You Searched For: elf on the shelf

Will a signed copy of my book one day be worth one million dollars? Almost probably.

So, I was asked to sign some collector copies of FURIOUSLY HAPPY for people who wanted a signed book but didn’t want to go to a signing and I said I’d do it, but then I got a draft of the signing page and it said something like, “This limited, signed, 1st edition has been specially bound” and it felt like it was missing something, so I scrawled “IN HUMAN SKIN” on the bottom and sent it back.  Then a month later I got to sign the actual books:

inhumanskin

I fucking love my job.

Lots of indie bookstores will have collector signed copies available so if you want one just check this list for your local store and then call or email to pre-order:

AL: Alabama Booksmith, Homewood * Capitol Book & News CO, Montgomery * Little Professor Book Center, Homewood
AZ: Antigone Books, Tucson  * Changing Hands Bookstore, Tempe * University Of Arizona Bookstore, Tucson
CA: Vroman’s Bookstore, Pasadena * A Great Good Place, Oakland * Alexander Book CO, San Francisco * Book Seller, Grass Valley * Book Shop West Portal, San Francisco * Books Inc, San Francisco * Bookshop Santa Cruz, Santa Cruz Chaucers Books, Santa Barbara * Copperfield’s Books, Sebastopol * Gallery Bookshop, Mendocino * Green Apple Books, San Francisco * Haight Booksmith, San Francisco * Kepler’s 2020, Menlo Park * Readers’ Books, Sonoma * Skylight Books, Los Angeles * Warwicks, La Jolla
CO: Book Shop of Fort Collins, Fort Collins * Bookies, Denver * Bookworm of Edwards , Edwards  * Boulder Bookstore * Tattered Cover Book Store, Denver
DC: Kramerbooks & Afterwords, Washington
DE: Browseabout Shop Inc, Rehoboth Beach
FL: Bookstore 1 Sarasota * Classic Bookshop, Palm Beach * Inkwood Books, Tampa * BookMark, Neptune Beach  * Vero Beach Book Center, Vero Beach
GA: A Cappella Books, Atlanta * Avid Bookshop, Athens * E Shaver Fine Books, Savannah * Eagle Eye Bookshop, Decatur * G J Ford Bookshop & Café, St Simons Island * Little Shop of Stories, Decatur
IA: Prairie Lights-Bookstore, Iowa City * Iowa Book, Iowa City
IL: Anderson’s Bookshop, Naperville * Book Cellar, Chicago *
Book Stall of Winnetka, Winnetka * Book Table, Oak Park *
City Lit Books, Chicago * Unabridged Bookstore, Chicago
KS: Raven Book Store, Lawrence
KY: Carmichael’s Bookstore, Louisville * Coffeetree Books, Morehead
The Morris Bookshop, Lexington
LA: Garden District Bookshop, New Orleans * Maple Street Bookshop, New Orleans * Octavia Books, New Orleans
MA: Odyssey Bookshop Inc, South Hadley
ME: Maine Coast Bookshop, Damariscotta * Sherman’s Books & Stationery, Boothbay Harbor
MI: Bookbug, Kalamazoo * Between the Covers, Harbor Springs * Forever Books, Saint Joseph * Horizon Books, Traverse City * Literati, Ann Arbor *
Mclean & Eakin Booksellers, Petoskey * Schuler Books & Music, Grand Rapids
MN: Magers & Quinn Booksellers, Minneapolis * Common Good Books, Saint Paul * University Minnesota Bookstore, Minneapolis
MO: Subterranean Books, Saint LouisThe Novel Neighbor, Saint Louis
MS: Fountain Books GreenwoodLe Muria Books, Jackson * Square Books, Oxford
NC: Quail Ridge Books & Music, Raleigh * Park Road Books, Charlotte Flyleaf Books, Chapel Hill * Malaprop’s Bookstore, Ashville * Regulator Bookshop, Durham
NH: Country Bookseller, Wolfeboro * Gibson’s Bookstore, Concord 
NJ: Word Bookstore, Jersey City
NM: Bookworks, Albuquerque * Collected Works Bookstore, Santa Fe
NY: Book Revue, HuntingtonWord Bookstore, Brooklyn * Oblong Books & Music, MillertonOpen Door Bookstore, SchenectadyPower House Arena, Brooklyn * The Golden Notebook, WoodstockStrand Bookstore, New York * The Northshire Bookstore
OH: Book Loft, Columbus * Joseph Beth, CincinnatiThe Bookshelf, CincinnatiBooksellers on Fountain Square, CincinnatiBooksellers at Austin Landing, Miamisburg * Jay & Mary’s Book Center, TroyLearned Owl, Hudson
OR: V J Books, Tualatin
PA: Penguin Bookshop, SewickleyTowne Book Center and Cafe, Collegeville
RI: Books on the Square, Providence
SC: Hub City Bookshop, Spartanburg
TN: Union Ave Books, Knoxville * Booksellers at Laurelwood, Memphis
TX: Brazos Bookstore, Houston *
UT: The King’s English Bookshop, Salt Lake CityDolly’s Bookstore, Park City
VA: One More Page, Arlington
VT: Everyone’s Books, Brattleboro   * Phoenix Books, Essex * Yankee Bookshop, Woodstock
WA: The Elliott Bay Book Company, SeattleVillage Books, Bellingham
WI: Books and Company, Oconomowoc
CAN: Raincoast Books, Richmond, BC

