So this site shows you a bunch of different bathing suits and gives you videos of the models doing “tests” to see how the suits perform. Like ”the stretch test”, “the jump test”, or “the fruit test”, which is apparently a test to see how you’d look holding fruit in a bathing suit, and no, I’m totally not kidding. And I don’t mean like hoarding fruit by sticking it inside the bathing suit because that would almost make sense. I mean, just holding fruit. In your hand. Personally, I’ve never found myself looking as a swimsuit and wondering ”But, how would I look carrying a kumquat in it?” but apparently this is a big issue for someone. Still, I can’t help but think that this would’ve been more useful if they’d used real people in normal life situations. Like maybe a chick in a one-piece who looks exactly like me at her community pool leans over to see why her child’s ass seems to be exploding and then she realizes that her husband failed to put a swimming diaper on the kid and so now the diaper is soaking up all the pool water and expanding like a giant mushroom cloud and the kid is looking at you like “What the fuck is happening to my junk?!” and you’re all, “Don’t panic! Walk slowly toward the bathroom!” but the kid is like “Pick me up! I’m being eaten by my diaper!” and so you do but then the pressure makes the diaper seams burst and now you’re covered with the gel stuff from inside the diaper, which, it turns out is like a bluish crystally-jelly and you’re repulsed and fascinated all at the same time and you run to the bathroom and the crystal-jelly stuff is leaking out behind you like a trail of breadcrumbs and the lifeguard is giving you the stink-eye and you finally get to the bathroom and the gel inside the diaper is continuing to expand and so as soon as you take off the kid’s suit the diaper rips open from the sheer internal pressure and lands with a splat and the jelly sprays all over everything and then your childless neighbor from down the street walks in and sees you bending over in the middle of the bathroom, splattered with diaper filling, trying desperately to use wads of brown paper towels to clean the probably cancerous crystal-jelly off a naked toddler and you try to smile at her like this is the sort of thing that happens all the time and you consider standing up to explain that this is all your husband’s fault but before you can straighten up your kid sees your boob perched precariously at the edge of your bathing suit and punches it and then it falls out of the top of your bathing suit. And then your neighbor rushes out of the bathroom and you want to scream at her, ”Don’t run from me, bitch! BEHOLD! THIS. IS. YOUR. FUTURE!”
But yeah, the “walking around holding fruit” test is a good one too.
PS. On the 11th swimsuit, the model takes “the apple test” and clearly picks up an orange and walks around with it. Fail.
PPS. That swimsuit story totally happened to me in real life except for the part about me yelling at my neighbor that this would happen to her too one day. That part just happened in my head several minutes later. In real life I just cried a little.
PPPS. This is totally unrelated but I don’t think it warrants a whole post so can I just say here that I know my eye is doing weird stuff but I’m not drunk. Because if you meet me in real life you may sometimes be like, “What is her eye doing? Why is it blinking longer than the other one? Is she winking at me?” And no, I’m not winking at you. Just, when I get tired my eyes get sticky and then when I blink they get stuck together and I have to try really hard to open them and they pop open at slightly different speeds. I’m not drunk or trying to pick you up. I’m just tired and…sticky. Shut up.
PPPPS. Did I just apologize for going off on an unrelated tangent in the middle of a post that’s basically an unrelated tangent? That seems unnecessary. If anything I should apologize for the post. And probably all the other posts on this blog. Except the one where I posted a picture of that tiny sasquatch because I’m pretty sure that was an important contribution to science.
Comment of the day: This fruit test is brilliant! I think I might like to expand it into many areas of my life to judge whether or not something is acceptable or even preferable to me:
Guy: So, um, hey. Do you maybe wanna catch a movie sometime or something?
Me: Here. Hold this orange. ~Lesley
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Um, oh. Wow.
I got nothing.
Except that I once put swim diapers on my twins in place of nighttime diapers because we had run out and were too lazy to run to the Kroger before bedtime for nighttime diapers. And you know? Swim diapers suck balls as nighttime diapers. Niagra Falls busted out all over their cribs.
Coal Miner’s Granddaughter’s last blog post..My Boring-Ass Life, Part Un*
Can I just leave a lame as shit comment and say that if I had the boobage for my kid to punch out of a bathing suit I would probably die of happiness.
And yes, diaper gel gunk = Satan’s boogers. Very unpleasant, completely disgusting – albeit slightly fascinating to poke.
That is all.
Katie’s last blog post..happykatie daily brain candy
Man. I have been waiting for someone to do the fruit test. Now I can finally buy swimwear online.
The crystally-jelly stuff in diapers grosses me out too. Except I’ve never seen it blue, always white. What was your toddler smuggling in that diaper to make the crystals blue?
Diana’s last blog post..Each Day
This fruit test is brilliant! I think I might like to expand it into many areas of my life to judge whether or not something is acceptable or even preferable to me:
Guy: So, um, hey. Do you maybe wanna catch a movie sometime or something?
Me: Here. Hold this orange.
Lesley’s last blog post..It Would Have Been Really Awesome If I’d Remembered To Put The Following In Yesterday’s Post (Or: I Wonder If I’ll Be Allowed To Blog In Jail?)
That site’s really cool but it could be so much more helpful. As nice as it is to know that you can walk or spin or lie down on a towel or catch a beach ball* or hold a piece of fruit that may or may not be an apple, all while wearing the swimsuit, I’d much prefer to know how successful it is at repelling sharks. And giant squids. And maybe babies in expanding diapers.
*Seriously, some of the suits feature a little video clip for “The Ball Test.” Feel free to make up your own joke here.
I love the way they walk when the diaper fills with water, like they just finished a long horse ride. Or like they’re little sumo wrestlers. Oh, and thanks for directing me to a page that stretch tests bathing suits.
Captain Dumbass’s last blog post..Will Clean For Sex
They should add a “jumping into the pool with your two piece on and seeing how much of your boob hangs out” test. If they had that it might have saved me a lot of embarrassing situations.
Jen W’s last blog post..A Caddyshack moment of sorts
Personally, I’m only buying a bathing suit if I preview what it’ll probably look like when it creeps up into your ass crack… on one side only… revealing a rather round and dimply (but not in a cute, baby butt sort of way) flabby ass that hasn’t seen the gym in a whole… EVER, with an extra bonus up-close photo of the inside of your thigh after a bikini shave gone bad, complete with razor burn and stray forgotten pubes poking their way through the swimsuit material and standing erect, causing your sarong to snag like it’s doing battle with the rough end of velcro. Now that’d be helpful.
I have never, ever, ever wanted kids. I can’t have any, anyway, so that worked out really well for me. But reading your blog, I almost want kids. Almost!
I want to meet you! I also really want to buy diapers right now and put them in the toilet or tub or fountain and watch them explode with blue crystal stuff. Hahahaha!!!!
AV Flox’s last blog post..The Real Traveler’s Secret
I would click over and look at the site but it is a well known fact that websites that carry swimsuits run away from me screaming in horror.
