Why are there penises all over the garage: an attempted explanation

In the last week a series of weird things happened and it’s hard to for me to write right now because there are a million (4) people in my house tearing out cabinets and walls because of the flood damage so I just put it on instagram but people were still very confused so I’m taking a second to update you on how I defended my house from snakes with penises.

First, this from a week ago:

Jesus. Christ. You guys.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on

Later that day a lovely person on twitter was like, “Hey!  You got the bag of dicks!  They were a gift, not a threat.”  (And in fairness they are lovely to squeeze, especially when you’re silently glaring at some dude who is being a total asshole.  Also, they don’t have that weird chemical stink like most of them do, which is nice.  (The squishy toys, I mean.  Not penises.)  And they were so awesome that I stuffed a handful of them in my purse to give to a friend, but before I saw her this happened…

(Trigger warning: If you have a fear of danger noodles just skip to the caption.)

And then I clarified in the comments that it was very small and nonaggressive.  And then I had to clarify again that I was referring to the snake and not the penis.  And also that I was lightly whacking the snake, not the penis.  And if I’m being honest it was actually several penises that I left behind me in a trail as I chased it out through the garage because my purse was stuffed with them and it was open and I was dropping shit out of it while I was whacking, like I was Hansel & Gretel if Hansel and Gretel used adorable severed penises instead of breadcrumbs.

PS. A breakdown of responses to my Instagram video: 70% said it was a helpful snake that would kill pests. 30% were like, “BURN THE HOUSE TO THE FOUNDATION AND SALT THE EARTH SO NOTHING EVER GROWS AGAIN. 1% wanted me to adopt the snake, and if I did I would have named it ‘Hisstopher Columbus’ because he didn’t seem to give a shit that SOMEONE ALREADY LIVES HERE, DUDE. Almost everyone thought I’d buried the lede and just wanted to know more about the penises.  You are welcome.

PPS. Apparently they’re called dindings and you can buy them here.

PPPS. Hisstopher Columbus is fine and I saw him this morning in the yard but he was next to the tree that always has that owl in it and now I’m afraid for it but I don’t want to pick it up so I just stood outside stomping my feet really loudly to scare it toward a safer part of the yard and my neighbor drove by and it totally looked like I thought I was pretending to be Godzilla and I wanted to explain that I was just trying to save Hisstopher Columbus from himself but I figured that would just make things worse.

145 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Absolutely not the point of this whole thing, but I just wanted to register the fact that ‘danger noodle’ is the best name for a snake I have ever heard, and I pledge never to call them anything else even though I volunteer at a zoo and sometimes have to carry them around the reptile house.

    Liked by 20 people

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  2. 😊😊😅🤠🤠😆😀😁😇🤥🤤🤤😈🤧🙂😄😄🙂🤢☺😃😁😊😅😆😇 Sent from Yahoo Mail on Android

    Like

  3. Amazon is having a problem with people getting gifts they didn’t order. Don’t understand the whole thing but apparently now whoever sent you the gift can go in and write a marvelous review about them. Some people are taking it really seriously.

    Like

  4. Hisstopher Columbus is a perfect name for the snake. Hahaha.

    Liked by 6 people

  5. Danger Noodle needs to be a tshirt ASAP. I would buy the shit out of that shirt.

    Liked by 4 people

  6. Shit…did I ever need this post today!! Thank you, Jenny, for all of your fragrantly acceptable squishy penises and for whacking all the things.

    Liked by 2 people

    the incurable dreamer recently posted the twinkle of possibility.

  7. Wowza! Sounds like some an eventful day filled with fake penises, real snakes, and a curious daughter. Too funny!

    Like

    D.S. Lucas recently posted If I were to Complain, I’d tell you about my Ridiculous Day….

  8. I will come and get the snake for you if you need me to. But you are wise to try to keep it around. They eat a LOT of rodents. I just woke my adults up from hibernation, and the male at 3 rats in 5 minutes, and he would have eaten more if I had offered.

    Liked by 1 person

    becomingcliche recently posted The One Where God Smacked Me Upside the Head.

  9. Hisstopher Columbus may have confused the squishy penises for his distant relatives. Perhaps he is just trying to reconnect with his family. You may have to adopt him after all.

    Liked by 3 people

    theladygnome recently posted Tulsa Calling.

