me: Scorpions never fall out of the sky and land on the right people.
Victor: You know, I was just saying that.
me: Really?
Victor: No. No one says that. That doesn’t even make any sense.
me: Well I say it. And it’s about to go on the internet. That makes it a saying. Those are the rules of the internet.
Victor: Stop talking.
me: Scorpions would be falling on you right now if the world worked correctly.
********************************
It’s Sunday, right? Which means it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:
- This week on Ask the Bloggess:
- Death by bacon.
- By request: The all-penis edition
This week on my sex column (which is satirical and relatively safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche-canoe):
This week on Good Mom/Bad Mom:
This week on the internets:
- The Houston Press did a cover story on the top ten best local bloggers and somehow I got included. I can only assume they were drunk when they wrote it. Then I screamed and stole 20 copies of the edition so that I could send it to everyone I’ve ever met. I may have over-reacted a bit. But then they did a blog post about me and my head exploded. Seriously, that’s been on my bucket list since the day I started blogging.
This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
- Chat roulette is weird. And also awesome.
- The monster is not in the closet.
Weekly wrap-up sponsored by the upcoming film, “The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo“, which looks so bad-ass it makes me want to get a tattoo. But not of a dragon. Of a puppy. BEING EATEN BY A DRAGON. Bottom line? You probably need to see this movie.
Comment of the day: Actually, I saw a scorpion fall out of the sky and land on this innocent lady. I am not kidding you. Well, technically, it wasn’t the sky. It was in church. It fell from the ceiling panels into this lady’s hair in front of me and I had to tap her on the shoulder during the holiest part of the Mass to tell her she had a scorpion in her hair. She danced around like nobody’s business trying to get that thing out of her hair. It confused everyone because I think they thought she’d been overtaken by the Holy Spirit and we’re Catholic so we don’t even give our “Amens” any gusto, so dancing because of the Holy Spirit is totally out of our reality. I often wonder if she realized it had to be a sign from God, like “Mind your P’s & Q’s, lady.” I mean, a scorpion falls onto your hair in church. That’s one step away from Jesus showing up in your pancake. ~ joann mannix
{ 67 comments… read them below or add one }
for a moment there I thought you were going to claim that a scorpion had fallen on you!
accident prone would have been the understatement of the year…..
angelica´s last blog ..the revenge of Montezuma is upon me! (the plot thickens)
Who the hell is that guy? The one on the left is Sean Bean, the greatest living actor. The other one, who cares. And that’s you in the middle there.
Actually, at my house, it isn’t scorpions. It’s fish guts. Grosser and deadly by bacteria slime instead of stingers.
Don’t get fish guts in your eyes, by the way.
Michele´s last blog ..whackadoodle
Congrats on the great article in the Houston Press! Hilarious. It only needs to be longer and really needed to incorporate more James Garfield.
Is the one on the right Emilio’s brother? The one who is a sex addict? The one whose wife called the police on him in Aspen? The one who has a famous father? Who the hell is he, anyway? More important, why are you hanging around with him?
rogueartistsspeak´s last blog ..
to answer V’s question, that actor on the right is none other than Rutger Oelsen Hauer (Dutch pronunciation: [?r?tx?r ?uls?(n) ???u?r]; English pronunciation: /?r?t??r ?ha??r/; born 23 January 1944) is a Dutch film actor. He is well known for his roles in Blind Fury, Blade Runner, The Hitcher, Nighthawks, Sin City, Ladyhawke, The Blood of Heroes and Batman Begins.
Hauer was born in Breukelen, Netherlands, to drama teachers Arend and Teunke, and grew up in Amsterdam. Since his parents were very occupied with their careers, he and his three sisters (one older, two younger) were raised mostly by nannies. At the age of 15, Hauer ran off to sea and spent a year scrubbing decks aboard a freighter. Returning home, he worked as an electrician and a carpenter for three years while attending acting classes at night school. He went on to join an experimental troupe, with which he remained for five years before he was cast in the lead role in the very successful 1969 television series Floris, a Dutch Ivanhoe-like medieval action drama. The role made him famous in his native country.
