The Third Argument I Had With Victor This Week

This month I’m working on my new books so I’m sharing some chapters you never saw because they didn’t make it in my last book.  Enjoy!

THE THIRD ARGUMENT I HAD WITH VICTOR THIS WEEK

Me: We should do this.  It’s like a fountain. Made of beer and plastic cups.

(This is from the internet and is not me. You can tell because I have less facial hair and manual dexterity.)

Victor: Why would you want to make drinking beer more complicated?

Me: “More complicated”?  Beer-drinking is complicated to you?

Victor: No, it’s not.  That’s the whole point of beer.  It’s supposed to be easy.

Me:  And that’s why we should do this thing.  It takes the easiness of beer and then adds an element of excitement to it.  And danger.  And a furious elegance.

Victor: I’m pretty sure there’s nothing elegant about chugging four glasses of beer at the same time.

Me: And I think that your definition of elegant is a little limited.  I’m gonna do it.

Victor: NONONO, YOU’RE GOING TO SPILL IT ALL OVER THE-

Me: Fuck.

Victor: I cannotbelieve you did that.

Me:  Really?  It’s like you don’t even know me.  BTW, that’s what four glasses of beer look like on the floor.

Victor: You’re dead to me.  Clean this up before it spreads to the carpet.

Me: It’s like a waterfall.  But with beer.  It’s a beerfall.  Which is totally aptly named, now that I see all the beer on the floor.  It’s like the warning was right there in the title.

Victor: How many times have you tried the four-beer thing?

Me: This was my first time.

Victor: Ahem.

Me: …Inside the house, I mean. Obviously did some practice runs, but I did them outside because I didn’t want to spill beer all over the kitchen because I thought that I might not be perfect at it the first time.  And turns out, I was totally right.  I’m even right when I’m drunk.  I’m on my 16th beer, yo.

Victor: OH MY GOD, there is beer all over the porch.  How many cups did you spill out there?

Me: Um…like…12?

Victor: So…all of them, basically?

Me: I don’t know.  I can’t be expected to do math when I’ve had 16 beers.

Victor: You haven’t HAD 16 beers.  You’ve SPILLED 16 beers.

Me: Yeah.  The MOST beers.  Ever.  It’s like a record.

Victor: That’s not something to be proud of.

Me: I can’t be held accountable for that.  SIXTEEN BEERS, VICTOR.

Victor: …ARE ON THE FLOOR, JENNY.  They don’t count if you don’t swallow.

Me: Ew.  Are we still talking about beers?

Victor: You know what?  Never mind.  Good for you.

Me:  Really?  Well, now I feel like you’re just humoring me.

Victor: I am.  And now I have to hose off the porch.

Me: No, don’t.  I’m trying to get the ants drunk to see if they can still focus.

Victor: **glare**

Me: I’m drunk AND I’M DOING SCIENCE.

Victor: That’s insane.

Me: No.  It’s multi-tasking.

Winners: Beer manufacturers.  Ants getting drunk for free.   

Loser: The carpet.

118 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I love it! I’ll admit I haven’t attempted to do this, but now I am VERY tempted.
    I can’t wait for your new books, if we’re getting more content like this!

    Liked by 2 people

    Lauren @ BAOTB recently posted Hello, July.

  2. LMAO That’s awesome!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Those free-loading ants.

    Liked by 2 people

    The Suzzzz recently posted Girl Power.

  4. 4
    Katie brown

    I want to see drunk ants

    Liked by 1 person

  5. My husband said don’t think about it when I told him about your 16 beers. I’m grounded for spilling Jack Daniels last week.

    Liked by 4 people

    Mamacita recently posted BRRRR!!!.

  6. lol oddly apropriate for my 19 yr soberity bday .. very funny and exactly what id expect you to try!! or my SO!Lol

    Liked by 1 person

  7. OMG, just choking with laughter at this!

    Like

  8. I wonder if I could do this with shot glasses and gin.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Drunk ants bite more.
    Don’t ask me how I know this.

    Liked by 4 people

  10. You and Victor have the coolest arguments! I can’t wait for your next books 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

  11. Victor is so dense. Tell him we’re with you on this and does he really want to take us all on?

    Like

  12. This is so awesome really

    Like

  13. I feel as though you keep raising the bar for me to be myself! Well done!

    Liked by 2 people

  14. Spilling beer? Shameful.

    Like

    theycallmetater recently posted Sudden Onset Melancholy Part 2.

  15. Heading to order your first two books right now! I know, I’m way behind
    and I apologize!!! Forgive me & pass the beer please. 😂🍺🍺🍺🍺

    Like

  16. This sounds like an argument that woupd happen in my house 😂😂😂

    Like

    Malia recently posted Let’s redo the floor ourselves, we said. It’ll be fun, we said..