  10. I think that if you had more than six penises in your purse, that it would be excessive. But five or six is just fine.

    Liked by 2 people

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  11. It’s nice that the tiny penises have little buttocks as well. I’m not entirely sure it’s anatomically correct, but meh..

    Like

  12. LOVE IT

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Do you ever just question your reality?

    (ALL THE TIME. ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 3 people

    projectvulnerable recently posted Day One..

  14. I love the names you come up with for your ‘pets’!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Your Ps, pps, etc. are as much fun as Terry Pratchett’s footnotes.

    (That is the biggest compliment you could ever give me. ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 4 people

  16. Yes because I am THAT person:
    Snakes aren’t poisonous. They’re venomous.

    If you bite it, and you get sick: poisonous
    If it bites you, and you get sick: venomous.

    I love snakes 🙂 Even the venomous ones…from a distance.

    Liked by 6 people

  17. #adorableseveredpenises

    Liked by 2 people

  18. A Danger Noodle named Hisstopher Columbus. You have no idea how happy this makes me.🐍🐍🐍

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Wow. What a week!
    I found a bull snake in the house one winter when it was worm-sized and released it the next summer. He hung around the yard for years! I got used to handling them. My neighbors used to call me to carry them out of their yards!

    Liked by 2 people

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  20. 20
    Cassie Escalante

    I don’t know how you do it but you turn shitty things going on in your life into a casual comic strip! I always know that when I need to force myself to smile, I come to your blog or Twitter and a loud chuckle comes out! Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Now I’m sad… Why does no one ever send me an anonymous bag of dicks?

    Liked by 5 people

  22. Adorable little snake!!

    Liked by 2 people

  23. Oh how I love you. I couldn’t decide if ‘danger noodle’ was referring to the snake or to the penii (penises?).

    Liked by 4 people

  24. 24
    On the Brink

    I llove this so much I want to tattoo the story on my pale flesh. Thanks for the story and your likely unintentional effort to make me feel less crazy pants.

    Liked by 1 person

  25. Any post that can speak of a bag of squishy penises and a danger noodle is AMAZING! Thank you for the laugh today!

    Liked by 1 person

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  26. oh great. I clicked on the link. Now Amazon is going to start recommending penises to me.

    Love the story. And Hisstopher is a very pretty snake.

    Liked by 2 people

  27. 27
    Josepha Kalsbeek

    My bloodsugar is high so i’m having moodswings up the wazoo… Just now over dinner I was crying because…? No idea. And now I’m reading this and my husband sees me clap my hand over my mouth and tears streaming again… He’s all concerned and I’m laughing about a trail of little penisses. He’s got a lot to put up with. And now I want dingdings.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. Oh, man, flood damage is the WORST. We’re in north Texas and have been fighting with our apartment for a week over what is going to be done and what NEEDS to be done following leaks in our walls, aside from setting a fan in the room and then not showing up again for days.

    Long story short, they’re about to rip up my daughter’s wall to replace sheet rock, drywall, and insulation, and also the carpets and pads still need to be done. Everything is gross and I want to drink heavily.

    Liked by 1 person

  29. We used to have a pair of garter snakes that lived in our window well. They disappeared when the lawn service poisoned our yard and killed half our landscaping. Fun times.

    Like

  30. Thank you. That was lovely, I am a better person now I have read it.

    Like

  31. Danger Noodle? I would never have thought to call a snake that. DH is afraid of snakes. I’m going to have to find a way to use this. Hm…

    Like

  32. Do you need more friends? I ask because I totally need more friends like you!!! Thanks for always making my day brighter with your sense of humor.

    Like

  33. But… what’s the owl’s name? Lena Horned? Hootie Blowfish? Owliver Twist?

    (His name is Owlexander Hamilton. ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 5 people

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  34. These things happen when Victor is there, he just distract you before you notice.

    Like

  35. Danger Noodle is my porn name

    Liked by 1 person

  36. Just to clarify – so “danger noodle” does NOT refer to a penis?

    Liked by 1 person

  37. My favorite part was “…they don’t have that weird chemical stink like most (fake penises) do.”

    Liked by 1 person

  38. Must’ve been a relief to discover that someone sent a bag of penis’s/ peni (?) as a gift not a threat. Good grief! I would’ve freaked but the snake is fine and you should be careful that you don’t get reported for challenging a tiny snake with your dicks, though.