And you can preorder it online at Barnes & Noble, Books-A-Million, or if you’re in Canada, you can get it at Indigo.

And you may be saying to yourself, “But what if I already preordered?  Why am I being punished for being helpful and supportive?  WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO US, JENNY?” and I would say, first of all, stop yelling because you’re going to get us all fired.  And secondly? I’ve got your back, Little Ninja, because if you preordered and can’t make it to a book signing then just click right here to fill in your address and you will get (for free!) a signed bookplate that you can stick inside your book.  Last time my bookplates had Hamlet Von Schnitzel on them and that’s hard to top, but these have illustrations of the Midnight Raccoon Rodeo on them and they are better than tacos:

bookplateforfuriouslyhappy

You might be saying to yourself, “What is the Midnight Raccoon Rodeo?  Is this supposed to make sense to me?  STOP GIVING ME REFERENCES I DON’T YET GET, YOU WHORE” and I would say, “Calm your tits, y’all.  Calm all of your beautiful tits. Are you hungry right now?  Because you’re not yourself.  Go eat some cheesecake.  And then go listen to the sample of my audiobook where you can hear a tiny snippet of what the Midnight Raccoon Rodeo is all about.  You’ll have to get the book to find out how I actually lost both of my arms and if I ever got them back though.  That’s a teaser, btw.  Not a very good one if you’ve seen pictures of me with arms lately, but still.”

Here’s a picture of me signing hundreds of bookplates in spite of the fact that Hunter S. Thomcat insisted they were tiny pillows he needed to lay on while I was signing them.

Hunter: “Why are you writing on my pillows?  What are you even doing?”

furiouslyhappybookplates

FYI: A few of bookplates have weird marks from when the cats would grab at my pen while I was signing (because my cats are assholes who don’t understand professionalism) but whenever that happened I tried to make up for it by turning the errant squiggle into a small drawing of a dog’s face or curly fries, or a lower intestine.  Sorry.  I had to work with what they gave me.

So go preorder and then get your bookplate and then leave me a comment because I’ve heard a rumor I’ll be getting real copies of the book any day now and I’d love to give a few away as a small thank you for your incredible support.

Honestly, this book would never have happened without you.

So if people don’t like it, I’m blaming you.

I don’t make a very good monk. For several reasons probably.

So, I’ve read that monks say that to achieve happiness you have to perfect the art of living in the moment. They say, “Don’t wait.  Don’t think of the future or the past. Be completely in the moment.”

As much as I’ve tried, I can never master this because I’m perpetually worried about the future, but technically even when I am thinking of the future I’m still in the present moment even though that particular moment is a moment when I’m obsessing about the future. I’m not sure if this means I’d make a very bad monk, or if it makes me a very talented monk who is just really good at multitasking.

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And now, our weekly wrap-up.  Buckle-up, Buttercup.

Fabulous graphic by @wedrawtweets

Fabulous graphic by @wedrawtweets

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:  

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by How To Not Get Screwed.  It’s not a sex book.  It’s about moving, which is good because summer is when most people move and also it’s when you’re very likely to get screwed and that’s when this comes in handy.  Spot a scummy real estate agent, call them out on their underhanded bullshit, everything you need to know about buying or selling a home.  You should check it out here.