Also he has an odd sexual fetish involving smashing fresh seafood with fungoe bats. Kind of like Gallagher, but with more cock and balls and squid.
furiousball´s last blog ..of sun and geese
Congrats on the cover story. Keep spreading the silliness. We’re countin’ on ya.
Michele´s last blog ..I Got Nothing
Usually the comments are funny…today? I know waaaaaaaaaaaaaay more than I want to. Wow.
If the world worked properly furiousball would be covered in scorpions right now.
And actually…I’ve said that before.
Elisa´s last blog ..Ducky 9-1-1
Can I just skip it and get a dragon tattoo? Also apparently the Scorpions have a new album coming out. Too bad they didn’t fall from the sky. That’s probably another 70 minutes of metal the world did not need.
Elly Lou´s last blog ..One Spore My Homies
Everything you did this week was awesome.
Bacon, penises and so forth.
Wait. No. Chat Roulette scares the Hugh Heffner out of me.
Sarah p´s last blog ..Your Friday Lenten Prayer Service, or How I Ruined the Curve for Everyone
You can’t blame the scorpions. Stop blaming the scorpions. There’re the victims here.
Christ, you’re such a bitch at times. Those poor scorpions.
Ninja´s last blog ..Wet and windy weather …
It is absolutely true, that thing about cats and bacon.
Bridget´s last blog ..Ain’t No Thing
I know there’s an “It’s raining men” (a la scorpions) joke here somewhere, but my brain cells aren’t firing in the same direction this afternoon. Sigh.
only words to play with´s last blog ..The Gap Between the World and the Word: Faulkner’s Addie
I say it now too but there might be swear in it when I do.
I know there’s an “It’s raining men” (a la scorpions) joke here somewhere, but my brain cells aren’t firing in the same direction this afternoon. Sigh.
onlywords2playw´s last blog ..The Gap Between the World and the Word: Faulkner’s Addie
mmm…. bacon… everything tastes better with bacon… except ice cream… no, wait… it would probably taste good too. I’m going to go try that.
sarah @ i run with scissors´s last blog ..Creativity
Actually, I saw a scorpion fall out of the sky and land on this innocent lady. I am not kidding you. Well, technically, it wasn’t the sky. It was in church. It fell from the ceiling panels into this lady’s hair in front of me and I had to tap her on the shoulder during the holiest part of the Mass to tell her she had a scorpion in her hair. Oh the madness! She danced around like nobody’s business trying to get that thing out of her hair. It confused everyone because I think they thought she’d been overtaken by the Holy Spirit and we’re Catholic so we don’t even give our “Amens” any gusto, so dancing because the Holy Spirit is totally out of our reality.
I often wonder if she realized it had to be a sign from God, like “Mind your P’s & Q’s, lady.” I mean, a scorpion falls onto your hair in church. That’s one step away from Jesus showing up in your pancake.
joann mannix´s last blog ..Rewind For A Portrait Of My Hubby
Of. I meant to say dancing because OF the Holy Spirit, is totally out of our reality. Great way to mess up a funny line.
joann mannix´s last blog ..Rewind For A Portrait Of My Hubby
I hope to find my next husband via Chat Roulette. It’s the best thing since … cats…and bacon.
Mary @ Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..The Passive Aggressive War Has Begun And Proverbial Fists Are Flyin’
OK, I have to ask – what program do you use to manipulate images? I love your pictures but I’ve no idea what program I’d need. Also, that scary sectioned-orange-inflatible-gas-mask- thing gives me the creeping willies.
Yes, yes to sarah@irunwithscissors.
Bacon = awesome
Ice cream = amazing
Bacon + Ice cream = AMAZINGLY AWESOME.
Sarah p´s last blog ..Your Friday Lenten Prayer Service, or How I Ruined the Curve for Everyone
The last time I heard about The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo was when the policeman asked who stabbed me in the alley. Moral of the story: Go see the movie, get stabbed near a dumpster for 3 bucks and an old condom.
moooooog35´s last blog ..Wrapping up the Week – March 21, 2010
I always try to catch your sun-nite wrap up because the thing people sent to you are just the freakin best
Sorry about your finger
congrats on being featured in the houston chronicle!!
ericka´s last blog ..um, could you do me a favor?
