A series of helpful post-it notes I left around the house for my husband this week:
Dear Victor: This bath towel was wet and you left it on the floor and it was the last clean one in the house. I’m pretty sure this is how tuberculosis is spread. I’m writing all this in my blog in case I end up dead because of your carelessness.
Dear Victor: There is a pile of business suits for the dry-cleaners that have been in the closet for 5 months. We both work at home. The fuck, Victor?
Dear Victor: Why is cleaning up cat vomit always my job? Was I not here when we picked from the job jar? Is there a job jar at all? Because I’d like to re-draw. Also, I’m aware that you always have to clean out the litter box but that’s because at any moment my IUD could fail and I could accidentally get pregnant and then get that cat-poop-pregnancy-disease and our baby would be born with no arms or legs Is that what you want, Victor? For our baby not to have arms? You are so selfish.
Dear Victor: You make me sick. Why in God’s name wouldn’t you just put up the empty pizza box when you were done with it? Are your arms broken? Do you have some sort of disease I don’t know about that makes you blind to empty pizza boxes?
Dear Victor: Okay, I just remembered I was the last one to make pizza so I guess I left this box out. Still, I’m leaving out the note anyway so you can learn from it. Bad, bad Victor.
Dear Victor: I do not appreciate you leaving passive aggressive addendum’s to my helpful post-it notes. In fact, they are the opposite of helpful. They are just bitter.
Dear Victor: If you leave wet towels on the ground again I will stab you.
Dear Victor: You can’t take clothes out of the dryer without telling me and just dump them on the bed in a heap. When you find them they’ve usually cooled off and then I have to put them all BACK in the dryer with a cup of water and then re-run the dryer so all the wrinkles come out and then sneak each article of clothing out one at a time and hang it up. It’s called “a method”, Victor. Stop judging me.
Dear Victor: No, actually, I don’t know how to use an iron. Because we don’t own one. How have you never noticed this before?! The dryer is our iron, Victor. Also, I would appreciate it if you would talk to me directly instead of yelling at me on a post-it. These post-its are for educational purposes. Not to draw lewd caricatures of hands pointing menacingly at me. Also, you’re supposed to point with your index finger. This is basic pointing etiquette.
Dear Victor: I’ve poisoned something in the fridge. Good luck with that.
Dear Victor: I’m sorry. I think I might have PMS. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
Dear Victor: That was an apology, you asshole! Now there are two things poisoned in the fridge. Because you don’t know how to accept an apology.
Dear Victor: I am so sorry you are sick. I swear I was just kidding about poisoning shit in the fridge. I mean, I did leave the yogurt out for like a half a day but that really more by accident because I was so distracted by the wet towel on the floor. If anything, you brought this on yourself. Once again, I apologize.
Dear Victor: I love you but I’m getting kind of weak from hunger and I know you said you didn’t poison anything but everytime I take a bite of something you leer and laugh suspiciously and I have to spit it out. I can only assume this is probably how Gandhi felt when he wasn’t allowed to eat. (Here’s a hint: He felt stabby.)
Dear Victor: Okay, first of all, you don’t know that Gandhi went on a hunger strike on purpose. For all we know he was avoiding poisoning too. The people who survive are the ones write the history, Victor. Not the people who die of hunger because their husbands may or may not have poisoned all the food in the house. Except I have a blog and I’m totally putting all of this up right now in case people find my emaciated body later and demand justice. There will be a reckoning and it will be brutal and swif
Dear Victor: Great. Now we’re out of post-it’s. I’m writing this on the towel you left on the ground this morning since we obviously have no respect for towels anymore. I’m going to the grocery store for more post-its and I’m going to eat unpoisoned triskits straight out of the box while I’m there so I will return fresh and renewed. Also, the cat vomited in the hall and I am NOT cleaning it up. I have had enough, Victor. And so has the cat. Who I’m assuming you poisoned.
Dear Victor: The cat and I are leaving you. You can have the dog. Also, I’ve decided not to go get post-it notes after all because I’m no longer speaking with you so I’m just writing this on your handtowel. You will never hear from me again.
Dear Victor: The dog started whining when I told him he had to stay with you so I’m taking him too.
Dear Victor: Yes, actually I was holding a bag of dog treats when I told him he had to stay with you but I don’t think that had anything to do with his reaction. Also, we’re running out of dishtowels so this will be my last message to you.
Dear Victor: OKAY. Fine. You can have the dog. I tried to put him in the car and he peed on me. You two deserve each other. I am writing this on the dog because it seemed fitting. Also I couldn’t find packing peanuts for all the booze so I just drank it all. YOU WILL MISS ME SO MUCH ONCE I’M SOBER ENOUGH TO WAKE UP AND DRIVE AWAY.
Dear Victor: Wow. That…really got out of hand. I’m sending this cat in as a peace offering. I forgive you for all the stuff you wrote about my sister on the walls and I’m going to just ignore all the stuff you wrote about my “giant ass” (turn cat over for rest) because I love you and you need me. Who else loves you enough to send you notes written on cats? Nobody, that’s who. Also, I stapled a picture of us from our wedding day to the cat’s left leg. Don’t we look happy? We can be that way again. Just stop leaving wet towels on the floor. That’s all I ask. I’m low-maintenance that way. Also, this cat needs to go on a diet. I shouldn’t be able to write this much on a cat and still have room left over.
Epilogue: Victor forgave me and we all lived happily every after except for the cat who had to have his leg amputated but that was less from the infection and more from his poor circulation because he was so fat. He kind of brought it on himself too. But now he’s less fat. By like, a whole leg.
(Disclaimer: Most of this post was exaggerated except for the part where Victor left a wet towel on the floor. That shit totally happened. I’m still working though it.)
(Disclaimer part 2: Oh, and also the part where Victor got stabbed. That really happened too but that was totally unrelated to the towel. Also he got stabbed with a giant fishing gaff in the thigh so it’s pretty obvious that I didn’t do that because I don’t even know how to use a fishing gaff and also I have better aim. I mean, who stabs someone in the thigh? A maniac, probably.)
