Bloggess Book Club

in Random Crap, weekly reruns

You know how everyday I share the weirdest thing Amazon recommended to me on twitter?  Well yesterday it was a choose-your-own-adventure book called YOU ARE A KITTEN! where you’re a kitten named Holden Catfield who grows so large you crush the earth.  But then Amazon was like, “Hang on…if you liked YOU ARE A KITTEN! then you’ll love OCEAN OF LARD, a choose-your-own-mindfuck book that could not possibly be safe for work.  And then Amazon was like, “BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE” because then it told me I should “look inside The Haunted Vagina” and that seemed like dubious advice but I totally did it because how often do you get that sort of an offer?  Answer: Three times so far.

But then I totally bought it because HOW COULD I NOT and now Amazon is like, “I TOLD YOU SO.  Hey, how about these?”

And that’s why I’m totally started a book club because then these books will be a business expense and I can put it on my business card and Victor won’t wake up and yell, “WHY IS THERE A HAUNTED VAGINA ON THE CREDIT CARD?  I’m cutting off your computer access after 10 pm.”

First book of the Bloggess Book Club: The Haunted Vagina.

The first rule of Bloggess Book Club is that there are no rules because I like chaos.  Come back here when you’ve read the book and we’ll discuss it in the comments.  Or just pretend you’ve read the book and drink a lot, which is how the best book clubs go.  I think.  I’ve never actually been invited to be in one before.  Feel free to add your own rules as you go.

*******

And on an entirely different subject this isn’t Sunday but I’m doing a Sunday wrap-up because I don’t know how calendars work.  So pretend it’s Sunday.  Take your pants off.  The usual.

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by StoryWorth.  “This year, give Mom a StoryWorth Book to preserve her stories. Each week, we’ll email her a question about her life – asking her to recount her favorite memory of her grandparents, the best advice she ever got, etc. All she has to do is reply with a story, which is forwarded to you and any other family members you invite. At the end of the year, her stories are bound in a beautiful keepsake book your family will cherish!”  I actually did this for my dad last year and it’s been fantastic to read all of his stories that might have been lost otherwise.  I highly recommend it and its super on sale now.

 

 

112 thoughts on “Bloggess Book Club”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. While I’m intrigued by the haunted vagina, I really want the ocean of lard. Can you imagine how many great hot chips can be made with an ocean of lard 😃😂😋🤤

  4. Is it bad that I’m actually intrigued by this book?! I might have to read this….followed by Baby Jesus Buttplug, b/c how can you NOT read that title?!

  5. OMG I am more broke than the 10 Commandments right now but I need to read this book and I can’t try to order it through inter-library loan (like I do with a lot of books. Our library is smallish.) because they already think I’m weird enough as it is.

  6. I don’t think I’m qualified to be knocking up anyone’s daughter, let alone Satan’s (who’s Mom, anyway?), but I am intrigued by the thought of Satan as grandpa.

  7. If you’re wondering, Ass Goblins of Auschwitz is free with Amazon Kindle Unlimited .
    Also, just bought the bag, and The Haunted Vagina.
    This is about to be the Best. Book. Club. Ever.

  8. I actually own The Faggiest Vampire by Carlton Mellick III.
    Alright, I’m in!

  10. I read the reviews. A lot of people are disappointed the book isn’t porn.

  11. I’m just intrigued by the kitten adventure book because I have a Holden Catfield. He’s a pretty big cat too. Is he off having adventures without telling us? That is so like him.

  13. Thank you for the Storyworth link! So wonderful for gifts for Mother’s and Father’s day!!

  15. Is it a book or an amusement park ride? Either way, I doubt I’d be into haunted vagina. Unless it was my own vagina. Though having some ghosts up in there could be entertaining, so now I’ve totally lost my train of thought.

  16. Do I even want to know why that demon’s arms are all pink/red? In my defense, I am not sure how or why vaginas work.

  19. Well, thanks a lot! Here I am all unemployed and depressed as shit and now I actually want to leave the house to see if my local library carries the Haunted Vagina. Thanks, Jenny!
    Rayanna Deerfox
    RayannaDeerfox@yahoo.com

  20. I think book clubs have a read by deadline so that everybody knows when ti meetup and take off their pants and talk about their vaginas.