    Liked by 1 person

  39. Just as an FYI you can buy a very long snake stick on Amazon for not a lot of money. Snake sticks are poles to move snakes safely, not sticks that look like snakes. They are easy to use and don’t spread penises everywhere.

    Liked by 3 people

  40. 40
    CreatingTheRoad

    It’s always good to have a plausible explanation for having multiple little penii. Mine will be that Jenny Lawson has some so I had to get them.

    Liked by 1 person

  41. 41
    Loraine Szatai

    You are the BEST thing that’s ever happened to me! After a lifetime of being told so much crap and feeling bad about myself, you get me, and I love your style! You are clever and hilarious.

    Liked by 2 people

  42. I love your snek story! I do love danger noodles, but when they’re anywhere near me, they are sneks. I need a bag of dicks in my life today. I would have one in each hand and squeezed them tightly and repeatedly.

    Liked by 1 person

  43. Nope Rope is also a good name for snakes. Also, I think this stuff happens to you so you can make us laugh our way out of the dark and twisties. Thanks for that.

    Liked by 2 people

  44. I like “danger noodle.” When I worked at summer camp we had to call them “shell-less turtles.”

    Liked by 1 person

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  45. So Australia, has the most dangerous danger doodles of them all 😜

    Liked by 1 person

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  46. My husband once outsmarted a little bitty snake. It must have had a brain the size of a grain of sand, but he was still proud of catching it. It was tiny and bite but seemed to have no teeth.

    Like

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  47. Man, tons of penises often begs the question: from whence did they come? The answer, at least in my professional experience, is typically a profusion of very cheap, light beer with the word “ice” or “best” in it… sometimes both.

    badparentingweb recently wrote something that’s going to blow your goddman mind, and penis, right up (and it has to do with the teacher strike): https://badparentingweb.wordpress.com/2018/03/07/steee-rike/

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  48. Almost wet myself laughing. Boy did I need this today.

    Like

  49. He never outsmarted a penis, except possibly his own.

    Like

    Janet Coburn recently posted What Should Children Be Allowed to Read?.

  50. So, the dingdings look like they’re praying. Is that an accident of design?

    Like

  51. Right as I clicked on the link to the Amazon dingdings, a coworker was introducing himself over the phone to a Mr Dong. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

    Liked by 2 people

  52. I’m sorry, we’re going to need pics of the trail of dicks.

    Like

  53. If it is venomous, it is a danger noodle.
    If it is harmless, it is just a nope rope.

    Liked by 2 people

  54. I love waking up to a post about penises. My day is already made.

    Like

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  55. 57
    Rowan Maia Peacock

    hee hee hee – ding dings.

    Like

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  56. Note to self: Stop following links on The Bloggess’ page, Amazon already thinks you are weird.

    Liked by 2 people

  57. My husband works next door to Topco. For those that don’t know, they make/distribute sex toys. When they moved in next door I guess it was a much smaller facility than the last and they were literally throwing stock out into shipping container sized dumpsters. Brand new stuff. There were these flesh like life size rear ends meant for sexy endeavors, they threw out DOZENS of them. Inside the box were these tiiiny little pussys, about 1/4 the size of a deck of cards. They were so you could feel what the product felt like without actually touching and contaminating it. Anyway, I had a fish bowl of tiiiiny pussys that EVERYONE asked about. I feel your pain.

    Like

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  58. Because people already live here, DUDE, best line of the post. Also very apropos of explorers in general. High five!

    Liked by 2 people

  59. I love how awesome you are at naming things. I’m totally going to hit you up for ideas if I ever become a foster parent.

    Like

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  60. They don’t ship to Canada, my dreams of having a purse full of squishy penises are ruined.

    Like

  61. I’m in the ‘burn it to the ground and salt the earth camp’ That said, Hisstopher Columbus is hilarious.

    Like

  62. This makes me wonder if you imgur, because danger noodle is what we call snakes there, too. And the bag of tiny dicks is just the cutest thing I’ve seen in ages!!

    Like

  63. My niece bought a snake that she feeds frozen mice too …. NOPE! I CAN’T EVEN !!!

    Like

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  64. 66
    Carol Taylor

    My day was a little dull until I read this. Thank you.