Comment of the day: So leaving towels on the floor was worth stabbing him over, but writing terrible things about me on the hall was an easily forgivable offense?
I’m feeling a bit stabby now too. ~ my sister (the Original Lisa)
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I’m going to embroider “I’m feeling stabby” on a t-shirt and wear it to work from now on. You’re so inspiring like that.
Grey Street Girl´s last blog ..Awesome Story
I’m sure it was entirely coincidental but I’m guessing there will be fewer wet towels left on the floor in the future.
Steve´s last blog ..Retention
Generally I save my cat for death threats, but I suppose love letters work okay, too.
MonsteRawr´s last blog ..Handing out my Honest Crap
You are one brilliantly hilarious lady!
Bennie´s last blog ..And on the Seventh Day…
I kind of love post it notes. I even made a squidoo page on them. That’s not weird.
http://www.squidoo.com/postits
Elizabeth Potts Weinstein´s last blog ..“Modeling” Sucks!
“Dear Victor: I’ve poisoned something in the fridge. Good luck with that.”
Bwaaaaaaaaaaaahahahaha!! I’m sorry Victor got stabbed, but this blog entry made my whole day.
velocibadgergirl´s last blog ..
Clearly Gahndi had it right. If we ALL just felt a little stabbier then maybe we would all be able to reach peaceful, albeit fucked-up, resolutions like this.
Sarah´s last blog ..fuckyeahtwilightsucks:summerlala:followandreblog:fuckyeahvo…
I’m glad you didn’t kill Victor, I’m still waiting to see if his stab wound gets infected. It’s nice that you got him a tetanus shot.
What is it with men and wet towels on the floor? Do they prefer them there? Are they brewing mold? Is fermented sour their prefered cologne? If you find out let us know.
there is nothing I can say to enhance this post, but as I’m laughing my ass off, the dog is eying me suspiciously because even though he’s black and I can’t write a note on him, we do have a stapler.
momranscreaming´s last blog ..I had no idea Chicago was so beautiful
hee hee hee
“I feel stabby” that’s pretty much the definition of PMS, isn’t it?
Jenny, you make me smile
good shit girl. =)
in fact, I’m feelin a second smiley. =)
peedee´s last blog ..The Boys and John Hughes
I generally feel stabby. However, I’m scared to blog about it, because if I DO stab someone, the evidence of my stabby mood will be all over my blog.
Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy´s last blog ..Hypothetically speaking, of course…
You’re fucking nuts, but I think I love you anyway! So has Victor died of tetanus yet?
Chibbsy´s last blog ..I can’t believe you just called me lame!
Tell Victor I hope they don’t have to amputate his leg too–that IS what usually happens when you get stabbed with a fishing gaff but you never know. But if they do, it won’t be so bad–he’ll have the three-legged cat to hang out with. And cats don’t have to be taken for walks or anything so that won’t be an issue for him. He might have to have them alter those suit pants when he takes them to the cleaner though. Tell him I really hope his car doesn’t have a manual transmission. If he does tell him I had knee surgery once and I worked the clutch with a crutch and that was sort of OK for short trips. Well, to be absolutely truthful it really sucked and it’s a fucking miracle I didn’t kill myself in a bad car accident.
Bic´s last blog ..VERY Smart Bird
Oh yeah, and can I link you in my blogroll?
Chibbsy´s last blog ..I can’t believe you just called me lame!
Of course! You don’t even have to ask.
I have Penicillin growing in MY fridge.
aunt becky´s last blog ..I Should Win Bonus!!! Points!!! For Properly Identifying The Movie
Get some extra cats, in case Victor gets lockjaw.
Susan (Trout Towers)´s last blog ..things that seem to be true
F’n hilarious
Coincidences suck. Always pointing fingers.
Kathi D´s last blog ..Hi-ho! Hi-ho! A-camping we will go
Fighting WITH cats and dogs– totally love it~!
Jennifer´s last blog ..The Story of Us (Part 1)
You are an inspiration. I’ll have to use that on my roommate.
Kaylynn´s last blog ..The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
My husband is going to hate you for this post because I’m going to make his like a Post-it living hell!!!
Sarah´s last blog ..When did my baby start growing up?
one time chuck wrote the first letter of the dog’s name on the dog. maybe he was trying to start a fight. he tries to cut down on our post-it note usage. he’s all environmental like that.
mylittlebecky´s last blog ..weeeeeeeeeeeeee! (tmit)
You are f-ing hilarious!!!
Whitney Sherrill´s last blog ..Personal Loans With No Bank Account Required
ps did you know violins have something called eff holes, in their bellies? true story.
mylittlebecky´s last blog ..weeeeeeeeeeeeee! (tmit)
Dear Blogess – Reading your blog makes me hate my life less.
Thanks for blogs about amputated cat legs and stabbing. That stuff cracks me up.
Jacqueline´s last blog ..Take it from the top
OMG, I am just dying here. Too damned funny and it’s even more amusing because my hubby’s name is Victor too.
Kristin´s last blog ..The Stroke of Brilliance completed…
Is there a correlation between men leaving wet towels on the floor and the fact they can’t close their dresser drawers all the way. Just asking . . .
Meryl´s last blog ..Week 10 080909
I don’t understand. If the fish is the one who made the gaffe, why did Victor end up getting stabbed? Or did I misunderstand? I’m distracted. It’s hard to play Lego Batman Wii and read your blog at the same time.
Stephanie Smirnov´s last blog ..Dipping My Toe in the (Life)Stream
I don’t get it.
idealfool´s last blog ..Gorgeous and tastilishious candy cupcakes from the master…
You should have kept the amputated cat leg. In case Victor’s infection gets worse and he needs a transplant.
wow, it’s like you jumped into my head through some weird ‘hating husband club’ portal.
traci´s last blog ..My Soul Bearing Credo
I made my husband listen while I read this. He wasn’t happy about it but I assured him it had a point. At the end, Mr. Guilty Himself asked me “So what’s your point?” There is no help for the brain dead so best to get over it. You are such a scream!