I think I give them a virus, or something and
I’m pretty much blackballed across the internet at this point.
I blame it on the fact that I have the muscle-tone of headcheese.
Sigh.
Loralee’s last blog post..By: Mike
As I sell fruit for a living I can now officially add “swimwear” as appropriate work attire to our employee handbook, but only if it has passed the “apple test.” Thanks for the tip. Initiative to update employee handbook has now been presented to the board.
fruitlady’s last blog post..My Kind of Woman
I am probably going to go to hell for it, but I had a good laugh
at your expenseat your story. It is pretty nasty when I see kids at the shore with a regular diaper all full of (what I HOPE) is water.Oh, and *wink* to you.
Daddy Joe’s last blog post..Daddyus Dorkus is in the house!
Yeah, that happened to me too. Not the sticky eye thing, but the diaper thing. (By the way, maybe you should have that looked at, you know, the eye thing.) But, it wasn’t the exact same situation. Of course not, because that would be totally trippy, but a very similar situation in which I dealt with the horrifying blue, crystally, jelly toxic shit they put in diapers. And to think we are all fine with putting those onto our babies butts! OK, not really fine, because it would be much better if they just came out potty trained, right from the womb.
PS, thank God my children are out of the diaper stage!!
Bunnie’s last blog post..Mini Me
This might be your best post ever!
perksofbeingme’s last blog post..Trust.
They don’t have the “put on 70 lbs” test, which is what I need.
Suebob’s last blog post..Life Hints
rotflmao
Ok, my 3rd (AND LAST) child – the one currently in diapers – seems to be a magnet for that gel shit. Either he has an abnormally large bladder and therefore expels gallons of pee overnight, or, the more expensive diapers suck just as much as the cheapo diapers. I dunno.
Dawn @ Coming to a Nursery Near You’s last blog post..LOL
Have had the unfortunate luck to experience the gel-like nastiness that comes along with a saturated diaper. AND…had a boob make an unexpected appearance at the beach…BUT I did not feel it pop out! LOVELY!
Can you say Tara Reid? Except for the fresh boob job…..mine are too saggy not to be real!
TMI?
Queen of the Mayhem’s last blog post..Sleepover Pics
How could there be a post about fruit and swimwear and no one mentioned melons?
I’m dying laughing here! I’ve so been there (not exactly there, but close enough to be dying laughing). My tongue is all swollen right now from allergies (long story), and it hurts to talk, but I had to read this post to my boyfriend, because I was already dying laughing and he was looking at me crazy! LOL!! Literally ROFLMAO!!!
Christine’s last blog post..I Just Love Awards!
I’d still look like fat pear holding an orange, if I were so inclined to do so whilst wearing a swimsuit, which I’m not, so I guess it’s a moot point.
Perhaps if I stood there holding a watermelon, people might be less inclined to stare at the bands of hanging cellulite which cling to my thighs like bugs to spiderwebs.
Nope, on second thought I’d have to hold something bigger than a watermelon and I don’t know any fruit bigger than watermelons.
Auds at Barking Mad’s last blog post..To Swear or Not to Swear?
The fruit test is supposed to be for the male swimsuit, because if they look like they are ’smuggling’ fruit then it is a bad suit.
immortal woman’s last blog post..Poor Old Fat Cat
That sounds like a funnier version of a day in my life. Ever accidently throw a diaper in the washing machine? That’s fun.
kimblahg’s last blog post..have lunch on me
As long as it’s only water, the gel stuff is sorta cool. And it’s outside the house. We should petition that site for the ‘knuckle sandwich to boob’ test to test the potential for floppage.
Jim’s last blog post..Bad Omen
Perhaps if I spent more time holding fruit instead of say, a jelly donut, I would look better in a swimsuit.
Is it considered child abuse to let your child wade in a stream with a regular diaper on, just to see the look of horror on his face when it starts expanding? Because I have totally never done that. It was a friend of mine. Yeah. A friend.
Missie’s last blog post..Back In the Saddle…Again
At least it was your boob and not your ass cheek. Although, ass cheeks don’t have nipples. So, depend on where your line gets drawn for ‘embarrassing’ it could go either way. Personally, I would have pointed out to my daughter that some day, I’d punch her boob out of her suit. Just as a thank you. You know? That’s what moms are for.
califmom’s last blog post..Sarah Palin Keeping You Up Nights?
you’ve really researched that swimsuit website, no? Did you ever find one that would keep your boob in cuz the nasty crystally jelly stuff ruined my last suit! We go on vacation in 3 weeks and I could use it! Oh yeah, it must also pass the grapefruit test!
THAT would be a real swimsuit test.
It’s a pity my dog didn’t choose a swim diaper to ingest when she went attacked and killed a diaper as if it were a small rodent last year. Because if she’d chosen a swim diaper, we wouldn’t have had to spend $400 at the vet getting her feverish self flushed of its ever-expanding-gel contents. Damn super-absorbent diapers. Only people who refuse to change their children’s diapers more than once a day need diapers that absorbent. Do all of us, our dogs, and our swimsuits a favor, Devil Diaper Makers, and cut back on the gel filling!
MommyTime’s last blog post..Do You Blog Nosh?
It does my heart good to read your blog daily.
I’m standing up and looking down at my monitor, playing the “Stretch Test” for all the different suits in hopes that NOT having a flat panel will let me sneak a peak at some boobies.
Please God, Let not upgrading work in my favor just once.
Kurt’s last blog post..An Open Letter to My Loudmouth Co-worker
It could have been worse: Your kids could have pooped in the pool. Mommies are the true work horses of the world!!!
I just laughed so hard while I was reading this out to loud to the Palinode that I cried so hard I couldn’t read, and now I have a headache from the tension of trying to read out loud while choking back snot. Thank you.
schmutzie’s last blog post..I Am Pressed For Time
Personally, I will buy a single item of swimwear unless I’m sure I’ll look amazing holding an apple.
Hmm, that gel crystal stuff is really weird. A ‘friend’ of mine thought it was hilarious to send me a free incontinence pad sample.
I thought it was funny too. Until my younger brother decided to ‘test’ the pad by pouring water on it until it could hold no more, then throwing it at me. It shattered into a zillion little gel crystal things upon impact. And of course, he managed to record this all on his camera phone.
Cross your fingers that he isn’t cruel enough to post that on the internet.
Dear Catherine’s brother: I will pay you $11 if you send me that video.
Ok. You’re really scaring me now.
Rhea’s last blog post..Out of the Box – UPDATED
Okay, so I’m willing to hold any fruit in public with the exception of a banana. (This rule applies whether I’m wearing swimwear or not)
jenboglass (steenkybee)’s last blog post..A Life Lesson For Henry
This was both totally relatable and totally hilarious.
Danielle’s last blog post..My little songbird
one more reason i prefer cloth diapers: diaper gel is NASTY.
and dude.. i always carry around fruit when i’m donning swimwear..makes my own ‘fruit’ less noticeable.. iykwim.
