So my friends Jason and (his special lady) Tiffany are throwing a Houston Big Lebowski Bash on Saturday and Jason put this call out on his blog:
“Fellow Achievers, Fox news would like to do story on us and our party live in their studio. So if you have a Lebowski theme costume and would like to be on TV Tuesday afternoon contact me. Let’s show Houston that the bums haven’t lost!”
So I dressed up in my ‘post-coital Maude’ outfit, which is basically a red wig and a bed sheet held up by one strained safety pin and I walked out of my house intent on joining the horde of people dressed in viking clothes, bowling pin hats and bikinis. It was at this point that I remembered there were a dozen construction workers standing outside my house who had seen me naked just 48 hours before.
So I waved at the construction men and stuck my stomach way out to give the impression that I wasn’t just some naked whore in a bed sheet but was in fact a pregnant woman wearing a muumuu but when I got halfway to my car my sheet snagged a shrub and I frantically grabbed at it and forgot to do the stomach thing and so basically I just looked like a chick in a bed sheet failing to carry off a fake pregnancy. So, you know, so much better.
Then I pulled into the news studio parking lot I breathed a sigh of relief and it hardly even bothered me that my sheet got caught in the car door and I’d totally flashed everyone driving down the highway because I knew that within seconds I’d be surrounded by “my people” and then I walked in and saw that it was just five of us and fucking no one was wearing costumes. You know that dream where you’re naked at school and no one else is naked at school? It’s like that but replace “naked” with “wearing a bedsheet” and “at school” with “on national television”.
So basically it was me, two people in normal clothes and two people in bowling shirts who could have gone into any Starbucks in America without getting a second look. Then Jason handed me the latest copy of Barstool Magazine in which I was mentioned as “a certain bloggess whose vagina I know way too much about”. It was at that moment, reading a glossy magazine about my vagina and dressed in a bed sheet poised to go on live television, that realized I had lost control of my life. Somewhere in between becoming a sweet mommyblogger and this exact moment a series of bizarre choices had landed me in this psychotic life and I had no other choice but to run with it. Someone handed me a badge which said I needed to be escorted by an employee at all times. Clearly these people had heard about me.
They quickly ushered us into the studio which was flashy and awesome and I threw off my purse, shoes and badge because at that point those accessories were so normal they were actually making me look more bizarre. Like when you see a homeless guy wearing only a clear shower curtain but he’s carrying an attaché case and all you can think is “Why the hell would that guy need an attaché case?” and it throws you so off you hardly even notice his dangly ballsack.
The producer explained that most of the anchors of the show weren’t familiar with The Big Lebowski because they were “in their 20’s and were too young to have seen it”. So basically I’m old and socially irrelevant and wearing a bed sheet on a show about to be broadcast live over the internet. And this was the point when I decided that these anchor people would regret ever having met me.
So we all sit up on the stage and I’m in the center, looking…fucking ridiculous and coming dangerously close to showing my jubblies to everyone when Matthew mentions that during the interview he’s decided to pose as Jason’s sleazy Italian lawyer who doesn’t speak a word of English. It made no sense at all which actually made it even more brilliant at that point. Coincidentally this was also the same point when my xanax kicked in.
The show began and consisted largely of video clips of dancing sushi, doggie sex motels and kissing robots. Then we came on and Tiffany told the male host that we’d be having the Lebowski Fest “in your backdoor” and I start giggling like a 12 year old. Then I somehow got a microphone and became hypnotized by how fat I looked on the monitor and threatened to show my boobs. By the time that Jason and Matthew did their Italian-lawyer-demanding-soccer-scores bit the anchors seemed ready to kill themselves.
Our work here was done.
PS. Guess who’s number 30 on “The Twitter Hall of Shame: 50 Tweets That Will Echo in History“? (Special subcategory? “Mistakes“.) I couldn’t make this shit up, people.
PPS. Did I mention that after the news shoot I had to go directly to pick up Hailey from preschool and didn’t bring a change of clothes? Yeah. That happened.
