“Fuck all this. I wanna be a dragon.”

in Random Crap, TMS is painful but not as painful as depression

Today was my 14th TMS treatment and it’s still weird and uncomfortable being drilled in the head but I feel better.  

I had one dark day this week but the rest of the time I’d say I feel 50% less depressed and I haven’t had insomnia (KNOCK ON ALL THE WOOD) in a week, which is insane because insomnia is my full-time boyfriend and I do not miss him.  TMS could stop working and it might be a coincidence but after 3 weeks I think I can say that it’s sort of working?  (I whispered that and put a question mark behind it so that the God of I-Heard-That wouldn’t fuck with me.)

There are little things I notice, like the fact that I’m less likely to tweet terrible things at 3am and that I actually want to listen to funny stuff.  I haven’t wanted to watch anything funny in a long time because my depression makes me not be able to appreciate it and I feel like I’m failing at being human, so instead I watch documentaries and horror films because they match my mood, but today I caught up on my friend Ze Frank’s True Facts series again and I smiled.  That smile is the equivalent of laughing hysterically for normal people and it’s a welcome thing.  Will next week bring me saying that I feel like shit now?  Maybe.  But it’s nice to know that something worked if even for a few weeks.  And now, true facts about pangolins.

PS. I finished a new embroidery kit.

My daughter thought this was Gyote so I’m pretty sure that means I have failed as a mother.

 

134 thoughts on ““Fuck all this. I wanna be a dragon.””

Read comments below or add one.

  2. You kicked insomnia out? Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah!!!!! If even for a week, hallelujah! This combined with your Insta video on “feeling” is making me happy dance for you!!!

  3. I love Zefranks videos. His latest one was hilarious. As an Australian, see the four-fingered Echidna penis was fantastic.
    It’s great the treatments seem to be helping you Jenny.

  7. I’m knocking on all the wood for you! I hope THE kicks your depression to the curb.

  8. So, so glad to hear this treatment might be working. And that embroidery is just bad ass!

  9. True Facts is fantastic! I’m so glad you are at the point you can enjoy it <3

  10. I’m so glad your doing better!! I started SSRIs 2 months ago for the first and I think it’s working too!!! At least it is for now and that is amazing! Wishing you the best and I really hope it keeps working out for you. Your blog posts always me smile and I’m so grateful for that. <3

  11. How the heck are you stitching so fast? Are you some kind of savant? I’ve been doing embroidery (a different kind – I like counted thread things) but heck girl. You do lovely work insanely fast.

  14. Excited to hear that whisper you are beginning to feel better. Hope this is a continuing trend and soon you are laughing your ass off at stupid shit.

  16. your smile has looked more relaxed and comfortable lately, it makes me smile to see you smiling like that <3

  17. I wanna be a dragon, too…but I’m not sure I would want to eat people because ewwww. Also – I have said enough negative things this week to totally counter act your hopeful thing that you whispered, so the “I heard that” God will be way too confused to mess with you. You’re welcome.

  18. Jenny, David Bowie would be so pleased!!! I also know your/our boyfriend Insomnia all too well (I think he’s cheating on us) and I too have tired of his presence! I’m glad you are feeling better!!!

  20. I’m also knocking on all the wood right now. Glad your treatment is looking up. And I know it’s painful, but if it helps you it is SO worth it. With depression, it doesn’t matter what weird shit we have to do, if it works, it works. Love and good vibes from Texas.

  23. I thought maybe it was David Bowie. Who, or what, the heck is Gyote? (So glad you feel even a little bit better.)

  24. Keep up the good work. I know you can finally lick this thing! <3 <3 <3

  32. I’m so glad this seems to be working for you—hurray!! Wishing you he very best going forward from here!

  33. Really, really glad it seems to be working for you. It gives a lot of us hope. Just glad we live in a time and place where meds, TMS, etc. are available instead of 100 years ago anywhere or a lot of places now.
    But did you ever think that a dragon might want to be a human? It would definitely make housing easier to find, and if we were dragons it would probably worry and confuse most of our pets.

  34. A week without insomnia? Amazing! So, so happy you’re getting relief.

  35. Congratulations! Also, there is ALWAYS time to redeem yourself and give that girl the Bowie fest she deserves!

  36. If Hayley’s not instantly recognizing Bowie, then that needs to be remedied immediately. I am very happy to hear that you are still seeing progress! Woohoo for smiles and no insomnia!

