Ow.

in If I was a dog I'd be dead by now, Random Crap

I recovered from the flu (HELL YES) just in time to have debilitating lower back spasms (WTF?) and after a few days of pretending it wasn’t real I finally went to the doctor and she gave me muscle relaxers and made me go to a “sports therapy doctor” and that seemed weird because I don’t do sports, but I’m an expert at therapy so I thought maybe it would work, but when I was in the waiting room I heard a woman in with the doctor and she was making terrible involuntary sounds that normal people don’t make unless they’re being crushed to death by a large animal or having really aggressive sex and I didn’t want to do either of those at the moment so I just ran out of the waiting room because apparently I’m eight.

Also, my feet have been numb and weird and the main symptom is “I feel like I walked on invisible scotch tape and the scotch tape is stuck in between my toes and it’s peeling off when I walk but not entirely and I can’t take it off because it doesn’t exist and is this a thing or am I crazy?” and turns out that’s totally a normal (?) thing called Morton’s Neuroma and it’s caused by your nerve getting stuck between your inflamed feet joints. And then I asked my doctor if there’s also a diagnosis for “when you know you can’t start fires with your mind but you still keep trying because maybe this time it’ll work” and she said there’s not a diagnosis for that, but she’s wrong because it’s called optimism.

143 thoughts on “Ow.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. You’re lucky you at least got a diagnosis. One of my doctors said, when I had the numb toes thing, that I had “idiopathic radiculopathy,” which I think is Latin for “It hurts and we don’t know why because we’re idiots.”

  2. God, you cheer me up! I’m also suffering from back problems, with no definitive diagnosis, but I’m still plugging away, hoping for some miraculous recovery. Hang in there, Jenny!

  4. I had a sports massage once. It did the trick but AT WHAT COST? There was definitely an involuntary sound element. I still cringe when I think about it. shudders

  8. Oh, thank you for this. I have a vomiting dog, an insane amount of work, and I just can’t. Thank you.

    Time to clean up the dog vomit under the bed…

  9. I went in for back and hip pain last year, plus weird neuralgia in legs and feet, and the doctor sent me to pelvic floor therapy. And i was all “what does my lady house have to do with my back pain and prickly numbness everywhere?” Apparently, a lot. Anyway. I go now once a week, and by god, this voodoo is working.

    Ps. I have autoimmune disease too, so I get whack-a-mole symptoms.

  10. Hey lady, it sounds like you are having a heck of a time with your body right now… and the past several months. Mine is not cutting me any slack either. It seems like my body is attacking me with one thing after another since a car wreck I had in June. Thank you for your fun spirit and excellent sense of humor. Here’s to us kicking our bodies own asses soon. F*** this new normal!

  12. So I feel you missed your chance. If you heard sounds coming from there that sounded like prom night in the back of a car, you should have been “Hey, when is it my turn” then you could have gotten all judgy and been like, “dude I am not sure what you were doing to her but it wasn’t THAT good.” I will be expecting my money back.

  13. Wonderful lady, since I adore you, I will tell you my life saving help for all my miseries. A very good yoga instructor. I have one who comes to my house. Can’t live without her. It takes some learning as yoga must be taught well and requires practice and patience. The rewards are worth everything. Try it. You will be amazed.

  14. You just made a gloomy and very sad day super bright. Thank you! Now I am totally going to try to light some garbage bins on fire with my mind, because why the fuck not? I like your optimism, Jenny.

  15. Beware if someone says, ” Give your body to me and I’ll fix it.” “Ask your doctor about Lyrica.” Running away and screaming is terrific therapy. Do you still feel any discomfort?

    (The muscle relaxers have helped loads. And possibly running away was just the thing to loosen my joints. ~ Jenny)

  16. My insurance used to pay for massage therapy. Every week I went and got a massage. It was lovely. Now they only pay for gabapentin. I liked getting a massage way better.

  17. I had Morton’s neuroma twice. Steroid shot between the toes, given by a podiatrist works for about three years. I’m two and a half in on the second shot.

  18. Im also optimistic that we will one day be able to start fires with our minds…and that the doctors will actually find out whats wrong with us. The most recent one for me is apparently my cortisol levels are too high, imagine! Stressing about stress hormones, cause Naturally 😛 stupid bodies.