Liz C.´s last blog ..I Need Your Help…. And It Doesn’t Involve Money, Okay?
By the way, I added you to my blogroll ages ago & wasn’t polite enough to ask. Get over it. It’s the way I roll…
Liz C.´s last blog ..I Need Your Help…. And It Doesn’t Involve Money, Okay?
I would just like to point out to momranscreaming that you can totally write notes on a black dog with a white-out pen. I have two black dogs. Well, I used to have two black dogs. Now I have two black dogs covered in white-out.
JessyNana´s last blog ..First Project
Can I put you in my will?
Marinka´s last blog ..I Get It
Victor is so lucky to have you.
I know, right?!
Wait. Are you being sarcastic?
Not at all!
Alex´s last blog ..This weekend
I only wish I could handle household problems as easily as you.
P.S. You are hysterical…I know you’re humble and won’t admit it, but you are.
Alex´s last blog ..This weekend
This should be a lesson to all men everywhere. Leave your shit on the floor and SOMEONE will stab you.
Ashlee ´s last blog ..Mommy’s a nutjob….
You two are my favorite passive-aggressive couple.
Liv´s last blog ..Are you dead or are you sleeping?
Holy shit you’re hysterical. Usually, when people ask “How are you?” I reply with a standard “Fine. How about you” because nobody really cares anyway, it’s just obligatory. But, NOW I’m totally going to respond with “I feel stabby today. How about you?” It’s so much more personal and thought out and not obligatory in any way. Thank you Jenny, thank you. You enrich my life.
Jenny Rebecca´s last blog ..The Obligatory "Who I Am" Post
can you provide this in an uploadable form designed to look similar to post it notes and towels and cats and dogs … while leaving the spouse name and first offense as a fill-in-the-blank … so that we can all use this at our discretion? because i SO need to give this to my husband for reasons other than wet towels…
jen´s last blog ..i {heart} faces … at the beach …
I stepped on a wet towel while loading the washing machine today. It was totally rank and soured.
I hung it up on his towel rack so it would dry nicely and he wouldn’t realize it until he dried off with it in the morning.
amo´s last blog ..A pause.
This is one of the most beautiful love stories, ever. If anyone ever stapled my picture onto a cat to show how much they cared…I mean…>sob<
Brutalism´s last blog ..A Woman’s Prerogative
Love. It.
Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Month 3 Day 10
I like the fact that we as a collective are going to kill your husband …. brutal and swif…..It makes me think we are going to choke him him with Wet Swiffer Pads. Slowly. Which I honestly couldn’t think of a more horrible torture, because they really don’t do shit for cleaning my floors.
Kerrie´s last blog ..Because At Age 5 – Brilliance and Plagiarism Are Interchangeable
Wait, is Victor ok? I ask partially because my husband is also named Victor and somehow I associate the two of them. So, I hope he’s ok and also that you got him to stop leaving towels on the floor.
He’s fine but apparently the whole stabbing thing made him feverish because he’s insisting that I’m the one who leaves wet towels on the floor. Delirious, I think.
Ironing? He expects you to iron? A bad character trait in a husband. Fortunately, no one I’ve ever married has believed that ironing is the path to anything.
annie´s last blog ..A Sunday at the Movies
God, all this from a wet towel? You are my writing/blogging guru.
Fo real now.
the Constantly Dramatic One´s last blog ..Fool me once…shame on you
If you ever do actually have to stab him, all you have to do is show this blog to the jury. They’ll totally acquit.
ZenMom´s last blog ..Kid Logic: On girls
Today was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, and then I read your blog (for the first time) and I feel much better – of course, it probably doesn’t hurt that I also had 2 glasses of wine (and very low tolerance), but really thanks for making me laugh.
After using my mother’s iron that I totally ripped off when I left home in 1805, I went to BB&B to get a new one that wasn’t scorched on the bottom. I’ve never used it because I forgot I never ironed clothes.
Also, it may have something to do with the day I ironed my THIGH when I was 15.
Oh. My. God!! Am laughing and crying so hard right now!
Also, you must use the super large, extra industrial sized post-it notes at your house! And, poor kitty!
Kevin´s last blog ..A Month of Travel, Part 3
I get stuck cleaning all the cat vomit too! Sure, she’s my cat, but when his bird was alive, I always cleaned her poop up too! I’m being used.
Fairly Odd Mother´s last blog ..Summer Stock Sunday
Wet towels on the floor are grounds for poisoning. I’m just saying.
I will bet he broke the man code and cleaned the fridge to get rid of the poison…
flutter´s last blog ..I’ve been conspicuously absent lately
All I can say is thank God men have dicks, or why would we women even need them? Wait, there ARE toys for that purpose…….
HHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHHA!!!!
Good One, JL.
Victor is one
poor unfortunate wretchlucky guy.Hell, he’s lucky just to be alive.
I hope he appreciates life.
Since it’s so obviously tenuous.
This was so funny. I am not sure why my hubby was not laughing…
OMG! Hysterical. I was cracking up and my husband finally asked what was so funny. I wouldn’t tell him because he wouldn’t find it funny because he leaves towels on the floor and pizza boxes on the counter and then he’d look at me like I was insane and then I might be forced to stab him or poison something in the fridge . . .
Cheryl´s last blog ..Acknowledge and Move On
I want to know where to find those giant-ass post-it’s you use. I can never get through a good rant all on one, and I have to keep putting page numbers and —continued— at the bottom. They’d be more effective if I could fit it all on one. Oh, and I have a black cat so I can’t use her.
By the way, you’ve been on my blogroll for months, and I didn’t tell you because I thought you’d think I was sucking up.
Barbara´s last blog ..The Humanity!
Glad Victor is doing ok t. I so totally think it was you that stabbed him… you stabbed me over and over well twice, alright maybe just once if you want to be so technical. Anyhow, my hubby use to leave his undies on bathroom floor until he had no underwear left to wear, could not find any undies to wash, and had to be to work in 30 minutes. I told him things that are left on the floor get thrown out – made my point and he never forgot going to work comando that night! Please stop stabbing me from here on in I would appreciate that.