    (Good point. I get my haunted vagina tomorrow so maybe let’s meet a week from then. ~ Jenny)

  21. Amazing!
    I just checked…my library doesn’t have it. Maybe I request a purchase?! And have my card cut off.

  22. OMG, I can get Haunted Vagina on Kindle for $4.95!!! See you later….

  23. Jenny, never change. I needed that parrot story in my life. NEEDED. Thanks for making my Monday awesome.

  24. Wow. I want to know who is buying the $620 version in unknown binding?

  25. Look forward to book club but refuse to buy from Amazon. I would do anyyhing for Jenny. But. I. Can’t. Do. That. 😊

  26. Not sure if I will read the book but I am down for drinking and pretending. Although I must admit I am tempted because it is so weird and because I am in a brown bag book club (we wrap the book in brown paper write a sentence or two then take turns choosing a book to read for next time. So now I want to put this book in the mis and torment whoever has to read it and discuss it at the restaurant)

    Evil me says do It!

  29. There was actually a comic that contained a haunted vagina some years ago, so I guess it’s a thing? At least minor thing? Tarot #53, my favorite panel of which said, “Samantha Brown! You have to get out of here! Your vagina is haunted!” http://www.the-isb.com/images/Tarot53e.jpg

  30. I have actually already read this book. It was my one foray into something called Bizzarro fiction. My husband gave it to me as a present because the title was so funny. It was not the most terrible thing I have ever read, but it was Bizzarro for sure.

  31. Somewhere in Amazonville, the author of the Ass Goblins of Auschwitz is wondering what the hell happened to make his sales explode. Fearing that German Intelligence (the GIA?) may be hot on his tail, he will go deep underground and learn firsthand the wrath of the Baby Jesus butt plug.

  33. I have owned this book for years and read it multiple times. READ THIS BOOK! My dog chewed on it so I might need to buy a second one. You can never have too many haunted vaginas.

  36. I’m a little terrified to click on that link. Amazon already thinks I’m weird enough.

  38. She starts the tweets about these products with “The most baffling thing that Amazon suggested today…” and it was the You are a Kitten, Choose You Own Adventure book, and I was all ‘Jenny that is directly up your alley, honestly I’m surprised you’d don’t already have it.’ Then it was a downward spiral of satanic erotica, and I won’t be joining in on reading the book and commenting, but I will probably return for some lurking and laughter.

  39. Omg, I need this. I love reading bizarre romance novels. So much so I started a book club for it. Lol. It’s called Sisterhood of the time traveling vaginas. Feel free to find us on goodreads and join! We pick two supernatural/science fiction/ fantasy romancey novels to read every other month. Hilarity ensues. Definitely going to be checking this one out!

  41. I got the same recommendation last year, I swear they are just trying to sell these crazy books when people are drunk and have no idea what they are buying. I guess its always good to make sure it doesn’t get shipped to Grandma as a gift by accident, lmao

  42. The last book club I was in we read books by William Faulkner and and Carson McCullers and I’m pretty sure half the people didn’t finish the books and there was no alcohol involved and I’m still not sure why they even bothered to come. And I had a sense that we were doing it wrong, but little did I realize just how wrong that book club was.
    Needless to say with the book The Haunted Vagina we’ll know why everyone’s comin–oh, wait, that sounds terrible…

  44. I wonder if my local library has The Haunted Vagina. And if not, if they’d order it. Because fine literature like that should be accessible to ALL, dammit.

  48. Well I mean, if you’re going to buy a haunted vagina you’d put it on a credit card, obviously. Therefore in this instance Victor has no standing to complain.

  49. I’m getting a kick just out of reading the reviews to “The Haunted Vagina”. One is from “Pterodactyl Samurai”. That person seems just geeky and warped enough that I want to meet him/her. Another review said, in its entirety, “Exactly what you would expect from the title.” But is what YOU expect and what I expect the same…?