    Like

  65. My daughter named her pet snake Severus Snake. He was a good pet. 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

  66. You are so weird. You are amazing! Lol!

    Like

  67. I ❤ sneks. I’d love to have one as a pet but I’m not really all that good at keeping pets who aren’t cats and/or hamsters and/or rats alive.

    Liked by 1 person

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  68. As a child, I once read that you could tell if a snake was venomous by checking the pupils of it’s eyes. A round pupil= safe snake. A slit pupil (like a cat’s) = venomous snake. Do you know how TINY a snake’s pupil is?! By the time you could tell what kind of danger you were in, you could have just picked the darn thing up, and found out the hard way! Don’t know much about snakes where you live, but here in PA, no poisonous snake has any horizontal stripes. How do you tell when the snake is all black? Dunno. Maybe check his pupils? (don’t mind that bite mark on your face). Seriously though, Hisstopher is a beauty. Check with the Agriculture extension , or forestry service in your area for an ID on his species

    Like

  69. Penises or is it peni…penises, snakes and noodles..oh my!

    Like

  70. So, the” little penises”— dick heads to give to people who are.t

    Like

  71. Probably the best thing I have read in a long time. And I read, like, a lot. You’re my hero for not killing the snake, too!

    Like

  72. They even have a stuffed plushie dinding too!!

    Like

  73. I think Danger Noodle is also a good name for penises.

    Like

  74. As they say…you just can’t make that shit up!!

    Like

  75. 77
    Tina R Hays

    Thank for the laugh over danger noodles and tiny, severed penii. Laughing out loud at work in the break room is the best! Also, and FYI, in case you didn’t seeit, embiggen was added to the dictionary this year.
    Dumpster fire. It’s not just for GIFs anymore. It’s in the dictionary now, along with embiggen, mansplain, glamping and 850 other new words.

    Like

  76. For Anonymous, who said “As a child, I once read that you could tell if a snake was venomous by checking the pupils of it’s eyes. A round pupil= safe snake. A slit pupil (like a cat’s) = venomous snake.” NOPE! I only keep non-venomous snakes, and they have all different kinds of eyes, including slit pupils. If you’re not sure, just leave it alone. Cobras and rattlers are obvious but there are other venomous snakes that look a lot like non-venomous snakes. OTOH, in most neighborhoods the garden snakes are non-venomous, like Hisstopher Columbus.

    Like

  77. And in a PRICELESS AMAZON REVIEW OF THEM: My mom keeps sending me pictures of hers in front of scenic backgrounds. I’d say she likes it. 10 out of 10

    Like

  78. How you managed to chase a snake, drop some penises, and get a video amazes me–I can’t multitask anywhere near that well. Also, Danger Noodle would be a great name for a new kind of canned pasta–I know I’d eat it!

    Like

    mydangblog recently posted My Week 180: Star Wars Death Elevator, Purple Rain.

  79. Maybe you should but the giant metal chicken out by the tree to scare the owl so it won’t eat the danger noodle. Would that be a scareowl or a chickenscare? Or a danger noodle security system? Maybe shaking the bag of dicks in that general direction? There’s so much happening in this post…

    Liked by 1 person

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  80. Please, PLEASE keep us updated as to whether Victor truly believes this was a random gift. I need to know. 😂

    Like

  81. What a series of fortunate events. Every incident just melted into the next like a serendipitous wonderland of story telling. That’s the short and thick and the long and skinny of it!

    Liked by 1 person

  82. I was absolutely SURE that “danger noodle” referred to penises.
    …and what does that say about me? Don’t go there, 🙂

    Like

  83. Thank you Jenny. I really needed this today. It also sounds like something Victor needs to weigh in on. #askvictor

    Like

  84. Go to Amazon CA and see if they have them

    Like

  85. Can’t make this stuff up 🤣😂

    Like

  86. Danger noodle sounds like something my Nana say about a penis

    Liked by 1 person

  87. I’m glad someone explained danger noodle. I assumed you were talking about the penises.

    Like

  88. That nope rope looks like a Pygmy Rattlesnake. I could be mistaken, just be safe.

    Like

  89. You didn’t just get a bag of dicks, you got a bag of chodes! For my
    40th bday my friends went all out with the dicks. They got a baker to make me cookies – a bag of dicks, penis ice cubes, a mug with hidden “floral penises” and dick confetti. We spread that shit allll over the hotel

    Liked by 1 person

  90. I need one of your squishy penises so I can say I have the bloggess penis.

    Like

  91. When my daughter was 5, she had a friend down the street named Stephanie who was also 5. I point out her age so you will understand she didn’t have the best artistic skills. SHE WAS 5! One day I walked down to their house and saw Stephanie’s mother, garden hose in hand and hosing down the driveway. But she had just started so by the time I got there most of Stephanie’s chalk (thank goodness, her mother thought) artwork was still on the driveway. She had drawn many, many “horse heads” but interestingly they resembled penises and testicles. Many, many penises and testicles!