Melissa´s last blog ..Need A New Car? Want a New Home?
“I’ve poisoned something in the fridge. Good luck with that.” HAHAHAHA! I’m stealing that shit…
Harna´s last blog ..Hey, Look Mom! A Boob!
This is exactly what Dr. Phil is referring to when he says that people need to go on medication to stop the voices in their heads. Oh wait, no, I meant this is what he’s referring to when he talks about communication. Actually, I don’t think he ever mentioned writing on a cat. Guess he doesn’t know as much as he thinks he does, huh?
Dingo´s last blog ..Dingo’s Gambit
Subject Line” Aristotle liked it in the butt
Bulk:
You must read The Bloggess (link). Cuz it’s fucking hilarious, that’s why.
PS. I cannot confirm or deny that Aristotle liked it in the butt. I just wrote that to get your attention. It is probable that he liked little boys though. That’s how those Greeks rolled. Know what I’m sayin’?
Bwahahaha.
Asked my hubby to “wash the towels” on the weekend while I was at a workshop. He washed his towel and left my towel, the kid’s towels and the hand towels where they were.
Amanda´s last blog ..Damn Nestle and the horse they rode in on
I don’t have a cat. But I have Emos. When they are laying around all lethargic and emoesque I am totally gunna write a note to my husband on them.
Or the lyrics to Helter Skelter.
I haven’t decided yet.
Ooh hoo, I’ve totally found a new purpose for Husband’s cat!
Here, kitty kitty…
Chloe´s last blog ..Take Me Home, Country Road….
This is why you should get a boa constrictor. Think of what a rant you could write on one of those!
Plus, if you starve it for a few weeks, it’s likely to slowly squeeze the life out of Victor while he reads your message, ensuring 1) he’s a captive audience; 2) you’re the last person on his mind; and 3) he’ll learn to never cross you again.
LiteralDan´s last blog ..Spreading the joy
dear lord that was the funniest thing since sliced bread. come to think of it, sliced bread isn’t all that funny but you are.
I am totally doing a track back of this with my post (which I already wrote, so I know how it turns out, but it’s not posting till 6 am Houston~ish time so it looks like I got up this morning instead of never going to bed) because your arguments with your husband are way funnier than the argument with my husband that I wrote about… Good thing it isn’t 6 am yet, I still have time to go back and
Lie my ass offrevise my post… thank goodness.Do you think you might want to get Victor the number to a shelter or something? You know, just for the day when he wakes up to find a post it note stuck to his face that says “I stabbed you last night.” It’s for his own good.
Aren’t we all missing the poor cat’s cry for help that’s getting lost in all this talk of stabbery? A cat that huge who is throwing up all the time might be a victim of Kitty Bulimia? Maybe Jenny’s not the only one who’s upset over all the wet towels being left around, and just maybe that furry little someone is trying to get some attention through a vicious cycle of binge eating and purging?
Hilarious…! I cant stop laughing even after an hour after reading the post.. so I thought of leaving this comment. I am wondering what Victor’s face and expression would have been after reading this.
Love the ” Dear Victor: I’ve poisoned something in the fridge. Good luck with that.” pretty much just spit my coffee down the front of me. I’ll pass it off as my new perfume. Thanks for the laughs bloggess
Meow!
Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..The Ugly Truth
Have you considered a move into the relationship counselling arena? You have so much to teach us…
Wet towels are harder to write on than cats – but wet cats are harder to write on than wet towels – it’s a difficult contest. Like rock, paper, scissors, but wet towels, cats, wet cats.
JL´s last blog ..This is why I’m a freelance writer
I’m totally going to start leaving helpful tips on post-its for Hubby around the house. It seems to work well for you.
Jules´s last blog ..Name that Mantra
I’ve got a couple post-it note ideas for my boyfriend (yeah, we “live in sin,” so what?)…..
Dear Jack: The next time I go to do laundry and discover your stank-ass, mildewed clothes still in the washing machine from when you “did laundry” the week prior, I am going to throw them out into the alley for the rats and bums. Thank you kindly.
Dear Jack: The ice trays do not fill themselves, you know.
MJ´s last blog ..My own skin
Fucking hysterical. I almost peed. And, along with everyone else, I’m loving the “I feel stabby”. Just used the line myself. Boy called and asked how I was, I told him “I feel stabby”, and his reply was “I was going to tell you I had to work late….but I’m going to get out of that now. For my safety.” Fantastic, thanks Jenny!
js´s last blog ..Exhausted
My husband also shows a complete lack of respect for our towels, or at least me since I’m the laundry person in the house. He has also on occasion referred to the dryer as my ‘dresser’ or my ‘iron’ depending on the job its doing at the time. I just tell him to shut up because I don’t think you can critique a chore if you refuse to ever do it yourself. Also, he completely ruined a (good) pair of jeans last week by getting bitten by a shark that he happened to catch during shark week. Which he’s of course very proud of; he’s an idiot like that. So yours got stabbed by a fishing gaff, mine bitten by a 10’ shark and neither knows or at least seems to care that wet towels produce disease causing mold. The similarities are eerie. We must live in a parallel universe or something. Ok not totally parallel, but it’s not perpendicular obviously… maybe somewhere in-between. See? All this talk about Victor has me on a tangent about vectors and I hate math.
karen @agentninety9´s last blog ..Friday Fill-ins
I’m investing in post-it notes because I can foresee their stock going through the roof!!
M´s last blog ..Personalized Decadence
Oh my lord I needed that laugh. Thank you for allowing me to show my husband what goes on in my head (we are out of Post-its too). I want an ‘I feel stabby!’ t-shirt too!
Dara´s last blog ..Father’s Day
Can a borrow the post it notes about the laundry and ironing, because that ALWAYS happens here.