  19. I completely understand the terror. And I can also imagine my daughter (who is 23) fleeing in the same situation. (I would be too scared the doctor would be mad at me for no showing).

  20. I’m sorry, Jennie. I have Morton’s neuroma, too, plus hammer toes (which make me want to scream “Hammer Time!” every time I say it). Two surgeries haven’t helped. I also have bunions that hurt like hell. Both were operated on; one came back and the surgeon says he’ll give me a freebie if I come back. Hmm. Not sure about that.
    I did ask him if he could just cut off my feet and give me wheels, but he said no. Sigh.

  21. Glad you got over the flu.
    Also, with everything your body puts you through you would think being able to start fires with your mind is the least it can allow you to do. That would be handy for bbqs.

  22. I have had severe muscle pain after a virus it was diagnosed as this: Myositis sometimes occurs as part of a systemic (whole body) infection, especially a viral infection. It is especially common among people who have the flu (influenza) Feel better!

  24. Do the therapy. There are so many minor issues that can be resolved through physical therapy that if left untended may end up being major and requiring surgical intervention. I hated it but it made a huge difference in my healing. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure or something like that.

  25. Yep, Morton’s Neuroma. I had one and had it surgically “fixed” which I do not recommend. Leave it alone. Now ALL my toes are weird feeling. Indescribable other than weird.

  27. I love this because I’ve always wanted to start fires with my mind. Especially this month. ALL THE FIRES!!! Also, my baby finger has been tingling all week,and I am hoping I am going to win the lottery, retire early, and live in a house with interior chocolate walls.

  29. I just want to wrap you in bubble tape and a scoonchy comforter and push you around in a wheelbarrow. Pronounced “wheelbarra” like my dad says it. 🙂

  30. Lol to running out of the waiting room! And sorry to hear of ‘scotch-tape toe’… I have had a recurring ‘electric toe’ for years although he haven’t visited in a few months. Good luck 🙂

  32. I’m 108 years old and they send me to sports therapy for a wonky hip. I think I need geriatric therapy, but noooo…I was prolly the one making the noises you heard.

  33. I finally went to the chiropractor for the first time after dealing with degenerative discs for 30 years. The noises his table contraption makes as he adjusts it before adjusting ME are almost as loud and scary as the noises I make as he pops my spine in a million seemingly unnatural places.

  35. Having you muscles irritate the nerves in your low back can totally cause nerve pain I your feet. Take a buddie and see a physio or someone.

  36. Ugh! You can’t catch a break lately! PT waiting rooms are the worst. Especially if everyone else’s injury is caused by dunking in the last few seconds of the state championship and you’re there because you stepped on a Lego wrong. #hero

  37. I get a lot of generally numb things (sometimes it’s my face and it feels like walking through spiders!), but I have not experienced such as scotch tape. Also “Morton’s Neuroma” is a terrifying name, but I also think every condition that’s “[Person]’s [Problem]” sounds completely terrifying.
    You should do the therapy, though maybe not in a place where you can hear other people screaming. That sounds less than therapeutic.

  39. If you were running away, aren’t you now technically doing “sports”? Also, PT can be pretty great and not painful. Check out the Kinsey Method. (From someone who had multiple dislocations now that’s painful enough to stop seeing color)

  40. Omg get a real massage already woman. They make you feel soooo good and take away the spasms and pain and Discomfort if you go to the right one. And there’s the rub finding the right one because no massage should make you hurt if you’re lying on someone’s table you should be totally relaxed at all times. I should know because I’ve been doing them for 20 years now and it’s the greatest thing ever. If you can’t find one who’s the best then send her to me if she wants to learn how to make someone melt into the table. I’ll teach her. Or him. Doesn’t matter. Love your blogs by the way.

  42. I had neuromas in both feet that I ignored until I could barely walk and the only option was surgery (“if you’d come in months ago we could have tried a cortisone shot, that usually helps.”) They recurred after surgery and this time I went to the doctor promptly. He started me on ultrasound treatments and while the appointments were a little time-consuming (half an hour once a week for a month, then every other week for two months, then once a month for about a year after that) they were easy, non-invasive, and worked. Also at one point he gave me a shot of novacaine (!) in my foot to break up the scar tissue from the surgery and that worked GREAT. Weird, but true.

