Time for the weekly wrap-up. It’s…kind of depressing. Mostly because I’ve been really sick, had a rheumatiod arthritis flare-up and of course that triggered a series of small anxiety attacks. In other words, I seldom left the house and I wrote a lot of bad, angsty poetry that will never see the light of day. You’re welcome.
This week on Ask the Bloggess:
- I was too sick to actually give advice so instead I asked you guys to give the advice.
- Related: You people frighten me. But in a good way.
This week on my sex column (which is satirical and relatively safe for work if your boss isn’t a total douche canoe):
This week on the internets:
- I was asked to contribute to a book about bathrooms since I’m known for spending half my life hiding from people there and it was easy enough because I have 500,000 pictures of me in bathrooms (see above) and then when I got my copy of the book I saw that I was like 10 pages away from a self-portrait of Amanda Fucking Palmer. Which is kind of kick-ass and totally makes up for the fact that I’m not actually making anything from this book and that I had to actually buy my own copy. I’m not really sure if I should be proud of this whole situation or not.
This week on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:
- Not much, really. I was still sick.
This week on shit-I-didn’t-write-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
{ 54 comments… read them below or add one }
The dress in the tub?….totally thought it was blood in the sink at first. And it reminded me of horrendous childhood nosebleeds.
Don’t you feel better, now?
Jessica´s last blog ..Courtyard Surprise
Sheesh, you get a lot done for a sickie.
juliejulie´s last blog ..My Costco, My Life
I totally coughed down my shirt today and thought of you.
My elbow thanks you.
LiLu´s last blog ..Your Weekend Dose of the Fugly, v17
Jessica, it does kind of look like afterbirth. But in a sexy way.
Bridget Callahan´s last blog ..Ask me more questions so I don’t have to wash my kitchen floor.
That really is the sexiest Alice Cullen EVER. Mrowr.
Elly Lou´s last blog ..Alien Life Forms
Hope you feel better. You like the bathroom? I like the closet, spend LOTS of my time there.
Okay, that came out wrong. Not in a I’m-really-a-lesbian-kind-of-way. I like to lock myself in my darkened closet and hide from my kids and husband. I even have a small fridge in there so I can drink. A lot.
BrilliantSulk´s last blog ..The Worst Invention Ever. Trust Me
On the bright side, that picture of your toes in the tub is lovely.
Abbey´s last blog ..Mighty Beans
I’m absolutely loving your bathroom collage. Especially the toes in the tub one. Which reminds me … I desperately need a pedicure before I go into labor. All the pregnancy books talk about how all the doctor looks at is your toes … and don’t we want to please the doctor?
LittleMissEnglishTeacher´s last blog ..What I See When I look down
Your sex column was frightening. Besides the fact that nobody wants extra semen, what kind of mutant offspring would be produced from this pill-induced excess semen? Has this stuff been regulated? Shudder.
Theresa Milstein´s last blog ..Resolute without Resolution
Love the bathroom pics.
Leigh´s last blog ..shenanigins
I’m out of wit & humor for the week, so I’ll just express my well wishes for you to feel better soon!
WildlyBland´s last blog ..Hobos For Sale
love that alice cullen interpretation.
I met you in the bathroom at BlogHer, and didn’t know that it was you! I’m kind of an idiot sometime. Maybe we’ll meet in the bathroom again at Blissdom?
Bridget´s last blog ..A little behind, as usual.
I don’t think I can afford Blissdom but I’ll be at Blogher and Mom 2.0. Also, it’s no surprise that you didn’t know it was me. That’s where all the wigs come in handy. Basically if you see a drunk girl in a bad wig hiding in the bathroom you can pretty much assume that that’s me.
I know that you have not been feeling well, so here is a comic to make you feel better, titled The Top 7 Reasons to Keep Your Tyrannosaur Off Crack Cocaine:
http://theoatmeal.com/comics/tyrannosaur_crack
Rikki´s last blog ..Propane, septic, and speeding tickets.
I could never figure out why you looked so familiar to me and then today I realized, you’re Laura Palmer aren’t you?
Because that gum you like is coming back in style.
Midwest Mommy´s last blog ..My Midwest Year
That laundry sink looks just like mine…
You look hot in bathrooms.
Deidre´s last blog ..Is there anything more smile enducing than a laughing baby?
Should have called it the weakly wrap-up (boom tish). My left foot has gout in sympathy with your arthritis. That’s quite a high level of sympathy for a man.
Jenny, are you going to BlogHer in NY this summer? I’ve been trying to decide whether or not to go. I’ve only attended writer conferences, and I’m not sure if I have enough of a blogging presence (or they right type of blog) to attend. In fact, I just blogged about that today.