    (We immediately started a full Bowie regimen. She knew most of the songs but had never seen him. ~ Jenny)

  37. I hope you continue to feel better, friend. Glad you could find some things funny. I miss laughing hysterically, too. But one day at a time. One treatment at a time.

  38. I have a question I have bipolar 2. I love summer and stay outside as much as I can. This makes me manic-y.
    Today I woke up totally depressed.
    Do people flip that fast?

    Sorry to switch topics I am truly happy for you!!

  40. I’m so glad to hear this is working, I’ve thought of trying it myself. Do you notice any side effects?

    (Some headaches but they don’t last long. I have a facial tic that seems slightly more noticeable but maybe I’m just more aware of it. My head is slightly lumpy (?) after treatment but it usually goes back to mostly normal in an hour or so. I’m tired but not sure if it’s related to the treatment. ~ Jenny)

  41. So happy you are having some success! This is so helpful to read as it was suggested my Dr. Also I think the embroidery looks like my migraines so I need to screen shot it.

  42. So happy you’re feeling better! And conquering insomnia is HUGE! (Sorry for shouting). I know from experience how badly you need sleep to stay healthy, so despite losing your middle-of-the-night rambling thoughts, which are usually hilarious, sleep is better for you.

  43. I’m so glad to hear this is working, I’ve thought of trying it myself. Do you notice any side effects?

  45. This is the best you’ve been in a while so I say this is a WIN. I’m so happy for you. Omg what if you end up going to party’s every week and become a people person 😱😱😱😱😱😱

  46. I’m glad it’s working! My hubs is a candidate for TMS and we are wondering they stopped antidepressants for you or if you are continuing on them while doing TMS? V sorry if that question is too personal, we’re just looking for some hope 🙂

    (I’m still on them but in a week or so I meet with my doctor to decide whether to go down on the dosage or not. ~ Jenny)

  47. I really, really hope it works for you. It works for a lot of people.

    It did not work for my husband, but he’s hanging in and still working hard on being here. So even if it doesn’t work fully, or continue to give relief, don’t give up.

  48. Knocking on wood in H-town! You would make a great dragon. Just remember that everything tastes better with ketchup. I like your Bowie piece!

  52. I love your commentary and your last art project!! Absolutely beautiful!

  53. Awesome that you are feeling better. I’ve been in the dumps for months – I haven’t been this bad for a very long time. I’m wondering if this is something I can do at home? I don’t feel very “get out of the house-y”. Maybe with a battery strapped to my forehead and my feet in wet slippers? Wait. Am I being insensitive? I certainly don’t mean to be. I totally respect that you’ve gone to a professional and I’m happy it’s working so far, it’s just that I would like to feel better but I feel bad enough not to want to make myself feel better. Does that make sense? Probably not but I don’t have the initiative to correct it. :o)

    (I totally understand. ~ Jenny)

  54. I totally understand that “I’m afraid to hope because I might jinx it” mentality. Also the “if I’m not depressed then who will I be?” quandary. Thank you so much for bringing us along on your journey! You are a brave warrior.

  55. So envious that you broke up with insomnia. I keep trying to but he won’t leave me alone. So glad you’re feeling better.

  57. So I was very lucky to only be on antidepressants for about a year, but this reminds me of when I had been taking them for about a month and I was in the car and I actually smiled at something, I dont remember what it was or why I was smiling, I just remember realizing that I was actually SMILING for real, not as a show. I almost cried. Its an amazing feeling when you start to feel again. Congrats and sending good ju ju that it continues to work.

  58. I SOO relate to you saying a smile for you is like a normal person laughing hysterically. I do the same thing. I follow one particular blog fairly regularly, Jen Yates’ Cakewrecks (which anybody who doesn’t should really check out because it’s seriously funny: http://www.cakewrecks.com). Quite often in the comments, people will mention how they laughed so loud their family/co-workers came to see what was wrong and/or they spit a beverage out of their mouth. I’ve never done any of this, even though I find the humor hilarious. The most I’ve ever done is a brief chuckle. And that’s rare; usually I just smile wryly. This is where the discrepancy between my reactions and others first manifested, but they’re obvious in other parts of my life, too. I rarely if ever laugh at others’ jokes, and my daughter says I need to laugh more. I really wish I did.