  51. Let’s add Razor Wire Pubic Hair. But after tongue is removed from cheek we need Geek Love. Geek being the old school Ozzy Osbourne type geek biting the heads off of things….amazing book.
    Also
    Pictures not to masturbate to
    How to raise your IQ by eating gifted children
    And…we all need
    How to tell if your cat is trying to kill you
    Excuse the lack of MLA/ APA style driving and relying on Google Voice

  52. While I’ve never read them, I feel like we need to add Chuck Tingle’s dinosaur romance novels as well. PLEASE go to Amazon and look up the titles. You’re welcome/I’m sorry.

    #5 Mommatrek: Check and see if it’s on any ebook sites.
    #6 Saracvt: Ann Coulter?
    #24 Tammy Eaton: Binding is human skin. That’s just obvious. And again. Ann Coulter. She’s embarrassed she’s been outed as a grandma since her pact with Satan is that she stay forever young and immortal.

  53. Makes me think of the book Paperbacks From Hell. A disturbing and highly amusing summary of the history 70s and 80s horror fiction.

  54. I have actually already read this book. It was my one foray into something called Bizzarro fiction. My husband gave it to me as a present because the title was so funny. He didn’t read it until after he gave it to me! It was not the most terrible thing I have ever read, but it was Bizzarro for sure.

  55. I will join your book club if we can have actual meetings. I volunteer first place to meet in Austin.

  56. I’m pretty sure haunted vaginas are literally the source of ghost babies, and we all know baby ghosts are the creepiest of the ghosts. Naturally, I’m all over this! NSFW book clubs FTW!

  58. I belonged to one book club but I never read the books because they were highly boring. I’d end up not participating in the discussions or faking my way through them, which felt too much like high school. I’m down for the drinking, though. And the haunted vagina. But mostly the drinking.

  59. Haunted vaginas are literally where ghost babies come from and we all know baby ghosts are the creepiest of the ghosts. Naturally, I’m all over this! NSFW book club FTW!

  60. @Olivia Arquette – Far be it from me to presume, but my guess would be that an Ass Goblin of Auschwitz would not be afraid, but rather, would look upon the Baby Jesus Butt Plug with joy and affirm that indeed, God Is Love.

  61. So in a haunted vagina Movie, the cervix would be the door to the room that everyone in the audience knows the killer is in. Round, like a hobbit door…..Our innocent heroine reaches for the
    handle….(don’t do it! don’t do it!)
    I may have to write a screenplay.

  62. I can only assume that sex happens inside the haunted vagina that does not directly involve the owner of said haunted vaginas

  63. Should have listed Let’s Pretend This Never Happened. Read the book in one Saturday afternoon when I though my life had gone to shit. Laughed so hard, I used up a whole box of Kleenex wiping up the laugh tears. Re-read it every time I start feeling low.

  64. The power you have. I don’t understand why I immediately bought this. Use it wisely you should…

  65. They (my employer) are making us do things above and beyond our jobs to prove that we are worthy human beings and should be allowed to stay employed so I am gleefully accepting this invite into your international book club community. I’ll leave out the part where we all hide in blanket forts and only comment under a strict veil of anonymity.

    Also, I read I Knocked Up Satan’s Daughter. Now I figured it would be stupid fun, but it turns out it was just stupid. I rated low and called it stupid at Goodreads and promptly got an invite “since you reviewed that book, please read and review mine of the same ilk” from some desperate author. I declined because I’d had enough stupid stupid for the time being. I can say it was NOT Baby Jesus Butt Plug though because I would have been all over that book just for the title alone.

  66. My new goal is to have the courage of an author that writes about haunted hooty-hoos. Although I think perhaps that Stacy just has a yeast infection, or her IUD is about to fall out.

    Speaking of, I read a line in a book by a very famous author who mentioned someone dying from a roadside IUD explosion. No joke. I thought that maybe they meant IED, but one can never presume anything these days. And if they are explosive, may I please have mine removed, like, yesterday?

  67. I can hardly believe it, but I think I read “The Haunted Vagina” a few years ago and then promptly forgot it. It is not nearly as interesting as the title would suggest, and if I remember correctly, the ending was kind of a downer.