Blasphemy Scratchnsniff

For my birthday Hailey gave me a betta fighting fish.

"Don't pet me."

“Don’t pet me.”

His temporary name is Prisoner #7942 (that’s the number that was written on the small bowl he was living in) but he needs something better.  I was leaning toward “The Admiral” but Victor suggested “Old Gregg”, because he’s one fishy bastard.  Hailey suggested that I call him, “THE PRETENDERS.” She’s not great at this.

I asked twitter, and they gave me several good suggestions, like:

  • Lawrence Fishburn
  • Darth Betta
  • Atticus Fish
  • Prisoner Zero
  • Sir Nigel Rufflebottom
  • “He looks like Legolas.  But without legs.  Legless Legolas.”

But then someone suggested I use the Benedict Cumberbatch Name Generator and these are just a few names it suggested for my fish.  I dare you say them out loud and not giggle:

  • Snorkledink Cottonpatch
  • Fragglerock Candygram
  • Crumpledonk Chuckecheese
  • Wimbeldon Chickenbroth
  • Timothy Chowderpants
  • Bumblebee Frumblesnoot
  • Bukkake Custardbath
  • Syphilis Curdledmilk
  • Bunsenburner Coochyrash
  • Bandersnatch Crumplehorn
  • Rinkydink Clompyclomp
  • Blasphemy Scratchnsniff

Conclusion:   I’m gonna need more fish.

PS.  Right now, Prisoner #7942 is in a large bowl on a very high shelf, but that’s not stopping Hunter S. Thomcat from going full-meerkat on him:  

unnamed

It’s adorable and unsettling all at the same time.  

"I just want to touch him a little.  With my mouth."

“I just want to touch him a little. With my mouth.”

PPS. This was supposed to be a weekly wrap-up, but I don’t have a sponsor for it so I was like, “Hey, lemurs.  You guys want in on this action?” And the lemurs were like:

"Who let you in here?" ~ lemurs who can't appreciate a good business opportunity

“Who let you in here?”

So fuck those lemurs.  I’ll sponsor this post myself, lemurs.  This week’s post sponsored by thebloggess.com, a website specializing in the care and feeding of aquatic-cats.  Or something.  I didn’t really research it.  It looks awesome though and ads start at $100 a month, which is crazy cheap and (surprising) less than what you’d spent setting up an aquarium for a $5 fish.  Click here if you want in.  

PPPS.  As requested, 2015 Bloggess Calendars are hot off the presses:

bloggess calendar

Yeehaw, motherfuckers.

Your cat has a cooler house than I do.

Go home, everybody.  The best cat toy ever has been created and nothing you buy for your cat will ever be impressive again.

star wars catMy cats just looked at this picture from their cardboard box on the floor and then shook their tiny heads at me in disgust and shame.

Frankly, I’m disappointed too.  Why don’t they make these in human size?  It’s like a loft bed without having to have a loft.  Plus, if you just got comfortable but you need a drink you can just drive your bed to the fridge.  If they put a bathroom and a well-stocked bookshelf in there I’d probably never leave again.

PS.  In case you missed it…yesterday a lot of you expressed envy at my horrific 80’s cat sweater, so I found you something even better.  It’s at the bottom of the post.

I’m going to make a t-shirt for Victor that says “You’re doing it wrong.” It would save him so much time.

After the 80 bajillionth time Victor told me that I was doing something incorrectly I decided I needed to make a t-shirt for him that simply says, “You’re doing it wrong.”  It would save him so much time.

He can’t really help it, but he does tend to point out everything I do wrong, from sitting (too floppy)…to drinking (too sippy)…to writing (overuse of the word “too”).  I suspect that if given the opportunity, he’d critique the rate at which my cells divide and how poorly I organize my uterus.  But then I considered the t-shirt idea again and I realized that when he told me I was “doing it wrong” I could stare at him and know that if he had chosen to wear the appropriate shirt he wouldn’t have to go to the trouble of saying it out loud.  So technically he’s doing it wrong.  And we both win.  Or lose.  Together.

If you need one for your own personal Victor, just click the picture.