  59. A guy at a party got into a huge fight claiming Ziggy Stardust was a real person and had died from an overdose. Everyone told him he was wrong but he persisted in his claim. I wish there had been cell phones then because it would have been fun to download a video of the incident to YouTube.

    And Yea on getting your brain zapped.

  61. I’m so excited it’s working for you! Also yasss, I love Ze Frank! Even his more serious videos from a while back are just amazing. It makes so much sense that y’all are firends.

  62. Thank you for this. My brother started tms this week and while not optimistic, it helps to know about your progress.

  63. I thought I was winning because my 16 yo identified David Bowie. My 13 yo thought it was an image from Jen and the Holograms, which is a different kind of success. But then they both said they had never listened to Bowie, and then I knew I had truly failed.

  64. You want to watch movies, and you smiled! I can’t remember the last time I actually wanted to watch anything on television but Supernatural reruns. Yay! I’d call this a win so far. Keep going!

  65. Bowie…Gyote…let’s call the whole thing off. 😉 I’m beyond thrilled that the TMS is having a positive effect! Woot! Woot! I hope my “significant insomniother” will break up with me soon.

  66. I look forward to True Facts every week. Always a bright spot for me. I’m really glad this is working for you so far!!

  68. Have you watched Teue Facts about the Owl? It is the most awesome!

  69. Jenny, I’m so glad you’re feeling better. Also, pangolins rock and Ziggy Stardust for the win!

  70. i just found out yesterday that my husband is going behind my back & preparing to divorce me. new bank acct, diverting funds, etc. i suddenly feel old & my depression was right there waiting to hug me tight. this morning i realized that i haven’t been laughing a lot & that is the one thing (other than my kid) that i live for! i couldn’t even breathe when i saw your anniversary stuff. too overcome. but today? that Zefrank’s video? that made me laugh. what a nice feeling.

    (I’m sending you so much love. ~ Jenny)

  71. Love that embroidery and luckily you have time to redeem yourself re: Bowie. Maybe she just knows him from like “I’m Afraid Of Americans” look onward. (Hoping, hoping!) I also just got back into the True Facts series! I so hope this brings up your baseline.

  72. My fields disappeared when I wrote my comment so now I am anonymous but that’s me right up there, #71! I think it means more when it has a name.

  73. Thank s for the True Facts! Laughed so hard I cried! Thanks for everything. You mean so much to me!

  74. What a relief to see other people saying what I experience: that truly laughing out loud is like Hi.lar.i.ous for other people. I feel like such a Debbie Downer when books that have people rolling on the floor evince just a smile from me. Which is why my comment, once, that I snort-laughed (in public) at Furiously Happy means so much! Anyway, it’s good to have company in my quiet humor corner.

  75. That smile was a trophy. And FUCK the God of I-Heard-That. Nothing is allowed to make you afraid to hope. Because, um, I said so.

  77. I am happy for you. You are lucky. People love you and get you. I hate my life, depression and anxiety. My husband distances himself from me. I go to therapy. I take medications. Yet, my spark for life is gone. It now interest with every aspect of my former like. I have suicidal thoughts especially while reducing medication. If I feel ok, it the higher medication tha helps. You just stay in a coma and dread going out. I try mefication, therapy, taking off work, reading self help books, and different religious paths. Nothing helps. I tried cutting once and that relieved some pain. Tried tattoos. Temporary relief. Pain with pain. I am in a dark and lonely place. My co-worker committed suicide last week and I totally understand why. It scared me. Not in a good way either. I prayed for her all night. A part of me wants to join her. I should be thankful I am alive. But deep inside I died in 2014.

  78. Where do you get your embroidery kids??! I love any kind of needlework, but I especially enjoy kits that come with all the little stuff so I don’t have to venture out to the craft store.

  81. Jenny, Thanks for the funny video and creating this forum. A lot of people feel less alone and people who suffer from depression so very very need that, to feel less alone.

  82. You’re right when you say Insomnia is like a long term boyfriend. A very abusive asshole of a boyfriend if I do say so myself (which is a weird saying. If I do say so myself. Well, obviously you do say so or you wouldn’t have said it. I may be missing something though. I dunno.) But any way to get rid of him for any amount of time is a win. Congratulations! I’m so happy for you. Also I’ve decided that Fuck all this. I wanna be a dragon. Is going to be the title for my yet to be written autobiography. So thank you for that too. Hugs!

  83. It’s very sad (for them) that “youngsters today” don’t have a clue about our wondrous cultural icons. And, Yay Pangolins! Hang in there.