  17. 17
    CreatingTheRoad

    You need a four pronged holder for the beer glasses. Obviously the problem is that your ladylike hands are too small to hold the glasses. If Victor really loved you he would get to work inventing a four beer chugger holder. Also, drunk ants is a good name for a band. Or drunk aunts. Either way.

    Liked by 4 people

  18. Did the ants get drunk? Could they focus?

    Liked by 1 person

  19. This will obviously replace chocolate fountains at weddings. Some weddings, anyway.

    Liked by 2 people

    Janet Coburn recently posted From Performance to the Pit.

  20. I wish there was a video of one of your attempts!

    Liked by 1 person

    aliaselle18 recently posted Financial Planning: Why Everyone Should Think About the Long-Term Now.

  21. Maybe start with two cups of water and work your way up to four cups of beer?

    Like

  22. We did something similar. With squirrels. Actually my husband just knocked over his jack and coke and when he stumbled into the house to get a towel we had 3 squirrels lapping at the puddle of alcohol on the patio floor.

    The ants arrived later.

    Liked by 2 people

  23. Perhaps you can absorb 16 spilled beers through the pours of your skin almost as well as the conventional method. (Who wants to be conventional anyway?)

    Like

  24. You’d think Victor would know you by now! And how did this NOT make it into one of your books? Can’t wait for your new ones. And Happy Anniversary early to you and Victor!

    Like

  25. “I’m drunk AND I’M DOING SCIENCE.”

    Many a grad student have uttered those exact words.

    Liked by 5 people

  26. Wait! You actually have THREE books already… how did I not know this?? Hey, that sounds like a good book title. “How Did I Not Know This?” ….ok, ordering three now. Books. Not beers.

    Like

  27. Just in case Victor needs a reminder that things could have been worse:

    I can’t remember the name for what this is called but my friend and I used to do these shots where you pour Sambuca into a martini glass, drink it down, light the residual alcohol on fire, flip the glass over onto a flat surface to smother the flames, then lift it very slightly and suck out the alcohol vapor with a straw.

    We did this indoors on her parents’ kitchen counter, because science?

    Anyway, yeah spilling beer isn’t great, but AT LEAST IT WASN’T ON FIRE, VICTOR. Be grateful for small mercies, and all that.

    Liked by 4 people

    Spoken Like A True Nut recently posted The Elimination Diet of Sadness.

  28. Well? The drunk ant results? Don’t tease us with science and then just leave us hanging, woman!!

    Like

  29. My hero. I’m now going to buy 16 beers after work today, so that I can attempt to drank 4 at a time. I figure I have similar coordination struggles and 16 beers will be the appropriate amount to successfully consume 32 oz of beer.

    Like

  30. 30
    Ethel Mertz

    I like “Furious elegance”. Gonna have to find a way to use that.

    Liked by 1 person

  31. […] via The Third Argument I Had With Victor This Week […]

    Like

  32. I wish I could be a fly on the wall for all your arguments with Victor.

    Liked by 1 person

    Crista H recently posted Sweet Potato Salad.

  33. 😂😂😂. I love my husband, but Victor is way more entertaining. Possibly because you give him good material to work with…

    Liked by 2 people

  34. 35
    Christiana

    Why on earth did this one not make it into your books? Love it!

    Like

  35. “Are we still talking about beers?” .. How did this not make the cut?

    Like

  36. One more try Jenny. You totally got it this time!!

    Like

  37. Now I’m trying to imagine a SIXTEEN beer fountain… but I’m stuck on figuring out the math for how many helping its going to require. The formula seems to involve a complicated ratio of drunkenness to hands. Unless .. I KNOW!! We can train the ants to hold the cups! They each have multiple hands so it’ll take fewer of them, plus, they are MUCH cheaper to get drunk enough to participate! See, we DO think about you here, Victor. WE’RE SAVING YOU MONEY,

    Liked by 1 person

  38. 39
    Kate Flora

    Props to you for having the balls to try such a stunt! Hahaha I don’t even think I would want to attempt.

    Like

  39. 40
    Debra Crosby

    I don’t even like beer, and I’d like to try this.

    Liked by 1 person

  40. How did this not make it into your last book? Seriously LMAO!!

    Like

    mariner2mother recently posted Struggling A Bit.

  41. I love you Jenny in my Forest Gump accent

    Seriously though, after following your HILARIOUS blog and coloring in your coloring book, I have finally gotten my shit together and started my very own blog. Follow my family and I as we become your curators of chaos.

    https://www.countryroadsblog.tk/about-us

    Like

  42. I have NEVER learned to chug beer. Maybe I have been trying to chug too delicately all along….”Damn straight I chugged 16 beers straight to the floor!”