PS. As I was designing this shirt for Victor he paused behind me and said, “That logo is crooked” and then walked away.  And it’s not crooked.  It’s just the way it looks on the website.  But he’s sort of proving my point.  Then he said he liked the way that it started out almost positive and then really got the point of the matter.  I suggested that he could wear some duct tape over the “WRONG” part and just strip it off only when I was fucking something up but he said that duct tape loses its grip after a few hundred removals.

Then he pointed out a typo.

I rest my case, you guys.

He says he does too.

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And in other news, it’s Sunday, which means its time for the weekly wrap-up:

What you missed in my shop (Named “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you  by Dumb White Husband vs SantaThe perfect family Christmas is a lie. Just ask the guy in this story. He had the perfect plan and everything got together for the holidays just to screw it up. Weird shaped gifts, neighbors, fruitcakes, and some a-hole dressed as Santa telling kids they’ll be getting a bike for Christmas. It’s all the things we love that suck about the holidays. And, it’s only 99 cents.

I bet that truck is sticky

Conversation I had with my husband after seeing this semi:

me: Wow.  Why would you even need a truck to sell three-ways?

Victor:  Maybe they’re so popular they’re selling them in bulk.

me:  I don’t understand the business practice.  Do they bring the three-way to you?  Are there three-ways happening in the back of the truck?  What does it all mean?

Victor:  So many questions…so few answers that don’t make me want to spray that truck down with disinfectant.

PS. In that truck’s defense, it’s apparently just a trucking company with a really unfortunate name.  In my defense, when you google “three way” this is the very first thing that comes up:

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And in other news, it’s Sunday, which means its time for the weekly wrap-up:

What you missed in my shop (Named “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up brought to you by the creator of Spank Me, Mr. Darcy, a tongue-in-cheek (among other places) version of Pride & Prejudice injected with erotica.  From LifeStyle Mirror:  “Fans of classics and historical romances will appreciate this Jane Austen-meets-kink mashup, using Pride and Prejudice as the jumping-off point. Do you like bodice-ripping? Oh, there’s bodice-ripping, all right, and then some.”  You can check it out here.

This might be the most boring post I’ve ever written. Feel free to ignore it.

My friend Laura is working on a project where she’s looking at the desks and working spaces of bloggers and she asked if I could shoot her a picture.  I did and then I thought, “My God, I could totally post this because I always love to snoop in other people’s offices, and also because it’s a fucking ridiculously easy post and then I could just spend the time I would have spent working on a real post watching When Harry Met Sally instead, because apparently I’m the only person in America who still hasn’t seen it.”  And then I agreed with myself.  Because I am lazy.  And agreeable.

So here is my office.

This is it when we first moved in a few months ago and were still in remodeling hell:

I don’t have a true “before” picture, but it looked just like this, but less messy and without the half-built bookshelf.

And here it is today:

It’s not finished, but it’s close.  I’m still saving up to replace the giant chandelier with something smaller and to have a plug installed in the floor so I don’t have to trip over that ugly extension cord every day.

The walls are a bit…odd.

And they sort of keep getting odder, but it’s my office so Victor can’t complain. Much.

My posse.

My posse.

The nice thing about weird shit on your shelves is that it looks nice even if it's dusty.

The nice thing about weird shit on your shelves is that it looks nice even if it’s dusty.

I made this.  Not the deer.  The deer was rescued from a flea market.  But I did bedazzle his nose and make him magical.

I made this. Not the deer. The deer was rescued from a flea market. But I did bedazzle his nose and make him magical.

 

The left head hates the tie.  The right head loves it.  Victor would prefer it if I'd stay away from his ties.

The left head hates the tie. The right head loves it. Victor would prefer it if I’d stay away from his ties.

And this is the corner that’s hidden when you first look in and it’s also where I put all my shit when my real desk starts getting messy and gross. I highly recommend having at least two desks so that one always looks clean and the other always looks like you’re actually working.

And that’s it.  You’ve now seen the inner-workings of my personal escape hatch.  Now I feel very naked.  Feel free to join me.*

*In sharing your desk.  Not in getting naked with me.  I have boundary issues.

Don’t judge me. I come by it naturally.

Several weeks ago I bought a fascinator/hat from one of my favorite rogue taxidermists, Emily “Sending-me-road-kill-in-the-mail-is-a-good-thing” Binard, because it reminded me of Hamlet Von Schitzel from my book cover.