Comment of the day: Well, if you did flash anyone, they could just say that your rug tied the room together. ~ Avitable
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I don’t even know what to say to that.
Except, you’re welcome. You know why.
Jessica’s last blog post..Houston Lebowski Bash
Your life is like a good book. The protagonist propels herself through life leaving a trail of tongue-in-cheek wtfs. Your readers, at least this one, laugh so hard they must pull themselves from the floor laughing so they can note in the margins, “That was so cool!”
Oh, and thanks for sharing.
Jessica’s last blog post..Houston Lebowski Bash
I loved that clip. Is that what’s keeping you from writing your book? Because I totally understand.
witchypoo’s last blog post..Feast or Famine
At least when your publisher asks where your book is you can just send them this post and they’ll TOTALLY understand. .. BTW, you just gave me a great idea to start going to non-costume parties dressed in costumes. Ya know, conversation starter.
X’s last blog post..To This House, I Thee Wed
I have almost no words.
But somebody there is abiding. And I don’t think it’s a dude. I’m pretty sure it’s you, abiding whole-hog in a bedsheet and wig. That shot is just chock-full of abiding-ness. Your abiding is like a bowling ball on a bedsheet: a deep and lasting indent in the fabric of reality; others are like ping-pong balls, causing almost no stir.
Backpacking Dad’s last blog post..On Writing, Part 2
You are wearing that, um, dress? to the People’s Party, right? We could just turn the whole thing into a toga party, then you’d fit right in.
Headless Mom’s last blog post..One Hundred Push Ups
I streamed the whole thing live on the internet. Coworkers would walk by, asking why my mouth was hanging open. All I could say was “Houston Television” and “Lebowski.” That pacified most.
Then one of my coworkers said, “The one in the sheet has great tits,” and my head exploded.
heather’s last blog post..Too much for not a lot. [Flickr]
Woman- I think I need for you to be my best friend.
I flash my boobs at Target and at customers at our store because I can never remember to wear a shirt that isn’t low cut. Then I volunteer to help with a task that no one can say “um, you should rethink that” because they want to see my boobs. You are at least smart enough to realize that you probably need to rethink your wardrobe choices. I love that about you.
MommasTantrum’s last blog post..I’m The Luckiest Girl In The World
You are my hero. Seriously. Only you would have the balls to go on television in a sheet. And yet after reading that, I might just add it to my life goals.
Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Hump Day Humor: The Annoying Peasant
What kind of news anchor has never heard of the Big Lebowski? It’s not THAT old, is it? We’re not THAT old to remember it, are we? Am I THAT old?
The rest of the blog made me feel post-coital but seriously, I can’t get past this. Who the fuck doesn’t know the Big Lebowski? Fucking teenagers, that’s who. Fox News has fucking teenagers for anchors. Those bastards.
bejewell’s last blog post..A Note to the Young, Single, Clueless Girl I Work With Who Rolls Her Eyes When I Talk About My Kid
Holy crap Jenny, your celebrity is out of control! First your vagina in a highly acclaimed Barstool magazine. Then you on Fox News AND Twitter’s Top 50!? What could possibly be next?
Jeff’s last blog post..Driving Sideways Contest Winner… Last Call!
Jail?
Nice one.
That
Then there was their stupid question, “So what’s so great about The Big Lebowski?” And all of you saying, “Great scott DUH, it’s effing AWESOME.” No it was when you grabbed the microphone. But really it was my horror at the freak show that calls itself Fox News. I was just glad to see some good guests on for once.
I want to be happy for you but it’s really not right, “barstool” and “vagina” in the same sentence.
I may never pub crawl again.
Julie Pippert’s last blog post..Kids and sex? That question is best directed to me…
By the way, you’re not really old until you wonder whether the young man you are doing business with (not THAT sort, pervs, like actual work such as INTERVIEWING people and no that’s not a euphemism) AHEM as I was saying you wonder whether the young man is old enough to drink. And then somehow that was wondered out loud and he’s stammering in that way only the barely over 21 have that of course he’s LEGAL.