    Like

  92. OK…I was just vetting the awesomeness of the vagina references in FURIOUSLY HAPPY when I received an alert about little cute jelly like penises. Coincidence??? I think not! I am sending my personal team of sky writing spider monkeys to Jenny as my own touching way of saying thanks for allowing my brain to have the company that it so well well deserves. My spider monkeys all have valid passports so they can sky write in western Texas…or anywhere quite frankly. Hooray for spider monkey minions! And Jenny…who’s book/s stay under my pillow when I wake up with panic and terrors.

    Like

  93. I love your life!

    Like

  94. I cracked up at the name Hissstopher Columbus. That’s brilliant! LOL!!

    Like

  95. Sometimes I wish people would mail me weird stuff

    Like

  96. You never fail to make me smile and leave me inspired that this world is amazing and hilarious after all. Thanks, Jenny!

    Like

  97. I think that a “danger noodle” is actually the penis of a nope rope.

    Like

  98. I’m not clear where to begin-but thank you

    Like

  99. Perhaps Hisstopher Colombus was jealous that he doesn’t have a dingding of his own. I mean a real penis, not a squishy version, and that’s why he hasn’t left the yard. He’s hoping to bring his fellow nope ropes together into some weird protest until someone provides him with a prosthetic penis to call his own. Or not. I have no idea what I’m talking about. I just wanted to talk about penises. Penii? Dingding? le sigh

    Liked by 1 person

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  100. Thank You! You live a weird and wonderful life and are so gracious for sharing. I needed a danger noodle tiny penis hansel gretel purse whacking adventure. I am going through some big changes in my life that not fun even though the outcome will be good. Having you as a constant happy reminder that it is possible to keep going through all the shit even when your brain is an asshole who hates you is the best thing ever!

    Like

  101. Before I read this carefully, I thought the snake was shedding penises.

    Liked by 1 person

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  102. You saw Hisstopher in the yard? He is silently watching, waiting for an opening to strike.

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  103. Diamond heads are supposedly venomous. But frankly with the amount of coverage you were giving that guy he would have given you some kind of warning. The scales also tend to be brighter and more noticeable than your average snake. If we could have warnings like that for everything in life, lol:)

    Like

  104. Me too.

    Although I did get a box of paperbacks unexpectedly once. But that’s not so much weird as oddly random.

    Like

  105. I can’t stop laughing. Danger noodles and tiny penises. This is the best thing I’ve read in days. Thank goodness I haven’t seen a snake in South Florida. I’m told they’re gigantic and dangerous – which seems to be the way things go in tropical climates. Snakes, not penises. Maybe penises. I haven’t seen enough down here to make a call on how big and dangerous they are. Are penises dangerous?

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  106. You remind me of my mother-in-law…in a very good way. She was a marvelous woman, but sure could come up with some off the wall funny stuff. 🙂

    Like

  107. Interesting that they’re described as “stress relief hand wrist toys.” (The penises, not the danger noodle.) I think that is an apt description.

    Liked by 1 person

  108. Until I read the comments, I thought “danger noodle” was in reference to the penises (penii?). 😂

    Like

  109. Omg. Bless you for the trigger warning! I am terrified of any and all slithering reptiles. Team burn it down and salt the earth all the way! But I must say, I am so delighted to learn the term “danger noodle” that I am actually looking forward to the next opportunity to use it. Perhaps you have found the key to decreasing my anxiety – pleasant name substitutes……..but I’m still burning down my house if a danger noodle gets inside.

