This is the longest and most confusing post ever. I started writing it months ago and then got distracted. If I were you I probably wouldn’t read it. You’ve been warned.
It all started with a tweet I sent out a few months ago, linking to the blog of an antique store that was selling something fantastic and horrible…
me: HOLY SHITSNACKS. SOMEONE BUY THIS FOR ME:
Conversation with Victor on the phone (several minutes later, when I realized he’d probably read my twitter feed):
me: Hey. I just bought a honey-badger killing a python.
Victor: Who is this?
me: No, seriously. I just emailed you a picture. The cobra-mongers said I could rent it for $100, but it’s only $300 to keep it and renting is like throwing money away. That’s what Dave Ramsey always says.
Victor: You bought two dead animals – killing each other – because renting them is a bad investment?
me: And also because I suck at returning things. I still have VHS tapes from Blockbuster that I’ve never returned.
me: This is awesome because it’s like a naked honey-badger death/Cobra match. There is no part of that that doesn’t scream “BUY ME”. Plus, the cobra looks so damn happy. He’s like “HI FRIEND!” and the honey-badger is all “I WILL END YOU” and the cobra’s like “WOULD YOU LIKE A NUTTER-BUTTER? THEY ARE DELICIOUS.” And the honey-badger is like “I WILL MAKE YOUR SKIN INTO A SWEATER.”
me: Oh my God, they’re totally us. Guess which one is me?
Victor: The cobra.
me: EXACTLY. I’m going to make a whole cartoon just based on honey-badger and cobra.
Victor (opening the picture): Oh, holy shit. Honey, seriously? You paid money for this? It’s not even a honey-badger. It’s a mongoose with mange. It’s Rikki-Tikki-Tavi from Kipling.
me: Which is even better. It’s a death-match with a moral. How often do you buy a death-match that comes with its own story? Almost never.
Victor: And where are you planning on putting this monstrosity?
me: I hadn’t thought that far ahead. It was an impulse buy. It’s like when you buy gum at the check-out counter. You don’t go in for it, but you buy it. And then the whole family appreciates it later. This is just like gum. AWESOME DEATH-MATCH GUM.
Victor: I need you to stop talking now.
Two weeks later:
Victor: What the fuck? What’s wrong?
me: I JUST OPENED A PACKAGE AND THERE WAS A COBRA IN IT.
Victor: Um, you mean the cobra you ordered?
me: Oh holy shit, my heart is racing. I totally forgot I bought it.
Victor: Of course you did.
me: Wow. You know when you’re opening a package and there’s a cobra in it and you’re all “WHO IN THE FUCK SENT ME A COBR-Oh, wait. This is probably the cobra I ordered”?
Victor: Nope. No one knows what that’s like.
me: Ugh. I hate that feeling. I’m so freaked out now I don’t even want to open the rest of it. They should have put a warning on the outside.
Victor: Something like, “Here’s the cobra you ordered. Dumb-ass”?
me: No, because then the post office would confiscate it. There’s a sign up at the post office that says you can’t mail fireworks or puppies. If you can’t mail a puppy I’m pretty sure that you can’t mail cobras either. That’s basic logic.
Victor: “Logic” doesn’t enter into any part of this debacle.
The most unadorable nom nom picture ever.
Then I waited to be less creeped out by them, but they were quickly losing their whimsy and I started to suspect they were planning to kill me in my sleep. Plus, Ferris Mewler developed an unhealthy obsession with the mongoose.
And with the snake.
And in the end I decided to just put them both outside in the garage so they could scare away other cobras and mongeese.
It’s totally working.
PS. Look. I made new cards for my shop:
This one is for romance.
And this one is for when your spouse thinks you’ve spent too much money on shoes or power-tools or whatever. Unless you spent too much money on a mongoose/cobra deathmatch. Then this card is not applicable.