Or maybe it’s being with other people in a restaurant ordering drinks and being mistaken for one of the grown-up over 21 blogger’s MOTHER.
I think Hoochee Mama in a Bedsheet is much, much better.
Julie Pippert’s last blog post..Kids and sex? That question is best directed to me…
First of all you looked FUCKING FABULOUS! I came straight from work and almost forgot even my bowling shirt! It was super fun, your bedsheet got to go on a road trip and you got the subject of a new blog post. No one wears a bedsheet the way you do. Plus, you’ll be the only person at the Lebowski Bash that is cool as a cucumber. That sheet will probably be the most well fitted costume for an outdoor party on the first day of summer, of them all.
I only have one thing to say…. I love you.
Yeah for real even.
Erica/TxGambit’s last blog post..Having it all?
“It was at that moment, reading a glossy magazine about my vagina and dressed in a bed sheet poised to go on live television, that realized I had lost control of my life.”
That has to be the best line I have read on a blog all year. You are the center of my universe.
My fifteen seconds of microfame are nowhere as cool. I’ll DM you the gory details if you want a good giggle.
AV’s last blog post..AV Eats It
Reading this blog is my delicious treat to myself on Friday afternoons. I don’t think I’d have the courage to wear a bedsheet to a tv station. Heck, I’d probably not even wear one into my own living room.
I guess what I’m trying to say is – you’re awesome.
Your life is like a sitcom. A series of situations being set up for the next situation. I hope you plan to write your memoirs.
Tootsie Farklepants’s last blog post..I Feel so Strongly About it that Operation ALL CAPS has Been Instituted
Easily the best link you could have used for Matt
One time I had that same goofy heightened awareness of how off the rails my life was when I was holding a bag of Tostitos in a church on my way to a potluck for work. I was wearing short sleeves and a tie. I walked by this huge wooden Jesus on a cross, got stymied by that goofy awareness, and cried “What the fuck, Jesus? How did I get here?” Total Talking Heads song in real life. I dropped the Tostitos right there in the church and left to score some pot.
Black Hockey Jesus’s last blog post..Mr. Hockey Jesus
Jenny, you looked mahvelous, ABSOLUTELY MAHVELOUS. Damn, that sounded gay, didn’t it? Fine, you look great in a bedsheet. Now, how do you look on a bedsheet?
“It was at that moment, reading a glossy magazine about my vagina and dressed in a bed sheet poised to go on live television, that I realized I had lost control of my life.” This sounds like the beginning to a really great movie.
Chag’s last blog post..Truth In Advertising
The apocolypse is frickin’ nigh.
Greta/Does This Blog Make Us Look Fat?’s last blog post..Happy Goiter Friday (seriously, it’s a holiday, look it up)
your life reads like a fiction novel. I’m LOVING it!
Jill’s last blog post..TV Junkie
At least the bed sheet wasn’t wet. :0)
Tracey’s last blog post..My Daughter is Going to Kill Me
Heh-heh. You said “jubblies.” Heh-heh.
Just start getting Brazilian waxes (if you don’t already). That way, if you flash your slippery slope by accident, they will be struck dumb with your capacity to withstand that kind of searing pain. Or they will mistake you for a twelve year old boy. Either way, they will no longer focus on your nakedness. It works for me. Um, theoretically, of course.
manager mom’s last blog post..To My No Longer A First Grader
Ok, so I found out someone is shooting my dog with a pellet gun today. Have the xrays with embedded pellets to prove it… and I haven’t really felt like doing anything other than crying since I was on the phone with the Vet this afternoon… and then I read this post. I laughed until I cried some more. So, thank you for that! About the show – believe me, compared to the hosts – you guys are the most intelligent, sophisticated thing to happen to that show – even in a $5 wig and a bed sheet.
jj4tlr’s last blog post..3rd Generation Social Network
The fact that you manage to find yourself in these situations on a daily basis? Cracks me the hell up. And, you kick ass for doing the news dressed as Medusa.