    Like

  110. I was trying to tell this story to my 14 year old daughter and when I said that the snake’s name was Hisstopher Columbus (which was in fact why I was telling her the story in the first place) she exclaimed: “You shouldn’t name a snake Hisstopher Columbus – that’s racist! Christopher Columbus actually killed a ton of native people!” I said that while he may have been a racist, I didn’t see how it was racist to name a snake after him, but she wasn’t having it. She said “That’s like naming a snake Adolf Hissler!” Which I thought was very funny and now I will never look at any snake the same way again. Nor will I look at a squishy toy the same way again, though we have so far stuck to fruit and cake squishies in our house.

    Liked by 1 person

  111. 114
    Cynthia Turner

    GOD, your life…. !!😆

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  112. I so do love reading you. I rarely comment, you have so many followers! I’m so glad I’m one of them.

    Like

  113. […] characters were featured on one of the funniest blogs I’ve ever read. I cannot imagine why someone invented such an obscure toy. I think my favorite comment was the one […]

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  114. Oh you need to look for a taxidermied penis dressed as Daenerys Targaryen! That would be fabulous!

    Like

  115. “Hisstopher Columbus” is BRILLIANT – especially for the reason provided!! Thanks for the link to see what exactly you were referring to. They are actually kinda cute in a weird earless Easter Bunny kinda way. You could stuff your eggs for an adult hunt I guess?

    Like

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  116. 119
    Anonymous

    This item does not ship to Canada. It’s a good thing that I really didn’t want any. I was just curious or so I say.

    Like

  117. It’s a good thing you chased off Hisstopher Columbus. Next thing you know your place would have been renamed to “Hisspanola”!

    Liked by 1 person

  118. This is exactly what I needed to read this morning!

    Like

  119. 122
    Catherine

    So. Much. Phrasing!

    Like

  120. I love you so freaking much. I was literally going into an anxiety attack when I started reading this and just laughed so hard and got tears in my eyes and let some of that anxiety out and I feel so much better now. Thank you and your bag of dicks. And the snake.

    Like

  121. I remember Danger Noodle from the 80s. Great New Wave band.

    Jenny, snakes are wonderful. The nonpoisonous kind, that is. I once had a king snake (with my blessing, not accidentally) slither into my jacket’s arm, poke its head out at the collar, then slither down the other arm and out. Perfectly harmless.

    I’d love to get a king snake to put in my attic during the winter, to eat all the mice, except snakes are cold blooded and it would probably die.

    Like

  122. You should open a side business naming children for couples that can’t decide on a name…such great names.

    Like

  123. Well, that’s way cooler than the Amazon gift I received last week. All I got was stupid charcoal toothpaste accidentally sent to my address. (Doesn’t work. I tried. I had meth mouth for days.)

    Like

  124. 127
    Anonymous

    This video taught me how to respond to people staring; something I’ve not been good at for my whole life. I love how you returned the look and raised your eyebrows at whomever the creepazoid was. When I duck and avoid their dumb staring it just gives them permission.
    Some autistic stuff recedes with age, I’ve learned (from reading “Look Me in the Eye” by John Elder Robison, who’s himself the older brother of “Running with Scissors” author Augusten Burroughs) but returning the stare with a raised eyebrow and head shake was a fast -and needed- lesson for me on holding one’s ground. As always, my thanks. Never know what I’m going to learn here!

    Liked by 1 person

  125. Please tell me you are going to be writing another book about all of these events. PLEASE????????(Actually, make it an audio book because it is better when it is read in your voice)

    Liked by 1 person

  126. Just goes to show you that playing with dicks can be fun but they usually end up being a pain in your ass.

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  127. 130
    jennifercoss

    Really just thank you for this story.
    finesorts.com

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  128. 131
    Datdamwuf

    Thank you for making me laugh Jenny, that was priceless. I love that you use PS, PPS, PPPS – the only time it bugs me is when someone accuses me of copying you. Damit, I’ve always done that… I’m glad you like the snake, snakes are very cool except when they bite you.

    Like

  129. If the neighbors ask you were trying to scare a snake away from your yard. There is NOTHING strange about that. Although you’re in a state with a stereotype that your neighbor would offer to come over and shoot it.

    Like

  130. I nominate Aussie Gary (commenter 45) for the next coloring art theme:
    Australian Danger Doodles.

    Like

  131. I don’t even like snakes but now I want a Hisstopher Columbus of my own. Also, I love you. That is all.

    Like

  132. Okay, but how weird would it have been if he had slithered away with one of the penises? Or if he had eaten one? That probably would be incredibly dangerous, but the idea of a snake with a penis-shaped bulge is now stuck in my brain and I can’t get it out.