Wow, way too funny. You’ve really learned how to channel your neuros… psychosi… insani… inner conflict well. I’m so proud of you. *sniff*
Jeff´s last blog ..To Whom It May Concern
A. This was extremely funny. I really enjoyed the laughs.
B. I found it when TexasHolly tweeted it.
3. You may remember me from such memorable BlogHer moments, such as “You have great boobs” (at the swagless cigarette impromptu parties. Then again, maybe you don’t.
WeaselMomma´s last blog ..Wait, I Didn’t Order Room Service
was sent here by weaselmomma and found this quite funny!
ciara´s last blog ..Fatherhood Friday #18
“I am writing this on the dog because it seemed fitting.”
Where the laughing inside my head fell out of my mouth.
Robin ~ PENSIEVE´s last blog ..Wanna know a secret?
I know you didn’t really write this, Jenny, because it’s almost a zillion words long and contains not one single vagina.
Jim Thompson´s last blog ..Life is short. Take pictures.
Wet towels on the floor and empty pizza boxes left out – stabworthy.
Karma in the form of a fishing gaff in the thigh – priceless.
Sue
http:www.lifeasaworkathomeinternetmogul.com
Sue´s last blog ..Probably My Only Post About Football
so, how exactly are you going to get the royalties from all those “I Feel Stabby” t-shirts that are going to be running around? And if I say “I feel stabby” to someone do I need to mail you a dollar? Cuz if that is the case then I think I am just going to have to say “I fell stubby” because I don’t have a lot of extra cash laying around. Also, I hate to buy stamps.
haha omg i did get stabbed in the thigh. by my sister. with a butcher knife. maniac is right.
I am going to have to owe you a dollar, I feel a bit stabby because I forgot to actually put my name on that comment. And I like to take credit for my shit. Also, if you start receiving mail with my name on it you might want to open it. DOLLARS!
CarrieJ´s last blog ..279 1st of Second
Thank God you found Victor.
annie heckenberger´s last blog ..
OH MY GOD! Super stabby because now the comment I left that I forgot my name on isn’t there, so now I just look like a damn douche.
Anyways, it said something about making royalties from the t-shirts, and should I send you a dollar each time I say “I feel stabby” ? I am kinda broke so I am just going to change it to “I feel stubby” which is in many ways even funnier. Although the first comment was worded better, but no one will ever know.
CarrieJ´s last blog ..279 1st of Second
I love you… and not in a adult cinematic girl-loving-girl kind of way. I’m sorry if you were hoping for something more than platonic love but I just don’t feel comfortable committing myself to a relationship where I cannot leave towels on the floor.
Sleeping Dreamer´s last blog ..Read Me Weekly
And wow, I just got really excited just now because I thought I was the 100th post. Fuck you, annie heckenberger. And I’m sorry, annie, I didn’t mean that. But you crushed my dreams of being the 100th poster, you stole my thunder and now I’ll live in blogger’s shame, I hope you feel bad now.
Sleeping Dreamer´s last blog ..Read Me Weekly Talking About Things Like Losing My Virginity in a Ford Fiesta
okay…you are hilarious!
So… am I to understand you have a spare cat leg? What do you want for it? And it’s not like I have to have it so try to be fair about it. I mean, it has writing on it AND staple holes, so it’s not like it’s new. I’ll probably have to get it painted, get the knee checked out (cats have knees, right?) See? I don’t even know anything about them and experts cost money. I think you should just give it to me considering all the trouble I’m going to have to go through. If you think about it, you should be paying me.
MayoPie´s last blog ..Real men must smell like urine
You need a show. That is all.
Akilah Sakai´s last blog ..Question My Gut – You Get Eaten
oh I’m still laughing and sharing of course.
Kyooty´s last blog ..Time to ask my Readers
Better than an orgasm, Jenny.
Cat´s last blog ..Placebo, Placentia
I, for one, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE brutal and swif reckonings. Which I imagine involve some sort of shortened swiffer device and possibly NWK (paralegal).
You know, I tried to write a witty comment, but I seriously can’t write anything that even comes close to that post. Except that my new phrase will be “I feel stabby” so thank you for that.
Andi´s last blog ..High Fives All Around
” (turn cat over for rest) “—-It’s shit like this that makes me appreciate just how brilliant you are.
Also thanks for making me laugh so hard I almost pee’d my pants and also it’s seriously all your fault all the middle-aged men are coming at me hands extended like a bunch of zombies because I can’t stop snorting and laughing LOUDLY.
No- you cannot have my brain. Bad Zombies.
Zoe Right´s last blog ..Musings and other stuff
So leaving towels on the floor was worth stabbing him over, but writing terrible things about me on the hall was an easily forgivable offense? I’m feeling a bit stabby now too.
Oh, girl! I was having a terrible day and trying to write my husband’s english papaers on women in american history which just suck and the papers ARE NOT coming along smoothly and they are due by the 24th. And, this is how I’ve been feeling towards my husband because he’s making me write these damn papers AND he leaves his towel on the floor. And I’m like, sick of it. But I read this and it made me feel a tiny bit better. Thank you.
Gabrielle Valentine´s last blog ..These four foot long exotic bats just changed me forever, man. Made me feel way small and insignificant.
When I was a kid my mom and I tied a note to our cat that said “We’re staying in bed today, please send food.” and like an hour later he came back with a note that said “Lazy asses” and my Grandma totally brought us lunch. True story. I’m just letting you know your method is sound.
EdenSky´s last blog ..Lil Rainbow Rides Again!
You are like the McGyver of the blogging world, making the cutest home crafts with prescription bottles and a rubber hose (or is that Nancy), and using live animals to deliver volatile messages to hostile parties when the rest of us wooses would simply text from another state, because I tried writing on a cat (my neighbor’s because the Department of Social Services said we can’t have a cat) and couldn’t manage it even though I tried subduing the cat in a sopping wet towel but ended up leaving both the limp cat and the sopping wet towel on my neighbor’s porch. Please don’t worry about giving your impressionable copycat readers ideas that will get them in trouble with the law, though, because I was totally going to sign your name to said cat note.