Sadly, I do not have a face for fascinators and so I assumed it would be destined to sit on a shelf forever, until I remembered my collection of old, thrift store finds on my wall.

Yorick now has a new home:

And for those of you wondering if James Garfield made the move…here’s the view from my desk:

This is what I do instead of knitting.  Don’t judge me.

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And in entirely unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by the fantabulous folks at www.karmalot.com (Passcode: SENDKARMATODAY) where you can send and receive gift cards with your Facebook friends. Then you tally up all those giving and receiving activities as Karma points to see if you are more giving person or receiving person.   The app is available as both web and iOS app.  You should probably check it out.

And you still haven't found what you're searching for. Because my blog got in your way.

At the end of each year I pull up my analytics to see what search terms actually brought people to this blog because it’s incredibly confusing to everyone involved.  2012 was no exception and I’m sharing a few of my favorite google searches that brought you all here (in order of # people searching that term).  Never change, weirdos…

2012 Strange Google Searches That Brought People to The Bloggess.com:

“Knock knock, motherfucker” ~  3,308 

“Sasquatch sightings”  ~ 2,086

“This chicken will cut you” ~ 490

“Thanks for ruining batman” ~ 403

“I have no idea what I’m doing” ~ 288

“No one’s going to be able to relate to a corpsey chocolate vampire and his gay bird lover” ~ 99

“Feet must be covered while sleeping” ~ 79

“Hamster erections” ~ 79

“What size shirt should my cat wear?” – 69

“Chupacabra cobra death match” ~ 59

“zombie chicken porn” ~ 49

“What to do if your wife is obsessed with unicorns?” ~ 40

“What size shirt does a 20 lb cat wear?” – 35

“Nathan Fillion shirtless” – 32

“Green poop at Disney World” ~ 31

“Dead whores” ~ 29

“World of Warcraft blow job” ~ 16

“National Vomit Day” ~ 14

“I hate it when I’m eating and a t-rex steals my chair” ~ 14

“Shit that shouldn’t be” ~ 10

“Meth in vagina makes sex better” ~ 5

“hey my name is rebekah what’s yours? i really like baked cheese and bears and such hahahahahahha i can type without looking at my key board” ~ 4

“Unruly vagina hair” – 4

“How did the hamsters even get jet lag?” ~ 3

“Do predators on To Catch a Predator get paid to be on tv?” ~ 1

“One letter is in my name is misspelled on my meds so will they take it at the airport?” ~ 1

“Cute tabby kittens saying misspelled things” ~ 1

“Nazi outfit on a weasel” ~ 1

“Raccoon albino with mange” ~ 1

“Raccoon albino without mange” ~ 1

“Cheese is funner”  ~ 1

“Would a picture of fork tines sticking out someones butt be considered art?” ~ 1

“Anteaters dressed like people” ~ 1

“bunnies aren’t just cute like every body supposes, they got them hoppy tails and twitchy little noses, and whats with all the carrots, what do they need such good eye sight for any way, bunnies, bunnies it must be bunnies” ~ 1

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In unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up.

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by the lovely Masala Chica.  From the author: “In Hindi, the word “Masala” means spice. I originally wrote a lot about growing up Indian American but most of the posts I write are universal, so the whole “Masala” thing doesn’t make as much sense. But I still like it. I write about family, politics, feminism, music, books and I bitch about a lot of random things. Disclaimer: I like gay people, immigrants and the homeless. Be forewarned.”

Elves are assholes.

The other day Victor brought home one of those Elf-on-the-Shelf things and now I’m inundated with pictures on pintrest of elves doing “adorably naughty” things.  Like, moms (who are far less lazy than me) will throw flour  and applesauce all over the house and then pretend that the naughty elf did it.  Except I would never do that BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS TO CLEAN THAT SHIT UP.  Personally, I’d rather come back home from shopping and find that the elf has ransacked the house looking for hidden drugs.  That way it’s a learning lesson for the kids.  A lesson about not turning your back on addictions.  And about why I shouldn’t be allowed to have a scapegoat elf in the house.

Our elf right now:

Over the line, asshole.

PS.  Victor just yelled at me for sticking a knife in the couch and I was like “Dude. That hole has been there for two years” and then he yelled at me for not telling him that there’s been a hole in the couch for two years.  So basically I’m getting yelled at by Victor for Victor not being observant enough.  

I blame the elf.