    Like

  133. Maybe someone already said this but I received my 3 tiny squishy penises in the mail today and upon close inspection I see they also have tiny butts! Complete with buttcrack and cheeks!!! I am wondering if these little dicks also come in other skin tones, as these are terribly pale!

    Like

  134. I hate charcoal toothpaste too! Tried it and my sink was all black and it also dripped down my chin and stained my face!

    Like

  135. Weeeeellllll, I feel better about my day… hugs

    Like

  136. The items on the: Customers who bought this item also bought : list for the penis squishes are killing me….
    squishy penises with helmets, gold confetti balloons, ‘Cocktastic! Colorful cocks: Willies in Art? A hilarious & naughty coloring book’, Thigh high black boots , and a banana stress toy!

    Like

  137. I have a paper Napoleon Penis on my dresser, as one does, and my youngest son walked in, looked at it, looked at me, said “Y’know what? I’m not even gonna ask”, and walked out.

    Like

  138. I have a paper Napoleon Penis on my dresser, as one does, and my youngest son walked in, looked at it, looked at me, said “Y’know what? I’m not even gonna ask”, and walked out. In other news, Napoleon Penis kinda needs a name if any of y’all can think of one?

    Like

  139. Things are simpler in Tasmania – sort of – because all danger noodles (not a term I ever heard in childhood, but I suppose we were pretty much so un-multi-cultural we hadn’t really heard of noodles – mum put pineapple and sultanas in ‘curry’, and not in the right way) are Really Quite venomous. You would only attack them with disembodied penises if the penises were very long and quite hard, and even then it’s illegal (probably several ways) these days and you would get a big fine.

    In another way it’s not simpler, because the thought process (usually on holiday at the shack) goes something like “A VENEMOUS, PROBABLY DEADLY, SNAKE!!!! ….And no one can kill it and save me. I’ll call the snake catcher, who is about 3 hours away and probably won’t come, and costs a lot, and by the time they get here it will have gone under the shack and they’ll do that thing of looking at you while you say ‘I thought it was here…’ and meanwhile the snake has moved to the woodpile (we’re never heating this place again) and working out how to kill the dog. [That bit I’m not kidding, 3 dogs were killed by snake bite in the bush behind the dog-walking are of the beach last year.] [Well, actually I’m not kidding about any of it, but that bit probably sounds least credible. Maybe.]

    Before that law came in about not killing them, there was always a lot of activity when a snake was found around a home. When I was about 15 and smart enough to just watch from a window, a rather large snake had made its way into the laundry (probably after the swallows nesting above the doorway) and, counterintuitively, found that it was pleasant to curl up in the warm machinery of the freezer. Dad needed help to dislodge the snake from the freezer without putting himself at ridiculous levels of risk, so called on the family down the road, who ran a trucking business, including log trucks, so were in the bush around snakes a lot. There happened to be a friend staying with them, Mr Howsell, in the same line of work. Oddly enough, frequent exposure to something that might surprise and kill you tends to breed a certain level of enmity. It’s probably mutual.

    So, about 4 guys show up, aged from about 35 to about 60, and all the contents of the laundry – kids’ bikes in various states of collapse, fishing rods, ironing boards, buckets… – are carefully extracted and strewn around the sandy ‘lawn’. The flyscreen removed, a rope is looped around the freezer and they start to drag it across the floor. The snake makes a break for freedom, out from the freezer, out the laundry door, down the two concrete steps and across the yard towards the men. The guys all scatter, leaving Mr Howsell – in ‘stubby’ shorts and thongs (that’s short-shorts and flipflops to you foreigners) which afford NO protection at all – flailing at the snake with a broom handle, using words I’d never heard before in inventive combinations. He killed it, too, which meant that he was regarded by all of us as awesome, but a little insane.

    So then they all had a beer and discussed the successful hunt, whilst the wives put everything away again and made dinner, much like I imagine the men of the tribe have done for thousands of years.

    Liked by 1 person

  140. I giggle-snorted at “when I was lightly whacking it” because apparently I’m a 12 year old boy.

    Like

  141. when i clicked on the tiny penis link, amazon offered me a coupon for 20% off deep cleaning. i’m not sure what they’re trying to say to me, really.

    Like

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