PracticalParalegalism´s last blog ..Why Paralegals Tweet Tweet Tweet
I am suspicious, I have never heard of a fishing gaffe, so I think that you made it up and stabbed Victor with the cat leg, which is why he got tetnus. Of course I do not fish, but who ever heard of stabbing fish, don’t you usually just use dynamite for that?
mountainmomma18´s last blog ..Deep thoughts, without Jack Handy because that guy owes me money.
You sound like Britney Spears in your interview. And I only mean that in a good way because I love Britney Spears. Also, that guy was awkward and weird, and I don’t like that he called your social anxiety disorder a disease. But I think he felt bad for saying that after because then he was all, “I’m fat.”
And that was weird too.
sabrina´s last blog ..The Journey Within: Part 2
Here from Music Savvy Mom and you have awesome taste in tunes. I’d like also suggest that you run right now to Cafe Press and get a lock on the I Feel Stabby T-Shirt and coffee mug market. I’d order 2. That ain’t a joke. Casual Fridays have never sounded so good. Plus I like the idea of sending my kid to high school wearing one. Test out their first responce system and all that jazz.
Starrlight´s last blog ..Jesus Doesn’t Want Me For A Sunbeam
I’m surprised that you didn’t put the message on the cat’s claws using micro-writing. That way, when Victor got real close so he could read the message, the cat would simply scratch his eyes out. Also, you could put a longer message on the same amount of cat.
Just something to keep in mind for the next time.
~EdT.
EdT.´s last blog ..Watching You, Watching Me…
You make me happy.
Holy Moses, you crack me up : ) Even though you don’t know me, you’re my BFF. I’m having best friend bracelets made for us. And man, the conversations we have in my living are a hoot. Remember what you said yesterday while we were making handmade crossbows so the homeless kids can have something to play with? It was one of your wittiest remarks to date. And as your BFF I feel I can say this and it not ruin our friendship, I am totally pissed that you took my phrase about feeling stabby and used it as your own. Yes, I know that I actually said ‘I feel crabby’ and you thought I said stabby so I didn’t technically come up with ‘I feel stabby,’ but it’s the principle of the matter. Anyway, I did some thinking, and I forgive you. But you should know that you hurt me, and I expect an apology when you come over to watch blind midget/deaf sabertooth porn this evening.
Sarah´s last blog ..Just stupid shit today. Don’t even bother unless you’re really bored.
Hardball, huh? Ok. I can play that way, too. Obviously I showed my hand a little early and let you know exactly how interested I was in the leg. And considering my subtlety, I’m impressed with your negotiating skills. Let’s get to it then. I’ll give you some string, a one-eyed barbie doll and a barely used grill brush, but I want the pizza box, too. The invisible one. You can send the leg in that and we’ll freak out every postal worker between Texas in Atlanta. You should do it for that reason alone. Let me know.
MayoPie´s last blog ..Real men must smell like urine
You’re so funny you make me snort – it’s so annoying it makes my husband stabby. I’ll be sure to write him a Post-it note to remind him that he could go to jail for stabbing a snorting wife, but if does end up in jail, not to bend over in the showers. Thanks for making my day/week/month (I don’t have much to live for, so you’re it – no pressure though!).
slacker-chick´s last blog ..Feelin’ the Love and Vampires Rock
Huh. And all this time I thought my husband did these things because he was from India. Guess I am just your garden variety racist.
cagey´s last blog ..School Daze
You are a wonderful writer. I laughed out loud pretty much all the way through it (with tears!). Victor, the cat and the dog are very lucky you are in their lives. Thank you.
truestarr´s last blog ..Old Joke
‘The fuck, Victor?”
Ha.
I need to copy some of these because really, it’s like your talking to MY husband. I feel stabby too.
The Laundress´s last blog ..Free Wheelin’
ohfuckinghell, woman. How do you always manage to make me laugh OUT THE LOUD. (I like to randomly toss in “THE” to things. Like how we call it “The Funny” and “The Cat Puke” and “Dear Mr. Flinger, The Sex is The Missing.”)
YOU WILL MISS ME SO MUCH ONCE I’M SOBER ENOUGH TO WAKE UP AND DRIVE AWAY.
Fuck. Yes.
Mrs. Flinger´s last blog ..Hidden (or not so much) messages of Motherhood
P.S. “The fuck Victor”
You do it, too. See?
Mrs. Flinger´s last blog ..Hidden (or not so much) messages of Motherhood
OK. I DID NOT know the cup of water in the dryer trick. That is sheer genius Ms. Martha Stewart wannabe! He felt stabby? You are TOO MUCH! LOL!!
Shoegirl´s last blog ..Pain is NOT my Friend
and now I have “maniac” stuck in my head, thanks for that.
Deidre´s last blog ..I should be dead; and that’s not really being overdramtic.
I will be implementing the post-it note method in my house so that I don’t have to kill my husband. Will this be included in your book on how to have a successful marriage?
Lauren´s last blog ..This ain’t no ordinary wet tee shirt contest.
I never realized that Gandhi felt stabby. I can relate to him on such a closer more personal level now. How did you know to write this yesterday, because I am a lazy ass and would not read it until today, when I woke up feeling ALL STABBY? Your genius amazes me (crap I had to look up how to spell genius, what does that say about me?).
My husband just asked me why I was crying.. As I was trying to tell him I was just reading your blog and laughing so hard I was crying, I feel off my computer chair. Now I have to pretend that someone died and I was overwhelmed and that is why i feel off the chair.
Amy (aka TheMom)´s last blog ..20 years, really?
If I send you some post it’s will you promise to only communicate with Victor in that manner. It’d be funny. Or wait maybe it would be annoying after a while. I don’t know but could you just give it a try. For your readers ?
WM´s last blog ..The next time I complain about my kids…stick this in my face
I learned my little brother how to keep his towels off the floor by picking it up and popping his little 10-year-old scrotum. POP! Instant sterility.
muskrat´s last blog ..a glimpse into the life of a dark, slapshotting deity
If the cat is as big as you say, cleaning it must be a chore. +1 to Victor.