Yes, they do!! Well, technically, they can fall off of the ceiling of a hotel room onto your gross hotel bed and your Midwestern ass can get completely freaked out and not sleep all night.
People on painkillers say things like that all the time.
Kristin´s last blog ..Readers I want to do
Hi,
Found you via Suzy over at “Hollywood, where HOT comes to die”.
Apparently you are funnier than her…
I wouldn’t dare make a comparison, but you are funny. Glad I am here!
hrm. i stayed at my aunt’s one summer and as i was lyin’ on the sofa, readin’ a book, something landed on my leg. i brushed it off and then thought, “what the…?” and looked down… to see a GIANT MAN EATING scorpion go scampering across the floor. needless to say, as a teenage city girl, i was not accustomed to 1) scorpions or 2) their falling on people in the living room >:O my aunt sent the somewhat hysterical me off to take a bath and relax… and as i pulled a towel out of the closet, a dead scorpion fell to the floor. needless to say, i went home early that summer ;o
now i’m worried that ~i~ might be the right people, thus proving that they DO in fact land on us.
Tell Victor that scorpions do sometimes fall out of the sky. I have pictures, so I may have been inside of a hut and they were falling off of the ceiling, but thats close enough. They also seem to jump off of cliff walls.
The Dragon Tattoo movie is based on a book and you know how the book ends? The Dragon Tattoo girl gets EATEN. BY A SCORPION. And then? A PUPPY EATS THE SCORPION. A very cute, but seriously BAD ASS PUPPY.
True story. I couldn’t even make this shit up.
bejewell´s last blog ..It’s Just Amazing I Haven’t Been Snatched Up as Somebody’s Life Coach Already
People totally should say that about scorpions and if it isn’t copy written I think I will!
Barefoot Dreaming´s last blog ..It is a matter of WHAT we decide to focus on
I’ve been meaning to read The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and I’ve been too frigging lazy and now I don’t have to because a movie is coming out. How great is that?
After reading your cruise ship post I had to tell my friends about you so I did a shout out on my blog that has about 3 readers and told my friends on facebook to get over here, thankfully there’s more than 3 of them.
I was so pleased that I’d “discovered” you. Then I found out that I was the oonly person who didn’t know already. Anyway I know now.
cathy´s last blog ..Getting back into the swing of things.
Speaking of dragon tattoos….Demetri Martin does an amazing skit about a dragon man! Enjoy!
http://ccinsider.comedycentral.com/2009/03/13/demetri-martin-is-the-dragon-man/
Bacon? Penises? Only you can get away with saying those two words in the same blog.
Dude…what a way to start a tribute to you by quoting you…”It’s only offensive to assholes.”. Very key!
Jenn´s last blog ..Weekend Adventures
Awesome. Now I’m seeing scorpions hiding in every ceiling I walk under.
How do I do my images? I cheat, actually. I use photofunia.com to make some of them and picnik.com for the rest. Most of my weekly wrap-up posts start off in photofunia and get tweaked in picnik. It’s really easy and way cheaper than photoshop.
Wait. You screamed, stole 20 copies and then sent them to everyone you had ever met. You’ve only EVER met 20 people? Or did your 20 copies multiple when you got them home? Because I’m pretty sure you know more than 20 people. Did the scorpions do it? You have scorpions that can multiple paper products??? I’m not entirely sure why that’s cool – but it is. Can I have one of your scorpions?
MinivanSoapbox´s last blog ..Better Butter
Hi Jenny, I did email you interview questions on writing humor last week. My husband said, “Isn’t she on a trip?” and I said, “She’s back. But she also did something terrible to her finger and can’t type. . .” and right about then I realized you are maybe not in a position to answer interview questions over email. But I would still very much like to hear your answer to the question about cannibalizing comedians.
Victoria Mixon´s last blog ..Swinging between Amazon and Apple with the ebook publishers
Victoria, I suck. Can you send them again. I’m too irresponsible to remember if I answered them or not.
I don’t know about the movie but the book it’s based on is *awesome*. The sequel is also amazing, and I’m anxiously awaiting the third book in the trilogy.
