I wrote this whole post and didn’t once make a joke about getting a little head. YOU’RE WELCOME, WORLD.

in Random Crap

me: What did you get me for Valentine’s Day?

Victor:  Nothing.  What did you get me?

me:  ALSO NOTHING.  This is why we make such a good couple.  Because we get matching gifts for each other literally without even trying.

Victor: High-five.

me:  So since you didn’t actually get me anything…

Victor:  And here it comes…

me: …I was just thinking that I found something I want and it’s only $25 so if you want I could buy that and it could be my Valentine’s present.

Victor:  And it’s?

me:  A human head.

Victor:  *sigh*

me:  But it’s a fake one.  See.  LIKE, HOW DO I EVEN CHOOSE THE BEST ONE, RIGHT?

Victor:  JESUS.  By “best” do you mean “least likely to eat your face while you sleep?”  I think I’d rather you get a human head.

me:  You can’t get a human head for under $25 unless you go out and make one yourself and you know how much I suck at arts and crafts.

Victor:  So what do I get Valentine’s Day?

me:  The joy of making me happy without having to do any work?  The shared ownership of a cool-ass doll head?

Victor: *more sighing*

me:  A frugal wife who isn’t making homemade human heads at the kitchen table?

Victor:  Hard to argue with that one.

me:  No one ever has.

148 thoughts on “I wrote this whole post and didn’t once make a joke about getting a little head. YOU’RE WELCOME, WORLD.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. I reckon it’s win win if Victor goes out and forks over $25 for a human head for you. Better than dinner or a box of chocolates!

  4. So….which one?

    (The one with the crown. Although they are all lovely in their own way. ~ Jenny)

  6. It’d serve him right if you did start DIY-ing your own human heads.

    Then again, you don’t want him to suddenly take it upon himself to make one for you, so just get the one with the tiara and then YOU CAN ALSO WEAR THE TIARA SOMETIMES! Bonus!

  7. Can you buy the “Unusual Novelties” sign? Because I need to hang that above my bed. A single girls needs all the help she can get in the romance department.

  11. There is a hairy palmed hand and no one comments?!? IT’S LIKE I DON’T EVEN KNOW YOU PEOPLE.

  13. You and Victor have a good marriage. 🙂
    I would just want the sign. Very cool sign. but the best head there is the one with the pink tassels
    around the neck.

  18. Happy Valentine’s Day, Jenny! (and Victor, and Hailey, and Dorothy Barker, and creepy heads on the wall…) 🙂

  20. Tiara one looks like Taylor Swift. Does it sing?

    I think you need the one with the glasses, though.

  25. I hope Victor gets you the creepy head, but on the other hand, I enjoy all the other little projects you post on Instagram, so seeing a homemade craft human head would be pretty awesome! I’m sure it would be Pinterest worthy!

  26. I want to know what the doll was doing that caused it to get a hairy palm. That then fell off. I feel like the doll head right behind it with the glasses and open mouth probably saw whatever happened.

  27. and the winner is YOU! Loved the post. Thank you for reminding me what this Hallmark holiday should be about…making the ones you love laugh.

  28. lmao i love you 🙂 that is hilarious <3 my hubby and i high fived each other for waking up in the same roof this year as our gift lol #lowmaitenancelove

  29. Since it is Valentine’s Day I would go with the one on the left with the red glasses. Plus, the look on her face kind of looks like she startled herself.

  31. My brother-in-law often trades his artwork for other people’s junk. And once when my sister was cleaning the garage, she found a bag full of Barbie arms and legs. No explanation was ever given, not that you would want one.

  32. Wow – that would make an EXCELLENT night light. I’m thinking the one on the far right with its mouth open. Pop those eyes out and Voila! I love it!

  34. I asked for flowers to be delivered to work, but so far nothing. I’d settle for a human head at this point. But because I’m really mad, I sent him a Valentine’s card and a gift card to Chapters/Indigo so he can feel even worse. Winning even while I’m losing…

  37. My husband gave me a sweet-lovey-dovey card this morning and I gave him one that read “you’re like an onion ring in my order of fries” and I THOUGHT that was ridiculously romantic because of HOW MUCH I love onion rings but you wouldn’t know it by the expression on his face as he read it. That’s it, next year I WANT A HUMAN HEAD, MISTER.

  38. I do have to say you went in an entirely different direction than I was expecting. When its Valentines day and your blog is about getting a little head!. Happy Valentines day Jenny and I hope you get your artificial human head.

  39. @mydangblog….me too. Love my husband to pieces, but honestly, he stinks at presents, cards, flowers and chocolate. I just buy them for myself. Except the flowers. I don’t want the florist to judge and feel sorry for me.