  43. Congrats on no more flu! I’m sorry your back and toesies aren’t doing well. I have a torn disc in my lower back and two herniated discs above the torn one, so I’ve been in tremendous pain as well. When my nerves get pinched between the discs it almost feels like my butt cheeks are falling off and sometimes I have to reach around to confirm they are still there and then my legs go numb too so basically the bottom half of my body doesn’t work right.

    Yay to bodies that don’t work!

  44. If you go to South Harmon Institute of Technology (acronym that), you can take a class that teaches you to blow shit up with your mind. You have options.

  45. Omagerd, have icky toes syndrom too! I found out the the nerves in my legs are breaking down. It is called Peripheral Nerve Disease, ingnited by an autoimmune deficiency. Insert sad face here.

  46. My husband is a licensed athletic trainer. He’s always are first “go to” before spending money on anything else. I’d highly recommend their knowledge.

  49. OMG… i love reading her stuff, especially when it makes me laugh out loud and then everyone’s all like, “why you laughing” and either i don’t tell them or i do and then they just look at ME like I’M wierd. ________________________________

  50. Love you lots, Jenny, but old age isn’t for sissies. I have the back thing, the toe thing (thanks for the diagnosis, my last DR said it was all in my head, I replied no it’s all in my toes!!!), aching feet from various jumping injuries I got as a child, and any bones I have broken or cracked in my lifetime hurt like hell when the weather changes (a lot up here in Idaho!). But, as the saying goes, “growing old is better than the alternative”!!! Laurie (in pain) from Idaho (wherever that is!)

  51. Get a good podiatrist and get the Morton looked at. I went too long and while we tried a lot of non-envasive treatments , I ended up having surgery. I still have some weird feelings in my toes but the shooting pains are gone and for that I say winner winner chicken dinner. Hugs!!

  53. You have my complete sympathy. I blew out my bottom disc and it got into a fight with my sciatic nerve who immediately sent lightning bolts through my ankle and foot. It sounds like it should be a Super Power but the reality is Super Power-ful Pain and the lightning bolts are nothing but shocks. It sucks. Sorry for your pain. :o(

  54. I’m glad you are over the flu. I have chronic back pain – worse in my lower back – and just after New Year’s I pinched my sciatic nerve on the left side and had muscle spasms on the right. I’ve been going to the physio for the past three weeks where she does ultrasound, Western acupuncture and TENS on my back, plus she gave me exercises to do. It’s helping but slower than we both would like. It’s still too inflamed for her to do any massage.

    Go back to the physio, Jenny. It really does help.

  55. If, by any small chance, you want to experience REAL (but not lasting) PAIN– the kind cultivated only by the most dedicated BDSM peeps on steroids– give myofacial release a try. Hit me, hurt me, make me write bad checks. The only bad news is IT WORKS and your pain will disappear. Forever. Darn.

  57. Oh, my goodness, your involuntary noise line made me laugh ridiculously hard. Also, you’ll probably be billed for the sports therapy since it worked. They were able to turn debilitating back spasms into the ability to run, without even seeing you. I think that’s success. 😉

  58. OH MY GOD Thank you for mentioning Morton’s Neuroma! I constantly have this phantom sensation in my foot where I feel like I have something in my shoe or I’m standing on a pebble or I have something stuck to my foot, BUT THERE’S NEVER ANYTHING THERE AND I THOUGHT I WAS GOING CRAZY. I’m so glad that’s a thing.

    Also glad you’re over your flu. Not glad at all that you’re having back spasms. I hope those stop soon because you need a break where nothing on you is… breaking.

  59. My left leg suddenly feels longer than my right, so I limp now. What on earth is that? Some kind of weird body dysphoria? My chiropractor better come up with some answers.

    Anyway, I gave myself Morton’s Neuromas on both feet at the 2017 Women’s March. They really cramped (!) my style in tap class. The “cramp roll” step was murder. I started wearing clown shoes (Altra running shoes) and wearing Correct Toes to spread my toes out when I wasn’t wearing shoes. I started to see a difference in just a couple of months letting my toes spread. So, pain over, no shots, no surgery. Your mileage may vary.

