently posted .

  75. Lovely, that final shot. And, for all I read, JUST like you and Victor.

    Like

  76. Slow Cloris’s face is like, “IS GOOD, YES?”, and Sparrow Agnew is like, “ermmm…sure?”

    (Now I want to change the caption because you’re is so much better. ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 2 people

    Rhubarb Swank recently posted virtual reality.

  77. Any conversation with a server that doesn’t end with them saying “Thanks for coming to see us today!” and me blurting “I love you!” is a win, obviously.

    High-functioning autism makes things so confusing.

    I think Slow Cloris knew somehow that if she waited, one day her Someone would come. Just like the rich guy in Four Weddings and a Funeral. And it’s not that she needs propping up, per se; it’s the comfort of someone Who Gets Her, for real- who’s ready with that shoulder but really, just knows Cloris is his Favorite Place.
    So, yeah, does sound like you and Victor.

    Like

  78. That was just the cutest coupling EVER! Happy Thanksgiving!

    Like

  79. Everything about this post gives me a little hope for humanity.

    Of course, now I want to know the title of the book on dissecting wax women.

    (It’s this one: http://amzn.to/2jfdMyy The Anatomical Venus: Wax, God, Death and the Ecstatic. ~ Jenny)

    Like

  80. tiny creepy birdy makes me want to pick up my pokemon game.

    Like

    dourdan recently posted Journey of Resurrection.

  81. I think the best love, is the love that is perfectly weird. 🙂

    Like

  82. 84
    Madison wilson

    If I send you a pic and description will you please help me name my next pet.

    (Of course. No pic needed. ~ Jenny)

    Like

  83. 85
    Madison wilson

    Please help me name my next pet.

    Like

  84. I will hug him and pet him and squeeze him and name him George.

    Like

  85. Thanks for always making me smile, so glad I found your site.

    Like

  86. I love their names. Winner winner chicken dinner for Victor on choosing the perfect companion for Slow Cloris…. and in life partners.

    Like

  87. VICTOR IS HOME! Hurrah!

    Happy, happy Thanksgiving to your family.

    Like

  88. I feel like you should open a business where you offer to name people’s cats, dogs and other flotsam.

    Like

  89. This is so adorably cute! I’m going to print out the picture of them together. Actually, that’s a good zazzle idea, put a heart around them or something, or a wreath, holiday love. I don’t know but there’s and idea somewhere in there. ❤❤

    Like

  90. Aww the lemur is very sweet-looking.

    Like

  91. Just wanted you to know that years ago I was lying on the beach napping when suddenly I felt a horrific pain in my ankle. I looked up and saw a swan biting the crap out of my ankle! You have a right to be scared of those treacherous birds! Love your 📚.

    Like

  92. This is the kind of love I want… if i ever marry again. Ya’ll are too cute ❤

    Like

  93. 95
    Jacqueline Martino

    Oh Jenny, sparrow me the details. I’d much prefer a post about gulls gone wild. Or desperate house wrens.

    Like

  94. This post makes me believe in love again

    Like

    tlcombs recently posted My Mother: The Crow Hunter.

  95. SPARROW AGNEW!!!?!
    I nearly spewed my tea all over my computer. Thank you, it’s been quite a day and I needed that.

    Like

  96. So next year will he bring back a tiny Hailey equivalent?

    Like

    Awkwardly Alive recently posted I feel like we’re doing the whole “romantic sunset” thing wrong..

  97. Do your clothes need altering? Don’t want to leave home to go to the tailor? Send your items to Vo’s Tailoring. We perform alterations and send your items right back to your door. Visit our site today!

    Like

    recently posted Individuality of your style.

  98. i have 4 children , there ages are 15,5,6,and 8

    (You don’t have a shipping address assigned for your wishlist. Can you add? ~ Jenny)

    Like

  99. i have 2 children , their ages are 9 and 8 . this help would be truly appreciated.

    Like

  100. i am a single mother with 2 children , their ages are 9 and 8 . this would be truly appreciated

    Like

  101. 103
    Kimberly Powell

    I’m a struggling mom right now, I’m in the process of just starting a new job and funds are extremely tight. I have 3 boys and 2 girls and I could just use some help on getting them new coats and hats for the winter. I’d appreciate any helpHi. Check out this list: https://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/1M3EGU74PQUBI

    Like

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