YOU WILL MISS ME SO MUCH ONCE I’M SOBER ENOUGH TO WAKE UP AND DRIVE AWAY.
I am ending every future relationship I ever have with this line.
That was pretty much the most hilarious thing I’ve ever read. I read it out loud to my sister because I was laughing so hard and she wanted to know what I was reading. Also, I think you just gained another reader because she asked me to send you her blog.
Stephanie´s last blog ..That Other Website
Oh my God, I actually teared up because I wasn’t able to laugh out as loud as I would have loved to done because it’s like quarter after 3 a.m. here in Germany, but… this entry tops everything. I just hope that the rest of your blog is just half as funny as this one! *wipes tears from eyes*
Man, I could write a novel on my fat cat. Instead I choose to use snide remarks and sarcasm. More earthy friendly.
Dani´s last blog ..Then the Rabbit Stole My Sunshine!
Um, you’re pretty much awesome.
Midwest Mommy´s last blog ..How did the turtle cross the road?
Great Post
Hope you are having a great Tuesday!
with love.
JR
OK – see what happens when Victor really gets stabbed? Nobody believed you, right? Cuz you always talk about stabbing him, and it’s like crying ‘wolf’ cept you say ‘I stabbed Victor’, then he got stabbed and no one believed you.
Oh, and men are physically and mentally incapable of folding. That’s why towels end up on the floor, because they are freekin idiots.
I love me a good Victor post. What a nice way to end my night…. Gracias.
tracey´s last blog ..Like Miralax for the Mind
If you teach the dog to eat the wet towels then you don’t have to worry about them laying around on the floor and no one feels stabby, unless you are a fishing gaff with bad aim. Thigh? Please. Amateur.
Condo Blues´s last blog ..I Partied with a Giant Potato at BlogHer 09
I just love you, Bloggess.
This is awesome. I’m sitting reading it in my office at uni trying not to laugh out loud too hard and make ht eother thesis students look at me like I am crazy.
tesni´s last blog ..The plight of the abandoned thesis
LOL!!
That’s hilarious!!!
[[[ X SMILEY X ]]]´s last blog ..10/08/09
I feel it would be appropriate if Victor had his own blog. I feel there would be insights we all could learn from his version of events.
There’s still a lotta love there! Keep it up! lmao
shabel´s last blog ..And I Will Always Recall the City…
hahahahaha. i’m not much of a commenter but holy shit, this is FUNNY. like laugh out loud, spit out your dry shredded wheat cereal funny. thanks.
beanski´s last blog ..the poor man’s family photo
“I mean, who stabs someone in the thigh?”
Someone who’s not very good at using a fishing gaff and misses the crotch deliberately.
The Ruling Numerator´s last blog ..A peek into my inner sanctums after a week of blogging
I’ve been reading you for about six months now, and this entry is, far and away, your absolute best.
The stuff you write about your husband always has me on the floor.
So I was actually going to steal some post-its from work today as I’ve run out at home, but because of you I’ve realized that just isn’t necessary. I have a white dog and a black sharpie.
Jen´s last blog ..The way life should be
You have inspired me to purchase Post-Its next time I go to the store.
And write “I Feel Stabby” on some… underwear… and wear them to bed when Dude is in the mood & I’m not.
Wonderful.
Mandi´s last blog ..Sickly Mommy
For a minute I was going to stop reading this post because I was laughing hard enough to draw unwanted attention in the work place. But lucky for the both of us, I don’t have very good self-control.
Now, maybe this is more suited to Ask the Bloggess… but I need to know… when you said “left leg” does this mean your cat is missing a leg? Or does this mean his other left appendage has another name? Is it an arm? Do cats have arms? I need answers.
Mermanda´s last blog ..Important update (about poop)
That reminds me, I must stock up on post-its. Or cats. Whatever.
Mr Farty´s last blog ..Twitterfail
best blog of the week. thanks for making me laugh.
Chantry´s last blog ..Bargain Books…
Okay so my boyfriend is like Victor in that he leaves shit all over the floor all the time for me to pick up (that’s kind of where it stops,) and then makes fun of the noises I make while I’m picking said shit up, and I told him I was going to punch him in the throat if he didn’t knock it off (as opposed to poisoning him, which is WAY SMARTER.) I make noises because I’m like 25 weeks pregnant and all of my organs are wedge into my ribcage, and I guess there’s not much breathing going on because when I have to bend over too far, I sort of grunt and fart at the same time. See. Air is going OUT, not in. And he thinks this is funny, and mocks my gas as I’m sort of slipping into unconsciousness. So there will be a day of poison-and-cat-stapling-like throat-punching reckoning in our near future, but maybe after the baby’s born because I’m going to need someone else to pick shit up until then, and he’s handy. Can I blame you like you’re the real Slim Shady when the fuzz busts me, because you’re kind of inspiring?
Amanda´s last blog ..Wonderland.
This is my very favorite post you have ever written. EVER. It should be a one-act play. I’m not even joking. It would be totally awesome — especially if you can find a cat actor willing to have a photo stapled to its leg night after night.
MommyTime´s last blog ..Easiest Zucchini Bread Ever
Did anyone ask if at the time of the stabbing Victor was using Squid as bait?
Cedarflame´s last blog ..Checking In
I fucking <3 you!!! That was hilarious…
Must get post-its now….
Also: Let me know if the cat gets fatter now that he won't be able to move around as much from the missing leg- I have a really fat cat too, and the vet told me to get him to lose weight, but he's really bitchy since we put him on a diet, I figure it would be easier to just cut off one of his legs. And can you cut the leg off yourself, or does the vet have to do it for you?
~c~
PottyMouth Mommy´s last blog ..Clomid: The co-dependant, abusive relationship
Great! Now I can’t stop thinking about Gandhi!
And Hummus.
I FINALLY got Nick to sit and listen to this post while I read it out loud to him and he just shook his head said, “I don’t know Victor, but I get what he goes through.” I don’t know what he meant by that. I think he means that you’re awesome.
emvandee´s last blog ..The best tomato sauce you’ve ever tasted. For real. I’m not even exaggerating. Yes!