  61. I have the scotch tape toe thing too! I didn’t know it was a real thing. Luckily just one toe thinks it is bound in scotch tape that is coming off and not all of them and not all the time, less now that I’m doing regular exercise (like in general not specific to any injury or diagnosis).

    Get better. A good PT person is worth their weight in gold. The insurance companies must think so too because they pay almost all of the claim. Like a doctor bills them $200 and the insurance company gives them twenty bunks. The PT person bills them $800 and the insurance gives them $600. And yes involuntary groans and sometimes even tears happen. It’s all part of the healing process.

  63. I’m currently awaiting biopsy results, and I am in the mood to burn everything down. Because apparently I deal with stress by being really pissy and wanting to burn things. As if I’m not bad enough already

  64. As someone who had an intermittently buzzing right breast for several months after a lumpectomy and radiation — kind of like it had a cell phone inside it, set to vibrate — I commiserate with your toe thing.

  66. I would have left, too. In a flat out hurry. There would have been a Heather-shaped hole in the door.

    I hope you’re feeling better really soon because this is starting to verge on the unfair.

  67. Makes me feel so much better about my foot injury (tried to stand on sleeping foot – ankle and foot opted out);shoulder tendon thing (overenthusiastic use of arm, I am a gardener, I use the arm) and the fact that my cat doesn’t care. Get better soon, we are all rooting for your parts to function properly x

  68. Apparently back spasms can be caused by dehydration. Since you’ve just gotten over the flu, I recommend drinking a lot (of water, preferably). Also, hydration can help reduce inflammation. I know this sounds like lame, basic advice, but drinking water is better than being crushed to dead by a large animal, all things considered. Feel better soon!

  70. Treatment for Morton’s neuroma: tape you two toes together. Not the big toe, but the two next to it. This really helped me and my father. Stand barefoot—you’ll notice those two toes spreading apart. Tape them together. There’s also shots but they go in through the top of your foot. This really works. Best medical advice I ever got and I’m giving it to you for free. Use medical tape not scotch or masking. Available at H-E-B

  71. My Morton’s Neuroma feels like a weird dead spot so I just say I have a haunted foot and call it a day.

  72. Yep… I’ve had those Morton’s Neuromas…. to me it felt like my toes were on fire and yet they were cool to the touch. I would have to pull over on the side of the road while I was driving to make sure there wasn’t something burning my toes. The whole family thought I was crazy, but that’s nothing new. Thank god for the podiatrist, who constantly validates me.

  73. I’m seriously impressed by your ability to exactly describe the symptoms of your scotch-tape-foot condition. If I go to the doctor, I usually end up mumbling some nonsense about a badger living in my stomach or a band of misfit bees attacking my neck. They never understand and they send me away with only a head shake. Meanwhile, I’m stuck with the resident badger.

    I really hope your body starts cooperating soon!

  74. Another thing I was diagnosed with! I have “indoor shoes only” that I wear around the house and it has disappeared. Do you go without shoes in your place? Also, handknit socks help with inflamed painful feet joints. If you don’t knit I can knit a pair for you if you tell me your shoe size.

  75. Today I bent down onto my knees, and one felt like it was on fire and my skin was ripping open. That was after all the crunching noise they make when I bend them. I was cleaning the floor board. I won’t do that again. Today I’m the bug…not the windshield.

  76. I had a terrible stomach virus where I was vomiting all over the ER. It was dreadful I couldn’t keep the anti-vomiting medication down so they had to hook me up to an IV.

  78. So, I’ve been feeling like I have scotch tape stuck to my feet/toes for several weeks now. And, I mean, I have a toddler in the house so I can’t count the number of times that I’ve actually looked and figured I was just freakin’ crazy when there failed to be tape or a sticker or something there. I’m not crazy!! (Well, in regards to the feeling anyway…)

  79. As someone with periodic agonizing back spasms caused by stress, the sports massage/physical therapist/chiropractor who doesn’t he can cure flu with bone cracking/whatever is definitely the way to go. It’s not a fun appointment, but when I go it always helps and they usually give you exercises and stuff to do on your own to keep it from happening again. I’m just guessing, of course, but it’s likely that the real issue is that since you’ve been sick, you haven’t been moving around as much as usual and everything is all tense and stiff and weak. If they can get you moving, walking around usually helps a lot too. Good luck!