(and yes, i’m winking at you)
ChurchPunkMom’s last blog post..Passing it on..
I obviously don’t have kids, or else I’d know better, but I never knew that was gel in the diapers. I always just thought it was squishy from poo.
Hah! Learn something knew every day.
Mermanda’s last blog post..I’m all about making your dreams come true
Oh dear lord you made my day. That. Was awesome. So awesome I had to email just about everyone in my address book this post cause I have never had a diaper burst on me to expose the cancerous crystals. Not even once.
OHmommy’s last blog post..Diapers in exchange for advice.
That was hilarious. The story, I mean, not the site. The site would be much more interesting if the models actually had boobs… as it is, the tests don’t do you much if you’re an actual grown up woman.
My brother (who has kids about the same age as mine) tossed a wet diaper to his wife only it exploded, blasting that gel stuff all over the place. I don’t recall what it was wet with…
Wow.
Shades’s last blog post..Right up there with Rick Springfield!
That was the funniest run-on sentence I have ever witnessed. Still laughing!
Susan’s last blog post..I QUIT THIS JOB!!!
Here’s my theory. The crystal gel stuff is really alien shit. Tiny aliens live inside diapers because they are soft and warm and moist and that’s the kind of environment where tiny aliens thrive, and they leave tiny gel-like turds before they sneak off into, well, I don’t really want to know where. I mean, considering that they reside inside warm, moist diapers it’s not entirely out of the realm of possibility that they’re crawling up little baby asses and doing God knows what in there.
Or possibly they are eggs. Maybe tiny sasquatch eggs?
Also, I made all of that up. But aliens DO really scare the shit out of me.
bejewell’s last blog post..You Know You Do It Too
OMG!! OMG OMG ROTF!! This killed me. I actually cried and tried hard not to wet myself, and then I read it to the Aftermath, who also got giggly. Too funny.
Double Agent Girl’s last blog post..Arrest
Is there a male swimsuit test? I am particularly interested in the “fruit salad” test.
Lisa Wicklund’s last blog post..Predator vs Prey
Diaper couscous is THE WORST.
Swistle’s last blog post..Winner, and New Technology Needed Pls
Soooo…you don’t shop at the farmer’s market in your bikini? I mean, doesn’t everyone?
Kelly’s last blog post..Listy McListerson
Lesley’s comment is awesome. I vote for her I vote for her. Although, I think I would make her hold an orange on her blog to give her a shout out.
And the inside of a diaper fascinates me. Unless there is actually human fluids or excrements in it. Then it disgusts me.
KEEP BELIEVING
Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING’s last blog post..The miracle of Gavin
Persomally, I’d like to see them add the exploding diaper test. Let’s see if they can hold a smile through that.
Steve’s last blog post..A Linux Laptop in 157 Easy Steps
I would like to see what these suits look like on a woman who’s had a couple of kids. She still has a pregnant tummy and stretchmarks. She is sobbing from postpartum depression while polishing off a bacon double-cheeseburger and a hot fudge brownie sundae.
Now, what the hell is “fruit” anyway?
Trish’s last blog post..Shock the monkeys
Did you ever take your kid to the pool bathroom and have to peel your clammy wet bathing suit off so you could pee, and while you were concentrating on squatting over the toilet trying not to touch your bare ass skin to the toilet seat while still managing to aim your pee into the bowl, your kid tried to breastfeed off of you, and it caught you so off-guard you peed on your own feet and then thought, “Oh, well, at least I’m going back in the pool.”?
Um, me neither.
Huh. When I clicked on “apple test”, she picked up a mango.
And who plays frisbee or ball like THAT? People afraid to fall out of their suits – that’s who! The only test that made any sense at all was the jump test.
Sayre’s last blog post..On the Road with Mom, Dad, and Naggy Maggy
OMG, I’m in hysterics. My husband was all, “What’s your problem?” and I tried reading it to him, but I started crying.
I once got a bogus pack of diapers, where every diaper had a small slash in it, thus releasing the crystal goo everytime it was slightly peed in. Made that discovery at Pizza Hut, as my daughter left a trail of cancerous breadcrumbs about the restaurant. Nice.
Sarah at themommylogues’s last blog post..And so it begins.
I thought the crystal jelly diaper stuff was that “DO NOT EAT” silica gel stuff one time and almost freaked and called Poison Control because I didn’t know where it had come from. I say “one time” like it was three years ago. It was yesterday.
The Husband’s last blog post..The Big Ten
I just read Swistle’s comment about diaper “couscous”. Yummy.
Weird! CommentLuv grabbed a pretty old post.
Oh well.
Trish’s last blog post..All apologies
damn. i was writing earlier about what makes me happy. forgot to add reading your blog!
MomsReality’s last blog post..How quickly they grow
OMG. I am so in love. If I was gay and if I thought there was any chance that you were too or at least mildly bicurious I would so propose to you right now. Was that one sentence? Are you like the Faulkner of blogging?
And yo, the fruit test to me also meant putting it inside the bathing suit. Wait. Is it bathing suit or swimsuit? Bathing suit sounds so Victorian. Down to the knees. I think we need to return to that. Okay I am done now. See you in my if-I-was-gay dreams!
New Age Bitch’s last blog post..Sing along with the Bitch: Creating Your Reality
O.M.G.
I died. Laughing.
Lawsuit’s in the mail.
LOL
thedemigod’s last blog post..A Post on Privilege
That swimsuit “test” site is quite possibly the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen. (Thanks for sharing it. For some strange reason, I like things like this, that make me angry). And it’s in “Women’s Health” magazine? Wha???
Beth’s last blog post..Titles With No Posts
Laughed til I cried. Think I may be in love with you!
QponCutie’s last blog post..Win 2 Free Years of All You Magazine!
LMAO at your kid punching your boob. And that jelly shit is so weird. Did you know that stray dogs like to eat it? Yea me neither.
Tiffany’s last blog post..Google Analytics I Love You
My personal tests include the lift bosom off of waist line test and the conceal double jelly roll belly test. But the most handy is the “Is there enough room to conceal and securely hold my cell phone in the molded cups bra” test.
clickmom’s last blog post..plastique
Wow, just wow. Keep waiting for somebody to explain to me what the hell this means. Fruit test? Wha?
But yeah, diaper exploding and jelly/crystals everywhere? Done that!
anna’s last blog post..This is not a Saturday Night Live Skit, I Swear, But it Might Be Next Week
Okay, seriously? I am a bad, bad person.
Or at least very un-PC.
Or just always in a bizarre mindset whenever I come over here and read your blog!
Because my first thought on the “fruit test” was how it would look on a drag queen.
I kid you not.
I blame this on touring Zappos.com over the weekend and walking by the aisle that had shoes lined up all along the cube walls that were drag-queen sized pumps. Nice pumps. Heck, stunning pumps. Just on the overly large scale.
