This was supposed to be a post about how awesome towels are but then my cat Rolly fucked it all up. I was going to share my discovery about how if you wrap your hair up in a tight towel-turban when you’re upside down after a shower it pulls your face-skin back so it’s all taut and you look like you just had a mini-face-lift which is cool because you can combat the I-feel-vulnerable-because don’t-have-any-make-up-on problem with the but-I-do-have-a-youthful-fake-face-lift thing, but then when I was setting up my camera my cat jumped on my head. And technically she does that almost every morning but this particular morning I was trying to document my towel discovery and it was fucking up the whole look, but then I noticed that the weight of the cat body actually pulled the towel further back and made the face-lift thing even more dramatic. Which was kind of great except that she’s so fat that she sqwooshed my neck so I looked even less swan-like than usual but then I thought maybe it was an okay trade-off because her height gave me the illusion of being taller (which is slimming) so then I was totally conflicted and so I went and asked Victor, “Be honest…does does this cat make me look fatter…or younger?” and he just kind of stared at me and I’m all “Seriously, this is not a trick question. This is for science.” And then he was all “You know, you’re the reason why that damn cat jumps on everyone’s head. If you’d stop letting her ride around like that we’d have a lot less people complaining that our cat attacked their head” and then I was all “I’m not even going to talk to you while you’re being ridiculous” and I walked away because Victor’s mother doesn’t count as “everyone” and besides, the cat was probably just trying to make her look younger. Or fatter. Hard to tell with cats.
PS. This is exactly why I keep a tripod set up in my bathroom. And also, it makes people take faster showers because they never know if the camera is going to go off. So I’m saving water and inventing beauty tips. And also I’m making cats more useful. You’re welcome, America.
I showed this picture to Victor and he was all "Is that my toothbrush?!" like *that's* the pertinent issue. Victor needs to get his priorities straightened out. And also have no idea if that's his toothbrush. I'm way to busy doing science to pay attention to trivial shit like that.
Comment of the day: Clearly, to activate the scientific part of your brain you need a cat to sit on it. That’s why Einstein’s hair was so fucked up. He didn’t want people to see the cat. He wanted all the credit. ~ a
I’m alive. Got back from my Navy trip yesterday and I’m still exhausted and trying to sober up but I figured you guys would be worried if you didn’t hear from me so here’s a quick taste of what happened:
I got on a plane with Guy Kawasaki, Dennis Hall, Charlene Li, Beth Blecherman, Jen Leo, Pamela Slim, Andrew Nystrom, Jennifer Van Grove, Jennifer Jones, Bill Reichert, Jefferson Wagner, Robert Scoble, Andy Sernovitz and Neptunus Lex and we landed quite violently on the USS Nimitz aircraft carrier in the middle of the ocean but I was kind of too high to remember most of it except that we were in some sort of mail plane I think, and it looked like the inside of Han Solo’s ship except with less wookies:
Then I commandeered a gun and then they tried to take it back and I explained that I’d feel safer holding on to it just in case Tommy Lee Jones comes on board and I can’t find the chef…
…and they gave me a weird look because I guess not everyone in the Navy has seen Under Siege, which seemed suspect to me and I joked that they were probably all actually Russian Communists but then they gave me an even weirder look which just confirmed my suspicions but then later when I was in the brig I realized that I was accidentally combining Under Siege and The Hunt for Red October into one movie, which actually would probably be a kick-ass movie. I’d call it The Hunt for the Siege of Red October, part II: Sharkey’s Revenge. That way people would think it must be awesome because why else would they make a sequel?
I had a lot of time to think about it.
PS. Real post about all of this coming.
PPS. I adored the people on that ship so much it shocked me and can never thank them enough for letting come join their family for the weekend. Also, if whichever one of those Koreas is being a bastard hurts them in any way I will lose. my. shit. Seriously, Korea. Stop being an asshole.
PPPS. I just posted probably my best advice ever on my advice column. Long story short in case you think you’re too good to read the whole thing: Stop fucking bears.