  80. At least your various ills are taking turns…I guess. Maybe remind them of the “fell into quicksand, lose a turn” spot on the board so you can take an emmer effing break!

  81. I have been spending ENDLESS DAYS in doctors’ office so far this year. I am about to start carrying a giant rubber hand so I can slap each and every one of them upside the head. I know there is a reason the proverbial “they” call it practicing medicine…. but does it have to be on ME????

  82. This isn’t fair. Why should you have to suffer all these problems? Send them all to some deserving person instead. I have someone in mind, but I’ll let you pick the person.

  83. Find a good-looking podiatric surgeon and have the Morton’s neuroma surgery – i still have fond thoughts about Dr. Theodoulou and rare pain in my feet. And get acupuncture for your back.

  84. What exactly did you do to your body to make it hate you so much? It always seems to be something with you! I’ve never heard of the toe thing but it sounds incredibly annoying. Really hope your body gives you a break soon!

  85. Ugh. I’m sorry. 🙁 Bodies aren’t meant to fall apart like this, are they? If this is what it means to get older (we’re about the same age, I think) then this SUCKS.

  87. I feel like telekinesis is for pessimists too, because if not then you have burst a rather big bubble…which probably contained water that would put the fire out anyway. Fuck.
    -finesorts

  88. Congratulations on getting over the flu! I usually don’t get until everyone else has had it. I’ve got a problem with one of my feet. It’s called Hallux Rigidus. In Latin. The Enlish translation is Stiff Big Toe.
    I zhope your neuroma//neuropathy clear up quick!

  89. Neuroma………argh! I was just dealing with that and I went to a really good shoe store for runners/walkers and the guy fitted a very wide toed shoe, for walking, with an insert and a metatarsal pad, which felt like I was walking on a half a potato and after a few days the pain went AWAY! I also have to walk STRAIGHT, no slouching in the walk. Good luck.

  91. I feel your pain only in a different part of the body. I seem to be a Petri dish for whatever is the ‘in’ contagious disease of the moment. If pneumonia is available it’s mine, then there is Bronchitis which often turns to pneumonia, which I had 2x in 6 mos. And, of course let’s not forget flu. We are in Mazatlan MX and just returned from the Dr. He put me on steroids (does this mean I will grow hair on my chest?) Also added Predinsona which I can translate but one other that I can’t called Cefixima?

  92. I had sports therapy the other day. It involved sitting in a bar, drinking a lot of wine, and watching rugby with a bunch of other rugby enthusiasts. I was half in the bag, so I talked to them. It was pretty good therapy.

  93. Yikes! Just don’t say or think, “Things can only get better”, as this is a challenge to Murphy and his laws…

  94. Your back could hurt if you spent more time than usual in bed with your flu. That’s happened to me. I just did stretching exercises in the shower after the heat got my muscles relaxed. Google it. Prayers for healing Jenny.

  95. Here’s to optimism!!! I’m sorry about your back!

    You know what? Doctors piss me off. I had to get a new doctor because my regular decided to go out on his own and open a “concierge medical office”. Anyone heard of this? It’s the new thing. You can be their patient by invitation only and you have to pay an annual fee of $2300+ for the honor. So, my new doc met me once and decides he doesn’t like that I’m on anxiety meds and wants me to try a low dose of Zoloft as a mood stabilizer. So, I was doing well on Monday morning and I took it and guess what? That crap gave me worse anxiety, plus it made me angry and sad and just altogether like dying. Hopeless. I think I’m going to find another doctor.

  96. I put my back out during an episode of flu several years ago. Only I could hurt myself vomiting. It took 4 months of PT 3 times a week to fix it. I hope yours does not take that long. Have you tried alternating between trying to light fires and trying to push objects instead? I imagine it’s like exercising, and every now and then you need to change of your routine to see results.