  41. My husband and I agreed on no presents also. So he took me to Red Robin for a Bailey’s milkshake yesterday and he bought me a bottle of pink Moscato today. Apparently he likes me pleasantly liquored up. #winwin

  44. To be fair, you can DIY a human head. It just takes 9 months to make and 18 years to get rid of.

  45. I’ve always found that the biggest problem with making human heads at the kitchen table is disposing of the rest of the human when you’re finished… or, so I’ve heard.

  47. My favorite part:
    me: A frugal wife who isn’t making homemade human heads at the kitchen table?
    Victor: Hard to argue with that one.

  49. My husband gave me a hedgehog for Valentine’s Day and I named it Cuddles. It’s a plush one, not a live one because they aren’t cuddly at all. I should know. Hubby had a hedgehog once named Codger. All it did was snarl and rearrange the furniture in its habitat.

  50. You’re obviously someone who doesn’t appreciate a peaceful night’s sleep. Or you’re one of those black widow women who secretly wants his heart to stop when he turns a corner and comes eyeball to eyeball with that thing.

  51. My husband and I are celebrating our Valentine’s day the same way…minus the heads of course!

  52. Being single I usually buy myself something. But today I got a $350 water bill, the last one was over $700. I hardly use any water, now I want that swimming pool I don’t have. Turns out the meter reader guesses (wrong). An hour and twenty minutes on hold I never got anybody at the water dept. but was promised a call back that never came so I drive to downtown and stood in line . Another promise. Yeah sure. And parking cost $10. Happy Valentines Day😖

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

  53. again, you are someone after my own heart with the dolly heads & all, & our valentine’s day goes similarly, mr dad forgets valentine’s day, buys me the toy or oddity i crave, & then i cook him something, usually a pie.. the secret of 32 years of marriage? lols..

  55. And all the talk about a little head and not a mention of the Eleaphant head (so to speak) in the room) … Probably why I would have been given the hairy palm and told “Shut up, Joe and go away.” Just sayin…

  56. I just want the sign “unusual novelties”, that seems appropriate for most situations.

  62. THE ONE WITH THE CROWN!! And then send me the crown because I can’t get enough crowns. The Viking put a Throne on the back of his ATV (it doesn’t actually look like a throne but I sit quite high and it FEELS like a throne) and when I sit there I can tap him on the head with a Scepter when he displeases me. I haven’t tried that yet but someday. I found a gorgeous over-sized throne in purple velvet at a Canadian/USA border store and The Viking literally pulled me out of the store – it was probably a Crown Royal Whiskey chair but it was awesome enough to put in my house. It’s not because I’m uppity. I’ve had low self-esteem (and a lot of emotional abuse) for my whole life until I met The Viking and crowns keep me from sliding backward. It works for me.

  64. I just skimmed through the comments and of course, I’m the only perv who thinks the little one on the left with her mouth in a “O” is ready to give a little head…seriously??? I can’t be the only one…that is a seriously creepy doll (your choice with the crown in cute and not at all creepy)…but the open mouth…who thought that was a good idea?

  67. The one with the Tiara looks like Taylor Swift. I ALMOST called it creepy, but I feel like that is implied.

  69. The one with the tiara! Her face says I’m interested in what you are saying (but I’m also judging you!). I also kind of says, “Bitch, I do not play…don’t make me take off this tiara.”…so obviously you HAVE to pick her.

  75. We don’t do Valentine’s Day either. Um… nor do we do doll heads. Or human heads.
    I did, however, find the perfect fridge magnet last year. It reads:

    Roses are red
    Violets are blue
    I’m drunk
    Make your own dinner

  78. The one with the glasses is my second fav but lest face it the one with the crown wins. Ps Jenny you made my day

  79. Valentines’s Day is also my birthday which makes it easier/harder for my husband. I’m not quite sure. Either way he knows it would be ridiculous of me to get him a present on MY bday so I get a pass.

  80. I’m curious as to the final destination of “bodiless tiara girl.” What do you plan to do with her?

  81. My daughter’s been making super-creepy doll faces for fun since she was little. I wish I could show you one – I’m sure you’d love them. And it gets better: They’re bite-sized : )

  83. They are lovely. I have a small doll head in my car. I had a larger one that was from a baby I had as a baby but it just freaked my son out too much. Anyway – I think the one with the crown looks like Taylor Swift.

  84. Good choice. Not sure how he’ll top this present next year. I cannot wait to see what you make with it!

  85. Get Tiara Taylor and her whole squad, because the fun thing about a gang of disembodied heads is how they come to life at night and roll slowly around the house looking for new bodies. Bumpity bump bump! (Pro tip: it’s best if the whole household sits up all night nervously shining flashlights into the dark corners in case the heads decide they’d look better on your bodies than the heads you’re wearing now. Come morning your family and/or animals might look … different. Or maybe they’ll be normal, but looking at you with transfixed gazes of horror until you put your hand up to your strange, heavy little head and wonder whether or not to look in the mirror.)