  69. My wife and I actually read this book when it was passed to us by my stepfather after our book club where we had just discussed “The Glass Castle” by Jeanette Walls–so “The Haunted Vagina” seemed a natural progression, right? A book about four siblings growing up, trying to survive the ordeals their free-spirited parents put them through is similar to a lady with a haunted poodiddle, right? Ultimately, my wife enjoys the bizarro genre and thought “The Haunted Vagina” was “hilarious” and “unique”. I’ve had encounters with bizarro and this particular author before…and this one did not make me cringe any less. XD

    P.S. You’re always welcome at our book club meetings…you’d obviously enjoy my wife and stepfather…

  70. Holy crap, Jenny! I can’t tell you how bad I needed this laugh today! I’m still on the verge of tears and meltdown, but you at least gave me a little light. Love you!

  71. Oh yeah, I’m in for the book club too! Just bought The Haunted Vagina on my Kindle. I REALLY hope my mother-in-law (who shares my Prime account with me) notices my recent purchase! 😀 BAHAHAHAHAHA!

  73. I actually love Calton Mellick & want to do this. If this book is too weird for some people, then they are not my mind of pros anyway.

  74. Ok.,.. I ordered it. Shipping to Canada was more expensive than the book!

  76. I was a little leery about reading The Haunted Vagina, but am so glad I did! Never before has there been such a tender, suspenseful, coming of age orifice story. And while I feel that the author has a tendency to clam up, once the beaver damn broke, the story really came along. I’m still left wondering, was it just a lonely kitty the whole time, or was it Aunt Flo who was truly haunting the vagina???

  78. I’ll maybe try reading some of these books but it’s been a down/sad time here lately–I think my problem is I need to face the fact that I’m trying to hang on past my sell-by date. Plus I usually get cold-shouldered out of book clubs; at least I haven’t yet been kicked out of one like I have support groups. Ha.

  80. Wow. I feel kinda weird being an actual fan of Carlton Mellick’s, since most of the comments are, shall we say, less than sincere. I’m all in for reading this one, as it’s one of his books I haven’t read yet. If anybody is a fan of CM3 & Jenny’s, then contact me, because you’re one (of the VERY few) of my kind of people!

  82. When a reviewer titles his review “Time to Spelunk the Great Vagoo”, you know you gotta read the book!! Hey, this author lives in Portland OR, where i happen to be RIGHT this very evening…maybe i could stalk him and get him to sign my book. Or my lady flower. Which, btw, the same reviewer uses in his write up. Way to be a trend setter Jenny!
    -candice

  83. “Lady flower”?? Geez…where was my mind? We all KNOW it’s called a ‘Lady GARDEN’. Lady Flower is just…naughty.
    LOL

  84. My sister had the best book club in Scotland, which also included much wine. Plus you had to dress up in a related costume. So for the socially avoidant, you can go all karate kid shower curtain and not be seen. Except instead of a shower curtain you’d have to hide inside an enormous vagina costume for this book choice….and moan like a ghost. So….who’s in!

  85. The long lost, and rarely discussed, Nancy Drew book: “Nancy Drew and The Haunted Vagina.” Join Nancy and her plucky pals as they traverse the myriad long hallways and deep caverns of the local vagina, discovering that it is haunted, and chasing away the clever ghost Richard Head forever! Or, you know, until Vagina Lady gets horny again. Hard to call. Nancy wasn’t her best in this one. She smoked a lot, kept asking for a towel, and couldn’t seem to focus. Read it anyway. Totally worth it. As Nancy says, “This one was slippery, and it almost got away from me, but once we found the G-spot it was easy to finish!” Go, Nancy Drew!!

  86. Sounds like this is a crowd to mention a book I’ve never had the nerve to order because my 11yo is all too good at getting at kindle books off the grownup’s library… “Spank Me Mr. Darcy”. Same author just released “Domme Quixote” and I’m even more tempted. My love of 19th century literature is mashing up against my love of snark and erotica.