Sasquatch-sized pumps. Not mini-sasquatch.
Have I mentioned how much I love this blog post? Oh. Well. Yeah. I totally do.
Because I was laughing really hard at the diaper section and then remembered that this parenting stuff is totally serious business. Totally.
((hug)) love ya sister!
GeekMommy’s last blog post..Are You Smarter Than an Editor?
Hilarious!
I can picture this happening to me, except after punching out my boob, my 20 month old would reach up and start nursing. Nice.
Ah, so that was you in the bathroom! Figures!!
If only. I would have died laughing.
vivzan’s last blog post..Shove it up your investment fund!
Oh I totally get it because I ALWAYS carry around fruit while i’m wearing my bathing suit.
duh.
soooo weird.
Maxie’s last blog post..I have a wish.
OMG. Wow. That’s fucking hilarious. I actually had to take a break while reading that because I was laughing so hard I wasn’t comprehending anything you said. And then I came back and I was still laughing. Woman, you slay me!
Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Tuesday Trivia: Definitions
I’d like to see how grapefruits look stuffed into the swimsuit top. And perhaps a cucumber in the swimsuit bottom. If nothing else, it’d be highly amusing.
I’m almost laughing too damn hard to comment. But in the interests of public service, I feel I must add: Another useful (albeit too late to help me) test would be the “wakeboarding in a 2-piece” test. Just sayin’.
WaltzInExile’s last blog post..Over herd in the Haute
Geez Louise, I had no idea that diapers had bluish crystally-jelly in them. Maybe you can recycle the diapers and use the blue stuff to clean your pool.
Grey Street Girl’s last blog post..The Swear Jar Commercial
OK, I am old. My kids were little when Pampers were brand new and none of them had blue crystal stuff inside them. Now I have to go borrow a baby and buy some diapers…thanks, Jenny.
Sandy’s last blog post..A llama, a llama, my kingdom for a llama
They really should have a “does this show too much of my pubic hair” test on this website? That’s generally my main concern…maybe they could call it the grass test or the “this girl needs to go get waxed ASAP” test. I think I went too far with this comment…haha
gingela5’s last blog post..Have You Ever…
Um….the fruit test huh? I am sure some man just wanting the “testers” to bend over invented that one.
So sorry about the diaper thing….but you are so hilarious! I am still laughing!
Good luck with the sticky eye thing!
Anjie’s last blog post..I’m annoyed too (Updated)
I love the fruit test because it gives you an idea of how you’d look right before you got expelled from the garden of eden. Except I guess you’d be naked. How come they don’t show that?
Marinka’s last blog post..Pass the Mustard
That should teach you to leave something as important as swim diapers up to Victor. Men just don’t get it do they? They just think that a diaper is a diaper. But NO! It is really a bathing suit emergency in disguise.
Headless Mom’s last blog post..WOMM-Tuesday Crock Pot Edition
I love your blog so much.
Maria’s last blog post..tuesday morning, you sure look fine
oh my. i can’t figure out if i’m crying or laughing right now. i’m forwarding you to my husband. who, by the way, has never forgotten littlest’s swim diaper but has attempted to feed her a dog treat while hopped up on pain meds from a severely strained back. apparently she was standing next to the dog & he aimed for the wrong mouth? not real sure. perhaps it’s a man thing.
brandi’s last blog post..coincidence…?
Now see, a much more useful test would be the “Drop Test” commonly applied to
lingierelingerelingire fuckitnighties. With the garment held at approximately shoulder height, release it with both hands simultaneously and observe how gracefully it falls to the floor, and how appealing it is once it has come to rest. A properly designed item should float gently to earth, and the very best will “accordion” upon landing. The same benchmark should probably not be applied to swimwear however, given the great difference in material densities and aerodynamic properties. I would have to conduct exhaustive research to arrive at a suitable standard. Any volunteers and/or grant donors are welcome.Mojo’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: This Is Your Brain
This was AWESOME! I almost peed myself I laughed so hard!
um. so i already tried to post this but got some wacko message that said i was posting comments too fast & slow down which is funny as i don’t think i’ve ever commented you before.
anyhow…can’t figure out if i’m crying or laughing over here about your swim diaper debacle. i’m forwarding it to my husband right now. i can’t say that my husband has ever forgotten littlest’s swim diaper but he did try to feed her a dog treat one time while he was hopped up on pain meds for a severely strained back. apparently she was standing next to the dog & he chose the wrong mouth? not real sure there. men. can’t live with ‘em…can’t kill spiders without ‘em.
I think they just forgot to spread that gel stuff in the stretch test.
I was really glad you put this part in though: “the probably cancerous crystal-jelly” because I kept thinking of the diaper cancer the whole time until I got to that part.
Not that I’m cynical or paranoid or anything. But it probably does cause cancer, after all. Or liver disease. Or diabetes. Or secondary infertility. Or something.
I wonder if they sprayed some of that sticky stuff on their booties that the gymnasts use to get their leotards not to crawl up their butt?
Oh also just note to any teachers that are reading – somebody told me once that the fake snow that you can buy (Steve Spangler has it and not sure who else) to “teach” warm weather kids about snow is really the same stuff as the cancer-gel-crystals.
So you can cut open a diaper to dupe kids into thinking they’ve seen snow instead of buying those expensive kinds in a jar.
Jill/Twipply Skwood’s last blog post..Once Bitten, Twice…as ready to play with a different dog?
“men. can’t live with ‘em…can’t kill spiders without ‘em.”
OH NO BRANDI!!! Well there’s your problem right there!!!! You’re not ***SUPPOSED*** to kill spiders!!!!!! It’s bad luck & besides, who would eat the mosquitoes???? See? You’re all set now!
Very funny on the wrong mouth thing!
Wow. This brings new meaning to the phrase, “I don’t think you ready for this jelly.”
THAT’S what you should have yelled after neighborperson.
LMAO. Punched in the chesticles. I am your neighbor and based on this story I am so damn glad my husband is neutered.
Eeewww! I vividly recall going to get my daughter from her crib and finding her mouth covered in the crystally pellets from a leaky, bursting at the seams Pampers. That warranted a call to Poison Control AND Pampers. Apparently contents are harmless. Person on phone told me to wash my daughter’s face.
My youngest is 5…don’t miss the diaper doldrums. Pampers = good, Huggies or anything else = bad
Mom on the Run’s last blog post..Venting in 1, 2, 3
ok, now I’m regretting that pubic hair comment…that’s not really a problem–at least one I’m not freely ready to own up to at this moment in time…
gingela5’s last blog post..Have You Ever…
OMG! I am hurting from laughing so much! Oh my…that was too funny.
Jo~Jo’s last blog post..A Little Me Time
Um. The stuff in diapers is mystical and disgusting at once. And it does…just…keep…expanding.
Bridge’s last blog post..Rewind
Apology accepted.