I was stung by a scorpion in the neck – right where your adam’s apple would be, if girls had discernable adam’s apples. Then the little fucker flicked it’s tail up and got me on the chin. Now ordinarily, I would have grabbed the nearest bottle of whatever – vodka, gin, perfume – but it was 9 am on a very black, weepy morning, and I had klonopin with coffee – and I had never taken a klonopin before (it was a gift from a friend), so I was thinking, How might scorpion venom interact with klonopin? And I had just stepped out of the shower, so I needed to quick dry my hair and slap on some lipstick, just in case something dreadful happened. But I was screaming about the scorpion, dead at my naked feet, so in comes my husband who immediately made me drink like half a bottle of children’s Benedryl and take three motrin. I didn’t feel like sharing about the klonopin, and then all I could think was that if I did have to go to hospital, I would have to tell them about the klonopin and I didn’t want my husband to know about that. Fortunately, I slept on the couch until about four. And I was kind of glad to get it overwith – being stung and all, because I had been worrying about it forever. And that’s all I have to say about that. Stupid is as stupid does.
In San Diego for a meeting except EVERYONE needs an answer to their questions NOW, so the East Coast people starting calling/texting/emailing at 6:15 a.m. Thanks for being the only sane thing in my day.
When I was ten, I was trying to go to sleep in my bed. I felt something fall onto my face, covering my eyeball. I jumped up out of bed and turned on the light. There on my pillow was the biggest, grossest SCORPION I have ever seen in my life, like it was probably from Tijuana.. It apparently had fallen out of the vent on the ceiling that was over my bed and landed on face and was probably trying to sting me to death.
P.S. I grew up in Oklahoma, not Tijuana. I think people that read this that live in Tijuana are all like “Um, what’s the big deal? Scorpions are on my coffee table all day every day”.
Zak´s last blog ..As Stephanie Tanner Would Say, "How Rude".
A scorpion fell in my hair at Girl Scout camp.
I was stabbed in the back by a scorpion when I was a year old.
Apparently… my name is “Right Person”
Suzanne (Crunchy green Mom)´s last blog ..He Said – A year later (Part 1)
Who is that:
Sorry furiousball, Rutger is a lovely but that’s not him.
V is totally right – that’s Sean Bean. My favourite version of him http://www.sharpe-books.co.uk/sean-bean.php
@leon, you’re so right – the books ROCK. can’t wait for number three.
As it turns out my employer is a douche-canoe. Whoulda thunk? Your sex column is blocked.
That’s strike one. If they block your blog then I’m outta here.
If that is not currently a saying, it totally SHOULD be. I’m going to start saying it. Daily. It totally fits into my life daily!
….
Sadly… it totally fits into my life daily.
My Baby Sweetness´s last blog ..For the first time ever…I am in favor of springing forward!
That’s so true about scorpions and personally, I never get tired of being reminded of it. Keeps me angry and that much more determined to figure out a way to make it happen. I’m working on it. Keep the faith.
MayoPie´s last blog ..Dear Principal, Some of the other parents are big assholes.
“Scorpions never fall out of the sky and land on the right people.” Dude! I say that all of the freakin time.
A scorpion actually did fall on my husband once – as he was trying to kill it with his shoe as it crawled up the wall. So there, Victor! (Oh yeah – and it fell on the right person since I was ticked at him at the time.)
Jane´s last blog ..Jane’s Recipe For Household Disaster
I often wonder why scorpions don’t fall on deserving passers by and anyone who doesn’t should be.
Jennifer June´s last blog ..Letter to my 15 year old self:
No, no. It’s not the rules of the Internet. It’s the Rules of the Internet. BIG DIFFERENCE.
And Then I Was a Mom´s last blog ..You better believe that I’ll serve it under glass, too.
When I moved to a cabin in the woods 15 years ago it was infested with scorpions and they did fall from the sky (ceiling). One fell from the sky and stung my brother-in-law, 3 months later he divorced my sister, see, scorpions know. I had a waterbed and they were attracted to the heating element. That means I was breeding scorpions under my mattress and they come out at night. When you toss and turn they get upset and sting you, you are asleep so you smack them, they sting you, you smack again… Eventually you are in enough pain to wake up! tear off the covers and destroy! destroy! Oops, not awake enough to realize you should not stab at scorpions on your waterbed. No more waterbed, problem solved.