Comment of the day:
Shit that happened this week:
1. Hailey recovered from scarlet fever and then I got it except the guy at the readi-clinic was all “You just have a cold, ma’am” but I feel like shit so I’m pretty sure it’s the plague and also why the fuck are you calling me “ma’am”? I realize you’re only 25 but you are a doctor and ma’aming me is just rude at this point. I know, you’re all younger than me and you’re already a doctor and never have to eat ramen noodles BUT YOU WORK INSIDE A GROCERY STORE. And also, you made me have to look up the spelling of the word “ma’am” and that shit totally doesn’t look right.
2. I gave out professional advice about p0rn and how to fake giving birth to the Messiah.
3. I changed the background color of my blog 90,000 times and every time someone would say ”Ew”, so I changed it to the lightest color of pee I could find and so far, no complaints. I think that’s because light-colored pee is healthy and means you’re drinking just enough and so you feel all self-righteous and you think about bringing in your coworker because someone needs to appreciate this but he’s in a meeting and no one else understands you there and then you think that it probaby wouldn’t work anyway because he’s a boy and this is the ladies room but we could totally sneak him in when there wasn’t anyone in there but you know as soon as you got him in there you’d be stuck because your boss would walk in and then you’d both have to hide in the stall and try not to laugh and you’d be pointing at the pee and mouthing “LOOK AT THAT. IT’S AWESOME” and he’d be all “WHY THE HELL ARE WE IN THE BATHROOM?!” and he’d be screaming but silently and then you’d be mouthing “I HAD 9 GLASSES OF WATER THIS MORNING” and then he’d try to tell you that that’s actually unhealthy because of something about how it throws off the sodium in your body and you could die and I’m all “FINE, DEBBIE-DOWNER. I WAS JUST TRYING TO SHARE MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS WITH YOU” and then he’s all “WELL I’M JUST TRYING TO SAVE YOUR LIFE” and then you quit work but you come back two weeks later to visit and he’s all pissed off that you haven’t called or anything but he still tries to hug you and you’re all “No, don’t hug me. I just got molested by a giraffe and I smell like urine”.
3. I got molested by a giraffe and smelled like urine and then had to go to my old job to pick up my final paycheck and I was trying to be all “Oh, my new life of unemployment is so glamorous! Don’t get near me though, because of all the giraffe piss”. This is probably the entry that needs the most explanation but that second point was way too long and by now most of you are all “What’s for dinner?”, “Is something burning?”, “I wonder who’s on twitter now?”, “No, seriously. *Is* something burning?” but for the four of you still here I will give you the story: I was molested. By a giraffe. And I smelled like urine.
4. Wait. I just realized I didn’t really explain anything there. Basically I went to the zoo for a social media outreach thingie with 3 other writers and first of all we ran the golf cart into a fence and it got so caught we couldn’t even lift it and had to abandon it. Then the zoo people were all “Wanna get in the giraffe pen and feed the giraffes?” and I’m all “With all the urine? OF COURSE I DO.” Oh wait. No. I think I said “Oh. I guess so?” So then I got in with the giraffes and the zoo people were all “Oh, look…the male is doing a urine test to see if she’s in heat” and basically the giraffe stuck his face in the butt of the female giraffe and she peed on his face and I’m all “Ew. …I mean ‘Oh! The miracle of nature!’” and right then the male giraffe swung his uriney face around and totally hit me with his snoot! And his face was totally as big as a dinosaurs. Like, from a distance they look like they have tiny dog heads because they’re so far away but up close their heads are like the size of 80 canteloupes. Then he grabbed ahold of me with his big neck and pushed me up against the wall and the zoo people were all “Giraffe guy! (I can’t remember his name because I probably blocked it out from the trauma) Let her go!” but they were saying it very playfully but then he pushed me over to the other side of the fence and pinned me there and I’m all “I’M ON THE I.U.D. I’M NOT EVEN FERTILE.” but the giraffe was like “Oh, I don’t speak English” and then I smelled like giraffe and urine and on the way out I mentioned that I wanted a rape kit and the zoo people laughed but I was only partially kidding and then one of them was all “It was probably your dress. He likes blue” which is the equivalent of “Well she was totally asking for it. Did you see what she was wearing?” Then they brought us back to the zoo office and this lady told us about how the Houston Zoo is all into conservation and she started talking about yellow-spotted-mountain-tree-toad-fungus that’s killing frogs and I stopped listening but then she said something about how there was a frog with juices 100 times stronger than morphine that’s also non-addictive and I was all ” We can not lose morphine frog” and I asked her to describe what it looks like and where I could find one and she totally wouldn’t tell me and she started talking about how there’s another frog that if you inject pee into it and you’re pregnant the frog will lay eggs immediately and the girl next to me is all “Like EPT. And you can use it over and over” which is cool but get back to morphine frog but she totally wouldn’t and said she was kinda out of it because she hadn’t slept for 5 days because of “toad issues” which I think means she’d been on a toad juice bender. Then she started talking about “what a cotton-tree sounds like when you are lying in the grass” and I was all “This lady is high right now“. So basically I’m going to start licking a bunch of random frogs just in case one is the morphine frog. Not that pee frog though. That’s disgusting.