If you had left a helpful post-it note on the gaff I bet Victor wouldn’t have gotten stabbed. See? He needs you ALL THE TIME. And it’s a good thing you thought to write on all the dishtowels because when he got stabbed he had them to staunch the blood flow. Because of course he would carry them with him always as a love memento, or a reminder to buy Prozac.
ajnabi´s last blog ..Anand, or, Sweetest Movie EVER. No, I’m Serious.
I honest to God spit out my Dr Pepper as I was reading this.
Which means only one thing.. This was the BEST, most hysterical, hilarious post I have ever read in my entire whole life! I just stumbled across your blog today and pretty much fell madly in love with it. ( In a completely platonic blog-affair way of course )
I am now a huge fan. I tried to look at your sex column. Turns out my boss is an Asshole. But this I can read and read I will.
Hopefully you can accept a compliment better than Victor can accept an apology..* drum roll * You are a true talent and a muse for young writers such as myself.
http://www.therantsofrian.blogspot.com´s last blog ..When a Dog bites.. When a Bee stings
Ohhh boy…..Do i love the post it idea or what? I used to use them for love notes long long ago, but since then post its have always been used for making lists in my house, now I know how to annoy my husband:-) hahah I am gonna have a freaky time with post its. Love the basic finger etiquette part, i have a pretty vivid imagination just like the cartoon characters and I can totally imagine that post it.
Good to know that your husband is doing ok.
So, what do you do when Victor leaves his socks on the floor? I know he leaves his socks on the floor because my husband leaves wet towels on the floor AND socks on the floor. These personality traits are one and the same. You can’t have one without the other. Same reaction or do we ACTUALLY STAB when it’s socks? Please let me know. Knife poised mid-air in anticipation…
Mommica´s last blog ..Weekend List: The options
LOL! Jenny you are incredibly hilarious. How do you think up this stuff?! Love it!!!
Victor and my Fluffy Bear need to start an online support group. They can talk about the Passive-Agressive Honey Do List
http://www.ittybittycrazy.com/imported-data/2009/6/8/stuff-female-people-like.html
Ittybittycrazy´s last blog ..That’s life – Old lady
Honey, you TOTALLY know you cannot stab your husband, well not enough to kill him. You will lose half of your material if Victor dies.
I love you and you make me shoot vodka out of my nose. Which totally sucks, and burns, but I don’t care. Yes, you are just THAT good.
T.
Tina@SendChocolate´s last blog ..I’ve Never Done This Before, What Will People Think? – PR Spotlight
Thanks for the tip about redrying clothes with a cup of water. I always just smoothed them out and folded them and smoothed them again and hoped that most of the wrinkles would kind of get smashed out when I put the stuff away. And that no one would point and laugh at my family.
Shander´s last blog ..Thank you, Masked Librarian
Did Victor get stabbed to lose weight like your kitty?
So when you say Victor was stabbed by a guy named Bill, you mean Bill Shatner, who not only took the time to seek out and block you, but also stabbed your husband with a fishing gaff. WTF Shatner indeed.
Kristina´s last blog ..Photo
(This is Jenny -thebloggess- commenting in a comment because I can’t figure out how to comment properly on my own blog. No, it was actually another guy named Bill who stabbed Victor but it’s an interesting coincidence that is probably a sign from God or something.)
you have inspired a new series on my blog – Post-its of Wrath.
See the first one here http://www.ittybittycrazy.com/imported-data/2009/8/14/post-its-of-wrath-three-days.html
Ittybittycrazy´s last blog ..Post-its of wrath – Scifi PC
I”m again laughing so hard there are tears. My kids think I am insane, and my 5 year old daughter keeps begging me to read it to her. I promised I would, in 20 years.
This is damn hilarious. I threaten to stab my husband all the time, too.
Carly´s last blog ..Interested in learning how to hiiiiiiii-ya?
Gawd, could you please number these for easier future reference?? I’m begging you.
I never cry when laughing, but yet you bring tears to my eyes with every post! Personally, I would have put the wet towel on the pile of dry cleaning and stuffed it in his trunk with a dead fish hidden all up in there so when it started to stink and he had no idea where it came from you could just sit back and be snarky, but that’s just me.
I think the dog only peed on you because he was laughing so hard. Clearly if there were a nobel prize for literature concerning the war between the sexes you’d get my vote.
Jenny,
OK, this was seriously funny. We read this after your peers nominated you for BlogHer of the Week. And we had to agree with this assessment. I did a write up that I just posted to BlogHer: http://www.blogher.com/blogher-week-bloggess. Congrats, and give my best to Victor and the cat.
Jory
for, Elisa, Jory, and Lisa
BlogHer Co-Founders
Jory Des Jardins´s last blog ..BlogHer of the Week: The Bloggess
This is the first time I have visited your blog, but it will certainly not be the last! You’ve got me rolling!
Amymay´s last blog ..C’mon, people… it’s the freakin’ INTERNET!!
I really need to get more creative with my post-it notes.
Katie´s last blog ..More Than Life Itself
You are a riot! This is my first visit to your blog and I’ll definitely be back!
I have NEVER leaughed so hard at a post in my life… I had tears running down my face! Enjoyed this!
Julie´s last blog ..Organized Chaos
As soon as I can see again from the tears in my eyes, and am able to regain my breath from laughing hysterically, I will be posting a link to this on my blog! Truly awesome.
Jean´s last blog ..Asparagus, dressed up
If Victor needs some moral support, have him e-mail me.
oh my god. there are tears in my eyes and my ribs hurt — i seriously don’t think i’ve laughed that hard in .. a long time. your post made me snort so that means i sort of love you now. i’ll be baaaaack.
oh and emmysuh always tells me how hilarious you are and this is the first time i’ve been here. shame on me! she so smrt, you’re funny as heck! hot dang!
jordan´s last blog ..Autumn is in the air.