Kile’s last blog post..Growing up
I just drooled wine and cried I was laughing so hard. Wine and tears mixed is…not that bad. I sense a new shooter in the making.
Personally I think the fruit test should have involved more throwing. As in, can this model swimsuit survive being pummelled with pineapples?
Keely’s last blog post..Angsty angst, and why can’t I win the lottery?
A warning to all childless gawking people.
Jenny, you are so funny!
Damselfly’s last blog post..Choosing the better part
The only thing I ever hold while in a swimsuit is a beer. Now why didn’t they have that test?
Shonda Little’s last blog post..The Cloud on the Rainbow
oh, dear bloggess, you never disappoint. thanks for the laugh. but i still want to know “why” the fruit test? WTF?
That was a milion kinds of awesome.
Kristi’s last blog post..You Go Girls!
I never would have thought to do the fruit test… brilliant! Maybe that’s why so many of my swim suits fail me once I actually wear them.
And here’s a gross little tidbit… one time my SIL forgot to pack diapers when they went to watch her oldest’s soccer game. Her youngest filled and filled and filled his one little diaper, until it was leaking out the sides and then, yeah, exploded the goo.
Pool water goo explosion? Pretty gross. PEE goo explosion? Absolutely disgusting.
Andrea’s Sweet Life’s last blog post..Food Poisoning or The Plague, You Be The Judge
OMG! This is hilarious! But me…..I’d be the one in the suit holding a Margarita!
bermudabluez’s last blog post..The Q-Tip Girls Go To Pampered Pooch!
Have you ever been so tired and strung out and not-wanting-to-be-at-the-beach that it takes you hours into the day to realize that your bathing suit is on inside out??
Nope. Me either.
Anissa@Hope4Peyton’s last blog post..Do I hear him now?
I was so hoping the word “boob” or some reference to breasts would appear and you did not disappoint. =) the true fruit test. well done!
SEO Hack’s last blog post..For The Record -
The swimsuit tester? Isn’t that soft porn like National Geographic used to be? I see no other use for it.
Excellent story! I know that nasty blue gel well. Not because I let the pee sit in the diaper so long it fell apart though. Nuh uh.
Can you image the hell that was that video shoot. I bet that director was ready to blow his nuts off after days of telling the models to pick up the apple “with feeling” one more time.
Lotta’s last blog post..Basement Blues With Earrings
Can’t… stop… watching… fruit test…
That was one funny post. Thanks for the laugh!
goodfather’s last blog post..Road rage
Seriously. We need to get blood tests done. And then go on that show here where they reunite long lost family members and they cry and stay over at each others trailers cause they find out they are finally related and dream of starting a commune for like minded people. Cause girl, that is the sort of shit that is in my head but I usually dump it on the person next to me on the bus. If I actually rode the bus, it is more of a bus in my head.
And the eye twitch? Yup. All the time. The doc tells me it is due to stress. I like to think it more my brain winking at my awesome self.
Kelley’s last blog post..Hi, how are you?
Ohhhh! I wanna see a watermelon in a bathing suit. Just because. Or some really prickly fruit.
I sound like a freak right now, don’t I?
ingrid’s last blog post..i’ve got nothing on this kid
I just woke the kid up with my insane loud laughter…
That whole diaper thing just flipping happened to me…and the orange-instead-of-the-apple thing too.
Don’t know which one was more embarassing…
dianna’s last blog post..In pictures…
I totally agree with Ingrid (so I guess I’m a freak too) watermelons and pineapples in bathing suits on parade!
And I can’t wink. Seriously. Both of my eyes close and then open at different times making me look like…hmm…I don’t know what. Just stupid I guess. But I could be all hot and trying to pick some guy up and try to wink and then he’d be like “What the hell is wrong with that hot girl’s eye?”
Except I’m not hot. And I’m married. So my husband would probably be pretty upset if I was not winking at some guy.
Kylie’s last blog post..Chased By A Midget
What the heck is that site about? The FRUIT test? Haha I am so confused. Americans are funny!
Katie’s last blog post..I’ve Gone Over to the Dark Side…
Oh, this made me laugh so hard. I needed it. Thanks!
Lilacspecs’s last blog post..I Really Don’t Know if I Can do This
Jenny
I think you are genius. I totally heart the way you think and write. I havent read a post yet that doesnt send me to change my panties for I pissed myself laughing yet again.
Ok not really .. but you get the idea.
Love
Madness
PS the exploding diaper at the public pool and it being hubbys fault and some young skinny single chick walking in and acting like *I* am a total jerk thing .. totally happened to me too. The boob punching thing..not so much. Sorry.
Madness’s last blog post..How we all got HOSED and taken from behind .. and I aint talkin the GOOD kind of taken from behind EITHER
Yet another reason why I’m not and never will be a parent!
Alex Fayle | Someday Syndrome’s last blog post..Fearfully Moving Forward
I need to see the Beer Test. And maybe the (related) Picking a Fight With Some Beach Hag test.
Gina’s last blog post..Runaround Sue
Yeah, thanks.
Husband just spent an awfully long time watching the “jump test.”
blackbird’s last blog post..three things I knew which should impress you
I would totally be prepared to pay $5 to see a sasquatch in a bathing suit.
Holding a kumquat.
Mr Farty’s last blog post..The Answer Is FUKTIFINO
This is some of the funniest shit I have read in a LONG time…
qt’s last blog post..Thirteen Miles
You are totally and awesomely crazy. I would love to take a backstage tour of your mind.
Is awesomely a word? Meh, It is now.
My kid didn’t punch the boob so it fell out.
Oh no. He pulled it out and squirted some guys head with it whilst we waited in a social security office.
Or, yanked my shirt down (exposing it again) so he could point and tell the waiter at Joe’s Crab Shack that they were “num-nums”.
*sigh*
becoming mommy’s last blog post..Where Manboobs Come from
Thank you Thank You Thank You, You make me laugh out loud.
Oh thank you! I needed that laugh this morning!
And those diapers are pretty absorbent, eh? Makes me wonder why we ever bother changing the wet ones if they can absorb that much fluid. I mean, think of the money we could save if we just let them absorb all day long!!
tracey’s last blog post..Troll #1
That is quite possibly the worst thing I’ve ever seen (the site you linked to, not your post- your post was genius).
They need more realistically shaped women doing the stretch test so we can see what falls out. Cause watching a skinny chick stretch while wearing a bikini is just lame. Lame, I tell you. And watching her pick up fruit was almost more than I could bear.
Wendy’s last blog post..Three Columns From Two
Hmm…you should suggest doing the grapes in the vagina swimsuit test, you could market 2 things at once…..
Karyn’s last blog post..Nothing to say
I carry a banana around in my bathing suit at all times.
Avitable’s last blog post..We have a WIENER!
This should at least be worth roughly $1.62.
Excellent, nevermind that the models are no where near my size or shape…how they look holding an apple will make me buy a swimsuit.