  97. I had lower back pain… I saw an extremely gentle osteopath (really I just lay on my side and she moved my legs up and down in the foetal position. That’s it). Then I got numbness in my right toe… then partial paralysis down the whole leg and I couldn’t stand straight without holding a crutch to push me upright against gravity (and pain). Turns out a spasming Piriformis muscle (across the lower back) feeds through a hole in your hipbone where the sciatica nerve resides…thus squishing it. Oh and also my sister and mum have the same hip issue… so I’m really more like a pug or something with congenital hip defects.
    Only thing that fixed it was anti-inflammatories for a good 5 weeks. Not great for my liver, but I survived.
    Also, I had the scotch tape feeling…but between my brain and base of my skull when I’d walk early in the morning. No idea what that was, thought I was crazy. Glad someone else describes symptoms like me. xx

  98. I once had to go to PT for my knee and they hooked me up to a machine they called “The Russian.” It electrocuted my muscles so my leg would snap straight out. (The knee had been dislocated multiple times and I couldn’t straighten my leg without immense pain.) After a minute I got 15 seconds to “rest” and then the torture began again. The tech left me alone once he’d turned The Russian on, but he came back after three minutes and said, “Ma’am…we um need you to stop screaming. The other patients are getting uncomfortable.”

  99. Hey, I’m having surgery on my lower back next month because of the stabbing, burning, throbbing pain. That’s going to be fun!! But at least maybe they’ll give me the good pain meds! I’ve been through all that PT crap – none of works. But, good luck. 🙂

  100. I love that other people are identifying new diseases in themselves too! I just self-diagnosed Raynaud syndrome in my fingers. Tell me you have it too?!?

  102. I feel your pain. Seriously. I strained my low back stacking hay because Rheumatoid Arthritis and my doctor’s “lifting restrictions” are not the boss of me. Muscle relaxers, a TENS unit, and a heating pad are my go-to back pain treatment. Because I’m not going to my doctor and admit to ignoring him.

  103. I have had back pain for close to ten years now. The nerves in my lower back were crushed and so I gat pain in my back and all down my legs and into my toes, so I can totally relate! Thank you so much for putting into words exactly how I have felt!! 😁

  104. I’ve been dealing with Morton’s Neuroma for 15 years—it’s the worst. I can’t wear any real heels ever again. 1.5 inches is my heel height limit, and even that can cause problems for me. Be careful and wear cushioned shoes like sneakers for a while to cushion the nerve while it’s super-inflamed.

  105. I too am recovering from a nasty shitvirus and there fire haven’t moved around much in the last two weeks. I gave recurring back pain that flares up when I don’t move around a lit and the only remedy is to get off my ass and move around. It sucks. Today at work I tweaked my back by sitting down. SITTING DOWN. Not lifting something, not bending incorrectly, but in the act of sitting the fuck down. Walking works best for me but it’s cold out where I am and in top of everything else it snowed today and the boots I was wearing aggravated my plantar fasciitis. I’m a hot mess of ouch and phlegm and I feel ya babe. May we all get better soon!

  106. Look into the Dietrich Klinghardt treatment for Lyme/pain. I tested negative many times for Lyme, but had many symptoms, did protocol anyway…within a month, I was feeling better…three months later…I feel almost normal. I had the numb feet, mysterious pains everywhere, panic, anxiety, heart palpitations, acid reflux….
    I started with magnetic therapy and then did ultrasound therapy.

  107. Please don’t go on Lyrica! I ran out once and had to wait several days before it got refilled. I went to a black place of insomnia, physical agony, and suicidal thoughts. I will be on it for the rest of my life.

    I think gabapentin is less addictive. But muscle relaxers are better.

    Feel better.

  108. Oh man that blows. I was at the urologist tonight and she suggested more kegels to repair the pissy pants issue my kids gifted me with. Then she said, “or you could do physical therapy”. What does THAT look like? Ben wa balls and a therapist cheering me on while I do vag excercises?

    Feel better 😗

  109. I went to wish a friend a happy “milestone” birthday (4 weeks after my own), only to find she and her husband had come down with flu. Now I can’t even tease her about age.

    On the lighter side, I went to physical therapy for back/hip pain today, and it seems it’s mostly muscular (which means curable if I do the exercises!) So, yay! PT feels like taking control of my health/state of being. Also, I really enjoyed the first place I did PT a few years ago…the clients(?) socialized while icing down.