  85. I’m excited for you and very grateful that you’re sharing what this journey is like. I’ve been reading on the FDA approving MDMA for use in treating (my Gollum) Complex PTSD, and I’m getting curious enough to consider investigating a study being done at UCLA.
    I believe the thinking is to treat returned veterans -and LA certainly has lots of these hurt people, -but others of us that have been in undeclared wars at home from assault, violent crime and domestic violence need a re-set, too. If it works as well as they say it does…

    Also I’m admiring your embroidery a great deal. Wouldn’t those be wonderful cut out as patches and sewn on a jean jacket?

  86. I have all my fingers and toes crossed that this treatment makes a good difference in your life! Okay, technically the toes are ‘fused’ rather than crossed but think of it as me having them crossed permanently on your behalf!

  87. I’m fingers-crossed hoping the smiling continues.

    Every time I see you in that contraption, I think, “that’s a migraine for sure.”

    But…my shit health contributes to my depression, so…idk. Doesn’t matter anyway, since my insurance just threw a huge fit over a fucking MRI.

    Wishing you continued success and the hope that one day you’ll be able to SHOUT it. And laugh.

  89. I hate that this is happening to you; I’m so sorry.
    I’m sure you’re probably looking in to all paths, so please ignore if this is redundant. I get botox for my migraines and was at the clinic last week for a re-up and notices a sign saying that it can be used as a TMJ treatment as well. Have you considered it?

  91. That Awesome embroidery looks a lot like somebody that I used to know…..

  92. I doubt you’ll get to my question but I’m curious if the TMS is a last resort treatment after trying all anti depressants? Like they used shock therapy in the old days. I know TMS is not shock therapy. Just using the comparison.

  93. (Whispering this quietly) Yay for at least a few nights without insomnia. I can’t imagine not being able to watch funny things since that’s what helps me, but we’re all different. Ze Frank is hilarious: “In fact, before Morgan Freeman was born there were no penguins.” From that movie about penguins…duh! Am keeping my fingers crossed that TMS keep working. Do you need follow up treatments?

  94. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Maybe I should look into this “head-drilling” stuff. 🙂 You’re beautiful, and crazy (read: bipolar) people like me need your voice in this world–esp. when we’re in-between evil meds. 🙂 <3 I would totally recommend you sell your Bowie art on etsy or something.

  96. Someone probably already said this, but if it keeps people from tweeting terrible things at 3:00 am, He Who Shall Not Be Named needs to be hog-tied and forced to have the treatment .

  100. Your smile says it all… except how you get your satin stitches so even. (I’m jealous).

  101. Pangolin scales are used in Chinese medicine, even tho they’re nothing but keratin; and people eat their ‘meat’. Of the 8 species of pangolins, 2 are critically endangered, 2 are endangered, and the other 4 are listed as venerable. They are the most illegally traded animal in the world. Sorry to be a downer but pangolins are freaking awesome & they might go extinct in our lifetimes because of hunting & illegal trade & this is something that everyone needs to know. … aside from that (a’hem…awkward throat clearing & stepping down from my soap box) I’m so glad you’re starting to feel better!!!!! Thank you for sharing your journey.

  102. The pangolin narration is one of my fave things. I love that guy, he does such hilarious voice overs. Is he Ze Franks True Facts? I have to find and follow him.
    Congratulations that the therapy seems to be helping, fingers crossed it continues to improve. You’re awesome.

  103. I’m so happy TMS is helping. Love the new piece!! And yeeees the True Facts is freag’n hi-larious🤣🤣

  104. You go girl…I finished TMS recently and even though I was skeptical I kept feeling better and better! Sending good vibes your way

  105. I love true facts! Thanks so much for sharing your experience with this. I’ve been to scared to try it but seeing you do it makes me feel like I can too.

  106. I’m so glad to hear things are getting better. Insomnia is a bitch, so kick him to the curb! Sending positive vibes your way for continued improvement.

  108. David Bowie is a much better boyfriend than insomnia. Even as a ghost. Keep being a neurostar.

  109. Two things: One, where do you get all your embroidery kits? I have been wanting to get into embroidery and your kits are awesome. Two, what is that beautiful space themed fabric in the background?
    Also I am very happy for you, I needed to hear good news today!