  88. Thank you 🙂 crown lady seems least likely to “eat your face off in the night” …We hope

  89. I vote for the one who looks like Carol Channing. Her eyes are wide with horror (or surprise)
    And her face is cracking. (Next to tiara bitch)

  90. Don’t you just love it when the universe reminds you that you chose the right person? I think Victor and you must have a pretty great relationship. It’s not every man who reacts relatively calmly when you mention wanting a giant baby or a big head!! My husband is like that, too. Only, I think he doesn’t pay much attention when I talk, so maybe…. ah, well. We were talking about Victor. Happy VD, my favorite bloggers!!!

  92. I love how Victor is just so used to your weirdness by now. Am I the only one who thinks the head with the crown looks like Taylor Swift?

  93. The surprised one with the wig and glasses. How is this even a question? (Though it would make a fantastic poll on Facebook.)

  100. Thanks for reminding me that no one ever got ME a human head for Valentine’s Day. Once again, the day of hearts and cupids leaves me disappointed.

  101. I ADORE your conversations with Victor! They’re very similar to the ones I have with my husband 🙂

  102. I was going to say go for the little one with the glasses and the mouth open in surprise, or shock … but then your “little head” comment popped back into my head and now I can’t look at that doll the same way. Would probably still vote for that one though!

  104. You got the least creepy one of all! Maybe because it is a Valentines day gift and not a Halloween gift!

  105. Traumatized baby with the glasses, but you must get the baby werewolf hand also. You can tell they are a bonded pair.
    OR, the old, crumbling flapper head, with the open, yet dead eyes (she’s seen too much in her lifetime). Her satin hat is to die for. She’s parked by Princess Swift.

  111. “me: You can’t get a human head for under $25 unless you go out and make one yourself and you know how much I suck at arts and crafts.”
    Bwahahahaha!! I laughed a little too hard at this. Should I be worried? ?? 🤣🤣🤣

  114. I think Victor might be the one trapped in “Black Mirror”. And I don’t actually find the lack of a little head joke to be a plus, dammit!

  116. My mother in law was admiring the lovely potted cyclamen her son had given me for Valentine’s Day. When she asked what kind of plant it was, before I could answer he pipes up with
    “Chlamydia!” (He is as good with plant names as I am with electronics, but 20 years later we are still married.)

  119. The one with the crown is clearly a Taylor Swift knock off. You’ll need to name her accordingly.

  120. Love how you two celebrated Valentine’s day, Jenny! I also love that you didn’t mentally booby trap him and you told him what you wanted. Everyone wins.

    As for the photo you posted I have to say that Mae West looks a little guilty. I think she had something to do with whatever happened to the hairy hand. Also the fragile looking doll to the right of Princess Taylor Swift looks like Miss Havisham to me.
    I think if dolls could talk she would be scarily jealous of you and Victor…

  122. I’m so glad I’m not the only one that thought the one with the crown looks like Taylor Swift.

  123. Pingback: more from the your highness the bloggess… isn’t she fabulous? i LOVE her!!! – eclectic haze

  125. You could bid on the whole lot and take them all off the person’s “hand(s)!” Ha!!! But for real, what is that in the hand? Human hair? Doll hair? Fur? Do inquiring minds really want to know?!?!?

  127. Hey Jenny, I understand this. We had some friends that had a head (that used to be a mannequin head) and they used to bring it with them when they would visit us. It didn’t have a name – we all just referred to it as “the head”. We moved, our friends divorced, and I don’t know what happened to the head but it did bring us many fun filled moments. Hope it works out for you!

  129. I have a baby doll’s porcelain hand sticking out of a teacup, and a porcelain baby torso with a pair of glass eyes standing on the neck, under a glass dome. I want a head too. Your so lucky.

  132. ‘Getting a little head’ would fit so much better if it had to do with shrunken heads! But, hey, larger heads might feel self-conscious, so …

  134. Please tell me you’re going to attach them to strange things like that next-door neighbor in Toy Story – wait no, I just remembered that that kid was terrifying and evil because he tortured those toys. What exactly are you doing with these heads again?

  138. I believe that one would most aptly express your position, as the wife of the regal domain you rule, with such elegance and grace. Just saying ! P.S., might also make a great cover picture on the front of your next book. There by being sorta of like a two for one gift.

  141. The logic here is flawless. Like Regina George flawless. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t used the same approach. Very effective. I’m taking notes.

  142. Oh good God, those are almost as creepy as the marionette clown dolls my mother used to hang from the bar in my childhood home. shudder They still haunt me in my nightmares…

  143. So happy that u and Victor r together! I make a great couple and love to read your commentary Q:where did u learn to write so unconventionally ? Marie a serious fan

  145. The one with the crown looks eerily like Taylor Swift. I say the one in the back with makeup running down her face.

  147. I think the first on the left is perfect for you…just think of all the things she could be saying/screaming.

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