Kristine’s last blog post..I Dislike Ike
I hardly ever comment, because all I can ever think to say is “I Love You!!” and I’m pretty sure that would get awkward. After the 6th or 27th time. Maybe. Maybe I will just send you a secret code-love letter instead and just get it over with
Nice recap..were you spying on me this summer?
Fruit test? They should shove it in the bra cups to see what “size” would fit. Then I could simply jump to the “cantaloupe” option to shop. That would be helpful. And fun, to see fruit sticking out of bathing suits.
sassy stephanie’s last blog post..ya know i always have my eye on it…yet another how to
They never have fun tests like this for use guys. I’m thinking, Sporting Goods test. How do I look strecthing for this Frisbee? How do I look with this paddle ball stuck in my eye? Fun stuff.
always home and uncool’s last blog post..Greenbacks
They should show the models putting the various fruits in the tops of the bathing suits. Then I could decide if I need to get a boob job before I buy that particular suit!
And I just looked up and realized sassy stephanie had a very similar thought process…..
Lula’s last blog post..Book Review
I think apple test = asshead test in this case. You should spam them with asshead emails.
James’s last blog post..Today… WE WIN.
ROFLMAO… and I’m at work and I’m MAD at my boss, so I’m choking back the laughter so she won’t think I’m in a good mood and in ANY way trying to be nice to her…
Undomestic Diva’s comment at #9 was f’ing HILARIOUS as well.
Jenny, you are my hero and I heart you! This made my day.
i’m totally with you, no way she’d walk around with an orange. now if they had her pictured torching a southeastern college dorm with a flame thrower or topless working on a dragster… totally believeable
furiousball’s last blog post..days like this
I’m calling it right now; I’m going as the Bathing Suit Fruit Test Girl for Halloween. Trust.
Georgia’s last blog post..Writing Class Stories, II
Holy Hysterical Batman!!!!!
LOVE IT!
and so true….
Johanna’s last blog post..Help?
They should use stories like this in high school sex ed. Hell, I’m 25 and that makes me want to double check my birth control. (Hopefully I’ll be able to laugh at myself in the future when I begin the whole baby thing. Not sure if that made sense. Awesomely funny post though)
I’m a newcomer to the blog (thanks to Jen Lancaster), so thanks for pointing me to the mini-Sasquatch! I suspect it may be a zombie-mini-Sasquatch, though, based on how its furry arms are straight out in front. “Braaaaaaaaaains.”
Lori’s last blog post..Dream, Believe… Succeed?
I’d like to see that web site do a “how long does it take to wiggle back into this suit when it’s wet” or maybe even the “sand retention factor”.
While holding fruit, of course.
miss thystle’s last blog post..And let’s not ever do it again.
You are too funny as always. And you totally have me looking for little sasquatch’s in every photo I see now a days. Thanks. Like I really have time to scour every photo I see. I am sure it is not good for my eyes. Can I send you my optometrist bill? I dont know if I spelled optometrist right? I dont think I did. Or is it optomotrist? I dont know?
Freaking HILARIOUS! and that site? totally useless. I don’t need to see some scrawny b!t(h in a swimsuit.. I need to know what me and all my flab look like – oozing out the sides of the swimsuit.
AWESOME! I’m always bummed that the stores never have a selection of fruit for me to test drive the suit with and I’m sick of the salesgirls giving me “The Look” when I ask for a peach. I’ll be shopping at this website from now on.
Melissa’s last blog post..Birthday Round Up
Wow, that story is classic. Kinda makes me want to send my daughter into the pool with a regular diaper, just to see it for myself, lifeguards be damned.
Besides, those f’ing swim diapers cost like a dollar each.
And apologize away– the more you talk, the funnier it gets.
LiteralDan’s last blog post..Book Review: I Went Walking
Is it just me or did they out the fucking fruit test and replaced it with “towel test”???
I wanted to see some oranges, damnit!
thedemigod’s last blog post..A Post on Privilege
Being a married man i figured out the fruit test if you picture yourself holding (insert disgusting object here) lose the smile and say “what the hell is this?”
Unrelated, but have you ever accidentally washed a diaper in the washing machine with a load of clothes or towels? It is not pretty. I’m convinced that those gel crystals were invented by Satan. Because nothing destroys them.
blissfully caffeinated’s last blog post..You Say It’s Your Birthday, Well It’s My Birthday Too, Yeah
I like the stretch test, but the site really needs a jumping in place test or an “oops, I dropped this dollar on the floor, I better bend over and pick it up” test. As it is, I’ll probably only sit and look at the different suits for a couple of hours.
Andy’s last blog post..More things I believe in…
oh, wait, nevermind! There is a jump rope test later on. And the candy test for the same suit is a nice addition…
OMG you make me laugh! Sorry that happened to you in real life, but dang it makes a good story!
Stacy’s last blog post..For the baby boy
1. Here’s your science lesson for today. The stuff in diapers is a polymer. Same concept as what makes up super bouncy balls and slime. So being covered in the stuff is akin to being slimed on “You Can’t Do That on Television.”
1 1/2. Breaking news…Clay Akin is gay.
B. If anyone else already explained the whole polymer deal you need to totally ignore them and pretend that I am the only genius you know. I don’t have time to read 146 other comments. Someone (I won’t name names) is busy activating her polymers and needs a diaper change.
Tres. http://www.ycdtotv.com/ You’re welcome.
Four. I think you need to start wearing dark glasses everywhere so ladies don’t think you are winking at them. This is called “The Grandpa Revenge”.
E. Longest comment EVAH!!!!!
One, that website is interesting. Two, I never knew what was inside diapers. That is kind of interesting.
zandor’s last blog post..Blurp
So if you ARE winking, how are we to know?
Miss Grace’s last blog post..And another one turns 27
repulsed and fascinated all at the same time ….yeah…that’s me.
another reason to use cloth diapers.
no icky weird fascinating blue crystal stuff.
jen’s last blog post..the funnies.
Cut that fruit up and stick it on the side of a pina colada and it would make a hell of a lot more sense.
Athena’s last blog post..How to look totally crazy just to win a camera – in three easy steps!
I think this was one of your best posts ever, especially when you get to the part about it really happening to you because I was getting pretty suspicious that you were talking about yourself. HOW hilarious! Two kids later thank goodness that never happened to me, but I could relate to the story, so maybe it did happen to me but I can’t remember because I blocked it from my brain. I did however try to use swim diapers when we were out of regular pull ups and that didn’t work out well at all. HA! The stuff you learn when you have kids is amazing!
Shoegirl’s last blog post..Watch Out SJP/Carrie Bradshaw
I never know exactly what to say after reading your posts because I have so many images in my mind that weren’t there before…
Have you ever done stand-up comedy?
oh, see – i thought this post was going to be about clay aiken. dang.
Jen’s last blog post..weekend camp-out
Whilst I did not almost pee myself, I found this very amusing. I have been diapering for a while and have never seen this fancy diaper gelatin. Your diapering frightens and confuses me. You have painted a strangely maternarotic picture.