    (Etsy shops mostly. 🙂 And the space themed background is a Miss Frizzle inspired dress I found online. ~ Jenny)

  110. You just helped me figure out some recent feelings. My birthday is coming up on the 23rd (38), and today I started getting cranky because I always get pre-emptively disappointed. I convince myself that no one cares and that no one will go to any effort. I think it’s tied to my YEARS of depression and that there’s some sort of trigger. I’m going to write myself a note and tape it up on the mirror reminding myself that it’s just feelings and that I do indeed have some agency in terms of controlling those feelings. I need to make extra sure I’m taking my meds as prescribed, and I need to voice my concerns so that I know I’m not dealing with these feelings alone. Thank you.

  112. Really hoping your mood continues to lift you can feel whole again! You are an inspiration to so many I hope and pray you keep up the fight!

  113. I had rTMS 2 years ago. While it wasn’t a miracle cure, it definitely has improved my life. My depression and anxiety are better than before on half the medication. I call this a win. I have very few bads days now.

  115. I wish we were friends because I tell everyone to read ‘let’s pretend’ bc I about died laughing so hard. Thanks!

  116. I’m so so sooooo glad you are feeling better! Whether or not it’s temporary I know how much of a relief it is. (I watched that video and got really really really frustrated because I KNOW THAT VOICE but I’ve never heard of that person or the ‘True Facts’ series… Finally realized, Sad Cat Diary. I’ve watched that video a bajillion times.)

  117. I am so happy you are starting to feel better Jenny! Your smile is totally awesome!

  118. I’m so glad the treatment is …. maybe working? cringes from the I-Heard-That Gods and immediately sacrifices a stuffed animal goat to hopefully appease them
    That youtube series might be my new favorite thing on the Internet (besides this blog, of course)
    That embroidery is fabulous.

  119. Gyote…HA! Amazing. So thrilled to hear that it is working, Jenny. I am rooting for you and a long-term reprieve from the monsters that fuck with you…more than you know. Lots of love from Canada!

  121. I think I’d rather have a dragon as a pet, as long as it’s tiny, like the baby ones in Game of Thrones. But then I couldn’t have anything nice because they breathe fire.

  123. Today my brain is lying. Thank God I know that. Hate these times. Hug each other. Love

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  126. This is awesome!! Hooray!
    (My depression makes me want to watch nothing but trashy Bravo TV Shows.. i have a hard time watching anything of substance)

  127. I laugh because I get you on the cross-stich failing as a mom thing. There’s a lot of things I’ll let slide but damnit, my kids better know the 80s/90s references I throw out on a daily basis.

    PS Glad the treatment is working. Seriously.

  128. This post made me cry. I know the feeling of finally getting a breath of air when you did not even know you where drowning. I am so happy for you! Fingers crossed it keeps working.

  129. I am elated that you’re feeling better – that insomnia boyfriend is a good-for-nothing lowlife and I hope you’re well shot of him. Continued best wishes for even moar improvement (now with even less dark days!)

    About the looking for funny stuff – go slowly, but look up (if you don’t already know him) Gabriel Iglesias. He has a number of specials available and “I’m Sorry For What I Said When I was Hungry” is available on Netflix and was shot here in Chicago last year. You will appreciate him.

  130. yep, that’s a fail. That’s ok, we all fail our kids somehow. If that is your biggie you are off and runnning!

  131. Everybody wants to be dragon because they are the best mystical creatures ever known to man. I dont know who Gyote is I just thought I heard the name in one of the How to train your dragon movie. How to train your dargon 3 will soon be showing in 2019.

  132. I am so far down that dark hole where i just want to die and your words the past few weeks are inspirational
    “My depression makes me not be able to appreciate it and I feel like I’m failing at being human, so instead I watch documentaries and horror films because they match my mood. “. That is so me. And my daughters who is so wonderful has inherited or just watched me too long that she also hates to leave the house. I can’t stop the thoughts of she’d be better without me. I’m recently unemployed, have no support system and can’t afford to move on.
    I just hear that whisper in my head constantly (just let me die). Where do they do TMS? It sounds terrible but i have always felt that I needed a sharp kick in the head.

  133. I remember the day I smiled from a feeling resembling happiness (as opposed to a fake “I’m ok” smile) for the first time in at least two years. I hope this means the depression is lifting. Remember we love you!

  134. omg SO I am totally new to this website and I’m trying to suss it out. I have no idea how I’ve come across your blog but I already love it. Love your humour and phrasing!!

    You’re boss x

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