Theresa Milstein´s last blog ..Resolute without Resolution
Barring any catastrophes I’ll be at Blogher. You should be there too.
but now I have a strange desire to write all over myself in permanent texta.
omchelsea´s last blog ..Because it’s holidays.
I almost got excited when I saw two chicks running a train on your friend in the bathroom! Nice!….
But then I figured, hmmm…maybe they’re just checking her for lumps…
or helping your friend pop/cover up a zit with makeup…
or helping her cover up a hickey that she got in the bathroom from some random guy while having a 10th anniversary dinner with her husband who always finds a way to brush up against Jenny’s loins but pretends like he doesnt know he’s doing it…jerk!!!
BlackBird´s last blog ..Burn Slowly in the Rotten Pits of Hell…
You had to buy the copy of the book that you contributed to? That’s f’d up. I got an autographed copy of the hardcover and since I was asked to help with the appendix of the paperback, the author is giving me “copies” – more than one – of that when it comes out in the spring. But the author’s a friend. Maybe that makes a difference?
I would have given you a free copy, but that’s just me.
annie´s last blog ..Top Tenning and Decade Reviews
The semen article had me rolling. And Beautiful Kind’s comments about rainbows was awesome. O for Awesome.
Amy´s last blog ..New Year’s Award
Two things:
One: Any book about bathrooms is a winner with me. I would totally have jumped at an opportunity to write for one too.
Two: Where can I buy a Motherfuckin’ Bear-O-Dactyl? I think it would get along smashingly with my dog. Then I could have a Motherfuckin’ Husky-Bear-O-Dactyl. I also love “7 Reasons to Keep your Tyrannosaur off Crack Cocaine” from The Oatmeal.
Thanks Bloggess, “remember my tire iron! and my enchanting thong.”
Stephanie L´s last blog ..ASL
sweet! i made the bathroom montage cut! see in the mom 2.0 bathroom.
the fact that your photographic talent is riding your creative writing pinache is wildly entertaining. I happen to love all the pictures…really. I know that the majority is shits and giggles; however, you really are a great person…and I have never met ya! Thank you for your images and letting us into your bathroom when you couldn’t come out. It’s amazing that we all fit in here!
I love that I’m one of the famed Bloggess-in-the-pisser photogs. Except that if you’re not making any money off the book, then I’m not making any money off the book if I’m even the photographer of the photo used in the book. Fuck that made my head hurt. I’m just happy to have spent time with you near a urinal. Really. With neither of us puking. It was a miracle, really. Although, I’m not usually a puker. I usually wish I was puking, which is far worse, IMO.
califmom´s last blog ..2 Live Crew, Meet The Tea Ass and Coffee Burro
Truthfully. I’m too tired to actually read anything that you posted. But, I like your bathroom pics. And I hope you feel better. And if you have the cure for rampant, raging, want to stab yourself in the uterus PMS, I’ll take it. Just email it to me. K. Thanks.
The Motherfucking Pterodactyl made me all warm and happy inside.
Captain Dumbass´s last blog ..2010, It’s Going To Be A Busy Year
That Alice is HILARIOUS!!! Check out the New Moon Spoof by the same people…also hilarious. I have one for you though – best Jacob Black impression EVER – starts at 1:56 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nv4SCfEuYqg
that impression of Alice Cullen has always been my fave lol except they also have one for New Moon that you should see theres dancing..http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4dx0MwgIZos
Blogher frightens me. I heard the stories…perhaps I can run into you in a bathroom at The Olive Garden?
Mama Kat´s last blog ..Writer’s Workshop: SPEECH!!!
This is unusual topic. I think that I would try creating a post about that too. someday.
Palabuzz´s last blog ..Carmina Topacio, the new Wonder Girl
Well…no matter WHAT….to ME….you are the cat’s meow….which now that I think of it is maybe not the right term….a cat’s meow is needy…..but like when they purr it’s awesome & rock…..
In fact Fuck “The Cat’s Meow”….you are ‘The Cat’s Purr” like when they decide they like you and all snuggle on your head…..
I’m not saying you want to snuggle on my head or purr I just think that sounds better…..
Fuck don’t even listent to me…I am an International Flight attendant that has been to Honolulu, London (3xs), and now Vancouver– all since December 19th…..
I don’t know what I am tallking about….but at least this time I have an excuse………..
CHEERS & LOVE
Agent DragonFly´s last blog ..Insights into my job? & perhaps a year in review??
Being sick really stinks. I hope you will be feeling better very soon.
Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..Revenge is like fine wine…
If wearing a bad wig in a bathroom is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.