My dad failed to change me into a swim diaper once. When mine was full-to-bursting, I climbed up one of those triangular antennas (antenni?) and got stuck half way up our house. Picture that. A one year old in a bloated diaper stuck 10 feet off the ground in the middle of the antenna. Try convincing the neighbours we aren’t rednecks then.
Jen O.’s last blog post..It’s your civic duty
The bathing suit test idea is a great concept, though!
There should be tests for:
(1) whether you can sit on a slatted pool chair without having the swimsuit go up either crack (front or back)
(2) whether you can wear a swimsuit top one size too small (cuz it makes your rack look good) and get a beer out of a cooler without your boob falling out
(3) whether the suit will stay on while you’re carrying a watermelon (shout out to previous commenter Ingrid)
Re: PPPS–you must be wearing too much mascara, Tammy Faye
See, this is why I come back and read the comments. I missed the jump rope test the first time, but hell, that skinny bitch needs to eat a few bars of candy.
Mr Farty’s last blog post..The Answer Is FUKTIFINO
omg! You are soooo freaking funny. You are my new best friend! No, really you are. People will ask, “hey what are you doing tonight?” and I’m like, “oh I’m gonna hang out with Jenny from the blog”.
I think the stretch test needs to be a little more vigorous. I mean how else am I supposed to know if my boobs will pop out when doing jumping jacks (because I do jumping jacks in bikinis a lot). And what if I bend over to pick something up and that sucker rides up baring my butt cheeks.
I mean c’mon if you’re going to do tests. Lets do some TESTS for fucks sake.
WM’s last blog post..The furry member of our family
This made me snort. I don’t normally snort while laughing. Priceless.
Ashley’s last blog post..Can we get a collective “AWW”?
OMG, just died laughing. Seriously. I don’t have a kid and had no clue that could happen. But it is way to freakin funny.
Kellie’s last blog post..So Funny I Snorted
Maybe they include the apple because it is “Women’s Health” Magazine and they had to relate something in it to health, so they threw in an apple.
Neil’s last blog post..Are Mojitos Gay?
OMG, that bathing suit site is crazy! I like the “pail” test where she just walks around with it and holds the shovel up. Ummm…build a sand castle in that suit bitch and see how it holds up!
So I swear I checked your blog just before I went to bed last night and there was nothign new here, and suddenly there’s an entirely new post with seventy bajillion comments and I’m wondering how that happened. It’s like your most recent post leapt into some kind of wormhole in the spacetime continuum and only popped up again just now. Only then all of the commenters must have had access which leads me to ponder yet again why nobody tells me anything, including how to get into the spacetime continuum wormholes where your posts hide until they’re ripe, and I just feel like nobody loves me anymore and I’d like a hug, please. And maybe an eclair.
Then again, I could be high.
Hi.
Sallyacious’s last blog post..Yesterday? Kicked My Ass
I’m sure I can’t add anything that hasn’t already been said by the masses ahead of me other than to just chime in on how the lack of overall periods in that post made me feel strangely calm and as if I was being snuggled in a warm embrace or perhaps a downy comforter on a cold winter’s night and if it were a winter’s night then I wouldn’t have any business wearing a swimming suit which is good because swimming suits and I do not get along even though we’ve tried we just don’t and, really, the same goes for fruit and me, even though a frozen grapes are good from time to time, so now I will go see if any of these testers are man-handling a grape in their jaunty suits. Thank you.
for a different kind of girl (FADKOG)’s last blog post..i’ll tumble for ya
Thanks so much! This Mama really needed that. Glad these things don’t just happen to me. (wipes tears from laughing so hard) Damn! So me! I sent a few too many diapers through the wash in my extreme fatigue. Talk about a mess… they are fine until you try to remove them from the washer and explode… even after the spin cycle… good times.
I try to skip swim suit season totally–but in Texas its hard. My guy must be blind–cause he proposed AFTER seeing me in a swimsuit. 4 kids later. It wasnt pretty. I am a lucky, lucky, luck girl (thats how they say it on Sponge Bob)!~
Martie’s last blog post..Not Mistress Of My Domain…
I’m relatively new to your blog and haven’t commented before, but I had to note that this post had me rolling in laughter. I love love love your tangents. /end Jenny worship here.
You’re awesome. I love your posts.
I don’t think this is amusing at all. In fact, I am printing this post out to serve as a reminder to my husband of “Look what could happen!” since he seems to think a regular diaper would suffice in a swimming pool. He’ll complain that nothing will happen and I will point to this post and tell him, “Well, the Bloggess’s husband did it and look what happened to her!” And then he’ll point out that he doesn’t have boobs, but by then, he’ll just be comparing apples and oranges.
Sprite’s Keeper’s last blog post..JONAS BROTHERS!!!!!!
They should also do the “DDs + deep V halter suit + BIG-ASS WAVE” test. Mine failed. Luckily I had a friend with exceptionally sensitive hooter radar standing right next to me and he popped my boob back in before I even knew what had happened. I laughed my ass off. That suit failed on another level too… as my friend and I sat on the sand and let the waves wash over our legs…. the lining of the suit filled with sand! When I stood up I looked like I’d either laid an egg or taken a shit. I’m not sure which I prefer. I had to wade out far enough for the water to conceal my lady goods and turn the crotch of the suit inside out, stretch it, and shake. It looked very classy, I’m sure… and I wan’t 100% certain I wasn’t giving a free hoohoo show. I haven’t worn it since…. but then… I haven’t gone anywhere swimsuit-worthy since.
what IS that gel, anyway. and why does it turn blue.
i hate that type of neighbor.
amyz5’s last blog post..Taxicab Confessions
No pressure, but I think you may be one of the funniest people on earth. !!!!
Haley-O’s last blog post..Sore Thumb in Chichi-Ville
Lucky. Your boob fell out. If it were mine, it would have UNFOLDED out. Not. Kidding.
I’m only 35. I don’t have “boobs”, its more like I have 2 extra long tube socks – each containing approximately 2/3 cup of sand.
jennyonthespot’s last blog post..You can quote me on this, but link and trackback, cuz I’m all about watching my authority grow on Technorati.
I think its kinda funny that they demonstrate some one in a swimsuit doing everything BUT SWIMMING
Kim’s last blog post..Forget Disarming- I’m Disrobing!!!
I don’t know… I personally look a little pudgy when I stand there and hold apples while in my bikini. Could just be me?
Lacey’s last blog post..Wordful Wednesday- flash in your rear
I’ve been having a similar problem with my eyes recently – one of the lids refuses to stay open. Makes me look like I am winking all the time. Or else I wear an eye patch, which makes me look like a pirate.
Oh, and I think you set a new world’s record for the longest run-on sentence ever. You ought to submit that to Guiness. Or just get a six-pack for tonight.
~EdT.