  111. So śorry all of this is happening, I have had Morton’s . Wore an orthotic for a few months it went away. I hope yours does too. Yesterday, randomly, my daughter’s water heater failed in her apartment right while we were standing next to it. I thought of you, because you know ..water where it doesn’t belong

  112. Glad to hear you kicked the flu to the curb! Gives me hope–I woke up this morning sounding like a velociraptor with a 4-pack-a-day habit…so it begins… 😷🤧

  113. YAY for beating the flu! Hoping your toes catch up and start feeling better too. Thanks for brightening the start of my day with your optimism and brilliantly unique take on life. I hope the universe returns the favor and gives you a whole lot to smile about today.

  114. Hmmmm….invisible Scotch tape? I wonder if that’s the same as KNOWING there is a long hair tangled around your toes, only your husband says it isn’t there… Asking for a friend of course. 😉

  115. Oh Jenny! I have a Morton’s Neuroma. I was diagnosed 3 years ago and have to wear a special insert in my shoe. Pain gone. But also gone- cute shoes.

  116. Oh Ms. Jenny,
    I can’t tell you how sorry I am to read about your back problem and the foot numbness! I am 47 years old and have dealt with back pain since I was a teenager. But for the last 16 years it’s been non-stop chronic pain. I also have numb feet (and legs) but it’s from the nerves in my back.
    I know physical therapy sounds scary but it works for a lot of people. You should take a picture of your chicken to make the doctor think twice about hurting you!
    Take care of yourself!

  117. I am glad I can’t start fires in my mind. There would be news reports about bad drivers bursting into flames everywhere here….film at 11.

  120. I loved reading your books and so I started reading your Blog because you make me laugh at life and I need that. I am sorry that you have had so many medical issues. I wouldn’t wish them on anyone, but especially not on someone I enjoy so much! Anyway, I am writing because I have something you would find funny. I was texting my daughter at college the other day about one of her cats here at home. He has a lot of issues, both psychological and physical. He has always been bulimic, which lead to his nickname Barfy. Recently, he has developed allergies and is very sniffeley. Probably not a word. I have now started to refer to him as McSniffles. So, I texted my daughter about Barfy McSniffles using the voice dictator because the cat hates when I text while holding him and the voice person wrote Barfy makes nipples. I almost peed my pants laughing and thought you might find it funny. Have a good day and take care of yourself. I say that in a selfish way because I like hearing from you.

  121. So wait…so there are times when you DO want to have really aggressive sex? Just asking for a friend.

  122. Oh I am glad you’ve been directed to a sports medicine place. That “laying on of hands” can feel magical. In my experience it’s much better than any drug. If you’ve picked up a bad posture habit or need a better chair to be sitting in while computing or assembling dollhouses, they will suss that out and keep you from re-injuring yourself. I hated doing the exercises at home so didn’t endear myself to them, but I was happy to show off while at their facility, so I did progress, though at a slower pace. Be well, internet friend.

  123. PS As your internet auntie, please continue to do all the stuff you did to get well- the hydration and enough sleep are still necessary. Part of the reason we are getting hit so hard with these “bugs” is that we’ve suppressed previous bugs without fully recovering from them. The body floods us with brain chemicals and any unwary B or C vitamins it finds, which feels great but isn’t the full fix that comes with hydration, enough sleep and whole foods.

  124. Huh…I recently had the flu and ended up with some unexplained funky back pain and foot nerve crankiness as well. My left foot keeps buzzing like a joy buzzer. good times. Maybe is a post flu side effect for both of us? I’d be interested if anyone else had a similar deal. Mine is fading out finally, so I hope the same for you 🙂

  125. Morton’s Neuroma SUCKS!!!!!
    So do back spasms. The upside of the spasms is you can get “therapeutic massage” at a PT provider and your insurance will usually pay for it. Ask your doctor to write you a script for PT that calls for massage 3 times per week for 3 weeks (totally worth it and it doesn’t constipate you like muscle relaxers do!)
    Also, if you have to choose between injections and surgery for the Morton’s Neuroma, take the surgery!!! The injections will only delay the inevitable and they hurt like several mother fuckers, so I say SCREW THOSE SHOTS!
    Get better soon!