Anglophile Football Fanatic’s last blog post..Quirks
I have been slowly developing you into a character in my novel. Dude. I do love the unfolding of yr crazy life. I cannot wait to meet ya! xoxoxoxo
amy’s last blog post..In the washing of the water will you take it all away
Well, if you did flash anyone, they could just say that your rug tied the room together.
Avitable’s last blog post..I’ve been putting this off
I think I’d like to be escorted by an employee at all times. Where do you get one of those?
‘Cause I get lost and I have a lot of questions, plus do they get a decent discount at the gift shop?
Amy in Ohio’s last blog post..LIVE UNITED
OK, no one is going to top this post. No one.
In fact, people at BlogHer will *expect* you to show up in a sheet, I’m sure of it.
Damselfly’s last blog post..A-Starbucking I will go
I agree with Damselfly – you now must show up at BlogHer with sheet. They may be chanting “TOGA TOGA TOGA” at you. Hawt!
Tranny Head’s last blog post..Aggressive Driving
Here’s an analogy for you:
Posting a picture of myself on the toilet is such a rookie maneuver compared to your appearance on TV dressed as ‘post-coital Maude.’
I’m burning with envy. My kid’s 8th birthday party is tomorrow. I need to come up with something truly outrageous to even begin to play in the big leagues with the likes of The Bloggess!
Robin’s last blog post..Photo Friday
you gotta like boobs alot! Show us yer boobs!
Only you. Only you!
Shoegirl’s last blog post..I Have a Mommy Badge! Do you have one?
After reading this post I realized what it is that makes me like you. You are like a married with kid Bridget Jones. Too bad you didn’t get to slide down a fireman pole in your bedsheet.
simplypink’s last blog post..giving Catherine five
You have the best sheet. No really. It goes with your eyes. Will you be wearing it on Saturday’s bash?
oh.. yeah? I thought you were Ginger, from Gilligans Island!
Pamela’s last blog post..Yesterday’s SKY
WILL YOU ADOPT ME!
I believe it had to be the refrain “BLOG FODDER! BLOG FODDER!” that got you through this day. Or the Xanax.
JCK’s last blog post..How come I missed out on the tummy tuck?!
I would pay major dollars to have you join our PTA.
You rock.
stephanie’s last blog post..thank heaven for little girls (with simple needs)
oh my. now i would have paid good money to have seen this! seriously! you seem to always have such…um…interesting things happening to you. and such blog material! when i move back to houston can i just follow you around? my blog needs some pick-me-up.
natalie’s last blog post..The Kuafor
i was just saying to myself the other day that i wished my life were more interesting, like jenny the bloggess’ssss.
now, not so much.
but my question is – if you flashed everyone in the bar, would they say the carpet matched the drapes??
On Halloween, I went to my son’s Polish preschool dressed as Wonder Woman. It doesn’t sound like much, except that in Poland, well they don’t celebrate Halloween AND no one dresses up (in costumes) unless they are totally drunk AND no one in Poland knows who Wonder Woman is because that TV show came out when they were still under communism.
Just to clarify, I wasn’t drunk…or Polish.
Kylie’s last blog post..The Job Interview
….so glad you just run with (and blog) your psychotic life….lmao
krista’s last blog post..900 Miles, 2 kids, 1 Messy car….
you’re better than cable tv. you don’t need to write a book, just print your blog.
vagina.
always, buddy’s last blog post..friday and the dead girl
You just made my day!
I too ride that fine line between just a little crazy and totally, bat shit, tied-to-the-bed-so-you-don’t-try-to-cut-your-hair-with-a-spoon-again crazy.
You ROCKED that bedsheet. You are divinely willing…for almost anything. Love it here.
Ann’s last blog post..My Presidential Pardons
Oh this was brilliant.
qt’s last blog post..Protected: Damn, That’s Hot
Speaking of vaginas…
Are we still doing that “thing?”
Call me!
Y’s last blog post..You Know Your Day is Probably Going to Suck When….
Y, you are so kinky. Oh wait. *That* thing. Yeah…we’re totally on.
Those other party-goers? Losers. You looked fab.
