From the category archives:

blogging about blogging again

I can’t be the only one who fucks up lyrics this badly.

March 3, 2012

in blogging about blogging again,Random crap,weekly reruns

Conversation I had with Victor in the car:

me: You know that song that goes:  ”Just like the wild wind blows, she sings a song that sounds like she’s singing“?

Victor: Edge of Seventeen.  But that’s not how that song goes.

me:  I figured, because it makes no sense.  Why would she be singing a song that “sounds like she’s singing”?  Either you’re singing or you’re not singing.  MAKE UP YOUR MIND.

Victor: No, that part’s right.  But “the wild wind blows” is actually “a white winged dove”.

me:  Ugh.  That’s the part that I’m wrong about?  What about “I went searching for an answer up the stairs and down the hall, and not to find the answer.”  You just said you were searching for an answer and then in the same sentence you contradict yourself.  It’s so confusing.  It’s like Nikki Sixx is trying to confuse me.

Victor:  Are you kidding me?  It’s not Nikki Sixx.  It’s Stevie Nicks.

me:  I always think they’re the same person.

Victor:  And that’s why you’re not allowed to talk about music anymore.

…..

And since it’s (almost) Sunday it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:

By @onezumi: "The Bloggess Riding a Dapper Octopus with an Attack King Mini Yak Riding him Attacking an Evil Flying Cheeseburger While Holding Twine."

What you missed on the Houston Chronicle:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by my hilarious friend, Jill, better known as Scary Mommy.  Her blog is fabulous and she now has a great book coming out that’s an honest (and terrifying) look at parenting.  She and her book are better than ice cream.  Check them out.

{ 292 comments }

I have a problem

February 25, 2012

in blogging about blogging again,Random crap,weekly reruns

Conversation I had with Victor while Hailey was playing on the playground.

me:  Does Hailey’s cup say “Vagina” on it?

Victor:  Um.  What?

me:  Vagina.  It looks like Hailey’s cup says “vagina” on it.

Victor:  It doesn’t.  Like, at all.

me:  Well, I figured.  But it looks like it.

Victor:  No.  No, it doesn’t.

me:  Hang on.  Let me take a picture from my angle.

Victor:  Wow.  That...totally looks like it says “vagina”.

me:  Exactly.

PS.  It actually says “Imagination”.  Something I needed very little of to find a vagina in that cup.

*********

In non-related news, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up.  Let’s get started, shall we?

What you missed on the Houston Chronicle:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by posh brood, a free catalogue of upscale, luxe and hop vacation spots that are mom-tested.  Their slogan is “Offspring.  Don’t leave home without them.”  Which is a good mantra since it’s illegal to leave your baby at home alone, even if there are cats there with them.  Trust me on this one.  Anyway, you should check them out because they’re awesome and they’ll keep you from getting arrested.  Plus you need a vacation.

{ 122 comments }

UPDATED: Those are fighting words, internet

February 24, 2012

in blogging about blogging again,I am totally overrated,phoning it in,Random crap

A few times I year I checkout Alexa to see what’s bringing people to this blog.

This is what I found today:

 Really, internet?  That is both terrifically insulting and also just plain wrong.

You spell my name with two G’s.

 

Updated:  It occurs to me that many of you are new and might not understand why people would even be searching for that.  No worries.  There’s a simple, rational answer to all of this, really.  It’s because I used to be on meth.  The good kind.

UPDATED X 2:  I just noticed that this month there’s been a fairly significant decrease in people googling “douche bag” and then being pointed to my blog.

WINNER.

{ 161 comments }

Juanita in carbonite

February 19, 2012

in blogging about blogging again,I am totally overrated,Random crap,weekly reruns

Earlier this week I told you about a tiny, dead weasel I dressed, adopted and named Juanita.  Within a few days she had her very own meme and a line of products.  Kinda fucking impressive for a dead weasel, if you ask me.  And possibly a little cocky.  Regardless, she brought joy and laughter to many, and several of you will be getting emails about free Juanita junk because you entered something bad-ass into the meme contest, but the ultimate winner was a personal favorite of mine from Bart Smith:

Look closely. There are 15+ bloggess-isms here. (It's bigger on the inside.)

For being awesome and amazing at photoshop (seriously, click here for a giant version), Bart wins a tiny, resin Juanita statue, which looks as if Juanita was frozen in carbonate, but more colorful.

Juan-ita Solo

(Click here to pick up one for yourself.)

And in other news, it’s Sunday, which means it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:

What you missed on Ill-Advised:

What you missed on my satirical sex column:  (Moderately safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe.)

What you missed on the Houston Chronicle:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome

This week’s wrap-up brought to you by my amazingly talented friend Sylvia, who wrote a fabulous ebook that costs less than a coke.  It’s called Fear of Landing: You Fly Like a Woman and it’s her true story about learning to fly after being told by a man that she can’t.  The perfect inspirational gift for your daughter (or son).  Plus, it’s less than a dollar and only takes an hour or two to finish.  EVERYONE WINS.  I highly recommend.

{ 110 comments }

Advanced cooking lessons

January 28, 2012

in blogging about blogging again,I am totally overrated,Random crap,weekly reruns

Conversation I had after wandering into Victor’s office.

me:  Hey.  How do you make hot water?

Victor:  …Really?  “How do you make hot water?”  Are you fucking with me?  

me:  No.  I want to make a tea but I don’t know how.

Victor:  Go write this on your blog right now.  You just asked me how to heat up water.  You basically just confirmed everything I’ve ever said about your cooking skills in a single sentence.

me:  I know how to get hot water.  I know how the tap works.  I just don’t know how to use the coffee maker and I thought maybe it would be easier to use it than using the microwave.

Victor:  So you need a machine to make you hot water…because the microwave is too complicated?

me:  I’m trying to work smarter, not harder.  DON’T JUDGE ME.

Victor:  It’s moments like this I wish I was on twitter.  ”Overheard at our house: ‘How do you make hot water?‘”

me:  FINE.  How about this?  Can you show me how to make coffee without any coffee in it?

Victor:  See, that sounds more complicated.  Not normal or rational, but less ridiculous.  So, yes, I will show you how to make coffee with no coffee in it.

me:  So basically you’re only helping me now because of semantics.

Victor:  How else will you learn?

PS.  Victor says tomorrow he’s going to teach me how to make “hot dog water”.

Victor is a very helpful kind of asshole.

****************

And now, the weekly wrap-up:

What you missed on Ill-Advised:

What you missed on my satirical sex column:  (Moderately safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe.)

What you missed on the Houston Chronicle:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome

  • This week’s wrap-up sponsored by my friend Leonie who created The Goddess Guidebook to help you create your own Goddess Year in 2012 using art therapy  and the tools and techniques she’s providing.  She’s adorable and full of light and is a terrible driver.  Or possibly the person in the other seat is a terrible driver.  One of those.  You should check her out.

{ 180 comments }

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