Ed T.’s last blog post..Needed: Political Advisor. Possession of common-sense a requirement
did you know that the gel in those diapers will start on FIRE if you put it in the microwave. I was shocked that there weren’t any warnings on the diaper packaging regarding this hazard.
Right, except that most people wouldn’t microwave diapers.
jennie’s last blog post..From the Archives: Bednarek Edition
I came back to re-read…and hope…still doesn’t make sense…
Rhea’s last blog post..En Passant
um, who the heck microwaves diapers?
Rhea’s last blog post..En Passant
Pity. I had something else in mind entirely for the “ball test.”
The first experience I had with those gel ball things from diapers, I was totally freaked out and thought my son’s pee had crystallized into gel balls. They were stuck to his bum and his upper legs and his junk, and I was like, how hell do I get this stuff off???
Into the tub he went.
Who knew diapers were so mysterious.
Janine’s last blog post..It’s official. My kid is a genius.
Diapers in the pool? Meh. The collective pee just makes the water warmer.
Why is it ALWAYS the childless neighbor who walks in? And is she hiding a pineapple in her hindquarters?
JCK’s last blog post..I believe my Mound of Venus has been RIPPED OFF
haha…if I had 2% body fat like those girls, I could probably do any test too and have the suits look good on me! the super-smiley one really got on my last nerve.
Claudia’s last blog post..morning
Oh my…I haven’t laughed that hard since your post on the midgets from Wizard of Oz. I have totally been there with the diaper situation and the kidless onlookers who have no clue what life entails! Power to the reproducers!
Thanks for making me laught today while at work – which is totally the most boring day of my entire life.
Mia’s last blog post..Another year bites the dust
So funny! Still trying to figure out if I have ever held fruit while holding a diaper. Hmmmm. No.
Have only seen that diaper gel stuff a few times. Yuck!
Susan’s last blog post..My “friend” has come to visit!!
That whole feature freaks me out, it reminds me of the newspaper Harry Potter reads. Where the people in the pictures were sort of trapped in the paper, repeating the same action over and over.
Also, having spent WAY too much time over there, I have to say that the Pail test for the Next by Athena suit is totally biased because she’s also carrying a shovel.
xoxo, SG
thank you for linking to that site; I spent way too much time last night watching the cleaning hunks, and this seems to have restored my heterosexuality.
jdg’s last blog post..Rage against Mr. Clean
Still say it is a beaver. If Bigfoot were tiny that would defeat the purpose of the whole “BIG” thing.
Dang y’all.
Houston’s last blog post..I Couldn’t Make This Stuff Up
It seems I tell you this all the time, but one never tires of hearing compliments, does one?
You are a fucking genius.
I’m sorry the blue jelly explosion happened to you.
Thank you for writing about it and making my laugh so hard I almost peed.
Julie @ the calm before the stork’s last blog post..nosherai
HA! I can one up that. Not only did you make me pee a little, DANG IT JENNY! Your story made me pee a lot. Like urinary tract infection lot.
I went down the hall, climbed on my bosses desk, unzipped and while I was dousing him with a liberal amount of my kidney’s by products I was telling him about the post.
Uhhh, BTW. You might get a call from someone…
And… I might need another job. Unless he’s into that. Then I DEFINITELY need another job.
Houston’s last blog post..Tracking My Time
ok, I slowed down and re-read it the post…slowly and put in my own paragraph breaks…and NOW I GET IT!!
This post makes more sense.
Took me long enough, I know. I’m not retarded, really.
Rhea’s last blog post..En Passant
This is the most random thing I’ve read today!
Melissa’s last blog post..Best buddies
I’m running to the store to buy blue gel-filled diapers and dunk em in water to see what happens. This is better than waiting for sea monkeys to appear (they never did).
If you’re going to conduct a fruit test for swimwear, shouldn’t the fruit be melons? I’m just saying.
Still laughing my ass off 15 minutes later. I think this may be your best post yet.
Gina’s last blog post..Fiestas Patrias Dinner Downsized
I think I posted my comment for this post on the other one with the vaginas and assheads. Now the story about Snow White and the geriatric dwarf and the diaper makes more sense. Why am I so amazing?!
JL’s last blog post..Sometimes I work… again
You are being featured on Five Star Friday:
http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2008/09/five-star-friday-edition-25.html
schmutzie’s last blog post..My Belly: No Longer The White Elephant
That reminds me of the time I washed a Pull-Up in the clothes washer. Oy. That was a mess.
Gretchen’s last blog post..Friday already?
I love you so very, very much that I don’t even care that you made me snarf my coffee all over my favorite pants. Yes, I know they’re kind of giving me a little camel toe, but I’M OKAY WITH IT and you should be too. It could be moose knuckle, after all: http://www.jonco48.com/blog/moose_20knuckle.jpg
I think if they would have had the model holding a watermelon it might have simulated your post at least in weight!
How come something as random as this post gets 201 comments?! haha I love it!
gingela5’s last blog post..Ok, Stop Me If You’ve Heard This One…
I’ve given you an award. It’s not an Emmy or even worth any money, but it’s yours. Get your speech ready and head on over to my place.
jenboglass (steenkybee)’s last blog post..Hooked on a Feeling…And Several Blogs
That is a crazy site.
I accidentally washed a dispossible diaper. It was not fun. Try to get all the jelly out of the washer was a total bitch.
Jen, buried with children’s last blog post..Lets Bake: Caramel Apple Cheescake
What’s up with the toddler boob beatdown? I discovered a huge-assed bruse on my right tata today. It looks totally hawt when I wear something low-cut in that trampy “my man beats me” kind of way.
Tranny Head’s last blog post..The Curse of the Curls
i splooshed everywhere when i read this.
you are my hero.
can i be you when i grow up?
and about the bathing suits…
i wore my bikini backwards at an amusment park all day once, and had to endure my friends telling me to “tuck them back in”
i would call that an epic fail.
You already have 207 comments. If you actually read all of these, I would be seriously impressed.
Anyway, that story nearly made me piss my pants.
I totally read all of them. I’m OCD that way.
I’M NOT FUNNY AT ALL BUT WOULD TOTALLY LOVE TO MUNCH ON SOME BBQ BUGS, PLEASE.
(I’m a poor college student, it’s probably the best meal I’ll get this week…)
i showed it to the hubby, he said it’s “sexy” and he’ll look at it “later”…so i bookmarked it for him, cause i love him that way…
Jamie’s last blog post..Something Bright and Cheery
I was laughing so hard when I read this I couldn’t leave a comment the first time I read it. I read it again tonight and made my husband read it… we both laughed our asses off and later he asked me if I wanted to put on my bikini and hold his banana.
Thanks a lot.
Sam (The Edge OF Insanity)’s last blog post..Fire Ants, 2008
I haven’t had my boob fall out yet, but now that my kids have sucked the life out of them I expect it to happen at any time.
NATUI’s last blog post..My Only Political Post