    Like

  43. You can name your porch “Beerfall Jenny”.

    Liked by 1 person

    Gaz recently posted Serious eating in Brisbane.

  44. I believe this is considered alcohol abuse. By those who like beer. Personally, I think the stuff is probably more useful poured on the floor. At least then you’re forced to wipe up the beer-soaked dust that you haven’t voluntarily cleaned in months. Then you can say you had beer and still cleaned the house.

    Like

  45. By “alcohol abuse” I meant the spilling, not the drinking. Trying (and possibly failing) to be funny. Now overthinking.

    Like

  46. I’d be more than happy to send my ants over to your house; they could be the designated drivers.

    Like

  47. What.

    Like

    Tanya Goffy recently posted 2nd In Command/ Science Officer.

  48. Just looking at this picture, I know there cant be a good outcome…at least from you…LOL..

    Like

    The Hellion recently posted Are We What We Wear?.

  49. It has been said that the most common last words in 20th century America were “Here, hold my beer.”

    So yeah, for once I’m Team Victor.
    That has NOTHING to do with me preferring wine to beer, I swear.

    Like

  50. Oh I almost forgot… some of my odder college research just paid off. This from 1877…Victorian science, y’all.

    “ON THE HABITS OF ANTS.
    By SIR JOHN LUBBOCK, Bart.
    …No ant would voluntarily degrade herself by getting drunk, and it was not easy in all cases to hit off the requisite degree of this compulsory intoxication. In all cases they were made quite drunk, so that they lay helplessly on their backs. The sober ants seemed much puzzled at finding their friends in this helpless and discreditable condition. They took them up and carried them about for a while in a sort of aimless way, as if they did not know what to do with their drunkards, any more than we do. Ultimately, however, the results were as follows: The ants removed twenty-five friends and thirty strangers. Of the friends, twenty were carried into the nest, where no doubt they slept off the effect of the spirit—at least, we saw no more of them—and five were thrown into the water. Of the strangers, on the contrary, twenty-four were thrown into the water; only six were taken into the nest, and four of these were shortly afterward brought out again and thrown away.

    The difference in the treatment of friends and strangers was, therefore, most marked.

    https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Popular_Science_Monthly/Volume_11/May_1877/On_the_Habits_of_Ants

    Liked by 3 people

  51. I’m home now if you want to come now.

    Linda

    Sent from my iPad

    >

    Like

  52. 53
    pastorsharon

    Oh Jenny, I needed a laugh today. Thanks.

    Liked by 1 person

  53. Oh geez, now I want to try this!

    Like

  54. 55
    Kendra Lee

    OMG!!! HA! I love this! I had to read it to my husband because I was laughing so hard that he was… concerned… Ha!

    Like

  55. Beer Yuck. Let’s talk Magner’s Cider…..It’s made from apples. So it’s healthful. And tastes way better than beer.

    Liked by 1 person

  56. 57
    agilityollie

    Who doesn’t love a drunk ant? Or, a drunk aunt.

    Like

  57. How big are those guys hands that he can actually hold 4 beers at once?! Good job I have man hands cuz I’m totally trying this with wine glasses.

    Like

    mydangblog recently posted My Week 197: The Joys of Gardening, Plants I Hate.

  58. Wasteful, but a good way to get rid of snails so I hear.

    Like

  59. You know, Thomas Edison had the exact same argument with his spouse when he tried to explain the beer fountain.

    Like

  60. This is actual gold.

    Like

  61. OMFG, I snorted coffee out my nose reading this. Victor just doesn’t understand what a gem you are.

    Like

  62. I just got out of Princeton House, a very lively mental health hospital for the third time in three years and I was feeling quite shitty and “failureishly”. Then I came across your post and it made me feel happy. Thanks Jenny! (And Victor as well.)

    Liked by 1 person

  63. Someone already said they’d like to be a fly on your wall, but I think now I’d rather be an ant on your porch!

    Liked by 1 person

  64. I like the term “furious elegance.” I hope you include that in your next book 🙂

    Like

    introvertinmedicine recently posted Book Recs From Your Favorite Bookworm.

  65. You are so funny!

    Like

  66. On the plus side, Jenny & The Tipsy Ant Trail is a great name for a children’s book. Or an angsty rock band that loses track of the lyrics and starts mumbling halfway through any given song.
    One of those.

    Liked by 2 people

    OwnLessDoMore recently posted WheRVe we been? Our travels, 2nd quarter 2018.