David Blizzard´s last blog ..Web SPAM – Should We All Snitch For Google?
Girl, I don’t care HOW rotten a day I have had…all I need to do is come and read your blog and I am in absolute stitches within seconds. THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART, for putting a stupid, shit-eating grin on my face every day!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kim aka The Mad White Woman´s last blog ..Yippee!!! Spring has ARRIVED!
I live in Tucson, and scorpions falling from the sky is a way of life here. The little ones are the most dangerous and carry the most venom. One bit me on my heel shortly after we moved here, and I got really sick. My best friend and I did a purification ceremony on my patio, and they all ran off to my neighbor’s yard. She is a total bitch, and we hate her so we sent to scorpions to her yard, along with those big fuzzy spiders and a few pack rats. I haven’t seen a scorpion in my yard in 12 years. I did see one fall out of the sky at the golf course once, but it didn’t hit me. It landed on the seat of the golf cart of some jerk who was drinking and trying to hit the ball at the same time. That doesn’t work.
rogueartistsspeak´s last blog ..Hanging Out On The Corner of Walk And Don’t Walk
Well if it does start raining scorpions, I can always go and get my umbrella
Jon Pear (a.k.a. NeuroAster)´s last blog ..sidewalk chalk
Congratulations on the cover story!
Jo
ps Now I want bacon
pps Scorpions have too much freedom
Jo´s last blog ..My loveless, faceless marriage
Haa haaa haaa, typing and touching…I do that all the time.
(no I don’t)
A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..Voodoo Ass Twitch
I’ve never had a scorpion fall on me, but I was hit in the head by a falling possum. Does that count?
Umm… am I the only one who never realized that a penis has a bone?
And, yes, I too come to your blog when having a really bad day. And it never fails to set things right again! Thanks, Jenny.
Barb´s last blog ..Clarity
The very same day that I am reading your blog with your musings on wanting the power of scorpions at your command, my husband almost has his flight delayed because numerous people were stung by scorpions on the previous flight.
So if I could totally ask a favor, when you get your awesome, uber mind control over scorpions, don’t sic them on my hubby. He’s a nice guy and probably hasn’t done anything to you. He even eats squids so they can’t see you.
Thanks and stuff. Your blog is hysterical and awesome. Whenever I feel sad I read about your escapades in Japan and remind myself that the Japanese are a repressed culture and the result of that is hysterical things like Agatha Christie. I so want one of those and I don’t even know why yet.
OK, you were amusing, now, with the scorpion comment, you’ve entered the realm of profound.
George´s last blog ..Where’s Dharo?
More specifically, the toolbox thing was a simile. (Yeah, I’ve decided to be THAT guy)
Dude. I “did” chatroulette last night. I would never go back…. but after watching the Avatar Routlette guys… I I’m thinking maybe instead of doing “haul” on Chatroulette. Money is tight, tho… so I’ll have to do a haul of the items in my laundry basket(s). Too bad the charoulette isn’t scratch and sniff… I could host Laundryroulette on chatroulette – “Is it clean or dirty? Name that smell. Tide or poop?” I have a 10 year old son. I’d totally make the pervs sniff the soccer socks.
jennyonthespot´s last blog ..Dogs and Babies: Diarrhea, Vomit and a Lousy Night’s Sleep
Speaking of scorpions . . . I recently had the misfortune to be reminded that the Scorpions once made an album cover with, well, soft-core kiddie porn on it. It was 1976. They were German. The title of the Album was “Virgin Killer.” And of course, now that we have the Internets, you can see the album cover any time you want, on line. (Just not for sale, cuz that’s gross, and borderline illegal.) It’s usually included in “weird album cover’ collections, such as this one:
http://heystupid.wordpress.com/2009/02/24/strange-tales-of-the-internet-album-covers/
On a happier, more upbeat note, this particular collection also includes fabulously kitchy album covers like “Let Me Touch Him” by the Minister’s Quartet, and “Swing That Gospel Axe” by Butch Yelton and the UpBound.
I just thought you should know.
Your fan,
Red Flashlight
Red Flashlight´s last blog ..Cherokee Nation Stop Sign