5. Oh I almost forgot! The zoo sent me photos of our jaunt except they only included pictures immediately before the attack where I look all happy because probably their legal team was all “You can’t send her those pictures but let’s pin them up in the office so we can laugh at them all day. Is that giraffe urine dripping off of her? Awesome.”
6. I wrote this entire post while drunk. True story. If I were you I probably wouldn’t read it. Also, I love the zoo in spite of the whole giraffe rape thing and they did not pay me to say that although they did give me a stuffed panda bear which my dog is chewing on right now. Bad dog. Is this the longest post I’ve ever written? I’m pretty sure it is. It’s so long I don’t even know how to end it.
The end.
UPDATED: 7. Yes, I know I look crazy in that picture but I think maybe it’s partially because there’s a giant giraffe head right next to me but then I just took another picture with my phone to prove I don’t look that weird in real life and I totally still have crazy eyes. I probably have some sort of giraffe VD.
Comment of the day: Okay, I’m going to feel like a bastard for saying this, but I feel like I have to: the giraffe picture is pretty much what I would imagine it to look like if Helen Keller went to visit the zoo. Don’t get me wrong, she was an AWESOME human being, but homegirl couldn’t pose worth a damn. ~ Michael
A series of unrelated crap:
1. I took a picture of this semi with my phone while I was driving because I’m totally safe like that.
And then I was all “when did jam get flammable?” Because honestly, there are some things that you shouldn’t have to worry about spontaneously combusting and one of those is jam. The other is babies but apparently they’re bursting into flames all the time too because why else do all of their pajamas scream ”FLAME RETARDANT” on them. That’s why you aren’t allowed to put blankets on them at night. Blankets are like baby kindling. I always hold babies at an arms length just in case they suddenly catch fire. Also because I’m not good with children.
2. Victor had to do a redesign on my blog because it kept breaking and now it feels very Swedish and reminds me of tundra. I wanted it to be all ninja-like and remind me of Garanimals. Victor was all “What the fuck are you talking about? What’s a Garanimal?” and I’m all “You know. They were like mix and match clothes for rich kids.” And then I started talking about how if Garanimals was still in business and I was in their marketing department I’d totally use that Nine Inch Nails song that’s all “I Wanna Fuck You Like an Animal” and change it to “I Wanna Wear You Like Garanimals” because people would sing it all the time and then Victor was all “What is wrong with you?” and I’m like “That’s probably why they went out of business” and Victor was all “Yeah, that’s why they went out of business” but then I looked them up and turns out they’re still in business and I think I just confused them with the ShirtTales. In other words, I’m not sure if I like my blog redesign.
3. A new Ask the Bloggess advice column is up. How to shave male junk, cat umbilical cords, dead Mayans, blah, blah, blah.
4. I wanna wear you like Garanaimals. Seriously, I can’t stop singing it.
Comment of the day: Inflammable babies explains a lot – i’ve always instinctively stayed clear of them. I can’t risk a baby exploding - I’ve got the kind of skin that scars. ~ Sheila