  67. Just don’t get out the magnifying glass, okay Jenny? Jenny???? JENNY??????????

    Damn….we lost her!

    Like

    LadyPamelaRose recently posted Conditionally Speaking….

  68. If Victor really wanted to win this argument he would have attempted the four beer thing and succeeded but since he was to scared to try you win. Congratulations WINNER WINNER WINNER WINNER

    Liked by 1 person

  69. I sat and giggled all the way through this, then made my husband read it. I said “You didn’t laugh even once!?” (Thinking “Dude, wtf is wrong with you?”) He sighed and said “Of course not. I’m Victor.” 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  70. I enjoy reading these “fights” you guys have, relationship goals!! Keep on trucking and keep being you!!!

    Like

  71. I’ve never seen a drunk ant, but drunk wasps are pretty amusing. I used to have an apple tree that dropped its apples on a stone patio, resulting in a lot of broken apples that fermented in the sun, and subsequently attracted a lot of wasps. The wasps would get eat the fermenting fruit and stagger around on the patio, apparently too inebriated to remember how to fly.

    Like

  72. I was having a no good, very bad, terrible, awful, most depressing day. Thank you for making me smile. 🙂

    Like

    mommatrek recently posted SUCH a first world problem.

  73. I would suggest that, perhaps, the beer really should be left on the porch. Because drunk raccoons might be kind of funny. Or mean. They might be mean drunks. Never mind.

    Liked by 1 person

    becomingcliche recently posted The Introverted Activist: Be the Light.

  74. 75
    Angela Warnick

    OMG!!!! I just snorted Coke………a-cola!!!! I love you!

    Like

  75. Victor such be impressed that you didn’t use the word vagina once!! Awesomeness chapter!! 🙌
    lacking on the vagina a bit though 😂

    Like

  76. I would love to be a fly on your wall and just listen to your conversations with Victor. Thanks for making me smile. Hope all is still going well with your treatments.

    Like

  77. My god. You and Victor have WAY more interesting arguments than my husband and I do. Then again, it might be because I don’t drink beer — I should totally start.

    Liked by 1 person

  78. 79
    I Comment With Poetry

    Some Guinness was spilt on the barroom floor
    When the pub was shut for the night.
    When out of his hole crept a wee brown mouse
    And stood in the pale moonlight.

    He lapped up the frothy foam from the floor
    Then back on his haunches he sat.
    And all night long, you could hear the mouse roar,
    “Bring on the goddamn cat!”

    –Old Irish, anon.

    Liked by 2 people

  79. I don’t know whether to cry over spilled beer or cheer for the ants. There’s so much going on in this post!

    Like

    Kat recently posted An Honest Resume.

  80. Not sure why, but in my mind Victor had a British accent throughout that entire exchange.

    Like

  81. So you know that after you die, and are lined up at the pearly gates, you’ll notice a barrel off to one side. St. Peter looks inside as every person gets to the front of the line. If he can’t see the bottom, he stuffs you in, head down. If you drown, you go straight to hell.

    Like

  82. Okay, MaryHS, now I’m all serious-thinkie about intoxicated ant sociology.

    Like

    Lille recently posted it really was arsenic.

  83. I want to try that with 4 RedBulls 😀

    Like

    dourdan recently posted Dakota Son’s official site.

  84. Coincidence? Just got home from a long day at work, poured a glass of wine and went to sit with husband to chat and unwind. As I try to sit, one of our Aussie Shepherds gives me an affectionate nudge, and I fall into the chair spilling (thankfully white) wine every where.
    Husband says “Oh no! now the dog smells like wine!”
    As I collect myself, I see that the dog is now trying to lick the wine out of the carpet.
    “Yes dear, the dog does smell like wine, and loves me best….because wine.”

    Like

  85. 86
    Anonymous

    Everyday isn’t great but there’s something great in every day.
    Thanks for being the great thing in my day today.

    Like

  86. I’m sorry but that’s alcohol abuse!

    Happy 22d tomorrow. Kiss Victor for all of us. We love him (and you, of course).

    Liked by 1 person

  87. 88
    Anonymous

    How does this NOT get in a book?!! BTW, next book: the Adventures of Victor.

    Liked by 1 person

  88. 89
    Jennie Norton

    Thank you for this gift, Jenny! Reading this was the best part of my day. =)

    Like

  89. 90
    Anonymous

    Hahahaaaa, YES!! How did this not make the book?!

    Like

  90. Hahahaaa, YES! How did this not make the book?!!

    Like

  91. I could totally do this. Here, hold my beer…

    Like

  92. I don’t drink beer, but if I did, I’d totally buy one of these. Come to think of it, my 22 year old daughter who is in her last semester of college drinks beer. This would save her so much time at parties. I’ll buy her one because I’m such a good mother and all-around great influence on my kids.