Suebob’s last blog post..In Memoriam
They aren’t losers. They are awesome. Of course, they would be more awesome in bedsheets but really, who wouldn’t?
Just curious, are you already setting aside money for Hailey’s therapy bills?
~EdT.
Ed T.’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Elementals
If we can’t afford therapy for me then she certainly isn’t getting any. We stick together in this family. We’re all fucked.
No way… I am sure *this* will provide fodder for coffee-break talks at the studio for MONTHS to come.
~EdT.
Oh Jenny. How did you get to be so awesome?
Kyla’s last blog post..Clearly, we can never become Amish.
You make me feel like my life is so boring.
(That’s a compliment.)
-R-’s last blog post..Sharing Your Blog
I want to know more about the construction workers. I wonder what they are really thinking?
Sara’s last blog post..Seven Signs You Are Too Picky
Speechless…Wait, here comes something…Nope, still speechless.
On the ground laughing.
Jen Maselli’s last blog post..Poo Poo This, Poo Poo That
At least you remembered to keep your wits (and that bedsheet) about you.
~EdT.
Of course, there was always the option of “when you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.” On second thought… what was I thinking? That wouldn’t be any fun a-tall.
~EdT.
Ed T.’s last blog post..Reexamination of faith: The knowledge of good and evil
You have fire at hotel evacuation survival skills down.
Cedarflame’s last blog post..I Have Friends and they Listen to Me. I am afraid for them.
I had decided to just read, giggle and be on my way. Then I noticed that you had 69 comments and that fact alone just seemed too hilarious not to comment on it. Because, I am a 12 year old boy.
I hope you washed that sheet when you got home.
buffi’s last blog post..All I need is a jury full of moms….
oh honey…you’re still the coolest person i know!!
and you’re not the only one that had an embarassing moment…go read my latest…eep
Biddy’s last blog post..humbling moment….
Why don’t I live in Houston?
Deb on the Rocks’s last blog post..My Booty Wants a Mojito with a Sugar Rimmer
Seriously. You really need to publish this whole blog as a book. It would definitely be on the NYTimes Best Seller List!!! You Rock!
bichonpawz’s last blog post..Inspiration for the Day
How is this real life? And how do you not have your own tv show, because really if paparazzi were following you around taking pictures of that whole process…it could only make things better.
ps I don’t know who or what The Big Lebowski is…I’m just sayin.
mama’s losin’ it’s last blog post..Poor Baby.
Thanks! I was looking for a quote for my weekly quote/photo and you made things very easy for me. (so the whole experience was worthwhile, in my view)
nonlineargirl’s last blog post..A Thing I Have Learned
I have such a girl crush on you. You are too effing cool. You blow Julianne Moore out of the water.
ali’s last blog post..Lest ye think my vacation was mostly about gambling and nudie shows
well.
that was a mess.
Hottdog’s last blog post..Hotdogs, Napkins and Spilt Lemonade. Oh and don’t forget the Janitor
I’m old enough to know the Big Lebowski, but where do I find this Barstool Magazine?
Neil’s last blog post..What Would Sophia Do?
At bars. Apparently.
Hence the reason why I hadn’t seen one until that moment.
So how did the Lebowski Bash go? And that costume Hailey was wearing, what the heck was that all about?
~EdT.
Ed T.’s last blog post..Oil – another fine mess we have gotten ourselves into.
NO! Don’t wash that sheet! Seal it in a Zip-Loc bag and mail it to me.
Oh, wait. I hate it when my inside voice goes outside.
LOL! Well done, you.
Now…have you dressed as a drugged out British soul singer in a bikini and then walked around your house taking photos of yourself as your neighbor’s teenage boys watched you through a window? Because that’s where my blogging psychosis has taken me.
What? Fuck that Fox News guy! Lebowski isn’t an “old people thing” it’s a cool people thing. I’m 26 and I love Lebowski. I randomly walk up to people and tell them to “shut the fuck up, Donny.” I celebrate Shabbat not completely understanding what it is and I have a small but considerable crush on Sam Elliot. Celebrate your inner Maude. The Dude abides.