  126. I feel like a traitor to your tribe by saying this, but you being able to start fires with your mind seems like a VERY BAD IDEA. One accidental mental slip, and your taxidermy collection is a raging inferno waiting to happen.

  127. You know, most of the X-Men have a cool gift that is coupled with some kind of physical abnormality. Maybe you are just in the process of mutation and you’ll get pyrokenesis, but with the strange gait of someone who has Scotch tape between her toes.

  129. This may sound weird and has nothing to do with pain. Instead, trying to start fires with your mind might be more common than you think. For years, through boring college classes, and now through boring speeches and work meetings, I stare intently at the speaker. They think I’m paying rapt attention…but …no. Instead, in my head I’m saying, “Burn….Buuuuuuurrrrrnnn,” in the hopes that maybe they’ll just burst into flames and I can leave. It has never worked BUT there was this ONE time when I was really staring and thinking “Burrrrrrrnnnn” when the guy took off his tie and loosened his shirt collar because HE SAID IT WAS HOT! I almost jumped for joy. But that’s the closest I’ve ever come. Maybe with practice we can all perfect our technique?

  130. I go see my sports therapist every week! He’s a total meanie but he does keep me functioning! I probably make allll sorts of horrible noises in between the curses.

  131. I have optimism too! I keep trying to clean my house Mary Poppins style by snapping my fingers in hopes that stuff will put itself away. My husband thinks it would be a better use of my time to just wish us a few million dollars and then I can just hire a cleaning lady (or man; I am an equal opportunity employer).

  132. Don’t be afraid of the sports medicine place. “Sports medicine” is a code name for physical therapy: it translates to: our-clinic-is-attractive-to-athletes-who’ll-pay-cash. Your back spasms are safe from whatever the future tennis pro was grunting at. You should know, though, that if your lower back is spasming, PT’s LOVE to make you do pelvic tilts, which would be a bit disconcerting if you could hear the sexual grunting noises from the next room. So don’t be afraid, but feel free to be creeped out a little. And you could try restorative yoga for back spasms? I’ve had good luck with that (but I don’t like the hot kind).
    I feel bad for your poor feet, as I have nasty foot arthritis and when those joints flare all sorts of weird stuff happens.
    Hopefully your feet and back calm the f down soon,and you can get back to important cat pictures. ☺

  134. OMG! Morton’s Neuroma totally explains what is wrong with my foot (burning pain, invisible tape). It’s nice to know there is a name for one of the things that is wrong with me. Thanks!

  135. Your Morton’s Neuroma sounds much less painful than mine. When I had one, it felt like I stepped off the sidewalk and onto a nail. I tried non-surgical stuff to correct it – all failed – and then when I finally saw the surgeon who was to surgically go into my foot to remove/correct it, he pressed on it and I nearly passed out! (So I got a general anesthetic without having to fight for it, which was VERY GOOD, because I did NOT want a local for foot surgery.)

    Also, my Morton’s Neuroma was a compressed nerve in my right foot, so it wasn’t officially diagnosed as a Morton’s Neuroma until AFTER my surgery, when the surgeon got into my foot, saw it, removed it, and was all, “Yep, it was a Morton’s Neuroma all right.”

    And lastly, my surgeon was mean, but he was nice to me. 🙂 (I did what he told me to do, unlike that one guy I heard him yelling at…)

    🙂

    I hope your Morton’s Neuroma responds to the non-surgical methods of treatment! <3

  136. Sometimes my fingers and toes go numb for awhile….like an hour….or a month. And sometimes I randomly just tell people about my toes being numb for so long like it’s no big deal and they freak out a little. Which is entertaining and gives me a reason to look forward to my toes going numb for no reason. I’m not sure what this says about me as a person, but I do have fun with it and that is all that counts.

  137. Honestly Jenny….just give the stinkin’ neuroma back to Morton and you’re done with it!!! Your brain must be addled from the flu…it’s such an easy solution, I’m sure you would have come up with it yourself if you’d been in your right mind. 🙂

  141. Find a physical therapist office where no one is screaming. I recently started having spasms in my lower back which the PT said was probably from a tight periformis muscle. A few weeks of concentrated stretching and I was pain free for the first time in years. Go!

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