Perhaps I’ve said too much.
moooooog35´s last blog ..A Chorus, Cacaphony, Crazed Killer and Something that Looks Like Epstein
Back when I was employed by some jackass, I used to enjoy having conversations with him and then throwing in “by mistake” this phrase… “That’s the jizz of it”
The jackass would notice and say, ” Did you just say jizz?”
I’d act offended and say, “no, no GIST.”
But I really did say it. I really did.
absolutely not furiousBall´s last blog ..E Chromatic
I don’t reply here very often because you have such a huge following, but this post required a response. I too hide in the bathroom when overwhelmed or panicked. This weekend was spent with my ex-husband and his girlfriend. I had a panic attack and should have hidden in the bathroom, but I tried to hide it and pretend I was ok. I ended up crying and running from the building. Humiliating!
Hope you are feeling better…
All this collage is missing is a photo of someone wretching into the shitter…binging + purging was still cool during the original 90210 era, right?
I do feel terrible that you’re one case of eczema away from kicking the bucket, so i’ll compliment you on your lovely Frida Kahlo inspired feet photo and the fact that you kinda like Goldie Hawn (bottom left)…you know, before she got really old.
Erika from The Pastry Chef At Home´s last blog ..Last Minute Gift Guide For The Food Lover in Your Life
Yesterday was my first day back at work after ANXIETY OF DOOM for the past month or so, and I spent a good chunk of the day hiding in the bathroom, and will probably do so again today. Yay for bathrooms! (I am wondering how long I can get away with getting paid to hide, though!)
Crystal´s last blog ..In which I confess that I have the technical skills of a wombat
What a great website.
The Oatmeal rocks it’s a daily visit for me. Oh and yeah you rock too.
You only think you spend a lot of time in the bathroom because you haven’t met my girlfriend. It’s easy to forgive her though. I entered college in 1971, when the “hot chicks” were sporting the Carole King, hairy armpit look. Funny thing is, “strong ,indepent, smart, hairy women” don’t like boys or sex. I’ll take implants, make up and fingernails any day.
Well, you’ve inspired me to paint my toenails traffic-stopping red. In bed.
ellie´s last blog ..Because it’s holidays.
you are TOTALLY the first thing i look up in the morning as soon as enter the cyber-den! ever since i discovered thebloggess satellite, am like… F*** the entire Universe, this IS awesomeness redefined!
fBed you, twitted about you and and if i was not a straight one… i would pretty much swing your way… (if ever!)
catch this: Muahhh!
p.s: that does create doubts, as to, if i am a wannabe air-kissing socialite or am borderline swinger… :p
Well since you are sick or allegedly sick maybe you will finally answer my email that I have been waiting oh, I don’t know OVER four months for…do you know how much crap I could have learned, wrote, accomplished and like everything um else okay already?
alyssa´s last blog ..A Great Diet For The New Year
Hope you get well soon. Loved the guest columnist advice, it’s almost as good as yours, and that says a lot.
At the risk over-commenting, let me add that your post on sperm should have a wider audience. ALL men should read it to know what women really want. What women don’t want? MORE SPERM.
Theresa Milstein´s last blog ..Breakfast and Other Calamaties
I too spend a lot of time in the bathroom… sometimes it’s the only place I can hear myself think… and the door has a lock— very handy with 6 other people in the house bugging the crap out of me… ok I am in the bathroom right?
And I too have Rheuamtoid Arthritis that is flaring like mad this past week or 2 or 3 … which sends me into the bathroom more frequently… where I can lock the door against the crazy people in my house… God! my life is so pathetic… thanks for helping me with my self-discovery… have a nice day, I’m just gonna go to the bathroom now…
Dawn´s last blog ..Can your Brain get full? Is there a limit to how much you can learn? Ever seen some of the people at Wal-Mart.. You know, I think the answer’s YES!
Being sick sucks. Even worse for a guy because we get no sympathy. Yeah, I know….whine, whine!!
Happy New Year! Feel better.
One of The Guys´s last blog ..Being Needy
Flares suck. I have to share my secret with everyone who has rheumatism. I am on a steady diet of Mucinex due to this nasty chest cold I’ve been dealing with for two weeks. Mucinex is rumored to help some rheumatic conditions and dammit if the one I usually get around the holidays never came.
I don’t know if it’s luck or science, but I think I’m going to add Mucinex to my regular lineup of dietary supplements and drugs.
This sounds like a commercial. It’s not. Just advice from one twisted up rheumy to another.
Feel better, lady.
Happy New Year
I hope you are finally feeling better. Happy New year! Lurv the collage. AND OMG. The bathroom book? I saw the name Sarah Bettens, and I know I need to get it. I have such a crush on her. Will you be at BlogHer this year? I so want to take another picture of you hiding in the bathroom. To me, that’s the only reason I want to be there.