  89. Titles like that. Seriously? How are aspiring writers — like some of us — supposed to compete with those???

    I will never be able to beat “Baby Jesus Butt Plug.” Never.

    -tosses laptop backwards over shoulder and walks away-

  90. I am just interested in what kind of person writes these kind of books??? I would love to meet that person and just chat.

  92. I totally want to join this bookclub!! Will there be a GoodReads group?

    I also joined the Sisterhood of the Time Traveling Vaginas because it sounded great!

  93. No on has ever invited me to join a book club before, So thank you for inviting me. I feel so blessed!

  96. Eraserhead Press! I used to work at a bookstore, and we kept a printout of all their titles at the front counter, just for shits and giggles. “Shatnerquake!” is another good one.

  97. So, I have been in a hard core book club for 15 years Jenny, and I can confirm that it includes; (a) excessive wine drinking (b) venting/comparing horror stories/laughing till we pee over things our spouses/kids/mothers/bosses did,(c) eating the BEST food (and not sharing with any afore-mentioned offspring), and (d) forgetting to actually talk about the book . You guys in? 😉

  98. So, I have been in a hard core book club for 15 years Jenny, and I can confirm that it includes; (a) excessive wine drinking (b) venting/comparing horror stories/laughing till we pee over things our spouses/kids/mothers/bosses did,(c) eating the BEST food (and not sharing with any afore-mentioned offspring), and (d) forgetting to actually talk about the book . You guys in? 😉

  99. I’m game for the book club. I’ll pretend to read the book, get drunk, and write a charming review. Great job, Jenny!

  100. I’m actually more curious about ‘I Knocked Up Satan’s Daughter’. Was it on purpose, did he know she was Satan’s daughter when it happened or was she like disguised as a regular human? Is the baby going to be half human half demon, or full demon, or what? I’m not looking it up on Amazon because I’m having too much fun imagining my own scenarios. (And omg omg that mom with the birds, that is just the best thing ever!)

  101. Do we need to talk about the G spot? Maybe if he climbs inside he can find it

  102. My gosh. Not only do such books exist, but–the author is quite popular. :O Of course, now that I looked at the link, who knows what’s going to show up in my Amazon now…..

  104. OMG that’s too funny. I might have to add this book and announce it at my next book club meeting. They’ d think I’d lost my mind.

  105. I tried to request The Haunted Vagina through my library’s InterLibraryLoan service. Apparently, no public library in my state owns it. Imagine that. But the title search turned up a book that looks intriguing titled Moranthology, by journalist Caitlin Moran-so I requested that one instead. (Apparently the words Haunted and Vagina are somewhere in the books’ description?)

  106. Before I read the book, I read a review saying that it’s not one of that author’s best works. So I’m thinking I might try some of his others sometime. This one was certainly interesting. Not great, in my opinion, but interesting. (Disclaimer: I have trouble enjoying a book if I dislike any of the main characters too much, and I took an instant and vicious dislike to Stacy.) I’ll be keeping an eye on this comment section for the discussion/drunken fake-outs/a link to wherever said discussion or drunken fake-outs will occur!

  107. That parrot story was funny. I can’t see how you related. 🙂
    I didn’t read the book but as I said on Instagram, the cover is hilarious. Good choice.

  108. I agree with Tara, Stacy is terribly unlikeable. Crazy lady made her boyfriend crawl into her vagina and go exploring! Fun read though.

  109. My favorite part was the Author’s Note. I should have stopped there.

  110. Hello. I was wondering and hoping you would be interested in sharing your story to include as part of my mental health campaign to increase awareness and end stigma. I would really like to read your story and know it would be a fabulous addition to my feature. Here is a link that explains it – https://myloudbipolarwhispers.com/2018/05/01/i-need-you-please-help-me-with-my-new-project-our-story-is-our-glory/  You don’t have to participate, if you are not comfortable or too busy etc. No pressure and no rush. Your story can be one you wrote before or as long or short as you would like. Thank you and have a fabulous day. Much love and hugs, Sue

  111. I absolutely need to buy some of these for our family’s annual Christmas Yankee Swap (we usually have 50-60 people at the party, it’s the big event of the year :-).

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