Kristen’s last blog post..Ah, Fuck.
Oh crap. I wasn’t able to grab my belly fast enough and I think I busted my stitches… WARNING: Reading The Bloggess is not recommended for the post-operative.
Sayre’s last blog post..Fun Monday – Treasures in the Closet
Seriously, you crack me up. A sheet…oh, my. But, strangely, you earn respect in my book for still going on, even as the only one in costume. See, kids, mommy has good self-image. Sell it that way, I think it might work!
I had to re-read this because it’s just too much.
ali’s last blog post..Movies: Like I know ANYTHING about them.
You had me at “dangly ballsack.”
In the Trenches of Mommyhood’s last blog post..Why I Feel Fat Today
Love you hair…is that a towel you have wrapped around you? I must go find my glasses.
Oh, wait…I thought you were the one with the crew cut. No wonder you looked so tall. That’s a guy standing behind you.
Never mind.
Swampy’s last blog post..Hula Girl Takes Off Her Clothes
I wish you lived here. Life would be so much more interesting with you as a neighbour. Though it may be too cold in our winters to run aruond flashing your bits, so you’d need some new schtick for those months. Think you can work something up?
kittenpie’s last blog post..Pumpkinpie and Santa
You mean, like a beaver costume?
Or a beaver’s ballsack.
Deb (Missives From Suburbia)’s last blog post..Suburban Obsessions #27 — The Bleeding Has CEASED
I hate showin’ up late to a party….
Robin’s last blog post..The Sisterhood of the Traveling Laptops
You and your daughter have your photos in the Houston Press’ slideshow of the event.
I always wanted to be on the Houston Press. It only took dressing in a bedsheet and exploiting my child to do it: http://houstonpress.com/slideshow/view/89913/2
You are just awesome.
Lotta’s last blog post..Summer Break
You, my dear, are Certifiably NUTS! Have a peanut.
Beth from the Funny Farm’s last blog post..Photos From Crooked Creek
This right here, baby. This right here is why you are (and will always be) my hero.
Maggie, dammit’s last blog post..Why I haven’t been blogging…
That picture looks like an extra shot from Galaxy Quest.
Spamboy’s last blog post..Oh, and One More Thing…
Been meaning to tell you the Miranda red DOES look awesome on you! Now for those neck stretching rings …
mommypie’s last blog post..Hittin’ the road with MP and Bobo
We actually didn’t meet a Big Lebowski, though I stared at you throughout the evening while cursing my lack of pop culture references. Yeah, I’m one of those assholes who are “in their 20’s and were too young to have seen it”. Sorry.
Cory O’s last blog post..Random Laughter
pie = vagina? never hearda that one. adding to my list now.
used to be friends with a girl (from tejas) whose nickname was Pie. no wonder she had so many dates.
phd in yogurtry’s last blog post..boy 2 girl
I was so praying for a wardrobe malfunction!
I commented on this post in 08, and now in 09. I don’t want to alarm you, but we may in fact be dead and in purgatory or in some sort of Groundhog Day loop together. You, me, Maggie, Ph. in Yogurty, Just A Reader, all of us. It’s fine, but just FYI.
Deb on the Rocks’s last blog post..Giant Squid and Giant Jellyfish Means You Owe Al Gore an Apology
Will you please set a Wordpress alarm or something to let me know when its 2010, just in case?
Deb on the Rocks’s last blog post..Giant Squid and Giant Jellyfish Means You Owe Al Gore an Apology
What is in your hand in the Houston Press slide show with Hailey? Are you drinking while in a bedsheet and holding Hailey’s hand? You are one f***ing multi-tasker!
Pop and Ice’s last blog post..Grazing in the grass is a gas, Baby can you dig it?
Surprisingly, it’s just bottled water. I was Hailey’s designated driver.
“It was at that moment, reading a glossy magazine about my vagina and dressed in a bed sheet poised to go on live television, that realized I had lost control of my life.”
That is the greatest line ever and I honestly hope you put it somewhere in your memoirs.
Jessica’s last blog post..Some Stereotypes are True