Victor asked if I’d go with him to a party where I know no one and I laughed but turns out he was serious and I felt really bad for him but I don’t even go to parties that are for me but he really wanted to go so I told him I’d go but only if I could wear a t-shirt I made that says “HERE COMES HEPATITIS” on the front so people would avoid me and he was against that because I guess he has something against hepatitis and I do too because hepatitis killed my grandmother but that’s exactly why I made the shirt.
And also if people do talk to me I have an automatic conversation starter about the importance of hand-washing and clean needles and not inviting me to parties. And Victor said that I couldn’t wear the shirt because I don’t have hepatitis but I think that’s short-sighted because tons of people have hepatitis and don’t know it and I just finished tuberculosis treatment so it seems like hepatitis is the next logical step with my luck. Victor says faking hepatitis is not really acceptable at parties and I get that but “HERE COMES CRIPPLING INTROVERSION” seems like it would just attract others like me who would be like, “OMG ME TOO” and that would be a relief for a half-second but then we’d be all stuck together and none of us can carry on a proper conversation without blurting out inappropriate nonsense and we’d all rather be home anyway. Honestly, the only thing that would make it okay is if the shirt had a kangaroo pocket you could stick a kitten in and when it got weird we just pull out our kittens and relax because we could just talk to the kitten instead of each other. Someone invent that.
(Also it needs a hidden flask in the boob section and sleeves that are made of fruit rolls-ups so I can eat them in case I get too hot and/or peckish.)
PS. Victor just read this post and agrees that I should not go to the party. Whoop! This blog is better than hepatitis.
And on an entirely different subject, it’s time for the Sunday wrap-up!
Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
- EVERYTHING IS RUINED.
- HERE COMES CRIPPLING INTROVERSION. (Kitten/boob flask/edible sleeves/hepatitis not included)
This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by StoryWorth Books, which I’m actually a huge fan of and have bought for both of my parents. From them: Still looking for a meaningful Father’s Day gift? StoryWorth is the perfect last minute gift. Each week, we’ll email him a question about his life – asking him about his favorite memory of his grandparents, or whether he’s ever pulled any great pranks. All he has to do is reply with a story, which is forwarded to you and any other family members you invite. At the end of the year, his stories are bound in a beautiful keepsake book your family will cherish!” You should check it out here.