    Liked by 1 person

    Vicky recently posted Universal Studios – Day 4.

  93. 94
    Michele Erickson

    I absolutely adore the “ fights” between you and Victor!
    That man has such patience and love for you!

    Liked by 1 person

  94. This is hilarious! Furious Elegance needs to be the name of your next book!

    xx Bry Jaimea | BryJaimea.com

    Liked by 1 person

  95. Oh my gosh, this kind of stuff is pants-wettingly funny!

    Like

  96. This guy made ant-drinking sugar water into science & fun too….you can tell Victor this is a serious scientific study….

    https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/these-rainbow-colored-transparent-ants-are-what-they-eat-25521112/

    Like

  97. 98
    Margie D.

    Try it again, but test it with water first!

    Like

  98. You do things even student-me wasn’t brave enough to do, but I’ve been soaking wet in less elaborate drinking quests.

    Like

  99. I can see why Victor was confused and thought beer-science was insane. Most scientists are high off their asses on weed or possibly hallucinogens. I know this because [ redacted ] but I could [ redacted ] every [ redacted].

    Like

  100. This makes me thirsty for another one of your books.

    Like

  101. Is it bad that I want to try this now?

    Like

    Apostrophe T recently posted Scarlett Johansson Is a White Cis Woman.

  102. I would try it with water. I’d hate to waste beer. But you know, we have almost the exact same thought process…..

    Like

  103. 104
    Rebecca in SoCal

    The fact that this did NOT make it into a book bodes well for the book. (Raises the bar)

    Like

  104. 105
    Jenny M.

    I think you two are the fresh modern version of Lucy and Ricky. America needs this show!

    Like

  105. I am also sorry to say that Victor was the “loser” in your argument. I mean really, his retorts to your arguments could not even begin to compare. AND he gave up there at the end when he sarcastically said “good for you” or something like that. That’s what I heard in my head. It rolled through my mind really slowly and oozing with sarcasm, followed by three slow claps. I also imagine Victor delivering this sentiment with a dead look in his eyes???? In summation, Victor deserves to be included in your Loser List.

    Like

  106. BEYOND excited that you have a new book coming out. Even more excited now that I know this gold didn’t make it into the book so there must be even goldier gold in there.

    Like

  107. 108
    KellyJMF

    You could try again but do it standing in a kiddie pool to catch the spills and try again.

    Like

  108. and I cannot WAIT for this book! I can only re-read your previouses (multiple previous books=previouses) so many times… meaning I constantly re-read your previouses many, many times…. and counting!

    Like

  109. I read this, laughed heartily, told my husband to read it and then he was all “You need to stop reading Jenny Lawson’s blog. She’s a bad influence on you.”

    Like

  110. 111
    ELP Veronica

    OMG Jenny! Your “Furiously Scientific Hypothesis on Inebriated Ants” should be published! I have to agree with many on here, you and Victor have the coolest (ahem) debates. I refrain from calling them arguments because you both try to make your points. Which, Victor seems to lose…haha! You guys are the best!

    Like

  111. I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. I needed this today. Thank you Jenny ❤️

    Like

    Amy L. recently posted If It Makes You Happy.

  112. THIS IS HILARIOUS! And now I want to try it, but there are no plastic cups in Vietnam, only paper ones, as far as I’ve seen so far, which isn’t very far, but the cups are much smaller, too, which might make this easier? I’ll let you know.

    Like

  113. this reminded me of how i discovered you in the first place – Knock Knock Motherfucker! KKMF also helped me believe in my bones that I had found my person when my best friend laughed until she cried. Thanks for sharing this, I appreciate so much that you share your struggles and I know how hard it is to laugh, to feel anything when depression is lying to you full time and I also love when you post something this whimsical and hilarious that wine comes out my nose because of the snorting.

    Like

  114. Poor Victor. 🙂

    Like

  115. I bet you could use binder clips to hold the cups together. Although as I try and picture me drinking from the 4 cup thing, I feel I would drown, in beer, feels a little weird. Anyway, drink ants would be interesting to watch. Right?

    Like

  116. 117
    crescent rodgers

    thanks! I needed that- drunk argument after not drinking and the science of drunk ants!!! Personally whenever I tried to drink beer from clear plastic cups, I’d spill them, then the cup would crack and beer would leak all over, and even though I might have only had one (1) people would say I’d had enough… Thanks!!

    Like

  117. 118
    Anonymous

    So,can they focus?

    Like

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